Sunday, March 01, 2009
sick @ 1:14 PM
So, if any of you failed to notice, I kind of freaked the fuck out last night. I was extremely high when I wrote that entry. Not on meth, not on coke, I've stopped doing those. But GHB. I've had the bottle of a bitch in my fridge for fucking ever. I don't like it. It tastes... well it takes like chemicals. The smell is enough to make you vomit. Hell I'm gagging just thinking about it right now, because I sadly have a vivid sense memory, and I'm already ill.
I've been really hating my job as of lately. For many, many reasons. One of them being that because now that I'm blonde, people seem to think it's a joke that I have a brain. I don't like that, I am a very intelligent individual and I don't think the way I look tells you what my IQ is. So to compensate I'll end up making them feel stupid. Which then it turn makes me no money. Guys get intimidated when I start talking like an intellectual human being.
Another reason is also due to being blonde. Ever since I became blonde, apparently I'm "too hot" for guys to get a dance from me because they "won't be able to control themselves and it's just not such a good idea." because of it. I mean who the hell doesn't get dances because they're "too hot"? Are you serious? I mean I've heard other girls say that has happened to them before, but it's been happening to me quite alot lately and it never has before. Can hair color really change all that? I mean come on.
I made $100 on Friday night. One hundred freaking dollars on a Friday night. I made $20 last night. This is just getting ridiculous. I've come to the conclusion that I need to start working at a club where there are girls hotter than me, because being one of the three or four hottest girls in the club isn't doing me any good. According to the other girls, they aren't doing so well anymore either. And it drives me insane how a girl that really should NOT be taking her clothes off in a public place (which leads to wonder how she even got hired - suck a managers dick, lately?) will make more money than I do.
I miss the days when $500 used to be my minimum take home. I can't live off of this type of money because I'm lazy by nature. I don't like to work, I only work two or three days a week. If I cant even make my rent money, what the fuck is going on?
I'm just hating on being attractive right now. It seems to cause more damage than do good, I've noticed.
I totally went nuts at work last night, and I don't like that. I hate when everyone's all over you, "Oh my God, what's wrong, Faith?" when I'm sitting there in the dressing room like a statue, playing with my fingers slightly Callisto-esque, staring at myself dead in the mirror when tears just run down my face. I broke yesterday. The kind of broken where you just feel empty and dead. People were worried just by the way I spoke. Like nothing mattered, though slightly airy in a way. One girl told me I was sounding kinda psychotic.
I was psychotic, thanks.
My manager was asking me what he could do to help, if he could get me anything, let me skip my last two rounds of stage. I like Spider, he's not a jackass like Bill was. Bill woulda told me to stop fucking crying and get my ass on stage. Bill did nothing positive for my mental state, obviously.
I'm so sick right now. I'm having trouble just holding down crackers. I need to get better before seven. I need to go to work. I need to make rent. I keep gagging though. I need to puke, but my body won't let me.
I puked last night though, thankfully. Though unfortunately all over myself because I had lost my muscle control already. I took way too much, I probably would have died last night if I didn't throw it up. I was drinking prior to it already, and mixing large amounts of alcohol and GHB can be fatal because they have negative reactions to each other. I didn't purposely do it, or maybe I did subconsciously. I mean I did tell Brandi I was feeling suicidal when I called her, but that's WHY I called her, so I wouldn't do anything stupid.
Still ended up doing it though, because I wasn't in a frame of mind to think properly.
Called my brother when I was jacked out of it. Left a message. Not sure what I said. Know I cried. Doubt he could even understand me. Had to send a text today to tell his to disregard it. That was my bad. I don't know why I called him in the first place, I tend to try to make a point not to do that when I'm like that, because of lots of reasons I won't go into.
I think I'm gonna go take a nap. I need to be well enough to walk to the store later. Gotta get my cats some food, they're about out.
BLEH. Bad decisions last night... bad bad bad.
