Wednesday, December 10, 2008
productivity due to drugs @ 5:18 AM
Whoever said skitzers aren't productive? Lies, all LIES.I fell off the sober wagon today. And while I was beating myself up over it earlier, because the only reason I smoked was so that I could stop being dope sick AND having a cold at the same time. That was really killing me, and it was very hard to try to get to sleep. I also started getting really nauseated and started gagging.Gagging, not puking. I never puke. Sometimes I think my body doesn't know how. Then I remember the times that I do, and they only include food poisoning and a massive pill overdose. But I can stick my fingers all the way down my throat and wiggle them about and nothing happens. It's really quite annoying, actually, because you know when you puke you feel better. So do I ever feel better? Nope!It was ten in the morning, and I was really tiered. My eyes were getting heavy, my back was hurting, and I was feeling even more nauseated. Then one of my friends calls, and tells me she's gonna come over early in the afternoon. I say that's fine, after all, it's been awhile since I've been able to hang out with my friends.I know if I went to bed then, then by the time she got here, would be when she wakes me up. And my house... was disgusting. Not dirty, not messy... DISGUSTING.So me, completely sober and VERY sick, starts to obsessively clean my house for about two hours. And not just pick up trash, but wiping down surfaces and stuff. If you know me, that's pretty damn good. I hate cleaning, really, I do. The only time I ever do it is when company comes over. Otherwise, I'm perfectly happy living in my filth. Gross, I know. But true.Later on in the afternoon, my friend comes over bearing... dope. And to be honest, there was no thinking, no choices, it was there and I did it. And to be honest, after I did it, I started to feel SO much better. And I don't just mean from the high. My sickness was pretty much gone, besides the cough. Dope is my medicine, apparently. How quaint.Later on in the evening, we meet up with another friend, and everyone comes back to my place. I was currently in the middle of redoing the layout to my website, which I started late last night.Now see, most people are under the impression that meth makes you do things like clean obsessively, or sit there for hours doing some stupid mundane thing. No, not me. When I skitz out, I need to be on my computer. I do productive things. I am a VERY productive skitzer. And hell, today, I was fucking hella productive.After watching the new Leverage, my friends take over the TV and I sit my happy little ass on the computer. I finished the layout for my personal website ( Sapphire Smoke Online ) and even added the bones one shot story, and a Bellatrix/Narcissa fan fiction I'm currently in the middle of.Then I decided, well fuck, my website for Hudson needs a new layout too!So what do I do? Redesign my entire layout for the website ( Hudson-Leick.Info ). Really, I've been meaning to redo that thing for months now. MONTHS. And I got it done in a matter of... I believe four or five hours. I'm very proud of myself.Is it wrong to think I shouldn't quit?Probably.Everyone has been so supportive of me overcoming my drug problem, but this is why I've always liked it. It gives me the focus and desire to do things that usually I don't have the patience to do, but I need to get done. I'm just starting to think that maybe I just shouldn't combine that many drugs again, but the meth is okay.Which really, I know it's not, because I know without a doubt that I'm addicted to it now, which I never thought I would be. But I NEEDED it, and I've never in my life needed it. I've never in my life gotten sick because I didn't have it.I don't know, I got a lot of things to think about.Labels: addiction, cleaning, dope sick, drugs, hudson leick, ice, meth, productivity, sick, website design, withdrawals
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
productivity due to drugs @ 5:18 AM
Whoever said skitzers aren't productive? Lies, all LIES.I fell off the sober wagon today. And while I was beating myself up over it earlier, because the only reason I smoked was so that I could stop being dope sick AND having a cold at the same time. That was really killing me, and it was very hard to try to get to sleep. I also started getting really nauseated and started gagging.Gagging, not puking. I never puke. Sometimes I think my body doesn't know how. Then I remember the times that I do, and they only include food poisoning and a massive pill overdose. But I can stick my fingers all the way down my throat and wiggle them about and nothing happens. It's really quite annoying, actually, because you know when you puke you feel better. So do I ever feel better? Nope!It was ten in the morning, and I was really tiered. My eyes were getting heavy, my back was hurting, and I was feeling even more nauseated. Then one of my friends calls, and tells me she's gonna come over early in the afternoon. I say that's fine, after all, it's been awhile since I've been able to hang out with my friends.I know if I went to bed then, then by the time she got here, would be when she wakes me up. And my house... was disgusting. Not dirty, not messy... DISGUSTING.So me, completely sober and VERY sick, starts to obsessively clean my house for about two hours. And not just pick up trash, but wiping down surfaces and stuff. If you know me, that's pretty damn good. I hate cleaning, really, I do. The only time I ever do it is when company comes over. Otherwise, I'm perfectly happy living in my filth. Gross, I know. But true.Later on in the afternoon, my friend comes over bearing... dope. And to be honest, there was no thinking, no choices, it was there and I did it. And to be honest, after I did it, I started to feel SO much better. And I don't just mean from the high. My sickness was pretty much gone, besides the cough. Dope is my medicine, apparently. How quaint.Later on in the evening, we meet up with another friend, and everyone comes back to my place. I was currently in the middle of redoing the layout to my website, which I started late last night.Now see, most people are under the impression that meth makes you do things like clean obsessively, or sit there for hours doing some stupid mundane thing. No, not me. When I skitz out, I need to be on my computer. I do productive things. I am a VERY productive skitzer. And hell, today, I was fucking hella productive.After watching the new Leverage, my friends take over the TV and I sit my happy little ass on the computer. I finished the layout for my personal website ( Sapphire Smoke Online ) and even added the bones one shot story, and a Bellatrix/Narcissa fan fiction I'm currently in the middle of.Then I decided, well fuck, my website for Hudson needs a new layout too!So what do I do? Redesign my entire layout for the website ( Hudson-Leick.Info ). Really, I've been meaning to redo that thing for months now. MONTHS. And I got it done in a matter of... I believe four or five hours. I'm very proud of myself.Is it wrong to think I shouldn't quit?Probably.Everyone has been so supportive of me overcoming my drug problem, but this is why I've always liked it. It gives me the focus and desire to do things that usually I don't have the patience to do, but I need to get done. I'm just starting to think that maybe I just shouldn't combine that many drugs again, but the meth is okay.Which really, I know it's not, because I know without a doubt that I'm addicted to it now, which I never thought I would be. But I NEEDED it, and I've never in my life needed it. I've never in my life gotten sick because I didn't have it.I don't know, I got a lot of things to think about.Labels: addiction, cleaning, dope sick, drugs, hudson leick, ice, meth, productivity, sick, website design, withdrawals
i my me mine.
you think you know me yeah ?
My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to
fly.
credits.
