Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Leverage FanCon 2011 @ 12:58 AM

Since ConCon 2011 was cancelled, a couple of us put on FanCon 2011 instead for those fans that couldn’t switch their flights and whatnot. It was really small, but hella fucking cool. Electric Entertainment took the time out of their schedules to put together a screening for the premiere of season four, a walking locations tour, and a set tour. Not only that, but Gina Bellman, Tim Hutton, and Aldis Hodge showed up! Since none of them were getting paid for all this, it was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever seen a show do for their fans.


Though I loved ConCon last year, it was nice to actually not have every single second of every single day scheduled. It gave us a lot more time to hang out with our friends and be awesomely stupid and amazing. “Boobs” was the primary topic of the weekend though I guess with my friends, no surprise there xD I drank… probably far too much than I should have in the span of four days, but hey; it’s vacation.

I got laid, lol, which was nice. However that did cause some drama which I wasn’t really prepared for since I’ve never actually thought people gave much of a shit about what I did.

I wish Beth had been there, but I guess she had her kid for the weekend. It would have been nice to… I don’t know. Even if she had come, I doubt we would have had the chance to actually talk, so I don’t know what I wanted. It probably doesn’t matter.

But it was seriously one of the funnest weekends of my life. The end of the month is probably gonna be looking the same way with some of our friends coming down for the Kane concert and Ali’s birthday. Then Rikki’s birthday is like a week or two after I think.

I can’t talk about the season four premiere specifically, but let me say this: number one, it was fucking amazing; and number two, there’s a part in there that’s gonna have you crying. And me? I don’t cry usually. But I totally did, I’ll admit it lol.

I didn’t do the set tour last year so I’m glad I got to this weekend. Seeing it was… really fucking cool. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like, you see it on your screen but then you’re fucking in it and… yeah. Just fucking cool as shit, dude.

I’m still wiped from the weekend so I’m not going to do into any more depth with this, but I loved every second of it, and I can’t wait for either the next ConCon or the next FanCon. At this point, it doesn’t matter if it’s official or not because Leverage fans still know how to have a good fucking time regardless.

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Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Angie Harmon Drama I Seemed To Have Missed... @ 6:10 AM

I'm really late to the party with this one, but I have been out of the R&I fandom since shortly after season one ended. I'm sure I'll be back full swing by season two, but in the meantime I actually do like to occupy myself with fandoms that are currently airing. Unfortunately, I have a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time; probably due to the way my BPD likes to the process things. That and in the last six months I haven't exactly paid much attention to my Twitter feed, which is where this whole dramafest went down in the first place.

Anyway, recently I decided that since my fan fic muse for virtually every fandom has been shot to fuck and back again, I should probably catch up on my fic reading. At the moment, I'm currently reading the Jane/Maura fics I missed during my little hiatus, or whatever you'd like to call it. So I'm searching though LJ for a fic that's has both a decent plot, is multi-chaptered, and mature rated (which sadly is quite a tall order now a days for some reason) when I stumbled upon a link to this post. Needless to say, the amount of discussions/comments on it in intrigued me, so I read it. In it's entirety, actually; which my ADD usually cannot comprehending doing. Due to how much drama it caused on top of the drama it was about, it has since been locked for additional comments. But I'm opinionated and even though this is late in actuality, it's completely new to me. And since I actually had a reaction when I read what Angie said, I figured I should share.

While I believe a lot of it was blown up to be something much bigger than it really was, I understand the feelings on this. The second I read what Angie posted, I got really disappointed. This going to sound extremely controversial and probably shouldn't be the topic I start with, but I have to be honest as to why I felt that way, because it may be part of the reason other's felt that way as well.

I think, personally, that that was my initial reaction because eight months ago or so, I was worried about R&I's fate once I read that Angie Harmon was a Republican. Basically, if the R&I writers did at some point decide to go the gay way, would Angie object to it? Now, I'm not political in the slightest. I don't align myself with anyone nor do I ever think I will. But I will be the first to admit that I stereotype Republicans to hell and back because the only thing I have ever read about them is how they are so completely anti-gay. So, frankly, I find no reason to tolerate a group of people who seem to hate the fact that I even exist.

