Leverage sex
Friday, December 11, 2009
2:50 PMTo explain though, when I write:
Eliot/Sophie; it’s rough, dominating. Full of masochism and anger mixed with both love and passion. It’s kinky, it’s wild, it’s in every way so very not watered down. Eliot dominates very fiercely, both with words and actions. It’s violent. Sophie can dominate too, but she’s not very good at it. For being so good at manipulating people as a grifter, she can’t seem to manipulate Eliot. Instead, she takes the opposite route; for one who’s always in control, she surrenders all of it to him: the one person she knows she can trust it with because of Eliot’s own control over his violence. She wants to be hurt, but she wants to feel safe at the same time. That’s not to say she doesn’t try to dominate him, but in the end usually succumbs to Eliot’s needs. That said, they can have romantic, soft sex, but it’s rare.
Parker/Sophie; I’ve probably done it all with Parker/Sophie, being the pairing I wrote very heavily and primarily during season one. I’ve done love, I’ve done anger, I’ve done kink. But out of all of the stories I’ve done, the main route I usually take is usually just... hard passion. Parker loves Sophie; in so many way’s she’s like the mother she never had (and yes, I realize how kinky and a bit fucked up that in it’s self seems, but bear with me). That love, when put in a sexual situation, makes Parker get very, very attached (which in turn usually makes her the submissive). Now Sophie, on the other hand… Sophie does care about Parker. She worries about her, watches out for her, but when put in a sexual situation with her, she tends to be blinded by her own selfishness. She wants it all without all the headaches that being with Parker could possibly make for her. So she always suppresses it, makes Parker keep everything a secret, keeps a firm distance from getting too close, and gets frustrated and angry when Parker doesn’t understand why. But there is a part of Sophie that loves her, that’s maybe even in love with her a little bit, and while near the end of my stories that tends to come out, during sex it’s still very much hidden under the layers. Their sex is a little rough usually, dom/sub without the massive kink (you’re just usually very aware of who is in control, even though its never spoken), and not anywhere close to the decibel of Eliot and Sophie’s is.
Parker/Eliot; I’ve only done this once, very briefly, just for the sin “Lust” in my Seven Deadly Sins short stories. Just rough fuck and forget against the wall in the bathroom of an airplane. Very unattached, emotionless. They used each other to get off and that was that, basically. There was no point to talk about it afterwards, in their mind. Get some, get gone. They both seemed to share the control equally, giving and taking like they’d done it a million times. They just fit together in that way.
Now. My problem was that I couldn’t for the life of them see them together. I know that doesn’t many any sense. I was seeing them separately. Seeing what Eliot does to Sophie, what he does to Parker and what Parker does to her. I was having trouble stepping back and viewing the whole picture. Especially because since Eliot and Sophie are so kinky, and here they were, inviting Parker into their sex life for a night, and Parker… Parker to me isn’t extremely kinky, at least to their altitude. She’s rough, can play some games, but just not the kind of person who dominates forcefully though violent physicality and by words, and at the same time, she is so not the person who lays down and takes that either. And of course, because of how uptight I usually make Sophie into having people find out about her sex life (which, of course, in this story Parker already knew, but knowing is very different from seeing), I made her embarrassed. Thankfully I did establish in the last story that Sophie gets turned on by humiliation, so that worked. Yay me.
I had issues establishing roles in the sex; and it actually ends up switching quite a bit. I tried to keep Eliot and Sophie’s kinky sex life in tact but I watered it down a lot, I know that. And I could make the excuse that they did that for Parker, but its just me not knowing how to write it any other way. Everyone switched the role of being the dominator, though Parker’s own domination was more forceful curiosity. I kind of made Parker how I made her in OT3 fics (Parker/Hardison/Eliot), not so much a dominatrix but still knowing she has control. Though, in my last fic she wasn’t as subtle about knowing she had control as she was in my “Who Say’s You Can Only Have One?” series. Sophie’s domination didn’t last of course, but on the flip side, neither did Eliot’s. It just seemed awkward for me, maybe because I know I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It might be hot for all I know.
I really have no idea if it came out alright. Haha. Though I’m still not done with the story, so I won’t know until I finish and post it. I know I’m being really anal over it, and I know people are just gonna read it and just think “YAY! SEX!” and not think about how deep it all goes as it does with me, but still. I like to have a solid, reasonable, logical explanation of the way they all have sex with each other based on their characteristics… and the fact is, that’s such a weird threesome that I honestly could never think of another way this could happen outside of this story.
