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I haven't slept since I woke up at 3pm on Wednesday afternoon. While it was all good and lovely at first, right now it kinda bothers me because I sadly am forced to go to work tonight to participate in a photoshoot.

Yeah. A Photoshoot. On no sleep. Probably looking cracked out.

FTL.

I don't know, I get ahold of those pictures before anyone else first cause I get to be the one to put them on the stupid website, so I can always attempt to edit my cracked out-ness.... but IDK if it'll work or not. Never took pics like this.

Videos, yes. Videos I wish I never did take because I didn't know how fucked up I looked until I wasn't and watched it back. Its funny cause you always think your acting normal and your just not.

IDK. Maybe I shouldn't go. But I do need money, have to pay my room this week, and I am thus far... $200 short. Well, that is if I ever get my fucking check cashed. But then again, I don't have to pay it until Monday. So ugh.

I swear to fucking god this dope is never ending. I get some Wednesday before work because I had a rough night the night before, but really needed to be awake to work.

I order $20, pay for $20, get a $50 because apparently my new dealer is fucking awesome, and gave me more because his last batch was kinda bunk.

But seriously, $50 used to last me a day. ONE DAY. How in the fuck am I on day three and at the rate this shit is going, I could probably still be up for another two.

And I can't just stop doing it. IDK if any of you have done it before, but coming down is the worst feeling in the world. The only time people will let themselves go through that much pain and sickness is when they run out.

Either that or their body finally collapses and falls out. That's usually better. Well, I like it better anyway. I sleep for like 24 hours after that.

Blah, drugs suck. This shit needs to finished.

LOL I kind of find this funny. Here I am, I have the best dope I've gotten in awhile. Burns slow, lasts long, isn't making me grind my teeth, I can still eat on it (maybe not as much as I usually can, but I can eat a small meal) and I can take a short nap for like an hour every now and then. I don't feel horrible. I just feel... unmotivated. I suppose.

In other news, I finished my website. Finally...

http://beth-riesgraf.info/

I was having some issues with the domain earlier, but its all cool now. So yay. MaryWIN.

Also, for any of you that actually looked at what I did via the last post... I've been requested to do more, so I am. & they got worse. So so soooo much worse. But I love them. They're so twisted and perverted and fucked up and it makes me LOL.

UGH. I wanna take a fucking nap.

Work bad. Sleep good.
Work bad. Sleep good.

Fucking blah. You know my cats are eating dog food? Yeah, apparently the stupid store decided to stock 476384 thinsg of dog food, and no cat food... but yet cat litter. I'm like wtf dude. SRSLY.

Fuck all the bullshit, I need to eat something before I die. The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dope, drugs, meth, website design, work

I tried an experiment yesterday.

The thing is, I really don't EVER want to upload hundreds or thousands of fucking pictures one by one. That just sucks. Very much so.

Though, after I uploaded all the award shows/premiers photos, leverage promotional photos, and leverage behind the scenes photos of Beth I was like wait a minute.

The entire reason I can't bulk upload files is due to them blocking the port on their wireless modem, right? Well, dial up doesn't use that.

Yeah, I shuddered at those words too. Dial up...

However, I was correct in thinking my FTP would work with dial up. It's painfully PAINFULLY much slower than I'm used to my FTPs working, but it's less time consuming then uploading them one by one. I've uploaded most all of them except the last two episodes that aired. I'm uploading The Wedding Job right now before I do The Stork Job, because even though it came after it, The Stork Job has close to 400 screencaps of Beth cause it's a very Parker-centric episode, so I'm going to upload those while I sleep cause it's gonna take a couple hours. What I did with The Nigerian Job last night.

Steve (my friend/customer/minion) is going to buy the domain name for me, because apparently no one can get off their dope fucked asses to drive me to cash my stupid check, let alone have me put the money on a freaking prepaid credit card. Two days of "oh yeah we'll be over" and then just NOT.

