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This was written yesterday... but then my internet went out. Just an FYI.



When I went to the store yesterday before work to go get cigarettes I saw Nicole drive by. She honked. We haven’t spoken since we yelled at each other in the car when she dropped me off on Wednesday. She knows I didn’t go to the interview though, seeing me on a curb at quarter past six was a dead give away since the interview was fifteen minutes prior to that. I feel bad about pissing her off, but this is my life. I can work this weekend, make the money for my license come Monday, and finally take care of myself again. You don’t know how good it feels for me to have money again, money I worked my ass off for.

It was kind of intoxicating to walk into the club with all the music and all the lights and all the pure energy that surrounded it. I had to wait though until the night manager came in, so I sat around for about an hour. Got a customer to buy me some drinks before I even officially became a stripper, which worked well for my benefit because he was the first guy I gave a dance to. He also paid me double for that one and the second one I gave him later, I don’t know why. I did tell him it was ten dollars (plus tips – always gotta add that lol).

The girls all seemed nice; no one hated me right off which was a nice change. I also don’t socialize too much though, I do say hi and I did compliment one girl on her dress because it was fabulous, but other than that I’m there to work and getting along with the other girls isn’t a major priority.

Since Nicole didn’t get me a corset, my fat ass only wore the dress. I still didn’t think it fit my figure, and even during lap dances I eventually had to take it off since my boobs wouldn’t stay out of it because it’s a loose low dip neck. I hate being completely naked, I don’t like how I look, but I wasn’t the only thick girl dancing either. To be fair though, the other one was bigger than I was, but she was more proportionate. Really I just hate my love handles, that’s the one thing I can’t deal with. I really wouldn’t care about being a bit thicker if only my body was proportionate. There’s a gym right by my house though, so I’ll be going to that once I have enough money. I’m sick of the way I look naked. My body has so much more potential than this.

Dancing in Atlanta is a bit different. Since the lap dances are cheaper it’s a lot easier to get them. Which while is good, I still feel like I do double the work for my money. The stage rotation though; I like it. In Dallas you would go from stage to stage to stage directly, here you do three on main, wait an hour or so until they call you to the bar stage and do three there, and then wait another hour or so and do another three on the last stage. It gives you breaks in between, it’s nice. I still fear the bar though, I’m convinced I’m going to fall off of it. And people are drinking and eating on there, I’m just waiting until I kick something over with my intoxicated ass.

I have to admit, it was a bit weird to be called Parker all day. I’ve changed stripper names quite a few times, and I can usually jump right into them. But everytime I hear Parker I still think of Beth, and get confused when someone’s calling me. I almost introduced myself as Faith a couple times too. The sad thing is, I realized “Parker” isn’t that much different from “Faith.” Changing my name doesn’t change my alter ego.

I manipulate the hell out of people, I hustle like nobody’s business, and one thing I am proud of and always will be proud of - I give one of the best lap dances you will ever have in your life, and I don’t even need to get naked for it. I’ll be the first to admit I suck on stage, but my lap dances are fucking killer. I do so much with my eyes, my lips, my tongue, just my expressions and small touches that aren’t even obscene in any way, just seductive. I personalize everything for the customer; I don’t just get naked and dance in front of you. I make it seem like you’re the only person that matters. I am skilled in the art of seduction, which is really what saves me from not being a size six.

I’m a liar though. I’m the most honest liar you will ever meet. I’ll be honest about everything about myself – what I do and what I’m about – but ask me to come chill out with you after work and I’ll say I will, and have absolutely no intention of doing so. I make you stay to the end of the night to give me all your money and then slip out the back. I know it’s wrong, but honestly I don’t know how someone could really think that someone they just met would go hang out with them at three in the morning. The only reason I can think of for someone to think that is to assume I’m either a) stupid or b) a whore, and if they think either of those things than they deserve to be conned.

The one thing I stupidly forgot about though is that when you take significant time off, it’s almost exactly like when you first start dancing. Take me: the non athletic, laziest person on the face of this planet. I don’t move unless I have to, and even then I do it with a scowl. So I don’t know why I was so shocked that I woke up this morning and couldn’t move. I’m serious. It’s like working out your whole body when you haven’t moved really in four months. It’s pain… everywhere. And I know it’s going to still be painful on Saturday when I go to work, but I’ll still have to. I need to make the money for my license, and shit, now my internet since the people I was stealing from decided to password it. And I won’t be working Sunday or Monday, due to Nicole’s birthday and then my other work I need to do on Monday.

