Monday, June 28, 2010
you gave me sanity, then took it away just as fast @ 11:10 AM
I keep waiting for things to change.
I keep waiting to wake up one morning and for everything to feel okay. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal. I keep waiting for the silly joy over stupid things to come back; to get excited over, hell, anything, no matter how small. I keep waiting for the overwhelming desire to create and obsess because without that focus I feel slightly lost. I keep waiting to finally stop crying.
Fuck, I keep waiting to not feel
sick every time I try to watch my favorite fucking television show.
I keep foolishly waiting for things that probably aren’t going to change for awhile.
I’m not such a child to be upset over what happened. That I’m okay with; it’s not the end of the world. Yes, it made me happy, but so did a lot of other things before it. It’s not that it happened, it’s
why it happened; what it means.
I seriously can’t watch Leverage without it feeling like it’s completely fucking destroying my self esteem. How fucked is that? I watched a whole five minutes of the “The Inside Job” before I had to turn it off, and that was the episode I had been so fucking excited about seeing for
months now. And yeah, I could have sat there and watched it and felt like shit the entire time, but fuck that. I’m not going to ruin it. I’d rather wait and see if things change and
then watch it and feel the excitement and happiness I was supposed to in the first place.
Nothing should have this much power over me. I should be able to say “fuck you” to everyone and everything and enjoy the things I’ve always enjoyed. But no, because my brain is excellent at destroying my sanity, I can’t. It’s not fucking fair.
What’s worse is that I think I defined myself by my place in the Leverage fandom, because now I feel like I don’t know who the hell I am. Yeah, that’s really screwed up. But hey, I have a mental disorder; at least I have an excuse.
And it’s fucked, you know, that people know I’m upset, and because of it are sending me all these things that if this was any other problem, would put a smile on my face. But not now. Now, they keep sending me reminders of the fucking problem and I can’t even tell people to quit it because the last thing I need is to get in trouble for things I’m not allowed to talk about.
Yeah, I hate this whole “not allowed” thing. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have feelings and that other people are more important than I am. No, no one gives half a fuck about Mary’s sanity, all everyone cares about is catering to the rest of the fucking world and making sure
they’re okay.
Thanks for piling the self esteem issues on more.
But at the same time, even if I was allowed, I don’t think I would. The problem isn’t anyone else’s business but my own and the people it involves. I’m also not a complete asshole and don’t exactly have the desire to fuck things up for other people, no matter what they’ve done or how they’ve made me feel.
Probably because a part of me still feels like I owe them something.Which, by the way, that feeling is that I’m not good enough; that people fucking look down on me. Like I’m some dirty little secret that should be hidden away and never spoke of.
Normally I’d just tell people to go fuck themselves, and while that was my initial reaction, I think the main reason why this is fucking me up so badly is because all of this is coupled with a huge feeling of disappointment. No, I’m sorry; devastation. I’m fucking devastated.
Maybe it’s my fault for assuming that not everyone in this world is a complete asshole though. Whatever.
I just hope that somehow, some fucking way soon, that this feeling stops. I don’t care how and I don’t care why, but I can’t stand feeling like this. But there seems to be no way for me to actually resolve this and get some real answers so… I think I’m kinda stuck this way for awhile.
*sigh*
I just wanna fucking smile again.
Labels: depression, leverage
Monday, June 28, 2010
you gave me sanity, then took it away just as fast @ 11:10 AM
I keep waiting for things to change.
I keep waiting to wake up one morning and for everything to feel okay. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal. I keep waiting for the silly joy over stupid things to come back; to get excited over, hell, anything, no matter how small. I keep waiting for the overwhelming desire to create and obsess because without that focus I feel slightly lost. I keep waiting to finally stop crying.
Fuck, I keep waiting to not feel
sick every time I try to watch my favorite fucking television show.
I keep foolishly waiting for things that probably aren’t going to change for awhile.
I’m not such a child to be upset over what happened. That I’m okay with; it’s not the end of the world. Yes, it made me happy, but so did a lot of other things before it. It’s not that it happened, it’s
why it happened; what it means.
I seriously can’t watch Leverage without it feeling like it’s completely fucking destroying my self esteem. How fucked is that? I watched a whole five minutes of the “The Inside Job” before I had to turn it off, and that was the episode I had been so fucking excited about seeing for
months now. And yeah, I could have sat there and watched it and felt like shit the entire time, but fuck that. I’m not going to ruin it. I’d rather wait and see if things change and
then watch it and feel the excitement and happiness I was supposed to in the first place.
Nothing should have this much power over me. I should be able to say “fuck you” to everyone and everything and enjoy the things I’ve always enjoyed. But no, because my brain is excellent at destroying my sanity, I can’t. It’s not fucking fair.
What’s worse is that I think I defined myself by my place in the Leverage fandom, because now I feel like I don’t know who the hell I am. Yeah, that’s really screwed up. But hey, I have a mental disorder; at least I have an excuse.
And it’s fucked, you know, that people know I’m upset, and because of it are sending me all these things that if this was any other problem, would put a smile on my face. But not now. Now, they keep sending me reminders of the fucking problem and I can’t even tell people to quit it because the last thing I need is to get in trouble for things I’m not allowed to talk about.
Yeah, I hate this whole “not allowed” thing. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have feelings and that other people are more important than I am. No, no one gives half a fuck about Mary’s sanity, all everyone cares about is catering to the rest of the fucking world and making sure
they’re okay.
Thanks for piling the self esteem issues on more.
But at the same time, even if I was allowed, I don’t think I would. The problem isn’t anyone else’s business but my own and the people it involves. I’m also not a complete asshole and don’t exactly have the desire to fuck things up for other people, no matter what they’ve done or how they’ve made me feel.
Probably because a part of me still feels like I owe them something.Which, by the way, that feeling is that I’m not good enough; that people fucking look down on me. Like I’m some dirty little secret that should be hidden away and never spoke of.
Normally I’d just tell people to go fuck themselves, and while that was my initial reaction, I think the main reason why this is fucking me up so badly is because all of this is coupled with a huge feeling of disappointment. No, I’m sorry; devastation. I’m fucking devastated.
Maybe it’s my fault for assuming that not everyone in this world is a complete asshole though. Whatever.
I just hope that somehow, some fucking way soon, that this feeling stops. I don’t care how and I don’t care why, but I can’t stand feeling like this. But there seems to be no way for me to actually resolve this and get some real answers so… I think I’m kinda stuck this way for awhile.
*sigh*
I just wanna fucking smile again.
Labels: depression, leverage
credits.