I'm slightly convinced the people of Leverage and TNT probably think I'm so wacked out stalker Beth fan, which while is highly annoying because I'm not, there's nothing I can do about that. If ya'll haven't noticed, I tend to have a thing for under appreciated talented actresses. Like Hudson for example. Hudson's still my favorite actress by far, but do I stalk her? No. Why? Probably because half the time I'm not even sure if I want to be in the same vicinity as her because I tend to get lectured about something everytime I am lol. She's like a fusion between my mother and my sister, the way she lectures me. It sounds odd, but you wouldn't get it unless you knew my mother and sister lol. I still love Hudson though, don't get me wrong, the woman has taught me more in this life than most other people I've come across.

But I concider her an "unappreciated talented actress" because 98% of the time when I say "Hudson Leick" people are like "Who?" and then I gotta say "Callisto from Xena" and then get a "duhh" kind of look from them to which I have to explain, "The blonde psychotic bitch that always wanted to kill Xena and had rocks fall on her head all the time." The people are like "OHHHH!!"

And Beth is more under appreciated than Hudson is. My website is going to be the ONLY fansite out there for her once it's launched. THE ONLY FREAKING ONE.

Granted, to be fair, this is her first big role.

On a side note, I'm half convinced her first role was actually a artistic hardcore porn film, and it's driving me insane because I can't figure it out. Not that my reason (or my main reason anyway - I am only human after all) is to watch it just cause she's all naked and possibly doing icky het things in it, but because on the header in the welcome message on every page it says that was her first role, which while it WAS, I just don't much want to advertise her porn on there as her first role, even if it is artistically done or whatever. I really did think it was just a movie until I read someones comment on the film, and now I'm not so sure.

But oh well, until I find out that it is in fact porn, it's staying up there. The website is going to be launched in a day or two, hopefully. It depends on how long it takes for the domain name to take effect after Steve buys it, I can't remember.

Now, on to something about Leverage that slightly intrigues me, are you ready for this? This will blow your mind if you know anything about me and my fandoms.

In every fandom that I have, I usually like one or two couples, always femslash. BTVS... Buffy/Faith. X:WP... Xena/Gabrielle, Eve/Varia. Bones.... Brennan/Angela. You get the idea. Mainly, that's the only fanfiction I write/read/give half a fuck about. Everything else gets passed by without a second glance.

Leverage is very different. Not exactly sure why either lol.

I read solo Parker fanfics(which doesn't mean masturbation you dirty minded people lol)/general fanfics.
I read/write Parker/Sophie.
I read/will be writing soon Parker/Eliot - cause they are the prettiest het couple ever lol.
I read Parker/Hardison.
I read Hardison/Eliot.

And the het and slash fics.. I'll read the NC-17. It's slightly hard to get through during those parts, but I'll effing read it.

While my first try at writing het sex occurred in a very short scene in "Path of Forgiveness", I'll probably be trying my hand at Parker/Eliot. First I wanna write a PG-13 one, just to kind of get the hang of trying to picture het in my head while I write, but I think they're gonna break my het sex cherry fully.

I don't think I'll ever write boyslash. I can't relate to any of that lmao.

But it kind of nice, to actually enjoy the ENTIRE fandom, instead of just bits which I usually do.

This fucking show better be on the air for a very long time. NOW! Onto comments....

v1cious said...
lol was the food free?

also, i noticed your recent entry was on Friday. does that mean you haven't been using at all, or just as of yesterday. either way, it's good that you're making progress. have you considered a daytime activity, like maybe a second job part-time college classes? that would keep you active.

I wish, but no lol.

At the time, it meant that I wasn't using at all. My days are a little screwy, and right now even though it's 3:16am on Tuesday, I still consider it Monday because I haven't slept yet. My days start later than everyone elses haha.

I did, however use yesterday. I didn't buy, and no one came over and gave me any, but you'd be surprised how much fucking dope was stuck in all three of my pipes. It got me decently high, and I was able to finally stop procrastinating about the gallery. I needed to do that, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to do unless I was high cause it sucks configuring that thing and I get frustrated easily, especially because I was trying to incorporate something new into it, which I guess ya'll will see when I launch the website.