Now, I'm sure there's more to them than that. I'm sure not every Republican is like that. But when that's the only perspective you've had on them, it's a little hard to not be bitter towards any and all of them when it comes to gay issues.

But, because I've always liked Angie's work, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided to not relate my personal feelings on Republicans to her, since who we are isn't decided by our political alignment, religious preference, etc. So I found it kind of ridiculous when people started to call her homophobic. As a whole, yeah, I believe Republican's are homophobic - it seems to be the majority, at least from what I've seen (and there is a very strong possibility I may just be extremely naive). But any community is made up of individuals and while the majority might be something, that doesn't mean that everyone is.

Is Angie Harmon homophobic? I don't know. No one would really know except for her, I think. Do I think what she wrote was homophobic? No way. Do I think what she wrote wasn't the smartest choice in regards to wording? A million times yes; her response came off as completely dismissive to the lesbian fanbase. Do I think she meant to offend the lesbian community? Not at all. Do I feel like she did? No; I believe she disappointed us all rather than offended us.

In basic phrasing: she popped our bubble. We had this nice, happy, LA LA LAND Jane/Maura bubble going on and she took a needle to it and popped it. Whether it was intentional or not, it happened. I think because Sasha has, as it was pointed out, been so accommodating to the lesbian aspect of the fandom, that we had been a bit spoiled. Some of us assumed Angie would be just as accommodating. I think she is accommodating in some sense, but just isn't up to Sasha's standards of it all. And that just comes down to the fact that they are two different people with two different outlooks and personalities. It's nothing against Angie, but comparisons are bound to be made.

Frankly, I've always figured Sasha to be the more accommodating one just because of how they act in the series. Subtext wise, I believe Sasha plays it up a lot more than Angie does, which is probably why I write fics where Maura is the one that's crushing on an oblivious Jane. It seems more canon to me than the opposite. That's not to say Angie doesn't do the subtext, because she does, but I don't think it's quite as forthcoming. Angie in a way doesn't even have to be, because Jane is so obviously butch. Her sexuality is just assumed based on the way she acts, dresses, and carries herself. Frankly, due to Jane's characterization in the show, I think it's laughable as hell that she would be considered straight in the first place. I believe Jane believes herself to be straight, which in some ways is why I like it. I think it portrays a pretty accurate description of closeted life.

And this is where people start harping in about the books. About how in the books Jane is straight and her and Maura are nothing more then friends. I'm sorry, it makes me wonder if any of them have even read the books. Jane and Maura are polite to each other, sure, and maybe yeah you can consider them friends, but it's so far off from the television show. The show already fucked book canon to hell and back and you know what? That's why it's good. I enjoy the books, but in no way would I think it would be half as successful if they didn't improve on Jane and Maura's relationship. While I enjoy cop shows (L&O, The Closer) I've never been drawn to the fandom of any of them because they rarely put emphasis on personal relationships, which is where true fandom comes from. R&I does and it makes it fucking fantastic.

Furthermore, I think the mere suggestion that Angie didn't know about the lesbian fanbase/subtext is fucking ridiculous. There is no way that she didn't know. Why? Because even before it aired, the show was written catering to the lesbian subtext. It's in the script, in the words they say to each other, in the way they end up in bed together. Fuck, they had a lesbian episode, which screamed the show knew exactly what they were doing. A lot of the subtext is up to the actors, sure, but not all of it. The show was so blatantly written as a subtext show. The subtext is so goddamn apparently that you don't have to be shipper to see it. Hell, its practically maintext by how obvious it is. Even my straight friends, my straight friends who don't do or know about fandom shipping at all were like "Wow, this show is really gay." Christ, even my mother thinks that the gayness is obvious (she's a fan too - though obviously not quite in the same way I am).

