Schizophrenic Drug Induced Delusions

Leverage FanCon 2011

2011-06-07T00:58:00.000-07:00

Since ConCon 2011 was cancelled, a couple of us put on FanCon 2011 instead for those fans that couldn’t switch their flights and whatnot. It was really small, but hella fucking cool. Electric Entertainment took the time out of their schedules to put together a screening for the premiere of season four, a walking locations tour, and a set tour. Not only that, but Gina Bellman, Tim Hutton, and Aldis Hodge showed up! Since none of them were getting paid for all this, it was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever seen a show do for their fans.

OUR FANDOM IS MORE AWESOME THAN YOURS, BITCHES.

Though I loved ConCon last year, it was nice to actually not have every single second of every single day scheduled. It gave us a lot more time to hang out with our friends and be awesomely stupid and amazing. “Boobs” was the primary topic of the weekend though I guess with my friends, no surprise there xD I drank… probably far too much than I should have in the span of four days, but hey; it’s vacation.

I got laid, lol, which was nice. However that did cause some drama which I wasn’t really prepared for since I’ve never actually thought people gave much of a shit about what I did.

I wish Beth had been there, but I guess she had her kid for the weekend. It would have been nice to… I don’t know. Even if she had come, I doubt we would have had the chance to actually talk, so I don’t know what I wanted. It probably doesn’t matter.

But it was seriously one of the funnest weekends of my life. The end of the month is probably gonna be looking the same way with some of our friends coming down for the Kane concert and Ali’s birthday. Then Rikki’s birthday is like a week or two after I think.

I can’t talk about the season four premiere specifically, but let me say this: number one, it was fucking amazing; and number two, there’s a part in there that’s gonna have you crying. And me? I don’t cry usually. But I totally did, I’ll admit it lol.

I didn’t do the set tour last year so I’m glad I got to this weekend. Seeing it was… really fucking cool. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like, you see it on your screen but then you’re fucking in it and… yeah. Just fucking cool as shit, dude.

I’m still wiped from the weekend so I’m not going to do into any more depth with this, but I loved every second of it, and I can’t wait for either the next ConCon or the next FanCon. At this point, it doesn’t matter if it’s official or not because Leverage fans still know how to have a good fucking time regardless.

The Angie Harmon Drama I Seemed To Have Missed...

2011-03-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

I'm really late to the party with this one, but I have been out of the R&I fandom since shortly after season one ended. I'm sure I'll be back full swing by season two, but in the meantime I actually do like to occupy myself with fandoms that are currently airing. Unfortunately, I have a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time; probably due to the way my BPD likes to the process things. That and in the last six months I haven't exactly paid much attention to my Twitter feed, which is where this whole dramafest went down in the first place.

Anyway, recently I decided that since my fan fic muse for virtually every fandom has been shot to fuck and back again, I should probably catch up on my fic reading. At the moment, I'm currently reading the Jane/Maura fics I missed during my little hiatus, or whatever you'd like to call it. So I'm searching though LJ for a fic that's has both a decent plot, is multi-chaptered, and mature rated (which sadly is quite a tall order now a days for some reason) when I stumbled upon a link to this post. Needless to say, the amount of discussions/comments on it in intrigued me, so I read it. In it's entirety, actually; which my ADD usually cannot comprehending doing. Due to how much drama it caused on top of the drama it was about, it has since been locked for additional comments. But I'm opinionated and even though this is late in actuality, it's completely new to me. And since I actually had a reaction when I read what Angie said, I figured I should share.

While I believe a lot of it was blown up to be something much bigger than it really was, I understand the feelings on this. The second I read what Angie posted, I got really disappointed. This going to sound extremely controversial and probably shouldn't be the topic I start with, but I have to be honest as to why I felt that way, because it may be part of the reason other's felt that way as well.

I think, personally, that that was my initial reaction because eight months ago or so, I was worried about R&I's fate once I read that Angie Harmon was a Republican. Basically, if the R&I writers did at some point decide to go the gay way, would Angie object to it? Now, I'm not political in the slightest. I don't align myself with anyone nor do I ever think I will. But I will be the first to admit that I stereotype Republicans to hell and back because the only thing I have ever read about them is how they are so completely anti-gay. So, frankly, I find no reason to tolerate a group of people who seem to hate the fact that I even exist.

Now, I'm sure there's more to them than that. I'm sure not every Republican is like that. But when that's the only perspective you've had on them, it's a little hard to not be bitter towards any and all of them when it comes to gay issues.

But, because I've always liked Angie's work, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided to not relate my personal feelings on Republicans to her, since who we are isn't decided by our political alignment, religious preference, etc. So I found it kind of ridiculous when people started to call her homophobic. As a whole, yeah, I believe Republican's are homophobic - it seems to be the majority, at least from what I've seen (and there is a very strong possibility I may just be extremely naive). But any community is made up of individuals and while the majority might be something, that doesn't mean that everyone is.

Is Angie Harmon homophobic? I don't know. No one would really know except for her, I think. Do I think what she wrote was homophobic? No way. Do I think what she wrote wasn't the smartest choice in regards to wording? A million times yes; her response came off as completely dismissive to the lesbian fanbase. Do I think she meant to offend the lesbian community? Not at all. Do I feel like she did? No; I believe she disappointed us all rather than offended us.

In basic phrasing: she popped our bubble. We had this nice, happy, LA LA LAND Jane/Maura bubble going on and she took a needle to it and popped it. Whether it was intentional or not, it happened. I think because Sasha has, as it was pointed out, been so accommodating to the lesbian aspect of the fandom, that we had been a bit spoiled. Some of us assumed Angie would be just as accommodating. I think she is accommodating in some sense, but just isn't up to Sasha's standards of it all. And that just comes down to the fact that they are two different people with two different outlooks and personalities. It's nothing against Angie, but comparisons are bound to be made.

Frankly, I've always figured Sasha to be the more accommodating one just because of how they act in the series. Subtext wise, I believe Sasha plays it up a lot more than Angie does, which is probably why I write fics where Maura is the one that's crushing on an oblivious Jane. It seems more canon to me than the opposite. That's not to say Angie doesn't do the subtext, because she does, but I don't think it's quite as forthcoming. Angie in a way doesn't even have to be, because Jane is so obviously butch. Her sexuality is just assumed based on the way she acts, dresses, and carries herself. Frankly, due to Jane's characterization in the show, I think it's laughable as hell that she would be considered straight in the first place. I believe Jane believes herself to be straight, which in some ways is why I like it. I think it portrays a pretty accurate description of closeted life.

And this is where people start harping in about the books. About how in the books Jane is straight and her and Maura are nothing more then friends. I'm sorry, it makes me wonder if any of them have even read the books. Jane and Maura are polite to each other, sure, and maybe yeah you can consider them friends, but it's so far off from the television show. The show already fucked book canon to hell and back and you know what? That's why it's good. I enjoy the books, but in no way would I think it would be half as successful if they didn't improve on Jane and Maura's relationship. While I enjoy cop shows (L&O, The Closer) I've never been drawn to the fandom of any of them because they rarely put emphasis on personal relationships, which is where true fandom comes from. R&I does and it makes it fucking fantastic.

Furthermore, I think the mere suggestion that Angie didn't know about the lesbian fanbase/subtext is fucking ridiculous. There is no way that she didn't know. Why? Because even before it aired, the show was written catering to the lesbian subtext. It's in the script, in the words they say to each other, in the way they end up in bed together. Fuck, they had a lesbian episode, which screamed the show knew exactly what they were doing. A lot of the subtext is up to the actors, sure, but not all of it. The show was so blatantly written as a subtext show. The subtext is so goddamn apparently that you don't have to be shipper to see it. Hell, its practically maintext by how obvious it is. Even my straight friends, my straight friends who don't do or know about fandom shipping at all were like "Wow, this show is really gay." Christ, even my mother thinks that the gayness is obvious (she's a fan too - though obviously not quite in the same way I am).

So yeah, Angie knew. She'd have to be stupid not to, which I don't think she is. A little ditsy sure, but certainly not stupid.

I think the main problem is what Angie doesn't know, nor realize, is the kind of impact that the show has on the gay community. I compare it to Xena because I think that's probably the most accurate comparison I could ever compare it to. Xena was not a "lesbian" show, just as R&I isn't a "lesbian" show. They both had subtext that the actors and writers catered to, but not once did they find themselves in bed with each other in that way. Did that make it any less good? Fuck no! Intentional subtext is just as good as maintext to me. Now, if Xena would have aired NOW instead of mid 90s, I'm sure they would have turned it into maintext eventually (if they do a movie, it's been said that they plan to). Will R&I? Probably not. Honestly I don't think that's a step TNT is ready to make yet. Love the network to death, but they aren't exactly the LBGT friendliest. But anyway, back to the point.

I think why so many lesbians liked Xena, and why so many like R&I, is because the lesbianness isn't thrown in our face. Most television shows that feature lesbian characters will make it all about sex and their sexuality. You know what? Lesbians are regular people, thanks; not a sideshow act for men to jack off to. So we see Jane/Maura or Xena/Gabrielle and while the gayness is pretty freaking obvious, it's not all we see. We see their lives, their work, etc. We see them as people, not as lesbians. And that, I think, is one of the reasons this fandom is so important to the lesbian community. It's like recognizing we exist without making some sort of spectacle out of us. It's like we're being respected. It's nice.

So I think when Angie was all like "Okay, I meant a MAN," or whatever, it felt slightly disrespectful in a way. Yes, we all know that Jane's canon love interests are going to be men. But girl, your lesbian fan base is something crazy and when most of the tweets you get say Maura/Sasha, you should know better than to say something to address that without fully thinking first. Because it did come off a bit disrespectful to a very LARGE group of people.

I don't know. Like, one one hand I honestly feel bad for her. I can't even imagine everything I say being scrutinized and discussed. But that comes with the job, unfortunately. Its also really shitty that she had to see some things her fans were saying about her "not being the sharpest tool in the shed." She may not be a rocket scientist, but that doesn't mean she's stupid. I guess I relate her in the way I do to Eliza Dushku, who I adore to death, but who doesn't post the most intellectual tweets in the world. Angie, quite frankly, made a mistake in her wording. That much was clear. Feelings were hurt, yeah, but I don't believe it was intentional. Do I think she should have went about it in a smarter way? Of course. But we all make mistakes, her included.

I know I have more to say on this, but I'm getting tired and I think I've expressed the main point, anyway: I understand it, but it didn't have to turn into the huge dramafest it did.

End.

MY EGO IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS

2010-11-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

I have to say, if there’s one thing that constantly strokes my hungry ego, it’s hexrpg.com.

To be completely honest, that’s probably why I came back in the first place. My life has been one dull, ego-crushing day after another as I sit on my unemployed ass and pretend that tomorrow I’m going to get up and do something productive. Yet I never do. So I needed an ego boost and Hex has always been the best place for me to get it.

Outside of that, it’s teaching me to have responsibility and be productive again. Not that it’ll help with rent, bills, or the fact that I never leave this bloody apartment; but who needs those things when you have an ego the size of SWITZERLAND! ;D Not that Switzerland is a particularly large country in comparison to say, Russia, but I like its name. Switzerland. But moving on.

I love being needed. While sometimes it’s unfortunate that I have to pry some people’s head out of head and tell them they’re allowed to actually breathe on their own without my say so (in regards to Quidditch), I still can’t help but feel like the site needed me. Well, maybe not the entire site, but the people who actually fucking matter. Everyone else can go DIAF :D /prance

Rikki calls it a game. A game. It is not a game! It’s so much more than that. And maybe it’s a game if you just float around like a weirdo and just post random bullshit all over the place and quickly get the reputation of a spammer (but hey, at least people know who you are, right? >.>), but it isn’t to me. This shit is a lifestyle, bitches. Deal with it xD

Tell me when in a game do you actually NEED to do something? Never, that’s when. You don’t need to go kill the Lich King, or kick the shit out of Darth Vader. No, you want to do those things. If I don’t do the shit I need to do on Hex we would a) lose at quidditch. Miserably. b) the Slytherin newspaper wouldn’t get published c) those tiny first, second, and third years wouldn’t get their freaking Herbology lessons (and we all know how important those are. Right? RIGHT?!) d) The debate… actually no the debate team could probably function without me TBH. BUT I STILL CONTRIBUTE, DAMNIT e) everyone else would win contests and get pretties, and that’s simply not acceptable. I’m supposed to clean up on those, SO SAYS THE WORD OF GOD. f) Adam would have no one to talk to at fucked off times in the morning.

Okay so the last couple were kind of bullshit, but I do have a point in there somewhere.

Furthermore, I have decided that it’s ridiculous that I’m not on house staff ALL THE TIME. Frankly, Rima just needs to let us kick out the useless ones and let me fill in for the rest of the term because the amount of bitching I hear about those fucktards is off the charts.

In non related news, if I don’t win that fucking SA for Bellatrix’s Wanted Poster I’m going to take off someone’s head. You think I jest? I do not, sir. There’s this stupid bitch that thinks Bellatrix is HERS and oh, oh I WILL SHOW YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE, HOBAG.

I finally did wed my Bella. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I was miffed my Adamface couldn’t be there. I’m still ~~miffed~~ POSITITIVELY ENRAGED that he left us for Ravenfail. This is not acceptable. Adam belongs in Slytherin. Why? Because he has an unnatural urge to slap people and calls everyone his ho while he beats us with Lucius’ pimp cane. THIS IS WHY HE’S COOLER THAN YOU.

It’s so weird to come back after two years and mostly everything feels the same. Though now (finally) Jen and Chase have shacked up and made with the sexin’, which was a long time coming, let me tell you. It doesn’t seem that long ago that Jen came down to live with me for a couple weeks and I turned her into a stripper ;D I’m amazing, let me tell you. Unfortunately, she has left that occupation. How sad. Technically I suppose I did too, but only because I’m too lazy to go to another club and be like HIRE ME, MMK?

The biggest thing that freaked me the fuck out when I came back to that site was that for the first time in, well, FOREVER, we’re winning the house cup. SUCK ON THAT, DOUCHEBAGS! Finally we get points for actually pwning the crap out of the other houses in competitions.

I have no idea why I’m still writing about this, FTR. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that nap today >.>

FUCK. DEATHLY HALLOWS COMES OUT IN LESS THAN A WEEK! /runs around like a crazy person and falls flat on my face

JOIN ME IN THE AWESOME OR DIE: Hogwarts Extreme: Because You Don’t Need A Real Life!

I NO WANT UR CRAZY DRAMAZ. MELLOW IT DOWN, SON.

2010-10-01T05:04:00.000-07:00

So, me and my roommate Rikki had a conversation awhile back about our radical differences in our television show tastes. About the only thing we truly have in common is "Leverage", though she sucked me into "Big Brother", and I sucked her into "How I Met Your Mother." That's about it. Other than that, I mainly watch crime dramas or scifi dramadys, and she pretty much watches pure dramas/suspense/crazy ass shit that never tells you the answer till the end type of TV shows, or reality shows that make me want to take my head off most days.

But anyway, that made me think about my television choices and what it is that draws them all together, and I'm pretty sure it's the fact that there's not an obnoxious amount of drama. I like drama, don't get me wrong. if you read my fics, it's actually funny because most of my stuff is pure drama and angst, but my TV? I need a balanced amount. Which is why, by the way, I despise "The L Word". Yes, I'm a lesbian and love watching other lesbians make out and be sexy and shit, but that show had so much unnecessary drama it made my head wanna explode.

So. My Top TV show obsessions, and you can see the common denominator pretty clearly:

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (AND ANGEL, BUT YEAH)

Every episode, Buffy (or Angel, respectably) is always kicking some demon's ass or saving the world from hell. But then there's the side drama which basically consists of (in my mind) OMG WHEN ARE BUFFY AND FAITH GOING HAVE SEX?, SPIKE IS MADE OF SO MUCH WIN BUT SWITCHES FROM EVIL/NOT EVIL LIKE A CONFUZZLED PUPPY, RILEY NEEDS TO DIE IN A FIRE, TARA SHOULD HAVE NEVER GOT SHOT, and NO ONE WANTS TO SEE GILES MAKE OUT WITH PEOPLE. NO ONE. EW. Thus, providing a nice balance episode to episode with enough character drama and yet enough of another plot so it doesn't become obnoxiously overwhelming. (and if you want my opinion on Angel, omg the whole Conner storyline needs to be burned and never spoke of again and Season 5 was totally the best season ever IMO)

LEVERAGE

Leverage is actually interesting for me because for the life of me I couldn't give half a crap about the cons. I just don't. I don't even pay attention to them most times (which was a total bitch when I actually had to review the eps for If Magazine). I love the characters and how they're all dysfunctional misfits and I love watching them grow. Season 3 is giving me headache and I'm blacklisting most of it, but I have hope for season 4. And for the love of god, stop making Parker into a fucking Barbie. She was awesome in the first season especially because she wasn't obnoxiously beautiful and, you know, actually RELATED to the rest of us because of that. I mean, come on, we all know Beth is, but Parker looked like a regular person back then (with, granted, an awful fashion sense, but that made her endearing). Can we have that back please? No? Well fuck you then. But anyway! Even though I don't pay attention to who's getting their ass kicked by the Leverage team half the time, I think the balance between characters/cons makes for interesting television. Because as much as I would love entirely character-centric episodes, if there were too many I'd get bored. Fast.

RIZZOLI & ISLES

Okay, well besides this being a cop drama and the obvious answer that every episode has a case, THIS SHOW IS THE GAYEST FUCKING SHOW EVER. & I WANT ITS FIRST BORN. It's like if Xena and SVU had a baby and it spawned this show. No, I'm serious. Anyway, Jane and Maura totally have this unspoken crazy gay love for each other, so what makes this show good are all the moments between them. And as we all know, good things have to come in moderation or it gets obnoxious and overwhelming. If the show was entirely made up of their unrequited lesbian love for each other, it'd probably annoy the shit out of me and I'd want to stab myself in the eye. But no, the cases balance all that out, which makes me wait on bated breath for each new moment that's so gay it's beginning to not even be subtext anymore. Like, really. Now all we have to hope for is that Angie Harmon won't stop the fun train if it's presented to her because apparently because she's a Republican, she must be an asshole to the gays (and to be fair, I'll give that 80% of the time that tends to be true, but I won't judge her until I fully know where she stands). Yay for Sasha though. Just ONE BIG YAY FOR SASHA. I don't need reasons. She's just awesome.

DOCTOR WHO

THIS SHOW. THIS. This is amazing. Every episode they're saving some planet or some other such intergalactic adventure, but you still get sucked into the character drama. LIKE OMG WHO IS RIVER SONG?! AHH. But, okay, I shouldn't get into my crush on River, that'll take awhile. Now, I DO have to say I get sick of the "everyone falls in love with the Doctor" bullshit they've been pulling for a gazillion and a half years, which is probably why I adored Donna like nobodies business. But yes. To reiterate a million times; crazy intergalactic battles vs character drama. Nice balance. AND SOMEONE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE THE DALEKS GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL COLORS. CRYAOLA/POWER RANGERS DON'T INVOKE FEAR. IT MAKES ME GIGGLE. ALOT.

BONES

I admit, I am a Booth/Bones shipper. I usually femslash all to hell and back (and probably still would if the whole Angela/Roxie business wasn't an awful promotional stunt that was poorly managed and made me want to gag). But Booth and Bones? THEY BELONG TOGETHER. And I, like everyone else in the fucking world, bang my head against my desk as they stretch it out and prolong it to the point of absolute INSANITY. But what makes it bearable? Every episode has a case. I also love all the other characters and interns and their side stories. It's good damn TV, really. BALANCE, people. It's about BALANCE. I'm going to keep stressing that lol.

THE CLOSER

Ah, another cop drama. And I'll admit, I only put a picture up of Brenda/Raydor because I want them to have lots of angry hateful sex. Well, okay, I did until they started to kind of get along (which isn't much, but for them it's a milestone) over the whole Chief of Police business. Which we all knew Brenda wasn't gonna get btw, so why even bother? But anyway! This show, like all cop shows, have a case every episode. This is a bit different though because it's pretty much "The Brenda Show" otherwise. Which I don't mind, Brenda is hot and hilarious and I fucking adore her. Also, I think this is the only show that's really be successful with the main character being happily married, and that's EPIC. Fritz is adorable, he is. But Brenda still needs to have angry!sex with Raydor. Now. Anyway! Another nice balance. YAY FOR BALANCE. (oh, and btw, random factoid: this is the first show I've watched religiously since it's aired. I was 18. Aw. I mean, now I have other shows I've done that for, but this was the first. Let's hug it *coddles*)

Now, I'm sure you all are like "wtf, why hasn't she mentioned Xena yet?" Well...

XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS

Xena's tricky. Xena's hard to define, period. You can't just say she goes around redeeming herself every episode, because that's not true. She's fucked up and there's even episodes that in essence are completely pointless in regards to that aspect. She kicks someone's ass every episode, which is nice. Hm. That. Yeah, we'll go with that. The ass kicking lol. Anyway, outside of all the ass kicking and saving Gabrielle until she was competent enough to save herself, THERE WAS SO MUCH MASSIVE GAY LOVE. And Xena was different than Rizzoli & Isles (and ultimately, I'll still say better) because hey, back then, open gay characters were not very common on TV. Especially prime time. So they hinted all the could at it without actually saying it. There was actually talk about a movie in the works YEARS ago about them finally coming out as lovers, but god knows if that'll ever get filmed. Oh, and Lucy and Renee were totally awesome about the gay stuff and that's a yay. UGGHHH I MISS THIS SHOW SO HARD. Right, anyway, what's my point? Oh yeah, frankly Xena's too epic to ever be truly define, and other shows weep at it's feet from the sheer awesome. That is all. Oh yeah, and a bunch of crap about balance. (which actually they did with drama/action/comedy episodes being switched around all the time, now that I think about it)

Right, so? My point here is the world needs balance, as does TV shows. If you shove DRAMADRAMADRAMA or ANGSTANGSTANGST down my throat I'm likely to gag. Strangely enough I can deal with COMDEDYCOMEDYCOMEDY, but that's another story.

But anyway, this entry cured me of my boredom, and now I'm getting really tired. So. I guess I'm off.

BALANCE, PEOPLE.

End of lesson.

Oh, and those are all the shows I have to watch when they air or I'll die. FTR. Just in case anyone was wondering, which I'm sure you weren't. At all.

Oh yeah, and Skins is the exception to that rule. That drama sucks me in and spits me back out again & I have to watch every week. But then again, it's a British show, which therefore makes it an allowable exception to the rule. Story; end of.

Yeah, the girls are the only one's worth mentioning right now because I'm gayer than a marshmallow spitting rainbows. However, let me say that the third generation (not pictured up there, that's second) is so much fulgier than first and second. Wtf. They better fix them up real good on camera, cause the only official picture I saw they all looked like asshole compared to the other two.

Honesty

2010-09-28T21:01:00.001-07:00

I tried to write about this a couple days ago when I was drunk, but it ended up being a babble of incoherent sentences that I’m sure repeated the same thing I wanted to say over and over, just in different ways. I mean, I know I have a problem with repeating myself, but I think that’s because I’m always afraid people won’t understand what I mean the first time around. Or the second.

But I’ve come to a point where I need to be honest. I know I’m usually honest to the point of TMI most days, but it’s never about anything important. Not really. Or, well, it’s never about anything I’m ashamed of. This, both of these, I am. So much that ever since then I’ve been having problems getting to sleep at night. I lie awake in bed every night and think about this shit. I can’t help it. Trust me, I wish I could. I’d prefer to have a normal sleep schedule for once instead of lying in bed until 9am.

Anyway, both of these things happened in June.

Most of you know that I had a problem with meth and made it past the one year clean mark. That’s still true. I didn’t lie to anyone about that. But It was kind of fucked, because all it took was being around it one time before I ended up spending $600 on meth in a single fucking month. One time. A bunch of random guys offered to give me a ride to work but they needed to go to their dealer’s house. The dealer lived a block away from me. ONE BLOCK. Are you serious? It was fucking over the moment it started. I was tweeked out through the entire month of June. I think I slept maybe a total of five days out of that whole month. Maybe ate a total of, eh, we’ll give it seven or eight days. It was so sad how EASY it was for me to say yes to it. I didn’t even think twice. Even after being clean for over a year, I said yes without a moments hesitation.

And you know what’s sad? Part of me loved it. I fucking love that drug, I’m sorry. I know it gets me in so much trouble and coming down is like being in hell but sometimes I crave it like I crave air to live.

I love what the drug lets me achieve. I’m a creative person, okay? If I’m not creating something I feel like I don’t have a purpose. But I have focus problems and it can screw up a big project I’m working on if it’s taking too long and my ADD kicks in. Then I’m like fuck this and try to wrap it up as quickly as possible, half assed. Like my fanvids, for example.

On meth, I make amazing fucking fan videos. My Nate addiction one, my Beth Starry Eyed one, my Leverage South Park one that everyone fucking loves? Meth. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on making shit of that caliber without the focus meth gives me. Especially the South Park one. I mean, finding clips that kind of match to the words, do you know how long that takes? I couldn’t do that to save my life sober.

You know how long its taken me to build my own website right now? For my fan fiction and fan videos? It’s been months, months. And I’m still fucking it off and making it half assed. But when I was on meth, I made my entire Beth Riesgraf fan site in a little over a week. Fuck, to be honest, most of the shit I’ve ever done for Beth has been built on meth, but let’s not go there.

Point is, meth stimulates my creativity and allows me to focus better. That’s why I have a hard time not doing it. I’m not a tweeker that smokes, then fucks off with their friends in stupid ass ways to get arrested, or cleans the house like a maniac. I do shit. Productive fucking shit, thank you.

I’ve been clean since I moved to Portland, by the way, but fuck knows how long that’ll last. I know I can’t see it without wanting it, and how am I supposed to go my whole life never seeing it? But whatever.

I didn’t have the time of my life on it though, of course. The guilt was fucking eating me alive and yet I still kept it a secret. It’s hard when people say “I’m proud of you” and you know that there’s really nothing to be proud of anymore. So, what did I do? I did the same thing I did when I knew I was spiraling out of control the first time on meth: I focused far too much on Beth. Which wouldn’t have been much an of an issue if the situation was still the same as it was back then. Back then I had never met her, back then I wasn’t able to freaking email her. Do you see how this became an issue, and fast? Dear lord.

But yeah, back then, when I fucked off every day and living in a motel room with my three cats and miserable about it, I focused on Beth. I made the website, the YouTube channel. I obsessed heavily because it let me not focus on my own life. So I guess when that happened again, I went back to my comfort zone. Except, you know, this time, it made shit so much worse.

This time, I had already met her. I was able to talk to her whenever I wanted. I ended up looking up to her so much and at the same time developing a sort of crush on her and desperately felt the need to impress her; to get her to like me. It was awful, really, because I’m bad with people to begin with, so I have no idea how to talk to a person normally in the first place. And then there’s her. I was worse with her.

Look at my YouTube channel. Do you know how many fan videos of her I made in June? Every single one I would send her an email to show her and be all LOOK WHAT I MADE BLAH BLAH VALIDATE ME LOVE ME BLAH. It was embarrassing, really. At the time I didn’t think so, I was so wrapped up in trying not to feel guilty about what I was doing that I felt like if Beth liked me than I wouldn’t have a reason to feel so awful. I kind of went overboard though.

And then something kind of went down at the end of the month that made us stop speaking to each other. I won’t go into what it is, it’s between us and really isn’t anyone else’s business, but long story short: she hurt my feelings and I retaliated in a really fucking awful way. Like, I was a huge cunt to her. HUGE. I didn’t yell at her or anything, I didn’t tell her to fuck off or say fuck you or call her any names (to her face, anyway) but I was really fucking mean to her regardless. Now, to be fair, I really don’t think she meant to hurt my feelings. She never meant for me to find out the real reason about something, because if she did, she would have told me straight up. I think she did when she did to spare my feelings, but because I knew the truth I went the fuck off at her.

That was also the point where I realized meth was fucking me sideways. Because when you’re up for a week straight, bipolar like a bitch already, it kind of makes you… snap. And I think if I wasn’t doing meth, maybe I would have taken a second to think about what was going on and respond in a more adult way. But I didn’t take a second to think. At all. I just reacted. Because in that moment I hated her with every inch of my being.

I’m one of those people who do things and don’t think about tomorrow. I’m convinced I won’t be alive much longer so I look at things like it doesn’t fucking matter, only to hate life when I’m still alive and it matters somewhere down the road. And it matters now, I feel fucking awful.

Beth is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met who seriously had no reason to even give me the time of day in the first place, and yet she did. And I think I really ended up hurting her because of what I did. I mean, I’m her biggest fan. I think she’s so incredibly talented, more than any other actress I’ve seen, and I’ve supported her in ways no one else ever has before. I’m the one that always stuck up for her and had her back when other people were being douchebags. So for me to turn around and be horrible to her like that? That really must have hurt.

Yeah, I feel like a cunt.

Not that I’m invalidating my own feelings on the matter. She did hurt me and to be honest I doubt I’ll ever get an apology for it. I’d like to think that it doesn’t matter, but that’d be a lie.

I probably shouldn’t care what some woman I barely know thinks about me, but I do. I can’t help it. She’s important to me, you know? I’ve gone into this before; about how Parker helped me and stuff. I mean, that’s fucking important. And how when I wanted to kill myself because I was in this dark fucking hole of tweaked out shit, I used her to feel happier. I mean, indirectly, she did save my life. So yeah, she’s fucking important and that’s why it mattered.

Anyway, regardless of all of that and how I feel about her side of it, I do know that I fucked up worse. I do know that I had no right to say what I said to her and to act like a complete angsted out teenager on crack. It makes me feel awful because I really don’t think she deserved that, even if she did hurt my feelings. It’s not like she was cruel to me or anything. So, I’ve been needing to seriously apologize to her for awhile now.

Which brings me to her birthday gift and why the fuck that isn’t sent out yet even though it’s been over a month.

All the stuff is wrapped and ready to go out. Has been for weeks. I have a big letter in there in which I apologize for being a complete ass. And has it gone out? No. Why? I’m fucking terrified to send it. This is one of those things where I seriously only get one shot at and I still don’t know if what I said will even make a difference. I mean, I’m shit with people, really. Like absolute shit. I’m worried I said the wrong thing and… fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with it.

And it’s not fair to everyone else who sent their stuff in. It’s not just my present, it’s everyone’s. Fuck. I don’t know.

I just feel bad about it and this crap keeps me awake at night. Beth, the meth thing, fucking all of it. I continuously beat myself up over it. I can’t help it. That’s just who I am. I’ve never had shit go on this long. Ever. I don’t know how to handle it.

So yeah. There’s honesty right there. The entire month of June and why it sucked. I’ve just kept this shit inside for way to long and maybe, I don’t know, talking about it will allow me to try to move past it. Hopefully. I just need to quit lying to everyone.

Though, in all honesty, I’ll still tell people, when directly asked, that I’ve been clean for a year and a half. I can’t say three months outloud. It’s just depressing.

Fuck. Idk.

Welcome to the death of my Leverage obsession

2010-08-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

You know, I knew this would start happening sooner or later. If I’m to be completely honest, I really thought it would be much sooner than this. Much more of a natural decrease too, or maybe a rapid switch due to other interests or something, rather than this all happening because of what happened with… well, someone specific.

But all good things come to an end eventually, right? This has happened a lot with me because of my Bipolar disorder so I’m hardly surprised by it.

Though I am surprised that this is starting to die out a lot slower than I would have thought, at least due to the circumstances, anyway. Leverage had a real strong hold on me for a long time, that’s for sure. It ain’t going without a fight :P

But it’s beginning not to matter much anymore.

Now, okay, let me be clear: my obsession dying out doesn’t mean I don’t love the show anymore. I’m still gonna watch it every Sunday night without fail. I’m still gonna get my ass to Con-Con next year. I’m still gonna squee over the awesome that is Parker. But when my obsession dies, a lot of things go away.

Fanfic. Fan videos. Graphics. My Beth website (which is already dead, to be fair. RIP). I have no need to read interviews or see behind the scenes videos. You know how much I’ve been missing lately? A lot, and yet I have no desire to go back and look at these things. I just… don’t find that I care much about those types of things anymore. Hell, you wanna know something sad? I know every single name of every episode in seasons one and two and know what happened in each (and some of them can quote the entire episode through). You ask about season three? I’m kinds of screwed on that front. You know I had to go look up the name of the episode the other day where Parker talks about pretzels? Yeah. Bad. Why I know this shit is dying out. I’ve also only watched every episode in season three one time, besides maybe two or three which I’ve seen twice.

And you know what’s messed up more than all that? I was supposed to extra on the series finale of Leverage, but due to some circumstances with people getting sick and whatnot, that didn’t happen. And… I’m not really disappointed. I was just kind of like, “Oh well.” I’m really kind of indifferent about it. Yeah, it would have been cool, but it’s not a huge let down that it didn’t happen.

~~On a side note: how ironic is it that this happened just as I move to Portland? Lol~~

I can’t help but miss it though. I still kind of miss all my past obsessions on some level. My brief stint of YouTube fame where I was a vlogging QUEEN, my Harry Potter one a lot (or more specifically, hexrpg.com), Xena, Buffy and Faith. I do miss them all. I’m starting to miss Leverage already. I’m also starting to miss Beth. Or, I guess, loving her in the way I used to. I still support her, but not like how it was.

I’m glad I’m getting heavily into Doctor Who though (or more specifically, River Song and the actress that plays her, Alex Kingston), because it’s the times that I don’t have something to obsess over that I feel kind of lost. So this came at a really good time for me.

It sucks though. I still hear songs and think “Oh, this will make a great Leverage/Parker/other character video!” and yet… I don’t do it. I have fic left unfinished. Hell, I guess that’s a welcome to the loss of my Buffy/Faith obsession world too though. People are still badgering me to finish those and fuck knows when I will.

That’s not to say that Leverage won’t come back. Sometimes they do, but it’s never like how it was at first. Just brief stints in between loving other things.

But yeah… I realized lately that this is actually the death of my Leverage obsession. I feel kind of sad about it, but it’s not like I can change it.

Welcome to the life of being Bipolar.

you gave me sanity, then took it away just as fast

2010-06-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting for things to change.

I keep waiting to wake up one morning and for everything to feel okay. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal. I keep waiting for the silly joy over stupid things to come back; to get excited over, hell, anything, no matter how small. I keep waiting for the overwhelming desire to create and obsess because without that focus I feel slightly lost. I keep waiting to finally stop crying.

Fuck, I keep waiting to not feel sick every time I try to watch my favorite fucking television show.

I keep foolishly waiting for things that probably aren’t going to change for awhile.

I’m not such a child to be upset over what happened. That I’m okay with; it’s not the end of the world. Yes, it made me happy, but so did a lot of other things before it. It’s not that it happened, it’s why it happened; what it means.

I seriously can’t watch Leverage without it feeling like it’s completely fucking destroying my self esteem. How fucked is that? I watched a whole five minutes of the “The Inside Job” before I had to turn it off, and that was the episode I had been so fucking excited about seeing for months now. And yeah, I could have sat there and watched it and felt like shit the entire time, but fuck that. I’m not going to ruin it. I’d rather wait and see if things change and then watch it and feel the excitement and happiness I was supposed to in the first place.

Nothing should have this much power over me. I should be able to say “fuck you” to everyone and everything and enjoy the things I’ve always enjoyed. But no, because my brain is excellent at destroying my sanity, I can’t. It’s not fucking fair.

What’s worse is that I think I defined myself by my place in the Leverage fandom, because now I feel like I don’t know who the hell I am. Yeah, that’s really screwed up. But hey, I have a mental disorder; at least I have an excuse.

And it’s fucked, you know, that people know I’m upset, and because of it are sending me all these things that if this was any other problem, would put a smile on my face. But not now. Now, they keep sending me reminders of the fucking problem and I can’t even tell people to quit it because the last thing I need is to get in trouble for things I’m not allowed to talk about.

Yeah, I hate this whole “not allowed” thing. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have feelings and that other people are more important than I am. No, no one gives half a fuck about Mary’s sanity, all everyone cares about is catering to the rest of the fucking world and making sure they’re okay.

