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Oh, fucking… religion.

Religion is one of those things I’ve never really had. Well, no. I’ve had a religion before; I was Episcopalian (which, lets face it, is the only branch of Christianity near worth being apart of because they’re not judgmental assholes). I guess I just have never had faith in it, or anything else, though. I don’t believe in God, and I think the Bible is a bunch of crack that someone wrote while tripping on mushrooms way back in the beginning of the good old A.D.

Let me not go any further without a bit of a warning to all you all. I am not here to discuss religion with you, get into an argument or some kind of heated debate. This is my journal, and you either like it, or you don’t and keep your mouth shut. Clear? Lovely. Moving on.

For not having faith in my religion as a child/teenager, I adored my church. St. Johns Episcopal Church in Gloucester, MA. Great people, they really are. I was an acolyte for years, sung in choir (which, really, my voice isn’t that great, the one time I got a solo I swear I butchered it to hell and back again), and I loved going to Youth Group. Hell, I even went to like this bible camp one summer, which then got me obsessed with the movie “The Prince of Egypt”. You all seriously have no idea how much that cartoon movie rocks my socks. You really don’t. But anyway.

Youth group… that was the best. We would put on cabarets sometimes, and once again I point out the awesomeness that was my branch of the Christianity religion, because who else would let me make a dance to “I’m A Slave 4 U” by Britney Spears and perform it literally in the church. Oh, and I can’t forget one of the boys dressing in drag and lip syncing “Man, I Feel Like A Woman.” Yeah, that was my church. We were fucking cool. We even did little ceremonies for gay couples, even though it wasn’t legalized then there. I repeat, we were the shit.

But the problem was: I don’t believe in God. I just don’t. My problem is this: I’m too logical, and too rational, and too driven by needing proof of something before I can believe in it. Has any religion offered that to me? Ever? No. They all expect you to believe in something that’s completely ridiculous, and most suppress who you really are along the way (you meaning me, us, the gay folk of the world) because it’s “wrong”. How am I supposed to do that? Fuck and NO. I’m a big girl, and I don’t have to take that kind of crap if I don’t want to. So I just don’t.

As much as I loved my church, the branch of my once religion, I can’t find myself going to church anymore because what is it? Praying to a God I don’t believe in. And well, that doesn’t work out so well for me.

Now, I’m tolerable of other’s religions. While I have strong opinions on them and why I think most of them are absurd, I respect other people’s beliefs just because they have them. They have something that they can have faith in, and I am really, really jealous of that. Honestly.

So, here’s the part where most of you stop reading and shun me forever.

I’ve been looking into another religion very recently, mainly due to how hard its been for me to just… live. I need faith in something, I need help with a million things, and I got curious after a conversation I had with someone involving Beth.

Beth is a Scientologist.

Which, okay, I’ve known that pretty much since when I started looking stuff up about her. It’s really not difficult to figure out. Anyway, the actual conversation of how that came up doesn’t matter, it just got me thinking.

My brother was a Scientologist at one point. And frankly, in my opinion, even though I don’t even know if it’s his, I think it saved his fucking life. Before he came down to Atlanta to live with my sister he was… to put it mildly… angry. Like fucking I want to kill everyone with my bare hands kind of angry. Anyway, so he starts going to the Church here and after awhile… he got a lot better. Learned to live in the world, and granted while yeah everything still blows to Tartarus and back again, he’s still for the most part better for it.

I’ve known the controversy around this religion for awhile. And yes, people, I’m calling it a religion, and not a bloody cult like most do. It has enough followers to be classified as a religion, and it’s all tax-exempt and all that jazz so, henceforth: Religion.

Regardless.

The controversy. I know it, trust me. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the websites, I’ve heard the shit people say. But I’ve never really gotten there myself, at least I don’t remember doing so, because I think the first time I really even heard about it cared enough to listen was when my brother was going, and since he has since then come out better for being apart of it, I entirely respect it.

But I knew nothing about it. Not really, not until the last couple days. I’ve been reading. Like, a lot.

Now, while the whole aliens inhabiting out body thing and the Xenu story sounds like crack just like the bible to me, maybe sadly enough, I can believe that more than some big invisible man in the sky dictating out lives and creating a woman from a man’s freaking rib.

But once again, the proof thing. Yeah, so until you show me that I actually have little alien particles, or whatever it is, inside of me… yeah no.

However. And this is a big however.

They have a really stable drug program, which lets face it, I fucking need. I still want it all the time, and I know I’m hovering at screwing up my almost six months of being clean, and well… that would suck.

They also do this thing called Auditing, which is kind of like counseling only not really. It’s like helping you dispel negative shit from your mind. All that crap that makes you limited in your life. Anyway, I think that looks really useful.

And they totally hate the use of psychiatric drugs. Which I’m totally against too. Fuck all that bullshit.

But anyway, they don’t force you to believe in really anything, just kind of help you with a bunch of shit by taking you through levels of… shit. Yeah. Anyway.

I know so many of you are gonna be like “They’ll take your money!” and blah blah. Trust me, I’ve read hater sites as much as I have the pro-sites. I don’t do anything unprepared. And really, I’m still not 100% sure if I want to do anything at all. It’s just a lingering thought, something I might check out. If it’s not for me than hell, no harm in trying.

Frankly, I just need fucking help. Obviously.

So I’m going to try to talk more with my brother on it, get his opinion, before I actually go there. And if I do go there… I guess we’ll see how that goes. It’s just… something I’ve been reading about recently, and I just need… something. Something in my life.

So. I guess we’ll see.

Let the flaming begin.

