Saturday, October 24, 2009
You won't understand this @ 11:33 AM
I need to get some stuff out, but again it’s one of those things that I just can’t talk about. This is the only time that it’s… it’s really hard for me. When I’m upset… I have to write about it to be able to understand it. To look at it right there, in black and white, and see all the things I wouldn’t be able to express otherwise. I just can’t talk about things when I’m upset, but then again I’m horrible at verbalizing any of my thoughts properly, that’s why I get in trouble so many times when I open my mouth. But when I write, I don’t think about what I’m typing. I just have all these thoughts rush through my head and my fingers try like hell to keep up. That’s one of the things I just love about being able to type without looking at the keyboard, though at the same time it’s proof how much damn time I spend on this thing, because it just happened when I was like… fifteen. One day I just noticed I wasn’t looking anymore. Ha.
I’m terribly hung over and sleep deprived, so I’m sorry if this doesn’t flow as well as it usually would.
Yesterday I got in trouble, and what’s even worse is that I got someone else in trouble for what I did. And what’s even worse about that? I was trying to help. I seriously thought what I was doing would help, but all it did was make things worse. That’s what really eats at me, when shit like that happens. Because here I am, I just don’t understand… fuck, people. I suppose. I don’t, and I hate that. I see the world so differently than other people do, I guess. I see people as people, as another human being with feelings and emotions and a whole life of their own. Just think about that for a moment. Have any of you ever really just thought about that? I think about that all the time, and that’s how I see everyone around me. But because of that, I forget that people don’t see me that way. And it offends me, honestly. That to someone I can be both nothing and someone at the same time, if that makes sense.
It’s really hard to write about this without say explicitly what’s going on. That, and the fact that I’m jumping around to different issues, bit confusing for myself. One of the issues I can't talk about. The other I don't want to talk about explicitly for fear on how I'll be judged. But this doesn’t have to make sense to you.
It hurts my feelings. I don’t reach out to many people, let alone try to find relatable ground with them. And then I do, and it’s passed off because to that person I really am just… no one. It makes me want to say fuck you, and just stop. I understand what I do can be considered a little fucking insane. But I am insane, honestly. By definition, yes, I am. But it’s not a bad thing for me. I just realized that I see the world in a different light, and hell, I think if everyone saw the world the way I do that people would understand a whole lot more. I constantly try to find the beauty in something so simple and amplify it. Half the time I don’t even know what exactly is so beautiful about it… it just… IS. I get amazing feeling off of other people, I can see something deeper, even if I have no idea what it is that I’m looking it. And I’ve accepted the way I am, but the problem is that I can’t just accept other people. I can’t accept other people who conform to all these ridiculous society rules. I’m passionate, and people just cannot understand that. I’m just so sick of everyone thinking of me like I’m some sort of freak, and also not… fucking just stop and realize for ONE moment how much damn work and effort and love I can put into something. Shit just doesn’t fall from out of the fucking sky, people. I’m so fucking… OFFENDED right now.
But at the same time, I’m also mad at myself. I should know by now that I’m horrible with people. I’m such a loner, so when I do reach out, I do to very, very few people. I’m really selective in my interaction with my species. I think that’s what makes it worse though. Because I am selective, I feel like people should be happy I do happen to think that they are worth giving two shits about, and just fucking… be the same way. That’s my grandeur problem too though. I hate that I have that, because it’s such a horrible and stuck up thing to have. But it’s some kind of problem in my brain, it’s not that I’m snobby because I’m not. I don’t act it, I don’t say things like that out loud because I know exactly how wrong it is. But I can’t help but think it. But that’s how it is. If I take the time out of my damn day to care, which I rarely do, the least you can fucking do is be thankful about it.
On another note: I love what I do. It makes me happy, but the attention doesn’t. The attention has screwed up everything. I miss the days when I was anonymous. When I was a nobody. Because once you become somebody, it rips you to shreds inside to find out that you’re still a nobody. I loved getting noticed for something I do that I just… fucking adore doing. I’ve always been noticed because I’m pretty, because I have this compulsive need to get naked and be a damn whore. But to be noticed for what you can do, your talent, your mind… that’s amazing. You all have no idea how wonderful it feels for someone like me. But I foolishly thought that because I was finally being seen as me, as who I am and what I can do outside of all the superficial bullshit that people would see me as a person. As a human being. And I… I never will. And that hurts, so much. You have no idea how much that kills me. I’ve always been a sex object, I’ve always been nothing but that. A sex object is not a person, is not human, and I accepted that. But this? I thought this was what made me a person and apparently it makes me some kind of psychotic bitch instead. And it’s just… terribly disappointing. Makes my heart hurt. I don’t know what it is that makes me a person anymore. I thought it was this… but I guess not.
I fucking hate this society. No one in this bloody world thinks like a rational human being anymore. It’s really fucked up when I have doubts about writing about something because this whole damn world has been brainwashed to believe that something so simple, so fucking HUMAN, is wrong. It’s fucked up that I just thought of that and then thought: “or maybe that’s just how crazy people think.” It’s so GOD DAMN RIDICULOUS that this world is so tainted by this image of what’s “right” that’s just so… WRONG. And it makes me upset that because I think it’s wrong that everyone’s gonna think I’m insane for it, when it’s all so damn clear in my head.
My world is not yours, and to be fucking frank, my world makes a whole lot more sense than yours does. I feel sorry that you all have to live in the shitty world that you do.
I am a person. You are a person. So stop bloody thinking about me as… a damn IDEA.
Labels: fucking upset