Kind of like my Livia/Varia fic. If any of you watch Xena, you know that’s a fucked up pairing. But the way I did it, man I loved the way I did it, one of my favorite stories to date and I just wish I could find another way to do it, because now I love that pairing. But I can’t think of anything logically.
So yeah. This threesome is totally a one time thing. Enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully I’ll be done with the story soon, but I actually have to work this weekend. Blah. Next weekend though I’ll be working on the TV show – so yay!
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explination
Thursday, December 03, 2009 4:17 PMI made a grand at work on Tuesday night. Actually, technically, I made $1200. But after tipping out our ungodly percentage, I walked with a grand. Dead fucking Tuesday night. I wasn’t enjoying being back – it was awkward for me. But my friend was there, happy I was back… and she found a customer who was willing to take us both to VIP. We thought he’d only be in there a half an hour. Four hours later… well… yeah. Cleanest fucking time in VIP I’ve ever had in that club. Cleanest I’ve ever made that much amount of money. All we seriously did was dance and drink. It was crazy.
I thanked God so much for that. And you know me, I’m a skeptic. But that? I in no way deserved that. My lazy ass didn’t go to a work for a month. An ENTIRE month. I should not have been given that.
Anyway, so. My thing with money though is money + drugs = sexy. So when I get the chance to get free coke, did I say no? Of course I didn’t. Free drugs are free drugs, and as long as it isn’t meth I thought I wouldn’t feel bad about it. After all, since I’ve been “clean” I have done ecstasy once, adderal maybe three times. Nothing major, but you know, just sometimes. So when I get money, for some reason I associate that with drugs. Not even spending it. But to me? Snorting a line or six with a hundred dollar bill feels fucking sexy to me.
Of course the guy giving it to me wants in my pants. I’ve been clear on this matter many times to him and he just doesn’t seem to get it. But that’s not my problem. I’m sick of repeating myself.
Right so. Pretty much passed the fuck out that night… went over my friends house and we played WoW a bit and then passed out. Next day we slept pretty much all fucking day, then get up, went out to lunch, came back, passed out, got up, went to Dave & Busters, ate, played games, went out to a bar.
Come back to their house: sex.
Which, don’t get me wrong, I very much like both of these people. I enjoy having spontaneous threesomes one cause holy HELL can this girl squirt more than I’ve ever seen anyone do in my ENTIRE LIFE, and two, it’s just… IDK. Fun. Ha. Anyway, problem is… once I had woken up I had been doing lines the whole night. I didn’t tell them. They both like for serious don’t do drugs.
Of course she finds out. Knows I’m not drunk, that something else is wrong with me. I tell her. She’s fine with it at first – not happy – but fine. She’s not now, not after my freak out. She called me an addict. I got upset. Really upset. She was trying to help, but I can’t be called an addict.
Coke makes me hyper aware of what’s going on. For all the times I’ve had sex in my life, I try very much to be on something that dulls everything around me. I don’t ever want to know my own sex.
So she totally called me out on faking my orgasm last time. I told her I just do that and make all the damn sound effects so I don’t fuck peoples self esteem up. It’s really really hard to get me off. Seriously. I can’t even get myself off half the time. Anyway, of course I try to compensate by telling them I do enjoy sex, but I enjoy sex for another reason: abuse.
They tried, they really did. But they are not abusive, hurtful people. They couldn’t do it the way I needed.
And then I just… fucking broke. I don’t know how, or why, but I ran into the bathroom and chain-smoked like a bitch to try to get myself to calm down.
She came in, tried to make me talk. I refused, I didn’t want to explain. More pushing and I just told her I can’t be aware of what’s going on when I have sex because I THINK SEX IS WRONG. I know that’s stupid, it makes no sense, but I feel like it’s wrong. Like it’s a dirty thing to do and I shouldn’t be doing it. That I’m disgusting for participating in it. I started crying, and she kept saying its okay, the way I want sex, everyone fantasies about weird shit and I told her no, that she has no fucking clue the fucked up things I fantasize about. There is one that I vowed to never, ever tell another living soul.
And she pushed and pushed and I screamed and I broke and I told her. Its disgusting, vile, horrible shit that makes me feel like I should kill myself for even thinking about.
I will not write it here.
