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Ever since I was fourteen years old, I had obsessions. That, of course, was the time I hit major puberty and along with it came my bite-you-in-the-ass bipolar disorder. I think it frightened my mother at first, but looking back on it? I don’t blame her. I was like a loose cannon, a hormonal fucking disaster. I had an unsettling mental disorder that fucked with my moods, made me attach myself to imaginary things, and to top it all off? Year I came out of the closet. How’s that for fucked up.

Christina Aguilera. She was like my God.

Yeah, see? Creepy already. I didn’t know how to handle it. My first obsession was put forth with way too much dedication that bordered on worship. I had a shrine to this woman. A fucking shrine. I didn’t call it that, of course, but really, looking back? Yeah. Two out of the four walls in my bedroom covered in tiny, and I mean tiny here people, pictures of her. And if you touched it… yeah, okay, just don’t fucking touch my wall, basically.

One of my friends drew on it once. That didn’t end well.

My whole entire existence was about this woman. And it had to be. I was fucked up in the head, failing school, doing drugs, drinking, fighting with my friends, and being grounded for most of my young adult existence. I remember I used to write fan letters to her. I never sent them. In fact, I still have them. Somewhere. My diary? God, I can’t even read that without freaking myself out. I fucking worshiped this woman like she walked on fucking water. I spent all my time listening to her music and making VHS tapes of everything Christina has ever appeared in. I had to leave those back at the motel though, along with a lot of my other memories. I haven’t watched it in probably eight years, but I still kept it. Kept all my fandom stuff. Even though she wasn’t a fandom, she was a person. Hence the creepy factor.

My probation officer ordered for me to take down my little shrine. To punish me for having a dirty drug test. My mom ripped them down, I fucking broke, and… well okay that story doesn’t end happy.

Christina turned into Shakira about after a year. That was short lived. Because suddenly I had discovered Xena, and that totally and completely fucking devoured me. Xena turned into another unhealthy obsession with Hudson Leick. My new little goddess, or whatever. That’s when my obsessions with people stopped, with her. My mom sent me to one of her yoga classes, to a Xena convention, and she was incredibly kind to me and helped this poor little lost girl in front of her. That’s when it clicked in my head that actors, singers, whoever, are people. The creepy worship of people stopped completely. And thank fucking god for that. Thank god for her. Really, I could go on about Hudson, but I have before so I won’t. But she has helped me so much over the years, even still now, through our sporadic contact on Facebook.

Which, for the record, isn’t a fan thing. So unless she knows who you are she’s not gonna add you, just so everyone doesn’t bombard her with friend requests. If you actually know who she is.

Xena turned into Buffy. I was all kinds of about Buffy and Faith, and I was about 17 when that little obsession started. I had a fangirl thing for Eliza, but it wasn’t anything bordering on creepy this time. I did some roleplaying over on GreatestJournal (anyone remember that site? That was the bomb for years…) and my fandom obsession turned into a roleplaying one. Mostly Buffy, but I would do Celeb too. I played Eliza Dushku for probably a good six months. Maybe longer, I don’t know. And it was fun, it was. To pretend to be someone else. But it got weird after awhile, and I dropped role playing all together a couple years ago. I started writing instead. And never about real people. Now I find the entire thing wicked creepy. It’s a steady process, obviously.

Then I went a long ass stretch of time with no obsessions. It made it feel empty, I got depressed, and that’s when I started doing meth. Then I got the obsession with YouTube. That gave me happiness for a really long time, and I’m so sad I can’t find the joy in it like I used to. That was… that was a great time in my life. The sapphiire channel.

Then Harry Potter blindsided me. I always loved the books, but never got into the fandom much until I went on hexrpg.com. I spent a good year of my life playing that. Being so heavily involved in it. Everyone knew who I was in the Slytherin Common Room (yeah, laugh, but it was cool) and my attachment moved to Bellatrix Lestrange. I felt better, happier. Still doing drugs, but it wasn’t as often.

And then the obsession faded. And faded. And I was left with nothing, again, for another six months. I slipped deeper into drugs.