As for me getting active... why would I want to do that? I'm sure in the spring/summer when I get manic I'll be doing all sorts of stuff, but I'm in the depression part where no, I don't get sad, I just don't ever want to leave my house and do, well, anything. Like work. I have to drag my ass to work just to get there one or two days a week. When I get manic I'll be going four or five times a week. It's just a thing that happens every year. Also during that time I probably won't be writing much either.

And I don't do college, nor probably ever will. I find it stupid to spend ridiculous amounts of money on learning stuff I can just teach myself/have taught myself already.

kelly said...
funny how the world works in your favor sometimes.

I'm slightly confused by this. The world works in my favor because I got my name written on my food box? lol.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dial up, dope, fanfiction, leverage, parker, website design

I didn't do any drugs yesterday.

I would love to say that that was MY decision, but it wasn't. Technical difficulties were involved. Though my craving has for the most part passed... for now. I'm not shaking anymore.

Nemesis is driving me insane, I hope everyone knows that. The bitch is in heat, and while I'm used to Phoenix being in heat, who, while her annoyingness isn't THAT bad... Nemesis NEVER shuts the fuck up! I mean with Phoenix, all I have to do is yell "SHUT UP!" really loudly and she shuts up for at least 10 minutes. She listens to mommy. Nemesis doesn't.

Which, I don't know how the hell she's JUST going through her first heat cycle now. Her birthday was the 10th, she just turned one, but Phoenix started her heat cycles at 7 months. Her kittens were born just before her first birthday.

I don't know. I just know I gotta get her fixed now. I hate that she's this fucking annoying. I never bothered with Phoenix cause hell, Hades is fixed so she can't get knocked up again. I can deal with her pitiful whining.

NEMESIS IS ALL MEOW MEOW MEOOOOWWWWWWWW WHEN I'M ALL TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP AND SHIT.

I want to hit her, but I won't. That's animal abuse and such nonsense.

In other news, I caved. I'm currently in the process of building a fansite for Beth Riesgraf. Yeah, I'm the shit and can manage to make something presentable out of barely any info. I'm just effing amazing like that.

Though I have to say, I am loving the FUCK out my layout. I'm finally trying to upgrade myself and try new shit, and I just made the fanciest fucking navigation bar. And I know you're all probably like "um, so what? It's a fucking navigation bar," but it's important to ME.

I gotta go get a prepaid credit card to go buy the domain name. Unless anyone wants to donate? *shifty*

It's pretty much all done except for the photo gallery. I'm slacking on that, I hate setting up coppermine galleries. What's worse, I can't use an FTP agent in this suite that I currently live in, they block the fucking ports. What does that mean, do you ask? That means I can't bulk upload, I have to singularly put in files.

Yeah, not looking forward to that. REALLY REALLY REALLY not. Hence the procrastination.

I love procrastination, it's great. OH! It's 10am, that means I can finally order some fucking food, I'm starving.

Don't ask me why I'm awake at 10am, my drunk passing out phase when I got home from work only lasted about 2 hours before I was up again.

Sucks, when I pass out drunk I don't have to deal with trying to fall asleep with Nemesis' annoying voice.

By the way, white girls were highly unappreciated at work today. I find that unacceptable, because it's something I'm not used to.

The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, cats, website design, work

I did mention earlier I'd end up being labeled as "the crazy Parker fanatic" eventually right? Well, even though I'm not called THAT -- my obsession with Parker ended up getting me noticed by the show.

Yeah, seriously. I couldn't believe it either.

My sleeps been so fucked up recently I woke up at 9:30 tonight and wasn't sure if it was 9am or 9pm... lol. That's bad. Considering I need to get my ass to work on Wednesday. Really I should work tomorrow, but that would mean I miss Leverage and um, no.

So I wake up, half asleep and stumble my ass to the computer to see how many comments I got on all my Parker ships wallpapers. I made a wallpaper for Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, Parker/Sophie and Parker/Nate (which I don't understand THAT pairing, but I know some people like it so I did it anyway).

Well, I have like fifteen comments (I'm good, what can I say? haha), and I check all of those. Then I see I have a new email.

I had to read the first line over like, I kid you not, about three times. I was like "wait a minute, I must still be really fucking sleepy cause I think that just said that this was from someone who works on/is affiliated with Leverage"

Read it over a couple times, I wasn't wrong, it really said that.

