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My life really is like waking up to the same boring day over and over again.

Even when I switch it up, and actually get my lazy ass into work, it’s still the same shit every day. I drink too much, I bond with at least one nerd, I get asked to go home with someone at least twice, I’ll get shown an obscene body part on a cell phone, and I’ll be asked how much I charge for sex. It’s the same shit, over and over and over again.

I’m really sick of it.

Mainly, I’m sick of acting like I actually give a shit about any of these people who are giving me money. Because I don’t. I don’t know them, so why should I pretend like I do?

I’ve gotten bored with sexual manipulation. It’s too easy.

I used to do this because I found people interesting. And while yes, I have met some interesting people in this line of work; I’ve come to the conclusion that unfortunately, most people are the same. Nothing surprises me anymore, or maybe just because I’ve heard it all.

I’m also sick of showing my cunt to everyone willing to look. Which, lets face it, is a startling amount of people.

Moving on, though.

As for the whole Scientology thing, and everyone via here and Twitter and wherever else who are asking me if I still consider it a religion, the answer is yes. It is classified as such, and everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe. Frankly, you could dress up a goat in a damn skirt and call it your divine being, and I really couldn’t give a shit.

We all are instilled with free will, and everyone has the right to exercise that.

On a random note: Parker’s sexuality is in my hands. Don’t ask. It just makes me laugh, and quite possible be a bit ‘grr’ cause that’s just a sad reward/punishment system. Or should I say, it’s sad that I take it as such. Maybe.

But it worked. Damnit.

And I’m also really lonely. I came to that startling conclusion during my bipolar hung over spaz I had on Thursday. I also came to the conclusion that I dive into Leverage, and my Beth website, and whatever else… fanfiction and crap, due to that. To make me seem less lonely.

How ridiculous.

It’s also fucking pouring today, and normally that means I wouldn’t go to work, but I need to make rent. Jeez. Ruin my happy moment. I love being home when it’s raining. Listening to it.

But whatever.

Labels: leverage, parker, stripping, work sucks

So me and Kimber started to have a very healthy yet passionate debate over Parker and Sophie and thier character arcs and stuff in the Leverage chat tonight (with Maggie, Tina, and Yu as witnesses to this whole ordeal) Unfortunately it ended up morphing into being just about Parker.

For those of you that have been reading this blog for awhile now, I have gone a little into why I love the character so much. I admire the hell out of her, and admire Beth Riesgraf for playing a character like that, to the point where it's just... really personal. There are so many things about Parker that I see in myself, except I see that Parker got it right. Parker's stronger. Parker's better. And it's just... Okay, I'll get to that afterwards.

I'm gonna post the debate, because honestly it is really interesting, and I think other's might find it interesting... until I flip out entirely at the end. Which I will explain. Fuck it. I... just don't care anymore. And really, I need to justify WHY I totally went insane in the chat. Rather not have people think I'm crazy for no reason.

Me: (talking about writing a Parker/Sophie physical fight just for the hell of it) But I don't know what the fuck would make them fight like that, and the fact that Sophie couldn't take Parker in a million years? Yeah…

Kimber: I think she could. Well....maybe not take her...but she could be a match for a LITTLE while....

Me: No she couldn't lmao. Don't kid yourself. Parker's TRAINED. Sophie? No. Ahaha

Kimber: She had to have gotten into fights before....and just when her strength starts to wane, is when Parker makes her move.

Me: While I can imagine her being STRONGER than Parker, Parker is way more skilled.

Kimber: Parker wasn't trained until ELIOT... and now they're all... how did Rogers put that?..."cross-training".... Sophie might actually be better... who knows? I just think Sophie COULD be good, IF/WHEN need be. Hand-to-hand combat is just more of a last resort for Sophie. Or in your story you could mention "Eliot's been training me, too" or something.

Maggie: Well she has been taking care of herself for a long time

Kimber: Like "When did you get so good?".... "Eliot's been training me, too".... That still wouldn’t explain WHY they're fighting, though. LMAO

Me: Parker was trained before Eliot! THE STORK JOB HELLO. Eliot didn't start training her until season 2

Kimber: I don't think that was "training" so much as "fight or flight"...the kid peeking through gave her the added "boost"... the adrenaline kicked in... she HAD to take him down to help the kids escape.

Tina: Sophie in a black sports bra type shirt with the black leggings sparring with Eliot.......... *comes back to reality* Sorry tangent thought

Kimber: I think, before Eliot, it was more....Parker could defend herself, yes....but *actual* training...no. Some people are naturally good at some things.

Me: Uh, did you not see her technique? Not many people who fight just to not be killed can do cartwheel kicky things and jumping up to hold oton a bar and yada yada… I mean most people just... don't do that.

Kimber: Parker's different, though.

Me: GAH. –headdesk- JUST LET ME BE RIGHT.

Kimber: LOL. Nope! hehe

Me: PARKER IS LIKE MY DAMN LIFE. LET ME TAKE THE WIN. DAMNIT

Kimber: I'll stick to Sophie.

Tina: "Think about when you’re father died"

Kimber: ROTFLMAO

Me: That line still doesn't make sense

Kimber: Why not? *confused* They've never specifically said how old she was when she was put in the system.

Me: Because either A) she was guessing and that’s just a weird ass thing to guess (possibly even rude) or B) Parker told her this, when Parker never showed any signs of being remotely close to Sophie, especially not where it was SUPPOSED to be placed, as the fourth episode. No way Parker would let a complete stranger know her past

Kimber: Sophie reads people for a living.