So yeah, Angie knew. She'd have to be stupid not to, which I don't think she is. A little ditsy sure, but certainly not stupid.

I think the main problem is what Angie doesn't know, nor realize, is the kind of impact that the show has on the gay community. I compare it to Xena because I think that's probably the most accurate comparison I could ever compare it to. Xena was not a "lesbian" show, just as R&I isn't a "lesbian" show. They both had subtext that the actors and writers catered to, but not once did they find themselves in bed with each other in that way. Did that make it any less good? Fuck no! Intentional subtext is just as good as maintext to me. Now, if Xena would have aired NOW instead of mid 90s, I'm sure they would have turned it into maintext eventually (if they do a movie, it's been said that they plan to). Will R&I? Probably not. Honestly I don't think that's a step TNT is ready to make yet. Love the network to death, but they aren't exactly the LBGT friendliest. But anyway, back to the point.

I think why so many lesbians liked Xena, and why so many like R&I, is because the lesbianness isn't thrown in our face. Most television shows that feature lesbian characters will make it all about sex and their sexuality. You know what? Lesbians are regular people, thanks; not a sideshow act for men to jack off to. So we see Jane/Maura or Xena/Gabrielle and while the gayness is pretty freaking obvious, it's not all we see. We see their lives, their work, etc. We see them as people, not as lesbians. And that, I think, is one of the reasons this fandom is so important to the lesbian community. It's like recognizing we exist without making some sort of spectacle out of us. It's like we're being respected. It's nice.

So I think when Angie was all like "Okay, I meant a MAN," or whatever, it felt slightly disrespectful in a way. Yes, we all know that Jane's canon love interests are going to be men. But girl, your lesbian fan base is something crazy and when most of the tweets you get say Maura/Sasha, you should know better than to say something to address that without fully thinking first. Because it did come off a bit disrespectful to a very LARGE group of people.

I don't know. Like, one one hand I honestly feel bad for her. I can't even imagine everything I say being scrutinized and discussed. But that comes with the job, unfortunately. Its also really shitty that she had to see some things her fans were saying about her "not being the sharpest tool in the shed." She may not be a rocket scientist, but that doesn't mean she's stupid. I guess I relate her in the way I do to Eliza Dushku, who I adore to death, but who doesn't post the most intellectual tweets in the world. Angie, quite frankly, made a mistake in her wording. That much was clear. Feelings were hurt, yeah, but I don't believe it was intentional. Do I think she should have went about it in a smarter way? Of course. But we all make mistakes, her included.

I know I have more to say on this, but I'm getting tired and I think I've expressed the main point, anyway: I understand it, but it didn't have to turn into the huge dramafest it did.


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Monday, November 15, 2010

I have to say, if there’s one thing that constantly strokes my hungry ego, it’s hexrpg.com.

To be completely honest, that’s probably why I came back in the first place. My life has been one dull, ego-crushing day after another as I sit on my unemployed ass and pretend that tomorrow I’m going to get up and do something productive. Yet I never do. So I needed an ego boost and Hex has always been the best place for me to get it.

Outside of that, it’s teaching me to have responsibility and be productive again. Not that it’ll help with rent, bills, or the fact that I never leave this bloody apartment; but who needs those things when you have an ego the size of SWITZERLAND! ;D Not that Switzerland is a particularly large country in comparison to say, Russia, but I like its name. Switzerland. But moving on.

I love being needed. While sometimes it’s unfortunate that I have to pry some people’s head out of head and tell them they’re allowed to actually breathe on their own without my say so (in regards to Quidditch), I still can’t help but feel like the site needed me. Well, maybe not the entire site, but the people who actually fucking matter. Everyone else can go DIAF :D /prance

Rikki calls it a game. A game. It is not a game! It’s so much more than that. And maybe it’s a game if you just float around like a weirdo and just post random bullshit all over the place and quickly get the reputation of a spammer (but hey, at least people know who you are, right? >.>), but it isn’t to me. This shit is a lifestyle, bitches. Deal with it xD