I didn't think in a million years I'd actually get contacted by the show. I won't say specifically who it was per his request, but I'm really flattered, like, insanely so.

Well, I guess they really like the channel I set up for Parker and is going to forward the link to Beth (Riesgraf) so she can check it out herself. I also got offered to be helped out with my channel, and be given "supplemental materials for it". Seriously, people.

I'm excited, shit like this never happens to me. If I actually am able to get in contact with Beth and extend my offer to build her an official website, and if she accepts, do you even UNDERSTAND how much exposure that is for me alone?

So, I'm a happy fucking bitch right now.

Finally, my crazy obsessions actually amount to something. lmao!

Labels: beth riesgraf, leverage, obsessions, parker, website design, youtube

Whoever said skitzers aren't productive? Lies, all LIES.

I fell off the sober wagon today. And while I was beating myself up over it earlier, because the only reason I smoked was so that I could stop being dope sick AND having a cold at the same time. That was really killing me, and it was very hard to try to get to sleep. I also started getting really nauseated and started gagging.

Gagging, not puking. I never puke. Sometimes I think my body doesn't know how. Then I remember the times that I do, and they only include food poisoning and a massive pill overdose. But I can stick my fingers all the way down my throat and wiggle them about and nothing happens. It's really quite annoying, actually, because you know when you puke you feel better. So do I ever feel better? Nope!

It was ten in the morning, and I was really tiered. My eyes were getting heavy, my back was hurting, and I was feeling even more nauseated. Then one of my friends calls, and tells me she's gonna come over early in the afternoon. I say that's fine, after all, it's been awhile since I've been able to hang out with my friends.

I know if I went to bed then, then by the time she got here, would be when she wakes me up. And my house... was disgusting. Not dirty, not messy... DISGUSTING.

So me, completely sober and VERY sick, starts to obsessively clean my house for about two hours. And not just pick up trash, but wiping down surfaces and stuff. If you know me, that's pretty damn good. I hate cleaning, really, I do. The only time I ever do it is when company comes over. Otherwise, I'm perfectly happy living in my filth. Gross, I know. But true.

Later on in the afternoon, my friend comes over bearing... dope. And to be honest, there was no thinking, no choices, it was there and I did it. And to be honest, after I did it, I started to feel SO much better. And I don't just mean from the high. My sickness was pretty much gone, besides the cough. Dope is my medicine, apparently. How quaint.

Later on in the evening, we meet up with another friend, and everyone comes back to my place. I was currently in the middle of redoing the layout to my website, which I started late last night.

Now see, most people are under the impression that meth makes you do things like clean obsessively, or sit there for hours doing some stupid mundane thing. No, not me. When I skitz out, I need to be on my computer. I do productive things. I am a VERY productive skitzer. And hell, today, I was fucking hella productive.

After watching the new Leverage, my friends take over the TV and I sit my happy little ass on the computer. I finished the layout for my personal website ( Sapphire Smoke Online ) and even added the bones one shot story, and a Bellatrix/Narcissa fan fiction I'm currently in the middle of.

Then I decided, well fuck, my website for Hudson needs a new layout too!

So what do I do? Redesign my entire layout for the website ( Hudson-Leick.Info ). Really, I've been meaning to redo that thing for months now. MONTHS. And I got it done in a matter of... I believe four or five hours. I'm very proud of myself.

Is it wrong to think I shouldn't quit?

Probably.

Everyone has been so supportive of me overcoming my drug problem, but this is why I've always liked it. It gives me the focus and desire to do things that usually I don't have the patience to do, but I need to get done. I'm just starting to think that maybe I just shouldn't combine that many drugs again, but the meth is okay.

Which really, I know it's not, because I know without a doubt that I'm addicted to it now, which I never thought I would be. But I NEEDED it, and I've never in my life needed it. I've never in my life gotten sick because I didn't have it.

I don't know, I got a lot of things to think about.

