Thursday, April 16, 2009
famous people? @ 7:02 PM
First of all, I want to say thanks to everyone that left me comments on my last entry - they made me feel alot better.
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Sometimes I feel like people try to seem interested in the things I like, or want to help me with my websites or whatever project I am doing at the moment.... just to talk to me. Is that weird? Because it is to me.
I know I have fans, or at least people that self proclaim themselves as my "fan". When I get messaged on MySpace or DropVids, it's usually from someone that admires the video work I've done or my modeling, or just looks up to me as a person. When I talk to them, and I know it sounds stupid, but like it's... different. Maybe more guarded? Maybe also more... appealing to my own fanbase, amplified personality almost...
In my mind, my vlogs and my modeling and my porn... that's what I'm okay having fans have access too. This blog too, obviously since it's public. But there's certain things like say, Facebook for one, or when people email me with stuff I might need for my Beth/Hudson website, or something Leverage related in general that just another fan wanted to share with me... that's... different. I'm really having a hard time explaining this, aren't I?
I'm just more normal with those sorts of things. But then there's sometimes when people will email me or something that I just get this feeling that they're only doing it to talk to me and appease me. Like doing things to make me like them, or know who they are.
Trust me, we all do it. I do it. Even on subconcious levels, we all do it to people that have some sort of "fame." So I'm not saying it's a bad thing or I look down at it, it's just weird to be on the recieving end of it when it's not in my designated "fan" places. Where I expect that stuff.
I'm so not trying to be full of myself, but I know I'm coming off that way... oh well. It's my journal xD
Anyway, while I first started my Parker/Leverage channel out of boredom and immense fandom obsession - now that I know people from Leverage have watched/still watch it, and that the creators and some of the writers (possibly even the actors) know who I am.... it changes things. I try to be more... appealing. Energenic. Entertaining.
It's just a natural thing to do because of what we've been raised on about "famous people". We can try to act normal all we want, but underneath we're stil squeeing obnoxiously. We all do that little happy dance, right? And we all try to make ourselves look way cooler than we really are.
I mean I myself squeed when Dean Devlin, one of the creators of Leverage, had an email conversation with me. I squeed when Amy Berg, one of the writers of Leverage, told me she knew who I was over Twitter. It's just kind of natural. And while these people aren't famous like the way actors are, because I'm a huge fan of Leverage, they're all bad ass to me.
Anyway, my point was, I've just started to notice how people have been writing to me lately in some personal enviorments and it's started to make me question the realism behind it. While I appreciate everything people do, like all the finding stuff because my lazy ass hates to do it myself, sometimes I'm just like... hm. Why would someone really take all this time to do something for me when they don't even know me? You know?
Maybe its just gotten weirder because I don't feel the tiny bit of fame I have anymore. The whole "Lesbian. Model. Stripper." catch phrase/logo/whatever the fuck it is... well I haven't modeled in over a year, and I'm no longer a stripper. So I'm kinda just a lesbian. And barely even one of those recently.
Not that I've been doing men or anything, but I've been contemplating the idea. Just to try it out again maybe, only because I've been having VIVID sex dreams (dreams - plural, people) with men all of a sudden so theres gotta be some reason behind that.
Not that I know if I could ever really do it. It might just be all kinds of awkward...
Anyway, my entire... ugh... "image" I suppose I should call it (because let's face it, if theres one thing I do know how to do, its market myself), has been based off of my sexuality and all other things sexual and I'm just... not anymore. I'm not interested in getting a girlfriend, of having sex, of being sexual in any way. I'm just... lost. IDK. The end.
I know I have fans, or at least people that self proclaim themselves as my "fan". When I get messaged on MySpace or DropVids, it's usually from someone that admires the video work I've done or my modeling, or just looks up to me as a person. When I talk to them, and I know it sounds stupid, but like it's... different. Maybe more guarded? Maybe also more... appealing to my own fanbase, amplified personality almost...
In my mind, my vlogs and my modeling and my porn... that's what I'm okay having fans have access too. This blog too, obviously since it's public. But there's certain things like say, Facebook for one, or when people email me with stuff I might need for my Beth/Hudson website, or something Leverage related in general that just another fan wanted to share with me... that's... different. I'm really having a hard time explaining this, aren't I?
I'm just more normal with those sorts of things. But then there's sometimes when people will email me or something that I just get this feeling that they're only doing it to talk to me and appease me. Like doing things to make me like them, or know who they are.
Trust me, we all do it. I do it. Even on subconcious levels, we all do it to people that have some sort of "fame." So I'm not saying it's a bad thing or I look down at it, it's just weird to be on the recieving end of it when it's not in my designated "fan" places. Where I expect that stuff.
I'm so not trying to be full of myself, but I know I'm coming off that way... oh well. It's my journal xD
Anyway, while I first started my Parker/Leverage channel out of boredom and immense fandom obsession - now that I know people from Leverage have watched/still watch it, and that the creators and some of the writers (possibly even the actors) know who I am.... it changes things. I try to be more... appealing. Energenic. Entertaining.
It's just a natural thing to do because of what we've been raised on about "famous people". We can try to act normal all we want, but underneath we're stil squeeing obnoxiously. We all do that little happy dance, right? And we all try to make ourselves look way cooler than we really are.
I mean I myself squeed when Dean Devlin, one of the creators of Leverage, had an email conversation with me. I squeed when Amy Berg, one of the writers of Leverage, told me she knew who I was over Twitter. It's just kind of natural. And while these people aren't famous like the way actors are, because I'm a huge fan of Leverage, they're all bad ass to me.
Anyway, my point was, I've just started to notice how people have been writing to me lately in some personal enviorments and it's started to make me question the realism behind it. While I appreciate everything people do, like all the finding stuff because my lazy ass hates to do it myself, sometimes I'm just like... hm. Why would someone really take all this time to do something for me when they don't even know me? You know?
Maybe its just gotten weirder because I don't feel the tiny bit of fame I have anymore. The whole "Lesbian. Model. Stripper." catch phrase/logo/whatever the fuck it is... well I haven't modeled in over a year, and I'm no longer a stripper. So I'm kinda just a lesbian. And barely even one of those recently.
Not that I've been doing men or anything, but I've been contemplating the idea. Just to try it out again maybe, only because I've been having VIVID sex dreams (dreams - plural, people) with men all of a sudden so theres gotta be some reason behind that.
Not that I know if I could ever really do it. It might just be all kinds of awkward...
Anyway, my entire... ugh... "image" I suppose I should call it (because let's face it, if theres one thing I do know how to do, its market myself), has been based off of my sexuality and all other things sexual and I'm just... not anymore. I'm not interested in getting a girlfriend, of having sex, of being sexual in any way. I'm just... lost. IDK. The end.