Thanks for piling the self esteem issues on more.

But at the same time, even if I was allowed, I don’t think I would. The problem isn’t anyone else’s business but my own and the people it involves. I’m also not a complete asshole and don’t exactly have the desire to fuck things up for other people, no matter what they’ve done or how they’ve made me feel. ~~Probably because a part of me still feels like I owe them something.~~

Which, by the way, that feeling is that I’m not good enough; that people fucking look down on me. Like I’m some dirty little secret that should be hidden away and never spoke of.

Normally I’d just tell people to go fuck themselves, and while that was my initial reaction, I think the main reason why this is fucking me up so badly is because all of this is coupled with a huge feeling of disappointment. No, I’m sorry; devastation. I’m fucking devastated.

Maybe it’s my fault for assuming that not everyone in this world is a complete asshole though. Whatever.

I just hope that somehow, some fucking way soon, that this feeling stops. I don’t care how and I don’t care why, but I can’t stand feeling like this. But there seems to be no way for me to actually resolve this and get some real answers so… I think I’m kinda stuck this way for awhile.

*sigh*

I just wanna fucking smile again.

Pretending

2010-06-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been relieved and terrified at the same time? It’s a really awkward combination of emotions.

Everyone’s been asking what I did, why I’m crying, how I could fuck possibly fuck things up, etc, and frankly; I’m honest about a lot, but I have to keep this to myself right now. I’ve talked to a few friends who have assured me I did the right thing, but the fact of the matter is I won’t know until later. I don’t need everyone and their mother knowing what I’m going through right now because it’s already really difficult for me and I guess I never realized how much this is going to affect my emotional state. I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to cry that much; think I got some backed up emotions going on here.

It’s also an awkward feeling when you don’t know if you’re crying because you feel better or because you hate who you are, or who you pretended you were, by the way. It’s confusing.

There’s a lot about myself that I’ve hidden from some people, and I guess this ended up being the day where I snapped. I couldn’t go on pretending being someone I’m not and it was too hard to keep up the false façade. And the messed up thing¬ is that I didn’t snap out of anger or frustration; I snapped out of desperation to try to get my point across to try to help someone else.

God, it just makes me sick how fake it all was though. Carefully worded sentences with little smiley faces wrapped up in this pretty little bow of complete absurdity. I’m not that person. Not that I can’t be that person, because I have my moments, but I’m sick of talking to people like they’re made of fucking glass.

I believe most human beings are stronger than we give them credit for.

I don’t know; I just wanted to help and this was the only way I knew how. Hopefully it’ll be taken as such. I could be making a huge deal out of nothing, after all, but I can’t help it after someone said something to me that’s had me terrified and on guard for months now. Sad thing is, I really don’t think they realized how much of an impact one simple sentence had on me.

I know I’m not normal; I don’t think normal and I damn sure don’t talk that way, and to basically assume that someone wouldn’t like me the way I really am, even indirectly, when I’m in this place where I’m striving for approval; it kind of fucked with me. It’s like hey thanks, I had insecurities before, but way to just layer it on! Thanks, really. Jesus.

Especially coming from someone who’s opinion means the world to me… it just, fuck, messed my head up a bit.

( it messed it up a lot )

This probably wouldn’t be as bad if I didn’t always attach myself to the parental figure in so many people. You’d think with the way I so desperately strive for approval with these people that I had parents that didn’t love me. But I did. I do. My parents love me and care about me. So why do I still need that nurturing/protective nature from other people? I desperately need people to love me. Not be in love with me, but just love me. I want love and acceptance and yeah, approval. Maybe it’s cause I’ve grown up thinking I’m not worth shit, that I’m no one, and so I kind of attach myself to any kind of praise or support I get like a drug. And once I start looking at these people like that, it makes me take everything they say like advice, something I need to do, even if it ends up only being just an opinion.

But we all know I don’t follow the leader for very long. I try, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not in my nature.

Like it or not, I’m an adult and I’m going to make my own decisions, even if they end up being bad ones. I feel like I can breathe a bit better finally though and I like that feeling. I also feel like I can also help when I’m me and not some robotic over thinking fucktard. And I want to help. That was the point. Something that someone said really bothered me and made me feel for them on a very human level, but I have a different opinion, or point of view, on the matter then them and blunt honesty was the only way I could properly express it.

I hope I did the right thing. I really do.

Are you beautiful now?

2010-05-20T02:15:00.000-07:00

It’s an emptiness that feels like it’s hollowing you out. But your skin burns as you scratch at it, trying to rip off the scars that prove your worthlessness. A pattern that means nothing but yet tells a story filled with self loathing and fear. Every mark destroys you; eats at you until there’s nothing left but there’s still the compulsion; the need to try to murder yourself a litter faster than before.

You feel like you’re suffocating but still you can take a breath. Your body feels heavy, but it may only be the weight of your soul. Your feet feel like they’re dragging even though you walk with a steady precision; you know where you’re going – it’s inevitable at this point. You always question the when but not the how; never the why. You know; you’ve always known. It was him and her and them and everyone that paved the road to this place:

Bodies upon bodies and lust upon hate; the weight of one man feels like a hundred because of his number. But it’s required; it’s what you do. It’s what we all do. We play the game and do what’s expected because it’s the way we’ve been taught; the way you’ve been taught. You know how to obey, more than you know how to protest.

The word ‘no’ sounds foreign for all the good it does; most of the time it never makes it out of your mouth anyway. It’s a coy look and a smile; a laugh like it’s a joke even though your skin is crawling because you already know the way this game ends. There is no choice anymore; it’s all a lie. It’s laughable how easy people make it sound; but they don’t know reality. They don’t know what it’s like to feel trapped by repetition and habit.

You learned young, didn’t you?

This is what you do; this is how you do it. And you will always, always give it when it’s needed.

And it broke you.

Fool. You thought it gave you power. Do you feel powerful now? To have lost count? To feel sick every time you touch yourself? But you still persist; let the insanity of this addiction consume you whole and spit you back out again until you lie there; naked and bleeding and wondering yet again why people think this is fun; sexy.

You have the fantasy; consume yourself with it. Of what it’s supposed to be like, what it’s supposed to feel like. So you sit and you write and you run away… but you never run far enough. It’ll never stop, and no matter how much you write about perfection, you will never have it. No matter how much you write about the pain, it doesn’t make it go away.

It was bearable with the distraction. Fill the pipe, spark the flame; watch the smoke swirl in the little glass bowl and taunt you with promises of forgotten nightmares as you inhale and feel the weight be lifted from your shoulders, just a little. But the pipe is broken; the release long gone. What’s left? Your skin can barely handle the torture anymore; mistakes, excuses, and destruction are starting to rise up instead of blend with the background. It’s ugly and that’s something you can’t bear.

You’re ugly on the inside; you must be beautiful on the outside. Fix your hair and pound on the makeup and have cleavage that goes for miles. But that’s not beauty; that’s a sign on your forehead. You make it true; all of it. It’s the way you dress and the way you speak and the habits you’ve fallen into so deep that’s near impossible to climb your way out of. You feel like trash and all you do is make yourself look like beautiful garbage.

So you take a swig of the liquor and swallow more of your new salvation. The room blurs around you but you lather, rinse and repeat as the numbness settles in your chest. It’s a finality; a calm. You aren’t scared, for the first time in your life. It’s an expected closure that you’ve been waiting on bated breath for. You need it; crave it.

Save me.

There are no tears; tears would imply sadness. You aren’t sad; you’re relived. Finally, finally… a promise of peace. The voices stop screaming in your head and you feel yourself smile slightly; the muscles shutting down even in your face making it more difficult. But it doesn’t matter; you know your smiling.

Are you beautiful now?

Tell me, are you beautiful now?

I like it

2010-04-08T01:39:00.000-07:00

There’s always a lot of smiley faces in her messages and sometimes I wonder if it’s to overcompensate for the fact that taking to me has got to be a little weird for her, but she doesn’t want me to know that.

“Take care of you yourself.” Always one of those at the end. Sometimes I wonder how much she knows and how much of a picture she’s been painted at how broken I really am. I don’t ask because part of me doesn’t want to know.

Light; I try to keep it light with her. Be normal. I think I over think the whole being normal thing though so it feels a little awkward. Maybe I’ll get used to it. It’s different with her than it is with him.

With him it’s natural and it’s light because it’s easy, not because I over think things like a moron. I can’t remember if I did when it first started, but probably seeing the situation. I think I just got used to it so I guess I got to get used to her too.

I think that goes both ways though.

It’s still different though. I like it, like both of it; maybe it makes me feel less like the freak I assume everyone thinks I am because of how passionately I throw myself into things.

But I like that some people find me normal enough to talk to and can blur the line just a little bit that most people have to stand so firmly on the other side of.

I like it.

Leverage Convention 2010

2010-03-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

I guess before I start rambling on for about ten pages, to start I’d like to especially thank Dean, Beth, Chris, Tim, and Rikki for making this weekend incredibly special for me. Love you guys, all in your own special way, haha.

This was the best weekend of my life, and I don’t use that lightly. Fuck, I’m not even sure on where to start.

I guess it would make sense to start at the beginning, so Thursday it is. First of all, let me tell you all that my flight went out around 5am EST (the time I usually go to sleep) and got in at 11am PST. I had one hour of sleep, and not a full, constant hour. I was slightly delirious for being up for over 24 hours, but
I was too excited to let it really bother me. I mean fuck, I was in Portland at the freakin’ Leverage convention. Who the hell needs sleep? I was jacked up on Monster for most of that day lol.

Rick came and met me at the airport and we chilled for a little while until I went to go see Dean. I know I never really talked about him in here, at least not by specific name, but I think after the convention it’s kind of obvious that he doesn’t just know me as “hey, that’s the Leverage fangirl.” Dean has been an amazing friend to me over the last year and I owe him, fuck, basically my life. I won’t go into details but he seriously has been an amazing friend to me and has helped me out when no one else would. So getting to meet him finally face to face was awesome. I practically tackled him, ain’t gonna lie lol.

After that I went to the Meet and Greet thingie. I tacklesquished Kimber and then when Sage walked in and I squealed and totally interrupted Marc’s speech (oh well lol). Met Rikki then, but I didn’t know her from Twitter really so we didn’t talk much. That damn room was packed full and was hot as hell. I didn’t eat, though I probably should have lol. My nerves were going haywire though. Afterwards a bunch of us went to Mo Mo’s to get some drinks (or a lot of drinks, if you have seen the video I took haha). I’m not really sure how but me and Rikki completely gravitated towards each other that night and I ended up spending the night at her place instead of at Cole’s. It was fun – I gave Rose a friggin lap dance hahaha. Part of me is like hmm maybe I shouldn’t have put that up on the YouTube channel but the other part of me is like fuck it, I had my clothes on at least xD And it ain’t like my subscribers don’t know what I do for a living anyway.

Oh. Actually I found out there’s this one cunt on Twitter who apparently decided to talk shit to my friends at the last Kane concert they all went to, saying like “Do you know what Mary IS?!” And then went on to say I’m a meth addict and a whore. Bitch, first of all, on the 28th I’ll be clean for a year. Second of all, while I won’t deny that I am a whore, trying to turn my friends against me is fucked up and vindictive. You are so fuckin’ lucky you weren’t at Con because shit would have went down. You think I would’ve gotten kicked out? Think again. Bet my last dollar you would have though.

But moving on. I barely got any sleep that night – too excited.

Also, let me point out that from here on out me and Rikki were completely inseparable. We were like attached at the hip the rest of the convention. LOVE YOU TWIN! Black ~~King~~ Queen / White Knight! Haha

Friday we got our badges, and me and Rikki have an aversion to standing in lines so we just kind of waited over by the tables so we could jump in at the last minute. Turns out we didn’t have to though; the lady working it apparently knew who we were and gave them to us while we were just standing there. We got ones that had a shiny little “Participant” ribbon on them (this is why we’re awesome, btw LOL). But for some fucked up reason, I got first row and she got eighth. I tried talking to Rachel about that and then to Dean, but there was really nothing they could do. Thankfully someone else gave Rikki their seat up front for some of the panels, which was super sweet of them. If not I was just going to have her take my seat during the guy’s panel, since she really loves Tim. I really wasn’t expecting front row either, I’m not really sure who’s doing that was, but thank you!

Anyway, Friday was my panel. I was nervous like hell going on stage and talking to a bunch of people. I’ve always been the girl who goes up in front of the class to present a project and my voice shakes and I stutter and shit. So I’m up there with a bloody microphone in my hand and like a hundred people staring at me and it was… actually not as hard as I thought it was going to be. It might sound stupid but after I showed my videos I didn’t actually expect people to clap lol. I got kind of startled when that happened, but it was nice. I got a bit freaked when I turned around and saw myself all on the big screen haha. I’m just not used to stuff like that, but it was really cool.

Directly afterwards, some photographer comes up to me and says he wants to take pictures of me. I was kind of taken aback by that, but it was really cool to play model again. I’ve gotten two of the pictures back but I hope I get more *bounces* I look super fucking WHITE in them. Its sexy as fuck haha.

So anyway, to backtrack a bit, during the panel someone asked me if I ever thought of doing this professionally and I kind of… said a little bit more than I should of. So of course, being the sleep deprived and over emotional human being that I am I get all upset until I can find Dean and cry and apologize. Of course, like always, I made a huge deal over nothing, but at least he’s used to that lol. Seriously, tiny things are always the end of the freaking world with me. But it was cool to see that Dean sat in for my panel and I saw John there for a little bit – I felt cool xD

Anyway, after that; me, Rikki, Jason, Robert, and Ali kind of all just gravitated together for the next couple hours. Their room was officially dubbed the party room, pretty much haha.

The cocktail party… haha. Oh lord. I got SO fucking trashed. I had eight 7 and 7s, which was what? “The Blow It Up Job”? Lol. I know I had one “Five Pounds of Crazy” (fail, Rikki! It’s twenty pounds! Lol) which was I think a kamikaze. Fuck if I remember. Anyway, that was really fucking fun. Got to take pictures with a shit ton of people. Both John Rogers and Chris Downey knew who I was which I thought was freaking epic. Rick and Gerald were both really fun to hang out with too, I’m upset I missed their panel but I believe autographs were going on then and we all know how crazy that shit was. Albert Kim wanted a picture with me, which I thought was cool too.

Me and Rikki were outside smoking our hundredth drunken cigarette of the night when Rachel came out and told us we had to help herd the crowd of Leverage fans away from the entrance where the actors would be coming in. Finally we made it back upstairs to join civilization and then the actors come out. Now, I’m not gonna lie… sadly I didn’t even remember this, but I have video proof lol. When Beth came out I did the whole “OMG OMG OMG OMG” thing lol. Yeah, I totally cut that out of the video that’s on YouTube hahaha. I blame being trashed and sleep deprived. I totally fangirled and it’s completely embarrassing *dies*

I do remember someone yelling out “CHRIS!” though so I yelled out “BETH!” to compensate haha.

Anyway, she totally didn’t even look at me and it made me sad since I knew she knew what I looked like and I’m not exactly hard to spot. Tim however did come over and introduce himself and to say hi to Rikki. That guy is fucking awesome, I’m serious. I had no idea how cool he was until this weekend haha. Anyway, my drunk ass did something stupid later that I won’t talk about but thankfully only Rikki was there for that part. After I left and me and Cole downed about five jager bombs in fifteen minutes and then headed off back to his place. I slept a little, thank god, but not much.

I can’t remember when exactly I raided the merchandise room, but I definitely bought pretty much everything on the fucking table haha. It was all really well priced too, which I’m thankful for.

The next morning drunk me tore Cole a new asshole. This is why I don’t do well with roommates, or being hung over lol. I think I scared him a little xD

Anyway, yeah, the next day we all met up and went to ‘The Five’ panel. I videoed most of that and it’s up on YouTube. I was so fucking excited to see Beth ya’ll don’t even know lol. But it was really funny and entertaining. I can’t describe it and give it justice so thank god for the videos hahaha.

So next… autographs. Oh god, the fucking autographs. Me and Rikki stayed at the back of the line for that. Lines and stuff like that are hard for me. There’s too many people, and especially with something like this emotions are running high and it really fucks with me. I actually started slightly hyperventilating at one point, not being able to deal with everyone around me and their emotions on top of my own. I was able to chill though eventually.

Gerald and Rick came out and Gerald signed my shirt but Rick’s person wouldn’t let him so he said he’d come sign it later. I didn’t even know they were signing autographs. Lame – they should have advertised that better.

Then Marc comes up and he’s like “Why are you two waiting in line?” and we’re like “Um…” so he herds us to the front of the line. Apparently since we’re involved in the convention we didn’t have to wait, which was cool.

Anyway, Tim’s first. I thank him for his portrayal of Nate and how it’s helped me work through my own addiction. He was really cool, talked to me and Rikki for awhile and kind of held up the line for a little while lol.

Then there’s Gina. First of all, she looked at my name tag and goes, “OhShinyTomato? You’re Mary right? You’re doing the fan video panel?” and I shit you not I was like “You know who I am?!” I was so… god, I don’t know. Out of all the people to completely have that fan girl mind blank in front of, it was Gina. She’s so… sophistication and poise though and it’s kind of intimidating. She totally just… I dunno. She made my brain dribble out of my ears. She’s so fucking sexy and her accent makes me melt lol.

So then I can see Beth looking at me out of my peripheral vision and my heart is going like a million miles an hour. I was fucking terrified. But I turned and looked at her, she smiled and said hi, and I hugged her. It was just kind of instinctual lol. But then out of fucking NO WHERE comes people running up with cameras and a bloody video camera taking pictures and video of us and it was slightly fucking overwhelming. We kind of looked at each other like ‘holy shit.’ And in one way I was expecting it, but I guess in another I didn’t think it would actually happen so it kind of freaked me out.

Anyway, I was like “I don’t know if Dean told you, but he was supposed to set something up so where could meet privately so all that didn’t happen when we first met.” And she said yeah, that Dean told her, and that she was going to talk to him afterwards so I could meet with her privately later in the day. She signed my picture, apologized for not really personalizing it besides my name but I said that was fine. I told her I was really nervous about meeting her and she told me she was a little nervous about meeting me too, which made me feel better and I thought it was kind of cute lol. Um… said something about wanting her to sign my Nobody DVD but I didn’t have it on me so I said I’d bring it back the next day.

But let me just say something to put it out there – TV and photos doesn’t do this woman justice. She is stunningly beautiful. It kind of shocked me to be honest. I knew she was pretty but when she smiles it like lights up her whole face. And she’s really soft spoken and super fucking sweet. And then there’s me; loud mouthed, brash, and inappropriate and I’m like god, how the hell did someone like you end up with me as your biggest fan? I mean I’m a fucking mess, I’m trashy, I’m rude… and she’s so the complete opposite. It’s weird.

Anyway, Aldis was next and he didn’t know who I was but that was cool haha. We didn’t really talk much.

Then I see Chris and he comes and gives me a big hug. He asked if I was going to the concert and um, duh. I told him I did end up buying a ticket, since originally I didn’t have one and he said that it didn’t matter and that he’d still make sure I could get in. But he took too long to get back to me and I got all paranoid about it haha. Then again, to be fair to him, I didn’t even email him until like the last minute. I’m such a procrastinator, for real. Anyway, it was totally cool seeing him again. He’s my favorite man lol. Well, okay, after Dean. Still.

Then I went over to Dean, John, and Chris’ table and they all signed my shirt since I figured I might as well get it littered with signature now lol. Talked to Dean about what Beth said he said he’d set it up at the Banquet. Then me and Rikki talked to Rachel and then introduced us to some reporter who interviewed us (but only used Rikki in the interview and posted a HIDEOUS picture of me lol)

Then Jackie, Rachel’s assistant (I think? I believe, anyway) comes up to me and hands me something and says “Beth wanted you to have this.” So I look at it and it’s another autograph that says “Hi Mary, Thank you for everything, your support is so amazing! xo Beth” so I was like awww yay! That made me wicked happy, ain’t gonna lie. Jackie said she didn’t want to give it to me in the autograph line and have people get upset that she wrote something more to me than everyone else. I’m happy though – yay for smiling :)

Then we got autographs with Mark Sheppard who entertained us with a CSI story. I never saw his eps on CSI so I was just kinda listening to him talk cause the man could read a fucking phonebook and I’d find it fascinating LOL. He’s got such a nice voice.

I wish I had something of Dollhouse for him to sign damnit, but I still haven’t even bought the DVDs. Slacker. I will though! Sometime… haha

Anyway, after that we kind of chilled for a little bit and then I ran downstairs to go see Dean’s panel with John and Chris. I got a little of that on video too. They’re all really entertaining when they’re together and told some awesome stories.

Fuck, random thought – I don’t know when it was that everyone and their mother was coming up to me and being like “BETH HAS A TATTOO! DID YOU KNOW THAT?!” and um, no I didn’t lol. Nor did I even notice she had one either, but apparently it was on her ankle. I think she actually does have another one, at least that’s what it looked like in one movie, but that wouldn’t have been showing at the convention lol. There, I was kind of stuck on her beautiful face to notice anything else anyway. I barely even notice what she was wearing, which was a first. Me and Beth’s fashion doesn’t ever agree lol. Most of the time I look at pictures and I’m like “Really?” =/ But to be fair, she’s all girly and I’m all not so… bound to be some disagreement on that front lol. Though I did notice her dress at the banquet, that was really pretty, and I wanted her fucking boots she wore on Sunday. Those things were bad ass xD

Right anyway, so I was supposed to have my second panel at 5:30 but the autographs were running really late and my panel was supposed to be in that room. So Rachel said it’d probably be canceled and to talk to Marc. Well I couldn’t find him and my phone was dead the entire convention so that didn’t help. Finally he texted Rikki and told her that barely anyone showed up anyway so if I didn’t want to do it I didn’t have to. I know some people were pissed about this but I was STARVING. I really needed to eat cause I didn’t all day until then. I did one on Friday so I figured it’d be okay. So sorry for those of you that did show up for that, I apologize. Time constraints, confusion, and I was hungry.

Um… so right, the banquet. The food was AMAZING. Oh my god, was that shit good lol. Andy Lange preformed and was really good (forgot to mention he played during the Cocktail party too). Me and Rikki were downstairs having a smoke when she got a call that Deans looking for me so we head back up and he waves me over and I get to finally meet Beth privately. It’s funny cause my first reaction was “Whoa, you are not normally that tall” LOL. She’s a god two inches shorter than me normally but she was like two taller than me when I was standing next to her and it was weird for a second haha.

Anyway we said hi, hugged, and Rikki reminded me to give her my letter I wrote. It wasn’t like an OMG I LOVE YOU kind of letter, it wasn’t even fangirlish, but there was some things I did want her to know that I basically didn’t have the balls to say to her face. I’ve mentioned it in this blog before, about how much Parker has helped me personally, so it was basically about that. I felt kinda stupid writing it and giving it to her, but there really wasn’t any other way unless we both wanted to get up getting weepy and emotional and I try to stay away from emotions as much as I can. I always put on a dead voice and detach myself from reality to handle it and it wouldn’t have meant as much if I did it that way.

So we talked for a bit and then we watched Storm Large perform which - oh my god - that bitch is amazing! Which reminds me I totally need to go download some of her music now. Anyway, afterwards we talked a little more, and fuck; she was so damn nice lol. She thanked me for everything I did for her and told me I was beautiful and talented and strong and thank god I had a handle on myself at that point because I probably would have cried. I don’t know why her saying that meant so much to me but it did, as lame as that is since you know, I barely know her. But whatever. Um… shit, I’m trying to remember what we all talked about. I knew I should have done this blog earlier lol. I remember her saying to not take it personally if she doesn’t respond to me online (which, leads me to oh god does she know when I threw my hissy fit and took everything down? I hope not – me and my fucking stupid emotions, man) but she said she knows its weird with the line of actors and fans and yada yada. Erm… hm. What else? I remember Rick came up and signed my T-shirt and then she did too (she put #1 fan on it lol). Oh! I showed her my bracelet Kimber made for me and the OhShinyTomato badge that both said I was her number one fan and it made her smile.

OH! I got to ask her if her full name was Elizabeth or Bethany. It’s just Beth lol. There’s a reason behind that, but that’s her business. Or, her families anyway.

We talked about her photography; I told her there’s a back way into her website and she said she knows, which I don’t know if she knew because I tweeted that at her or what. Um... told her she’s gotta post more pictures lol. Fuck, I can’t remember everything, but yay for that good chunk lol. Afterwards I asked to take a picture with her and the first one came out blurry cause I forgot the flash, the second she said I did it too high up so she took the camera and tried to do it but put her finger over the flash lol. Awesome photography skillz, lemme assure you :P Anyway, then Paul took the picture for us and OH! I forgot to say Paul was there and he told me Sugarloaf was picked up – so I’ll be on TV! (at some point lol)

Um… anyway, rest of the banquet was cool. Storm Large told me I was gorgeous and I was like “Wow.” Just cause of the way she said it – I mean people told me all through the convention I was beautiful but the way she said it sounded like she really meant it. I remember Cole told me Storm was like me, and then when I was talking to Beth right at the beginning with Dean he said the same thing. He said her music is like my story – but of course my story isn’t the happiest one as you all know.

MY VAGINA IS EIGHT MILES WIDE… lol sorry. Moving on.

Um… got a pic with Aldis… Cole was being a pussy and wanted ME to go up to Beth to get a picture for him but I wasn’t gonna interrupt her at her table. He did eventually get one though and I went up to her after cause I forgot to tell her thank you for the other autograph. Um… oh yeah than Tim came up to our table and I may or may not have squeed just a little bit *headdesk* lol. I was happy for Rikki though cause she wanted a picture with him. I bounced a little bit when I got mine with him. Lol

Aldis did the electric slide which was great lol. Got that on video too.

I remember looking at Beth when she was over by the table and then getting absolutely horrified once I realized what I was doing lol. So of course, because I can’t stop shit from coming out of my mouth, I blurt out, “Oh god, I just checked out her ass! I feel like such a pervert!” lol. I’m serious. I’m insanely respectful of Beth, it’s kind of stupid lol. While I think she’s beautiful, I refuse to let myself think of her in a sexy way. It just feels weird to me. Besides, if I ever did the nasty to myself thinking about her do you really think I’d be able to look her in the eye? (*coughs* and that right there was probably my Gina problem lol) But Beth is so fucking SWEET that half the time I feel like my just my presence corrupts her lol. She’s just… nice damnit. I feel like a pile of shit next to her so I attempt to better myself in a way. Which, for the record, is really damn hard. Trying to think before I speak? Ya’ll have no idea how difficult that is for me. And it’s not like you can learn class instantly, here. I am very unclassy, I won’t deny it. I’m a trashy bitch, but I’m also a creative, smart, and talented as fuck trashy bitch lol.

Anyway, banquet was fun… afterwards me and Rikki were outside smoking a cigarette and Beth and Tim left in the limo. Right when they pulled out they popped out of the top to yell and wave bye to us (which was so epic because it nearly made Rikki jump out of her skin lol).

Afterwards we all went up to Robert, Jason, and Ali’s room and had the LQQ party! Which I laid SMACK DOWN on, btw. I have most games played AND overall winner. Robert just made my shirt too *prance* And then of course we do toasts and everyone gets a bit weepy except for me because I like to use that dead monotonic voice and pretend I don’t feel anything, which is always awkward because everyone knows what I’m doing lol. Um… yeah. God this is getting long lol.

We played Kimber’s Leverage trivia game btw. I got all the Beth questions right except one – her character’s name on Scorcher. I remembered after they said it, and I was like yes! Krissy with a K! hahaha. I’m such a dork.

SUNDAY! I missed Mark’s panel unfortunately because I was fucking STARVING. But the girls were up and that was YAY! Beth waved to me when she came out and it made me happy lol. Um… not much to say about that since I pretty much videoed the entire damn thing, but she did look directly at me when she talked about helping people, you can see it on film actually, and it made me smile. Oh! I got to ask Beth my question (which Rikki got on film). They opened the floor to questions and I kind of bounced over to the microphone all “ME FIRST!” lol. Gina and Beth laughed a little and were both like “Hi Mary.” Yes, I do feel cool that all these people know who I am, I’m just gonna put that out there. There are warm fuzzies involved or some other such cutsey crap lol

More autographs! Gina was first and she signed my shirt and I apologized for bypassing her so quickly last time cause Beth was like RIGHT THERE lol. I told her I loved Jekyll though and DAMNIT I wish I brought it for her to sign. Um... yeah she told me she knew where my loyalties lie lol, which was funny. I have me getting Beth’s autograph this time on film, so I won’t go over that. Though I will say I don’t get why she was so surprised that I actually watched “Nobody.” I mean come on now, I’ve seen pretty much everything she’s ever done lol. Besides, hi, your biggest fan is a lesbian and you make out with a chick in it… come on now xD.

Anyway, Aldis asked who I was since I was hanging out with Rikki all weekend and talking to Beth so I told him and that was yay. He signed my shirt too ^_^

Chris was late… I think he was practicing? I can’t remember. So he didn’t get to sign my shirt. I forgot to bring it to Dantes too, which sucks cause I could have gotten it then.

Anyway! PHOTO OPS! Me and Rikki were at the very very VERY end of that damn line lol. Once again, us and lines don’t mix. We’d rather wander around and get there at the last minute lol. But he did sit there for awhile just because no one knew how the photo ops were even gonna be done until the last minute and we didn’t want to miss anything. Anyway, Rikki gets a phone call for me and her to come see Jose upstairs. He took us aside, and I had to deal with an issue, but it got taken care of. But because we got pulled out of line he told us we could stay with the handicapped people to get our photo ops, which I was glad for because honestly, the way they had people going up and down a million flights of fucking stairs was kind of ridiculous. I hope next year it’s a bit more organized.

Did my group shot first and Chris hugged me and was like “Did you meet Beth?” and I said yes, gave her a hug, he asked the same of Tim and I said yes again lol… um, so yeah, took that picture. Gina was next – I was first in line with her and she kept saying my name and omg I love the way she says my name hahaha. That sounds so lame, but I do. I can barely speak when I’m around her, it’s really ridiculous. I’m like “mehhh pretty woman, brain dribbles out ears…” haha. Um… then it was Beth I believe, yes? I can’t really remember. Yes! I think. Anyway, we talked for a minute about something while she was petting my hair (lol) then she apologized after she realized she was doing it (thankfully I didn’t tell her that I didn’t mind her petting me or something equally as retarded lol). Um, yeah, we took the picture. She was like Ahh! Damnit, you did the sexy thing and I smiled! Which actually happened when we were taking pictures at the banquet… did I say that? I forget, this is ungodly long lol. I’m trying to remember everything and its fucking hard xD

Um, I know Tim was next. He smiled, said hi, the damn lady kept PUSHING me into the actors though, it was annoying.

Afterwards Beth was by the elevators and I asked her if she had read my letter and she said she did. She told me it wasn’t retarded (cause you know me, that’s how I gotta word shit lol) and that it meant a lot to her. She said she wanted to write back to me so I told her she could get my email from Dean or Chris and she said she would. But she was kinda talking about it and I had to stop her because I was so NOT gonna cry in front of all those people, and she was getting a little emotional as well and that’s just really awkward to do in front of an audience.

Oh! I forgot to say that Dean was gonna set it up so me and Rikki could take a private tour of the set on Monday since I wasn’t leaving until Tuesday. So Beth hugged me said she’d see me Monday and that was yay.

Uh… then I did a picture with Aldis which I wish I had because we both threw up the peace sign LOL

Then there was Chris, yay ^_^ I’m standing there waiting and he smirks and goes, “You’re first, huh?” xD Yup yup. I asked him if I could still get into the concert for free cause someone else wanted my ticket and he said sure, just to talk to Eric. However Eric told me no cause of the fire code and… what have you. Sooo… then I bought absolutely every damn Kane merchandise that was on that table lol. Which, btw, fit fucking fantastically. Those damn shirts makes my boobs look AWESOME xD

Then the boys had their panel which was great, I videoed some of that but not as much as I would have liked to cause my damn batteries died. Meh. But a lot more people videoed that than the girls panel so theres more vids of that up on YouTube.

Right so… closing ceremonies! That’s all on video so no need to reiterate that. Afterwards I went to find Dean since he was leaving for LA in the morning and I needed a proper goodbye. However I find out that they aren’t gonna be on the sound stage on Monday – they were gonna be on location – so Beth ended up coming out and saying bye to me instead.

We talked for awhile, fuck if I remember everything about though however I know I said something about not being able to find Undressed too and she looked confused for a minute before she’s like ”Oh god, don’t find that” lol. And yes, yes I will xD I remember her saying she thought it was amazing how the hell I ended up finding all the shit of hers that I have and I told her I had help from Naddy, my co-mod. Told her that she was the one who got me The Summer of My Deflowering, among others. Which then made Beth groan a little and be all like “I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.” Which, honestly, I don’t see how she feels that way. It was an artistic film, the way they shot it was really interesting, and it wasn’t like her nudity was untasteful in any way. It’s actually one of my favorite performances of hers; the girl she played was so naive and so cute! Anyway, so my mouth filter broke a bit when I told her I didn’t screencap any of the… and I pause and go “er, naughty bits.” LOL. She said she appreciated it haha. Um, I can’t remember what else we talked about. I know we mentioned her role on HIMYM, which I didn’t remember to tell her that that’s how I got into that show in the first place – because I saw her episode on there. Anyway, by the end she hugged me, told me she’s sure she’d see me soon and that she’d email me, so yay :)

( And she did, btw, email me *prance* )

Afterwards me and Rikki did get to chill with Dean for a little bit, and because he’s Dean and knows how to knock down my walls he did manage to make me let out a little bit of emotion. I’m a defensive fucker though, honestly. I will fight everyone till the end before I do break down. But it’s good for me, I know that. Haha he made me write down “I was happy, I had fun” and sign it and keep it in my purse LOL. Oh, therapy xD

Then it was off to Dantes! Man that place was fucking PACKED and hot as hell. Me, Rikki, and Kimber kinda stayed towards the back. Tim bought me and Rikki drinks, which was cool of him. Afterwards me and Rikki went back stage and I gave Chris a hug, told him he fuckin’ rocked it like always. Man, the strippers they got in that joint afterwards are HOT! Lol. I’m awful when it comes to women though, really. Unless I’m drunk and half naked already, or really I guess when I’m “Parker” (my stripper persona). Ironically Parker does better with women then I do xD

Uh, anyway yeah obviously you can tell I’m skating over a whole bunch by now because this is now 6000+ words and I so just wanna be done with it all lol. I went over Rikki’s that night and chilled at her house all through Monday (and slept hardcore, finally). Then I left and went home on Tuesday morning.

Weeee! Okay, the end. Seriously. I need to go… do something else now. Jesus this took forever to write.

But seriously… best weekend ever. I’m just saying :p

Storyteller

2010-02-15T06:40:00.001-08:00

I used to live my life like it was one great story.

I did everything I did just to be able to say that I did it. I’ve done more, seen more, than anyone my age should ever do or see. Which, honestly, in the long run it still doesn’t help because I’m still naïve as all fuck in some areas; some of them important areas. I still have this picture of the world in my head; all drawn out and colored in with multicolored crayons with a fucking smiley face in the sun. And this world isn’t real; it isn’t something anyone sees but me.

I thought I was on top of that fuckin’ world, honestly. For a long ass time. Look at me; all giddy and happy in the sun, looking down at all of you.

I was sexually free and partying, having fun, but keeping time to do all my geeky little things that I did. I had friends, I had lovers, I had a woman who was more to me than just a lover… but whatever. That’s past. Point? Nothing could bring me down. I was fuckin’ untouchable.

… Until I got bitch slapped in the face by reality.

The sad part? I’d go back there in a heartbeat; even knowing what I know now. Even knowing how it all turns out, how it all goes to shit, how I got taken over by a drug I thought had no control over me because my best friend managed for so much longer.

She might just be stronger than I am though.

I’m sorry, but I was happy. I was more in control of my life than I am right now. Right now I’m the equivalent of nothing, and that’s not a dig at myself. That’s the cold hard truth. I was more in control of my life even when I was strung out living in the Budget Suites and the highlight of my week was my Tuesday ritual of getting high out of my fucking mind and watching Leverage. Not that I wasn’t getting high any other day… or night, or morning. But it was special; Tuesday. Leverage night. High and screaming at my TV about how Nate’s being a jackass and how Parker should have more screen time.

