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Before I retired to bed last night, I watched a couple episodes of Angel. I've recently have begun to feel quite lonely in regards to romantic relationships, as it's been pretty much over a year since I've had a real one, and not just a passing infatuation that was based more solely on my sexual needs than my emotional ones.

I was looking at the character Fred, who is a slightly socially awkward, even a little shy, but brilliant woman, though not to mention beautiful. That's when I finally realized what I really did want in a partner... basically her. I've always had an attraction to intelligent women, pretty much dating back to when I was a child and watched the cartoon Scooby Doo practically religiously, when Velma was my favorite character. While at the time I regarded it as just an admiration, and not a sexual attraction, I remember when the live action movie came out, and Linda Cardellini was the actress chosen to portray Velma, and I DID have a sexual attraction towards her. Then again, Linda Cardellini was a knockout, even when made to look dorky.

My entire day today consisted of watching Bones. I love the show, but have only seen seasons one and two, and a couple episodes of season four. I felt the need to catch up, so I started watching some online. My point in mentioning this is that while Dr. Brennen is brilliant, beautiful, and by far the entire definition of socially awkward, I'm not attracted to her like that. I think it may be because she's too literal, and doesn't understand jokes, and sees things as definitions, and barely ever feels in response to things. I'm not sure if I'm describing that right. Point being, I think maybe if she allowed herself to be a bit more human, I would be extremly attracted to her, but seeing as she'd rather observe life than live in it, I can't.

I was watching a couple episodes that had to do with serial killers, and it got me thinking. Most people who end up being the victims to these horrible crimes never once think that it'll be them. They always think, oh it could happen to Mr. Joe that I don't know, but never me or someone else I'm aquainted with. I seem to be the opposite. I'm always fearful that I'll be the victim. I'm overly cautious, and maybe slightly paranoid when it comes to it.

At night, I never go anywhere without someone else, or if I'm in dire need, I always have someone on the phone with me whenever I'm walking alone. I seem to have convinced myself that if someone is going to attack me, it's not going to be while I'm on the phone. But even when I'm home alone sometimes, I start feeling slightly paranoid and vulnerable, and have odd thoughts here and there of different scenarios of someone coming in and murdering me in my own home. Or rather now, my own motel room. I'll have these waves of fear and grab my knife and start to listen closely to things outside. Sometimes my brain makes it so I hear the door unlock, and my heart jumps in my throat and I turn around, only to see everything left untouched. I want to know if that's normal, or just another reason to believe I'm possibly paraniod schizophrenic.

I finally called my sister earlier this evening. She of course sudgested the thing I was expecting: me moving to Atlanta, her keeping all of my things at her house and her taking care of my cats while I checked myself into rehab. And while it's not an overall bad desision, and surprisingly I am concidering it when my first response all my life is to reject the unfamiliar and also to never admit defeat, the thought of being trapped in a rehab during the Holidays doesn't appeal to me much.

I've decided I will probably do this said plan after the Holidays. And yes maybe I might be locked up during my twenty second birthday as well, but to me that's better than being locked up during Christmas.

"You can come here to heal your body, mind, and spirit."

That's one thing about going there. My sister's all about spiritual healing and such, and that just doesn't appeal to me. Religion or spirituality to me isn't a requirement to fix a mental disorder or drug dependency. I'm sure it'll probably start to bug me. She rubbed off on my brother when he was sent to live with her for eight months or so, but I doubt she will do the same for me.

She's also all about talking our feelings out. I don't do that. I don't enjoy nor need to express my feelings verbally. It's just not what I do.

I texted my boss, I heard I was fired, and want to know if that's true. I have yet to hear back.

I keep eating everything in sight, and I don't like it. I think I've gained five pounds in the last two days. I feel fat, ugly, and dirty.

I don't like it.
I DON'T LIKE IT.

