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See, why did I think I could just post little short blurb on Twitter and just be done with it? HA. The way I write? Please. I didn’t want to make two entries in one day, but I was actually supposed to put this in my last one but forgot.

Let’s get one thing PERFECTLY clear here: I am bipolar. Okay? I have legitimate fucking bipolar type I disorder. And along with that comes really intense focusing on a subject (aka obsession)… which at the moment is Leverage. Obviously.

I really want everyone to fuck the hell off right now that say that they are worried about it. Because you know what? You have no idea how far I’ve come, thank you. Don’t even begin to insult me by thinking that I’m going to go stark ass nuts because of it. You know how it started? Do you?

Christina Aguilera. Fourteen years old. And yes, THAT one was scary. I will fully admit it. I look back at my journal and cringe at how fucking INSANE I was over that woman. And if I had the resources than yeah I probably would have stalked the woman. I worshiped her. I was delusional as fuck, and I thank GOD now that I never met her.

But I was fourteen, and it was when the bipolar first established itself in its worst form – during teenage crazy hormones. Yeah, I was unhealthily obsessed with that woman.

But then came Xena… and with Xena came the Xena convention and doing yoga with Hudson. That there actually for some reason slapped me in the face by reality and I stopped getting obsessed with actual people. Because for a little while I was with Hudson, but I met her and it stopped instantly. Like, I still love her as an actress, and now as an adult having had the privalege to be taught by her I have a lot of respect her, but I’m not even close – on the other fucking side of the obsession thing. Okay?

Yes, I get wicked obsessed with fandom things. Buffy, Harry Potter, and now Leverage. But you know what? It’s fiction, thank you. So I don’t in anyway find it creepy, or something I should get help for. My obsessions are the one thing in my life that MAKES ME HAPPY. Okay? And yes, I OBSESS. I think about it a lot, I do a lot of fucking things about it, and I talk about it constantly. BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY. So leave me alone, okay? Shit.

And fuck, most every bipolar person suffers with obsessions. I give myself a big ass pat on the FUCKING back that I’m not one of the people that get obsessed with people. Delusions of love and all this crap that I’ve read some people do… and yes, I do have tendencies. I will admit that. Another reason why I don’t date much, I think I just get too invested too quickly, honestly. And I don’t like that, so I protect myself and the other person from it. But look, I work SO HARD to fight them. Hence why I beat the shit out of myself in my head recently when I feel I’m starting to get that way with Beth. I suppress it, I manage it, and when I meet her it’ll all just go away anyway so who CARES?

For the love of Christ, just leave me alone.

Even my mother doesn’t worry about it, and she used to worry over Christina and Xena, and yes while Christina was valid, she’s learned slowly through out each one that it’s just what I do. I’m not fucking dangerous, people. I live in my own head and use some fantasy world someone else created to do it. Hell, I’m too damn lazy to be dangerous ANYWAY. I mean really lol. The only thing my mom does worry about is that they won’t even amount to anything and that I’m just wasting my time. And maybe I am, but I enjoy it.

I want to kill myself almost every fucking day, people. I’m not lying about that. My obsessions take me out of reality and I can just fucking be HAPPY for once.

This is why I stopped taking my medication you know. They stopped the obsessions, and without the obsessions I get insanely depressed.

What I worry about, honestly, is when the obsession stops. It will, they all do. At some point, in six months, a year, maybe two… I’ll be obsessed with something else… and while I will still enjoy Leverage and watch it every week, I will take myself COMPLETELY out of the fandom. I’ll be too busy with something else.

I keep wanting to get my Harry Potter one back. I miss that one, I had so much fun with that one… but apparently I can’t juggle two, and I don’t want to get rid of Leverage either.

Haha, I say that like I have a choice of when they’ll come and go and how long they stay.

Anyway, my point is… leave me alone. I have a brain disorder, so I can’t just STOP. Okay? Thanks.

