Monday, December 21, 2009
ignore this, I'm just saving it @ 2:51 PM
Sorry, you can ignore this. I'm taking everyone off one of my old MySpace pages to use for something else, and I came across this. I thought I lost everything that had to do with this retreat.
Hudson: Theres millions of jobs in the world. Your identity is tied up with stripping.
Me: I havent been doing it that long though.
Hudson: ....Its Sunday, you have more makeup on than Tammy Faye Bakker, and your wearing like a bikini top. And its COLD outside.
***
Me: I dont believe it.
Hudson: I know you dont, thats why you continue to take all the actions you take. You dont feel you are, but thats a lie. [pause] Do you believe in God? [I shake my head no] Okay.
Me: I believe in something more than us but--
Hudson: Thats fine.You dont like the word and thats fine. So whatever put us here, cause nobody knows, we act like we know but we dont know what the fuck we're doing even the language we're speaking is all made up. Its all made up by somebody else. And it cant even touch as much as my emotions do. This limited speach, that I'm trying to communicate with you. And you still cant understand everything I'm saying, even with the same language. Whatever brough us here, the unknowing, but whatever brought us here, and beauty of whatever we're in, this soup that we're in. This procreation that makes sharks and snakes and aligators... and clouds and the world. Whatever it is, I dont know what it is, but I know we're part of it. Your a part of it too. You are no more and no less than the sun, or stardust, or a flower, or a shark, or me. You are equal to all of that, because you are apart of it. So whatever made us didnt make us seperate and different. Its only us, human beings with a mind. Have you ever seen a really unhappy bird? A bird that judges itself? A bird that looks at itself and goes "wow my feathers are really a mess today"? No, birds dont do that. Animals dont do that. Humans do that. Now if you see a cat or dog that seem neurotic, its not that cat or dogs fault. It lives with humans. Its what we project upon it.
***
Me: I dont know anything. I just want to and I pretend I do.
Hudson: Right. Thats probably the truest statement I've heard you say so far. So my guess is that you are ready. If not now, when?
Me: I'm scared.
Hudson: So change that. Look at me. [I do] Change it. Change it. Buy something called The Secret. Buy the video The Secret. You can look it up online, you can get it through google. THE SECRET. I want your word that your going to get it.
***
Hudson: How do you FEEL?
Me: [thinks about it for a little bit] ... Calmer.
Hudson: Good.... Good. [pause] You know its funny when I see you sometimes, and I probably shouldnt tell you this, but when I see you, I wish you were my own child, and I could have raised you from when you were a little girl.
<3 her. Ninteen year old confused me... this was shit from a tarot reading she did with me. I tape recorded it so I could remember what she said, cause she's very insightful. I did at one point have the whole thing, but that's lost now.
Oh, more stuff I want to save for reasons you don't need to know. Maybe I don't even know.
I cut myself at least once every two weeks at that fifteen. I cried almost every day. I'd look at myself in the mirror and try to suck in my stomach and get rid of my love handles to see what I would look like if I was skinny. I hated every part of myself, because I felt like nothing.
Most of my friends always had boyfriends. I didn't. Granted, I was gay (or at least came out by that age), but I didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't go on dates. I didn't do anything. All my friends were skinnier than me, prettier than me. ANd I hated it. I hated when my friends asked me what size pants I wore and I had to answer 9. I would kill to be a 9 again lmao. But they were all sizes 3-5-7 and I felt huge.
I tell people I like stripping and modeling now because for the first time in my life I'm pretty. Where in reality, I was always pretty. I just never knew it.
But to be truthful, it wasnt high school that effected my self esteem the worst, it was Jr. High. Because thats when my FRIENDS were cruel to me. In high school it was the usual bullshit, but in Jr. High I was fucked up by how my friends treated me. I did think I had gotten prettier in high school then when I was in Jr. High, but I still felt ugly. Heres me in Jr. High, when I was being treated like dirt by my friends:
Thirteen years old. WHen I first started cutting myself. My friends would make fun of me cause I dressed in dark clothes, when they all dressed like preps. When we walked to school I had to walk on the street because "dogs couldnt walk on the sidewalk", they wouldnt take pictures of me because my "rolls would show".
Yeah, for real. I was a size 6 then too.
And I put up with it because I wanted to have friends. I didn't want to be alone. I probably would have been better off alone.
And people wonder why I have jacked up self esteem. I block alot of shit out about my teenage years. You know, I FORGOT how shitty I was treated in middle school until I found my diary when I was like, shit, maybe 19? I went OFF on my best friend. Hard fucking core went OFF. God... It was like 5 years too late, but whatever.