It’s sad, but I watch that video of me… the one where I’m watching the season one finale. Cussing at Nate and what have you. I watch it and all I can remember is how everytime I commercial was on I was scraping the bowl for any kind of release. I was practically out that day. I remember it. But god, can you get a lot from a pipe you haven’t cleaned in a week.

I miss the taste of it. I miss the smell. I miss the feeling. I miss getting high because you know what? My addiction made me go to work so I could afford to get more. It was a shitty incentive, yes, but it was still a fucking incentive.

Almost a year clean. I’ve been in Atlanta now for almost a year. You know what I have to show for it?

Nothing besides a whole lot of fanfic. And fanfic gets me a big fat nowhere in life; in the long run. I used to live my life like a story… now I tell it through other characters because I have nothing left.

I can’t handle my own life. This is supposed to be it, yeah? The big fucking finish. I’m clean and the world has opened up to me; so many fucking possibilities. Well you know what? Go to hell.

Most days I want to slit my wrists then go for my throat. Fucking finger paint in my own blood.

I’m cracking worse than I was when I was strung out. At least then I had a reason to be fucked up. Now? I have no excuse; no reason. Scratch the dope covered surface and what do you find? A shell. Nothing. Nobody. I wasn’t a fuck up because of the drugs; I’m a fuck up as it is. Hell, the drugs helped me be less of a fuck up.

Storyteller. Storytelling.

I can’t make this stop. I was lying in bed and I thought to myself, “I can’t wait until this is all over. Until I can tell stories about it. How I was fucked up for three years only to get clean and realize I was nothing without the drugs.” And you know what? Like the idiot that I am I still have the fantasy that some brave white knight is gonna ride in and save me from myself. We can all make note that this said knight is a woman, no matter what my wavering sexuality has been indicating these last couple months. I think I’m just out of things to do, so why not try men? That’s… new. Ha.

I don’t leave my house. Hell, I barely leave my couch. I wake up and sit on my computer and I stay there until I fall asleep.

I keep telling myself day after day that I’m going to go to work tomorrow… or no wait, maybe the next day… until I’m out of money and crying to the only people who will listen and bail my ass out again. It makes me feel worthless; horrible. I feel like I’m just this waste of space and air that people cling to in the small hope that I’m worth something more than that. I love how everyone can see the other side but me.

I should be looking forward to the Leverage convention, but I’m terrified of it. I’m a mess, you all know it. Rather not have you all actually see it.

I’ve thought of going back to Massachusetts, getting all that nice free health insurance and then checking myself into a mental hospital for the long haul. At least I won’t have to try to act sane then. I can claw at myself until I bleed, scream until they restrain me, finally succumb to all the madness in my head.

Fuck. I just want to be free.

I need an escape, any fucking escape. Just point me to the door, honey. I need to breathe, I need to run, I need to scream, I need to do some violence and then fuckin’ vomit. I don’t care anymore. I just feel so trapped. And the fucked up thing is that I’m trapping myself.

I’m not an idiot, I can see it. I can feel it. But it doesn’t make it better. My head likes to torture me every single fucking day.

This is why I tell stories. I’m no longer a part of one, so why not relive them. Pain, agony, heartbreak, remorse, slavery. Look at my stories. Each and every one. Somewhere in each of them is a part of me. Its so funny how my beta actually picks them out, and it’s even funnier that most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it when it’s something little.

Big stuff though... yeah, I know. Parker. Faith. Their pasts? Hi, welcome to little bits and pieces of my life. I’m just lucky that both of the characters are so screwed up that it’s believable to be theirs too.

My head hurts. My stomach hurts. It’s almost 10am and I should be sleeping because I need to work tonight. I NEED TO. Will I get there? Probably not. Same shit, different fucking week.

You know what hell is? Hell is when you relive the same day over and over. When you do the same shit over and over and expect different results.

Fuck hell. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

Obsessions

2010-01-20T18:22:00.001-08:00

Ever since I was fourteen years old, I had obsessions. That, of course, was the time I hit major puberty and along with it came my bite-you-in-the-ass bipolar disorder. I think it frightened my mother at first, but looking back on it? I don’t blame her. I was like a loose cannon, a hormonal fucking disaster. I had an unsettling mental disorder that fucked with my moods, made me attach myself to imaginary things, and to top it all off? Year I came out of the closet. How’s that for fucked up.

Christina Aguilera. She was like my God.

Yeah, see? Creepy already. I didn’t know how to handle it. My first obsession was put forth with way too much dedication that bordered on worship. I had a shrine to this woman. A fucking shrine. I didn’t call it that, of course, but really, looking back? Yeah. Two out of the four walls in my bedroom covered in tiny, and I mean tiny here people, pictures of her. And if you touched it… yeah, okay, just don’t fucking touch my wall, basically.

One of my friends drew on it once. That didn’t end well.

My whole entire existence was about this woman. And it had to be. I was fucked up in the head, failing school, doing drugs, drinking, fighting with my friends, and being grounded for most of my young adult existence. I remember I used to write fan letters to her. I never sent them. In fact, I still have them. Somewhere. My diary? God, I can’t even read that without freaking myself out. I fucking worshiped this woman like she walked on fucking water. I spent all my time listening to her music and making VHS tapes of everything Christina has ever appeared in. I had to leave those back at the motel though, along with a lot of my other memories. I haven’t watched it in probably eight years, but I still kept it. Kept all my fandom stuff. Even though she wasn’t a fandom, she was a person. Hence the creepy factor.

My probation officer ordered for me to take down my little shrine. To punish me for having a dirty drug test. My mom ripped them down, I fucking broke, and… well okay that story doesn’t end happy.

Christina turned into Shakira about after a year. That was short lived. Because suddenly I had discovered Xena, and that totally and completely fucking devoured me. Xena turned into another unhealthy obsession with Hudson Leick. My new little goddess, or whatever. That’s when my obsessions with people stopped, with her. My mom sent me to one of her yoga classes, to a Xena convention, and she was incredibly kind to me and helped this poor little lost girl in front of her. That’s when it clicked in my head that actors, singers, whoever, are people. The creepy worship of people stopped completely. And thank fucking god for that. Thank god for her. Really, I could go on about Hudson, but I have before so I won’t. But she has helped me so much over the years, even still now, through our sporadic contact on Facebook.

Which, for the record, isn’t a fan thing. So unless she knows who you are she’s not gonna add you, just so everyone doesn’t bombard her with friend requests. If you actually know who she is.

Xena turned into Buffy. I was all kinds of about Buffy and Faith, and I was about 17 when that little obsession started. I had a fangirl thing for Eliza, but it wasn’t anything bordering on creepy this time. I did some roleplaying over on GreatestJournal (anyone remember that site? That was the bomb for years…) and my fandom obsession turned into a roleplaying one. Mostly Buffy, but I would do Celeb too. I played Eliza Dushku for probably a good six months. Maybe longer, I don’t know. And it was fun, it was. To pretend to be someone else. But it got weird after awhile, and I dropped role playing all together a couple years ago. I started writing instead. And never about real people. Now I find the entire thing wicked creepy. It’s a steady process, obviously.

Then I went a long ass stretch of time with no obsessions. It made it feel empty, I got depressed, and that’s when I started doing meth. Then I got the obsession with YouTube. That gave me happiness for a really long time, and I’m so sad I can’t find the joy in it like I used to. That was… that was a great time in my life. The sapphiire channel.

Then Harry Potter blindsided me. I always loved the books, but never got into the fandom much until I went on hexrpg.com. I spent a good year of my life playing that. Being so heavily involved in it. Everyone knew who I was in the Slytherin Common Room (yeah, laugh, but it was cool) and my attachment moved to Bellatrix Lestrange. I felt better, happier. Still doing drugs, but it wasn’t as often.

And then the obsession faded. And faded. And I was left with nothing, again, for another six months. I slipped deeper into drugs.

Then there was Leverage, and fuck, I ain’t gonna lie guys. Leverage saved me. The problem is, being the way I am mentally, I cannot function without an obsession. I just can’t. It might not be healthy, but I’m far worse without them. And it’s gotten to the point where I’ve kept it pretty level. Yes, I do go way the fuck overboard online. Icons, fanfic, fanvids, okay I have a fucking YouTube channel and a website for Beth. But I don’t get the little psycho thoughts I did when I was fourteen. It’s not my life. And while I know I need it, and I do center my days around it sometimes, I’m not going to off myself if things don’t go my way. It’s there, I fucking love it, and I immerse myself in it because frankly my real life kind of blows.

The thing about Leverage though was that it wasn’t normal. I usually get attached to just one character. And yeah, hi, Parker. We all know. But I usually couldn’t give two craps less about anyone else. This fandom… I’ve written fic about everyone. All different parings. Fanvids for so many pairings too. It’s centered mainly around Parker, yes, but I’ve welcomed the fandom as a whole into my life. That’s never happened before. Which is why I’m praying this is different.

Because you see, the problem is, I can’t have two obsessions at once. I cannot split myself up like that. My brain just isn’t capable of it. I’m not normal, and I know it’s weird, but it’s the truth. And right now? Leverage is on in less than and hour, and I’m not squeezing obnoxiously. I’m gonna watch it, yeah, and maybe it’ll give me the kick I need to squee again, but we’ll find out, won’t we?

My head, right now, is completely up Buffy and Faith’s ass again. And it isn’t like this hasn’t happened before. I have gone back to Xena. Actually a couple times now. Went back to Harry Potter for a brief stint. But they were all brief, and usually, once this happens, I trade one for another, and so suddenly the one I traded is gone and I’m left with nothing.

This is the timeline. I focus on one thing for about a year. One year. Well, times up…

And it freaks me out. Mainly because I am way too involved in this fandom to just slip away because my head won’t allow me to obsess anymore. I’m too known, I do too many things, and yeah, kinda have a lot of responsibilities, as lame as that is.

You know how long it’s been since I watched an episode of Xena? Over a year. I love it to bits and back again, but I don’t ever watch it anymore. I don’t participate in the fandom, when once it was my whole life. Buffy? It has been four years since I’ve watched these DVDs… until today. Well okay, yesterday.

Angel’s a different story. But that was never an obsession, merely a mild attachment. Like Dollhouse is, like Skins is. It’s there, but it’s not predominant. Therefore it doesn’t clash.

I cannot do two fandoms at once. I just have never been able to, and I don’t want Leverage to go away. But I’ve tried holding on before, and it never works.

And yes, it is possible I am over reacting. That Leverage is different just cause of how I’ve been with the fandom anyway. And maybe this Buffy/Faith thing is just a brief stint and I’ll go back to it. I don’t know. I just know what’s happened before. And I can feel Leverage start to fade. I don’t care about Parker/Sophie anymore and god I was up their ass for awhile, huh? Don’t do icons anymore; graphics. Still do the fic thing, but not as of the last couple weeks. I finished the one fic I had started, just cause I needed to finish it, but my heart wasn’t in it. But I’m still gung-ho about the fanvids, and that’s good I guess.

I am completely aware of how unhealthy most people make this shit out to be, but I’m proud of the way I’ve learned to deal with them. I don’t have the creepy stalker scary thing going on, so I consider that a plus. So hey. And if it keeps me from offing myself? Then why is that bad? Maybe it’s bad that sometimes I honestly do not kill myself just because I want to see the next episode. I’m not joking. That’s happened. But it’s a reason to live, no matter how fucked off that is.

But if this goes down like all my others, come a month I’ll be left with nothing, and that won’t be good. I’ll watch Leverage, I’ll enjoy it, but I won’t be in the fandom. Not like I am now. And it’ll just be… really, really sad. Honestly.

But I guess we’ll see how this plays out, huh? Almost thirty minutes and counting…

whatever

2010-01-06T21:41:00.001-08:00

Jesus Christ.

Life. Sigh.

So I just threw a fit like a bloody five year old and took down everything that had to do with Leverage to make a fucking point. I know that’s probably really bratty, but I’m sorry; my feelings were hurt… are hurt. And I think that I was able to last this damn long before I exploded should be an accomplishment in and of it’s self. I mean hell; it’s been months and months of all this repetitive crap. So yeah, pat on the fucking back to me for not blowing up everything sooner.

I can’t talk about this in here like I did on my LJ or my Facebook. Those two are locked to the public, and frankly? So not looking to get sued for slander, here. Or, fuck, whatever. Besides even all of that though, part of me still really cares about this person (though, why? Yeah, I don’t know), and I can’t… fuck, I can’t do the same shit that everyone else did at the beginning. Hurt their feelings like that shit did then. Especially that crap coming from me? That’s… that’s really fucking cruel. Honestly. I was the thing that made all of that not suck as bad. I made the depression go away. Apparently, anyway.

So I can’t be the cause of it. As much as I wish that they would pay attention for two freaking seconds and fix what is so easily repairable if only they bothered… I won’t ever say anything. I can’t. But hey, that’s me putting everybody first. AGAIN.

And it’s not like I didn’t try… but I pussied out. Hardcore. Ugh.

Maybe part of me wishes someone else would do it. Just get their attention and be like “hey, shit just went South; fix?” but I doubt anyone will. Though to be honest I don’t know… fuck, I don’t know if it’ll really all fix. I mean yeah, simple shit, I’ll forgive it all temporarily. But then there’s the nagging in the back of my mind that it was only fixed so they could get what they wanted to come back. That it was meaningless. That I’m being used, or something. But fuck, it’d still be nice to hear, regardless of the intentions.

I just… fuck, I work my ass off. It’s not something that really should be taken for granted because of just the massiveness of it all. And especially not when it’s so known. That I’m so known, or whatever. If I was anonymous, if no one knew, then I wouldn’t expect anything. Maybe that’s my problem. Or the problem. Or something. I’m known, so it’s like yeah, how hard is it to, I don’t know, not fucking blatantly ignore me? It’s been a year this month. A bloody year. Two words is not hard to say…

What’s even worse than that is the fact that I know they say nice things about me to everyone else. So why the hell do I so very clearly not matter when I’m actually around? Is it all just some kind of front? Cause I don’t play like that.

It really all just comes down to the fact that I’m a fucking person. I have a life, feelings, whatever. And frankly? You are not as cool as you think you are, and obviously not as cool as I thought you were if this is how shit’s gonna play out. So right now? This is how it looks when I’m not around. Part of me hopes you give a shit, but I won’t bet money on it.

Though, outside of that whole thing, of course more shit had to be piled on top of it.

Fans. Fans that are just so blatantly fucking mean to me because of, hell, I don’t know. Everyone says jealousy, but I don’t know. It’s really not like my life is anything to envy, here. Really, people. And the fact that people feel the need to tear me down and be cruel really upsets me. I do so fucking much for this fandom. You think I got noticed because I sat on my ass and did nothing? No. I work my ass off to promote the show in any way that I can. To make things that are enjoyable for other fans. So you know what? Yeah, I think I deserve the little bit of attention I get. And maybe, if you weren’t such a lazy complaining asshole, and actually did shit to get you noticed, than you would be too. Nothing is free, idiot. You work to get the things you want.

Oh, and by the way, trying to ruin a great memory for me by saying I’m a liar? Fuck off. That’s just ridiculous, mainly because I have a truth problem. Me lying is kind of fucking laughable if you even knew me.

So this is me being a brat and showing the fandom what it’s like when I’m not around. If I had the effort I’d make all my fic entries in my LJ private to prove my point further, but I figured it’d just be pointless since I can’t find a way to get rid of all my sit on FF.net and still be able to bring it back later when everything has cooled off some.

But moving on from fandom drama…

I watched some girl have sex for the first time for money. Well, not watched, but I was there. I had her guys friend. And god, it’s difficult to watch. Just cause it’s always so confusing at first, and this girl afterwards was like “he was really sweet to me…” blah blah. I was like “NO! He PAYED you to have sex with him. He is nothing but a trick! God, don’t ever personalize it.”

Oh, and she let him kiss her. Negative. You never, ever kiss. That’s too intimate. Sigh. When guys try to kiss me I usually tell them it’s flu season. Because oddly enough I only have to do this crap in the winter…

Oh and the girl I’ve been fucking, well, the girl I’ve been fucking with her boyfriend… totally freaked out on me yesterday for leaving with that customer. She got all possessive. I was like wtf? And then she told me I was only the second person she’s ever slept with. It’s hard for her to just… I don’t know, not care.

So yeah, we’re not gonna fuck anymore.

And I should be writing my article on “Leverage” but instead I’ve been watching HIMYM all damn day. Oh well, it just needs to be up by Friday morning. Guess I’ll do it when I wake up. I always wait to do this shit to the last minute lol. But right now I just wanna forget about “Leverage” for a minute.

Lord. Just. Life. God.

End of the year survey

2009-12-25T09:08:00.000-08:00

Post the first line or first couple lines of the first post of the month for all twelve months.

January: So, excuse me while I become uberly obsessed with Leverage since like... it's series premiere. (hahaha, GO FUCKING FIGURE)
February: "Ma'am, can you please step out of the vehicle?" Fuck. I'm getting arrested. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK. Hands behind my back. Cuffs on my wrists. In the cop car. My nose itches, of fucking course. (ahaha. getting arrested sucked...)
March: I think its funny how this time I asked for help and no one came. (emo rant. I'll probably have a lot of those)
April: My house got broken into. Everything stolen. I moved To Atlanta to live with my family and had to pack up the last four years of my life into three bags and leave everything else behind. (fun FUCKING times...)
May: I know I don't write in here very often. Mostly because nothing significant has been going on in my life. I could have wrote about how I got drugged that one night, but that wouldn't have been entertaining to ya'll cause well, I can't remember that whole night. No memory equals no blog. (that one was about going into the mental hospital...)
June: When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. (rant about being a "fan")
July: When I went to the store yesterday before work to go get cigarettes I saw Nicole drive by. She honked. We haven’t spoken since we yelled at each other in the car when she dropped me off on Wednesday. She knows I didn’t go to the interview though, seeing me on a curb at quarter past six was a dead give away since the interview was fifteen minutes prior to that. I feel bad about pissing her off, but this is my life. (becoming a stripper again...)
August: God. I just can’t do this anymore. Any of it. All of it. I can’t take care of myself, and it just rips me apart inside. (my year obviously wasn't a happy one)
September: The decision to go to Dragon*Con was seriously made in about five seconds after I saw this: @JulieBenz Flying to atlanta for dragon con... Come by and say "hi"! (okay, that was a happy entry lol)
October: My mac died. Well, okay, not died exactly, but the screen part broke, and they were gonna charge me like $500 instead. So I did the only thing I could do… I bought a PC for the same damn amount of money. Fucking Apple likes to rob people, I’m sure that’s like the #1 thing they teach their employees. (and I *still* haven't gotten it fixed... sigh)
November: I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. (yeah, that wasn't happy either.)
December: I don’t know if I’m more high or drunk right now. All I know is that I’m very hyper aware of what’s going on. You have no idea how bad that it is for me. Especially sexually. (sexual freakout)

So. Yeah. That sums up the shittiness of my year pretty well =/

last day of "sugarloaf"

2009-12-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

Aw, guys, I’m so sad that “Sugarloaf” is over. That went by way too quickly.

It’s so weird, finally when I feel completely comfortable and I fit in and I’m having so much fun… it’s just over. Man, but it’s like… addicting, being on set. God, that’s what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be in that business. It’s just so fucking fascinating, I really mean that. And it’s odd for me to go to work and just… fuck, love it like that. I’ve never had a job I went to that I loved. That even though I’m functioning on barely any sleep, jacked up on Redbull for twelve hours, I’m still happy.

You know, my friend told me this would change my life. I’m starting to think he’s right. God, I am so pumped now for the movie in April. Move the fuck over Shreveport, Mary’s coming through. LOL. Okay that was lame, but hey. I’m giddy at the moment.

So yeah, today I could get to set and back on my own and I that was a huge relief because I hate relying on other people. I was actually supposed to work yesterday, Paul, the producer, emailed me last night and was like “Where were you?!” and that was all Patrick, the casting director’s, fault cause he told me I was off. So yeah. I had Paul texting me last night to make sure I was coming in today, and Pete too… who I believe was one of the ADs. I think.

So yeah. Five hours of sleep, get on Marta and get my ass to downtown Atlanta. We all met in the Hilton, which was where we had lunch, but we were filming in a bar down the street. There was 75 extras today for one four page scene. We were all cramped in a little room which I think was the “VIP section”. Anyway, this day was completely the best day ever cause we were working the entire day. It’s so much better when you are, cause downtime makes me wanna take a flippin’ nap.

So yeah, Pete came over and was intensely nice to me today, I’m not sure why. I mean he knew who I was the other days, but we never really talked. He was all “Hey, how are you? Got your text last night. How’s [so and so – edited for, well, just because I am], haven’t seen him in forever… yada yada.” Maybe he finally put my face to my name, I’m not sure. But yeah, he was much more pleasant today. He was kind of a screaming-oriented man during the hospital scenes LOL. But that's his job.

Uh… right. So I’m at the bar. Pete gives me HELLA stage directions. Talk to one guy for a minute, then go over to the other side of the bar and say hi to someone, then come back, a couple comes up and we talk a bit, then me and the first guy cross behind the actors and go all the way back around again back to our original spot. So the first time we did this take, when I go over the guy I was supposed to just say hi to on the other end of the bar, somehow it turned into drunk flirty sluttiness. It was so great, really it was. Both of us got really into it, and apparently we were amusing the other extras. Someone complimented me on my acting (which hi, I never even knew I could, at least not well enough to get complimented on it) and then another guy came up to me and was like “GIRL, I LOVE YOU! You are being such a little slut over there and it is freaking FABULOUS.” You can guess his sexual orientation lol. He was sweet xD

So yeah, eventually it turned into the first guy being my boyfriend, and I leave him to go drunk flirt with that other guy, then when I come back we have a little couples fight and I storm off and he follows, which is how we crossed behind the actors. I have to say, it’s so much better when you actually have some kind of story, even though I’m sure you’ll only see me in the scene very briefly in the background.

Uh, somewhere in the middle of all that I get to say hi and talk with Paul for a little bit. He seems to really like me, which is good, cause my friend told me that I like, for serious need to get his approval. It’s kind of vital for me to be hired on for other projects.

Went out for a cigarette break at one point, and one of the actors, Carlos Gómez, came out and had one with me. Just bullshit talked for a bit, then I was like “You were on Charmed, right?” and we joked a bit about how he’s gonna go all demon again and kill off everyone. I don’t know, LOL. It was amusing for a bit. But see? That’s what I meant before about the actors and having an entirely different air when you’re on set. Everyone is just people. It’s really nice.

So yeah. Um, near the end of the day the bartender apparently decides I’m the hottest fucking thing since sliced bread. While in the middle of a scene he came up to me and started whispering. Which, first of all, we are not supposed to whisper. We’re supposed to fake talk. So you know what the first thing he says to me is? “You look kinky, have you ever been a dominatrix?” And I thought he was shitting me, just trying to fuck with me, so I let it go. Then for like three scenes after that he kept coming up to me, while we’re FUCKING filming, and whispering about how he wants to have hot kinky dom/sub sex with me. I told him I’m a lesbian, but this mother fucker just couldn’t take a hint.

Okay, I don’t like to be the tattle tale. But everyone could see how much it was bothering me, so they told me to go tell someone. So I get Paul and explain the situation, and he got kinda pissed. He was like “That’s so wrong, so inappropriate, I’m sorry.” So I run away while apparently he went the fuck off on this dude in front of everyone and fired him. I came back and so many people ran up to me and was like “Oh my god, what happened? What was he saying to you? I’m so glad you told someone,” and all that.

I feel kind of bad for getting him fired, but we were there to work. This isn’t a fucking date line, mother fucker. And I sure as hell ain’t gonna go on one with you.

But yeah, fun day. Tried to find Pete and Paul before I left, but the guy I got fired was still there, glaring at me like nobody’s freaking business, so I high tailed it out of there to get away from him. Texted them both my thanks though.

Sigh. Back to hideous stripping work for the next couple months… then the real fun begins.

ignore this, I'm just saving it

2009-12-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry, you can ignore this. I'm taking everyone off one of my old MySpace pages to use for something else, and I came across this. I thought I lost everything that had to do with this retreat.

Hudson: Theres millions of jobs in the world. Your identity is tied up with stripping.

Me: I havent been doing it that long though.

Hudson: ....Its Sunday, you have more makeup on than Tammy Faye Bakker, and your wearing like a bikini top. And its COLD outside.

***

Me: I dont believe it.

Hudson: I know you dont, thats why you continue to take all the actions you take. You dont feel you are, but thats a lie. [pause] Do you believe in God? [I shake my head no] Okay.

Me: I believe in something more than us but--

Hudson: Thats fine.You dont like the word and thats fine. So whatever put us here, cause nobody knows, we act like we know but we dont know what the fuck we're doing even the language we're speaking is all made up. Its all made up by somebody else. And it cant even touch as much as my emotions do. This limited speach, that I'm trying to communicate with you. And you still cant understand everything I'm saying, even with the same language. Whatever brough us here, the unknowing, but whatever brought us here, and beauty of whatever we're in, this soup that we're in. This procreation that makes sharks and snakes and aligators... and clouds and the world. Whatever it is, I dont know what it is, but I know we're part of it. Your a part of it too. You are no more and no less than the sun, or stardust, or a flower, or a shark, or me. You are equal to all of that, because you are apart of it. So whatever made us didnt make us seperate and different. Its only us, human beings with a mind. Have you ever seen a really unhappy bird? A bird that judges itself? A bird that looks at itself and goes "wow my feathers are really a mess today"? No, birds dont do that. Animals dont do that. Humans do that. Now if you see a cat or dog that seem neurotic, its not that cat or dogs fault. It lives with humans. Its what we project upon it.

***

Me: I dont know anything. I just want to and I pretend I do.

Hudson: Right. Thats probably the truest statement I've heard you say so far. So my guess is that you are ready. If not now, when?

Me: I'm scared.

Hudson: So change that. Look at me. [I do] Change it. Change it. Buy something called The Secret. Buy the video The Secret. You can look it up online, you can get it through google. THE SECRET. I want your word that your going to get it.

***

Hudson: How do you FEEL?

Me: [thinks about it for a little bit] ... Calmer.

Hudson: Good.... Good. [pause] You know its funny when I see you sometimes, and I probably shouldnt tell you this, but when I see you, I wish you were my own child, and I could have raised you from when you were a little girl.

<3 her. Ninteen year old confused me... this was shit from a tarot reading she did with me. I tape recorded it so I could remember what she said, cause she's very insightful. I did at one point have the whole thing, but that's lost now.

Oh, more stuff I want to save for reasons you don't need to know. Maybe I don't even know.

I cut myself at least once every two weeks at that fifteen. I cried almost every day. I'd look at myself in the mirror and try to suck in my stomach and get rid of my love handles to see what I would look like if I was skinny. I hated every part of myself, because I felt like nothing.

Most of my friends always had boyfriends. I didn't. Granted, I was gay (or at least came out by that age), but I didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't go on dates. I didn't do anything. All my friends were skinnier than me, prettier than me. ANd I hated it. I hated when my friends asked me what size pants I wore and I had to answer 9. I would kill to be a 9 again lmao. But they were all sizes 3-5-7 and I felt huge.

I tell people I like stripping and modeling now because for the first time in my life I'm pretty. Where in reality, I was always pretty. I just never knew it.

But to be truthful, it wasnt high school that effected my self esteem the worst, it was Jr. High. Because thats when my FRIENDS were cruel to me. In high school it was the usual bullshit, but in Jr. High I was fucked up by how my friends treated me. I did think I had gotten prettier in high school then when I was in Jr. High, but I still felt ugly. Heres me in Jr. High, when I was being treated like dirt by my friends:

Thirteen years old. WHen I first started cutting myself. My friends would make fun of me cause I dressed in dark clothes, when they all dressed like preps. When we walked to school I had to walk on the street because "dogs couldnt walk on the sidewalk", they wouldnt take pictures of me because my "rolls would show".

Yeah, for real. I was a size 6 then too.

And I put up with it because I wanted to have friends. I didn't want to be alone. I probably would have been better off alone.

And people wonder why I have jacked up self esteem. I block alot of shit out about my teenage years. You know, I FORGOT how shitty I was treated in middle school until I found my diary when I was like, shit, maybe 19? I went OFF on my best friend. Hard fucking core went OFF. God... It was like 5 years too late, but whatever.

Sugarloaf, Leverage Drama

2009-12-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

The last two days I have been working on the pilot for the A&E show Sugarloaf.

Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the name either. I didn’t ask. I’m sure it’ll make sense though, haha. I just know barely anything about the show. It’s a cop show… I think. Well, the main guy is a cop, who I guess moved from Chicago to Miami. And yeah, that is where my knowledge of the show ends, seeing as that’s all there is on IMDB. Though from what I can gather he’s got a thing for the female lead. But hey, no shock there. Haha. Especially no shock seeing as she doesn’t seem all that interested.

The main guy… I swear I’ve seen him in something before but I can’t think of it, even scanning IMBD. The female lead apparently was on “Lost” for a couple of episodes, but I don’t watch that show. Really petite little thing. Very pretty. And there’s a guy that plays a doctor (I think?) who I recognized from “Charmed” like from wayyy back in the day. He was the demon cop that killed Andy in I think the… er… first season finale? Second? Something.

It’s kind of nice to be around actors who aren’t all… I don’t know. You know like during conventions they’re all “special” and shit? They always have that air about them that makes them seem way cooler or something. Ha. I know that sounds weird, but I’m being serious. Like the actors are afraid to go up to “normal” people, or mingle in normal public. Which I mean, I still consider myself that, normal public, I mean, hello, so it was nice to not have them, I don’t know, be all snobbish and shit. But yeah, it’s not like that on set. You’re working, they’re working, and honestly you barely even look twice at the people cause you’re doing your own shit. It’s a much calmer environment. I did get to see them act once though, which was cool to watch. I was supposed to be in the scene, but my cue to walk on wasn’t until much later and it turned out they didn’t need me when the scene ended, so I got to stand on the sidelines and watch. So that was fun.

So right. Saturday I wake up at five fucking o’clock in the morning to be on set at six thirty. Cue me dying a little bit. I was nervous like hell, but I guess you always get nervous on the first day of a job. I actually walked right into it today though and felt totally comfortable, so that was good. Usually it takes me awhile to feel alright in a new environment, but I think that mainly had to do with our AWESOME PA, Tarryn. She really was the bomb. So nice. I can’t believe she really remembered all of our names, I don’t think I could ever do that. I’m horrible with names. Faces I can do, but names? Ha. No.

I was used in the first scene they did on Saturday; one in the emergency waiting room. Doubt you can see my face, I was behind a pillar, and while the main actor guy walked in behind me, I don’t think there was a camera set up there. But I just read my little brochure about, hell, what was it? I think it was an elderly home. HAHA. Not joking. Anyway, if the pilot does get picked up, maybe you’ll see my legs. Wooo my legs. ROFL.

I already knew when I came in I most likely wouldn’t be a nurse or a doctor. For one: way too young. For two: my look? Not the most professional. So I was a visitor each day. Kinda annoyed I dyed my hair for this though… clearly I didn’t need to seeing as one girl today came in with red, blonde, and black hair and tattoos all over her. So yeah. Fail. I’m mad at my hair right now.

If I’ve learned one thing though, its that I never, ever want to be an actor. HAHA. Just… hell no. Too repetitive, and being an extra blows with all the downtime. When I work I like to actually work. I can’t sit around all day, it drives me insane. You know how many episodes of Leverage I watched on my laptop during down time? A lot. Tried to write a little bit but I can’t get into it when theres a million other people around. I just can’t focus and get inside my THE (because hell, I steal the bitches) character’s heads.

But when you’re actually there doing something, it’s amazing. You know, you never actually realize how much work is put into one tiny freaking scene. I mean, this shit is crazy. With props and specific directions for the extras and god… haha… what they did outside? It’s supposed to be Florida, so they brought a bunch of palm trees, SPRAY PAINTED THE DEAD GRASS GREEN, planted flowers… I mean shit. They just went off with all of that. It was nuts. Kind of amusing seeing a bunch of green palm trees around one damn dead, pathetic looking tree xD

Uh, yeah, so anyway. The original plan of this little outing was to learn how to be a PA. Unfortunately, they shot more days then they were planning in Florida, so less here, so the producer, Paul, didn’t need me to be a PA anymore and just gave me work as an extra. He also has worked on Leverage, by the way. Which is kind of how I got this job. Kind of. It’s… okay, not complicated, but I just won’t go into it. One day I’m sure you all will realize, but that day will probably be in er… hm. I give it four months. That is if you can put two and two together LOL. Honestly I really don’t talk about a lot of the shit that has to do with Leverage, just cause of … everything. And man, especially not after this week! Leverage fans can be downright mean to me, but I’ll get into that later.

Met someone else that worked on Leverage too. Michael, I believe. I don’t remember what he did for the show, but he’s going back to film season three I guess. It was funny, cause he apparently thought I would be there too, just cause of how I got this job, but no. I have been told explicitly that I am never allowed to work on Leverage. And you know what? I’m really okay with that. Leverage is my fandom; I don’t want it to be work. It’s my fun place. I mean, I’d love to see it be filmed maybe ONCE, but just from a behind the scenes standpoint. But that’s a whole other story.

Plus, if I worked on Leverage, I can’t even begin to imagine how much shit I would get from some of the fans. It really bugs me, honestly. Okay… hell, I’ll go into this now. So yeah, ya’ll remember Dean being all OMG I HAVE SCISSORS AND I WILL CHOP OFF CHRISTIAN KANE’S BEAUTIFUL MANE [INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE]? Well I told Christian that I might have to do another protest video, and he DMed me on Twitter and told me I should do it (and you know, part of me thinks he was in this all along with Dean… sneaky people. I’m so a PAWN for drama, apparently xD) So I did it, and he said thanks to me and then RTed it on HIS Twitter… and while I got a lot of positive feedback, a few “man that bitch is crazy” (which, I’ll take, cause I am)… there was some people that were just downright horrible about it. Someone basically called me a hussy, or a slut, or whatever, another was like “wow that girl has no fucking life” and just… all this crap that, yeah, actually hurt my feelings.

I get jealousy. Trust me, I do. I’m a jealous person, but I keep everything to myself (then again, I’m into self torture, so hmph). And I get HELLA jealous when it comes to Beth. And it sucks cause people like to brag about the time they’ve spent with her to me. Which I mean, yeah, in some ways I want to know just cause I’d like to get a feel for her before I meet her myself. Which, thus far, looks like I’m not gonna get annoyed or pissed off by her, so that’s a plus LOL (and apparently everyone gets the “I like women” vibe from her as well, which hi, I so never needed to know that, really. Don’t encourage me, it’s just mean lol). I get weary of diva like behavior, only cause I’m the type to SAY something about it to their face, and I’m sure that would get me in trouble. But apparently she ain’t like that at all. But yeah, I mean, I GET that. I get jealous as hell and I stomp around and pout (metaphorically) because my five year old brain thinks it’s not fair because I’m like, whatever, her biggest fan or something. Most noticeable one, anyway. But you know what? Life isn’t fucking fair, and that’s why I don’t pitch a bitch fit to people over it. I’m nice, I listen, I’m GLAD for them. And in the end, I just hope I come out with a better story LOL.

Though, to be fair, I have a lot of bragging rights with Beth already and I have yet to even meet her, but it’s all shit I really don’t feel like I should share with… any of you. Sorry. There’s a lot of stuff in this fandom I just don’t ever fucking talk about. Mainly for my own piece of mind.