Then there was Leverage, and fuck, I ain’t gonna lie guys. Leverage saved me. The problem is, being the way I am mentally, I cannot function without an obsession. I just can’t. It might not be healthy, but I’m far worse without them. And it’s gotten to the point where I’ve kept it pretty level. Yes, I do go way the fuck overboard online. Icons, fanfic, fanvids, okay I have a fucking YouTube channel and a website for Beth. But I don’t get the little psycho thoughts I did when I was fourteen. It’s not my life. And while I know I need it, and I do center my days around it sometimes, I’m not going to off myself if things don’t go my way. It’s there, I fucking love it, and I immerse myself in it because frankly my real life kind of blows.

The thing about Leverage though was that it wasn’t normal. I usually get attached to just one character. And yeah, hi, Parker. We all know. But I usually couldn’t give two craps less about anyone else. This fandom… I’ve written fic about everyone. All different parings. Fanvids for so many pairings too. It’s centered mainly around Parker, yes, but I’ve welcomed the fandom as a whole into my life. That’s never happened before. Which is why I’m praying this is different.

Because you see, the problem is, I can’t have two obsessions at once. I cannot split myself up like that. My brain just isn’t capable of it. I’m not normal, and I know it’s weird, but it’s the truth. And right now? Leverage is on in less than and hour, and I’m not squeezing obnoxiously. I’m gonna watch it, yeah, and maybe it’ll give me the kick I need to squee again, but we’ll find out, won’t we?

My head, right now, is completely up Buffy and Faith’s ass again. And it isn’t like this hasn’t happened before. I have gone back to Xena. Actually a couple times now. Went back to Harry Potter for a brief stint. But they were all brief, and usually, once this happens, I trade one for another, and so suddenly the one I traded is gone and I’m left with nothing.

This is the timeline. I focus on one thing for about a year. One year. Well, times up…

And it freaks me out. Mainly because I am way too involved in this fandom to just slip away because my head won’t allow me to obsess anymore. I’m too known, I do too many things, and yeah, kinda have a lot of responsibilities, as lame as that is.

You know how long it’s been since I watched an episode of Xena? Over a year. I love it to bits and back again, but I don’t ever watch it anymore. I don’t participate in the fandom, when once it was my whole life. Buffy? It has been four years since I’ve watched these DVDs… until today. Well okay, yesterday.

Angel’s a different story. But that was never an obsession, merely a mild attachment. Like Dollhouse is, like Skins is. It’s there, but it’s not predominant. Therefore it doesn’t clash.

I cannot do two fandoms at once. I just have never been able to, and I don’t want Leverage to go away. But I’ve tried holding on before, and it never works.

And yes, it is possible I am over reacting. That Leverage is different just cause of how I’ve been with the fandom anyway. And maybe this Buffy/Faith thing is just a brief stint and I’ll go back to it. I don’t know. I just know what’s happened before. And I can feel Leverage start to fade. I don’t care about Parker/Sophie anymore and god I was up their ass for awhile, huh? Don’t do icons anymore; graphics. Still do the fic thing, but not as of the last couple weeks. I finished the one fic I had started, just cause I needed to finish it, but my heart wasn’t in it. But I’m still gung-ho about the fanvids, and that’s good I guess.

I am completely aware of how unhealthy most people make this shit out to be, but I’m proud of the way I’ve learned to deal with them. I don’t have the creepy stalker scary thing going on, so I consider that a plus. So hey. And if it keeps me from offing myself? Then why is that bad? Maybe it’s bad that sometimes I honestly do not kill myself just because I want to see the next episode. I’m not joking. That’s happened. But it’s a reason to live, no matter how fucked off that is.

But if this goes down like all my others, come a month I’ll be left with nothing, and that won’t be good. I’ll watch Leverage, I’ll enjoy it, but I won’t be in the fandom. Not like I am now. And it’ll just be… really, really sad. Honestly.