Labels: addiction, cleaning, dope sick, drugs, hudson leick, ice, meth, productivity, sick, website design, withdrawals

I haven't slept since I woke up at 3pm on Wednesday afternoon. While it was all good and lovely at first, right now it kinda bothers me because I sadly am forced to go to work tonight to participate in a photoshoot.

Yeah. A Photoshoot. On no sleep. Probably looking cracked out.

FTL.

I don't know, I get ahold of those pictures before anyone else first cause I get to be the one to put them on the stupid website, so I can always attempt to edit my cracked out-ness.... but IDK if it'll work or not. Never took pics like this.

Videos, yes. Videos I wish I never did take because I didn't know how fucked up I looked until I wasn't and watched it back. Its funny cause you always think your acting normal and your just not.

IDK. Maybe I shouldn't go. But I do need money, have to pay my room this week, and I am thus far... $200 short. Well, that is if I ever get my fucking check cashed. But then again, I don't have to pay it until Monday. So ugh.

I swear to fucking god this dope is never ending. I get some Wednesday before work because I had a rough night the night before, but really needed to be awake to work.

I order $20, pay for $20, get a $50 because apparently my new dealer is fucking awesome, and gave me more because his last batch was kinda bunk.

But seriously, $50 used to last me a day. ONE DAY. How in the fuck am I on day three and at the rate this shit is going, I could probably still be up for another two.

And I can't just stop doing it. IDK if any of you have done it before, but coming down is the worst feeling in the world. The only time people will let themselves go through that much pain and sickness is when they run out.

Either that or their body finally collapses and falls out. That's usually better. Well, I like it better anyway. I sleep for like 24 hours after that.

Blah, drugs suck. This shit needs to finished.

LOL I kind of find this funny. Here I am, I have the best dope I've gotten in awhile. Burns slow, lasts long, isn't making me grind my teeth, I can still eat on it (maybe not as much as I usually can, but I can eat a small meal) and I can take a short nap for like an hour every now and then. I don't feel horrible. I just feel... unmotivated. I suppose.

In other news, I finished my website. Finally...

http://beth-riesgraf.info/

I was having some issues with the domain earlier, but its all cool now. So yay. MaryWIN.

Also, for any of you that actually looked at what I did via the last post... I've been requested to do more, so I am. & they got worse. So so soooo much worse. But I love them. They're so twisted and perverted and fucked up and it makes me LOL.

UGH. I wanna take a fucking nap.

Work bad. Sleep good.
Work bad. Sleep good.

Fucking blah. You know my cats are eating dog food? Yeah, apparently the stupid store decided to stock 476384 thinsg of dog food, and no cat food... but yet cat litter. I'm like wtf dude. SRSLY.

Fuck all the bullshit, I need to eat something before I die. The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dope, drugs, meth, website design, work

I tried an experiment yesterday.

The thing is, I really don't EVER want to upload hundreds or thousands of fucking pictures one by one. That just sucks. Very much so.

Though, after I uploaded all the award shows/premiers photos, leverage promotional photos, and leverage behind the scenes photos of Beth I was like wait a minute.

The entire reason I can't bulk upload files is due to them blocking the port on their wireless modem, right? Well, dial up doesn't use that.

Yeah, I shuddered at those words too. Dial up...

However, I was correct in thinking my FTP would work with dial up. It's painfully PAINFULLY much slower than I'm used to my FTPs working, but it's less time consuming then uploading them one by one. I've uploaded most all of them except the last two episodes that aired. I'm uploading The Wedding Job right now before I do The Stork Job, because even though it came after it, The Stork Job has close to 400 screencaps of Beth cause it's a very Parker-centric episode, so I'm going to upload those while I sleep cause it's gonna take a couple hours. What I did with The Nigerian Job last night.

Steve (my friend/customer/minion) is going to buy the domain name for me, because apparently no one can get off their dope fucked asses to drive me to cash my stupid check, let alone have me put the money on a freaking prepaid credit card. Two days of "oh yeah we'll be over" and then just NOT.