Me: You can't just read that someone’s father died.

Kimber: It's probably the "back plot" the audience will never get to see.

Me: Sophie reading people doesn't make her a mind reader.

Kimber: It's not mind reading.... but... wait... *tries to remember order now*... GAH! Aired eps or DVD eps?

Me: DVD eps

Kimber: Damn, I forget both....LOL

Me: Its supposed to be 1.04 and aired its 1.09

Kimber: Yeah, but The Wedding Job was before that.

Me: Yes, so? They didn't have any bonding scenes in that ep or any eps before that. That would make it seem like Parker would trust Sophie with that information. And no, I do not buy that she "read" it from her.

Kimber: Maybe she read something at the table.... her friend's little girl.... Parker was close to her... and it was the little girl's dad in jail... maybe Sophie saw something in Parker's eyes/body language and DID guess... just turned out her guess was correct. "Educated guess"....

Me: Beth plays Parker very well when it comes to body language and mannerisms. She also has worked out Parker's backstory on her own and plays it into how Parker’ reacts to things, so if there was something about it, Beth would have played into it physically.

Kimber: We just saw the little girl go to her mom when she said "Daddy's coming home"... We never saw any of the team. A slight hint of....longing? loathing?... something... in Parker's eyes as that scene played out that we (as an audience) didn't see.

Me: Yeah huh, the girl was on Parker's lap and they smiled and clapped. Besides, Parker has total daddy issues.

Kimber: Though I do think she killed him. LOL. Probably blew up their house, too. Hence how she knew how to do it at the foster home.

Me: But I doubt she's killed anyone or then that many people... While Parker is fucked off to hell, she's not a murderer, but she would kill in a kill or be killed situation.

Kimber: She DIDN'T kill the foster, though.

Me: But if you think she killed her father, what was to stop her from killing anyone else like her foster? Once you kill, its like a drug. Or so people say >.>

Kimber: Ugh...there was one interview where Rogers claimed the foster family wasn't home when she blew up their house.... So....ONLY killing her dad wouldn't be that many people.... just one.... and maybe a few along the way as she grew up, yeah... if she had to....

Me: No I know, and it was on his blog.

Maggie: And on the commentary

Me: No, what I'm SAYING is that if she killed him, why would she not kill her abusive foster father too? Two murders is just as good as one

Kimber: Hmm...I wouldn't know...I've never technically killed anyone. So I can't say if it's like a drug or not. LOL

Me: I’m into reading into a lot of psychological profiles on serial killers and shit... and even people that just kill once, but really when you kill its like you think your God. And you'll do it again, with less hesitation the next time. My point? Parker is not a murderer. Not that I'm saying she isn't capable, she IS.

Kimber: TOTALLY! Though...now I wonder how she'd feel.... Would it affect her? If she did/has...or maybe that's some of what did effect her? IF she did kill her dad… ARGH!!! They so need to do more flashbacks!!! LMAO

Me: She'd retreat more into herself. Her psychological issues point more towards sexual abuse than being a murderer.

Kimber: Sexual AND physical. The defense mechanism...since she can fight.

Me: Well yes, physical tends to go with sexual, rape isn't non-violent.

Kimber: Well, if the person isn't struggling... With the "let 'em do it and he'll leave you alone" mentality...

Me: Parker's a fighter. She would never lay down and take it. No, she's not that fucked off.

Kimber: Also depend on how young she was, too.

Me: Everyone has the mentality to fight, it's instinct when you become so violated And yes, after time and time again it can break a persons mentality and they just SIT THERE AND LET PEOPLE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LET THEM TOUCH THEM AND LET THEM TAKE WHATEVER THE FUCK TEHY WANT AND DO WHAT THEY’RE TOLD AND... FUbdskjf DAMNIT! I'm FUCKING DONE! FUCK THIS CONVERSTAION! Djlshf

Kimber: If she was an infant when it started....NOT in the foster system yet....she could have grown up thinking that was normal.

Me: JUST STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS *is trying to calm down and stop crying*

Kimber: Huh?

Me: You don't understand! Parker wouldn't... she just wouldn't TAKE THAT SHIT LIKE I DID. She's BETTER than that!

Me: Fuck, nevermind! This has gotten entirely too personal.

And that's where that ended... and I just left. I was crying and having a slight panic attack. I totally didn't want to go there. EVER. I just... I wasn't expecting that to happen and I couldn't handle it. I can't handle someone telling me Parker might not have been strong, that she might have just taken it. I CAN'T believe that, I just can't.

Parker is better than that. She's so much STRONGER than that. And yeah she's fucked off all to hell and back, but she's OKAY. She's found something she loves and she's doing and it and she does it well, she doesn't let her fucked off past effect her like I do.

I just.. it's so stupid, but I look up to that character SO MUCH for that. For me to believe that she was exactly like me? I just CAN'T. Because then what? Then who the fuck am I? Why can't I just get past all the bullshit. I have to believe she's so much stronger than I am.

And I know none of this has ever been confirmed officially. But I see it in Parker, the way she acts and stuff. I've gone into that more in other entries so I won't now but... I'm convinced she was sexually abused as a child. But one thing I love about Leverage is that they DON'T ever tell you. As fucked up as it is, Parker being abused sexually means so much to me, and maybe someone else might have a different take on her past that means just as much, you know? But this... this is so personal and I just can't... fuck. You know what I mean.