But I guess we’ll see how this plays out, huh? Almost thirty minutes and counting…

Labels: btvs, christina aguilera, harry potter, hudson leick, leverage, obsessions, shakira, xena

Ever since I was fourteen years old, I had obsessions. That, of course, was the time I hit major puberty and along with it came my bite-you-in-the-ass bipolar disorder. I think it frightened my mother at first, but looking back on it? I don’t blame her. I was like a loose cannon, a hormonal fucking disaster. I had an unsettling mental disorder that fucked with my moods, made me attach myself to imaginary things, and to top it all off? Year I came out of the closet. How’s that for fucked up.

Christina Aguilera. She was like my God.

Yeah, see? Creepy already. I didn’t know how to handle it. My first obsession was put forth with way too much dedication that bordered on worship. I had a shrine to this woman. A fucking shrine. I didn’t call it that, of course, but really, looking back? Yeah. Two out of the four walls in my bedroom covered in tiny, and I mean tiny here people, pictures of her. And if you touched it… yeah, okay, just don’t fucking touch my wall, basically.

One of my friends drew on it once. That didn’t end well.

My whole entire existence was about this woman. And it had to be. I was fucked up in the head, failing school, doing drugs, drinking, fighting with my friends, and being grounded for most of my young adult existence. I remember I used to write fan letters to her. I never sent them. In fact, I still have them. Somewhere. My diary? God, I can’t even read that without freaking myself out. I fucking worshiped this woman like she walked on fucking water. I spent all my time listening to her music and making VHS tapes of everything Christina has ever appeared in. I had to leave those back at the motel though, along with a lot of my other memories. I haven’t watched it in probably eight years, but I still kept it. Kept all my fandom stuff. Even though she wasn’t a fandom, she was a person. Hence the creepy factor.

My probation officer ordered for me to take down my little shrine. To punish me for having a dirty drug test. My mom ripped them down, I fucking broke, and… well okay that story doesn’t end happy.

Christina turned into Shakira about after a year. That was short lived. Because suddenly I had discovered Xena, and that totally and completely fucking devoured me. Xena turned into another unhealthy obsession with Hudson Leick. My new little goddess, or whatever. That’s when my obsessions with people stopped, with her. My mom sent me to one of her yoga classes, to a Xena convention, and she was incredibly kind to me and helped this poor little lost girl in front of her. That’s when it clicked in my head that actors, singers, whoever, are people. The creepy worship of people stopped completely. And thank fucking god for that. Thank god for her. Really, I could go on about Hudson, but I have before so I won’t. But she has helped me so much over the years, even still now, through our sporadic contact on Facebook.

Which, for the record, isn’t a fan thing. So unless she knows who you are she’s not gonna add you, just so everyone doesn’t bombard her with friend requests. If you actually know who she is.

Xena turned into Buffy. I was all kinds of about Buffy and Faith, and I was about 17 when that little obsession started. I had a fangirl thing for Eliza, but it wasn’t anything bordering on creepy this time. I did some roleplaying over on GreatestJournal (anyone remember that site? That was the bomb for years…) and my fandom obsession turned into a roleplaying one. Mostly Buffy, but I would do Celeb too. I played Eliza Dushku for probably a good six months. Maybe longer, I don’t know. And it was fun, it was. To pretend to be someone else. But it got weird after awhile, and I dropped role playing all together a couple years ago. I started writing instead. And never about real people. Now I find the entire thing wicked creepy. It’s a steady process, obviously.

Then I went a long ass stretch of time with no obsessions. It made it feel empty, I got depressed, and that’s when I started doing meth. Then I got the obsession with YouTube. That gave me happiness for a really long time, and I’m so sad I can’t find the joy in it like I used to. That was… that was a great time in my life. The sapphiire channel.

Then Harry Potter blindsided me. I always loved the books, but never got into the fandom much until I went on hexrpg.com. I spent a good year of my life playing that. Being so heavily involved in it. Everyone knew who I was in the Slytherin Common Room (yeah, laugh, but it was cool) and my attachment moved to Bellatrix Lestrange. I felt better, happier. Still doing drugs, but it wasn’t as often.

And then the obsession faded. And faded. And I was left with nothing, again, for another six months. I slipped deeper into drugs.