I just don’t understand why people can be mean to other people about something as stupid as that though. It wasn’t like Christian got down on one knee and asked me to fuckin’ marry him. He RTed my freaking video. And that’s cause to hate my life? Jeez. And me? I’m the type of person to get pissed off, say something, and hell I’ll throw down if you want, but at the end of the day I go home and cry myself to sleep. That’s just who I am. I’m used to hate and people talking shit when I was Sapphire Smoke, got that twenty times a fucking day on the sapphiire channel, but hell, that comes with the territory. My fandom is my safe place, you guys. It was just a slap in the face for that to happen. But moving on from THAT drama and back on topic…

Uh, right. Saturday. I ended up getting horrible stomach cramps halfway through the day, but I didn’t have to work anymore. Just more downtime. Though sitting around with stomach cramps blows monkey nuts. I could barely enjoy my damn lunch (which was fabulous, by the way) cause I was hurting so bad. Anyway, the day ended, Nicole decided that she wasn’t going to pick me up, so when I called my sister she said she would, but when I called back Nicole picked up and told me hell no. So I was like wtf bitch and was really pissed off because Marta, the bus and train thingie… yeah, it doesn’t GO in that area. I had no money for a cab, hell, I have thirteen dollars to my name right now until work on Wednesday. THIRTEEN. I can’t get to work on that either, and will have to beg Nicole for a ride. Lord.

So this woman, Hattie, says she’ll drive me to Five Points and I’ll get the train and then a bus from there. Turns out she’s a actress/director/producer, and is doing a bunch of things in Atlanta and wants to get me on board. She’s got a couple small time TV series she does, and hell, that would be AWESOME. She was really fucking cool, took me home today too. We’re gonna get together after the holidays and I’m gonna teach her how to use Final Cut Pro and Sony Vegas cause she wants to learn how to edit her own stuff.

Anyway, today, call time was 8:45am. Which wasn’t bad, though I didn’t sleep very well. But after the whole hour of GOD I HATE THE WORLD, it was actually nice to be up and doing shit during the day time. Honestly, working a twelve hour day and coming home to just chill for a couple hours before bed? God, I LOVE it. And it’s so screwed up, because right now I have no time to do any fandom stuff, which is what I do with my fucking LIFE. But it’s so damn rewarding to go to a REAL job and just… WORK. You guys have no fucking idea how happy it makes me. I was so damn NICE to my cats when I got home LOL. Usually I walk in the door and they’re attention deprived (the spoiled bastards) and are all over me and I’m like GO THE FUCK AWAY, YOU’RE ANNOYING! Though to be fair, half the time I’m fucking drunk lol.

The only scene I was in today was one that was done outside. Hi, it’s 35 freaking degrees out, and we’re all in tank tops and shorts cause it’s “Florida”. I was paired with two other girls that couldn’t have been more than twenty. Both of them were just there just because, I don’t know, they had nothing better to do that day? They were nice and all, we got along, but when it came time to roll? Okay, that scene took two hours. Lots of different shots to do; normal, wide, close ups, yada yada. We’re running back and forth resetting every ten minutes. After, hell, a half an hour, they’re bitching up a storm. “Oh my god, aren’t we done yet? It’s COLD!” Of course it’s cold, Jesus. But you’re getting paid to fucking stand out here in the cold, so just fucking do it.

And okay, honestly, how hard is it to fake talk? To fake having a conversation? These girls couldn’t do it to save their pretty little necks. And we cross right behind the actors, definitely getting into the shot, and I’m attempting to make this look somewhat realistic by pretending to talk to them and they just… ugh, fail at life. They were so still and nodded weird and it was just GOD. So yeah, that annoyed me. I don’t know, maybe it was cause I was fucking ESTASTIC to be there, to be doing the scene, SOMETHING, and they just couldn’t give a crap less. Why couldn’t I have been paired with any of the many aspiring actors? I mean, really. I don’t want to act, I don’t like to act, but hell, I can do it decently. Stripping is all about acting (well, lying, really LOL), and modeling is all about acting without speaking.

Right. Anyway. So we had a nice, full, twelve hour day. Yay. Though for ten hours I was basically doing nothing, which sucked. I can’t stress that enough. Boredom, me, hello. Also, I’ve realized I need to put Leverage episodes on my freaking phone. LOL

So I mainly watched Tarryn and what she was doing, since that’s gonna be my job come April. And really, though she basically got bossed around and yelled at all damn day… fucking I can do that. I can do that hardcore lol. Yell at me all you want, just give me something to do! lol.

I’m probably gonna be working Tuesday, but I don’t know yet. It’ll be a bar scene, and HOPEFULLY it’ll be in Atlanta, so I can take the damn bus. But yeah, this is a wicked awesome experience, and I am SOOOO grateful to my friend who set me up with this opportunity.

This is wicked long, so I guess I’ll stop now. Comments? Questions? (OMG, DAVID, FLORIDA TRIP! Hahahaha…. Okay to the rest of you, that was an inside joke to my brother LOL. Nvm)

Leverage sex

2009-12-11T14:50:00.001-08:00

Overlapping my sexual writing styles for this last story was weird for me. Mainly because while I have specific set ways on how each pairing has sex with each other, I couldn’t think of a solid one for Parker/Sophie/Eliot. It’s just an odd threesome, you think? One that no one ever really thinks of, and only came about because of Parker/Sophie hints in my last Sophie/Eliot story. Continuation of that. If I knew how hard it would be to logically write them all to that point, I might have said fuck it and never started . HA. I’m serious. Once again, what was supposed to be a short story is now up to being 45 fucking pages long (and still not finished).

To explain though, when I write:

Eliot/Sophie; it’s rough, dominating. Full of masochism and anger mixed with both love and passion. It’s kinky, it’s wild, it’s in every way so very not watered down. Eliot dominates very fiercely, both with words and actions. It’s violent. Sophie can dominate too, but she’s not very good at it. For being so good at manipulating people as a grifter, she can’t seem to manipulate Eliot. Instead, she takes the opposite route; for one who’s always in control, she surrenders all of it to him: the one person she knows she can trust it with because of Eliot’s own control over his violence. She wants to be hurt, but she wants to feel safe at the same time. That’s not to say she doesn’t try to dominate him, but in the end usually succumbs to Eliot’s needs. That said, they can have romantic, soft sex, but it’s rare.

Parker/Sophie; I’ve probably done it all with Parker/Sophie, being the pairing I wrote very heavily and primarily during season one. I’ve done love, I’ve done anger, I’ve done kink. But out of all of the stories I’ve done, the main route I usually take is usually just... hard passion. Parker loves Sophie; in so many way’s she’s like the mother she never had (and yes, I realize how kinky and a bit fucked up that in it’s self seems, but bear with me). That love, when put in a sexual situation, makes Parker get very, very attached (which in turn usually makes her the submissive). Now Sophie, on the other hand… Sophie does care about Parker. She worries about her, watches out for her, but when put in a sexual situation with her, she tends to be blinded by her own selfishness. She wants it all without all the headaches that being with Parker could possibly make for her. So she always suppresses it, makes Parker keep everything a secret, keeps a firm distance from getting too close, and gets frustrated and angry when Parker doesn’t understand why. But there is a part of Sophie that loves her, that’s maybe even in love with her a little bit, and while near the end of my stories that tends to come out, during sex it’s still very much hidden under the layers. Their sex is a little rough usually, dom/sub without the massive kink (you’re just usually very aware of who is in control, even though its never spoken), and not anywhere close to the decibel of Eliot and Sophie’s is.

Parker/Eliot; I’ve only done this once, very briefly, just for the sin “Lust” in my Seven Deadly Sins short stories. Just rough fuck and forget against the wall in the bathroom of an airplane. Very unattached, emotionless. They used each other to get off and that was that, basically. There was no point to talk about it afterwards, in their mind. Get some, get gone. They both seemed to share the control equally, giving and taking like they’d done it a million times. They just fit together in that way.

Now. My problem was that I couldn’t for the life of them see them together. I know that doesn’t many any sense. I was seeing them separately. Seeing what Eliot does to Sophie, what he does to Parker and what Parker does to her. I was having trouble stepping back and viewing the whole picture. Especially because since Eliot and Sophie are so kinky, and here they were, inviting Parker into their sex life for a night, and Parker… Parker to me isn’t extremely kinky, at least to their altitude. She’s rough, can play some games, but just not the kind of person who dominates forcefully though violent physicality and by words, and at the same time, she is so not the person who lays down and takes that either. And of course, because of how uptight I usually make Sophie into having people find out about her sex life (which, of course, in this story Parker already knew, but knowing is very different from seeing), I made her embarrassed. Thankfully I did establish in the last story that Sophie gets turned on by humiliation, so that worked. Yay me.

I had issues establishing roles in the sex; and it actually ends up switching quite a bit. I tried to keep Eliot and Sophie’s kinky sex life in tact but I watered it down a lot, I know that. And I could make the excuse that they did that for Parker, but its just me not knowing how to write it any other way. Everyone switched the role of being the dominator, though Parker’s own domination was more forceful curiosity. I kind of made Parker how I made her in OT3 fics (Parker/Hardison/Eliot), not so much a dominatrix but still knowing she has control. Though, in my last fic she wasn’t as subtle about knowing she had control as she was in my “Who Say’s You Can Only Have One?” series. Sophie’s domination didn’t last of course, but on the flip side, neither did Eliot’s. It just seemed awkward for me, maybe because I know I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It might be hot for all I know.

I really have no idea if it came out alright. Haha. Though I’m still not done with the story, so I won’t know until I finish and post it. I know I’m being really anal over it, and I know people are just gonna read it and just think “YAY! SEX!” and not think about how deep it all goes as it does with me, but still. I like to have a solid, reasonable, logical explanation of the way they all have sex with each other based on their characteristics… and the fact is, that’s such a weird threesome that I honestly could never think of another way this could happen outside of this story.

Kind of like my Livia/Varia fic. If any of you watch Xena, you know that’s a fucked up pairing. But the way I did it, man I loved the way I did it, one of my favorite stories to date and I just wish I could find another way to do it, because now I love that pairing. But I can’t think of anything logically.

So yeah. This threesome is totally a one time thing. Enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully I’ll be done with the story soon, but I actually have to work this weekend. Blah. Next weekend though I’ll be working on the TV show – so yay!

explination

2009-12-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

Before I go into my whole… horrible part of last night, I do want to talk about some good parts.

I made a grand at work on Tuesday night. Actually, technically, I made $1200. But after tipping out our ungodly percentage, I walked with a grand. Dead fucking Tuesday night. I wasn’t enjoying being back – it was awkward for me. But my friend was there, happy I was back… and she found a customer who was willing to take us both to VIP. We thought he’d only be in there a half an hour. Four hours later… well… yeah. Cleanest fucking time in VIP I’ve ever had in that club. Cleanest I’ve ever made that much amount of money. All we seriously did was dance and drink. It was crazy.

I thanked God so much for that. And you know me, I’m a skeptic. But that? I in no way deserved that. My lazy ass didn’t go to a work for a month. An ENTIRE month. I should not have been given that.

Anyway, so. My thing with money though is money + drugs = sexy. So when I get the chance to get free coke, did I say no? Of course I didn’t. Free drugs are free drugs, and as long as it isn’t meth I thought I wouldn’t feel bad about it. After all, since I’ve been “clean” I have done ecstasy once, adderal maybe three times. Nothing major, but you know, just sometimes. So when I get money, for some reason I associate that with drugs. Not even spending it. But to me? Snorting a line or six with a hundred dollar bill feels fucking sexy to me.

Of course the guy giving it to me wants in my pants. I’ve been clear on this matter many times to him and he just doesn’t seem to get it. But that’s not my problem. I’m sick of repeating myself.

Right so. Pretty much passed the fuck out that night… went over my friends house and we played WoW a bit and then passed out. Next day we slept pretty much all fucking day, then get up, went out to lunch, came back, passed out, got up, went to Dave & Busters, ate, played games, went out to a bar.

Come back to their house: sex.

Which, don’t get me wrong, I very much like both of these people. I enjoy having spontaneous threesomes one cause holy HELL can this girl squirt more than I’ve ever seen anyone do in my ENTIRE LIFE, and two, it’s just… IDK. Fun. Ha. Anyway, problem is… once I had woken up I had been doing lines the whole night. I didn’t tell them. They both like for serious don’t do drugs.

Of course she finds out. Knows I’m not drunk, that something else is wrong with me. I tell her. She’s fine with it at first – not happy – but fine. She’s not now, not after my freak out. She called me an addict. I got upset. Really upset. She was trying to help, but I can’t be called an addict.

Coke makes me hyper aware of what’s going on. For all the times I’ve had sex in my life, I try very much to be on something that dulls everything around me. I don’t ever want to know my own sex.

So she totally called me out on faking my orgasm last time. I told her I just do that and make all the damn sound effects so I don’t fuck peoples self esteem up. It’s really really hard to get me off. Seriously. I can’t even get myself off half the time. Anyway, of course I try to compensate by telling them I do enjoy sex, but I enjoy sex for another reason: abuse.

They tried, they really did. But they are not abusive, hurtful people. They couldn’t do it the way I needed.

And then I just… fucking broke. I don’t know how, or why, but I ran into the bathroom and chain-smoked like a bitch to try to get myself to calm down.

She came in, tried to make me talk. I refused, I didn’t want to explain. More pushing and I just told her I can’t be aware of what’s going on when I have sex because I THINK SEX IS WRONG. I know that’s stupid, it makes no sense, but I feel like it’s wrong. Like it’s a dirty thing to do and I shouldn’t be doing it. That I’m disgusting for participating in it. I started crying, and she kept saying its okay, the way I want sex, everyone fantasies about weird shit and I told her no, that she has no fucking clue the fucked up things I fantasize about. There is one that I vowed to never, ever tell another living soul.

And she pushed and pushed and I screamed and I broke and I told her. Its disgusting, vile, horrible shit that makes me feel like I should kill myself for even thinking about.

I will not write it here.

I can’t believe she told me it’s okay. It’s okay that I think about that, that it makes so much sense because of what I’ve been through. And I KNOW that. I know WHY, psychologically I can think that. That doesn’t make it better. I would never do it, I couldn’t. I’d rip my fucking goddamn face off before I ever did something like that. But that doesn’t change how disgusting it is. Thoughts like that should never run through someone’s mind. And the main reason being to just destroy, lash out, revenge, steal someone else’s soul… that’s sick, twisted crap.

I hate myself so much for it. For everything I do or even think about sexually. I hate sex, I really do. Sex just continues to destroy me.

And yet I run my entire fucking life around it.

I have a serious problem. I know I do. I just… fuck. I’m so sick of all my problems. No human being should be allowed to have this many fucking issues. It’s just not right. It’s just not fucking fair.

fuck

2009-12-03T02:40:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if I’m more high or drunk right now.

All I know is that I’m very hyper aware of what’s going on. You have no idea how bad that it is for me. Especially sexually.

Threesome.

I’m off-putting, but they understand that’s just how I am when I’m high.

No I am not on meth. I haven’t touched that since March 28th. I hope to never touch it again. I can’t handle it.

I just can’t handle sex when I know whats going on. I can explain it, but I won’t. I don’t wanna go through it again. Don’t wanna cry again.

The stupid slut whore isn’t supposed to run and lock herself in the bathroom and cry. She’s supposed to spread her legs and take it like a good little bitch.

I’m sick of being who I am. I’m sick of all of this.

I can’t have sex anymore. I really, really can’t. You all don’t understand what it does to me or how it makes me feel.

There’s something seriously wrong with me.

And I’m just fucking sick of it all. I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve tried, tried so goddamn hard. I am so angry right now. I didn’t wanna say half the shit I did.

I can’t deal with this.

I hate who I am. What I’ve become. I wish I wasn’t over someone’s house right now. I wanna destroy myself.

Fuck all of this.

the sexual shit none of you need to know

2009-11-26T03:31:00.000-08:00

I’ve been refraining from writing in here for a bit now. Not because I don’t have anything to write about, cause shit I really do, but maybe because I didn’t know if I was ready to tell anyone yet. For awhile it made me feel dirty, like I was doing something wrong. Which is ridiculous, because out of all the damn things I’ve done in my life, something this normal shouldn’t make me feel dirty.

Forewarning for those of you who aren’t used to my brash honesty: this will be complete TMI. Read at your own risk.

The first thing that made me feel like something was wrong with me was when I started watching porn. Alright, I know most of you are like “Seriously? Porn?” cause hi, I fucking do porn, my pussy is out there for the whole goddamn world to see, but the thing is… I never watch it. Rarely, maybe fucking once every three months. It’s not a normal thing for me, and to be honest I really don’t masturbate all the much. As fucked up as it is, I get off, and no, not literally, writing and reading fics. It doesn’t give me an actual orgasm, but sexually stimulating my mind usually does more for me in the long run. Honestly. I know I’m weird.

Okay, the second thing. It’s been often. Like every night. I don’t masturbate every night to it or anything, but sometimes I just watch it. I have no idea why. I just get the urge to. And it’s never long, maybe a half an hour at best, but it’s still become a reoccurring thing.

Third thing is, and this is the big one: it’s been straight porn. And, hi, not only straight porn, but what I tend to specifically look for is anal, double penetration, and gang bangs.

Right. See, and now you’re all like “Okkayy… yeah, wtf, you lesbian.”

Oh, it gets worse.

I’ve apparently found the sexy in rape fetishes, especially realistic rape fetish porn. By realistic I don’t mean brutal beatings and shit, but porn in which the girl actually puts up a fight, says no, stop, whatever. You have no idea how many rough sex porn people try to classify as “rape” when the girls sitting there being like “Oh, harder, I like it like that.”

Yeah, no. Rape victims don’t do that.

See, you’re all weirded out by me now. I don’t blame you. I’m freaking out myself.

Now, of course, me, being the person who has to study and analyze everything in my own life, and why I’m acting the way I’m acting, goes and looks up rape fetishes. Like, as a study. Apparently, victims of rape sometimes can develop the fetish much later in life. So okay, I don’t feel like such a weirdo on that front anymore.

But there’s still the big glaring issue here: the straight porn. The loads and loads of dicks violating girls straight porn I can’t seem to fucking stop watching.

I imagine this is how normal people feel when they start to come out of the closet. The problem with me is that I accepted from a very early age that I liked women. I’ve never had an attraction to the male species until it started to form about a year or so ago. Slowly, nothing that’s made me really even notice it. This though is hitting me like a shit ton of bricks in the face.

And it’s freaking me out.

You know all those people saying, “I don’t wanna be gay, I don’t wanna be gay”?

Yeah, I’m the opposite. I don’t want to be straight. Or technically bisexual. Trust me, I still love women, very very much. And I do still know that I will eventually spend the rest of my life with one. But this right here freaks me out. Men as an entire species freaks me out when it comes to sex with them.

Okay no, that’s not true. I’ve had sex with men for money.

Let me revise that: men, having sex with a man, for hell, maybe something seemingly even emotional, fucking makes me want to run screaming.

I can’t trust men. I just can’t. I can have men as friends, but even that’s hard for me. Mainly because they can say one thing, just one fucking thing that’s sexual towards me, manages to make me feel uncomfortable, and then I’ll always feel uncomfortable around them. But I don’t say anything, I even sometimes encourage it, because part of my sick twisted brain is convinced that that’s what I’m supposed to do.

The first time I remember doing it was when I was fourteen. He was my friend, I cared about him, had fun with him, but I knew he liked me. I was all over one of my girl friends at the time whenever I was around him, just to make the point that I didn’t like him like that without having to actually say it. But he’s flirt, I’d giggle, I’d do the shit you’re supposed to do.

Until he got me drunk and him and his TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD friend took me to the woods and molested me in his car. And I say molested just because there was no penis inserted. Other things with inserted, shit that I remember fucking hurt all to holy hell and back again. Too many god damn things.

I said “I don’t want to,” a grand total of one time in my drunken half passed out state. Middle of the woods, had no idea where the fuck I was, trashed off my ass, and that fucking instinct just takes over where you realize if you just let it happen then it can’t possibly be worse than what could happen if you try to fight.

Its sick, but that’s what happened. I told my best friend what he did, and you know what she said? “Well you must have acted like you wanted it, because he just wouldn’t do that.” He was her friend too.

Right. I never told anyone about that ever again. Fuck all of that. I probably should tell my mom, she’s hated the bastard since I first started hanging out with him. Worse when he got me into that car accident. But he’s still in jail anyway, so fat lot of good that’ll do.

Anyway, my point is, I can’t handle this whole bi-curious thing I got going on right now. I want it to stop. It freaks me out, and I don’t like it.

And yet I continue to watch this goddamn porn.

Oh and, here’s the great part: integrating my dirty little fetishes into my fanfic. God. My little anal fascination showed up in “The Intervention Job”, and my slight rape/treat me like a whore fetish showed up in “Forgotten.”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The fucking end.

Comment Replies

2009-11-16T15:33:00.001-08:00

Anonymous said...
You have one big boob, and one small boob. Why?

Because God decided to have a laugh when he made me. Oh, and probably every other woman, since no one is symmetrical on that front. Also, considering my smaller breast is still a C cup, I want to know where you’ve been hanging out if you consider that “small”. I wanna hang out where all the huge titty bitches are.

On a more serious note, the left one seemed to stop growing after I got into a car accident when I was a teenager, and that whole side of me got tore up.

SuperShineyGirl said...
And sure Beth might *have* to be nice. But I think once you meet her, you'll feel more comfortable. She exudes warmth. Hell she might even try to mother you.

Oh lord, the last thing I need is another celebrity mother. Haha. I have Hudson Leick to mother me. Then again, she’s probably more like an older sister by the way she so bluntly and without any remorse tells me the truth about how much I’m fucking off. She doesn’t coddle, haha. But I guess I find the mother figure in her probably because once she told me that she sometimes she wishes I was her child and that she could have raised me.

I don’t know if I’d want Beth to view me in that way though. Hudson might be the first “celebrity” that has kind of felt like they needed to, I dunno, help me, or whatever, but she hasn't been the last. I’d rather not add another one to the list, makes me feel like I have some kind of draw that just sucks famous people in or something. Its weird.

Koryou said...
Celebrity crushes, how to explain them? Everybody who's crushing on a celebrity is in love with the idea of that person, you really are no exception there. I mean even if you meet them (at a Con for example ;) ) that isn't enough to get to know them.

And that's perfectly fine, it becomes a problem though when someone loses sight of the fact that the actual person isn't what they think they are. Because we don't know them, we just know of them.

Exactly. I know how it is to show one side to your “fans” and another to your friends, or people who trust. You become two different people. And I have a crush on the entertainer side of her. And kind of on her creative as fuck mind, if you can have crushes on someone’s mind. Lmao.

Probably won’t stop me from hitting on her though. Not that I think I’ll actually get anywhere, but, you know. She’s pretty. Lol. It just might have to be done. We’ll see how much I drink xD

dude your ass is tanner than my face

2009-11-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. What I don’t understand is why I continue to take it and then have the audacity to go and tell people that they shouldn’t put up with the same type of bullshit. I pretend I’m strong, pretend I can handle shit and back again and fuckin’ around the damn corner but the truth? I’m a doormat. I have this sign on my head that says, “Please, make me think you’re a trustworthy friend, a perfect lover, whatever… and then just take the rug out from beneath my feet and throw me on my ass. It’s just too fast and too perfect that I won’t know how to handle it.”

Because I don’t.

Not that I’m getting abused now. Please don’t make that mistake. No, but because I’m not, I feel the need to make the world crumble down around myself. If no one is around to do it for me, why not do it myself, right? I’m big on “Please save me”, but at the same time… I really don’t care if anyone does. Because the flip side? Going so far down that I can’t claw my way back to the surface… that’s acceptable. I push myself into suicide all the time recently. It’s like I’m fuckin’ daring myself. Go on, just do it.

But people save me, over and over again. And while I’m thankful, another part of me hates it, mainly because I just can’t understand it. I’m like fuck, just let me fall, for the love of shit… please…

But I’m smart. I have potential. I’m fucking creative like a mother fucker and that’s all I want to do with my life. But isn’t that how creative people are though? The most creative people are insane, right? That’s just how it works.

It’s sad because I can see myself doing everything I want to do, if only I can just conquer my own demons. I need hypnotism, I think.

To move away from all of that though… I have a job coming up for the month of December. I’m going to be an extra and a part time PA for an upcoming TV show pilot that’s getting filmed here in Atlanta. Don’t ask me the name, I forget. The producer told me, I think, in our very rushed conversation, but I just can’t remember. Ha. Even if I did know it, I don’t know if I would be allowed to say. I don’t know how those things work, since it’s not actually on the air yet.

And I have another job waiting for me in April. Which, ugh, I have to learn to drive for. You all have no idea how large of a fear I have of driving. It terrifies me. But I need to learn…

And, of course, I have to talk about the Leverage convention. I got asked to be a part of it months ago. You have no idea how hard that was to keep it to myself. But anyway, I’m going to be doing a fan video screening, and there’s a possibility that I’ll be doing a Q&A panel, which honestly scared me at first, but now I’m really excited and want it to happen. I know it’ll turn into a slashfic discussion and I’m sosry, but that would just pwn the whole weekend for me. Ha. My shit ain’t on the website though, not sure if it will be, but I know it’ll be in the program schedule, whenever they release that.

I’m nervous already about meeting Beth. But… whatever. I know it won’t be bad or anything, though only because she has to be nice to me. Because career wise? Probably a stupid move to be rude or whatever else to your biggest fan. Even though its superficial, I still take small comfort in that fact. Now, if only I can manage to talk to her like a normal human being. The sad thing is, I’m sure I’ll be able to with all the other actors. Her? It’s just different. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my completely irrational make-no-goddamn-sense-cause-I-don’t-know-the-woman celebrity crush on her. I crush on the idea of her, I suppose. Not her. I don’t know how to explain it, just because I can’t do it rationally myself.

And you all know how I am with rational logic. I don’t know how to deal with things I can’t explain.

Anyway, I guess I’m just doing this because I haven’t in awhile. So, sorry this isn’t of some kind of epic standard, but whatever.

I’m surviving. Good things are coming (because I flew with the seabirds and swam with the dolphins – five points if you know what movie I’m referring to), and hell… shit will either get better or get worse. Flip a coin.

Fuckin call it.

Christian Kane is sex in human form.

2009-10-28T17:15:00.001-07:00

Two words for you all: CHRISTIAN. KANE.

As I’m sure most of you already know by now by my MASSIVE squeezing over it, me and Nicole took a road trip to Nashville, TN to see Mr. Kane perform. It took four hours to drive from Atlanta to Nashville.

We left on Monday, which was one hell of a day for me. Got woke up by my phone only to find a million emails all of which included getting my ass chewed out. Lots of drama, all because people like to take one tiny thing and make it into this big monster that has NOTHING to do with what it originally was. But most of this shit has been resolved, so whatever. I do have one more bone to pick, but I’ll get there. Sometimes, like now, my bite is way worse than my bite. Just an FYI for those that started this entire mess.

But anyway.

Yeah so Monday sucked. Not only did all that drama happen, but then my computer just wouldn’t fucking start for the life of me. Then, we were supposed to leave around two, but we shit just kept happening and we didn’t end up leaving until like six. But we did finally leave. The road trip was pretty fun, all except when we almost got killed by a truck. And that isn’t an exaggeration. Here we are, in her little fucking banana yellow jeep, and this damn truck didn’t put on his blinker and started coming over. Meanwhile, we’re trapped against the guardrail. We seriously only barely made it out. It was scary as hell.

So Monday night was still kind of a mess. Nicole’s friend had this friend we were supposed to be staying with. Well, we go and hang out with a bunch of her friends, which was really fun. I’m actually surprised I got along with all of them so well… you guys know how horrible I am with people usually. Anyway, turns out Nicole’s friend found this girl from this thing called Couch Crashers or something. She didn’t know her. What’s more, the girl thought we had somewhere to stay already.

We just ended up getting a hotel. Motel 6, to be exact. It’s funny, cause Nicole asked me if I knew any cheap hotels and I said that one, because that’s where I used to stay when I was all cracked out on meth. Brought back memories. Those damn hotels are full of drug addicts and dealers. It’s crazy. Made me slightly nostalgic, even though I know how fucked up that is.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss getting high. I still think about it all the time. It’s fucking horrible. Frankly, I have no idea how I’ve managed to stay clean this long.

So the next day we wake up and… the cameras dead. So what do we do? Go to fucking Wal-Mart, aka, the death sentence on my wallet. Oh I need a winter coat, oh I need new shoes, jewelry, oh and while I’m at it… doesn’t that scarf look cute? Seriously. You all have no idea.

But I look fabulous. Just in case anyone was wondering. And yes, I do think one can look fabulous while wearing Wal-Mart clothes.

Then we have time to kill. So what’s cool to do in Nashville (besides drinking)? THE SCIENCE MUSEUM! Me and Nicole kind of relived out childhood a little bit. Parents looked at us funny and steered their children away from the two crazy women who are playing with children’s tools for learning.

Which by the way, don’t try to climb a jungle gym contraption thing in heels. It doesn’t work out very well.

We found the concert place pretty easily. Did help that the Kaniacs were lined up out the door. Me and Nicole actually looked pretty out of place there. I won’t say why, but we did. It was a bit strange, mostly cause I hate when people just stare at me. I always think I have something on my face that just ain’t supposed to be there.

And now I have to brag that we got seats at the bar, right next to the stage. Because there? Yeah that’s my place to be. Alcohol and Kane? Gimme more, gimme more.

I was bouncy as hell, and downing more Long Islands than I probably should. Squeed over the picture they were handing out being taken by Beth too (which, hi, how hard is it to spell Riesgraf? I before E, people… we learn that in school. REIsgraf just looks weird.)

So right. Kane. He comes out on stage, in this whirlwind of sexy hot manliness (yeah, says the lesbian lol) and everyone starts screaming. I might have been included in that, but you’ll never know. So of course, MY first reaction, seriously, was “Oh my godddd… he’s fucking sexy as HELL!” it was said outloud, very loudly, in a tone of voice people should never hear me use unless their naked with me in bed lmao. Really, if I’m to be honest, it was like a damn moan.

Women? I like women? I can’t remember, Kane’s in front of me….

Rofl.

Really, for those of you that have not met him yet, his sexiness fucking EXPLODES in real life. He’s not half as hot on TV. Which now makes me worry that when I see Beth I might spontaneously orgasm or something if that same is true in her case lol.

Moving on.

He starts with “The House Rules” which of course makes everyone bounce around and scream. And he all grabbed his crotch and… oh… okay, focus. Right. Yeah anyway, he was AMAZING live. Honestly I was really surprised. I don’t go to concerts all that much only cause most of the time I do people are horrible live. But his voice is like HEAVEN.

Serenade me, please.
I looked around the crowd a couple of times and was surprised to see that me and only a few others were singing. I’ve come to the conclusion that half of the people who came that at least only came for stalker purposes, and probably haven’t heard much of Kane’s music. Not that I didn’t come for stalker purposes, aha, but I do love his music too.

He preformed “Different Kind of Knight”, one my favorite songs, and it made me swoon. I wish he played “Whiskey In Mind,” but after “Rattlesnake Smile” and “Let Me Go,” all is forgiven.

So during the concert, some woman comes up to me and is like “You’re hot.”

So of course I’m like “Er… thanks?” lol.

Anyway, she says her name is Heather, and she’s Christian’s business partner, and she does promotions and music videos and stuff and wanted my information. So I gave her my phone number, I got hers and well, I’ll guess we’ll see if anything comes out of it.

Oh, during the concert, right at the beginning, Nicole starts hitting my arm like a spaz. So I’m like “WHAT?!” and she’s like “DID YOU SEE THAT?!” And I was like “See what?” cause I’m all in the middle with trying to tweet a little video of the concert. And she’s like “HE LOOKED RIGHT AT YOU.”

So of course I’m like “Wait, seriously?” And she’s like “Yeah, do you think he knows who you are?” and I told her no, that I doubt he would know me by SIGHT. I don’t think Beth would even know me by sight if she saw me in a crowd of people.

But then he looked directly at me AGAIN. That time I caught it. Like it was entirely obvious that he was looking directly at me. It made things dance in places I’d rather not say lmao.

And then it happens one more time.

So Nicole’s like “If he doesn’t know who you are, he probably thinks you’re hot or something. He seriously keeps looking at you.”

Cue me dying.

Anyway, after the concert a bunch of us waited around for him to come out and mingle. And he did. But we were all in the way of everything, and I said we should probably just go in the other room, just throwing my two cents in, maybe just voicing my thoughts outloud. Didn’t expect anyone to listen. So it totally caught me off guard when he turned to me and asked, “You think the other room would be better?” Um, whatever dude, you totally just made my brain stop by addressing me directly in a crowd of a bunch of people and being like half a foot away from me. So I just nod. My mouth failed me lol. I got lost in his eyes.

Oh, my little hetero-crush. So cute.

So eventually we all get into the other room, and Chris is literally backed up against a bar. Trapped. He deals with it fairly well though. There is no order to our chaos, no line to speak of. We’re all just crowded around him. There’s two people in front of me, and a million next to me. You know the looking thing? Yeah he did it again. He was talking to two other girls in front of me and just looks up at me, catches his eyes with mine, and just fucking smiles.

I swear my heart jumped out of my damn chest. Jesus.

Anyway, so I didn’t have to wait too long. Even though there was a million people all around me, and I wasn’t even directly in front of him, HE turned to ME and said hi, and held out his hand for my picture for him to sign.

I died. Again. This is the theme of this entire entry, obviously.

Now, everyone keep in mind… I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, I flirt. Also, everyone tells me I do this thing with my tongue when I smile that just makes me look like a slut, but in a good way, apparently. I noticed I was doing it with him, and tried to stop myself, but it really didn’t work.

Now before this, Nicole was like “Are you going to tell him who you are?” And honestly, that just makes me feel like I’m conceited or something, or trying to boost my own importance. It makes me feel awkward. But that was when I was sober. DRUNK Mary on the other hand felt the need for him to know exactly who I am, because I wanna feel the love lol.

So I start rambling all, “So I don’t know if you know who I am, I know a lot of people do on the show, but I…” then Nicole interrupts, and he’s laughing and smiles at me and says, “Just tell me.” And I said “Well I’m the girl that does that Leverage/Parker YouTube channel.” And he just LOOKS at me, like he’s finally putting something together, or he’s trying to remember something, or hell, I don’t know. But he looked at me in this way I can’t really describe, but it was a good way. Then he smirked and said, “Yeah I know who you are, mostly because Beth always talks about you.”

Me inside: OMG, BETH TALKS ABOUT ME?! SQUEE! OMG OMG OMG
Me outside: “Seriously?”

Anyway, he signs my picture with my name and everything, and then he gave me a hug and said “Thanks for all that you do for the show, man. We really appreciate it.”

Cue me dancing inside.

So then there was an interaction after that which I will NOT talk about, mainly because I don’t think he was supposed to answer my question, er, EXACTLY in the way that he did. Especially not with a million other people around. So just, for future reference, if that ever DOES get out, it’s not my fault. I really wish I woudn’t be blamed for everything.

Anyway, I left, and totally forgot to kiss him for my friend, forgot to tell him I’d go straight for him )yes those were things on my to do list). But I was overwhelmed, can you blame me? Next time maybe I won’t be so… OMGYOUR THESEXMYBRAINHASDIEDJUSTFUCKING…LOOKATMEWITHYOURPRETTYEYESPLZ.

Yes, that was my train of thought lol.

Oh yeah, afterwards, Nicole told me there was this crazy fan behind me that kept hating on me hard core. Like looking all jealous when he turned to me, and she’s all glaring, and Nicole said she swear she heard the girl growl.

SCARY! Lol

Anyway, I know I’m probably missing a bunch of shit but this is getting really long and I need to go the store to get cigarettes.

But in conclusion?

I want to fuck that man. Hardcore. With neck biting and hair pulling. Then after he can sing to me and all is right in the world. lol

Yeah, the end.

You won't understand this

2009-10-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

I need to get some stuff out, but again it’s one of those things that I just can’t talk about. This is the only time that it’s… it’s really hard for me. When I’m upset… I have to write about it to be able to understand it. To look at it right there, in black and white, and see all the things I wouldn’t be able to express otherwise. I just can’t talk about things when I’m upset, but then again I’m horrible at verbalizing any of my thoughts properly, that’s why I get in trouble so many times when I open my mouth. But when I write, I don’t think about what I’m typing. I just have all these thoughts rush through my head and my fingers try like hell to keep up. That’s one of the things I just love about being able to type without looking at the keyboard, though at the same time it’s proof how much damn time I spend on this thing, because it just happened when I was like… fifteen. One day I just noticed I wasn’t looking anymore. Ha.