My two favorite characters Beth has ever played? Parker and Kelly/Sue in that "Without A Trace" episodes. Why? Sexual abuse. In WAT... drugs too. That was the second thing I saw of hers after Leverage... and I was like man, I adore this woman. She portrays the emotions tied to that SO WELL its INSANE. And with Parker and Kelly/Sue it was like different sides of the spectrum. Parker's strong... Kelly/Sue isn't (she changed her name, so I'm unsure of what to call her. We'll call her Sue since thats her real name). And okay, Sue was strong in her own right. She refused to have her own daughter go through what she did and ran, which was the only thing she knew how to do. Parker fights, Sue runs. But they're both legitimate responses.

I'm just... I don't know. I have a headache now. I just have to believe Parker is strong. I have to. Parker is one of the few characters on television that have made me hopeful for my own turnout. Without that? Fuck it. I mean... really. Just fuck it.

The end.

Labels: abuse, beth riesgraf, debate, leverage, parker, rape

When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. The main part of it anyway was how intensely lame it is that I admire Parker, seeing as she’s fictional, but I got very in depth with that. I think I’m going to keep it because let’s face it, most people think I’m fucking insane because they don’t understand why, so let’s try again and just focus on some main points so people might actually get it, shall we?

I had many men/boys take advantage of me when I was younger. I won’t go into it more than that in this revised entry, but it completely screwed with my sexuality, and I don’t just mean being a lesbian, because my sexuality is screwed way beyond that, and ties into all my whoring and… just everything. But that’s not the point, that’s the background.

People wonder why I love abused characters, or characters that show qualities of abuse. Faith from Buffy… she got beat by her mother. That is canon, look it up.

And Parker, well I’m CONVINCED she got abused (I’m leaning very much towards sexual abuse TBH), and it’s sad because I wrote this whole thing about her and the only reason I recognize signs like that is because the same shit happened to me. Some people think I’m like intensely insightful on the character. HA! No, I’ve just lived part of that character’s life, I see myself in her more than I should.

She has a strong blatant regard to her own sexuality, so did I for a long time, before I got taught what it was doing to people and how I could use it to my own benefit. I used to never get that people looked at me that way, and just changing in front of others was another part of life. Being naked is so natural and being looked at like that is so natural (and being touched is natural – if you want to go that far) that you don’t understand anything different about it. Parker has no fucking clue what her changing in front of Hardison does for him (and while it’s usually awkward with Hardison, its cause hello, he fucking likes her). And while it’s obvious for us, it just doesn’t click for her. She never learned it was inappropriate.

And her social problems… huge factor in most cases of abuse. Most abused children don’t ever learn how to communicate properly as adults. Take me, for example. I’m okay, but there’s just times where it’s so hard to get people to understand how I think. And it reminds me of something Gina said in an interview in regards to playing Jane: the trick of acting insane is to think your sane, because all insane people do, right? Which then leads me to believe I might really be insane, because no one else understands my train of thought and yet I think it’s crystal fucking clear.

But the catch? I LOVE Parker for it, for being abused. Why? Because if she did and she came out that STRONG and that fucking BRILLIANT then why can’t I? Yeah maybe she’s a thief, and maybe it’s wicked stupid to look up to a fictional character, but I do. She might have a job that’s morally wrong, but she’s THE BEST at it. She took what was wrong with her life and used it to her advantage, and I admire the FUCK out of that.

People think Parker’s so screwed up, but I think she fixed herself so well it’s unbelievable. People think she’s crazy because she sees more truth in things than other people. She’s like a child in that aspect almost, seeing things in black and white. It either is or it isn’t. Complications only arise when people lie, ever notice that? Why I don’t do it very often. I’m one of those people that would rather hurt you now to help you rather than leave you blissfully unaware. To me that’s worse.

Did any of you notice WHEN I started the TwentyPoundOfCrazy channel? It was after The Stork Job, and there’s a reason for that. While I saw signs in Parker, I never really thought anything bad happened to her before that. I just thought she had a social disorder, was a bit off, but that was it. Why? Because she’s usually so damn HAPPY and nonchalant about everything, so how could she have had a horrible past and turn out that way? And then The Stork Job came along… and it made me realize how truly broken she is because of her experiences.

“[…] They’re going to turn out like me…”

I’m sorry, but because she broke a bit it made me love her so much more. It made me admire her a hell of a lot more. Underneath it all she still carries a lot of self hate, but she’s so damn productive, so damn focused, so damn determined to be okay that it makes me wish I could be like that. She tries SO HARD, and succeeds so fucking well (in most everything – socially she’s still behind) that I just… I want to be like that so much.

And yeah, she’s got her issues. Her interaction with the human race is permanently tainted due to everything, but that flaw doesn’t even matter in the big picture. It really, really doesn’t.

I want to be a bit off, if in the larger picture I’m still okay. And I’m just… not right now.

But you know, I’m one of those people that when I meet “celebrities” (and I do use that term loosely due to not feeling the whole ‘OMG IT’S SO AND SO!’ anymore due to Hudson being my yoga teacher, otherwise I’m sure I still would) I will never EVER tell them what their music/acting has done for me, how it’s helped me. Music wise: Christina Aguilera was significant for me from 13-16. Evanescence from 16-18. Celine Dion practically my whole life. Tell me that’s lame, and I’ll kick you in the scrotum. I love her, I do.

Faith, she helped me out a lot. Too bad I turned the name into something I despise due to my stripping activities that I won’t go into right now. You all still only know the half of it. I’m slightly a hypocrite.