Then there was Leverage, and fuck, I ain’t gonna lie guys. Leverage saved me. The problem is, being the way I am mentally, I cannot function without an obsession. I just can’t. It might not be healthy, but I’m far worse without them. And it’s gotten to the point where I’ve kept it pretty level. Yes, I do go way the fuck overboard online. Icons, fanfic, fanvids, okay I have a fucking YouTube channel and a website for Beth. But I don’t get the little psycho thoughts I did when I was fourteen. It’s not my life. And while I know I need it, and I do center my days around it sometimes, I’m not going to off myself if things don’t go my way. It’s there, I fucking love it, and I immerse myself in it because frankly my real life kind of blows.

The thing about Leverage though was that it wasn’t normal. I usually get attached to just one character. And yeah, hi, Parker. We all know. But I usually couldn’t give two craps less about anyone else. This fandom… I’ve written fic about everyone. All different parings. Fanvids for so many pairings too. It’s centered mainly around Parker, yes, but I’ve welcomed the fandom as a whole into my life. That’s never happened before. Which is why I’m praying this is different.

Because you see, the problem is, I can’t have two obsessions at once. I cannot split myself up like that. My brain just isn’t capable of it. I’m not normal, and I know it’s weird, but it’s the truth. And right now? Leverage is on in less than and hour, and I’m not squeezing obnoxiously. I’m gonna watch it, yeah, and maybe it’ll give me the kick I need to squee again, but we’ll find out, won’t we?

My head, right now, is completely up Buffy and Faith’s ass again. And it isn’t like this hasn’t happened before. I have gone back to Xena. Actually a couple times now. Went back to Harry Potter for a brief stint. But they were all brief, and usually, once this happens, I trade one for another, and so suddenly the one I traded is gone and I’m left with nothing.

This is the timeline. I focus on one thing for about a year. One year. Well, times up…

And it freaks me out. Mainly because I am way too involved in this fandom to just slip away because my head won’t allow me to obsess anymore. I’m too known, I do too many things, and yeah, kinda have a lot of responsibilities, as lame as that is.

You know how long it’s been since I watched an episode of Xena? Over a year. I love it to bits and back again, but I don’t ever watch it anymore. I don’t participate in the fandom, when once it was my whole life. Buffy? It has been four years since I’ve watched these DVDs… until today. Well okay, yesterday.

Angel’s a different story. But that was never an obsession, merely a mild attachment. Like Dollhouse is, like Skins is. It’s there, but it’s not predominant. Therefore it doesn’t clash.

I cannot do two fandoms at once. I just have never been able to, and I don’t want Leverage to go away. But I’ve tried holding on before, and it never works.

And yes, it is possible I am over reacting. That Leverage is different just cause of how I’ve been with the fandom anyway. And maybe this Buffy/Faith thing is just a brief stint and I’ll go back to it. I don’t know. I just know what’s happened before. And I can feel Leverage start to fade. I don’t care about Parker/Sophie anymore and god I was up their ass for awhile, huh? Don’t do icons anymore; graphics. Still do the fic thing, but not as of the last couple weeks. I finished the one fic I had started, just cause I needed to finish it, but my heart wasn’t in it. But I’m still gung-ho about the fanvids, and that’s good I guess.

I am completely aware of how unhealthy most people make this shit out to be, but I’m proud of the way I’ve learned to deal with them. I don’t have the creepy stalker scary thing going on, so I consider that a plus. So hey. And if it keeps me from offing myself? Then why is that bad? Maybe it’s bad that sometimes I honestly do not kill myself just because I want to see the next episode. I’m not joking. That’s happened. But it’s a reason to live, no matter how fucked off that is.

But if this goes down like all my others, come a month I’ll be left with nothing, and that won’t be good. I’ll watch Leverage, I’ll enjoy it, but I won’t be in the fandom. Not like I am now. And it’ll just be… really, really sad. Honestly.

But I guess we’ll see how this plays out, huh? Almost thirty minutes and counting…

Labels: btvs, christina aguilera, harry potter, hudson leick, leverage, obsessions, shakira, xena

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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