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God. I just can’t do this anymore. Any of it. All of it.

I can’t take care of myself, and it just rips me apart inside. I have to suck dick, let people finger me and you can only imagine what else and I STILL can’t FUCKING take care of myself.

I HATE this city, with it’s ten FUCKING dollar lap dances. No one makes money in there unless they whore, and I’ve found that out the hard way. Even the prettiest girls are taking home next to shit. One girl yesterday told me she only had $50 after tip out. On a Saturday. And it was busy. Always fucking busy, but so many people just go to fuck off, and the people that get dances… ten dollars. Ten damn dollars. And they barely even stack them. Like one at a time… always. Go to VIP, pathetic fucking VIP that you only get $100 for and are expected to do obscene disgusting things that make me vomit the next fucking morning.

How is it that I couldn’t even make my rent? With all the dirty shit I had to do yesterday, why is it that I only brought home $250? Really.

I want to do my life over. I wish I never came here. I wish I was still cracked out on meth 24/7 and living in that fucking hotel room. I at least made money. I worked one day a week and brought home at least $400-$500 doing next to nothing. I could pay my hotel room for another week and buy at least a gram of meth.

I MISS IT. I miss fucking having money, being able to take care of myself. Hell I miss being cracked out all to hell cause god knows right now I desperately need it. I’m so numb, I seriously don’t feel like anything or anybody right now. Such a fucking shell.

I just can’t do this, I can’t keep coming home every day and slicing myself open praying to God and crying because I want to be okay. I need stability. I just… I don’t know how long I’m gonna last.

I don’t want to be living this pathetic life.

And I can’t even hide in my little Leverage fantasy world anymore. I can’t block out my life through living in that. I don’t know why it stopped working, but it did a couple days ago. And it… doesn’t feel good. Makes me feel a bit alone, as queer as that is…

I just. Hate all of this. So much. My damn life…

Labels: stripping, whores

God. I just can’t do this anymore. Any of it. All of it.

I can’t take care of myself, and it just rips me apart inside. I have to suck dick, let people finger me and you can only imagine what else and I STILL can’t FUCKING take care of myself.

I HATE this city, with it’s ten FUCKING dollar lap dances. No one makes money in there unless they whore, and I’ve found that out the hard way. Even the prettiest girls are taking home next to shit. One girl yesterday told me she only had $50 after tip out. On a Saturday. And it was busy. Always fucking busy, but so many people just go to fuck off, and the people that get dances… ten dollars. Ten damn dollars. And they barely even stack them. Like one at a time… always. Go to VIP, pathetic fucking VIP that you only get $100 for and are expected to do obscene disgusting things that make me vomit the next fucking morning.

How is it that I couldn’t even make my rent? With all the dirty shit I had to do yesterday, why is it that I only brought home $250? Really.

I want to do my life over. I wish I never came here. I wish I was still cracked out on meth 24/7 and living in that fucking hotel room. I at least made money. I worked one day a week and brought home at least $400-$500 doing next to nothing. I could pay my hotel room for another week and buy at least a gram of meth.

I MISS IT. I miss fucking having money, being able to take care of myself. Hell I miss being cracked out all to hell cause god knows right now I desperately need it. I’m so numb, I seriously don’t feel like anything or anybody right now. Such a fucking shell.

I just can’t do this, I can’t keep coming home every day and slicing myself open praying to God and crying because I want to be okay. I need stability. I just… I don’t know how long I’m gonna last.

I don’t want to be living this pathetic life.

And I can’t even hide in my little Leverage fantasy world anymore. I can’t block out my life through living in that. I don’t know why it stopped working, but it did a couple days ago. And it… doesn’t feel good. Makes me feel a bit alone, as queer as that is…

I just. Hate all of this. So much. My damn life…

Labels: stripping, whores

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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