Friday, January 16, 2009
feigning @ 10:15 AM
A million things to do. A million more I could do. A shaky hand reaches for the pack of cigarettes in front of me and I flick the lighter a couple time to make it produce a flame something close to useable. A glance over at the purse on the coffee table as I take my first inhale. I close my eyes, trying to calm down. I was beating this before, wasn't I? A flash to Wednesday night."Hey, you got any shit?"I look up at the dancer in front of me, "I... no. I haven't felt the need to.""Can you get some?""Yeah, I cam make some calls for you." Temptation. Oh, the temptation. Half of me decided to get some for myself. Fortunately, everyone was tapped out that night.Get drunk, go home, pass out. Forget the temptation. I'm okay, it was just because the opportunity was there. I'm a sucker for opportunity.Flash to Thursday afternoon. Nap time. The phone goes off, once, twice. Finally on the third time I get annoyed and drag myself out of bed."WHAT? I was fucking sleeping." Is how I answer it after I see who's calling."We're coming over, people are meeting us over there in a couple hours." [edited to removed names]"What? No, my house is a fucking disaster.""Then clean it.""Fuck, fine. Jesus, what is this, a huge dope meeting?""Yeah, pretty much."Half awake, freaking out making my house presentable for company for an hour or two. The phone rings again."Nevermind, we gotta go back home to the kids.""Are you FUCKING kidding me? I just cleaned my entire goddamn house!""Sorry, go back to bed."Aggravated sigh. I can't sleep now. My minds on dope. Back to the computer, do something fandom related, it'll keep my mind off of it.A chapter written of my Parker/Sophie fan fiction. It was painful to get through, and didn't enjoy writing it at all. I'm having a problem now, I can see it. I knew this was going to happen.I finally sleep, though I'm up at 6:30am. How did I fuck up my sleep this much? I used to never see daylight.Something else. Do something, anything. Find a way to contact Beth, there we go. Hours of searching, nothing but her Scientology courses she completed and a website that's entitled "Beth Riesgraf Photography". You need a password to get in it. I think I remember reading somewhere that she did photography, I couldn't remember.I had the thought to try to bypass the password, hack it somehow, just to do something to keep my mind off things. But I've never been able to hack anything in my life. My skills with a computer don't reach that kind of level. I'm no Hardison.Yeah, I would just make a Leverage reference.Maybe she has her photography somewhere else, it's worth a shot. So I type in [something, I wont say cause I don't think I should have been able to do this] into my searchbar, and accidently find the backdoor into her website without needing a password. Whoops, but oh well.Click on it, one album, nothing else. Nothing to even confirm that it's actually the right Beth Riesgraf I'm looking for either. I give up, forget it. I've never tried to try to contact an actress before, and I am finding this far too difficult to do. I had half a thought to just create my own fansite, fuck the official title, but I still don't have nearly enough information on the woman to attempt it.Dope, I need dope. Phone call. They'll be over in a couple hours.Fuck it. I need to be able to think again. I need to stop shaking and scratching myself. I need to be able to get shit done, and I can't do it like this anymore. I lasted I think a week and a half or two weeks this time. I can't remember. But I'm getting better, slowly.Labels: addiction, beth riesgraf, dope, leverage, meth, strippers
Friday, January 16, 2009
feigning @ 10:15 AM
A million things to do. A million more I could do. A shaky hand reaches for the pack of cigarettes in front of me and I flick the lighter a couple time to make it produce a flame something close to useable. A glance over at the purse on the coffee table as I take my first inhale. I close my eyes, trying to calm down. I was beating this before, wasn't I? A flash to Wednesday night."Hey, you got any shit?"I look up at the dancer in front of me, "I... no. I haven't felt the need to.""Can you get some?""Yeah, I cam make some calls for you." Temptation. Oh, the temptation. Half of me decided to get some for myself. Fortunately, everyone was tapped out that night.Get drunk, go home, pass out. Forget the temptation. I'm okay, it was just because the opportunity was there. I'm a sucker for opportunity.Flash to Thursday afternoon. Nap time. The phone goes off, once, twice. Finally on the third time I get annoyed and drag myself out of bed."WHAT? I was fucking sleeping." Is how I answer it after I see who's calling."We're coming over, people are meeting us over there in a couple hours." [edited to removed names]"What? No, my house is a fucking disaster.""Then clean it.""Fuck, fine. Jesus, what is this, a huge dope meeting?""Yeah, pretty much."Half awake, freaking out making my house presentable for company for an hour or two. The phone rings again."Nevermind, we gotta go back home to the kids.""Are you FUCKING kidding me? I just cleaned my entire goddamn house!""Sorry, go back to bed."Aggravated sigh. I can't sleep now. My minds on dope. Back to the computer, do something fandom related, it'll keep my mind off of it.A chapter written of my Parker/Sophie fan fiction. It was painful to get through, and didn't enjoy writing it at all. I'm having a problem now, I can see it. I knew this was going to happen.I finally sleep, though I'm up at 6:30am. How did I fuck up my sleep this much? I used to never see daylight.Something else. Do something, anything. Find a way to contact Beth, there we go. Hours of searching, nothing but her Scientology courses she completed and a website that's entitled "Beth Riesgraf Photography". You need a password to get in it. I think I remember reading somewhere that she did photography, I couldn't remember.I had the thought to try to bypass the password, hack it somehow, just to do something to keep my mind off things. But I've never been able to hack anything in my life. My skills with a computer don't reach that kind of level. I'm no Hardison.Yeah, I would just make a Leverage reference.Maybe she has her photography somewhere else, it's worth a shot. So I type in [something, I wont say cause I don't think I should have been able to do this] into my searchbar, and accidently find the backdoor into her website without needing a password. Whoops, but oh well.Click on it, one album, nothing else. Nothing to even confirm that it's actually the right Beth Riesgraf I'm looking for either. I give up, forget it. I've never tried to try to contact an actress before, and I am finding this far too difficult to do. I had half a thought to just create my own fansite, fuck the official title, but I still don't have nearly enough information on the woman to attempt it.Dope, I need dope. Phone call. They'll be over in a couple hours.Fuck it. I need to be able to think again. I need to stop shaking and scratching myself. I need to be able to get shit done, and I can't do it like this anymore. I lasted I think a week and a half or two weeks this time. I can't remember. But I'm getting better, slowly.Labels: addiction, beth riesgraf, dope, leverage, meth, strippers
i my me mine.
you think you know me yeah ?
My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to
fly.
credits.