I’m terribly hung over and sleep deprived, so I’m sorry if this doesn’t flow as well as it usually would.

Yesterday I got in trouble, and what’s even worse is that I got someone else in trouble for what I did. And what’s even worse about that? I was trying to help. I seriously thought what I was doing would help, but all it did was make things worse. That’s what really eats at me, when shit like that happens. Because here I am, I just don’t understand… fuck, people. I suppose. I don’t, and I hate that. I see the world so differently than other people do, I guess. I see people as people, as another human being with feelings and emotions and a whole life of their own. Just think about that for a moment. Have any of you ever really just thought about that? I think about that all the time, and that’s how I see everyone around me. But because of that, I forget that people don’t see me that way. And it offends me, honestly. That to someone I can be both nothing and someone at the same time, if that makes sense.

It’s really hard to write about this without say explicitly what’s going on. That, and the fact that I’m jumping around to different issues, bit confusing for myself. One of the issues I can't talk about. The other I don't want to talk about explicitly for fear on how I'll be judged. But this doesn’t have to make sense to you.

It hurts my feelings. I don’t reach out to many people, let alone try to find relatable ground with them. And then I do, and it’s passed off because to that person I really am just… no one. It makes me want to say fuck you, and just stop. I understand what I do can be considered a little fucking insane. But I am insane, honestly. By definition, yes, I am. But it’s not a bad thing for me. I just realized that I see the world in a different light, and hell, I think if everyone saw the world the way I do that people would understand a whole lot more. I constantly try to find the beauty in something so simple and amplify it. Half the time I don’t even know what exactly is so beautiful about it… it just… IS. I get amazing feeling off of other people, I can see something deeper, even if I have no idea what it is that I’m looking it. And I’ve accepted the way I am, but the problem is that I can’t just accept other people. I can’t accept other people who conform to all these ridiculous society rules. I’m passionate, and people just cannot understand that. I’m just so sick of everyone thinking of me like I’m some sort of freak, and also not… fucking just stop and realize for ONE moment how much damn work and effort and love I can put into something. Shit just doesn’t fall from out of the fucking sky, people. I’m so fucking… OFFENDED right now.

But at the same time, I’m also mad at myself. I should know by now that I’m horrible with people. I’m such a loner, so when I do reach out, I do to very, very few people. I’m really selective in my interaction with my species. I think that’s what makes it worse though. Because I am selective, I feel like people should be happy I do happen to think that they are worth giving two shits about, and just fucking… be the same way. That’s my grandeur problem too though. I hate that I have that, because it’s such a horrible and stuck up thing to have. But it’s some kind of problem in my brain, it’s not that I’m snobby because I’m not. I don’t act it, I don’t say things like that out loud because I know exactly how wrong it is. But I can’t help but think it. But that’s how it is. If I take the time out of my damn day to care, which I rarely do, the least you can fucking do is be thankful about it.

On another note: I love what I do. It makes me happy, but the attention doesn’t. The attention has screwed up everything. I miss the days when I was anonymous. When I was a nobody. Because once you become somebody, it rips you to shreds inside to find out that you’re still a nobody. I loved getting noticed for something I do that I just… fucking adore doing. I’ve always been noticed because I’m pretty, because I have this compulsive need to get naked and be a damn whore. But to be noticed for what you can do, your talent, your mind… that’s amazing. You all have no idea how wonderful it feels for someone like me. But I foolishly thought that because I was finally being seen as me, as who I am and what I can do outside of all the superficial bullshit that people would see me as a person. As a human being. And I… I never will. And that hurts, so much. You have no idea how much that kills me. I’ve always been a sex object, I’ve always been nothing but that. A sex object is not a person, is not human, and I accepted that. But this? I thought this was what made me a person and apparently it makes me some kind of psychotic bitch instead. And it’s just… terribly disappointing. Makes my heart hurt. I don’t know what it is that makes me a person anymore. I thought it was this… but I guess not.

I fucking hate this society. No one in this bloody world thinks like a rational human being anymore. It’s really fucked up when I have doubts about writing about something because this whole damn world has been brainwashed to believe that something so simple, so fucking HUMAN, is wrong. It’s fucked up that I just thought of that and then thought: “or maybe that’s just how crazy people think.” It’s so GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS that this world is so tainted by this image of what’s “right” that’s just so… WRONG. And it makes me upset that because I think it’s wrong that everyone’s gonna think I’m insane for it, when it’s all so damn clear in my head.

My world is not yours, and to be fucking frank, my world makes a whole lot more sense than yours does. I feel sorry that you all have to live in the shitty world that you do.

I am a person. You are a person. So stop bloody thinking about me as… a damn IDEA.

The last whatever weeks.

2009-10-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

My mac died.

Well, okay, not died exactly, but the screen part broke, and they were gonna charge me like $500 instead. So I did the only thing I could do… I bought a PC for the same damn amount of money. Fucking Apple likes to rob people, I’m sure that’s like the #1 thing they teach their employees.

Rule #1: If something is covered by a customer’s warranty, lie your ass off and sabotage the item until something is outside of their coverage. Water damage is a good, solid, untraceable lie.

It’s not like I’m going to leave it like that though… all broken. Unfortunately, macs seem to have grown on me. What can I say? They’re pretty. Much more organized too. So at some point I’ll fix that, and then just use this for gaming.

Oh, gaming.

My soul has been lost to World of Warcraft. No joke. I knew I stayed away from this game for a reason, see what happens?

I won’t babble on about it, mostly because I’m sure none of you care, but for those that are mildly interested, I’m on the Eredar server, I’m Alliance, and my characters name is Kallysto. Level 23 (at the moment) Human Warlock. Yay me.

Honestly, I blame Leverage.

Leverage mentions something, and I get more curious.

Doctor Who is a good example of that. And now Wow. What’s next? Maybe my soul wasn’t lost to WoW, just lost to Leverage.

Speaking of Leverage, there is so many things that I wish I could bounce around and tell ya’ll, but for now everything under wraps. Soon though… soon. Maybe a month or two, maybe three. Maybe, maybe… but I’m excited.

I interviewed Beth. That was really fun, and an awesome experience. It was only via email with her publicists as a buffer, but regardless, it was nice to be able to ask questions that I wanna know. Plus, a lot of the interviews I’ve read focus only on her role as Parker… and I have other stuff I wanted to know. Like her other projects, and her photography. To be honest I’m really, really interested in her photography. But that might just be because photography is one of my (way too many) creative interests that I pursue.

I had sex last night. Another threesome, with friends I just met. Part of me is actually bothered by that, mainly because I feel like I have a stamp on my head that alerts swinger couples or curious swinger couples that I do threesomes. I’ve had way too many of those in my life. What annoys me though is that out of all the threesomes I’ve had… it’s always been f/m/f. I want a f/f/f damnit.

I’m a bad lesbian though, clearly. Having sex with men just so I can fuck their girlfriends.

I was supposed to be celibate for a year. I made it eight months (which doesn’t include tricks, because that’s so not sex, that’s a job). That’s not too bad. But with all the sex dreams I’ve been plagued with lately, fucking constantly, I obviously needed it.

I can’t say that part of me doesn’t regret it though. Sex for me is always laced with some kind of regret, even the happy, in a relationship, loving sex I have (which, lets face it, isn’t often) is still laced with regret.

Sex isn’t something I actually enjoy. I just do it because I feel like I’m supposed to, or maybe just to prove something. Search for something. Who knows.

Sex to me is just… something to do, something that someone like me has to do.

I kinda wish I could stop, but that doesn’t look like it’s gonna happen any time soon. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.

Work, Beth, just stuff.

2009-09-27T13:02:00.001-07:00

Last night at work I cam to the startling conclusion that part of me enjoys being violated by strangers.

Yeah, I know how fucked up that is, trust me.

So that kind of makes me a bit depressed on who I am as a person, and how epicly screwed up my sexuality is, and how I view myself. Apparently, somewhere deep down I think I deserve being treated like a worthless whore.

Oh, my self esteem is wonderful, don’t you think?

I can’t wait until I don’t have to do this shit anymore. I can’t wait until I’m somewhat a functional member of this society. I can’t wait until I can wake up and not hate myself.

On a happier note however, because I think we all need one of those, Beth (Riesgraf, for those of you who live under a rock and don’t know my Beth!Love by now) agreed to do an interview with me via email for my website.

*this is the part where I do my little happy dance*

Apparently, badgering does pay off. Aha. Or maybe my determination, and my hope that she’s willing to give me a chance to not just be that fangirl that spams the internet with her presence in this world.

Which, I guess she is. So I’m very happy about that.

… That’s all. For now.

Work and whatever else

2009-09-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

My life really is like waking up to the same boring day over and over again.

Even when I switch it up, and actually get my lazy ass into work, it’s still the same shit every day. I drink too much, I bond with at least one nerd, I get asked to go home with someone at least twice, I’ll get shown an obscene body part on a cell phone, and I’ll be asked how much I charge for sex. It’s the same shit, over and over and over again.

I’m really sick of it.

Mainly, I’m sick of acting like I actually give a shit about any of these people who are giving me money. Because I don’t. I don’t know them, so why should I pretend like I do?

I’ve gotten bored with sexual manipulation. It’s too easy.

I used to do this because I found people interesting. And while yes, I have met some interesting people in this line of work; I’ve come to the conclusion that unfortunately, most people are the same. Nothing surprises me anymore, or maybe just because I’ve heard it all.

I’m also sick of showing my cunt to everyone willing to look. Which, lets face it, is a startling amount of people.

Moving on, though.

As for the whole Scientology thing, and everyone via here and Twitter and wherever else who are asking me if I still consider it a religion, the answer is yes. It is classified as such, and everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe. Frankly, you could dress up a goat in a damn skirt and call it your divine being, and I really couldn’t give a shit.

We all are instilled with free will, and everyone has the right to exercise that.

On a random note: Parker’s sexuality is in my hands. Don’t ask. It just makes me laugh, and quite possible be a bit ‘grr’ cause that’s just a sad reward/punishment system. Or should I say, it’s sad that I take it as such. Maybe.

But it worked. Damnit.

And I’m also really lonely. I came to that startling conclusion during my bipolar hung over spaz I had on Thursday. I also came to the conclusion that I dive into Leverage, and my Beth website, and whatever else… fanfiction and crap, due to that. To make me seem less lonely.

How ridiculous.

It’s also fucking pouring today, and normally that means I wouldn’t go to work, but I need to make rent. Jeez. Ruin my happy moment. I love being home when it’s raining. Listening to it.

But whatever.

Christ.

2009-09-24T08:37:00.001-07:00

Nevermind.

Fuck Scientology. Or at least, me going to it for help.

They tried to get my brother to cut off all communication with me because I'm like, evil. A bad influence. Something ridiculous that makes me have half a mind to go down there and bitch someone out, just because it'll make me feel better to just yell at someone.

But I either have more class than that, or am a complete pussy. Or maybe I just don't want to cause a scene, even though deep down I really do. I just never will.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm hung over like a bitch. I also got informed I'm very close to being fired if I don't stop being a complete slut. Which aggravates me a little, because in Dallas, what I did made me one of the cleanest dancers. I think Atlanta needs more whores, they make me look better.

On another completely unrelated note, because I'm good at those, I've come to the conclusion that my complete and utter lack of a sex life makes it difficult for me to watch "The Ice Man Job." You have no idea how much Beth in that dress turns me on. So much in fact, that I feel like a complete pervert for staring, and you know, whatever else (and I know some of you are thinking I do the nasty to myself when I'm watching that, but that would be incorrect. I feel like it's rude. Also, when I meet her I would never be able to look her in the eye if I did ever do that), even though she's in my computer screen. I assume that's better than actually staring at her and getting turned on in person, in which case I would be completely embarrassed and feel even more like a dirty perv, so here's hoping that when I meet her she doesn't wear anything that shows off her fucking amazing hips.

Because she does have a blow-your-fucking-mind-way-open body. It's probably worse for me because I've seen her topless. And in sheer panties. And no, you cannot have the movie. Go look for it yourself.

You're going to have to excuse me, I woke up really horny, yet very hung over, this morning. I blame the sex dream I had last night. Oh good god. I'm sure most of you will guess who played a pivotal role, but I'll just deny it. I like to pretend I'm not completely, disastrously, perverted. It's called denial, I try to make camp there. I feel embarrassed about my perversion with this woman, don't ask me why. I'll perv out over everyone and their mother and not care. Her? I feel like I shouldn't, and yet it still happens. It's really not my fault. I'm only programmed that way.

Good god, I hope she doesn't read this.

You all might think I'm inflating my own self-importance, but she knows things about my past (apparently) that I've only revealed in here. So. Hence, Jesus Christ, she better not read this.

I have half a mind of delete this now. But if I do that then I'm just going to never write in here again, so I'm going to hope that she's only been here once, and then she ran away scared. Right now, I'd classify that as a good thing.

I'm just going to stop though, before this gets any worse.

Religion

2009-09-23T00:39:00.001-07:00

Oh, fucking… religion.

Religion is one of those things I’ve never really had. Well, no. I’ve had a religion before; I was Episcopalian (which, lets face it, is the only branch of Christianity near worth being apart of because they’re not judgmental assholes). I guess I just have never had faith in it, or anything else, though. I don’t believe in God, and I think the Bible is a bunch of crack that someone wrote while tripping on mushrooms way back in the beginning of the good old A.D.

Let me not go any further without a bit of a warning to all you all. I am not here to discuss religion with you, get into an argument or some kind of heated debate. This is my journal, and you either like it, or you don’t and keep your mouth shut. Clear? Lovely. Moving on.

For not having faith in my religion as a child/teenager, I adored my church. St. Johns Episcopal Church in Gloucester, MA. Great people, they really are. I was an acolyte for years, sung in choir (which, really, my voice isn’t that great, the one time I got a solo I swear I butchered it to hell and back again), and I loved going to Youth Group. Hell, I even went to like this bible camp one summer, which then got me obsessed with the movie “The Prince of Egypt”. You all seriously have no idea how much that cartoon movie rocks my socks. You really don’t. But anyway.

Youth group… that was the best. We would put on cabarets sometimes, and once again I point out the awesomeness that was my branch of the Christianity religion, because who else would let me make a dance to “I’m A Slave 4 U” by Britney Spears and perform it literally in the church. Oh, and I can’t forget one of the boys dressing in drag and lip syncing “Man, I Feel Like A Woman.” Yeah, that was my church. We were fucking cool. We even did little ceremonies for gay couples, even though it wasn’t legalized then there. I repeat, we were the shit.

But the problem was: I don’t believe in God. I just don’t. My problem is this: I’m too logical, and too rational, and too driven by needing proof of something before I can believe in it. Has any religion offered that to me? Ever? No. They all expect you to believe in something that’s completely ridiculous, and most suppress who you really are along the way (you meaning me, us, the gay folk of the world) because it’s “wrong”. How am I supposed to do that? Fuck and NO. I’m a big girl, and I don’t have to take that kind of crap if I don’t want to. So I just don’t.

As much as I loved my church, the branch of my once religion, I can’t find myself going to church anymore because what is it? Praying to a God I don’t believe in. And well, that doesn’t work out so well for me.

Now, I’m tolerable of other’s religions. While I have strong opinions on them and why I think most of them are absurd, I respect other people’s beliefs just because they have them. They have something that they can have faith in, and I am really, really jealous of that. Honestly.

So, here’s the part where most of you stop reading and shun me forever.

I’ve been looking into another religion very recently, mainly due to how hard its been for me to just… live. I need faith in something, I need help with a million things, and I got curious after a conversation I had with someone involving Beth.

Beth is a Scientologist.

Which, okay, I’ve known that pretty much since when I started looking stuff up about her. It’s really not difficult to figure out. Anyway, the actual conversation of how that came up doesn’t matter, it just got me thinking.

My brother was a Scientologist at one point. And frankly, in my opinion, even though I don’t even know if it’s his, I think it saved his fucking life. Before he came down to Atlanta to live with my sister he was… to put it mildly… angry. Like fucking I want to kill everyone with my bare hands kind of angry. Anyway, so he starts going to the Church here and after awhile… he got a lot better. Learned to live in the world, and granted while yeah everything still blows to Tartarus and back again, he’s still for the most part better for it.

I’ve known the controversy around this religion for awhile. And yes, people, I’m calling it a religion, and not a bloody cult like most do. It has enough followers to be classified as a religion, and it’s all tax-exempt and all that jazz so, henceforth: Religion.

Regardless.

The controversy. I know it, trust me. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the websites, I’ve heard the shit people say. But I’ve never really gotten there myself, at least I don’t remember doing so, because I think the first time I really even heard about it cared enough to listen was when my brother was going, and since he has since then come out better for being apart of it, I entirely respect it.

But I knew nothing about it. Not really, not until the last couple days. I’ve been reading. Like, a lot.

Now, while the whole aliens inhabiting out body thing and the Xenu story sounds like crack just like the bible to me, maybe sadly enough, I can believe that more than some big invisible man in the sky dictating out lives and creating a woman from a man’s freaking rib.

But once again, the proof thing. Yeah, so until you show me that I actually have little alien particles, or whatever it is, inside of me… yeah no.

However. And this is a big however.

They have a really stable drug program, which lets face it, I fucking need. I still want it all the time, and I know I’m hovering at screwing up my almost six months of being clean, and well… that would suck.

They also do this thing called Auditing, which is kind of like counseling only not really. It’s like helping you dispel negative shit from your mind. All that crap that makes you limited in your life. Anyway, I think that looks really useful.

And they totally hate the use of psychiatric drugs. Which I’m totally against too. Fuck all that bullshit.

But anyway, they don’t force you to believe in really anything, just kind of help you with a bunch of shit by taking you through levels of… shit. Yeah. Anyway.

I know so many of you are gonna be like “They’ll take your money!” and blah blah. Trust me, I’ve read hater sites as much as I have the pro-sites. I don’t do anything unprepared. And really, I’m still not 100% sure if I want to do anything at all. It’s just a lingering thought, something I might check out. If it’s not for me than hell, no harm in trying.

Frankly, I just need fucking help. Obviously.

So I’m going to try to talk more with my brother on it, get his opinion, before I actually go there. And if I do go there… I guess we’ll see how that goes. It’s just… something I’ve been reading about recently, and I just need… something. Something in my life.

So. I guess we’ll see.

Let the flaming begin.

I remember when...

2009-09-11T02:03:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was happy.

I remember when I had friends, a girlfriend. When I loved my job, and when I loved being Sapphire Smoke.

I miss it.

Timeline for those of you have known me for awhile:

The summer of 2007, until the winter of 2007-08. That’s when I was happiest. For those of you that followed my sapphiire YouTube channel, it was around the time my brother came down to visit, I was geeking out hardcore to Harry Potter (when I discovered HexRPG.com), I was going webcam chats, still modeling, I started going out with Amanda, and started making my little “music videos”.

That’s when I was happy.

I worked at The Fare Room in Dallas, and I fucking loved my job. I went to work four times a week and made more money than I should even be allowed to possess. When I had a home, not just a place to live, like I do now. This empty fucking place. I hate it here, it doesn’t feel like mine. I don’t have anything that’s really mine anymore. I remember when I LOVED going to work.

Somehow I found the time between working, being with my girlfriend, and hanging out with friends to constantly be online.

No, I wasn’t tweeked out then. At least, not as bad as it got. Only once or twice a month.

I remember when I hated meth then. Did it to have fun but remembered the bad come downs so I didn’t do it for awhile after that.

I remember when I had so much fun vlogging. And not the stupid crap you guys see now… the great shit I did with the little scenes I’d play out, the skits I would do… I remember when that was fun.

I remember how happy I was to be with someone I loved, and I remember the pain of losing her, and I remember how I decided right after it happened that I would never do that to myself again. I would never give so much of myself to another person, work so hard at a relationship (and you guys have no idea how hard I worked to keep it alive) just to see it fail. And yes, she was pregnant, and didn’t know exactly what she wanted. I understood that, but that didn’t mean I didn’t decide that if she wanted to be with me that I would help her raise her child. I loved her that much.

I remember when I loved having fans. I remember loving to talk to them during the webcam chats, or on my forum, or through whatever else. I remember when I loved doing stuff for them.

I remember when everything changed.

The last time I saw my family was when it all changed. The summer of 2008. I went home, came back… and everything fell apart.

I remember moving in with a really good friend of mine so we could split the rent and since we spent all our time together it was kind of obvious we should just freaking live together.

And then I remember when she became pregnant by what I have to assume is some kind of demon child, because then she changed.

I remember that’s when I started getting really bad on meth. I remember her constantly making me feel like a victim. Locking me in the basement (where my room was), screaming at me when I’d go out with my other friends and lock me out of the house after because I wasn’t allowed to have a key. I remember her making me feel like I was nothing, no one, that I didn’t even deserve to eat the food in the house.

I remember the first time I ever TRULY wanted to die. I remember writing the longest suicide note in the history of the world, I remember the calm that settled over me when I accepted that I was going to die that night, I remember taking twenty 600mg trileptal, fifteen 150mg welbutrin, and 10 (I forget the dosage) risperal. I remember crying, slicing up my leg the worst I ever have because I knew it wouldn’t matter when I died. I remember listening to Celine Dion’s “A New Day Has Come” when I felt my muscles get really heavy, and my heart slow down and fight to pump blood through my system.

I remember dying.

And I fucking remember how scary it was, and I remember fighting to live after that. I remember when I was conscious enough again, sticking my finger down my throat and throwing up all over myself. I remember hallucinating. I remember hallucinating that SHE was down there. And it was scary, because I really thought it happened. I was talking to people that weren’t there, voices that weren’t real. I saw demons, I saw it all.

I remember Brandi saving me.

I remember leaving all of my furniture and going to live in Motel 6. I remember smoking meth every day because I hated everything about my life. I remember how good it felt, how good it fucking TASTED, and god… I remember how beautiful it was, the smoke, swirling around in that pipe.

I remember when I moved to the Budget Suites, met a new friend, and was a little happier. I remember I was living there when Leverage first came on, and how I would sit on my couch with my laptop and write fanfic while TNT was constantly on on the TV next to me, even if I wasn’t watching it. But I also remember doing more drugs with her than I ever had in my life, and all the horrible shit that went along with it.

I remember the betrayal when I realized that my friends stole everything from me.

I remember that’s when I decided I didn’t want anymore friends. I’m so good to them, I really am. I give them places to sleep when they don’t have any, I’m always fucking there for them. I let them into my fucking house when I adore living alone and dispise when other people are around. But they need it, so I do it.

And then what?

People take shit from you, always. I remember when I realized I have too good of a heart and am too stupid to have any friends. Because they aren’t really friends, are they? I’ll do anything to help them out and they all fuck you over in the end.

Except Brandi, she never did. She beat the shit out of me once, and because once again I’m a stupid prat, all I did was hold her down because I couldn’t hit someone I love.

I’m a flashing neon sign that says, “Abuse me!”

And I just take it. All the time. I take it and I cry about it but then I forgive everyone over and over… until now when I cut myself off from everyone.

I can’t have friends, they kill me.

I can’t have a girlfriend, because I’m afraid they will too.

I’m scared of people. All they do is be so fucking cruel when you try so fucking hard to be good to them.

I’m stupid, I’m naïve, and that’s why I hide here, by myself, in this little hole.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HAPPY.

And I don’t understand why I can’t be that way again. Even for a moment.

Dragon*Con 2009

2009-09-06T20:54:00.001-07:00

The decision to go to Dragon*Con was seriously made in about five seconds after I saw this:

@JulieBenz
Flying to atlanta for dragon con... Come by and say "hi"!

My brain stopped. I was like “Oh my god, Julie Benz is coming to Atlanta?!” and immediately shot up off my bed and ran next door, banged on Nicole’s door, and jumped around asking her to come with me. After awhile, she obliged. This was Thursday. I had never met Julie, and I’m SUCH a huge fan of hers that it was kind of a no brainer. Perfect opportunity landing on my doorstep.

On Friday we went (on four hours of sleep mind you – I can’t sleep when I get excited) and got there at 11am. Stood in line for a badge until 12:30 only to realize WE WERE IN THE WRONG LINE. So we just said fuck it. Took lots of pictures and then focused on trying to get a photo op for me with Julie without actually being part of the convention.

So after both of us smooth talking the photo op security guy, I got my photo. I asked Nicole to be in it with me, and she said she’d kind of stand to the side a bit so it would make it easier to crop her out of need be, but it only weirded out both Julie and Charisma (who was doing photo ops at the same time) due to that exchange of why she was doing what she was doing, and in the end she kind of looked like a total creeper just all off to the side randomly lol:

The rushed us in and out of the photo op so quick we barely had time to say anything to either of them. So we get home and I decide I HAVE to go back on Saturday. Nicole didn’t want to go though, so I went by myself.

I went to bed at 4am, and got up at 7:30am. Three and a half bloody hours of sleep. I seriously can’t sleep when I’m excited. Eat either. It was a whole 48 hours until I finally ate something when this was all over. Anyway, I was wearing this cute little dress that I was SO not gonna go on Marta wearing for obvious reasons, so I put on some baggy clothes over it and then just took them off when I got there. Downed about four redbulls and got on the bus, two trains, and then finally got there at 10am.

Now, the line for on site registration was so long it was a maze insides, out into the hallway, out the building, and DOWN THE STREET. Not the longest line I was in though that day, surprisingly. And it only took an hour and a half to get through. I was expecting much much longer. So I got my badge, felt wicked cool for being all legitimate this time, and went off an had me a beer. LOL.

After my beer I went and purchased a photo op for Charisma Carpenter and Tom Felton and had a bit of time to kill so I went on a hunt for where the heck they have the walk of fame. Turns out it was at the Hilton so I took the skywalk over from the Marriot (which by the way, let me add that this convention was so huge it had 45,000 guests and took over four hotels) and found it. Now it was this HUGE room with all the celebrities at their designated spots. I walked around searching for Julie cause I wanted her to sign the photo I took with her the day before and found her right next to Charisma.

So I waited in line and was all kind of nervous cause she was talking to everyone and I’m like “what the hell am I gonna say?” cause you know when you meet celebrities you want to say SOMETHING. Fucking anything. Just so you can have this tiny fangirl accomplishment of miniscule proportions lol. And you know, for someone that beats themselves up for being so fangirlish all the time, for some reason it doesn’t matter to be at conventions. I mean no, I will not go OMGILOVEYOU-fangirlscream- or anything like that, I will never do that, but I’m happy about my short conversations lol.

Really, you all should fear when I go to the Leverage convention. Oh LORD lol.

Anyway, I come up to her and hand her my picture (after handing the guy $20 for her to sign it) and she’s laughs and says “I remember this photo” and I had to explain the cropping and whatnot aha. Then she asked me if I was enjoying my time there and I said yes and that it was my first. And she was like “really?” so I told her that it was a last minute decision to come because I saw her tweet on Twitter about coming to Atlanta and that’s why I came. So she was all flattered that I came just for her lol. Anyway she told me to ask a question at the Buffy panel, but I never did. Like I would even get one in, there were a million people there.

So then I went over to Charisma. I gave her my Angel DVD to sign and she’s like “This is the 5th season” which only had one episode with her in it. And I explained to her I got everything stolen from me a couple months ago and that I just bought that one again recently and yada yada so we talked about how shitty people were and stuff for a bit. Then she saw the picture of Julie and me in my hand and was like “Aww… [laughs] I remember this.” Rofl. So then I had to explain to HER about the cropping thing… lol jeez. Nicole.

So then I saw James Marsters. So I was like oh fuck, I know I probably shouldn’t but… yeah I totally need an autograph from him. But then he was leaving for lunch, which was a suckfest. He was coming back to sign from 1-3 but at 1 was Tom Feltons panel and at 2:15 I had a photo op with him and right after that I had one with Charisma. So I was like fuck, how am I gonna fit this in?
Anyway, walked around a bit and saw Felicia Day, who I would have liked to get an autograph from but I seriously needed to limit my money. So I just took a really shitty stalker photo lol.

Tried to find Mary McDonnell (who was in Battlestar Galactica which I never saw, but she was FTW in The Closer. Omg. I adore her character on there) but I never got to see her because she was only gonna be there from 2-3 and I had photo ops then.

So 1pm rolls around and I’m in line for the Tom Felton panel. He was really funny, talked a lot about Harry/Draco slash (actually most of it was unintentional, just stuff he said sounded awfully dirty lmao. Him and Daniel in the bathroom with their wands out… yeah, lmao. Very, very dirty. He was like “god I should just stop talking” aha) But I left that a half an hour early to run to a different hotel to go get James’ autograph.

The line for his autograph was long as fuck, but I got there. He signed my Angel DVD as well and I asked him about Torchwood cause I just started getting into Doctor Who… which is brilliant by the way if any of you don’t watch it… and Torchwood is a spin off so he was explaining it and stuff and told me I had to watch it. He was a really sweet down to earth guy. Very cool to meet him. Dazzling fucking smile too. But as one of the three men I would go straight for, I would expect nothing else.

The other two are Johnny Depp and Christian Kane if any of you were wondering xD

So then it was off to another hotel to get a photo with Tom. The line was obnoxious, but I would expect nothing else. The fangirls were funny as hell, all standing on their tip toes to possibly get a peak at him taking pictures with other people in the other room. It made me giggle. Listening to my OMG THERE HE IS! –SWOON- aha. Sorry, I just found it funny.

Anyway, I get up there, tell him I’m a huge fan cause hell, I am. Of the books/movies anyway, not really of him per say though I do like his portrayal of Draco, especially in the last movie. Anyway, he spots my tattoo and says “Nice! We have a Death Eater in the house!” so that was a hell yeah I pwn the world moment for me lmao. Anyway, picture, yay, done. Honestly he just is not all that attractive in person, but oh well. I did enjoy his panel immensely. Good sense of humor.

Then I had a bit of time to kill (really like 10 minutes) before I took my photo with Charisma so I smoked a cigg, called my mom – who didn’t answer. Really, you’ve been texting/calling for weeks and the ONE time I actually call you back you don’t answer? Fail.

So I get my picture taken with Charisma, no real big story just a hug “I see you’re back” a smile.. a nice photo. Anyway, as I was leaving I saw Julie over in the corner (actually looking a bit like a creeper in the shadows lmao) on her phone so I asked her if she was tweeting and she laughed. She said no but she probably should now that I said that and we talked a bit about Twitter and how she saw an article about how people are going into internet detox therapy now and how she thinks she should go. I told her she shouldn’t aha.

Julie honestly was the highlight of the whole weekend. Not only was she my favorite actress that was there and the entire reason I decided to go in the first place, but she was genuinely nice and she was the one I talked to the most.

Anyway, had some time to kill again so I talked to my brother on the phone and squeed a bit until I went over to a panel on the Buffy Season 8 comics (which no, I haven’t read yet, but have heard ALL about, trust me. Buffy sleeps with another slayer – who ISN’T Faith (fail) and Faith is dating Giles and Xander and Dawn are now dating. Wtf is happening in the Buffyverse?! I really should read them though. There was some Q&A with the writer, and the guy who draws the comics, and the editor. Made me wanna look into it.

SO THEN IT’S THE BUFFY PANEL. I’m fucking 45 minutes early and… you ready for this? The line was so long it was across the large open hall room thing, down FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, outside, and wrapped around THREE QUARTERS OF THE BUILDING. Yeah, seriously. It was INSANE.

So needless to say, my seat was a bit shitty lol.

It was great though. Charisma is REALLY funny, which I didn’t know before. James was entertaining per usual, Julie was fun, and then poor Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy – from the freaking movie) was just sitting there feeling so out of place with all these questions. Stuff like “favorite memory you had with each other” and “favorite episode” and god… lol. I felt bad. But it was cool to see the original Buffy there.

And then by this time I was dying with my three and a half hour sleep so I went home on the stupid Marta, got myself a footlog sub, watched an episode of Burn Notice while I ate then promptly passed the fuck out.

I’m so going next year. The whole weekend. Which so much more preperation. I’m totally dressing up! XENA FTW! Did I ever tell you guys I wanna go as Alice White to the Leverage con? Lmao, dead serious. If only I can find a floral print dress that hideous… wait, its floral. I probably can.

Anyway, awesome fucking weekend. Wouldn't trade it for the world, even with my random spontaneous decision making that I usually try to avoid since they tend to all usually have bad consequences.

Vids are posted on YouTube, pictures on my Facebook. Well, the Buffy vids aren’t posted yet. I have to edit them and Final Slut Pro is being a cock muncher so those… are so gonna take a bit lol.

When you kill off 2/3rds of yourself

2009-08-31T23:17:00.002-07:00

First of all, let me say I’m alive. If that didn’t become blaringly obvious by this post already. Or I might be blogging from beyond the grave… spooky, no? I’m haunting you bastards, fear me. Even death can’t keep me away from a computer.

A lot of shit has been happening very quickly, and none that I’m fully ready to disclose. But I’ve been picked up off my ass (again) from my Fairy Godfather. Don’t ask who that is, it isn’t important.

And also don’t ask me why I codenamed him in such a child-like manner, but ever since I started writing Parker I have somehow convinced myself she likes fairytales, relates to fairytales, or wishes to be apart of one. I think the ideal would appeal to her. But it’s funny honestly, because I have so many quirks or character details or mannerisms I always write for her, over and over in every story, that have never shown up in the canon. Normal things like the fairytales down to the smallest weirdest details like how she loves marshmallows. Seriously, don’t ask how I come up with this shit, I don’t know. But I’ve convinced myself all of these are true to Parker. I’ve developed her in my mind with more layers than I can ever get around to writing. But Parker isn’t the point of this; I just kind of went off on a tangent there.

Basically what this all boils down to, all of this fucked up “I want to kill myself” shit is the fact that I am murdering big parts of myself. I know right now you’re thinking “Sapphire Smoke”, but it’s not just her. It’s “Faith”, otherwise more recently known as “Parker.” But she will always be Faith, don’t ask me why.

I’m not saying I have MPD or something equally as fucked up. But I separated myself into three separate human beings as a way to cope with life and the different sides of myself. To have this make sense, I’ll have to explain all of them.

Mary
Mary is the girl who grew up never thinking she was pretty, never having any dates, and always living inside of a fantasy world. She keeps to herself, preferring hiding in her house/apartment/room with a computer than stepping outside of those doors. She never wanted to be who she was, rather creating other worlds entirely through role-playing and writing so she would escape. She got lonely, but found it better than ever relating to another human being because she was constantly afraid of them.

Sapphire Smoke
Sapphire is energetic, excitable, and craves attention like a drug. She does things for shock value and enjoys other’s reactions. The YouTube channel sapphiire fed that addiction like the best brand of heroin. People were calling themselves her fans, telling her she’s a role model. She ate that shit up. She wanted to be famous, though was probably a bit too into her own looks for her own good. She was the pretty face behind Faith’s fucked up life, making it look glamorous and throwing humor and blunt honest in between while sweeping the ugly truth under the rug.

Faith
Faith is a manipulator. She had a way with talking anything out of anyone, and she knew the art of seduction like the back of her own hand. She knew she wasn’t the prettiest or the skinniest stripper in the world, but to hell if that stopped her. She could make men empty their wallets with a look or a subtle flick of her tongue. If she wanted more, if she felt like she needed more, she’d get it other ways. If a man’s wallet was thick enough and he was perverted enough to let his dick do the financial thinking, she would let guys finger her, eat her out, she’d give hand jobs (and in only two instances blow jobs) or let them fuck her (or hell, just fuck other strippers in front of men). She loved to live life like nothing mattered the next day and would snort lines of coke off the tables, smoke meth in the bathroom, whatever. She’s the one that goes to parties. She never pays for her own drinks and can always find a way to get free drugs. She was reckless, stupid, and a whore.

Mainly, I developed these different sides of myself so I could have an excuse for the things I did. Oh, that wasn’t me. I know it sounds insane, but it worked for a very long time. And it was mostly for Faith. I felt like I had to make excuses for her, when in reality it just shows how incredibly fucked up I am sexually. I think part of me enjoys feeling violated by a man, maybe because it’s familiar. How fucked off is that?