Labels: religion

Oh, fucking… religion.

Religion is one of those things I’ve never really had. Well, no. I’ve had a religion before; I was Episcopalian (which, lets face it, is the only branch of Christianity near worth being apart of because they’re not judgmental assholes). I guess I just have never had faith in it, or anything else, though. I don’t believe in God, and I think the Bible is a bunch of crack that someone wrote while tripping on mushrooms way back in the beginning of the good old A.D.

Let me not go any further without a bit of a warning to all you all. I am not here to discuss religion with you, get into an argument or some kind of heated debate. This is my journal, and you either like it, or you don’t and keep your mouth shut. Clear? Lovely. Moving on.

For not having faith in my religion as a child/teenager, I adored my church. St. Johns Episcopal Church in Gloucester, MA. Great people, they really are. I was an acolyte for years, sung in choir (which, really, my voice isn’t that great, the one time I got a solo I swear I butchered it to hell and back again), and I loved going to Youth Group. Hell, I even went to like this bible camp one summer, which then got me obsessed with the movie “The Prince of Egypt”. You all seriously have no idea how much that cartoon movie rocks my socks. You really don’t. But anyway.

Youth group… that was the best. We would put on cabarets sometimes, and once again I point out the awesomeness that was my branch of the Christianity religion, because who else would let me make a dance to “I’m A Slave 4 U” by Britney Spears and perform it literally in the church. Oh, and I can’t forget one of the boys dressing in drag and lip syncing “Man, I Feel Like A Woman.” Yeah, that was my church. We were fucking cool. We even did little ceremonies for gay couples, even though it wasn’t legalized then there. I repeat, we were the shit.

But the problem was: I don’t believe in God. I just don’t. My problem is this: I’m too logical, and too rational, and too driven by needing proof of something before I can believe in it. Has any religion offered that to me? Ever? No. They all expect you to believe in something that’s completely ridiculous, and most suppress who you really are along the way (you meaning me, us, the gay folk of the world) because it’s “wrong”. How am I supposed to do that? Fuck and NO. I’m a big girl, and I don’t have to take that kind of crap if I don’t want to. So I just don’t.

As much as I loved my church, the branch of my once religion, I can’t find myself going to church anymore because what is it? Praying to a God I don’t believe in. And well, that doesn’t work out so well for me.

Now, I’m tolerable of other’s religions. While I have strong opinions on them and why I think most of them are absurd, I respect other people’s beliefs just because they have them. They have something that they can have faith in, and I am really, really jealous of that. Honestly.

So, here’s the part where most of you stop reading and shun me forever.

I’ve been looking into another religion very recently, mainly due to how hard its been for me to just… live. I need faith in something, I need help with a million things, and I got curious after a conversation I had with someone involving Beth.

Beth is a Scientologist.

Which, okay, I’ve known that pretty much since when I started looking stuff up about her. It’s really not difficult to figure out. Anyway, the actual conversation of how that came up doesn’t matter, it just got me thinking.

My brother was a Scientologist at one point. And frankly, in my opinion, even though I don’t even know if it’s his, I think it saved his fucking life. Before he came down to Atlanta to live with my sister he was… to put it mildly… angry. Like fucking I want to kill everyone with my bare hands kind of angry. Anyway, so he starts going to the Church here and after awhile… he got a lot better. Learned to live in the world, and granted while yeah everything still blows to Tartarus and back again, he’s still for the most part better for it.

I’ve known the controversy around this religion for awhile. And yes, people, I’m calling it a religion, and not a bloody cult like most do. It has enough followers to be classified as a religion, and it’s all tax-exempt and all that jazz so, henceforth: Religion.

Regardless.

The controversy. I know it, trust me. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the websites, I’ve heard the shit people say. But I’ve never really gotten there myself, at least I don’t remember doing so, because I think the first time I really even heard about it cared enough to listen was when my brother was going, and since he has since then come out better for being apart of it, I entirely respect it.

But I knew nothing about it. Not really, not until the last couple days. I’ve been reading. Like, a lot.

Now, while the whole aliens inhabiting out body thing and the Xenu story sounds like crack just like the bible to me, maybe sadly enough, I can believe that more than some big invisible man in the sky dictating out lives and creating a woman from a man’s freaking rib.

But once again, the proof thing. Yeah, so until you show me that I actually have little alien particles, or whatever it is, inside of me… yeah no.

However. And this is a big however.

They have a really stable drug program, which lets face it, I fucking need. I still want it all the time, and I know I’m hovering at screwing up my almost six months of being clean, and well… that would suck.

They also do this thing called Auditing, which is kind of like counseling only not really. It’s like helping you dispel negative shit from your mind. All that crap that makes you limited in your life. Anyway, I think that looks really useful.

And they totally hate the use of psychiatric drugs. Which I’m totally against too. Fuck all that bullshit.

But anyway, they don’t force you to believe in really anything, just kind of help you with a bunch of shit by taking you through levels of… shit. Yeah. Anyway.

I know so many of you are gonna be like “They’ll take your money!” and blah blah. Trust me, I’ve read hater sites as much as I have the pro-sites. I don’t do anything unprepared. And really, I’m still not 100% sure if I want to do anything at all. It’s just a lingering thought, something I might check out. If it’s not for me than hell, no harm in trying.

Frankly, I just need fucking help. Obviously.

So I’m going to try to talk more with my brother on it, get his opinion, before I actually go there. And if I do go there… I guess we’ll see how that goes. It’s just… something I’ve been reading about recently, and I just need… something. Something in my life.

So. I guess we’ll see.

Let the flaming begin.

Labels: religion

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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