Tell me when in a game do you actually NEED to do something? Never, that’s when. You don’t need to go kill the Lich King, or kick the shit out of Darth Vader. No, you want to do those things. If I don’t do the shit I need to do on Hex we would a) lose at quidditch. Miserably. b) the Slytherin newspaper wouldn’t get published c) those tiny first, second, and third years wouldn’t get their freaking Herbology lessons (and we all know how important those are. Right? RIGHT?!) d) The debate… actually no the debate team could probably function without me TBH. BUT I STILL CONTRIBUTE, DAMNIT e) everyone else would win contests and get pretties, and that’s simply not acceptable. I’m supposed to clean up on those, SO SAYS THE WORD OF GOD. f) Adam would have no one to talk to at fucked off times in the morning.

Okay so the last couple were kind of bullshit, but I do have a point in there somewhere.

Furthermore, I have decided that it’s ridiculous that I’m not on house staff ALL THE TIME. Frankly, Rima just needs to let us kick out the useless ones and let me fill in for the rest of the term because the amount of bitching I hear about those fucktards is off the charts.

In non related news, if I don’t win that fucking SA for Bellatrix’s Wanted Poster I’m going to take off someone’s head. You think I jest? I do not, sir. There’s this stupid bitch that thinks Bellatrix is HERS and oh, oh I WILL SHOW YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE, HOBAG.

I finally did wed my Bella. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I was miffed my Adamface couldn’t be there. I’m still miffed POSITITIVELY ENRAGED that he left us for Ravenfail. This is not acceptable. Adam belongs in Slytherin. Why? Because he has an unnatural urge to slap people and calls everyone his ho while he beats us with Lucius’ pimp cane. THIS IS WHY HE’S COOLER THAN YOU.

It’s so weird to come back after two years and mostly everything feels the same. Though now (finally) Jen and Chase have shacked up and made with the sexin’, which was a long time coming, let me tell you. It doesn’t seem that long ago that Jen came down to live with me for a couple weeks and I turned her into a stripper ;D I’m amazing, let me tell you. Unfortunately, she has left that occupation. How sad. Technically I suppose I did too, but only because I’m too lazy to go to another club and be like HIRE ME, MMK?

The biggest thing that freaked me the fuck out when I came back to that site was that for the first time in, well, FOREVER, we’re winning the house cup. SUCK ON THAT, DOUCHEBAGS! Finally we get points for actually pwning the crap out of the other houses in competitions.

I have no idea why I’m still writing about this, FTR. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that nap today >.>

FUCK. DEATHLY HALLOWS COMES OUT IN LESS THAN A WEEK! /runs around like a crazy person and falls flat on my face

JOIN ME IN THE AWESOME OR DIE: Hogwarts Extreme: Because You Don’t Need A Real Life!


Friday, October 01, 2010

So, me and my roommate Rikki had a conversation awhile back about our radical differences in our television show tastes. About the only thing we truly have in common is "Leverage", though she sucked me into "Big Brother", and I sucked her into "How I Met Your Mother." That's about it. Other than that, I mainly watch crime dramas or scifi dramadys, and she pretty much watches pure dramas/suspense/crazy ass shit that never tells you the answer till the end type of TV shows, or reality shows that make me want to take my head off most days.

But anyway, that made me think about my television choices and what it is that draws them all together, and I'm pretty sure it's the fact that there's not an obnoxious amount of drama. I like drama, don't get me wrong. if you read my fics, it's actually funny because most of my stuff is pure drama and angst, but my TV? I need a balanced amount. Which is why, by the way, I despise "The L Word". Yes, I'm a lesbian and love watching other lesbians make out and be sexy and shit, but that show had so much unnecessary drama it made my head wanna explode.