I used to think Callisto helped me out so much, but in truth it was Hudson as a person that helped me out more than words can describe. Amazing woman, and I’m not just saying that. She’s someone I look up to so much, her ENERGY, her LOVE… you can just feel it. Not only that, she’ll bluntly tell me I’m being a fuck up when I am. I kind of need that.

Point? Would I EVER tell Beth how much I admire her portrayal of Parker? No. Why? Because it just seems like something everyone says, you know? “Oh you helped me so much when you played such an such or sang whatever song,” it’s really just a stupid fan thing. And to really mean it, I’d have to explain it, probably cry during it, and I just don’t cry in front of people, or at least I try not to. I don’t know Beth at all, therefore wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d feel like an idiot, but that’s mostly because I view crying as a weakness.

Plus, I’m positive she thinks I’m insane. I’m obviously one of her biggest fans (her portrayal of a drug addict/sexually abused child in Without A Trace was so fucking amazing it hurt). I mean I run her fan site, I made that YouTube channel for Parker, and while I have tried COUNTLESS times to try and contact her in regards to the website because it does need a lot of help and it would be nice if she would be involved – she hasn’t contacted me. And come on, everyone on that show knows my contact info, and if they don’t, they know where to get it or who to get it from. I’m not stupid.

But I get it, which is what aggravates me the worst. I was actually going to make a video about this on RuiningYourSelfImage… just talking about how much I HATE being a fan. I hate the way it makes people look at you. I’m not fucking insane, and it pisses me off that people think that. But if something or someone touches me in that way then yes, I will try to show my gratitude.

And I’m sorry, but it’s the only way I know how. I mean do any of you even KNOW the amount of work that was involved to get that website up and running? She had barely any info about her on the internet AT ALL. I had to gather bits and pieces from everywhere, go on MASSIVE picture hunts to get a half way decent gallery, had to find and buy/download/record/edit all the tv shows/movies she’s been in, do screencaps MYSELF ( I hate screencapping too, seriously)… I mean shit, that was at least 50+ hours of work. And that’s what I do, that’s my thank you. But people just see it as being crazy. I’m sorry I’m creative. Eat me.

It’s really either you do nothing and no one knows or you do something and people think your nuts for it. It’s not like I’d ever go up to someone screaming and being like OH MY GOD YOU’RE MY IDOL! Because that’s fucking insane and idolization is foolish, plus it reminds me of Backstreet Boys fan girls… but, okay actually honestly I wouldn’t go up to anyone at all. Per things already described. I either tell them what it means to me and possibly cry, or don’t and not cry. I chose the latter, I don’t like crying. Plus crying fans are usually labeled as more insane.

It’s like, you know when fans will go up to their favorite actress/musician or whatever, and the “celebrity” is always “grateful”… always polite, all “oh, your sweet, thank you”? But yet you know in their head that they’re weirded out by the attention? Yeah, I don’t want to do that. Ever. Because I know what they’re thinking. I’d never settle for formalities, I’d rather just not even bother. What I feel about what they might have helped me with in my life is too important to be fucked off by formalities. And admiring Parker is helping me a lot right now; it makes me try really hard to be okay. To just kind of hate it all underneath, but still accept it and move forward in life. Use it as a stepping stone.

But try is the operative word in there.

I don’t even understand much celebrity hype anymore either. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to like live and die by all those stupid magazines, now I just mock them in my head as I pass them by in the grocery store. Maybe I’ve just gotten it into my head that they’re people too – that’s probably due to Hudson as well. The media likes to pretend they’re not, like they’re gods or something.

And yeah, I still get excited sometimes over them, oh so and so looked really pretty at this award show (which I don’t watch anymore, just see pictures) that’s basically it.

I don’t do paparazzi either, out of respect. On all of my fansites I’ve had to date I haven’t and never will include paparazzi photos. Imagine having someone following you around all day with a camera, taking pictures of you with no makeup on and posting it on the internet just so everyone can be all ‘OMG’ over it. Seriously, just think about that.

The point of this whole rant, I suppose, is just that while I enjoy showing gratitude in my own little way, I don’t like the labels it puts on me. It limits everything, you know? When you’re passionate about something, and would love to help out in whatever aspect, you’re still labeled as being stark nuts because of it. And it’s because of the stereotype society has put on it, because of all the ‘fanatics’ who stalk people and god knows whatever else. People automatically assume you’re one of those types.

What celebrities fail to see, is that fans are people too. Just like most fans fail to understand that about celebrities. It always works both ways. Hence, the cycle continues.

I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I’m a person trying to say thank you to another person because their job helped me out. It’s on the same level as a person coming into a bank and thanking the man that gave them their first loan to start their own business, to move forward in their life.

Television and movies don’t make people above average human beings, and television and movie watchers don’t make people below average human beings. I really hate what media has done for us. It splits our race in half.

There are some things that due to being a fan, have helped me out tremendously. I won’t deny that, but I won’t talk about it either. But for the first time in my life, someone looked at me as a person, and what I can do creatively, rather than just see me as another insane fan, and took a chance on me. I appreciate that, more than any of you know. Probably even more than the person themself knows.

I don’t know, I’ve just been kind of holding in this “fan” rant for probably a month now, been meaning to get around to doing a video on it, probably still might because I did have an amusing scene I wanted to play out, but I just needed to express it.

We lift some people up so high that the rest of the world ends up looking like ants to them. And I’m speaking generally, here. As far as I know, Beth hasn’t turned into a snob. Then again, I don’t know anything.