I can’t believe she told me it’s okay. It’s okay that I think about that, that it makes so much sense because of what I’ve been through. And I KNOW that. I know WHY, psychologically I can think that. That doesn’t make it better. I would never do it, I couldn’t. I’d rip my fucking goddamn face off before I ever did something like that. But that doesn’t change how disgusting it is. Thoughts like that should never run through someone’s mind. And the main reason being to just destroy, lash out, revenge, steal someone else’s soul… that’s sick, twisted crap.
I hate myself so much for it. For everything I do or even think about sexually. I hate sex, I really do. Sex just continues to destroy me.
And yet I run my entire fucking life around it.
I have a serious problem. I know I do. I just… fuck. I’m so sick of all my problems. No human being should be allowed to have this many fucking issues. It’s just not right. It’s just not fucking fair.
Labels: abuse, addiction, drugs, sex
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fuck
2:40 AMAll I know is that I’m very hyper aware of what’s going on. You have no idea how bad that it is for me. Especially sexually.
Threesome.
I’m off-putting, but they understand that’s just how I am when I’m high.
No I am not on meth. I haven’t touched that since March 28th. I hope to never touch it again. I can’t handle it.
I just can’t handle sex when I know whats going on. I can explain it, but I won’t. I don’t wanna go through it again. Don’t wanna cry again.
The stupid slut whore isn’t supposed to run and lock herself in the bathroom and cry. She’s supposed to spread her legs and take it like a good little bitch.
I’m sick of being who I am. I’m sick of all of this.
I can’t have sex anymore. I really, really can’t. You all don’t understand what it does to me or how it makes me feel.
There’s something seriously wrong with me.
And I’m just fucking sick of it all. I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve tried, tried so goddamn hard. I am so angry right now. I didn’t wanna say half the shit I did.
I can’t deal with this.
I hate who I am. What I’ve become. I wish I wasn’t over someone’s house right now. I wanna destroy myself.
Fuck all of this.
Labels: die
3 comments
the sexual shit none of you need to know
Thursday, November 26, 2009 3:31 AMForewarning for those of you who aren’t used to my brash honesty: this will be complete TMI. Read at your own risk.
The first thing that made me feel like something was wrong with me was when I started watching porn. Alright, I know most of you are like “Seriously? Porn?” cause hi, I fucking do porn, my pussy is out there for the whole goddamn world to see, but the thing is… I never watch it. Rarely, maybe fucking once every three months. It’s not a normal thing for me, and to be honest I really don’t masturbate all the much. As fucked up as it is, I get off, and no, not literally, writing and reading fics. It doesn’t give me an actual orgasm, but sexually stimulating my mind usually does more for me in the long run. Honestly. I know I’m weird.
Okay, the second thing. It’s been often. Like every night. I don’t masturbate every night to it or anything, but sometimes I just watch it. I have no idea why. I just get the urge to. And it’s never long, maybe a half an hour at best, but it’s still become a reoccurring thing.
Third thing is, and this is the big one: it’s been straight porn. And, hi, not only straight porn, but what I tend to specifically look for is anal, double penetration, and gang bangs.
Right. See, and now you’re all like “Okkayy… yeah, wtf, you lesbian.”
Oh, it gets worse.
I’ve apparently found the sexy in rape fetishes, especially realistic rape fetish porn. By realistic I don’t mean brutal beatings and shit, but porn in which the girl actually puts up a fight, says no, stop, whatever. You have no idea how many rough sex porn people try to classify as “rape” when the girls sitting there being like “Oh, harder, I like it like that.”
Yeah, no. Rape victims don’t do that.
See, you’re all weirded out by me now. I don’t blame you. I’m freaking out myself.
Now, of course, me, being the person who has to study and analyze everything in my own life, and why I’m acting the way I’m acting, goes and looks up rape fetishes. Like, as a study. Apparently, victims of rape sometimes can develop the fetish much later in life. So okay, I don’t feel like such a weirdo on that front anymore.
But there’s still the big glaring issue here: the straight porn. The loads and loads of dicks violating girls straight porn I can’t seem to fucking stop watching.
I imagine this is how normal people feel when they start to come out of the closet. The problem with me is that I accepted from a very early age that I liked women. I’ve never had an attraction to the male species until it started to form about a year or so ago. Slowly, nothing that’s made me really even notice it. This though is hitting me like a shit ton of bricks in the face.
And it’s freaking me out.
You know all those people saying, “I don’t wanna be gay, I don’t wanna be gay”?
Yeah, I’m the opposite. I don’t want to be straight. Or technically bisexual. Trust me, I still love women, very very much. And I do still know that I will eventually spend the rest of my life with one. But this right here freaks me out. Men as an entire species freaks me out when it comes to sex with them.