So. My Top TV show obsessions, and you can see the common denominator pretty clearly:


Every episode, Buffy (or Angel, respectably) is always kicking some demon's ass or saving the world from hell. But then there's the side drama which basically consists of (in my mind) OMG WHEN ARE BUFFY AND FAITH GOING HAVE SEX?, SPIKE IS MADE OF SO MUCH WIN BUT SWITCHES FROM EVIL/NOT EVIL LIKE A CONFUZZLED PUPPY, RILEY NEEDS TO DIE IN A FIRE, TARA SHOULD HAVE NEVER GOT SHOT, and NO ONE WANTS TO SEE GILES MAKE OUT WITH PEOPLE. NO ONE. EW. Thus, providing a nice balance episode to episode with enough character drama and yet enough of another plot so it doesn't become obnoxiously overwhelming. (and if you want my opinion on Angel, omg the whole Conner storyline needs to be burned and never spoke of again and Season 5 was totally the best season ever IMO)


Leverage is actually interesting for me because for the life of me I couldn't give half a crap about the cons. I just don't. I don't even pay attention to them most times (which was a total bitch when I actually had to review the eps for If Magazine). I love the characters and how they're all dysfunctional misfits and I love watching them grow. Season 3 is giving me headache and I'm blacklisting most of it, but I have hope for season 4. And for the love of god, stop making Parker into a fucking Barbie. She was awesome in the first season especially because she wasn't obnoxiously beautiful and, you know, actually RELATED to the rest of us because of that. I mean, come on, we all know Beth is, but Parker looked like a regular person back then (with, granted, an awful fashion sense, but that made her endearing). Can we have that back please? No? Well fuck you then. But anyway! Even though I don't pay attention to who's getting their ass kicked by the Leverage team half the time, I think the balance between characters/cons makes for interesting television. Because as much as I would love entirely character-centric episodes, if there were too many I'd get bored. Fast.


Okay, well besides this being a cop drama and the obvious answer that every episode has a case, THIS SHOW IS THE GAYEST FUCKING SHOW EVER. & I WANT ITS FIRST BORN. It's like if Xena and SVU had a baby and it spawned this show. No, I'm serious. Anyway, Jane and Maura totally have this unspoken crazy gay love for each other, so what makes this show good are all the moments between them. And as we all know, good things have to come in moderation or it gets obnoxious and overwhelming. If the show was entirely made up of their unrequited lesbian love for each other, it'd probably annoy the shit out of me and I'd want to stab myself in the eye. But no, the cases balance all that out, which makes me wait on bated breath for each new moment that's so gay it's beginning to not even be subtext anymore. Like, really. Now all we have to hope for is that Angie Harmon won't stop the fun train if it's presented to her because apparently because she's a Republican, she must be an asshole to the gays (and to be fair, I'll give that 80% of the time that tends to be true, but I won't judge her until I fully know where she stands). Yay for Sasha though. Just ONE BIG YAY FOR SASHA. I don't need reasons. She's just awesome.


THIS SHOW. THIS. This is amazing. Every episode they're saving some planet or some other such intergalactic adventure, but you still get sucked into the character drama. LIKE OMG WHO IS RIVER SONG?! AHH. But, okay, I shouldn't get into my crush on River, that'll take awhile. Now, I DO have to say I get sick of the "everyone falls in love with the Doctor" bullshit they've been pulling for a gazillion and a half years, which is probably why I adored Donna like nobodies business. But yes. To reiterate a million times; crazy intergalactic battles vs character drama. Nice balance. AND SOMEONE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE THE DALEKS GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL COLORS. CRYAOLA/POWER RANGERS DON'T INVOKE FEAR. IT MAKES ME GIGGLE. ALOT.


I admit, I am a Booth/Bones shipper. I usually femslash all to hell and back (and probably still would if the whole Angela/Roxie business wasn't an awful promotional stunt that was poorly managed and made me want to gag). But Booth and Bones? THEY BELONG TOGETHER. And I, like everyone else in the fucking world, bang my head against my desk as they stretch it out and prolong it to the point of absolute INSANITY. But what makes it bearable? Every episode has a case. I also love all the other characters and interns and their side stories. It's good damn TV, really. BALANCE, people. It's about BALANCE. I'm going to keep stressing that lol.