I’m gonna be working my damn ass off. It’s been almost a year and a half since I used to work a steady schedule. It used to be Wednesday thru Saturday, and hell I used to take home at least $2500 within that time. I don’t expect that much money anymore, because let’s be realistic, the economy isn’t what it used to be. But even if I take home as little as $1000 a week working Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, then I should be okay to go home at the end of the month, be okay to fix this whole mess my life has become. And why not Wednesday thru Saturday, you ask? Ha, if you don’t know that, then you clearly don’t pay attention to the obsession side of my life.

Even last winter, I never worked on The Closer or Leverage nights. I just didn’t. It’s like a weekly holiday or something for me.

You know what I can’t wait for? Furniture. A damn living room… this apartment is so beautiful, I only hope I can decorate it as such. You know what I’d like but doubt will happen this year? I would love to go up to Portland to see Leverage being filmed, maybe at the end of August. I mean hell I could make the plane tickets in a night, the hotel and all other expenses in another. But while I’m sure I could, I don’t know if I should. I do have a lot of things to take care of here before I start planning vacations, but I don’t know… it’d make me happy, you know? I know that’s really lame, but it would.

Leverage has been a lot of things for me. It’s funny, because for a very long time Xena was the show that changed my life, and while yes, it did, and yes I still recognize that and respect it, I never really thought another would. I don’t usually get so directly impacted by… shit, anything really. I mean yeah things make me happy, I’ll get involved in fandoms, but for it to directly affect my own personal life is a rarity.

Xena made me for the first time realize it’s okay that I’m gay. And I know it’s not a gay show as such, but that’s really what made me feel okay with everything. It was just so normal; the love between Xena and Gabrielle was so natural, that it just made me feel good about myself. And yeah, the relationship is still questionable and it could be arguable that they weren’t lovers, but after awhile Lucy and Renee started playing it up because of the large lesbian following the show had. And what I love about it is that they didn’t play it up for ratings, they played it naturally. Like actual lesbians. I don’t know if that makes any sense. It was obscene or anything.

But not only that, Xena was the reason I was introduced to Hudson, who I recently actually wrote a letter to express my gratitude for all that she’s done for me, since I felt it was time. I won’t pretend I know her that well, but she was the first to ever try to help me out of my own shit hole. She was compassionate to someone she barely knew, and I will always remember that and respect her and love her for that. She was also how I realized that ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist. I had idol worship when I was younger, and she made me realize that everyone are just… people. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it was important for me to realize.

Leverage, when I first got into the fandom, it actually was my anti drug. It was the first time in a significant period that I had managed to clean myself up for a whole month and a half. And yes, I did fall off the wagon eventually, but for some reason it was for awhile. Maybe due to it putting my focus somewhere else besides my rapidly declining life, but it made me happy. With all the shit I was going through, it made me legitimately happy. It’s funny, when I first watched it I thought yeah, it was a cool show, and maybe something I’ll take the time out of my week to watch, but I never thought it would do… this.

I write a lot of Parker/Sophie fanfiction. And while maybe it’s a bit unhealthy that I like to live in this fantasy world and write about stuff I only wish could come true in my own life, but when I write about them I do feel this little glimmer of hope that maybe one day I might have something like that. And no, I don’t ever want them to get together on the show. If it isn’t clear with my other epic couples I like to write about (Xena/Gabrielle, Buffy/Faith) it’s all about the subtext. I don’t know why that is, but I rarely ever like canon lesbian couples. I do wish Beth and Gina played it up a bit more, I see more subtext with Eliot and Hardison with the looks Aldis and Christian will throw every now and then than I do with Parker and Sophie, honestly. I do think Gina plays it up a bit more than Beth does, which is funny because logically it would follow that Parker would be the one, at least that’s how it seems to me. I think the only one canon lesbian couple I truly enjoy though is Emily/Naomi from Skins, and that’s only due to it being the most real lesbian storyline I’ve seen from a show in such a long time.

