Wednesday, July 29, 2009
give up @ 12:04 PM
I give up. Again. For like what? The tenth time now?
Beth joined Twitter. Finally, a way I can get in touch with her. I know I mention this in my last entry, but bear with me for a second. This does have a different point.
Why don’t I think? I mean, REALLY. Out of a thousand something followers, why would I actually think she can take the time to read them all? She works like fourteen hour days. So me @replying her is pretty pointless, isn’t it? Yeah, apparently.
I didn’t think about that before I sent her this long like ten tweet thing on Sunday morning asking her if she could please email me (yeah, I caved). I really really would like her help/input on the website. I really would. And nothing big, just small things here and there. Like, I need help expanding her bio, for one. And I don’t want it to be official, I just would like some help, if she’s interested. That’s it.
So, anyway, here I am… writing this long ass PUBLIC display of a request, where probably at least 200 of my 400 followers saw. Well okay, I don’t actually know the ratio of my own fans vs. Leverage fans (plus the few sprinkled friends/family), but whatever. A lot of people saw it, and I don’t like that. I’m very… private when it comes to this sort of thing. And I know that probably doesn’t make any sense, I’m a very public person online, but when it comes down to interacting with someone who is more publicly recognized, I like to keep things a little bit on the low. I mean, not that its happening. Whatever happens just happens and I always talk about what’s going on (if I can). But details? Yeah, that’s just I don’t know… shit no one really needs to know because people like to repeat things.
Anyway, I wait for her to email me. She doesn’t, obviously. I was going to give it a week, and then just decide she probably wants nothing to do with me. Which would suck as a whole, but it wouldn’t change much of anything. I’d still do the site and stuff, because I do like her as an ACTRESS. She’d have to seriously offend me as a person before I took everything down and said ‘fuck you.’ I mean, it’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t, even though it’d probably still crush me to some degree. Because I’m a bit lame on that front.
I still think I care far too much about what this woman, who I don’t even know mind you, thinks about me. But I can’t help it, unfortunately. I keep trying, but no success. But moving on.
So last night I come to the realization (with some help) that she probably has never seen a damn thing I’ve sent her. So that makes me wonder what the hell the point of doing it even is. There really isn’t. I don’t know, maybe I should have realized that earlier, but Amy and John and Dean have a lot of followers to and still @reply fans so I know they read theirs. Some of them have @replied me. So, I guess I just saw it as the same thing.
Yeah, probably not.
I don’t know, I just… totally give up. Quite possibly for real this time, only due to this is probably as close as I’m gonna get with her being on Twitter. And if that doesn’t work, I doubt anything will. I tried many times, many different ways to get in touch with her and it’s just not looking like it’s going to happen. So… just fuck it, I guess.
I don’t NEED her for me to keep the website running, but it would have been cool. But maybe my over enthusiasm scares people anyway, so it might be good thing that I never really talk to her. A lot of people can’t seem to realize that who I am and how I am online is nothing like how I am offline. But, it would be hypocritical of me to expect her not to judge me on that when I judge my own fans like that. Sometime’s peoples over enthusiasm of me… well it doesn’t scare me, per say (outside of one instance where I swear the guy was a stalker), but it makes me do that little smile and a thanks as a formality. I mean I’m grateful, I am, but it’s just… sometimes a bit too much.
And what I do for her? The website and the YouTube channel? Probably past the line of a bit too much.
I should really start looking at things from other people’s point of view. I think the problem is, I’ve always kind of felt like an equal when it comes to Leverage, and there’s reasons for that that I won’t get into… so it’s kind of weird for me to realize that some people might not just look at me like a person, and just look at me like a fan. Which I SHOULD be used to, I mean I’ve always had that happen with every other TV show or fandom, but I’ve been so into Leverage now that I guess I just forgot.
I AM just a fan. And it’s kind of stupid to think that I might be anyone just a little bit special. In that area anyway, I’m not speaking generally. Everyone’s a bit “special” in they’re own way, yeah? That’s what my mother always told me… -smirk-
And no, that wasn’t me being all ‘pity party’, I’m trying to say the truth here. Just… because no one ever gets that I don’t want pity. I state facts, and I state my own feelings on the matter. The two never get confused. Remember that.
I’m just disappointed. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be that one.
Disappointed.
Labels: beth riesgraf, twitter, websites