Ah, another cop drama. And I'll admit, I only put a picture up of Brenda/Raydor because I want them to have lots of angry hateful sex. Well, okay, I did until they started to kind of get along (which isn't much, but for them it's a milestone) over the whole Chief of Police business. Which we all knew Brenda wasn't gonna get btw, so why even bother? But anyway! This show, like all cop shows, have a case every episode. This is a bit different though because it's pretty much "The Brenda Show" otherwise. Which I don't mind, Brenda is hot and hilarious and I fucking adore her. Also, I think this is the only show that's really be successful with the main character being happily married, and that's EPIC. Fritz is adorable, he is. But Brenda still needs to have angry!sex with Raydor. Now. Anyway! Another nice balance. YAY FOR BALANCE. (oh, and btw, random factoid: this is the first show I've watched religiously since it's aired. I was 18. Aw. I mean, now I have other shows I've done that for, but this was the first. Let's hug it *coddles*)

Now, I'm sure you all are like "wtf, why hasn't she mentioned Xena yet?" Well...


Xena's tricky. Xena's hard to define, period. You can't just say she goes around redeeming herself every episode, because that's not true. She's fucked up and there's even episodes that in essence are completely pointless in regards to that aspect. She kicks someone's ass every episode, which is nice. Hm. That. Yeah, we'll go with that. The ass kicking lol. Anyway, outside of all the ass kicking and saving Gabrielle until she was competent enough to save herself, THERE WAS SO MUCH MASSIVE GAY LOVE. And Xena was different than Rizzoli & Isles (and ultimately, I'll still say better) because hey, back then, open gay characters were not very common on TV. Especially prime time. So they hinted all the could at it without actually saying it. There was actually talk about a movie in the works YEARS ago about them finally coming out as lovers, but god knows if that'll ever get filmed. Oh, and Lucy and Renee were totally awesome about the gay stuff and that's a yay. UGGHHH I MISS THIS SHOW SO HARD. Right, anyway, what's my point? Oh yeah, frankly Xena's too epic to ever be truly define, and other shows weep at it's feet from the sheer awesome. That is all. Oh yeah, and a bunch of crap about balance. (which actually they did with drama/action/comedy episodes being switched around all the time, now that I think about it)

Right, so? My point here is the world needs balance, as does TV shows. If you shove DRAMADRAMADRAMA or ANGSTANGSTANGST down my throat I'm likely to gag. Strangely enough I can deal with COMDEDYCOMEDYCOMEDY, but that's another story.

But anyway, this entry cured me of my boredom, and now I'm getting really tired. So. I guess I'm off.


End of lesson.

Oh, and those are all the shows I have to watch when they air or I'll die. FTR. Just in case anyone was wondering, which I'm sure you weren't. At all.

Oh yeah, and Skins is the exception to that rule. That drama sucks me in and spits me back out again & I have to watch every week. But then again, it's a British show, which therefore makes it an allowable exception to the rule. Story; end of.

Yeah, the girls are the only one's worth mentioning right now because I'm gayer than a marshmallow spitting rainbows. However, let me say that the third generation (not pictured up there, that's second) is so much fulgier than first and second. Wtf. They better fix them up real good on camera, cause the only official picture I saw they all looked like asshole compared to the other two.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Honesty @ 9:01 PM

I tried to write about this a couple days ago when I was drunk, but it ended up being a babble of incoherent sentences that I’m sure repeated the same thing I wanted to say over and over, just in different ways. I mean, I know I have a problem with repeating myself, but I think that’s because I’m always afraid people won’t understand what I mean the first time around. Or the second.

But I’ve come to a point where I need to be honest. I know I’m usually honest to the point of TMI most days, but it’s never about anything important. Not really. Or, well, it’s never about anything I’m ashamed of. This, both of these, I am. So much that ever since then I’ve been having problems getting to sleep at night. I lie awake in bed every night and think about this shit. I can’t help it. Trust me, I wish I could. I’d prefer to have a normal sleep schedule for once instead of lying in bed until 9am.