Leverage… the fandom of it… I’m pretty known within it. It scares me a bit, to be honest. Not the online aspect of it, I love that part, but when I have to clash the two worlds together… that scares me. I’m kind of shy, honestly. To have these people know me, to have some of the fans know me, it’s scary to think about when I meet everyone face to face. But the thing I do love about it is that this is the first time my work, my passion, has been really recognized and appreciated. I’ve never had that. And it makes me feel really, really good. And I know I helped someone out in particular due to that, and that… it makes me feel good. To help someone. To help someone that helped me a bit, you know? It makes me feel really good about what I’m doing, and not have it just be another thing my mother tells me I’m wasting my time on.

Which, is funny. She did for awhile, you know. Tell me my Leverage obsession was just wasting time. Not in so many words, and never to my face. She still seems to have this delusion that what she says about me around David I won’t hear. And then something else happens in my real life, I get pulled out of my own shithole due to Leverage… and all of a sudden she’s happy. I don’t know, sometimes I feel my mother is a bit two faced.

Leverage has given me a new start to my life. And I still can’t talk fully as to how, but maybe one day. Maybe when the show has ended. But it’s very… important to me now. Sometimes I feel stupid that a television show can do these things for me and then I think about it, and that’s exactly why I want to work in television. It touches so many people; I’ve seen it happen even outside of myself. To be able to touch people like that, even indirectly, is really… it’s really amazing.

But I think I can wait a bit until I go up to Portland. It would be awesome to go at the end of next month, but I do have a real life I need to fix first. And some people have said to me, “Why wait? What if they don’t get a third season?” and seriously, I laugh. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be a third season, and that’s odd for me because I fear for most of my television shows. But really… I just don’t see it not happening. I mean look at our cult fandom, look at the awesome network it’s on. It’s not going anywhere for awhile.

I guess that’s it. Long winded Mary is done. I could go on and on honestly, but I think I made my point enough. Really, as bad as it is… stripping again, working again, has made me so happy and so… fucking hopeful. I feel much better about living in this moment than I have in the last six months.

I’m clean, I have my own apartment, I have two jobs, one of which I really enjoy and the other I enjoy the money of, and it’s just… good. Everything’s good right now.

Labels: leverage, stripping, xena

This was written yesterday... but then my internet went out. Just an FYI.



When I went to the store yesterday before work to go get cigarettes I saw Nicole drive by. She honked. We haven’t spoken since we yelled at each other in the car when she dropped me off on Wednesday. She knows I didn’t go to the interview though, seeing me on a curb at quarter past six was a dead give away since the interview was fifteen minutes prior to that. I feel bad about pissing her off, but this is my life. I can work this weekend, make the money for my license come Monday, and finally take care of myself again. You don’t know how good it feels for me to have money again, money I worked my ass off for.

It was kind of intoxicating to walk into the club with all the music and all the lights and all the pure energy that surrounded it. I had to wait though until the night manager came in, so I sat around for about an hour. Got a customer to buy me some drinks before I even officially became a stripper, which worked well for my benefit because he was the first guy I gave a dance to. He also paid me double for that one and the second one I gave him later, I don’t know why. I did tell him it was ten dollars (plus tips – always gotta add that lol).

The girls all seemed nice; no one hated me right off which was a nice change. I also don’t socialize too much though, I do say hi and I did compliment one girl on her dress because it was fabulous, but other than that I’m there to work and getting along with the other girls isn’t a major priority.

Since Nicole didn’t get me a corset, my fat ass only wore the dress. I still didn’t think it fit my figure, and even during lap dances I eventually had to take it off since my boobs wouldn’t stay out of it because it’s a loose low dip neck. I hate being completely naked, I don’t like how I look, but I wasn’t the only thick girl dancing either. To be fair though, the other one was bigger than I was, but she was more proportionate. Really I just hate my love handles, that’s the one thing I can’t deal with. I really wouldn’t care about being a bit thicker if only my body was proportionate. There’s a gym right by my house though, so I’ll be going to that once I have enough money. I’m sick of the way I look naked. My body has so much more potential than this.

Dancing in Atlanta is a bit different. Since the lap dances are cheaper it’s a lot easier to get them. Which while is good, I still feel like I do double the work for my money. The stage rotation though; I like it. In Dallas you would go from stage to stage to stage directly, here you do three on main, wait an hour or so until they call you to the bar stage and do three there, and then wait another hour or so and do another three on the last stage. It gives you breaks in between, it’s nice. I still fear the bar though, I’m convinced I’m going to fall off of it. And people are drinking and eating on there, I’m just waiting until I kick something over with my intoxicated ass.