I'm slightly convinced the people of Leverage and TNT probably think I'm so wacked out stalker Beth fan, which while is highly annoying because I'm not, there's nothing I can do about that. If ya'll haven't noticed, I tend to have a thing for under appreciated talented actresses. Like Hudson for example. Hudson's still my favorite actress by far, but do I stalk her? No. Why? Probably because half the time I'm not even sure if I want to be in the same vicinity as her because I tend to get lectured about something everytime I am lol. She's like a fusion between my mother and my sister, the way she lectures me. It sounds odd, but you wouldn't get it unless you knew my mother and sister lol. I still love Hudson though, don't get me wrong, the woman has taught me more in this life than most other people I've come across.

But I concider her an "unappreciated talented actress" because 98% of the time when I say "Hudson Leick" people are like "Who?" and then I gotta say "Callisto from Xena" and then get a "duhh" kind of look from them to which I have to explain, "The blonde psychotic bitch that always wanted to kill Xena and had rocks fall on her head all the time." The people are like "OHHHH!!"

And Beth is more under appreciated than Hudson is. My website is going to be the ONLY fansite out there for her once it's launched. THE ONLY FREAKING ONE.

Granted, to be fair, this is her first big role.

On a side note, I'm half convinced her first role was actually a artistic hardcore porn film, and it's driving me insane because I can't figure it out. Not that my reason (or my main reason anyway - I am only human after all) is to watch it just cause she's all naked and possibly doing icky het things in it, but because on the header in the welcome message on every page it says that was her first role, which while it WAS, I just don't much want to advertise her porn on there as her first role, even if it is artistically done or whatever. I really did think it was just a movie until I read someones comment on the film, and now I'm not so sure.

But oh well, until I find out that it is in fact porn, it's staying up there. The website is going to be launched in a day or two, hopefully. It depends on how long it takes for the domain name to take effect after Steve buys it, I can't remember.

Now, on to something about Leverage that slightly intrigues me, are you ready for this? This will blow your mind if you know anything about me and my fandoms.

In every fandom that I have, I usually like one or two couples, always femslash. BTVS... Buffy/Faith. X:WP... Xena/Gabrielle, Eve/Varia. Bones.... Brennan/Angela. You get the idea. Mainly, that's the only fanfiction I write/read/give half a fuck about. Everything else gets passed by without a second glance.

Leverage is very different. Not exactly sure why either lol.

I read solo Parker fanfics(which doesn't mean masturbation you dirty minded people lol)/general fanfics.
I read/write Parker/Sophie.
I read/will be writing soon Parker/Eliot - cause they are the prettiest het couple ever lol.
I read Parker/Hardison.
I read Hardison/Eliot.

And the het and slash fics.. I'll read the NC-17. It's slightly hard to get through during those parts, but I'll effing read it.

While my first try at writing het sex occurred in a very short scene in "Path of Forgiveness", I'll probably be trying my hand at Parker/Eliot. First I wanna write a PG-13 one, just to kind of get the hang of trying to picture het in my head while I write, but I think they're gonna break my het sex cherry fully.

I don't think I'll ever write boyslash. I can't relate to any of that lmao.

But it kind of nice, to actually enjoy the ENTIRE fandom, instead of just bits which I usually do.

This fucking show better be on the air for a very long time. NOW! Onto comments....

v1cious said...
lol was the food free?

also, i noticed your recent entry was on Friday. does that mean you haven't been using at all, or just as of yesterday. either way, it's good that you're making progress. have you considered a daytime activity, like maybe a second job part-time college classes? that would keep you active.

I wish, but no lol.

At the time, it meant that I wasn't using at all. My days are a little screwy, and right now even though it's 3:16am on Tuesday, I still consider it Monday because I haven't slept yet. My days start later than everyone elses haha.

I did, however use yesterday. I didn't buy, and no one came over and gave me any, but you'd be surprised how much fucking dope was stuck in all three of my pipes. It got me decently high, and I was able to finally stop procrastinating about the gallery. I needed to do that, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to do unless I was high cause it sucks configuring that thing and I get frustrated easily, especially because I was trying to incorporate something new into it, which I guess ya'll will see when I launch the website.

