Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Pretending @ 6:28 PM
Have you ever been relieved and terrified at the same time? It’s a really awkward combination of emotions.
Everyone’s been asking what I did, why I’m crying, how I could fuck possibly fuck things up, etc, and frankly; I’m honest about a lot, but I have to keep this to myself right now. I’ve talked to a few friends who have assured me I did the right thing, but the fact of the matter is I won’t know until later. I don’t need everyone and their mother knowing what I’m going through right now because it’s already really difficult for me and I guess I never realized how much this is going to affect my emotional state. I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to cry that much; think I got some backed up emotions going on here.
It’s also an awkward feeling when you don’t know if you’re crying because you feel better or because you hate who you are, or who you pretended you were, by the way. It’s confusing.
There’s a lot about myself that I’ve hidden from some people, and I guess this ended up being the day where I snapped. I couldn’t go on pretending being someone I’m not and it was too hard to keep up the false façade. And the messed up thing¬ is that I didn’t snap out of anger or frustration; I snapped out of desperation to try to get my point across to try to help someone else.
God, it just makes me sick how fake it all was though. Carefully worded sentences with little smiley faces wrapped up in this pretty little bow of complete absurdity. I’m not that person. Not that I can’t be that person, because I have my moments, but I’m sick of talking to people like they’re made of fucking glass.
I believe most human beings are stronger than we give them credit for.
I don’t know; I just wanted to help and this was the only way I knew how. Hopefully it’ll be taken as such. I could be making a huge deal out of nothing, after all, but I can’t help it after someone said something to me that’s had me terrified and on guard for months now. Sad thing is, I really don’t think they realized how much of an impact one simple sentence had on me.
I know I’m not normal; I don’t think normal and I damn sure don’t talk that way, and to basically assume that someone wouldn’t like me the way I really am, even indirectly, when I’m in this place where I’m striving for approval; it kind of fucked with me. It’s like hey thanks, I had insecurities before, but way to just layer it on! Thanks, really. Jesus.
Especially coming from someone who’s opinion means the world to me… it just, fuck, messed my head up a bit.
( it messed it up a lot )
This probably wouldn’t be as bad if I didn’t always attach myself to the parental figure in so many people. You’d think with the way I so desperately strive for approval with these people that I had parents that didn’t love me. But I did. I do. My parents love me and care about me. So why do I still need that nurturing/protective nature from other people? I desperately need people to love me. Not be in love with me, but just love me. I want love and acceptance and yeah, approval. Maybe it’s cause I’ve grown up thinking I’m not worth shit, that I’m no one, and so I kind of attach myself to any kind of praise or support I get like a drug. And once I start looking at these people like that, it makes me take everything they say like advice, something I need to do, even if it ends up only being just an opinion.
But we all know I don’t follow the leader for very long. I try, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not in my nature.
Like it or not, I’m an adult and I’m going to make my own decisions, even if they end up being bad ones. I feel like I can breathe a bit better finally though and I like that feeling. I also feel like I can also help when I’m me and not some robotic over thinking fucktard. And I want to help. That was the point. Something that someone said really bothered me and made me feel for them on a very human level, but I have a different opinion, or point of view, on the matter then them and blunt honesty was the only way I could properly express it.
I hope I did the right thing. I really do.
Labels: taking off the mask