And no, the whole point of this rant isn’t so I can bitch about how I haven’t talked to her. If you think that, then you’ve missed the entire point. The point, plain and simple is this: I don’t like being labeled as crazy because of my gratitude, I’m a person, and it’s how I say thank you. But the larger point is, I still won’t ever tell her what Parker’s done for me, is doing for me at the moment, because it’s too important to be just passed around in conversation.

So when I do meet her at a convention, or whenever it may be, more than likely I’ll actually stay away from her. Backwards, right? But I just don’t think I ever want to have that conversation, and face to face I tend to spit things out like word vomit or something. The only time I’d ever prefer to really talk to her would be over email or something like that, and I’d rather only ever ask her to contribute or help with input on the website, if she’d like to. That’s it.

Why? Because I don’t know her, and while she portrayed an amazing character I admire and is helping me feel better about being me, it’d be nine times of awkward to tell that to someone you don’t know.

None of you probably understand me now; I know most people would tell the person. But it’s how I feel.

It’s just too damn important.

Labels: beth riesgraf, fandoms, leverage, parker

I have half a gram of meth in front of me.

In my drunken state yesterday I apparently ordered some but promptly passed out before I could smoke it. I woke up this morning, picked it up, picked up my pipe... and just stopped.

I've been clean for two weeks as of today. Two weeks. I already passed the worst part of the dope sickness, and now it's just a matter of will power.

I don't like wasting my money, not when the economy is as bad as it is. But I don't want to smoke it, either.

No, I take that back. I do want to smoke it, bad. So bad I started uploading pictures from "the 12 step job" to my Beth website but then stopped because I didn't have the focus to do it. I have to upload them and place them one by one, you see. Very hard to do when your not all tweeked out.

But then apart of me doesn't want to be a liar. I said I was going to try to stop, and should make every effort to do so.

Regardless of either point of view, it's torturing me.

Sure, I could go to work and sell it. I know plenty of people that will buy it. However I don't like to get involved in the distribution of drugs.

And in some way I feel the need to prove myself to Sarai, which to be honest I find completely ridiculous seeing as I still have no idea where the hell we stand, but then again I know we won't stand anywhere if I pick up this baggie and load my pipe.

Women just aren't supposed to effect me like this. I always do my own thing, and fuck all the bullshit in between.


I frequently do other things in the middle of blogging because of my extreme ADD. So I check my email.

SUBJECT: Dean Devlin sent you an iTunes Gift

Cue me being like, "Wait, what?" Blink. Stare. Blink some more.

Seriously, I love how blonde I've been getting ever since I dyed my hair. Its true, the bleach does sink into your skull. Here I am thinking it's just some scam or promotional email. No matter how much recognition I keep getting from the show I'm still convinced they really have no idea who the fuck I am. Probably because I find it so surreal to begin with.

"Sapphire Smoke -
Heard you missed this episode. Enjoy!
-Dean Devlin"

I love this show. I love these people. You like, don't even understand. The creators, the producers, the network... I'm gonna have thier babies. ROFL.

I wonder how he even knew I missed it. I know I bitched about it on my LJ for a minute through an update over my phone right after my desktop hit the shitter. Oh wait, I actually mentioned it on my last YT video, didn't I? Stupid jail and their stupid rules about not letting me watch my obsessions and have any kind of enjoyment.

I actually have been needing to download iTunes anyway. Was trying to update my ipod yesterday and then was like wait I need iTunes for that, don't I?

Unfortunately, it's gonna have to wait cause I need to already do a system restore because me and my dumb ass decided to try to download some program to get dial up for free so I could FTP the Leverage screencaps to my website instead of doing them one by one (since I lost my AOL dial up with my hard drive pooping out on me), and its like some kind of virus thing. Well not really, just I cant figure out how to unistall it and it keeps popping up and being in my face all obnoxious like. So fuck all that bullshit.

I guess the reason I find myself still questioning if they actually know who I am or not is because I'm a day dreamer. Bad. Like seriously seriously bad. I let my imagination run away with me, and if I actually accept that they know who I am, I'll start hoping that I can actually meet Beth one day (or even just possibly be in contact with her so I can actually expand my website into a better resource), or be able to see an episode getting filmed, or be an extra, or other impossible things like that. This is why i enjoy pessimism: you never get disappointed. lmfao.

That, and you keep getting amazed when things like this happen.

You know, before I started this post I told myself I wouldn't talk about Leverage, because I was planning in my next post to do a recap of the last two episodes (because I have things to say - like always) and also a recap of the first episode of Dollhouse. But oh well. I'll still do it, don't get me wrong, but now my brain's back to Leverage.

Laugh all you want, I know it doesn't stray from it very often so this isn't that unexpected.

I've been feeling so behind in the community lately though. Missing two weeks of Leverage fandom activities is making me feel slightly lost. So many things get updated about it every day in all the comms on LJ, that I had to go back 15 pages in my friends entries to catch up. Yet, I still feel lost.

Really, I think I just need to dive back into some fanfiction. It'll make me feel better. Like I have to time, though. Still need to upload pictures from 12 step and juror for my Beth website. Procrastinating on that due to how long an tedious it is. Really, why can't you just open up Port 21, Budget Suites, you fucking rat bastards that need to make my life harder. One thing I hate about living in an extended stay motel.

I finally got around to making the scene spam of Parker from 12 step, but I hate it. I hate that all I have is Windows Movie Maker. It squashes my creativity and makes my shit look... unprofessional. I don't like that. I have standards for myself, and for the stuff I put out there about the show. I'm an Leverage advertising queen, and it aggravates me that that video I put out is less than satisfactory.