The problem is, Mary started suppressing Faith. I did used to go out, I did. But when I get into a party atmosphere it was Faith’s turn to play, and I hated every single thing she did the next morning. Probably a lot to do with why I don’t have friends. I can’t have them see Faith and have them think that’s me. I don’t want to be her. The only thing she’s good for is making money, and she’s excellent at that. But other than that? She shouldn’t be around.

Faith started dying after I left The Clubhouse. She was still with me a bit when I went to Mainstage, though she was at her prime in The Fare Room. But I started suppressing her a lot… and then I started dancing at Gold Rush, here. I can’t dance as Mary, or either as Sapphire really. Sapphire kind of thinks she’s better than everyone else, better than everything I even have right now. She’s a bit of a snob. But Faith is the only one mentally fucked off enough to be able to dance, and without her… well, that’s why I haven’t gone to work in so long. I can’t handle it. It terrifies me now.

Then I killed of Sapphire Smoke. Everything that made her who she was is now gone. And it feels like she’s fighting inside of me right now, angry. She’s not gone yet, but she will be. She’s just really pissed off. Because what’s left? Mary, who never leaves the house. Not exactly ideal for Sapphire the attention whore.

And I felt so lost. Alone. I stripped away all my facades and am left with something that I don’t like by herself. Mary is a hermit, a god damn turtle. She can’t handle the world, what’s out there, and wants to live her life in a box. But the problem is… she can’t. The real world doesn’t work like that. You need to go out, get a job… fucking function.

MARY CANNOT FUNCTION.

And here I thought it would be better to get rid of those other two, that all they did was fuck me up more where in fact I created them to save myself. So now what? What the fuck am I left with? I’m back where I started. I created these people to be able to live in the world and without them… to be honest I don’t know if I can handle the world.

But I’m probably gonna be locked up somewhere for awhile, that’s the plan. And to be plainly fucking honest… I need it. I have the most fucked off case of identity crisis ever, and I need to learn how to handle it.

down down down

2009-08-29T19:26:00.001-07:00

A bottle of aspirin and a bottle of vodka. I’m so cliché it actually makes me laugh a little bit. You should see the bottle too… it looks so old school, so fucking… what they have in movies, yeah? It’s actually quite beautiful because of that. I’d film it if I had a camera.

I know better than to think I’m going to die from this. I’ll swallow a hundred of these fuckers and in actuality it would take me over three hundred pills to really die. But then again, that’s a variable, and my liver and stomach lining is already destroyed by many of these nights. But I like that, leaving it up to fate. Will I? Won’t I?

It’s always fun to see what happens. You know what I just found too? My lithium. Aha. They gave this to me back in March. It’s sad I never take pills except to fuck up my brain just a little bit more. This is why my memory is shit. People really think I joke about how bad my memory is, when it truth its fucked to hell and I’m sure nights like this are the cause. Destroying the tissue… disintegrating all the mundane things like names and places…

Mundane for me anyway.

I hate doing this though, always makes me sick. I know that’s a funny thing to say, but I’m serious. Me and pills have had a spotty past, so even trying to swallow them makes me gag a little. But if I do throw up, *if* I do, might be soon honestly, fuck knows. Then again who knows what my stomach can handle anymore. I’m also sitting here eating popcorn and sunchips and watching Skins.

Probably the most boring, unpoetic suicide attempt I’ve ever had. Because that’s what everyone will classify this as anyway. When in reality I just like dancing with fate and running away from everything. I’ve only done 25 so far, but its already getting me sick. 17 asperin and 8 lithium. I always count when I do this, I like to see how high I can go. I’ve only reached 40 pills before I start vomiting or pass out though. We’ll see.

I think I’m just sick though cause I’m eating an awful lot right now. But then again, maybe it’ll slow it down from eating away the stomach lining? You know I bleed in my stomach sometimes? I think this is why. Hm.

I don’t know, I’ve never eaten when I’m done this. Never watched tv either. This is very fun, calming, relaxing.

It’ll be a good night ^_^

Unless I end up at the hospital or something, then that will suck. Last time they stuck a tube up my nose and down my throat, and THAT, my friends, is true pain and horror.

Gonna go watch more Skins now.

I'm not your entertainment anymore

2009-08-26T12:53:00.001-07:00

We all need someone to look up to. Someone that we strive to be either professionally, or mentally, etc. No, Parker is not real. Yes, I completely and one hundred percent understand that. But I don’t ask for your judgments, this is my journal. If I’m going to continue to be told that what I do isn’t healthy and I need help, then I’ll just close this thing down. I don’t need people I don’t know to tell me what to do with my life. Unless you’d like to pay for my therapy, don’t speak. I can’t afford it; I don’t have a job that gives me insurance.

I’m deleting everything related to my Sapphire Smoke persona. I just protected my Twitter, shut down the website, the fanpage on facebook, and the YouTube channel. MySpace is next.. I’m not on the Internet anymore to entertain you, any of you. I’m on here to share my interests with some friends and have fun. To do what I enjoy doing.

No, maybe it’s not god damn healthy to be into a show like this. Watch me fucking cry about it, honestly. You wanna change who I am? I’ve been like this since I hit puberty and my bipolar became out of god damn control. It’s called a “focus”, thanks. I’m not stalking anybody or having delusions of love or importance or anything like that. To me, that’s crazy. What I do? Yeah maybe it’s a bit obsessive, but that’s how I cope with things. And it makes me HAPPY. None of you seem to understand that word.

Happiness.

I ENJOY writing fanfic, I enjoy running the YouTube channel for Parker, and the website for Beth. I enjoy making graphics and geeking out and being excited over such small stupid things. Okay? That show makes me happy, so leave me the hell alone. About one of the only things that do. And I understand some people think that television isn’t healthy when you get into it like that, that people need to go out and socialize and live in the real world, but the real world doesn’t make me happy. We’re not all built the god damn same, and if I’m not like you then just accept that and move on. I don’t harass others and tell then what they need to do. Ever.

I’m not your entertainment anymore. I’m sorry, but this is over. I am not Sapphire Smoke, I’m Mary. I’m not the YouTube personality anymore; those days were over almost a year ago now. I’m not the fucked off model either. You know the last time I truly modeled? June 2007. Yeah I take pictures for fun and I enjoy it but it’s not the same thing anymore.

I’m not your damn entertainment. Find someone else to internet stalk. This is over for me.

Parker vs. Sophie debate turned... bad.

2009-08-26T01:30:00.000-07:00

So me and Kimber started to have a very healthy yet passionate debate over Parker and Sophie and thier character arcs and stuff in the Leverage chat tonight (with Maggie, Tina, and Yu as witnesses to this whole ordeal) Unfortunately it ended up morphing into being just about Parker.

For those of you that have been reading this blog for awhile now, I have gone a little into why I love the character so much. I admire the hell out of her, and admire Beth Riesgraf for playing a character like that, to the point where it's just... really personal. There are so many things about Parker that I see in myself, except I see that Parker got it right. Parker's stronger. Parker's better. And it's just... Okay, I'll get to that afterwards.

I'm gonna post the debate, because honestly it is really interesting, and I think other's might find it interesting... until I flip out entirely at the end. Which I will explain. Fuck it. I... just don't care anymore. And really, I need to justify WHY I totally went insane in the chat. Rather not have people think I'm crazy for no reason.

Me: (talking about writing a Parker/Sophie physical fight just for the hell of it) But I don't know what the fuck would make them fight like that, and the fact that Sophie couldn't take Parker in a million years? Yeah…

Kimber: I think she could. Well....maybe not take her...but she could be a match for a LITTLE while....

Me: No she couldn't lmao. Don't kid yourself. Parker's TRAINED. Sophie? No. Ahaha

Kimber: She had to have gotten into fights before....and just when her strength starts to wane, is when Parker makes her move.

Me: While I can imagine her being STRONGER than Parker, Parker is way more skilled.

Kimber: Parker wasn't trained until ELIOT... and now they're all... how did Rogers put that?..."cross-training".... Sophie might actually be better... who knows? I just think Sophie COULD be good, IF/WHEN need be. Hand-to-hand combat is just more of a last resort for Sophie. Or in your story you could mention "Eliot's been training me, too" or something.

Maggie: Well she has been taking care of herself for a long time

Kimber: Like "When did you get so good?".... "Eliot's been training me, too".... That still wouldn’t explain WHY they're fighting, though. LMAO

Me: Parker was trained before Eliot! THE STORK JOB HELLO. Eliot didn't start training her until season 2

Kimber: I don't think that was "training" so much as "fight or flight"...the kid peeking through gave her the added "boost"... the adrenaline kicked in... she HAD to take him down to help the kids escape.

Tina: Sophie in a black sports bra type shirt with the black leggings sparring with Eliot.......... *comes back to reality* Sorry tangent thought

Kimber: I think, before Eliot, it was more....Parker could defend herself, yes....but *actual* training...no. Some people are naturally good at some things.

Me: Uh, did you not see her technique? Not many people who fight just to not be killed can do cartwheel kicky things and jumping up to hold oton a bar and yada yada… I mean most people just... don't do that.

Kimber: Parker's different, though.

Me: GAH. –headdesk- JUST LET ME BE RIGHT.

Kimber: LOL. Nope! hehe

Me: PARKER IS LIKE MY DAMN LIFE. LET ME TAKE THE WIN. DAMNIT

Kimber: I'll stick to Sophie.

Tina: "Think about when you’re father died"

Kimber: ROTFLMAO

Me: That line still doesn't make sense

Kimber: Why not? *confused* They've never specifically said how old she was when she was put in the system.

Me: Because either A) she was guessing and that’s just a weird ass thing to guess (possibly even rude) or B) Parker told her this, when Parker never showed any signs of being remotely close to Sophie, especially not where it was SUPPOSED to be placed, as the fourth episode. No way Parker would let a complete stranger know her past

Kimber: Sophie reads people for a living.

Me: You can't just read that someone’s father died.

Kimber: It's probably the "back plot" the audience will never get to see.

Me: Sophie reading people doesn't make her a mind reader.

Kimber: It's not mind reading.... but... wait... *tries to remember order now*... GAH! Aired eps or DVD eps?

Me: DVD eps

Kimber: Damn, I forget both....LOL

Me: Its supposed to be 1.04 and aired its 1.09

Kimber: Yeah, but The Wedding Job was before that.

Me: Yes, so? They didn't have any bonding scenes in that ep or any eps before that. That would make it seem like Parker would trust Sophie with that information. And no, I do not buy that she "read" it from her.

Kimber: Maybe she read something at the table.... her friend's little girl.... Parker was close to her... and it was the little girl's dad in jail... maybe Sophie saw something in Parker's eyes/body language and DID guess... just turned out her guess was correct. "Educated guess"....

Me: Beth plays Parker very well when it comes to body language and mannerisms. She also has worked out Parker's backstory on her own and plays it into how Parker’ reacts to things, so if there was something about it, Beth would have played into it physically.

Kimber: We just saw the little girl go to her mom when she said "Daddy's coming home"... We never saw any of the team. A slight hint of....longing? loathing?... something... in Parker's eyes as that scene played out that we (as an audience) didn't see.

Me: Yeah huh, the girl was on Parker's lap and they smiled and clapped. Besides, Parker has total daddy issues.

Kimber: Though I do think she killed him. LOL. Probably blew up their house, too. Hence how she knew how to do it at the foster home.

Me: But I doubt she's killed anyone or then that many people... While Parker is fucked off to hell, she's not a murderer, but she would kill in a kill or be killed situation.

Kimber: She DIDN'T kill the foster, though.

Me: But if you think she killed her father, what was to stop her from killing anyone else like her foster? Once you kill, its like a drug. Or so people say >.>

Kimber: Ugh...there was one interview where Rogers claimed the foster family wasn't home when she blew up their house.... So....ONLY killing her dad wouldn't be that many people.... just one.... and maybe a few along the way as she grew up, yeah... if she had to....

Me: No I know, and it was on his blog.

Maggie: And on the commentary

Me: No, what I'm SAYING is that if she killed him, why would she not kill her abusive foster father too? Two murders is just as good as one

Kimber: Hmm...I wouldn't know...I've never technically killed anyone. So I can't say if it's like a drug or not. LOL

Me: I’m into reading into a lot of psychological profiles on serial killers and shit... and even people that just kill once, but really when you kill its like you think your God. And you'll do it again, with less hesitation the next time. My point? Parker is not a murderer. Not that I'm saying she isn't capable, she IS.

Kimber: TOTALLY! Though...now I wonder how she'd feel.... Would it affect her? If she did/has...or maybe that's some of what did effect her? IF she did kill her dad… ARGH!!! They so need to do more flashbacks!!! LMAO

Me: She'd retreat more into herself. Her psychological issues point more towards sexual abuse than being a murderer.

Kimber: Sexual AND physical. The defense mechanism...since she can fight.

Me: Well yes, physical tends to go with sexual, rape isn't non-violent.

Kimber: Well, if the person isn't struggling... With the "let 'em do it and he'll leave you alone" mentality...

Me: Parker's a fighter. She would never lay down and take it. No, she's not that fucked off.

Kimber: Also depend on how young she was, too.

Me: Everyone has the mentality to fight, it's instinct when you become so violated And yes, after time and time again it can break a persons mentality and they just SIT THERE AND LET PEOPLE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LET THEM TOUCH THEM AND LET THEM TAKE WHATEVER THE FUCK TEHY WANT AND DO WHAT THEY’RE TOLD AND... FUbdskjf DAMNIT! I'm FUCKING DONE! FUCK THIS CONVERSTAION! Djlshf

Kimber: If she was an infant when it started....NOT in the foster system yet....she could have grown up thinking that was normal.

Me: JUST STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS *is trying to calm down and stop crying*

Kimber: Huh?

Me: You don't understand! Parker wouldn't... she just wouldn't TAKE THAT SHIT LIKE I DID. She's BETTER than that!

Me: Fuck, nevermind! This has gotten entirely too personal.

And that's where that ended... and I just left. I was crying and having a slight panic attack. I totally didn't want to go there. EVER. I just... I wasn't expecting that to happen and I couldn't handle it. I can't handle someone telling me Parker might not have been strong, that she might have just taken it. I CAN'T believe that, I just can't.

Parker is better than that. She's so much STRONGER than that. And yeah she's fucked off all to hell and back, but she's OKAY. She's found something she loves and she's doing and it and she does it well, she doesn't let her fucked off past effect her like I do.

I just.. it's so stupid, but I look up to that character SO MUCH for that. For me to believe that she was exactly like me? I just CAN'T. Because then what? Then who the fuck am I? Why can't I just get past all the bullshit. I have to believe she's so much stronger than I am.

And I know none of this has ever been confirmed officially. But I see it in Parker, the way she acts and stuff. I've gone into that more in other entries so I won't now but... I'm convinced she was sexually abused as a child. But one thing I love about Leverage is that they DON'T ever tell you. As fucked up as it is, Parker being abused sexually means so much to me, and maybe someone else might have a different take on her past that means just as much, you know? But this... this is so personal and I just can't... fuck. You know what I mean.

My two favorite characters Beth has ever played? Parker and Kelly/Sue in that "Without A Trace" episodes. Why? Sexual abuse. In WAT... drugs too. That was the second thing I saw of hers after Leverage... and I was like man, I adore this woman. She portrays the emotions tied to that SO WELL its INSANE. And with Parker and Kelly/Sue it was like different sides of the spectrum. Parker's strong... Kelly/Sue isn't (she changed her name, so I'm unsure of what to call her. We'll call her Sue since thats her real name). And okay, Sue was strong in her own right. She refused to have her own daughter go through what she did and ran, which was the only thing she knew how to do. Parker fights, Sue runs. But they're both legitimate responses.

I'm just... I don't know. I have a headache now. I just have to believe Parker is strong. I have to. Parker is one of the few characters on television that have made me hopeful for my own turnout. Without that? Fuck it. I mean... really. Just fuck it.

The end.

hibernation

2009-08-25T11:32:00.002-07:00

There’s this place that I find myself fall into where I’m just scared to leave my house. It’s irrational and it doesn’t make sense, but no matter what I do I can’t make myself walk out that door. It’s starting to become a problem, mainly that my rent is due on Monday and I only have fifty dollars to my name. I haven’t worked since the 13th, and I’ve gotten ready for work FOUR TIMES since then and yet still haven’t left. I rarely do that, usually it’s the getting ready part I don’t want to do so I don’t go. It’s a long and tedious process that I just don’t want to put my effort towards.

My bipolar has been all over the place this year. Usually at this time I get manic, but I seem to just be depressed. I think my mania came back in March, but I was too skitzed out all the time to truly know the difference. Not being high is a challenge in an of it’s self, and not for the reason’s you would think. Sure, yeah I get my urges. But they’re not so bad now. What really bothers me is the productivity I’m missing now that I’m sober. I don’t seem to have the patience to do anything, and it makes me angry.

I sliced myself open all to hell at the beginning of the month and it still has yet to heal. I really hate that I’m a cutter sometimes, just because I scar from a tiny cat scratch. Take a razor blade to my skin and what do you get? Ugly scars. This is why Photoshop is my friend, but it doesn’t do much for me out in the real world. Not like I get out very much in the real world, especially these past few weeks.

I’m really lonely. But its funny, because the last thing I want is anyone around. I’ve been wishing I had a girlfriend lately, but would I ever want to spend time with them? I’m always ass deep into my computer, and a lot of the women I date like to complain about that. Plus, I really don’t want to bring anyone over here, to this house, to this empty fucking echo ridden place. I have standards, and right now I don’t even fit my own.

The only fleeting moment I had that was as close to happiness as I guess I can get right now was when Beth spoke to me over Twitter. You would think I’d be walking on a cloud for a week. Unfortunately, that moment’s passed, and I’m just over it. It was cool, it made me smile and get excited and feel like for a minute I might actually be a bit special… but now it’s over. I wish I could hold on to that, even if it was just a formality reply.

Formalities. I hate those, but I’ve been over that many, many times. But I can’t be a hypocrite about it because I do the same thing. Fans… they’re lovely, but there is always this weird energy that makes me keep my distance while still acting close. It’s too complicated to explain right now, and I’m out of cigarettes.

Which means it’s time to go, actually step outside of the house, even if it’s just across the street.

BETH SPOKE TO ME!

2009-08-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

I totally just died a little bit. lmao.

SHE SPOKE TO ME!!

I probably shouldn't be as excited about this as I am, after all she's only a person and it's only over Twitter but I CAN'T HELP IT. It totally made me squee OBNOXIOUSLY.

It made my day. My week probably lol. Shit. YAY! -prances around like an idiot-

my writing skills got proposed to

2009-08-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Oh my dearest Mary's writing skills...since I've met you my world gained another meaning. I've been dreaming with your grammar skills every night. You made me laugh over a million things. You made me think about important and not-so-important things of my past and present. Your lexical dominion made me feel a lot of feelings, from happiness to hornyness. And sadness too, but I forgive you.
I thought I'll lose it, that I could not stand being away from your digits another writers block.
With all this said *kneels down* I want you to be my wife so we can share typos and grammar errors and good sentences and better phrases for the rest of our writing life. Would you like to marry me? And if so..can you tell the rest of Mary I love her utterly and madly too? *makes puppy eyes*

Aw, see, now I feel loved lol.

I'm ENGAGED! Well.. part of me is. I demand gifts.

GIFTS NAO PLZ.

Thanks. Anything Leverage related will do lol

the little fucking whore

2009-08-02T11:17:00.001-07:00

God. I just can’t do this anymore. Any of it. All of it.

I can’t take care of myself, and it just rips me apart inside. I have to suck dick, let people finger me and you can only imagine what else and I STILL can’t FUCKING take care of myself.

I HATE this city, with it’s ten FUCKING dollar lap dances. No one makes money in there unless they whore, and I’ve found that out the hard way. Even the prettiest girls are taking home next to shit. One girl yesterday told me she only had $50 after tip out. On a Saturday. And it was busy. Always fucking busy, but so many people just go to fuck off, and the people that get dances… ten dollars. Ten damn dollars. And they barely even stack them. Like one at a time… always. Go to VIP, pathetic fucking VIP that you only get $100 for and are expected to do obscene disgusting things that make me vomit the next fucking morning.

How is it that I couldn’t even make my rent? With all the dirty shit I had to do yesterday, why is it that I only brought home $250? Really.

I want to do my life over. I wish I never came here. I wish I was still cracked out on meth 24/7 and living in that fucking hotel room. I at least made money. I worked one day a week and brought home at least $400-$500 doing next to nothing. I could pay my hotel room for another week and buy at least a gram of meth.

I MISS IT. I miss fucking having money, being able to take care of myself. Hell I miss being cracked out all to hell cause god knows right now I desperately need it. I’m so numb, I seriously don’t feel like anything or anybody right now. Such a fucking shell.

I just can’t do this, I can’t keep coming home every day and slicing myself open praying to God and crying because I want to be okay. I need stability. I just… I don’t know how long I’m gonna last.

I don’t want to be living this pathetic life.

And I can’t even hide in my little Leverage fantasy world anymore. I can’t block out my life through living in that. I don’t know why it stopped working, but it did a couple days ago. And it… doesn’t feel good. Makes me feel a bit alone, as queer as that is…

I just. Hate all of this. So much. My damn life…

give up

2009-07-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

I give up. Again. For like what? The tenth time now?

Beth joined Twitter. Finally, a way I can get in touch with her. I know I mention this in my last entry, but bear with me for a second. This does have a different point.

Why don’t I think? I mean, REALLY. Out of a thousand something followers, why would I actually think she can take the time to read them all? She works like fourteen hour days. So me @replying her is pretty pointless, isn’t it? Yeah, apparently.

I didn’t think about that before I sent her this long like ten tweet thing on Sunday morning asking her if she could please email me (yeah, I caved). I really really would like her help/input on the website. I really would. And nothing big, just small things here and there. Like, I need help expanding her bio, for one. And I don’t want it to be official, I just would like some help, if she’s interested. That’s it.

So, anyway, here I am… writing this long ass PUBLIC display of a request, where probably at least 200 of my 400 followers saw. Well okay, I don’t actually know the ratio of my own fans vs. Leverage fans (plus the few sprinkled friends/family), but whatever. A lot of people saw it, and I don’t like that. I’m very… private when it comes to this sort of thing. And I know that probably doesn’t make any sense, I’m a very public person online, but when it comes down to interacting with someone who is more publicly recognized, I like to keep things a little bit on the low. I mean, not that its happening. Whatever happens just happens and I always talk about what’s going on (if I can). But details? Yeah, that’s just I don’t know… shit no one really needs to know because people like to repeat things.

Anyway, I wait for her to email me. She doesn’t, obviously. I was going to give it a week, and then just decide she probably wants nothing to do with me. Which would suck as a whole, but it wouldn’t change much of anything. I’d still do the site and stuff, because I do like her as an ACTRESS. She’d have to seriously offend me as a person before I took everything down and said ‘fuck you.’ I mean, it’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t, even though it’d probably still crush me to some degree. Because I’m a bit lame on that front.

I still think I care far too much about what this woman, who I don’t even know mind you, thinks about me. But I can’t help it, unfortunately. I keep trying, but no success. But moving on.

So last night I come to the realization (with some help) that she probably has never seen a damn thing I’ve sent her. So that makes me wonder what the hell the point of doing it even is. There really isn’t. I don’t know, maybe I should have realized that earlier, but Amy and John and Dean have a lot of followers to and still @reply fans so I know they read theirs. Some of them have @replied me. So, I guess I just saw it as the same thing.

Yeah, probably not.

I don’t know, I just… totally give up. Quite possibly for real this time, only due to this is probably as close as I’m gonna get with her being on Twitter. And if that doesn’t work, I doubt anything will. I tried many times, many different ways to get in touch with her and it’s just not looking like it’s going to happen. So… just fuck it, I guess.

I don’t NEED her for me to keep the website running, but it would have been cool. But maybe my over enthusiasm scares people anyway, so it might be good thing that I never really talk to her. A lot of people can’t seem to realize that who I am and how I am online is nothing like how I am offline. But, it would be hypocritical of me to expect her not to judge me on that when I judge my own fans like that. Sometime’s peoples over enthusiasm of me… well it doesn’t scare me, per say (outside of one instance where I swear the guy was a stalker), but it makes me do that little smile and a thanks as a formality. I mean I’m grateful, I am, but it’s just… sometimes a bit too much.

And what I do for her? The website and the YouTube channel? Probably past the line of a bit too much.

I should really start looking at things from other people’s point of view. I think the problem is, I’ve always kind of felt like an equal when it comes to Leverage, and there’s reasons for that that I won’t get into… so it’s kind of weird for me to realize that some people might not just look at me like a person, and just look at me like a fan. Which I SHOULD be used to, I mean I’ve always had that happen with every other TV show or fandom, but I’ve been so into Leverage now that I guess I just forgot.

I AM just a fan. And it’s kind of stupid to think that I might be anyone just a little bit special. In that area anyway, I’m not speaking generally. Everyone’s a bit “special” in they’re own way, yeah? That’s what my mother always told me… -smirk-

And no, that wasn’t me being all ‘pity party’, I’m trying to say the truth here. Just… because no one ever gets that I don’t want pity. I state facts, and I state my own feelings on the matter. The two never get confused. Remember that.

I’m just disappointed. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be that one.

Disappointed.

lame

2009-07-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

The lameness of me is unsurpassed, really.

I’ve been trying to find a way to get in touch with Beth Riesgraf for what has it been now? Five, six months? I’m not sure, but it’s been awhile. I have tried EVERYTHING, and when I mean everything I mean fucking everything, people. And yesterday? She joins Twitter. And it’s not a fake… it’s her.

And now I don’t know what to say to her.

HA. Ridiculous, right? I think so too.

My problem is this: Twitter is public. I don’t want to @reply her and do it that way. Everyone sees that and I’m just… I don’t know, private, I guess. And I can’t DM her because she doesn’t follow me.

Even if I could DM her, 140 characters doesn’t help me much. I can’t make my case that I’m not a psycho in less than 140 characters LOL. You all think I’m joking, but I’m not. Trust me, I can look at it from the outside. I can put myself in her position and pretend someone made a whole YouTube channel about my character, made a fansite for me… etc etc and so on and so forth. I know how that looks from the outside, I’m not stupid. Especially since this is really her first big public gig and the whole fandom thing is probably very new to her.

So yeah, would have to make my case that I’m not a psychopath. I’m just really antisocial, bored, creative, and I enjoy her work as both and actress and a photographer. And I do really want her help maybe possibly a bit behind the scenes with the website, or something on TwentyPoundsOfCrazy, or I don’t know… something of that nature, and I don’t want to screw it up.

So. Yeah. Anyway, I don’t even know if she knows me by Sapphire Smoke anyway, and knows that’s me following her on Twitter. While I’m sure she knows OF me, have no clue if she knows my internet name. So while I can wait around and hope she contacts ME, that’s… doubtful.

So what to do, what to do? Knowing me… nothing for awhile. I’ll sit here and try to figure out some master plan and in the end… fail. Ha.

I’ve never really had an opportunity like this before. While I did for a long time run a fan website about Hudson Leick, I never talked to her about it. Whenever I saw it was in a yoga environment, and that’s just not the place for fandom stuff, you know? So I just left it alone.

Well… we’ll see how this goes. Something is bound to happen at some point, one way or the other. Either she’ll contact me, or I’ll attempt to contact her over Twitter and either be successful or fail miserably.

I think it’s the failing miserably part that makes me not want to fuck with anything. It’s one thing to know you might have a chance for a really cool opportunity like this, another to know it’ll never happen. That would suck, but it’ll be what it is in the end, right?

So… we’ll see how this goes.

HARRY POTTER 6!

2009-07-20T11:11:00.001-07:00

MY WIFE IS THE SEXIEST FUCKING CREATURE ON THIS PLANET. OH. MY. GOD. JUST… SERIOUSLY. ORGASMS? YES. PLEASE.

What’s more… the SERIOUS Blackcest moment? YES! The way Narcissa’s crying, looking half terrified at Snape as Bellatrix rests her chin on her shoulder and looks at her in this way that… god just TOTALLY sums up the nature of their relationship (well, if it was sexual anyway – which in my mind? Totally is. Yes I’m a dirty dirty bitch who likes Harry Potter sister sex lol). Bellatrix looks at her almost as if she wants to toy with her, but already knows that she owns her. It’s just SO FUCKING SEXY. GOD. I need a screenshot! Actually no, I need a GIF image of that. Iconage? YES PLEASE.

To be honest though, it would have been a million times sexier if they didn’t cast Helen McCrory as Narcissa. Narcissa is supposed to be younger than Bellatrix! So why WHY WHY WHY does she look WAY older (and like a fucking shrew, I mean really)? And she’s supposed to have long flowing blonde hair and be beautiful if not for looking like a totally bitchy snob… AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF SHIT IS WITH HER SKUNK HAIR?! I mean HONESTLY.

It really is a shame Narcissa is portrayed so… unfitting for her character. God. They only gave it to her because she got all knocked up when she was supposed to play Bellatrix. THANK GOD THAT SHE DIDN’T.

Helena Bonham Carter is just… is just so… so… GOD. I want her. But moving on…

I love Bellatrix… my wife (don’t judge me, fools)… due to her being so like a child all the time. She just always wants to play! And yes her games are terrifying and tend to kill people, but she just has so much fun doing them! SHES MADE OF SO MUCH WIN IT’S UNBELIEVABLE.

But. So. The movie as a whole. I’ve got to say, much better than Order of the Phoenix. That movie (outside of my lover) was… just badly done. The acting was hideous. And while the acting blew on a couple parts of this movie, overall it wasn’t a suck-fest. Though the whole Harry/Ginny thing was supposed to be … you know, epic and shit. They date! And then they break up at the end. The movie? One lame ass kiss. Really? REALLY? THAT’S GONNA BE HIS WIFE & THEY’RE GONNA BEAR LITTLE ALBUS SEVERUS… (and others lol) – HAVE SOME RESPECT!

Dumbledore’s death scene didn’t make me cry – unlike the book. They fucked up that whole thing. I mean, the epic battle in Hogwarts? Completely gone! They randomly put in a scene that NEVER HAPPENED when Bellatrix and Greyback come and burn the Weasley’s house to the ground. The point of that? I don’t know. I won’t bitch too much though – it was an excuse to see more of my Bella.

HOWEVER. I just… can’t believe they cut out the battle of Hogwarts. I mean what was the point of the Death Eaters coming then? They like run up the stairs with Draco and then after Dumbledore dies they all run away. I did enjoy the performance of Tom Felton (Draco) though; he played the struggle with it very well. I think he might have been the best actor throughout the whole thing (besides HBC of course), which is saying something because most of the time I find him horrid. Emma Watson wasn’t so bad with her being devastated over Ron, I actually found it mildly believable, when most of the time I find myself rolling my eyes at her crying.

Harry vs. Snape wasn’t that well done either. Though I did enjoy Harry vs. Draco with the Secrumsempra spell, even if there should have been WAY more blood.

The scary dead creatures coming out of the water? Actually scary. They freaked me the FUCK out. And I jumped a fucking mile when the hand first came out of the water. Though after awhile slightly reminded me of Gollum from LOTR lol

RONS GIRLFRIEND LAVENDER WAS MADE OF WIN. She was JUST as annoying in the movie as she was in the books lol “Won-Won”

Slughorn should have been fatter. Really. Like, much much fatter.

Snape continues to amuse me with his epicly long pauses between words lol. And they threw in part of a scene that isn’t supposed to show up until the end of Deathly Hallows… but I guess just to move things along in the (not next I’m sure, but the last) movie, so you can reference the conversation between him and Dumbledore, even though you don’t know at this point what it was really about. Well, we all do cause we read the books, but you know.

Of course, me and Nicole have this horrible problem of being obnoxious to everyone else in the theater when we see these things with our little comments to each other that makes us laugh. For example:

(it’s a tense moment – Dracos all omg watch me cry I have to kill you Dumbledore because… dun dun dunnnnnnnn…..)

Draco: I’ve been chosen! –shows his arm with the dark mark-
Me: So have I! –holds out my arm with my dark mark tattoo-
Nicole: -snorts, almost spits out drink, and tries very hard not to laugh- Oh my god, I’m gonna remember that for the rest of my life.

Seriously, sometimes I don’t know where this shit comes from lol. I also talked an awful lot about Bellatrix’s boobs. But I mean COME ON. She’s in a freaking CORSET. She gets all out of breath and her chest is heaving and I’m just like damn, look at her boobs. LOL

She still needs to get some work done of those teeth of hers though…

Anyway. I need this damn movie. I need to make another Bellatrix video! My last one was lost during the great sapphiire demise from YouTube lol. So sad too… that was great. I loved it. Damn.

Overall, decent movie, but will never live up to the book (like the rest of them…) Now, back to writing Blackcest. Oh yes, oh yes. I love, I love.

Idiots

2009-07-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

As Parker, a socially inept break-in specialist, Beth Riesgraf is terrible, and, with her shameless mugging and clueless overacting, she manages to upset the equilibrium of many of the scenes she’s in. It’s bad enough that she’s not even close to being in Hutton’s league, but it’s cringe-inducing when she’s not even in Kane’s.

- From THIS BULLSHIT REVIEW

You know, I really despise ignorant people. I do.

Maybe if this woman, oh, I don’t know… watched something else Beth has acted in. Shit, anything she has acted in other than just Leverage, maybe she’d get a fucking clue.

It drives me insane how people will assume she’s a bad actress due to Parker being so socially retarded and awkward. Yes, Parker is loud and can’t shut her mouth and doesn’t understand tone half the time. But that’s Parker, not Beth.

Or are we pretending actors are their characters again? Because if we are, please send me that memo so I can go hunt down Eliza Dushku and beg to get into Faith’s pants.

Because really, that would make my day. I’m just saying.

The last thing I have ever seen Beth do is over act. And I’m not just some clueless fangirl who likes her just because I want to get into her pants – because I don’t. The woman is legitimately a good fucking actress, and I wouldn’t do half the shit I do for her if she wasn’t.

The “Without a Trace” episode she was in? Fucking brilliant. “The Summer of My Deflowering” (which I haven’t seen the entire thing of still – but what I have seen?) amazing. Etc, etc, and so on a so fucking forth.

She’s not a type actress. When I see her characters I can actually see different characters. You know how some people you see them and you just see the actor? I see the characters she portrays, not her. If that makes sense.

And I just think it’s bullshit when people don’t take the time out of their day to actually research what the hell they’re assuming. I really do.

And yes, I know I’m being overprotective of a woman I don’t know. But you know what? I got her back – and she knows it. She says that, apparently. And I do! It’s completely ridiculous and yes I am loud and obnoxious enough to bitch about it publicly. I mean if I’m not, who will? Lol.

Try me, fuckers. I’m not nice.

And on a side note: talking shit about Christian Kane? Yeah, this bitch obviously doesn’t know her head from her own ass.

[END RANT]

obsessions

2009-07-10T18:37:00.001-07:00

See, why did I think I could just post little short blurb on Twitter and just be done with it? HA. The way I write? Please. I didn’t want to make two entries in one day, but I was actually supposed to put this in my last one but forgot.

Let’s get one thing PERFECTLY clear here: I am bipolar. Okay? I have legitimate fucking bipolar type I disorder. And along with that comes really intense focusing on a subject (aka obsession)… which at the moment is Leverage. Obviously.

I really want everyone to fuck the hell off right now that say that they are worried about it. Because you know what? You have no idea how far I’ve come, thank you. Don’t even begin to insult me by thinking that I’m going to go stark ass nuts because of it. You know how it started? Do you?

Christina Aguilera. Fourteen years old. And yes, THAT one was scary. I will fully admit it. I look back at my journal and cringe at how fucking INSANE I was over that woman. And if I had the resources than yeah I probably would have stalked the woman. I worshiped her. I was delusional as fuck, and I thank GOD now that I never met her.

But I was fourteen, and it was when the bipolar first established itself in its worst form – during teenage crazy hormones. Yeah, I was unhealthily obsessed with that woman.

But then came Xena… and with Xena came the Xena convention and doing yoga with Hudson. That there actually for some reason slapped me in the face by reality and I stopped getting obsessed with actual people. Because for a little while I was with Hudson, but I met her and it stopped instantly. Like, I still love her as an actress, and now as an adult having had the privalege to be taught by her I have a lot of respect her, but I’m not even close – on the other fucking side of the obsession thing. Okay?