Anyway, both of these things happened in June.

Most of you know that I had a problem with meth and made it past the one year clean mark. That’s still true. I didn’t lie to anyone about that. But It was kind of fucked, because all it took was being around it one time before I ended up spending $600 on meth in a single fucking month. One time. A bunch of random guys offered to give me a ride to work but they needed to go to their dealer’s house. The dealer lived a block away from me. ONE BLOCK. Are you serious? It was fucking over the moment it started. I was tweeked out through the entire month of June. I think I slept maybe a total of five days out of that whole month. Maybe ate a total of, eh, we’ll give it seven or eight days. It was so sad how EASY it was for me to say yes to it. I didn’t even think twice. Even after being clean for over a year, I said yes without a moments hesitation.

And you know what’s sad? Part of me loved it. I fucking love that drug, I’m sorry. I know it gets me in so much trouble and coming down is like being in hell but sometimes I crave it like I crave air to live.

I love what the drug lets me achieve. I’m a creative person, okay? If I’m not creating something I feel like I don’t have a purpose. But I have focus problems and it can screw up a big project I’m working on if it’s taking too long and my ADD kicks in. Then I’m like fuck this and try to wrap it up as quickly as possible, half assed. Like my fanvids, for example.

On meth, I make amazing fucking fan videos. My Nate addiction one, my Beth Starry Eyed one, my Leverage South Park one that everyone fucking loves? Meth. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on making shit of that caliber without the focus meth gives me. Especially the South Park one. I mean, finding clips that kind of match to the words, do you know how long that takes? I couldn’t do that to save my life sober.

You know how long its taken me to build my own website right now? For my fan fiction and fan videos? It’s been months, months. And I’m still fucking it off and making it half assed. But when I was on meth, I made my entire Beth Riesgraf fan site in a little over a week. Fuck, to be honest, most of the shit I’ve ever done for Beth has been built on meth, but let’s not go there.

Point is, meth stimulates my creativity and allows me to focus better. That’s why I have a hard time not doing it. I’m not a tweeker that smokes, then fucks off with their friends in stupid ass ways to get arrested, or cleans the house like a maniac. I do shit. Productive fucking shit, thank you.

I’ve been clean since I moved to Portland, by the way, but fuck knows how long that’ll last. I know I can’t see it without wanting it, and how am I supposed to go my whole life never seeing it? But whatever.

I didn’t have the time of my life on it though, of course. The guilt was fucking eating me alive and yet I still kept it a secret. It’s hard when people say “I’m proud of you” and you know that there’s really nothing to be proud of anymore. So, what did I do? I did the same thing I did when I knew I was spiraling out of control the first time on meth: I focused far too much on Beth. Which wouldn’t have been much an of an issue if the situation was still the same as it was back then. Back then I had never met her, back then I wasn’t able to freaking email her. Do you see how this became an issue, and fast? Dear lord.

But yeah, back then, when I fucked off every day and living in a motel room with my three cats and miserable about it, I focused on Beth. I made the website, the YouTube channel. I obsessed heavily because it let me not focus on my own life. So I guess when that happened again, I went back to my comfort zone. Except, you know, this time, it made shit so much worse.

This time, I had already met her. I was able to talk to her whenever I wanted. I ended up looking up to her so much and at the same time developing a sort of crush on her and desperately felt the need to impress her; to get her to like me. It was awful, really, because I’m bad with people to begin with, so I have no idea how to talk to a person normally in the first place. And then there’s her. I was worse with her.

Look at my YouTube channel. Do you know how many fan videos of her I made in June? Every single one I would send her an email to show her and be all LOOK WHAT I MADE BLAH BLAH VALIDATE ME LOVE ME BLAH. It was embarrassing, really. At the time I didn’t think so, I was so wrapped up in trying not to feel guilty about what I was doing that I felt like if Beth liked me than I wouldn’t have a reason to feel so awful. I kind of went overboard though.