Labels: hudson leick
Monday, December 21, 2009
ignore this, I'm just saving it @ 2:51 PM
Sorry, you can ignore this. I'm taking everyone off one of my old MySpace pages to use for something else, and I came across this. I thought I lost everything that had to do with this retreat.
Hudson: Theres millions of jobs in the world. Your identity is tied up with stripping.
Me: I havent been doing it that long though.
Hudson: ....Its Sunday, you have more makeup on than Tammy Faye Bakker, and your wearing like a bikini top. And its COLD outside.
***
Me: I dont believe it.
Hudson: I know you dont, thats why you continue to take all the actions you take. You dont feel you are, but thats a lie. [pause] Do you believe in God? [I shake my head no] Okay.
Me: I believe in something more than us but--
Hudson: Thats fine.You dont like the word and thats fine. So whatever put us here, cause nobody knows, we act like we know but we dont know what the fuck we're doing even the language we're speaking is all made up. Its all made up by somebody else. And it cant even touch as much as my emotions do. This limited speach, that I'm trying to communicate with you. And you still cant understand everything I'm saying, even with the same language. Whatever brough us here, the unknowing, but whatever brought us here, and beauty of whatever we're in, this soup that we're in. This procreation that makes sharks and snakes and aligators... and clouds and the world. Whatever it is, I dont know what it is, but I know we're part of it. Your a part of it too. You are no more and no less than the sun, or stardust, or a flower, or a shark, or me. You are equal to all of that, because you are apart of it. So whatever made us didnt make us seperate and different. Its only us, human beings with a mind. Have you ever seen a really unhappy bird? A bird that judges itself? A bird that looks at itself and goes "wow my feathers are really a mess today"? No, birds dont do that. Animals dont do that. Humans do that. Now if you see a cat or dog that seem neurotic, its not that cat or dogs fault. It lives with humans. Its what we project upon it.
***
Me: I dont know anything. I just want to and I pretend I do.
Hudson: Right. Thats probably the truest statement I've heard you say so far. So my guess is that you are ready. If not now, when?
Me: I'm scared.
Hudson: So change that. Look at me. [I do] Change it. Change it. Buy something called The Secret. Buy the video The Secret. You can look it up online, you can get it through google. THE SECRET. I want your word that your going to get it.
***
Hudson: How do you FEEL?
Me: [thinks about it for a little bit] ... Calmer.
Hudson: Good.... Good. [pause] You know its funny when I see you sometimes, and I probably shouldnt tell you this, but when I see you, I wish you were my own child, and I could have raised you from when you were a little girl.
<3 her. Ninteen year old confused me... this was shit from a tarot reading she did with me. I tape recorded it so I could remember what she said, cause she's very insightful. I did at one point have the whole thing, but that's lost now.
Oh, more stuff I want to save for reasons you don't need to know. Maybe I don't even know.
I cut myself at least once every two weeks at that fifteen. I cried almost every day. I'd look at myself in the mirror and try to suck in my stomach and get rid of my love handles to see what I would look like if I was skinny. I hated every part of myself, because I felt like nothing.
Most of my friends always had boyfriends. I didn't. Granted, I was gay (or at least came out by that age), but I didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't go on dates. I didn't do anything. All my friends were skinnier than me, prettier than me. ANd I hated it. I hated when my friends asked me what size pants I wore and I had to answer 9. I would kill to be a 9 again lmao. But they were all sizes 3-5-7 and I felt huge.
I tell people I like stripping and modeling now because for the first time in my life I'm pretty. Where in reality, I was always pretty. I just never knew it.
But to be truthful, it wasnt high school that effected my self esteem the worst, it was Jr. High. Because thats when my FRIENDS were cruel to me. In high school it was the usual bullshit, but in Jr. High I was fucked up by how my friends treated me. I did think I had gotten prettier in high school then when I was in Jr. High, but I still felt ugly. Heres me in Jr. High, when I was being treated like dirt by my friends:
Thirteen years old. WHen I first started cutting myself. My friends would make fun of me cause I dressed in dark clothes, when they all dressed like preps. When we walked to school I had to walk on the street because "dogs couldnt walk on the sidewalk", they wouldnt take pictures of me because my "rolls would show".
Yeah, for real. I was a size 6 then too.
And I put up with it because I wanted to have friends. I didn't want to be alone. I probably would have been better off alone.
And people wonder why I have jacked up self esteem. I block alot of shit out about my teenage years. You know, I FORGOT how shitty I was treated in middle school until I found my diary when I was like, shit, maybe 19? I went OFF on my best friend. Hard fucking core went OFF. God... It was like 5 years too late, but whatever.
Labels: hudson leick
i my me mine.
you think you know me yeah ?
My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to
fly.
credits.