I have to admit, it was a bit weird to be called Parker all day. I’ve changed stripper names quite a few times, and I can usually jump right into them. But everytime I hear Parker I still think of Beth, and get confused when someone’s calling me. I almost introduced myself as Faith a couple times too. The sad thing is, I realized “Parker” isn’t that much different from “Faith.” Changing my name doesn’t change my alter ego.

I manipulate the hell out of people, I hustle like nobody’s business, and one thing I am proud of and always will be proud of - I give one of the best lap dances you will ever have in your life, and I don’t even need to get naked for it. I’ll be the first to admit I suck on stage, but my lap dances are fucking killer. I do so much with my eyes, my lips, my tongue, just my expressions and small touches that aren’t even obscene in any way, just seductive. I personalize everything for the customer; I don’t just get naked and dance in front of you. I make it seem like you’re the only person that matters. I am skilled in the art of seduction, which is really what saves me from not being a size six.

I’m a liar though. I’m the most honest liar you will ever meet. I’ll be honest about everything about myself – what I do and what I’m about – but ask me to come chill out with you after work and I’ll say I will, and have absolutely no intention of doing so. I make you stay to the end of the night to give me all your money and then slip out the back. I know it’s wrong, but honestly I don’t know how someone could really think that someone they just met would go hang out with them at three in the morning. The only reason I can think of for someone to think that is to assume I’m either a) stupid or b) a whore, and if they think either of those things than they deserve to be conned.

The one thing I stupidly forgot about though is that when you take significant time off, it’s almost exactly like when you first start dancing. Take me: the non athletic, laziest person on the face of this planet. I don’t move unless I have to, and even then I do it with a scowl. So I don’t know why I was so shocked that I woke up this morning and couldn’t move. I’m serious. It’s like working out your whole body when you haven’t moved really in four months. It’s pain… everywhere. And I know it’s going to still be painful on Saturday when I go to work, but I’ll still have to. I need to make the money for my license, and shit, now my internet since the people I was stealing from decided to password it. And I won’t be working Sunday or Monday, due to Nicole’s birthday and then my other work I need to do on Monday.

I’m gonna be working my damn ass off. It’s been almost a year and a half since I used to work a steady schedule. It used to be Wednesday thru Saturday, and hell I used to take home at least $2500 within that time. I don’t expect that much money anymore, because let’s be realistic, the economy isn’t what it used to be. But even if I take home as little as $1000 a week working Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, then I should be okay to go home at the end of the month, be okay to fix this whole mess my life has become. And why not Wednesday thru Saturday, you ask? Ha, if you don’t know that, then you clearly don’t pay attention to the obsession side of my life.

Even last winter, I never worked on The Closer or Leverage nights. I just didn’t. It’s like a weekly holiday or something for me.

You know what I can’t wait for? Furniture. A damn living room… this apartment is so beautiful, I only hope I can decorate it as such. You know what I’d like but doubt will happen this year? I would love to go up to Portland to see Leverage being filmed, maybe at the end of August. I mean hell I could make the plane tickets in a night, the hotel and all other expenses in another. But while I’m sure I could, I don’t know if I should. I do have a lot of things to take care of here before I start planning vacations, but I don’t know… it’d make me happy, you know? I know that’s really lame, but it would.

Leverage has been a lot of things for me. It’s funny, because for a very long time Xena was the show that changed my life, and while yes, it did, and yes I still recognize that and respect it, I never really thought another would. I don’t usually get so directly impacted by… shit, anything really. I mean yeah things make me happy, I’ll get involved in fandoms, but for it to directly affect my own personal life is a rarity.

Xena made me for the first time realize it’s okay that I’m gay. And I know it’s not a gay show as such, but that’s really what made me feel okay with everything. It was just so normal; the love between Xena and Gabrielle was so natural, that it just made me feel good about myself. And yeah, the relationship is still questionable and it could be arguable that they weren’t lovers, but after awhile Lucy and Renee started playing it up because of the large lesbian following the show had. And what I love about it is that they didn’t play it up for ratings, they played it naturally. Like actual lesbians. I don’t know if that makes any sense. It was obscene or anything.