Labels: bipolar, leverage, obsessions

See, why did I think I could just post little short blurb on Twitter and just be done with it? HA. The way I write? Please. I didn’t want to make two entries in one day, but I was actually supposed to put this in my last one but forgot.

Let’s get one thing PERFECTLY clear here: I am bipolar. Okay? I have legitimate fucking bipolar type I disorder. And along with that comes really intense focusing on a subject (aka obsession)… which at the moment is Leverage. Obviously.

I really want everyone to fuck the hell off right now that say that they are worried about it. Because you know what? You have no idea how far I’ve come, thank you. Don’t even begin to insult me by thinking that I’m going to go stark ass nuts because of it. You know how it started? Do you?

Christina Aguilera. Fourteen years old. And yes, THAT one was scary. I will fully admit it. I look back at my journal and cringe at how fucking INSANE I was over that woman. And if I had the resources than yeah I probably would have stalked the woman. I worshiped her. I was delusional as fuck, and I thank GOD now that I never met her.

But I was fourteen, and it was when the bipolar first established itself in its worst form – during teenage crazy hormones. Yeah, I was unhealthily obsessed with that woman.

But then came Xena… and with Xena came the Xena convention and doing yoga with Hudson. That there actually for some reason slapped me in the face by reality and I stopped getting obsessed with actual people. Because for a little while I was with Hudson, but I met her and it stopped instantly. Like, I still love her as an actress, and now as an adult having had the privalege to be taught by her I have a lot of respect her, but I’m not even close – on the other fucking side of the obsession thing. Okay?

Yes, I get wicked obsessed with fandom things. Buffy, Harry Potter, and now Leverage. But you know what? It’s fiction, thank you. So I don’t in anyway find it creepy, or something I should get help for. My obsessions are the one thing in my life that MAKES ME HAPPY. Okay? And yes, I OBSESS. I think about it a lot, I do a lot of fucking things about it, and I talk about it constantly. BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY. So leave me alone, okay? Shit.

And fuck, most every bipolar person suffers with obsessions. I give myself a big ass pat on the FUCKING back that I’m not one of the people that get obsessed with people. Delusions of love and all this crap that I’ve read some people do… and yes, I do have tendencies. I will admit that. Another reason why I don’t date much, I think I just get too invested too quickly, honestly. And I don’t like that, so I protect myself and the other person from it. But look, I work SO HARD to fight them. Hence why I beat the shit out of myself in my head recently when I feel I’m starting to get that way with Beth. I suppress it, I manage it, and when I meet her it’ll all just go away anyway so who CARES?

For the love of Christ, just leave me alone.

Even my mother doesn’t worry about it, and she used to worry over Christina and Xena, and yes while Christina was valid, she’s learned slowly through out each one that it’s just what I do. I’m not fucking dangerous, people. I live in my own head and use some fantasy world someone else created to do it. Hell, I’m too damn lazy to be dangerous ANYWAY. I mean really lol. The only thing my mom does worry about is that they won’t even amount to anything and that I’m just wasting my time. And maybe I am, but I enjoy it.

I want to kill myself almost every fucking day, people. I’m not lying about that. My obsessions take me out of reality and I can just fucking be HAPPY for once.

This is why I stopped taking my medication you know. They stopped the obsessions, and without the obsessions I get insanely depressed.

What I worry about, honestly, is when the obsession stops. It will, they all do. At some point, in six months, a year, maybe two… I’ll be obsessed with something else… and while I will still enjoy Leverage and watch it every week, I will take myself COMPLETELY out of the fandom. I’ll be too busy with something else.

I keep wanting to get my Harry Potter one back. I miss that one, I had so much fun with that one… but apparently I can’t juggle two, and I don’t want to get rid of Leverage either.

Haha, I say that like I have a choice of when they’ll come and go and how long they stay.

Anyway, my point is… leave me alone. I have a brain disorder, so I can’t just STOP. Okay? Thanks.

Labels: bipolar, leverage, obsessions

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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