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I keep trying to keep my head above the water, but I still feel like I'm drowning....

I can't remember the last time I fought this hard to keep treading water. As a waitress in a sports bar, I was still living with my ex fiancee at her mothers house. When I first started stripping, I bounced around from home to home for a little while before becoming roommates with a girl I used to work with at the sports bar. And even with the instability I still felt like I was going to be okay. Then I moved in with Brandi, and everything was peachy. Then I got my own apartment, and was making more money than I even knew what to do with.

How did I end up here?

I struggled this week just to make my motel rent of $210, and all I have left is $30. I have to buy my cats food and kitty litter, and I'll be lucky if I can stock up on ramen noodles and jugs of water to live off of the next couple of days. I haven't eaten in two days, and it wasn't because of drugs. Its because I simply can't afford it. I'll always take care of my cats first, me second. They're dependent on me, so I have to make sure they're fed and have a clean place to go to the bathroom.

But it sucks, I'm so fucking hungry.

Strip clubs are always bad around Christmas. Money cuts in half for the entire month of December and January. Last year, that was fine. Half of $2500 a week is what? $1750? Manageable... more than manageable. I only worked two days this week, granted, because I was left with no money for food or a cab for days. But in two days I only made a little under $250? I've never taken off my clothes for this little amount of money in my life, even when I first started dancing and didn't have a clue wtf I was doing.

And it's bad, because the economy is so bad, that all these little eighteen and nineteen year old girls are starting to strip, thinking that way they'll make more money. Fools. When the economy drops, tip jobs are the first to feel it, and the last to get out of it. Get out of my club, go to college like your supposed to, and stop taking that twenty bucks, that could have been mine.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Being clean has done flown out the window and so far away it's a little speck in the distance. And granted, I'm not buying a gram of shit a time anymore, only a $20 here or there, but hell, that $20 could have been dinner and a pack of smokes.

I'm just so sick... of being me. And it's funny, because people think that I think I'm the shit. And yeah, that stupid veil that I hide behind is just that... a veil. I wake up everyday and look in the mirror and I disgust myself. I used to be so pretty without makeup... not anymore. My face has gotten splotchy from repeated drug use, my eyes have bags under them, and I'm fat. I am so fucking fat it makes me sick to my stomach.

I started vlogging again, on a brand new website called DropVids. I missed it, as much as I hate to admit. Theres something so freeing to me with the video I work I do. Whether its a video blog, or a music video, or a fan videos... it's all artwork, it's all creativity, and it all requires time and effort.

I got rehired back at Mainstage Saturday night. It seems that I'm having an issue leaving that club, I've left three times in the past five months I've worked there... I always come back. And I don't understand why, because I've never done that before with other clubs. I guess I just feel safe there right now, it's familiar, and that's what I need.

Now if only we had customers that come in to spend money on the girls, and not their rediculously over priced liquor and a "free" show. Bitches, go to a real bar if you ain't here to give us money. We don't take off our clothes for our health or just cause it's wicked fun. Get real.

I have to work tonight, a Monday night. I have to make my phone bill. Good luck with that one. I'll be lucky if I walk out with ten bucks.

I feel trapped in this dark cold world, and I feel like I'm sufficating, but I refuse to let someone bail me out. I'm independent and have always taken care of myself, this time is no different.

"Try to fit a square into a circle."

I'm sitting her listening to Hilary Duff, Celine Dion, and Evanescence writing while Alex is to my left creating artwork with a pen and my makeup. I think we're both just in this kind of place where we just need to express ourselves in different ways, but without speaking verbally.

I can't go home for Christmas this year, and I know I'm gonna cry Christmas morning. So much. I miss my family, I miss my brother, I miss my neice... I just want to run away for a couple days up there and forget how much shit my life is down here... but I can't.

It's pretty hard to run away from yourself.