But not only that, Xena was the reason I was introduced to Hudson, who I recently actually wrote a letter to express my gratitude for all that she’s done for me, since I felt it was time. I won’t pretend I know her that well, but she was the first to ever try to help me out of my own shit hole. She was compassionate to someone she barely knew, and I will always remember that and respect her and love her for that. She was also how I realized that ‘perfect’ doesn’t exist. I had idol worship when I was younger, and she made me realize that everyone are just… people. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it was important for me to realize.

Leverage, when I first got into the fandom, it actually was my anti drug. It was the first time in a significant period that I had managed to clean myself up for a whole month and a half. And yes, I did fall off the wagon eventually, but for some reason it was for awhile. Maybe due to it putting my focus somewhere else besides my rapidly declining life, but it made me happy. With all the shit I was going through, it made me legitimately happy. It’s funny, when I first watched it I thought yeah, it was a cool show, and maybe something I’ll take the time out of my week to watch, but I never thought it would do… this.

I write a lot of Parker/Sophie fanfiction. And while maybe it’s a bit unhealthy that I like to live in this fantasy world and write about stuff I only wish could come true in my own life, but when I write about them I do feel this little glimmer of hope that maybe one day I might have something like that. And no, I don’t ever want them to get together on the show. If it isn’t clear with my other epic couples I like to write about (Xena/Gabrielle, Buffy/Faith) it’s all about the subtext. I don’t know why that is, but I rarely ever like canon lesbian couples. I do wish Beth and Gina played it up a bit more, I see more subtext with Eliot and Hardison with the looks Aldis and Christian will throw every now and then than I do with Parker and Sophie, honestly. I do think Gina plays it up a bit more than Beth does, which is funny because logically it would follow that Parker would be the one, at least that’s how it seems to me. I think the only one canon lesbian couple I truly enjoy though is Emily/Naomi from Skins, and that’s only due to it being the most real lesbian storyline I’ve seen from a show in such a long time.

Leverage… the fandom of it… I’m pretty known within it. It scares me a bit, to be honest. Not the online aspect of it, I love that part, but when I have to clash the two worlds together… that scares me. I’m kind of shy, honestly. To have these people know me, to have some of the fans know me, it’s scary to think about when I meet everyone face to face. But the thing I do love about it is that this is the first time my work, my passion, has been really recognized and appreciated. I’ve never had that. And it makes me feel really, really good. And I know I helped someone out in particular due to that, and that… it makes me feel good. To help someone. To help someone that helped me a bit, you know? It makes me feel really good about what I’m doing, and not have it just be another thing my mother tells me I’m wasting my time on.

Which, is funny. She did for awhile, you know. Tell me my Leverage obsession was just wasting time. Not in so many words, and never to my face. She still seems to have this delusion that what she says about me around David I won’t hear. And then something else happens in my real life, I get pulled out of my own shithole due to Leverage… and all of a sudden she’s happy. I don’t know, sometimes I feel my mother is a bit two faced.

Leverage has given me a new start to my life. And I still can’t talk fully as to how, but maybe one day. Maybe when the show has ended. But it’s very… important to me now. Sometimes I feel stupid that a television show can do these things for me and then I think about it, and that’s exactly why I want to work in television. It touches so many people; I’ve seen it happen even outside of myself. To be able to touch people like that, even indirectly, is really… it’s really amazing.

But I think I can wait a bit until I go up to Portland. It would be awesome to go at the end of next month, but I do have a real life I need to fix first. And some people have said to me, “Why wait? What if they don’t get a third season?” and seriously, I laugh. There is no doubt in my mind that there will be a third season, and that’s odd for me because I fear for most of my television shows. But really… I just don’t see it not happening. I mean look at our cult fandom, look at the awesome network it’s on. It’s not going anywhere for awhile.

I guess that’s it. Long winded Mary is done. I could go on and on honestly, but I think I made my point enough. Really, as bad as it is… stripping again, working again, has made me so happy and so… fucking hopeful. I feel much better about living in this moment than I have in the last six months.

I’m clean, I have my own apartment, I have two jobs, one of which I really enjoy and the other I enjoy the money of, and it’s just… good. Everything’s good right now.

Labels: leverage, stripping, xena

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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