I'm extremely anal and precise when it comes to being "the only" of something. The only YT channel dedicated to a Leverage character, the only website up for Beth Riesgraf. I am the first, I am the only, I have to be the best.

It's a thing I have. HA.

I don't have photoshop either. That makes me want to bang my head against something heavy. I cant make graphics with Paint, people.

I lost all my brushes and shit too. My fonts. Sigh. Its gonna take awhile to get this laptop updated. I also had a program I bought to rip videos from DVDs (that I actually bought and not downloaded illegally, mind you) but I cant remember for the life of me what the name of the program was. Which annoys me as well. Not that I need to rip any DVDs until the Leverage box sets come out, but still.

I really hope they do them like the Xena box sets. I love love love those box sets. Best ones ever made. And since Leverage is up there in my book next to Xena (which if you all have known me for a long time, thats saying something) I'm expecting some good shit.

And conventions. Leverage needs conventions.

Speaking of conventions, tickets to next years Xena con is already on sale. Can I afford them? No. I'm so getting annoyed at my lack of money. I hate having to rely on other people to get pictures of Hudson so I can put them on my website. Which, I have yet to get from last months either. Then again, havent been online much yet to get there yet. More pressing matters to deal with.

And yet I procrastinate doing them by writing in my blog. I gotta work tonight too. Rent and shit like that. I havent had a minute to just have a real day off where I just sit around and do nothing. I've been going and going since I got out of jail. Yesterday at work I made $200, which is pathetic. But people kept looking at my eye like I'm some battered wife.

Bitch, like I would EVER let a MAN hit me. PUH-LEASE.

I do have battered wife syndrome though. I've been so used to getting abused mentally and emotionally by women that I just laid down and took physical abuse from my best friend. I was sick all yesterday, couldn't eat. I know it was because I swallowed so much blood. I also have been having trouble breathing, which leads me to believe I inhaled some as well and that its sitting in my lungs.

Can I go to the hospital though? No. Why? Because even if I don't press charges against her, the state will. And I won't do that to her kids, man. I love her kids like they were my own family.

So here I sit, feeling like shit, beaten up, and yet do nothing about it.

I'm pathetic.

I'm also obsessed with Britney Spear's song "Circus".

rofl. How ADD was THAT moment?

Back to LEVERAGE!

I feel the need to try to analyze my obsession with Parker, because really, I can't figure out why I like her so much. When I write, things tend to subconsciously come out so I'm going to try it right now. Analyzing the character will make me realize alot of why I like her so much, or more ways I relate to her. You ready for this? I tend to get deep. lol.

I get what it's like to be looked at like your crazy when you think you said something completely appropriate in your opinion. It makes you feel like somethings wrong with you, but you can't figure out what it is and you wish to God someone would just tell you. I see that in Parker.

I've noticed I look at Parker beneath the surface. When people look at Parker like that, it's like I can see in her eyes the 'I don't get it' feeling that she has. Like I can read her thoughts. Seriously, this is why I made a fansite for Beth. I find her acting to be amazing. I can rarely feel like I can read a characters mind through just the look in their eyes, but I feel like I can with Parker. That might be partly due to me having some similarities to Parker's personality, or mental state, whichever. But it still has alot to do with Beth's quality as an actress, and it surprises me and slightly even horrifies me that she's not done alot more roles than she has. Its like people can't appreciate the talent that's in front of them. Thank god the Leverage casters did.

Parker tries so hard to fit in, and just when she thinks she is she realizes she still sticks out like a sore thumb. I actually get mad about Eliots comments about her... like in the juror #6 job, when he mentioned she shouldnt do jury duty because theres NORMAL people there. And he said it right in front of her, like he thinks shes so messed up that she doesn't have any kind of feelings. Like shes some sort of thieving robot. Like she's incapable of connecting with the human race when clearly she has some sort of connection to all of them because she's still around and they still want her around.

Its one of the reasons I prefer to ship her with Sophie. While theres not much room for subtext between the two of them thus far in the episodes (which makes me go grr cause they so gave the Eliot/Hardison shippers something in 12 step), Sophie has started to take Parker under her wing almost (at least, when shes not busy bitching/being all over Nate). Shes encouraging to Parker, and it's like she can tell how important it is to Parker that she can interact with people, even though Parker pretends like she couldn't care less.

But we all know everyone cares. Parker included. I've come to realize the secret of life isn't what you do, how much money you make, or how happy you are. The secret to life is interacting with people, because everyone that comes into your life plays some role - whether large or small - to shape who you ultimately become. Everyone that comes into our lives impacts in one way or another, and we grow as human beings. When you don't communicate with other people, you might as well be dead, because you no longer grow. We all learn from our experiences with other people in this life, more so than the ones on your own. Most people don't even stop and think and realize how much interacting with others is an important part of living.

Parker hates who she is. Maybe not hate, thats a little strong, but dislikes a large part of herself. But shes like most people, she puts on a shell of "I don't care what you think" and prays that it doesn't crack when she's around someone else. Crying in front of Hardison in the stork job didn't make her happy, you could see it on her face. You could tell by how she tried to calm herself down quickly and wiped her tears away, rapidly rebuilding her walls so she didn't have feel reality anymore. She even seemed slightly mad at herself for allowing herself to break down like that in front of him. Feelings are what Parker suppresses most of all. I did that for years. I protected myself from my own feelings and hid everything inside myself until finally I broke and went crazy. But during that time I actually acted a lot like Parker did. Slightly detached from reality.