And then something kind of went down at the end of the month that made us stop speaking to each other. I won’t go into what it is, it’s between us and really isn’t anyone else’s business, but long story short: she hurt my feelings and I retaliated in a really fucking awful way. Like, I was a huge cunt to her. HUGE. I didn’t yell at her or anything, I didn’t tell her to fuck off or say fuck you or call her any names (to her face, anyway) but I was really fucking mean to her regardless. Now, to be fair, I really don’t think she meant to hurt my feelings. She never meant for me to find out the real reason about something, because if she did, she would have told me straight up. I think she did when she did to spare my feelings, but because I knew the truth I went the fuck off at her.

That was also the point where I realized meth was fucking me sideways. Because when you’re up for a week straight, bipolar like a bitch already, it kind of makes you… snap. And I think if I wasn’t doing meth, maybe I would have taken a second to think about what was going on and respond in a more adult way. But I didn’t take a second to think. At all. I just reacted. Because in that moment I hated her with every inch of my being.

I’m one of those people who do things and don’t think about tomorrow. I’m convinced I won’t be alive much longer so I look at things like it doesn’t fucking matter, only to hate life when I’m still alive and it matters somewhere down the road. And it matters now, I feel fucking awful.

Beth is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met who seriously had no reason to even give me the time of day in the first place, and yet she did. And I think I really ended up hurting her because of what I did. I mean, I’m her biggest fan. I think she’s so incredibly talented, more than any other actress I’ve seen, and I’ve supported her in ways no one else ever has before. I’m the one that always stuck up for her and had her back when other people were being douchebags. So for me to turn around and be horrible to her like that? That really must have hurt.

Yeah, I feel like a cunt.

Not that I’m invalidating my own feelings on the matter. She did hurt me and to be honest I doubt I’ll ever get an apology for it. I’d like to think that it doesn’t matter, but that’d be a lie.

I probably shouldn’t care what some woman I barely know thinks about me, but I do. I can’t help it. She’s important to me, you know? I’ve gone into this before; about how Parker helped me and stuff. I mean, that’s fucking important. And how when I wanted to kill myself because I was in this dark fucking hole of tweaked out shit, I used her to feel happier. I mean, indirectly, she did save my life. So yeah, she’s fucking important and that’s why it mattered.

Anyway, regardless of all of that and how I feel about her side of it, I do know that I fucked up worse. I do know that I had no right to say what I said to her and to act like a complete angsted out teenager on crack. It makes me feel awful because I really don’t think she deserved that, even if she did hurt my feelings. It’s not like she was cruel to me or anything. So, I’ve been needing to seriously apologize to her for awhile now.

Which brings me to her birthday gift and why the fuck that isn’t sent out yet even though it’s been over a month.

All the stuff is wrapped and ready to go out. Has been for weeks. I have a big letter in there in which I apologize for being a complete ass. And has it gone out? No. Why? I’m fucking terrified to send it. This is one of those things where I seriously only get one shot at and I still don’t know if what I said will even make a difference. I mean, I’m shit with people, really. Like absolute shit. I’m worried I said the wrong thing and… fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with it.

And it’s not fair to everyone else who sent their stuff in. It’s not just my present, it’s everyone’s. Fuck. I don’t know.

I just feel bad about it and this crap keeps me awake at night. Beth, the meth thing, fucking all of it. I continuously beat myself up over it. I can’t help it. That’s just who I am. I’ve never had shit go on this long. Ever. I don’t know how to handle it.

So yeah. There’s honesty right there. The entire month of June and why it sucked. I’ve just kept this shit inside for way to long and maybe, I don’t know, talking about it will allow me to try to move past it. Hopefully. I just need to quit lying to everyone.

Though, in all honesty, I’ll still tell people, when directly asked, that I’ve been clean for a year and a half. I can’t say three months outloud. It’s just depressing.

Fuck. Idk.

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