Labels: beautiful, cautious, intelligence, lesbian, paranoia, perfect woman, rehab, schizophrenia, serial killers, shy

Before I retired to bed last night, I watched a couple episodes of Angel. I've recently have begun to feel quite lonely in regards to romantic relationships, as it's been pretty much over a year since I've had a real one, and not just a passing infatuation that was based more solely on my sexual needs than my emotional ones.

I was looking at the character Fred, who is a slightly socially awkward, even a little shy, but brilliant woman, though not to mention beautiful. That's when I finally realized what I really did want in a partner... basically her. I've always had an attraction to intelligent women, pretty much dating back to when I was a child and watched the cartoon Scooby Doo practically religiously, when Velma was my favorite character. While at the time I regarded it as just an admiration, and not a sexual attraction, I remember when the live action movie came out, and Linda Cardellini was the actress chosen to portray Velma, and I DID have a sexual attraction towards her. Then again, Linda Cardellini was a knockout, even when made to look dorky.

My entire day today consisted of watching Bones. I love the show, but have only seen seasons one and two, and a couple episodes of season four. I felt the need to catch up, so I started watching some online. My point in mentioning this is that while Dr. Brennen is brilliant, beautiful, and by far the entire definition of socially awkward, I'm not attracted to her like that. I think it may be because she's too literal, and doesn't understand jokes, and sees things as definitions, and barely ever feels in response to things. I'm not sure if I'm describing that right. Point being, I think maybe if she allowed herself to be a bit more human, I would be extremly attracted to her, but seeing as she'd rather observe life than live in it, I can't.

I was watching a couple episodes that had to do with serial killers, and it got me thinking. Most people who end up being the victims to these horrible crimes never once think that it'll be them. They always think, oh it could happen to Mr. Joe that I don't know, but never me or someone else I'm aquainted with. I seem to be the opposite. I'm always fearful that I'll be the victim. I'm overly cautious, and maybe slightly paranoid when it comes to it.

At night, I never go anywhere without someone else, or if I'm in dire need, I always have someone on the phone with me whenever I'm walking alone. I seem to have convinced myself that if someone is going to attack me, it's not going to be while I'm on the phone. But even when I'm home alone sometimes, I start feeling slightly paranoid and vulnerable, and have odd thoughts here and there of different scenarios of someone coming in and murdering me in my own home. Or rather now, my own motel room. I'll have these waves of fear and grab my knife and start to listen closely to things outside. Sometimes my brain makes it so I hear the door unlock, and my heart jumps in my throat and I turn around, only to see everything left untouched. I want to know if that's normal, or just another reason to believe I'm possibly paraniod schizophrenic.

I finally called my sister earlier this evening. She of course sudgested the thing I was expecting: me moving to Atlanta, her keeping all of my things at her house and her taking care of my cats while I checked myself into rehab. And while it's not an overall bad desision, and surprisingly I am concidering it when my first response all my life is to reject the unfamiliar and also to never admit defeat, the thought of being trapped in a rehab during the Holidays doesn't appeal to me much.

I've decided I will probably do this said plan after the Holidays. And yes maybe I might be locked up during my twenty second birthday as well, but to me that's better than being locked up during Christmas.

"You can come here to heal your body, mind, and spirit."

That's one thing about going there. My sister's all about spiritual healing and such, and that just doesn't appeal to me. Religion or spirituality to me isn't a requirement to fix a mental disorder or drug dependency. I'm sure it'll probably start to bug me. She rubbed off on my brother when he was sent to live with her for eight months or so, but I doubt she will do the same for me.

She's also all about talking our feelings out. I don't do that. I don't enjoy nor need to express my feelings verbally. It's just not what I do.

I texted my boss, I heard I was fired, and want to know if that's true. I have yet to hear back.

I keep eating everything in sight, and I don't like it. I think I've gained five pounds in the last two days. I feel fat, ugly, and dirty.

I don't like it.
I DON'T LIKE IT.

Labels: beautiful, cautious, intelligence, lesbian, paranoia, perfect woman, rehab, schizophrenia, serial killers, shy

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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