Parker is terrified of her own feelings. She doesn't want to recognize that she does, wether she likes it or not, have major issues. Probably due to being abused. Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually. People foolishly think some of those are worse than others. They all do the same amount of damage, just in different ways. So no, it doesn't matter to be how she was abused. I'm just pretty damn sure that she was in some way or another during her childhood.

I'm planning on writing a fanfiction centered around the anti-depressants the rehab made her take in 12 step. Only because I see so much of myself in Parker, I'm sure that when she got off of them she hated what they did to her. Yeah they make you happier, but they change who you are. They change everything that makes you YOU. Its like feeling that people drug you because the way you were made just isn't goo enough for the real world, so they try to change who you are. Its a horrible feeling to feel like who you are isn't good enough for anyone, and that you have to be someone else to be liked by anyone at all.

That's why I don't take my medication anymore. Sure I "self medicate" with drugs, but not to change who I am, but to stimulate the qualities and abilities I dont have access too when I'm not on them. Like the ability to patiently be able to upload over 200 screen caps one by one. Productivity, basically.

Parker steals to compensate for the things out of her reach. She cant have mental stability, and I find it doubful that she's had any type of realationship in her life other than one based on sex. She can't connect, so she takes what she can get from other people to make up for the things she can't take, have, or get. Or at least, thats my opinion at least. My whole analyzation is actually my opinion, and can't ever be sure unless it plays a role in canon. One thing about TV shows, speculation will always be there. You can ever write an entire person, if you understand what I mean. People are just too complex.

Her ability as a thief is one thing she can be proud of about herself. It's a skill that's meaningful to her, because as a regular human being she has so few. She has to be the best at something, excel outstandingly in one area, to make her feel like shes worth something.

I really could go on forever about Parker and keep bringing up new points and make an entire deduction just based on a simple hand motion she gives, but I won't do that to you all. You have no idea how much I enjoy analyzation, and how deep I can really go. So I'll stop, for now.

Mainly because I just realized its 5:30 and I need to start getting ready for work. Lord, I've been writing forever.

Labels: dean devlin, drugs, leverage, meth, parker

I tried an experiment yesterday.

The thing is, I really don't EVER want to upload hundreds or thousands of fucking pictures one by one. That just sucks. Very much so.

Though, after I uploaded all the award shows/premiers photos, leverage promotional photos, and leverage behind the scenes photos of Beth I was like wait a minute.

The entire reason I can't bulk upload files is due to them blocking the port on their wireless modem, right? Well, dial up doesn't use that.

Yeah, I shuddered at those words too. Dial up...

However, I was correct in thinking my FTP would work with dial up. It's painfully PAINFULLY much slower than I'm used to my FTPs working, but it's less time consuming then uploading them one by one. I've uploaded most all of them except the last two episodes that aired. I'm uploading The Wedding Job right now before I do The Stork Job, because even though it came after it, The Stork Job has close to 400 screencaps of Beth cause it's a very Parker-centric episode, so I'm going to upload those while I sleep cause it's gonna take a couple hours. What I did with The Nigerian Job last night.

Steve (my friend/customer/minion) is going to buy the domain name for me, because apparently no one can get off their dope fucked asses to drive me to cash my stupid check, let alone have me put the money on a freaking prepaid credit card. Two days of "oh yeah we'll be over" and then just NOT.

I'm slightly convinced the people of Leverage and TNT probably think I'm so wacked out stalker Beth fan, which while is highly annoying because I'm not, there's nothing I can do about that. If ya'll haven't noticed, I tend to have a thing for under appreciated talented actresses. Like Hudson for example. Hudson's still my favorite actress by far, but do I stalk her? No. Why? Probably because half the time I'm not even sure if I want to be in the same vicinity as her because I tend to get lectured about something everytime I am lol. She's like a fusion between my mother and my sister, the way she lectures me. It sounds odd, but you wouldn't get it unless you knew my mother and sister lol. I still love Hudson though, don't get me wrong, the woman has taught me more in this life than most other people I've come across.

But I concider her an "unappreciated talented actress" because 98% of the time when I say "Hudson Leick" people are like "Who?" and then I gotta say "Callisto from Xena" and then get a "duhh" kind of look from them to which I have to explain, "The blonde psychotic bitch that always wanted to kill Xena and had rocks fall on her head all the time." The people are like "OHHHH!!"

And Beth is more under appreciated than Hudson is. My website is going to be the ONLY fansite out there for her once it's launched. THE ONLY FREAKING ONE.

Granted, to be fair, this is her first big role.

On a side note, I'm half convinced her first role was actually a artistic hardcore porn film, and it's driving me insane because I can't figure it out. Not that my reason (or my main reason anyway - I am only human after all) is to watch it just cause she's all naked and possibly doing icky het things in it, but because on the header in the welcome message on every page it says that was her first role, which while it WAS, I just don't much want to advertise her porn on there as her first role, even if it is artistically done or whatever. I really did think it was just a movie until I read someones comment on the film, and now I'm not so sure.

But oh well, until I find out that it is in fact porn, it's staying up there. The website is going to be launched in a day or two, hopefully. It depends on how long it takes for the domain name to take effect after Steve buys it, I can't remember.

Now, on to something about Leverage that slightly intrigues me, are you ready for this? This will blow your mind if you know anything about me and my fandoms.

In every fandom that I have, I usually like one or two couples, always femslash. BTVS... Buffy/Faith. X:WP... Xena/Gabrielle, Eve/Varia. Bones.... Brennan/Angela. You get the idea. Mainly, that's the only fanfiction I write/read/give half a fuck about. Everything else gets passed by without a second glance.