Okay no, that’s not true. I’ve had sex with men for money.
Let me revise that: men, having sex with a man, for hell, maybe something seemingly even emotional, fucking makes me want to run screaming.
I can’t trust men. I just can’t. I can have men as friends, but even that’s hard for me. Mainly because they can say one thing, just one fucking thing that’s sexual towards me, manages to make me feel uncomfortable, and then I’ll always feel uncomfortable around them. But I don’t say anything, I even sometimes encourage it, because part of my sick twisted brain is convinced that that’s what I’m supposed to do.
The first time I remember doing it was when I was fourteen. He was my friend, I cared about him, had fun with him, but I knew he liked me. I was all over one of my girl friends at the time whenever I was around him, just to make the point that I didn’t like him like that without having to actually say it. But he’s flirt, I’d giggle, I’d do the shit you’re supposed to do.
Until he got me drunk and him and his TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD friend took me to the woods and molested me in his car. And I say molested just because there was no penis inserted. Other things with inserted, shit that I remember fucking hurt all to holy hell and back again. Too many god damn things.
I said “I don’t want to,” a grand total of one time in my drunken half passed out state. Middle of the woods, had no idea where the fuck I was, trashed off my ass, and that fucking instinct just takes over where you realize if you just let it happen then it can’t possibly be worse than what could happen if you try to fight.
Its sick, but that’s what happened. I told my best friend what he did, and you know what she said? “Well you must have acted like you wanted it, because he just wouldn’t do that.” He was her friend too.
Right. I never told anyone about that ever again. Fuck all of that. I probably should tell my mom, she’s hated the bastard since I first started hanging out with him. Worse when he got me into that car accident. But he’s still in jail anyway, so fat lot of good that’ll do.
Anyway, my point is, I can’t handle this whole bi-curious thing I got going on right now. I want it to stop. It freaks me out, and I don’t like it.
And yet I continue to watch this goddamn porn.
Oh and, here’s the great part: integrating my dirty little fetishes into my fanfic. God. My little anal fascination showed up in “The Intervention Job”, and my slight rape/treat me like a whore fetish showed up in “Forgotten.”
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The fucking end.
Labels: fetish, porn, rape, sex, sexuality, straight
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Comment Replies
Monday, November 16, 2009 3:33 PMYou have one big boob, and one small boob. Why?
Because God decided to have a laugh when he made me. Oh, and probably every other woman, since no one is symmetrical on that front. Also, considering my smaller breast is still a C cup, I want to know where you’ve been hanging out if you consider that “small”. I wanna hang out where all the huge titty bitches are.
On a more serious note, the left one seemed to stop growing after I got into a car accident when I was a teenager, and that whole side of me got tore up.
SuperShineyGirl said...
And sure Beth might *have* to be nice. But I think once you meet her, you'll feel more comfortable. She exudes warmth. Hell she might even try to mother you.
Oh lord, the last thing I need is another celebrity mother. Haha. I have Hudson Leick to mother me. Then again, she’s probably more like an older sister by the way she so bluntly and without any remorse tells me the truth about how much I’m fucking off. She doesn’t coddle, haha. But I guess I find the mother figure in her probably because once she told me that she sometimes she wishes I was her child and that she could have raised me.
I don’t know if I’d want Beth to view me in that way though. Hudson might be the first “celebrity” that has kind of felt like they needed to, I dunno, help me, or whatever, but she hasn't been the last. I’d rather not add another one to the list, makes me feel like I have some kind of draw that just sucks famous people in or something. Its weird.
Koryou said...
Celebrity crushes, how to explain them? Everybody who's crushing on a celebrity is in love with the idea of that person, you really are no exception there. I mean even if you meet them (at a Con for example ;) ) that isn't enough to get to know them.
And that's perfectly fine, it becomes a problem though when someone loses sight of the fact that the actual person isn't what they think they are. Because we don't know them, we just know of them.
Exactly. I know how it is to show one side to your “fans” and another to your friends, or people who trust. You become two different people. And I have a crush on the entertainer side of her. And kind of on her creative as fuck mind, if you can have crushes on someone’s mind. Lmao.
Probably won’t stop me from hitting on her though. Not that I think I’ll actually get anywhere, but, you know. She’s pretty. Lol. It just might have to be done. We’ll see how much I drink xD
Labels: comment replies
1 comments
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