As for me getting active... why would I want to do that? I'm sure in the spring/summer when I get manic I'll be doing all sorts of stuff, but I'm in the depression part where no, I don't get sad, I just don't ever want to leave my house and do, well, anything. Like work. I have to drag my ass to work just to get there one or two days a week. When I get manic I'll be going four or five times a week. It's just a thing that happens every year. Also during that time I probably won't be writing much either.

And I don't do college, nor probably ever will. I find it stupid to spend ridiculous amounts of money on learning stuff I can just teach myself/have taught myself already.

kelly said...
funny how the world works in your favor sometimes.

I'm slightly confused by this. The world works in my favor because I got my name written on my food box? lol.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dial up, dope, fanfiction, leverage, parker, website design

I didn't do any drugs yesterday.

I would love to say that that was MY decision, but it wasn't. Technical difficulties were involved. Though my craving has for the most part passed... for now. I'm not shaking anymore.

Nemesis is driving me insane, I hope everyone knows that. The bitch is in heat, and while I'm used to Phoenix being in heat, who, while her annoyingness isn't THAT bad... Nemesis NEVER shuts the fuck up! I mean with Phoenix, all I have to do is yell "SHUT UP!" really loudly and she shuts up for at least 10 minutes. She listens to mommy. Nemesis doesn't.

Which, I don't know how the hell she's JUST going through her first heat cycle now. Her birthday was the 10th, she just turned one, but Phoenix started her heat cycles at 7 months. Her kittens were born just before her first birthday.

I don't know. I just know I gotta get her fixed now. I hate that she's this fucking annoying. I never bothered with Phoenix cause hell, Hades is fixed so she can't get knocked up again. I can deal with her pitiful whining.

NEMESIS IS ALL MEOW MEOW MEOOOOWWWWWWWW WHEN I'M ALL TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP AND SHIT.

I want to hit her, but I won't. That's animal abuse and such nonsense.

In other news, I caved. I'm currently in the process of building a fansite for Beth Riesgraf. Yeah, I'm the shit and can manage to make something presentable out of barely any info. I'm just effing amazing like that.

Though I have to say, I am loving the FUCK out my layout. I'm finally trying to upgrade myself and try new shit, and I just made the fanciest fucking navigation bar. And I know you're all probably like "um, so what? It's a fucking navigation bar," but it's important to ME.

I gotta go get a prepaid credit card to go buy the domain name. Unless anyone wants to donate? *shifty*

It's pretty much all done except for the photo gallery. I'm slacking on that, I hate setting up coppermine galleries. What's worse, I can't use an FTP agent in this suite that I currently live in, they block the fucking ports. What does that mean, do you ask? That means I can't bulk upload, I have to singularly put in files.

Yeah, not looking forward to that. REALLY REALLY REALLY not. Hence the procrastination.

I love procrastination, it's great. OH! It's 10am, that means I can finally order some fucking food, I'm starving.

Don't ask me why I'm awake at 10am, my drunk passing out phase when I got home from work only lasted about 2 hours before I was up again.

Sucks, when I pass out drunk I don't have to deal with trying to fall asleep with Nemesis' annoying voice.

By the way, white girls were highly unappreciated at work today. I find that unacceptable, because it's something I'm not used to.

The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, cats, website design, work

I did mention earlier I'd end up being labeled as "the crazy Parker fanatic" eventually right? Well, even though I'm not called THAT -- my obsession with Parker ended up getting me noticed by the show.

Yeah, seriously. I couldn't believe it either.

My sleeps been so fucked up recently I woke up at 9:30 tonight and wasn't sure if it was 9am or 9pm... lol. That's bad. Considering I need to get my ass to work on Wednesday. Really I should work tomorrow, but that would mean I miss Leverage and um, no.

So I wake up, half asleep and stumble my ass to the computer to see how many comments I got on all my Parker ships wallpapers. I made a wallpaper for Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, Parker/Sophie and Parker/Nate (which I don't understand THAT pairing, but I know some people like it so I did it anyway).

Well, I have like fifteen comments (I'm good, what can I say? haha), and I check all of those. Then I see I have a new email.

I had to read the first line over like, I kid you not, about three times. I was like "wait a minute, I must still be really fucking sleepy cause I think that just said that this was from someone who works on/is affiliated with Leverage"

Read it over a couple times, I wasn't wrong, it really said that.