Yes, I get wicked obsessed with fandom things. Buffy, Harry Potter, and now Leverage. But you know what? It’s fiction, thank you. So I don’t in anyway find it creepy, or something I should get help for. My obsessions are the one thing in my life that MAKES ME HAPPY. Okay? And yes, I OBSESS. I think about it a lot, I do a lot of fucking things about it, and I talk about it constantly. BUT IT MAKES ME HAPPY. So leave me alone, okay? Shit.

And fuck, most every bipolar person suffers with obsessions. I give myself a big ass pat on the FUCKING back that I’m not one of the people that get obsessed with people. Delusions of love and all this crap that I’ve read some people do… and yes, I do have tendencies. I will admit that. Another reason why I don’t date much, I think I just get too invested too quickly, honestly. And I don’t like that, so I protect myself and the other person from it. But look, I work SO HARD to fight them. Hence why I beat the shit out of myself in my head recently when I feel I’m starting to get that way with Beth. I suppress it, I manage it, and when I meet her it’ll all just go away anyway so who CARES?

For the love of Christ, just leave me alone.

Even my mother doesn’t worry about it, and she used to worry over Christina and Xena, and yes while Christina was valid, she’s learned slowly through out each one that it’s just what I do. I’m not fucking dangerous, people. I live in my own head and use some fantasy world someone else created to do it. Hell, I’m too damn lazy to be dangerous ANYWAY. I mean really lol. The only thing my mom does worry about is that they won’t even amount to anything and that I’m just wasting my time. And maybe I am, but I enjoy it.

I want to kill myself almost every fucking day, people. I’m not lying about that. My obsessions take me out of reality and I can just fucking be HAPPY for once.

This is why I stopped taking my medication you know. They stopped the obsessions, and without the obsessions I get insanely depressed.

What I worry about, honestly, is when the obsession stops. It will, they all do. At some point, in six months, a year, maybe two… I’ll be obsessed with something else… and while I will still enjoy Leverage and watch it every week, I will take myself COMPLETELY out of the fandom. I’ll be too busy with something else.

I keep wanting to get my Harry Potter one back. I miss that one, I had so much fun with that one… but apparently I can’t juggle two, and I don’t want to get rid of Leverage either.

Haha, I say that like I have a choice of when they’ll come and go and how long they stay.

Anyway, my point is… leave me alone. I have a brain disorder, so I can’t just STOP. Okay? Thanks.

fucking give up, man. really

2009-07-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

I think somewhere subconsciously I want to fuck up everything good. Like, I’m being very serious here. Like obviously I don’t want to, I love what I’m doing and how my life is going (now, anyway) and yet… I somehow still fuck things up. Why is that? I mean, really.

I just give up. Really. All the lying. Its all bullshit anyway, right? I just can’t do it. I have like this issue where I have to be honest all the time, which is ridiculous because I used to lie so much as a child.

Outed. Didn’t deny it. I just can’t, I can’t just… I don’t know. And I know its bad, I know I wasn’t supposed to, and I know I’m probably gonna get yelled at. I think for some reason I just maybe wanna have this person just stop thinking I’m so… fucking… I don’t know. Good. I’m just not. I hate who I am. I don’t get why people like me and have faith in me when I’m just shit, honestly. But at the same time I don’t wanna fuck it up, but I just did anyway so… I’m just an idiot. Honestly. I hate myself and subconsciously feel the need to destroy good things in my life.

Least, that’s how it’s looking. I mean god. But I didn’t wanna lie about it, I did do it, and I’m so proud of it… I really really am. And I just… fuck. I don’t know.

And yesterday, here’s the kicker people… yesterday at work I realized that much to my dismay Faith and Parker are not different. I’m sorry, and I know none of you understand this – but I’m not one of those strippers that just gets paid to get naked. I don’t look good naked, I just don’t, okay? And for once no one tell me that’s bullshit, because honestly none of you have seen me naked. Naked pictures? Yeah, called photoshop… thanks.

And I’ve become such a cheap whore too. It’s ridiculous. Stupid Atlanta and the cheapness of nakedness. Got fucking fingered for only $140. I mean, hell. I used to get paid $200. What the fuck. But it’s the standard VIP price.

I don’t give handjobs, blowjobs, or dish out sex. But yeah, whatever, put your damn fingers in me. Like I even care. Like I can even feel it anymore due to my body becoming so numb.

This is why I don’t have sex anymore, guys. It’s all such bull that I really don’t feel it anymore. There is no pleasure. It’s just there to make money.

But I can’t just give dances. No one wants dances from the fat girl. I look at all these beautiful skinny women and I can only hope one day that I’ll be skinny enough to not have to do the things I do. Hence the diet pills. Hence trying to finally do something about it. I’m sick of doing the shit I do. I’m paranoid as hell as it is anyway.

I feel like shit right now. I just need to get yelled at I guess. The pressure of waiting is killing me anyway. I fucked up, I was honest about it, said sorry, and I’m just expecting… anger. So, yeah. Go ahead. I’m ridiculously fucked up on so many counts.

I’ll never be happy with anything… with myself… will I?

Sapphire Smoke sucks

2009-07-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

Okay so I wrote this yesterday before work. And while I don't feel COMPLETELY this way today (mainly more due to me being hung over and shit and don't care about anything at all at the moment)... I was really REALLY upset yesterday. Like, bad. So because this was a big deal for me yesterday I'm still gonna post it. And yes, I do feel this way still on some kind of level, but not crazy intensely so like I did yesterday. But it's always there. Underneath or whatever.

___________________________________

I know I shouldn’t let shit like this get to me, but it does. I’m too sensitive, it should be a crime.

Now I feel stupid for even posting that video – do I really have no right to be insulted? Should I just take it because I’m attractive and therefore lucky? Why do I suddenly not have a right to feel what I feel?

“Fishing for compliments”… right. No, saying “I’m ugly” when I’m NOT would be fishing for compliments. I don’t need compliments; I get them all the time, and more than half the time don’t even want them. They’re all superficial and mixed with ulterior motives anyway. It’s not full of myself to know I’m pretty – it’s just a fact. Just like the sky is blue. Seriously, that’s how I see it. Just like it’s a fact that I am overweight – which then honestly bothers me when people say I’m not.

What people online fail to realize is that I’m very good at photoshop. My stomach and thighs do not look the way I present them online. I’m vain, and am not happy with my own body so I fix it. I wear a damn body shaper under my clothes too. My stomach doesn’t look the way it does in videos, I fix it cause I’m not happy with it. Hence why I’m popping diet pills all the time, I mean come on people.

And it shouldn’t bother me… this person isn’t subscribed to my videos – probably doesn’t even watch Leverage. They just subscribed to my “RuiningYourSelfImage” channel (for stalking purposes maybe? Weird) and you know what? I expect assholes there. I can deal with that for some reason. But when it’s on my Parker channel I get so offended and get really upset – hence the video about the emails I’ve gotten.

It just insulted me and I think I had the right to say something about it. I don’t need anyone to tell me that my fics/videos are good. I know people enjoy them; I get comments on them all the time. I just wanted people to be like ”They’re assholes.” Yeah, that would make me feel better. If I was fishing for anything, it’d be confirmation that it was just a rude thing to do. And yes, now I’m fishing or just hoping for people to tell me I’m right to make me feel better about doing it, and I don’t understand how one comment can just ruin everything for me. I felt better after making that video and then that comes along and I just want to take it down now.

I’m so fucking SENSITIVE. Jesus lord.

Those emails really upset me, and I’ve told some people about them and brushed them off for awhile but the last one just… really angered me so I decided to do something about it. I don’t want to be looked at like some dumb bitch who’s getting paid to advertise something.

I really REALLY love Leverage. I do. It just… upsets me that people think I’m doing what I do for other reasons.

I dunno. I wish I never put it up now. Even if I think I have a valid reason to be insulted by it all, I don’t want to be looked at like a conceited bitch.

It’s just a stupid fact. I should start doing videos with no makeup on, no fake hair, some big oversized t shirt, and just looking like ass – but I’m too vain for all of that. Wish I wasn’t.

I feel like I have no right to feel the things I do anymore.

I used to love being an attention whore online, which is why I made up the whole “Sapphire Smoke” persona or even a bit of a franchise since I make money from doing some things with that name. I’ve never been good with real life attention but online attention used to make me feel good. Mainly because I started it when I did finally realize I was pretty.

I didn’t used to always look this way guys, or at least it never seemed that way by the way people were to me. My self esteem was shot to fuck and back in middle school and high school. I was unpopular, picked on… it was a really horrible time for me, okay? I never dated, I have never in my life gotten asked to a school dance… never went to prom. I’ve never even STILL in my whole like slow danced with another person. Never. I don’t even know if I could do it. I’ve been taken out of two official dates my whole life. Two.

I don’t want to sound like a cliché, like some late bloomer or whatever, but it’s the truth. I was never anyone special as a teenager. Which is stupid, because I still pretty much looked the same, but I guess no one thought I was pretty then. No one ever told me so except my freaking mother lol. So when I moved to Texas, started modeling because for some reason people thought I’d be good at it… yeah I got really really into myself and how I looked. I never had that, so it was something new.

Yes, I still enjoy modeling. I still enjoy feeling beautiful, but I’ve begun to not like the compliments now. I already know, okay? I just enjoy looking pretty for myself now, and it really just kind of ruins it to be honked at constantly and hit on by weird strangers and I’m just… I’m so much of a loner, I always just want to be left the fuck alone, that I can’t handle it in real life. And even online it hasn’t even begun to really matter. I take those pictures because now I just… I LOVE feeling that way, even for a moment. Beauty is something, still after only four years of slowly realizing it, that I do enjoy for myself.

But that’s why the whole sapphiire YouTube channel was so catered to and my RuiningYourSelfImage one isn’t now. I was still so into it all, into all the attention, and now I’m just… not. I don’t want to be internet famous anymore, I just fucking don’t. Especially when I started to realize it can spill into my real life where I just feel uncomfortable about it all. And it even makes me feel weird now to have fans. Yeah at first it was a huge ego boost… but I feel bad for these little girls that look up to me, that think I’m fucking amazing for being a drug addicted stripper. I mean, really? I just don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to look up to someone like me.

I used to love being Sapphire Smoke, and I just don’t anymore. And it’s a big problem for many reasons. Everything online I do is under that name and online is the only place I love, the only place I really have friends. I love doing fanfic and making videos and doing my websites and if I was to completely disappear, make that NAME completely disappear… I lose a lot of stuff I worked so hard on. I’d have to disappear online. No more websites, no more fan fiction, no more twitter, no more myspace, no more anything. It would all just have to be gone.

But it bothers me, this stupid fucking name. I have something’s I have worked so hard on, that I am SO proud of… as MARY, not as Sapphire Smoke… and I can’t tell anyone online because of my stupid name and how it links to everything. Online is all I really know, it’s horrible. You know, people are reposting things I did on other sites that are all under my real full name… and I want to be like “That’s me!” and thank them for all the nice things they’re saying, because god it feels so good… but I can’t. The problem is what I made it though: I continued to use “Sapphire Smoke” in my fandoms, and I shouldn’t have. That was my own fault. Because my fandoms have nothing to do with Sapphire Smoke, they have to do with Mary.

And Sapphire Smoke ruins any chance of any television networks to ever take me seriously. I’m a huge over excited fan and I express my love of things through whatever – websites, YouTube channels, ect… and I get why I can’t link Sapphire Smoke to my real name because of that. People think I’m insane, that Sapphire Smoke is fucking insane, but I’m just passionate.

But maybe I’m stupid to think I could ever be professionally involved in television production. I’m not a very professional person now, am I?

It used to not matter when I was just a stripper, but I’m not anymore, and I have other things I wanna be – other things I wanna do in my life that I’m just crippled by because of that name and what I’ve done with it.

I guess it just upsets me because my fandoms are the one thing that I truly enjoy in life. I have so much fun doing them – but they really fuck me all up don’t they?

Even being so public in the Leverage fandom is starting to make me feel awfully uncomfortable. I used to love it, I did… a lot. It made me feel special and important and all that great shit… and while I still feel like it’s cool, there’s just parts about it that I hate now. I feel like I have to watch what I say and become this other person so I don’t look like a queer so obnoxiously and publicly. Even geeking out in my favorite fandom for me is becoming not fun. I can’t sit here and say the things I want to say because people will see them. Certain people will see them, and yet at the same time everyone will see them. Well okay not EVERYONE, but you know what I mean. A lot of people. And I just want to crawl in a hole right now.

It’s really a lot to do with Beth. Because I’m so public within there I beat up on myself HORRIBLE when I get fan girlish over her. Like I seriously get so mad at myself when I say stupid things like that publicly, mainly because 1) I hate being a fangirl in general, its something I’ll get out of my system once I meet her because then she’ll be real (I know it sounds stupid, but its how my brain works and it’s been like this with everyone I’m a fan of) and 2) I absolutely 100% in no fucking way want Beth or anyone else on the show for that matter to view me in that way. I really really would like to get her involved in the website somehow, even in a small ways, I don’t want the official title anymore due to then it would be something I’m required to do and that makes it less fun… but being the creepy fangirl that is all “OMG!” over her won’t do that.

And I need to get over it, and I WILL, I know I will which is what pisses me off more that I’m doing it now. But it’s just… I don’t know… It’s always what I do at first. And I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be the weirdo fan, I really appreciate and enjoy her work as an actress and don’t want her to feel weird around me, or hell anyone else because of that. I mean I get people feeling weird around me due to my blunt honesty and problem where my brain doesn’t connect to my mouth properly, and that’s fine because that’s just me. So I guess I feel pressured to not be like that now, the fangirl thing, which is hard for me because I share absolutely everything online. And while it’s never been a problem before, I’m paranoid as FUCK that she’ll see it somewhere. I mean she watches my channel, or has before, and I’m not guessing, I KNOW that. She’s seen my website. What else has she seen? It freaks me out now. It was way cool at first, but now it makes me question a lot of other shit.

I’m just awfully paranoid now about everything – and I just need to change myself because the publically of it. I already now feel like I’m doing too much for Beth… but at the same time I know she appreciates it, I just don’t know just how far is too far, you know? Got the website, a YouTube channel, and a fanlisting. I’ve already fucking overdone it I think, but I really am just big into completing things, having it all, and having my website for her ALWAYS be the best even if others pop up. I’m competitive in that area, bad.

This name has totally fucked me in so many ways, but to be fair on the Leverage front even if I didn’t have the name I’d still be just as public. It wasn’t due to the name, it was due to the YouTube channel at first. So… I still fucked myself anyway.

I just kinda wanna disappear. I’m probably sounding like a selfish bitch, I know a lot of other people would love to be in the position I am but I’m just so… terrified of it recently. I wish I wasn’t. But it’s been freaking me out really bad… all of it.

I mean, my fandoms are a private and personal thing. The LAST thing I want ANY of them to know is that I slash them all up to hell in fanfic and write about them having sex. And yes, I have plots, I’m not a complete pervert. I have really good plots in some and some kinda bullshit ones in others. Kinda hit or miss with me. Anyway, yeah, don’t need anyone to know that. It makes me look like a pervert, but really the reason I do them is because I don’t let laid else where, I have a lot of intense sexual energy and if there’s one thing I know how to do with everything I have in me is turn it into something creative, and it makes me happy that other people enjoy it.

But if any of them know that – I’ll die of embarrassment. That’s just… private.

I’ve been all perving out on Gina Bellman too (where did I come up with ‘perving out’? That’s such a horrible way to express that lol), which I’d rather SHE not know, but it won’t be so horrible if she does. I’m really not out to impress her, what she thinks really doesn’t matter to me. I like her work, she is an AMAZING actress… but I really won’t be too fussed if she thinks I’m weird.

Which then makes me question why the fuck I should care if Beth does.

I just feel stupid. Honestly. I don’t know this woman, but I guess it’s cause for once I want to take the only good thing about being public – having her know who I am – and try to use it for something really cool like having her involved. It would be really bad ass for me, and I don't wanna screw up that chance, you know? I mean, I don’t want to be friends with her or anything, I don’t like friends, don’t want friends except for online. I can’t handle real life friendships for some reason. So I’m not delusional or anything, I do think what I want is pretty valid and doable… but then there’s the whole… thing I hate. Fangirl bullshit publicness that is the bad part of this whole thing.

I’m going in circles. I just feel uncomfortable right now. That’s it. The end.

too pretty to be smart/a lesbian?

2009-07-05T12:11:00.001-07:00

I am so sick of having to explain or defend myself due to my “beauty.”

First it’s that I have to be some kind of marketing scam for Leverage because “I’m too beautiful to do all the stuff I claim to do.” CLAIM? CLAIM! Really, dude? That was putting in nicely. But basically, I’m too pretty to spend all my time writing fanfic and making fan videos and sites instead of I don’t know, going out with my non existent friends and acting a fool like most twenty two year old pretty women. Right, cause that makes sense. Thanks for stereotyping me and pretty much saying that because I’m pretty I don’t have a brain.

I’m an Aquarius, look up the fucking definition. Pretty much says I’m a loner and spend most of my time in my own head and do all this creative bullshit that usually never amounts to crap. Really. What I look like doesn’t have anything to do with what I enjoy. Maybe I’m a fucking anomaly but hell, I’m sorry. It’s just who I am.

I was thinking about making a video about that, to express my annoyance. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten shit like that said to me on YouTube. And it’s not like I haven’t gotten ignorant letters before, I have, all the time in fact on my sapphiire channel. But for some reason I just take them so much more personally on TwentyPoundsOfCrazy. Maybe because I’m not a fucking personality, I didn’t start it for popularity or for whatever else, I started it honestly… out of love and REALLY intense boredom one day (I get bored and I need a new project lol). But TPOC is for my geeky side. For the side of me that is incredibly personal for me. So yes, I take offense that you think I’m too stupid to do it myself. That I’m just a face to draw attention. That’s ridiculous.

But on the flip side, I’m also not ignorant myself to know that the attention I get even on there isn’t partly due to how I look. I know I’m not the standard geek, and it does intrigue people I guess, or at least I’ve been told. I know if I wasn’t “beautiful” by societies standards and I still made vlogs then no, I wouldn’t get as much attention as I do. Sadly enough looks do tie into a lot, and I do accept that and capitalize on it, but I will no accept people thinking me too stupid to do the shit I work my ass off to do.

If I get the effort I’ll make a video, but who knows. With me, you never know anymore. Plus, I’d have to get myself all riled up and pissed off again. Won’t be very pretty. Informative, but not pretty. But apparently I’m hot when I’m angry, so who knows, might use that to my advantage! –eye roll-

Then…. OH AND THEN.

Nicole’s birthday party. Fun times, yay for that. We got over to another party after she gets off work, kinda a hippy party. Drums, weed, dancing, chilling. Love it. Anyway, it’s four fucking am and I’m tired so I lay down on a bench and Nicole goes off and leaves me here with this guy.

He seemed cool… until he started basically GRILLING me on my sexuality.

I mean first he was hitting on me. The whole “You look beautiful when you’re sleepy” kind of crap. I got called a “delicate flower” last night too, which made me laugh. A LOT. Anyway, so I’m like “Thanks” in that dull way that I do, and I know it sometimes makes me sound like a snob, but it’s just that I hear crap like that over and over in my life that it just gets old. So it’s more of an automatic formality. Mainly due that I don’t think anyone who ever tells me I’m beautiful does it just because they’re stating a fact or just being honestly compassionate, they’re all just doing it cause they want in my pants.

Anyway, so his friend was being nice to me earlier, and after he left this guy was basically all like “Well he’s got a woman, you shoulda been talking to me.” And of course I was like dude, I’m a celibate lesbian, no point who I talk to. And of course that brings him on this whole thing about how I “can’t be a lesbian because I’m just too beautiful.”

What does that have to do with anything? I’m sorry, are you jealous your missing out? Don’t know why, not like I get laid from anyone anyway. Not like I even want to, really.

And it’s just crap, he just kept saying shit like that, like I don’t know my own fucking sexuality all due to me being an attractive woman. Really? You’ve known me for all of fifteen minutes.

The best (aka, the worst) thing that came out of his mouth was: “I could masturbate right now sitting here talking to you.”

That was the point where I left. I’ll take a lot, but that was just… I mean who the hell says that to someone they just met? What am I supposed to say? “Thanks”? I mean, wtf?

I just don’t understand why me being pretty makes it impossible for me to be the person that I am. I’m sorry I should have been born uglier. Shit.

I don’t know… it’s just all crap really.

2009-07-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

This was written yesterday... but then my internet went out. Just an FYI.

_________________________________________

When I went to the store yesterday before work to go get cigarettes I saw Nicole drive by. She honked. We haven’t spoken since we yelled at each other in the car when she dropped me off on Wednesday. She knows I didn’t go to the interview though, seeing me on a curb at quarter past six was a dead give away since the interview was fifteen minutes prior to that. I feel bad about pissing her off, but this is my life. I can work this weekend, make the money for my license come Monday, and finally take care of myself again. You don’t know how good it feels for me to have money again, money I worked my ass off for.

It was kind of intoxicating to walk into the club with all the music and all the lights and all the pure energy that surrounded it. I had to wait though until the night manager came in, so I sat around for about an hour. Got a customer to buy me some drinks before I even officially became a stripper, which worked well for my benefit because he was the first guy I gave a dance to. He also paid me double for that one and the second one I gave him later, I don’t know why. I did tell him it was ten dollars (plus tips – always gotta add that lol).

The girls all seemed nice; no one hated me right off which was a nice change. I also don’t socialize too much though, I do say hi and I did compliment one girl on her dress because it was fabulous, but other than that I’m there to work and getting along with the other girls isn’t a major priority.

Since Nicole didn’t get me a corset, my fat ass only wore the dress. I still didn’t think it fit my figure, and even during lap dances I eventually had to take it off since my boobs wouldn’t stay out of it because it’s a loose low dip neck. I hate being completely naked, I don’t like how I look, but I wasn’t the only thick girl dancing either. To be fair though, the other one was bigger than I was, but she was more proportionate. Really I just hate my love handles, that’s the one thing I can’t deal with. I really wouldn’t care about being a bit thicker if only my body was proportionate. There’s a gym right by my house though, so I’ll be going to that once I have enough money. I’m sick of the way I look naked. My body has so much more potential than this.

Dancing in Atlanta is a bit different. Since the lap dances are cheaper it’s a lot easier to get them. Which while is good, I still feel like I do double the work for my money. The stage rotation though; I like it. In Dallas you would go from stage to stage to stage directly, here you do three on main, wait an hour or so until they call you to the bar stage and do three there, and then wait another hour or so and do another three on the last stage. It gives you breaks in between, it’s nice. I still fear the bar though, I’m convinced I’m going to fall off of it. And people are drinking and eating on there, I’m just waiting until I kick something over with my intoxicated ass.

I have to admit, it was a bit weird to be called Parker all day. I’ve changed stripper names quite a few times, and I can usually jump right into them. But everytime I hear Parker I still think of Beth, and get confused when someone’s calling me. I almost introduced myself as Faith a couple times too. The sad thing is, I realized “Parker” isn’t that much different from “Faith.” Changing my name doesn’t change my alter ego.

I manipulate the hell out of people, I hustle like nobody’s business, and one thing I am proud of and always will be proud of - I give one of the best lap dances you will ever have in your life, and I don’t even need to get naked for it. I’ll be the first to admit I suck on stage, but my lap dances are fucking killer. I do so much with my eyes, my lips, my tongue, just my expressions and small touches that aren’t even obscene in any way, just seductive. I personalize everything for the customer; I don’t just get naked and dance in front of you. I make it seem like you’re the only person that matters. I am skilled in the art of seduction, which is really what saves me from not being a size six.

I’m a liar though. I’m the most honest liar you will ever meet. I’ll be honest about everything about myself – what I do and what I’m about – but ask me to come chill out with you after work and I’ll say I will, and have absolutely no intention of doing so. I make you stay to the end of the night to give me all your money and then slip out the back. I know it’s wrong, but honestly I don’t know how someone could really think that someone they just met would go hang out with them at three in the morning. The only reason I can think of for someone to think that is to assume I’m either a) stupid or b) a whore, and if they think either of those things than they deserve to be conned.

The one thing I stupidly forgot about though is that when you take significant time off, it’s almost exactly like when you first start dancing. Take me: the non athletic, laziest person on the face of this planet. I don’t move unless I have to, and even then I do it with a scowl. So I don’t know why I was so shocked that I woke up this morning and couldn’t move. I’m serious. It’s like working out your whole body when you haven’t moved really in four months. It’s pain… everywhere. And I know it’s going to still be painful on Saturday when I go to work, but I’ll still have to. I need to make the money for my license, and shit, now my internet since the people I was stealing from decided to password it. And I won’t be working Sunday or Monday, due to Nicole’s birthday and then my other work I need to do on Monday.

I’m gonna be working my damn ass off. It’s been almost a year and a half since I used to work a steady schedule. It used to be Wednesday thru Saturday, and hell I used to take home at least $2500 within that time. I don’t expect that much money anymore, because let’s be realistic, the economy isn’t what it used to be. But even if I take home as little as $1000 a week working Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, then I should be okay to go home at the end of the month, be okay to fix this whole mess my life has become. And why not Wednesday thru Saturday, you ask? Ha, if you don’t know that, then you clearly don’t pay attention to the obsession side of my life.

Even last winter, I never worked on The Closer or Leverage nights. I just didn’t. It’s like a weekly holiday or something for me.

You know what I can’t wait for? Furniture. A damn living room… this apartment is so beautiful, I only hope I can decorate it as such. You know what I’d like but doubt will happen this year? I would love to go up to Portland to see Leverage being filmed, maybe at the end of August. I mean hell I could make the plane tickets in a night, the hotel and all other expenses in another. But while I’m sure I could, I don’t know if I should. I do have a lot of things to take care of here before I start planning vacations, but I don’t know… it’d make me happy, you know? I know that’s really lame, but it would.

Leverage has been a lot of things for me. It’s funny, because for a very long time Xena was the show that changed my life, and while yes, it did, and yes I still recognize that and respect it, I never really thought another would. I don’t usually get so directly impacted by… shit, anything really. I mean yeah things make me happy, I’ll get involved in fandoms, but for it to directly affect my own personal life is a rarity.

Xena made me for the first time realize it’s okay that I’m gay. And I know it’s not a gay show as such, but that’s really what made me feel okay with everything. It was just so normal; the love between Xena and Gabrielle was so natural, that it just made me feel good about myself. And yeah, the relationship is still questionable and it could be arguable that they weren’t lovers, but after awhile Lucy and Renee started playing it up because of the large lesbian following the show had. And what I love about it is that they didn’t play it up for ratings, they played it naturally. Like actual lesbians. I don’t know if that makes any sense. It was obscene or anything.

But not only that, Xena was the reason I was introduced to Hudson, who I recently actually wrote a letter to express my gratitude for all that she’s done for me, since I felt it was time. I won’t pretend I know her that well, but she was the first to ever try to help me out of my own shit hole. She was compassionate to someone she barely knew, and I will always remember that and respect her and love her for that. She was also how I realized that ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist. I had idol worship when I was younger, and she made me realize that everyone are just… people. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it was important for me to realize.

Leverage, when I first got into the fandom, it actually was my anti drug. It was the first time in a significant period that I had managed to clean myself up for a whole month and a half. And yes, I did fall off the wagon eventually, but for some reason it was for awhile. Maybe due to it putting my focus somewhere else besides my rapidly declining life, but it made me happy. With all the shit I was going through, it made me legitimately happy. It’s funny, when I first watched it I thought yeah, it was a cool show, and maybe something I’ll take the time out of my week to watch, but I never thought it would do… this.

I write a lot of Parker/Sophie fanfiction. And while maybe it’s a bit unhealthy that I like to live in this fantasy world and write about stuff I only wish could come true in my own life, but when I write about them I do feel this little glimmer of hope that maybe one day I might have something like that. And no, I don’t ever want them to get together on the show. If it isn’t clear with my other epic couples I like to write about (Xena/Gabrielle, Buffy/Faith) it’s all about the subtext. I don’t know why that is, but I rarely ever like canon lesbian couples. I do wish Beth and Gina played it up a bit more, I see more subtext with Eliot and Hardison with the looks Aldis and Christian will throw every now and then than I do with Parker and Sophie, honestly. I do think Gina plays it up a bit more than Beth does, which is funny because logically it would follow that Parker would be the one, at least that’s how it seems to me. I think the only one canon lesbian couple I truly enjoy though is Emily/Naomi from Skins, and that’s only due to it being the most real lesbian storyline I’ve seen from a show in such a long time.

Leverage… the fandom of it… I’m pretty known within it. It scares me a bit, to be honest. Not the online aspect of it, I love that part, but when I have to clash the two worlds together… that scares me. I’m kind of shy, honestly. To have these people know me, to have some of the fans know me, it’s scary to think about when I meet everyone face to face. But the thing I do love about it is that this is the first time my work, my passion, has been really recognized and appreciated. I’ve never had that. And it makes me feel really, really good. And I know I helped someone out in particular due to that, and that… it makes me feel good. To help someone. To help someone that helped me a bit, you know? It makes me feel really good about what I’m doing, and not have it just be another thing my mother tells me I’m wasting my time on.

Which, is funny. She did for awhile, you know. Tell me my Leverage obsession was just wasting time. Not in so many words, and never to my face. She still seems to have this delusion that what she says about me around David I won’t hear. And then something else happens in my real life, I get pulled out of my own shithole due to Leverage… and all of a sudden she’s happy. I don’t know, sometimes I feel my mother is a bit two faced.

Leverage has given me a new start to my life. And I still can’t talk fully as to how, but maybe one day. Maybe when the show has ended. But it’s very… important to me now. Sometimes I feel stupid that a television show can do these things for me and then I think about it, and that’s exactly why I want to work in television. It touches so many people; I’ve seen it happen even outside of myself. To be able to touch people like that, even indirectly, is really… it’s really amazing.

But I think I can wait a bit until I go up to Portland. It would be awesome to go at the end of next month, but I do have a real life I need to fix first. And some people have said to me, “Why wait? What if they don’t get a third season?” and seriously, I laugh. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be a third season, and that’s odd for me because I fear for most of my television shows. But really… I just don’t see it not happening. I mean look at our cult fandom, look at the awesome network it’s on. It’s not going anywhere for awhile.

I guess that’s it. Long winded Mary is done. I could go on and on honestly, but I think I made my point enough. Really, as bad as it is… stripping again, working again, has made me so happy and so… fucking hopeful. I feel much better about living in this moment than I have in the last six months.

I’m clean, I have my own apartment, I have two jobs, one of which I really enjoy and the other I enjoy the money of, and it’s just… good. Everything’s good right now.

fuck all of this

2009-07-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

YOU KNOW… THIS IS ALL UTTER BULLSHIT.

Nicole refuses to help me strip unless I go to that STUPID Best Buy interview tommorow from 6-9. Yeah well, excuse the FUCK out of me but if I got that job than I wouldn’t be able to go see my family at the end of the month. Who, by the fucking way, I haven’t seen in OVER A YEAR. I would not be able to get that time off, and if that was my only option then no, I wouldn’t go.

But guess what, Mary’s a fucking stripper named Parker now and I need to fucking WORK tomorrow. At 7:30. I don’t have any FUCKING money, I don’t even know if I can fucking afford the bus tomorrow but we’ll see. But I’d fuck off that interview all on my own and go to work tomorrow (who by the way aren’t even supposed to be letting me work until Tuesday night) BUT I’M FUCKING FAT.

And I’m sure you all wonder why the hell THAT’S relivant, but it is.

Since that stupid fucking meth addicted crack whore too my god damn stripper clothes, I don’t have a FUCKING corset.

I’m FAT.

Far too fucking FAT to just wear this damn DRESS and have it look good. I need to fucking squeeze my shit in and wear the dress over it. It’s all nude anyway all I gotta do is take off my panties and pull out my boobs. Yay, problems solved. No one ever knows Mary’s wearing a corset. Been doing it back before I actually managed to get somewhat skinny off the drugs.

But I’m fat now!

And we’re supposed to go get a corset tomorrow, she was gonna pay, but she wont unless I do to that fucking job interview. Why? I’m just gonna purposely fuck it up anyway. How the hell am I gonna try to manage three jobs? Ask me when the fuck I’ll be able to sleep? Half past fucking never, that’s when. I already have a legitamite job, something so I don’t have to out down stripping on my resume. There’s no point for this other one!

So basically, I get to go in tomorrow. FAT. Mind you. FUCKING HUGE. And feel like SHIT and look like SHIT and try to take guys money when I don’t even feel good about me? Are you KIDDING me?

YOU DON’T FUCKING GET IT. I HAVE BILLS. I CAN’T EVEN BUY CIGARETTES RIGHT NOW. I DNT HAVE SHIT. I NEED TO WORK.

All I fucking AM is a stripper anyway! Why the fuck should anyone be surprised?! I mean REALLY? No, fuck you. I’m not gonna do to that ridiculous interview. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m something I’m not. I have a “real job” already. So I’m good. There is no point.

I’m just not eating anymore. I’m so SICK of being this fucking DISGUSTING anyway.

I’m too fucking pretty to have my body look that way it does right now. I really, really am.

Back on the pole

2009-06-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

And this is the part where you go, “Oh Mary, I thought you were getting better, going to do something useful in life now.” You hang your head and let out a sigh, shamed for me and my entire life even though it’s not yours and most of you have no right to.

Straight fact no bullshit truth of the matter is; I have twenty dollars to my name. Twenty. I can’t pay my coming electric bill, water bill, or even turn on my fucking gas. I’m fucked, with a capital F.

So Nicole takes me looking for a waitress job. Try two clubs, not hiring waitresses. I get it, the summer is kind of slow. Most cliental consists of stupid little college boys who don’t even have their daddy’s credit card to make up for their epic money making failure. So me and Nicole go into this other club called “Dollhouse.” It’s not really ritzy, its very laid back but not ghetto, that’s the kind of club I like. Reminded me of a cross of Baby Dolls and Lipstick in Dallas. Plus, “Dollhouse”? Come on. Everyone knows Mary and her fandom obsessions…

Not hiring waitresses, but the manager is trying to convince me to dance. Which, I expected. However, once getting to talk to him I find out just to get a license in Atlanta it’s $370. So I was like okay, I can’t strip, I need to waitress. And he said no, everywhere in Atlanta, anyone working in a strip club needs to get that, even down to the bathroom attendant. So fuck it, I need money immediately. There is no question about that, and if I’m gonna pay an assload of money to waitress, I might as well dance.

Nicole’s not happy, but she wants to get paid back. She’s fronting me the money for my license, getting it tomorrow. Come Friday, Mary’s back on the pole.

Now I know I’m going to get disappointed DMs, IMs, Emails and the like from some of you. All I can do is apologize, I tried, but I’m in a shithole. I seriously can not do anything else.

The manager asked me why I didn’t strip anymore. I told him I had a meth problem, but now I’m clean and have gained almost twenty pounds. I’m self conscious about it. I’m gonna have to borrow money from Nicole to squeeze my ass into a corset. But he was a really friendly guy, the girls didn’t seem like complete wankers, so I’m gonna do it.

And to be honest, as much as I should feel bad about it… I’m excited. None of you understand how sexually driven I am as a person, and I don’t even mean about sex. I don’t enjoy sex so much as I enjoy the flirtation, the manipulation, being someone else, having power, and talking anyone into doing anything. I’m so good at it, but only when I’m … well, I’m not going to be “Faith” anymore. I turned that name to shit, lots of bad memories… so I have a new name, which I found out is available. Guess what it is, I’m sure everyone will know lol.

I want to get pretty again. I want to look at myself in the mirror and have that condidence of I’m the shit, I’m gonna make money. Because I can, and I will. And it’s fully nude, which I miss SO MUCH, and I know that’s probably strange for a lot of you. But I do, I miss dancing nude.

The hair, the makeup, the outfits… I miss it all.