Labels: economy, hungry, money, poor, strip clubs, work sucks

I keep trying to keep my head above the water, but I still feel like I'm drowning....

I can't remember the last time I fought this hard to keep treading water. As a waitress in a sports bar, I was still living with my ex fiancee at her mothers house. When I first started stripping, I bounced around from home to home for a little while before becoming roommates with a girl I used to work with at the sports bar. And even with the instability I still felt like I was going to be okay. Then I moved in with Brandi, and everything was peachy. Then I got my own apartment, and was making more money than I even knew what to do with.

How did I end up here?

I struggled this week just to make my motel rent of $210, and all I have left is $30. I have to buy my cats food and kitty litter, and I'll be lucky if I can stock up on ramen noodles and jugs of water to live off of the next couple of days. I haven't eaten in two days, and it wasn't because of drugs. Its because I simply can't afford it. I'll always take care of my cats first, me second. They're dependent on me, so I have to make sure they're fed and have a clean place to go to the bathroom.

But it sucks, I'm so fucking hungry.

Strip clubs are always bad around Christmas. Money cuts in half for the entire month of December and January. Last year, that was fine. Half of $2500 a week is what? $1750? Manageable... more than manageable. I only worked two days this week, granted, because I was left with no money for food or a cab for days. But in two days I only made a little under $250? I've never taken off my clothes for this little amount of money in my life, even when I first started dancing and didn't have a clue wtf I was doing.

And it's bad, because the economy is so bad, that all these little eighteen and nineteen year old girls are starting to strip, thinking that way they'll make more money. Fools. When the economy drops, tip jobs are the first to feel it, and the last to get out of it. Get out of my club, go to college like your supposed to, and stop taking that twenty bucks, that could have been mine.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Being clean has done flown out the window and so far away it's a little speck in the distance. And granted, I'm not buying a gram of shit a time anymore, only a $20 here or there, but hell, that $20 could have been dinner and a pack of smokes.

I'm just so sick... of being me. And it's funny, because people think that I think I'm the shit. And yeah, that stupid veil that I hide behind is just that... a veil. I wake up everyday and look in the mirror and I disgust myself. I used to be so pretty without makeup... not anymore. My face has gotten splotchy from repeated drug use, my eyes have bags under them, and I'm fat. I am so fucking fat it makes me sick to my stomach.

I started vlogging again, on a brand new website called DropVids. I missed it, as much as I hate to admit. Theres something so freeing to me with the video I work I do. Whether its a video blog, or a music video, or a fan videos... it's all artwork, it's all creativity, and it all requires time and effort.

I got rehired back at Mainstage Saturday night. It seems that I'm having an issue leaving that club, I've left three times in the past five months I've worked there... I always come back. And I don't understand why, because I've never done that before with other clubs. I guess I just feel safe there right now, it's familiar, and that's what I need.

Now if only we had customers that come in to spend money on the girls, and not their rediculously over priced liquor and a "free" show. Bitches, go to a real bar if you ain't here to give us money. We don't take off our clothes for our health or just cause it's wicked fun. Get real.

I have to work tonight, a Monday night. I have to make my phone bill. Good luck with that one. I'll be lucky if I walk out with ten bucks.

I feel trapped in this dark cold world, and I feel like I'm sufficating, but I refuse to let someone bail me out. I'm independent and have always taken care of myself, this time is no different.

"Try to fit a square into a circle."

I'm sitting her listening to Hilary Duff, Celine Dion, and Evanescence writing while Alex is to my left creating artwork with a pen and my makeup. I think we're both just in this kind of place where we just need to express ourselves in different ways, but without speaking verbally.

I can't go home for Christmas this year, and I know I'm gonna cry Christmas morning. So much. I miss my family, I miss my brother, I miss my neice... I just want to run away for a couple days up there and forget how much shit my life is down here... but I can't.

It's pretty hard to run away from yourself.

Labels: economy, hungry, money, poor, strip clubs, work sucks

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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