I didn't think in a million years I'd actually get contacted by the show. I won't say specifically who it was per his request, but I'm really flattered, like, insanely so.

Well, I guess they really like the channel I set up for Parker and is going to forward the link to Beth (Riesgraf) so she can check it out herself. I also got offered to be helped out with my channel, and be given "supplemental materials for it". Seriously, people.

I'm excited, shit like this never happens to me. If I actually am able to get in contact with Beth and extend my offer to build her an official website, and if she accepts, do you even UNDERSTAND how much exposure that is for me alone?

So, I'm a happy fucking bitch right now.

Finally, my crazy obsessions actually amount to something. lmao!

Labels: beth riesgraf, leverage, obsessions, parker, website design, youtube

Whoever said skitzers aren't productive? Lies, all LIES.

I fell off the sober wagon today. And while I was beating myself up over it earlier, because the only reason I smoked was so that I could stop being dope sick AND having a cold at the same time. That was really killing me, and it was very hard to try to get to sleep. I also started getting really nauseated and started gagging.

Gagging, not puking. I never puke. Sometimes I think my body doesn't know how. Then I remember the times that I do, and they only include food poisoning and a massive pill overdose. But I can stick my fingers all the way down my throat and wiggle them about and nothing happens. It's really quite annoying, actually, because you know when you puke you feel better. So do I ever feel better? Nope!

It was ten in the morning, and I was really tiered. My eyes were getting heavy, my back was hurting, and I was feeling even more nauseated. Then one of my friends calls, and tells me she's gonna come over early in the afternoon. I say that's fine, after all, it's been awhile since I've been able to hang out with my friends.

I know if I went to bed then, then by the time she got here, would be when she wakes me up. And my house... was disgusting. Not dirty, not messy... DISGUSTING.

So me, completely sober and VERY sick, starts to obsessively clean my house for about two hours. And not just pick up trash, but wiping down surfaces and stuff. If you know me, that's pretty damn good. I hate cleaning, really, I do. The only time I ever do it is when company comes over. Otherwise, I'm perfectly happy living in my filth. Gross, I know. But true.

Later on in the afternoon, my friend comes over bearing... dope. And to be honest, there was no thinking, no choices, it was there and I did it. And to be honest, after I did it, I started to feel SO much better. And I don't just mean from the high. My sickness was pretty much gone, besides the cough. Dope is my medicine, apparently. How quaint.

Later on in the evening, we meet up with another friend, and everyone comes back to my place. I was currently in the middle of redoing the layout to my website, which I started late last night.

Now see, most people are under the impression that meth makes you do things like clean obsessively, or sit there for hours doing some stupid mundane thing. No, not me. When I skitz out, I need to be on my computer. I do productive things. I am a VERY productive skitzer. And hell, today, I was fucking hella productive.

After watching the new Leverage, my friends take over the TV and I sit my happy little ass on the computer. I finished the layout for my personal website ( Sapphire Smoke Online ) and even added the bones one shot story, and a Bellatrix/Narcissa fan fiction I'm currently in the middle of.

Then I decided, well fuck, my website for Hudson needs a new layout too!

So what do I do? Redesign my entire layout for the website ( Hudson-Leick.Info ). Really, I've been meaning to redo that thing for months now. MONTHS. And I got it done in a matter of... I believe four or five hours. I'm very proud of myself.

Is it wrong to think I shouldn't quit?

Probably.

Everyone has been so supportive of me overcoming my drug problem, but this is why I've always liked it. It gives me the focus and desire to do things that usually I don't have the patience to do, but I need to get done. I'm just starting to think that maybe I just shouldn't combine that many drugs again, but the meth is okay.

Which really, I know it's not, because I know without a doubt that I'm addicted to it now, which I never thought I would be. But I NEEDED it, and I've never in my life needed it. I've never in my life gotten sick because I didn't have it.

I don't know, I got a lot of things to think about.

Labels: addiction, cleaning, dope sick, drugs, hudson leick, ice, meth, productivity, sick, website design, withdrawals

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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