And most of all, I miss the money. Though, Atlantas a little cheap ass. $10 lap dances everywhere in Atlanta. The VIP room is $200 for a half an hour, which I can sell like cake, so it shouldn’t be a problem. If I can convince guys to buy a $300 bottle of non alcoholic champagne bottle (that I get no money from by the way) just to get off stage all night, then I can sell myself for $200. Really really isn’t hard.

I’m the stripper your surprised by, the complete honest shit that comes out of my mouth. I talk very freely about fetishes, I geek out about my fandoms, I order your ass around and for some reason… you like it. I’m like bondage Barbie with a touch in insanity, it either intrigues or scares, and even if your scared you still end up turned on by it.

And I just MISS IT.

So fuck it, I do what I do, I do what I know how to do. I have another job and that’s all fine and dandy even though I’m not getting paid for it anymore since I got paid upfront for a bit, but hell, I enjoy it so it’s all cake. Everything is fucking cake.

I just want to be that other side of myself again. I need to feel the power and the control. God… I’m just… I need it. And I’m gonna get it back.

Gina Bellman / Jekyll

2009-06-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

So excuse me while I absolutely adore Gina Bellman now.

Now, before Leverage, I had never seen her in anything. Except for one episode of ‘Coupling’ I caught on accident while high in a room in Motel 6. I hated that I couldn’t remember the name of the show then, cause I thought it was funny as fuck. However, come Leverage, and me getting insanely impressed by her ability to do that many accents, made me go find Coupling.

Watched all of those in 48 hours. Now it’s one of my favorite comedy series.

Tried to find other stuff of hers, but really, since this is the damn internet, I have jeez, I don’t know, at least 20 clips of just her nudity.

Yeah, she get’s naked a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Which, so not complaining on that front. Really really not.

But, due to her getting naked, after awhile I was like ‘Jesus, is that the only thing she can do?!’ cause usually a lot of not so good actresses try to make up for it with graphic nudity. And I do mean graphic, I’ve seen more of that woman that should be allowed, but then again, that’s why British television and movies are just so much better than American ones haha.

And I’ll be honest, if I was to make a list of my perfect woman, Gina had about 90% of those traits listed. I am very very sexually attracted to her. Like crazy so. And yes, I know she’s old enough to be my mother, but I justify it due to her being my sisters age. My sister is 42, so as long as she’s not significantly older than her, and no where close to my mothers age, than it’s fine. Plus, I have an insane attraction to older women, especially British women. Tell me that’s sick and wrong, I already know. I still feel the need to do Helena Bonham Carter (who also, strangely enough is Gina’s age too). But moving on.

Due to me being rendered completely sexually dumbsruck by her insane beauty I tend to kind of ignore the whole acting part of it. It becomes irrelevant in regards to actresses usually with me. I become a man LOL. I really do, hence again why I mentioned the thing with blondes and how they end up being my favorite actresses… because I see past the whole hottness with them because I don’t feel compelled to want to fuck them.

But I slowly did appreciate Gina’s acting once I learned to see past the insane hottness that is her, and oh my god… oh MY GOD… Jekyll secured that with a fucking BANG.

I’ll admit, while I was incredibly drawn in with the story of it (it’s like fucking Dollhouse, you can’t stop watching because you NEED to know the answers to questions), Claire, Gina’s character, well… I thought she was a bit pathetic. I was like oh come on, this is what made Leverage hire her? THIS?

But come I think the third episode and yeah… THAT is why they hired her. This woman is so insanely talented, one of the most talented actresses I’ve seen in a long time. I can’t even do her justice by trying to explain, but you all need to watch it. Not just for Gina, but just because Jekyll is such an incredibly done series. It’s just… amazing.

There’s a clip from the show, but really… watch the whole thing. I sat on my add yesterday once I found it for 6 hours and watched the whole thing. You just can’t stop, I’m serious. It draws you in so much. So I’ll warn you and say watch it when you can spare 6 hours out of your day.

Here’s a link to watch it online, since I feel the need to pimp it out.

WATCH JEKYLL ONLINE

Anyway, just… god. It’s so sad really, I’ll never be able to look this woman in the eyes when I meet her. I’ll be like god, I’ve seen you naked. I’ve heard you moan. It’s just… wrong LOL. So hot but so wrong.

I probably won’t be able to look any of them in the eyes anyway once I’m through. I’m too publicly known in this fandom online. And I’m also far far too honest.

But oh well. Mary’s embarrassment when that time comes is sure to be amusing none the less.

fanfic/casting

2009-06-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

This story I'm writing right now was not supposed to turn out being based on reality. Yes, I've wanted to write about abuse for awhile now, I just needed to somehow figure out a way to incorporate it into whatever fandom and have it be plausible. Hence, setting Leverage two years into the future and making up my own shit about what happened between those two years.

But it was just supposed to be about spousal abuse, and I'm the queen of victims of mental and emotional abuse. Yeah I've been hit before, but I still don't consider myself getting physically abused, even though I probably have been based on definition. But whatever, it was just supposed to be a story. Not supposed to be how it is when one of my friends and one of my girlfriends get beat at home and then feel some twisted need to take it out on me to have power.

That story turned into me putting Parker in my position, but having her deal with the way I wish I could have.

I really need to work on City of Thieves again, sad thing is I know exactly where I’m going with it but yet still don’t have the effort to get there, if that makes any sense. I guess I have to put it down for a little while, otherwise I get bored very quickly. Doing the same story for a long time is like ‘good god, when will it end?!’

Need to do my Nate/Sophie for the ficathon.

But more importantly need a job. I applied at a couple places yesterday (finally). Gonna go back out to day, but not in this DAMN shoes.

These shoes are fucking fabulous, but KILL to walk in. I blame it on the fact that I woke up and watched ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ and then felt the need to get pretty and fabulous just to go out and use the internet at the café. Yeah, loser.

So, Twitter had a mini mental breakdown yesterday due to the fact that this new girl is going to be joining the Leverage cast for the second season (the winter half), because we all assumed that due to the rumors of Gina Bellman possibly being pregnant, and the TNT PR had Sophie 'away' for episode 2.08, we thought she was replacing Sophie. Which, isn't going to happen, thank god. Gina can never ever leave Leverage!

Anyway, the new characters name is going to be Tara? I think? And she’s played by Jeri Ryan, who if I’m to be honest is far too… blonde. I don’t know, I think if they wanted to add another person to the cast (woman wise - which I mean obviously it was coming with three men and two women, there was bound to be an add on at some point) it shouldn’t be another light eyed blonde. Variety.

I don’t know, personally Jeri Ryan looks like she could be a porn star if she really needed to be, and I’m hardwired to not like that type usually. Unless they’re not blonde, or usually even white half the time. I have such a thing against blondes (sexual attraction wise, anyway). Which is amusing seeing as I’m a blonde right now, and both of my favorite actresses are blonde: Hudson Leick and Beth Riesgraf. Explain that one to me, cause I don’t get it. But it’s how my brain works. I really do not find them attractive in most cases, which if you think about it might be why Hudson and Beth are both my favorite actresses: for once I’m not thinking about how bad I want to fuck them and actually look at their TALENT. Only reason I can think of, anyway. I mean they are both beautiful women, don't get me wrong on that, but due to the blondeness I tend to not think of them sexually.

I mean, look at this woman:

Is that absolutely necessary? I’m being entirely judgmental based solely on how she looks, I realize this. I also realize that due to the absolute geeky!nature of her being on Star Trek: Voyager is highly probable one of the reasons she was hired because hi, Leverage is made op of geeks. Which is totally ftw, don’t get me wrong, but I just look at this woman and see… a cardboard cutout. I'm probably a really bad lesbian for complaining about that. My head really makes no sense.

Now, I’m sure I’ll be shoving my own foot in my mouth later on down the line about this. She might actually end up playing a character I end up ADORING and will want to slash ship with everyone and their moms. Lol. But for know, this is my initial assessment of the casting decision.

Keep in mind I have never EVER seen her act in ANYTHING. So, I'm being shallow and basing it on looks at the moment. We'll see if that changes.

Which, seriously, on another note: Hudson totally needs to be on Leverage. She’s finally back to doing auditions again, she said on Facebook yesterday (I think?) that she was going to one to play a drug addict. FTW. Hudson will give that justice, I know that for sure.

But yeah, Hudson + Leverage would = awesomeness. But that’s just me saying lol.

MAN. That made me want to watch ‘Fastlane’. I think that show died really quickly, but I saw the episode where she cut off a guys thumb and put it in a shake and drank it LOL. I think that got cut from her actually putting the bloody thing in her mouth or something even more disgusting lol. She just plays bad very VERY well… shivers and chills alike. Swear. She really needs to get back out there, break time’s over! Lol.

Speaking of Hudson - she FINALLY scheduled her next (and long overdue) retreat... for when I visit my parents. Way to go. Oh well, next time I guess.

Alright, I got to go do something productive today. Well, in forty five minutes, cause that’s when my computer dies and I have to go home. I miss the free internet I had – damn people for catching on! Haha.

Secrets

2009-06-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have this issue where I like to ruin my own life. It’s like some sick kind of game with me.

I haven’t left my house in a week. I need to look for a job, but I’m terrified to go outside. And would you like to know why? Because Mary has been half-lying to everyone for about a week and a half now, and all the shame that goes along with it is starting to eat me alive.

Not last Saturday, but the one before, I started feigning. Bad. Like shaking, I needed it. Found one of the local corner drug dealers, gave him $40, he handed me a baggie, I put it in my purse, not looking at it because we were on Moreland freaking Ave. That was that, done.

I went home, and felt guilty like fuck for buying it. Doing it would have disappointed so many people I made promises to. But I needed it, and I hate that somehow that makes my word worth jack. So I wait until Nicole leaves (this was when I was living with her) get some old school ghetto ass tin foil and hollow out a bic pen, get the dope and… it was sugar.

The bastard sold me sugar.

I didn’t even have to taste the shit, you can just tell. Who the hell tries to pass off sugar as meth? The shit isn’t cut the same at all. I wish I looked at it before, but another part of me is glad I didn’t. Though I want my $40 back.

Which, to be fair, I totally had that coming, and I know it’s the universes way of telling me that I was being a fuck up, but that won’t help HIS cause any when I see him. I tend to get violent when people rip me off with drugs.

But that’s why I haven’t left my house. I’m just convinced I’ll do it again. Feigning here in my own private hell is fine, but I can’t go out in the world and need it, because automatically I’ll try to find it. Shit just falls out of my mouth before I can stop it. Some guy asked me what drugs I did in normal conversation (yeah, seriously, these are the people I attract) about a month ago and automatically I said meth, even though I had been clean at the point for a little bit.

The worst part about all of this is that because I won’t leave, I haven’t looked for a job. I’m seriously past fucked right now, and I feel like I’m almost trying to force myself back into stripping, because if things get that bad then that’s what I’ll do.

I don’t want to.

Yeah, I miss getting pretty. I missed it today when I was getting pretty for my webcam chat. I never get pretty anymore. I either need to be in that kind of environment (strip clubs) where I expect to be hit on and use it my advantage, or else I just can’t go anywhere looking good because I don’t want to be hit on. Why I enjoy online attention – no one can touch you. I don’t’ feel awkward by it.

I’ve been so over emotional lately it’s been driving me insane, and now I know it’s due to my period… but I still feel so stupid about freaking out. What does it even matter if some woman was freaked out by me? I mean really. I do what I do because I love it, and I enjoy it, but at the same time it made it seem like it was all worth crap. I cried a bit, like a stupid prick really, and that was even more stupid because in the end I took it the wrong way. Like completely the wrong way. No freaking out at all.

I’m such an idiot. I don’t ever want to see her. God. Really don’t. I’m such a jackass sometimes. Like it should even matter to me.

I’m mad at myself because it did though. It was kind of like, when you work so hard at something and then the person it was for tells you it’s shit, kind of thing.

But it isn’t shit. It was actually a really good thing, which makes me feel even stupider for all the previous shit. It was helpful, good. Which makes me feel good now, but still feel stupid that that should even make a difference either.

Why do I care so much? I used to not give half a shit. I really didn’t. I'm turning into one of those people I hate in regards to the subject, and I don't want to be that person. It makes me want to back off from it all just so I don't turn into something I hate, but yet at the same time I know now that I can't because if I did that then the good might turn into bad. It's complicated. Self esteem issue basically.

And it gets even more confusing for me, because at one point while I'm calling myself and idiot for being that way, one the other hand, since it helped I feel almost like we're even, since she had helped me out previously in regards to something else. But really its all helping without knowing we're doing so, so it's pretty ridiculous. Even more ridiculous if you even knew who I was talking about. It's just all dumb, yet strangely symmetrical in a good way.

I obviously can't make a decision on how I feel about the matter. Clearly.

And it’s horrible, all of this, big parts of my life are such a secret, and I’ve always been such an open person. I always talk about everything, no matter if it’s too TMI or anything of that sort. And stuff that upsets me, or stuff that makes me happy, I like to share. But I just can’t.

And I try without really saying anything. Just get it out there, but yet dance around it so much all it does is confuse everyone around me. I get so many questions on Twitter when I post things like that, and while none of them are ever really close to right, I feel bad because I can’t answer. I have to ignore, or say “I can’t talk about it,” which in turn makes me sound like some snob, and kick myself for even trying to express my feelings about what is going on in my life at that moment.

I share everything… not doing that is really really hard for me. I didn’t know how hard it was going to be until now. It’s so everyday for me now, that I don’t even see why it should matter… but I know exactly why it matters for the same reason. So I try to shut my mouth, dance around things but never talk about them.

All of you have no idea what I’m talking about, I realize this, but this is my journal, and I just need to do this for me. When I let things out I feel so much better, and it just… sucks that I can’t.

It sucked that I cried and couldn’t talk to anyone about it because of how I knew. It sucked that I got really happy after that and couln’t say anything about that either. It sucks when I have something I want to show off, but can’t. I’m so proud of myself for something I’m doing right now, and I really enjoy it, but I can never say anything. It's really all due to my large identity crisis of Sapphire Smoke vs. Mary. I used to regard us as two separate people, but we're just not. I am Sapphire Smoke. I write and talk about my real life as Sapphire Smoke. It's just a name, not a different persona, and that's what's become the problem. I don't know who I am anymore, and one is allowed to do stuff and the other isn't. I wish I did have MPD or something, would make this easier. No clashing.

I hate secrets.

My own secrets I can’t keep to save my life, but when they involve another person or more than one person I have to. It’s not just my secret to share.

It’s just hard. I’ve been beating myself up over a lot of shit recently.

I just laugh when I look in the mirror. I’m so fucking pretty that it’s just so pathetic sometimes about who I am underneath the physical.

I feel like shit right now. I want to cry again, but that’s probably just me PMSing again.

2009-06-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

Walking into my apartment was like walking into just that, an apartment, not a home. It’s all wood floors, white walls, and echoed noises. There’s nothing in it, it doesn’t feel like a home yet, yet for some reason I’m compelled to stay here. I have things I need to do, a lot of things, but it’s freaking ninety something degrees outside everyday and taking public transportation is like an open invitation to get harassed. Usually when I venture out into the world I wear a big sweatshirt, no makeup, and try as hard as I can to look like warmed over shit, but in the summer I can’t. In the summer it’s all boobs and legs. It’s too hot for anything else.

Sometimes I feel like I have this magnetic pull to people that I wish to God I could just turn off. Everyone wants to meet me, everyone wants to talk to me. Why? I’m serious, why? Can you really tell I might possibly be semi-interesting from across the street, across the bus? I put on headphones and make myself to look like a bitch for a reason; I don’t like people. I don’t want to meet you, I just don’t. I have to mentally prepare myself to meet people, I have to go out just for that purpose, or know that where I’m going I’m possibly going to be meeting people.

The worst part? I feel compelled to be nice. I have men hitting on me and I can do nothing else but try to politely tell them I’m gay, for it to usually not make a difference in the end because half of the men that approach me are ghetto mother fuckers and have this delusion that they “can make (me) straight, momma”. I ain’t nobody’s momma, boy.

I really need a job where I can just stay home all the time. No one has any idea how happy that would make me. And yes, while I do have a part-time job that allows me to do so, it doesn’t pay all my bills. I’m running dangerously low on money right now, and I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to pay next months rent, even though I have a special of $325, largely due to the fact that NEXT month it’ll be $850 and I have to go home at the end of the month to Massachusetts. I can’t just not either, my mother set up dentist appointments that she’s going to pay for. I need to fix my meth mouth. Badly.

I keep feeling the urge to strip again, but I promised so many people I wouldn’t anymore, so I don’t really know what to do. It’s hard to get a job in this economy. It just is.

Not that I really could strip even if I wanted to, my dance bag with all my clothes was stolen back in March. Stripper clothes are expensive; I can’t afford them right now.

Plus, I’ve gotten fat. I love how I say that while I’m eating icecream, way to go Mary.

I feel so unproductive right now too. I’ve been staying home, fucking off due to the ungodly heat, and yet still have done nothing to justify it. I could feel better even if I wrote a Leverage fanfiction, or finished one of the two Leverage videos I’m currently in the middle of. Hell, I’d even feel better if I made another porn video, or at least a YouTube one. But I just… don’t feel like it.

I’ve become a Twitter addict. I feel bad for everyone that follows me, I really do. I updated 92 times yesterday, that’s a bit much. Granted most of it was in conversation with other people, but still.

I haven’t talked to my brother in like a week, that’s just not acceptable. I need to call him. Usually we talk every other day. I love him so much, he’s the only one I’m really always happy when I’m around him. I can’t wait to take him to the first Leverage convention, that’s gonna be our thing. I promised him Xena a million years ago, but I haven’t even gone myself, and NOT going to the Leverage one just isn’t an option, so I gotta take him with me. It’s going to be so much fun.

Granted, that probably won’t be for like another year. Maybe longer.

I’m starting to hate America’s view on nudity. I just am at the moment. And I’m completely frustrated with talking to someone else to talk to another person. I don’t like grapevine crap, and while half the time I couldn’t care less that I can’t get in touch with this person, sometimes, like now, it’s frustrating. I’m trying to be courteous, and I don’t know… back to the “fan” rant I had a couple days ago. Seriously. Can I just be Mary for a minute? Is that too much to ask? Fuck the “Sapphire Smoke” persona, I just want to be a person for half a damn second. I don’t like having to go through someone else because really, its not even their problem. It doesn’t specifically concern them, you know? But I’m just stuck behind this little wall right now, I guess. I wanna kick a hole in it, but it only collapses from the other way.

I need to get up the effort to make a crappy webcam porn video. I feel dumb even doing it, I hate webcam bullshit, but it’s the only camera I have at the moment since my other one got stolen, and I need money.

Damnit.

Porn. Naked. Tits. Pussy. All the bullshit.

Though, to be fair to the other side, when I saw Gina Bellman naked I thought like a man. I was like “God DAYUM”. But I don’t know, for some reason with Beth, while it distracted me for a moment (because I’m only human) she’s such a good actress, and her character was so damn INNOCENT, that it made me feel wrong for even looking at her like that. See, that’s what I call good lol. If you can make me feel perverted due to how good your acting is, then mad props, girl. Not that I'm saying Gina isn't a good actress, shes phenomenal, but I don't know, she's really REALLY sexy lol. Beth is very girl next door to me. I'm not usually sexually attracted to blondes (as I am a blonde at the moment, odd, I know)

I still want to see that movie. I’m going to keep saying that until I get it. It looked so CUTE. God lol.

Celine Dion is depressing me at the moment; I need to stop listening to her. I need to go watch Xena, don’t ask me why; I just feel I need to at the moment. So I’m off to do that I guess.

virginity

2009-06-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to call the gas company today – I forgot.

This is the third gas company that has rejected me. THE THIRD. This is ridiculous, I know my credit isn’t good, but it isn’t HORRIBLE either. Plus, I NEED gas up in this bitch, how the hell am I going to get it if no one wants to service me? (yes I realize how dirty that sounded) But I’m serious, can’t I just pay a fucking deposit or something?

My apartment is so empty. It echoes and stuff. I kind of just chill out on my bedroom – it’s the only place that actually had furniture. One thing: my bed. On the floor. Pathetic, really.

I was supposed to the look for a job today, but I got myself all worked up because I couldn’t find anywhere to buy or download “The Summer of my Deflowering” (a short film Beth Riesgraf was in). And I know it’s retarded to get all pissed off about it, but I’m just so sick of everything being difficult with her. It’s like nothing she’s ever done is easy to find. Anyway, I got so angry I took a nap to calm myself down – otherwise I was on the verge of throwing things. I’m lame, but still.

I finally found clips of it, though. On Rapidshare, so obviously the only ones that were on there was her naked scenes. But it frustrated me even more because number one: her character is so cute in the movie! It made me really want to watch it. It made me go aww, cause seriously, she’s all sweet and virginal lol. And number two: I can’t make screencaps of her topless. Which, I guess yes I could, but I just don’t. Like on my Hudson website, naked/topless photos are excluded. I know she was in a movie with it, but personally I think a movie is one thing – having your tits float around the internet is quite another. Which I know is dumb since I have my tits and god knows whatever else on here, but that’s different cause that was my decision.

Plus, those photos are always the ones that have the most views, take my website for example. All anyone cares about are tits, and I’d rather have people come to the website because of her acting and not because of her body.

I also want to watch “Married, Unmarried” with Gina Bellman, due to the fact that it looks so fucked up. Seen the naked clips of her in that (from, you guessed it, RapidShare – a place for soft core porn), but I don’t want to buy the movie. Rather just torrent it. Something that seems that incredibly screwed off I think I might only want to watch once.

( Beth from 'The Summer of my Deflowering' )

But I fucking want “The Summer of my Deflowering” bad. Damnit. I was all jealous of Megan, Beth’s character, because her first time was so NICE. I was like damn, why couldn’t mind have been like that? I ran away from home and then fucked my friends boyfriend.

Yeah, I was a bitch. I was fourteen, give me a break. Moral standing was something I hadn’t learned yet.

My first time was a girl was crappy too.

I probably should have waited until I was dating someone seriously, but all of my friends had lost their virginity already to all of their boyfriends, and I just wanted to get rid of mine. I regret that, a lot.

The Leverage-free post

2009-06-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

I’m sure you all are bored half to death with me blogging about Leverage, so I’ll give you a Leverage-free post for once. Worried I can’t do it? Me too, but I’m up for the challenge.

You ever wake up one morning and realize you’re free? I had one of those mornings today. I wake up, take a shower, then realize to my happy surprise that I can walk around NAKED, in my own apartment. I know that sounds ridiculous seeing as I’ve lived mostly on my own for the last three years, but I forgot about how nice it is.

I watched porn today, it was LOVELY. I don’t usually even watch porn, but it’s kind of one of those freedoms that you don’t realize you don’t have until you can’t do it. Though on the bad side of the porn, of course I go to xtube cause it’s free, and okay… I love Asians. I prefer Asian porn, and my fetish is probably largely due to the fact that I have yet to be with an Asian woman. Every other race: yes, Asian: no. I have yet to be with a woman with a British accent either, that might explain that fetish as well, but moving on.

Of course I find one entitled something along the lines of Three Hot Ass Asian Lesbians or whatever lame ass title it had, because let’s face it, when God gave out creativity, it usually never ended up being to people that create the titles to porn. So I click on it, and these three fine bitches are on the screen… and then two of them start MOLESTING the other one. And not in the fun way people, like the girl was crying.

Yeah, me plus porn? Not for awhile, that freaked me out. Who actually get’s off on that stuff?

My cats hate moving, it’s kind of pathetic seeing as they’ve all done it at least five times. Poor Phoenix has moved seven times, but you would think they would be used to it by now. They all have decided to find places IN and UNDER my bed to hide, or in the case of Phoenix, she’s decide to curl up on top of me in obnoxious ways that interrupt my internet using.

No Phoenix, the keyboard is NOT your bed.

What’s sad, though amusing, about the whole thing though, is the fact that we had to take a “field trip” to the food/litter box today. It’s in the other room, and they keep following me EVERYWHERE, never wanting to be left alone, so I had to bring them all into that room so they could eat and do their business before going back to being lame and hiding on/next to/under something near me.

I’ll probably be cursing them when they start running around the house like spazzes though, so maybe I shouldn’t be talking.

What I’ve noticed since I’m living alone again, I talk more significantly to myself/my cats. Like, all the time. I forgot I used to do that so much. I just like the sound of my own voice I think, which might be ridiculous because I kind of hate it as a whole, I think I sound like a man.

Another thing I forgot about living alone: why I don’t cook. Because OF COURSE I set off the bloody smoke detector by just trying to cook freaking fried shrimp. I should just stop trying and go order Chinese. But I bought salmon and already had to call my mother to figure out how to cook it, so might as well not abandon my mother’s cooking lesson. Ha.

No I’m being serious, my mom’s a great cook. That gene seems to have skipped me though.

Another thing I’ve realized today, is that I’ve started using ‘bloody’ in everyday conversation, and I blame that entirely on… AH! Almost mentioned it. I blame it on writing from a British woman’s point of view so often. Haha, skated around that one. Or maybe that’s still a failure; let’s pretend it’s not.

But the funny thing about it is, it sounds so FUNNY coming out of my mouth, but I just can’t stop it! The sad thing? If I still had retained my Boston accent, it wouldn’t sound as bad, because I used to not be able to pronounce r’s like the British accent. Boston seems to not have separated themselves from that country as much as they think they have, or tried to hundreds of years ago. We still slightly talked like them.

My accent now is a mix between Boston and Southern. It’s kind of awkward.

Right. So I’m going to go try to make taco’s now, and hopefully not burn down my new kitchen. Pray for me.

Being a "Fan"

2009-06-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. The main part of it anyway was how intensely lame it is that I admire Parker, seeing as she’s fictional, but I got very in depth with that. I think I’m going to keep it because let’s face it, most people think I’m fucking insane because they don’t understand why, so let’s try again and just focus on some main points so people might actually get it, shall we?

I had many men/boys take advantage of me when I was younger. I won’t go into it more than that in this revised entry, but it completely screwed with my sexuality, and I don’t just mean being a lesbian, because my sexuality is screwed way beyond that, and ties into all my whoring and… just everything. But that’s not the point, that’s the background.

People wonder why I love abused characters, or characters that show qualities of abuse. Faith from Buffy… she got beat by her mother. That is canon, look it up.

And Parker, well I’m CONVINCED she got abused (I’m leaning very much towards sexual abuse TBH), and it’s sad because I wrote this whole thing about her and the only reason I recognize signs like that is because the same shit happened to me. Some people think I’m like intensely insightful on the character. HA! No, I’ve just lived part of that character’s life, I see myself in her more than I should.

She has a strong blatant regard to her own sexuality, so did I for a long time, before I got taught what it was doing to people and how I could use it to my own benefit. I used to never get that people looked at me that way, and just changing in front of others was another part of life. Being naked is so natural and being looked at like that is so natural (and being touched is natural – if you want to go that far) that you don’t understand anything different about it. Parker has no fucking clue what her changing in front of Hardison does for him (and while it’s usually awkward with Hardison, its cause hello, he fucking likes her). And while it’s obvious for us, it just doesn’t click for her. She never learned it was inappropriate.

And her social problems… huge factor in most cases of abuse. Most abused children don’t ever learn how to communicate properly as adults. Take me, for example. I’m okay, but there’s just times where it’s so hard to get people to understand how I think. And it reminds me of something Gina said in an interview in regards to playing Jane: the trick of acting insane is to think your sane, because all insane people do, right? Which then leads me to believe I might really be insane, because no one else understands my train of thought and yet I think it’s crystal fucking clear.

But the catch? I LOVE Parker for it, for being abused. Why? Because if she did and she came out that STRONG and that fucking BRILLIANT then why can’t I? Yeah maybe she’s a thief, and maybe it’s wicked stupid to look up to a fictional character, but I do. She might have a job that’s morally wrong, but she’s THE BEST at it. She took what was wrong with her life and used it to her advantage, and I admire the FUCK out of that.

People think Parker’s so screwed up, but I think she fixed herself so well it’s unbelievable. People think she’s crazy because she sees more truth in things than other people. She’s like a child in that aspect almost, seeing things in black and white. It either is or it isn’t. Complications only arise when people lie, ever notice that? Why I don’t do it very often. I’m one of those people that would rather hurt you now to help you rather than leave you blissfully unaware. To me that’s worse.

Did any of you notice WHEN I started the TwentyPoundOfCrazy channel? It was after The Stork Job, and there’s a reason for that. While I saw signs in Parker, I never really thought anything bad happened to her before that. I just thought she had a social disorder, was a bit off, but that was it. Why? Because she’s usually so damn HAPPY and nonchalant about everything, so how could she have had a horrible past and turn out that way? And then The Stork Job came along… and it made me realize how truly broken she is because of her experiences.

“[…] They’re going to turn out like me…”

I’m sorry, but because she broke a bit it made me love her so much more. It made me admire her a hell of a lot more. Underneath it all she still carries a lot of self hate, but she’s so damn productive, so damn focused, so damn determined to be okay that it makes me wish I could be like that. She tries SO HARD, and succeeds so fucking well (in most everything – socially she’s still behind) that I just… I want to be like that so much.

And yeah, she’s got her issues. Her interaction with the human race is permanently tainted due to everything, but that flaw doesn’t even matter in the big picture. It really, really doesn’t.

I want to be a bit off, if in the larger picture I’m still okay. And I’m just… not right now.

But you know, I’m one of those people that when I meet “celebrities” (and I do use that term loosely due to not feeling the whole ‘OMG IT’S SO AND SO!’ anymore due to Hudson being my yoga teacher, otherwise I’m sure I still would) I will never EVER tell them what their music/acting has done for me, how it’s helped me. Music wise: Christina Aguilera was significant for me from 13-16. Evanescence from 16-18. Celine Dion practically my whole life. Tell me that’s lame, and I’ll kick you in the scrotum. I love her, I do.

Faith, she helped me out a lot. Too bad I turned the name into something I despise due to my stripping activities that I won’t go into right now. You all still only know the half of it. I’m slightly a hypocrite.

I used to think Callisto helped me out so much, but in truth it was Hudson as a person that helped me out more than words can describe. Amazing woman, and I’m not just saying that. She’s someone I look up to so much, her ENERGY, her LOVE… you can just feel it. Not only that, she’ll bluntly tell me I’m being a fuck up when I am. I kind of need that.

Point? Would I EVER tell Beth how much I admire her portrayal of Parker? No. Why? Because it just seems like something everyone says, you know? “Oh you helped me so much when you played such an such or sang whatever song,” it’s really just a stupid fan thing. And to really mean it, I’d have to explain it, probably cry during it, and I just don’t cry in front of people, or at least I try not to. I don’t know Beth at all, therefore wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d feel like an idiot, but that’s mostly because I view crying as a weakness.

Plus, I’m positive she thinks I’m insane. I’m obviously one of her biggest fans (her portrayal of a drug addict/sexually abused child in Without A Trace was so fucking amazing it hurt). I mean I run her fan site, I made that YouTube channel for Parker, and while I have tried COUNTLESS times to try and contact her in regards to the website because it does need a lot of help and it would be nice if she would be involved – she hasn’t contacted me. And come on, everyone on that show knows my contact info, and if they don’t, they know where to get it or who to get it from. I’m not stupid.

But I get it, which is what aggravates me the worst. I was actually going to make a video about this on RuiningYourSelfImage… just talking about how much I HATE being a fan. I hate the way it makes people look at you. I’m not fucking insane, and it pisses me off that people think that. But if something or someone touches me in that way then yes, I will try to show my gratitude.

And I’m sorry, but it’s the only way I know how. I mean do any of you even KNOW the amount of work that was involved to get that website up and running? She had barely any info about her on the internet AT ALL. I had to gather bits and pieces from everywhere, go on MASSIVE picture hunts to get a half way decent gallery, had to find and buy/download/record/edit all the tv shows/movies she’s been in, do screencaps MYSELF ( I hate screencapping too, seriously)… I mean shit, that was at least 50+ hours of work. And that’s what I do, that’s my thank you. But people just see it as being crazy. I’m sorry I’m creative. Eat me.

It’s really either you do nothing and no one knows or you do something and people think your nuts for it. It’s not like I’d ever go up to someone screaming and being like OH MY GOD YOU’RE MY IDOL! Because that’s fucking insane and idolization is foolish, plus it reminds me of Backstreet Boys fan girls… but, okay actually honestly I wouldn’t go up to anyone at all. Per things already described. I either tell them what it means to me and possibly cry, or don’t and not cry. I chose the latter, I don’t like crying. Plus crying fans are usually labeled as more insane.

It’s like, you know when fans will go up to their favorite actress/musician or whatever, and the “celebrity” is always “grateful”… always polite, all “oh, your sweet, thank you”? But yet you know in their head that they’re weirded out by the attention? Yeah, I don’t want to do that. Ever. Because I know what they’re thinking. I’d never settle for formalities, I’d rather just not even bother. What I feel about what they might have helped me with in my life is too important to be fucked off by formalities. And admiring Parker is helping me a lot right now; it makes me try really hard to be okay. To just kind of hate it all underneath, but still accept it and move forward in life. Use it as a stepping stone.

But try is the operative word in there.

I don’t even understand much celebrity hype anymore either. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to like live and die by all those stupid magazines, now I just mock them in my head as I pass them by in the grocery store. Maybe I’ve just gotten it into my head that they’re people too – that’s probably due to Hudson as well. The media likes to pretend they’re not, like they’re gods or something.

And yeah, I still get excited sometimes over them, oh so and so looked really pretty at this award show (which I don’t watch anymore, just see pictures) that’s basically it.

I don’t do paparazzi either, out of respect. On all of my fansites I’ve had to date I haven’t and never will include paparazzi photos. Imagine having someone following you around all day with a camera, taking pictures of you with no makeup on and posting it on the internet just so everyone can be all ‘OMG’ over it. Seriously, just think about that.

The point of this whole rant, I suppose, is just that while I enjoy showing gratitude in my own little way, I don’t like the labels it puts on me. It limits everything, you know? When you’re passionate about something, and would love to help out in whatever aspect, you’re still labeled as being stark nuts because of it. And it’s because of the stereotype society has put on it, because of all the ‘fanatics’ who stalk people and god knows whatever else. People automatically assume you’re one of those types.

What celebrities fail to see, is that fans are people too. Just like most fans fail to understand that about celebrities. It always works both ways. Hence, the cycle continues.

I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I’m a person trying to say thank you to another person because their job helped me out. It’s on the same level as a person coming into a bank and thanking the man that gave them their first loan to start their own business, to move forward in their life.

Television and movies don’t make people above average human beings, and television and movie watchers don’t make people below average human beings. I really hate what media has done for us. It splits our race in half.

There are some things that due to being a fan, have helped me out tremendously. I won’t deny that, but I won’t talk about it either. But for the first time in my life, someone looked at me as a person, and what I can do creatively, rather than just see me as another insane fan, and took a chance on me. I appreciate that, more than any of you know. Probably even more than the person themself knows.

I don’t know, I’ve just been kind of holding in this “fan” rant for probably a month now, been meaning to get around to doing a video on it, probably still might because I did have an amusing scene I wanted to play out, but I just needed to express it.

We lift some people up so high that the rest of the world ends up looking like ants to them. And I’m speaking generally, here. As far as I know, Beth hasn’t turned into a snob. Then again, I don’t know anything.

And no, the whole point of this rant isn’t so I can bitch about how I haven’t talked to her. If you think that, then you’ve missed the entire point. The point, plain and simple is this: I don’t like being labeled as crazy because of my gratitude, I’m a person, and it’s how I say thank you. But the larger point is, I still won’t ever tell her what Parker’s done for me, is doing for me at the moment, because it’s too important to be just passed around in conversation.

So when I do meet her at a convention, or whenever it may be, more than likely I’ll actually stay away from her. Backwards, right? But I just don’t think I ever want to have that conversation, and face to face I tend to spit things out like word vomit or something. The only time I’d ever prefer to really talk to her would be over email or something like that, and I’d rather only ever ask her to contribute or help with input on the website, if she’d like to. That’s it.

Why? Because I don’t know her, and while she portrayed an amazing character I admire and is helping me feel better about being me, it’d be nine times of awkward to tell that to someone you don’t know.

None of you probably understand me now; I know most people would tell the person. But it’s how I feel.

It’s just too damn important.