Leverage is very different. Not exactly sure why either lol.

I read solo Parker fanfics(which doesn't mean masturbation you dirty minded people lol)/general fanfics.
I read/write Parker/Sophie.
I read/will be writing soon Parker/Eliot - cause they are the prettiest het couple ever lol.
I read Parker/Hardison.
I read Hardison/Eliot.

And the het and slash fics.. I'll read the NC-17. It's slightly hard to get through during those parts, but I'll effing read it.

While my first try at writing het sex occurred in a very short scene in "Path of Forgiveness", I'll probably be trying my hand at Parker/Eliot. First I wanna write a PG-13 one, just to kind of get the hang of trying to picture het in my head while I write, but I think they're gonna break my het sex cherry fully.

I don't think I'll ever write boyslash. I can't relate to any of that lmao.

But it kind of nice, to actually enjoy the ENTIRE fandom, instead of just bits which I usually do.

This fucking show better be on the air for a very long time. NOW! Onto comments....

v1cious said...
lol was the food free?

also, i noticed your recent entry was on Friday. does that mean you haven't been using at all, or just as of yesterday. either way, it's good that you're making progress. have you considered a daytime activity, like maybe a second job part-time college classes? that would keep you active.

I wish, but no lol.

At the time, it meant that I wasn't using at all. My days are a little screwy, and right now even though it's 3:16am on Tuesday, I still consider it Monday because I haven't slept yet. My days start later than everyone elses haha.

I did, however use yesterday. I didn't buy, and no one came over and gave me any, but you'd be surprised how much fucking dope was stuck in all three of my pipes. It got me decently high, and I was able to finally stop procrastinating about the gallery. I needed to do that, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to do unless I was high cause it sucks configuring that thing and I get frustrated easily, especially because I was trying to incorporate something new into it, which I guess ya'll will see when I launch the website.

As for me getting active... why would I want to do that? I'm sure in the spring/summer when I get manic I'll be doing all sorts of stuff, but I'm in the depression part where no, I don't get sad, I just don't ever want to leave my house and do, well, anything. Like work. I have to drag my ass to work just to get there one or two days a week. When I get manic I'll be going four or five times a week. It's just a thing that happens every year. Also during that time I probably won't be writing much either.

And I don't do college, nor probably ever will. I find it stupid to spend ridiculous amounts of money on learning stuff I can just teach myself/have taught myself already.

kelly said...
funny how the world works in your favor sometimes.

I'm slightly confused by this. The world works in my favor because I got my name written on my food box? lol.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dial up, dope, fanfiction, leverage, parker, website design

Cause really, of course my camera would die in the middle of my stupid presentation on Parker's questionable sanity. OF FUCKING COURSE.

I procrastinate forever about actually putting together this video, and when I finally get around to it, it dies on me.

Thank you, you piece of shit I'd love to throw in the trash but can't because I don't have a replacement for yet.

Not that it matter's much, I still have to wait until someone posts the video for this weeks episode so I can download it, because I need one of those clips in my presentation to back up one of my statements.

Still. Grr.

Though, in other completely random news, in my procrastination period I ended up making pretties:

( Click To Full Size )







Regardless, I want to get this done. Damnit.

Also, someone commented to my last post and thought I was going to be working for TNT. That would be false. I will not and probably never get paid by them or the people that make Leverage. They are just trying to reach out to the fanbase and give a little extras so I pretty much can continue promoting them at no charge to them.

However, if I end up getting in contact with Beth and she accepts my offer to build her a website, then I would be working for her.

Though once again, not the show nor the broadcasting network.

I'm just possibly getting some extra shit because I'm a crazy fanatic, that's all.

Speaking of Leverage though, this week's episode was funny as fuck. Seriously. Parker telling the bridesmaid she looked fat, and her pretending to be drunk and looking for Hardison to have sex with... just too funny. Also, Eliot bitching about how he cant look for the money or basically do anything else (except ending up beating the shit out of "the butcher") because he needs to cook for 200 people. LMAO.

Sigh, maybe it's got enough charge to finish the video now, as long as I don't keep fucking up and having to redo my own sentences because apparently I can think something but it usually never comes out of my mouth correctly.

Labels: camera, leverage, parker, photography, youtube

I did mention earlier I'd end up being labeled as "the crazy Parker fanatic" eventually right? Well, even though I'm not called THAT -- my obsession with Parker ended up getting me noticed by the show.

Yeah, seriously. I couldn't believe it either.

My sleeps been so fucked up recently I woke up at 9:30 tonight and wasn't sure if it was 9am or 9pm... lol. That's bad. Considering I need to get my ass to work on Wednesday. Really I should work tomorrow, but that would mean I miss Leverage and um, no.

So I wake up, half asleep and stumble my ass to the computer to see how many comments I got on all my Parker ships wallpapers. I made a wallpaper for Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, Parker/Sophie and Parker/Nate (which I don't understand THAT pairing, but I know some people like it so I did it anyway).

Well, I have like fifteen comments (I'm good, what can I say? haha), and I check all of those. Then I see I have a new email.

I had to read the first line over like, I kid you not, about three times. I was like "wait a minute, I must still be really fucking sleepy cause I think that just said that this was from someone who works on/is affiliated with Leverage"

Read it over a couple times, I wasn't wrong, it really said that.

I didn't think in a million years I'd actually get contacted by the show. I won't say specifically who it was per his request, but I'm really flattered, like, insanely so.

Well, I guess they really like the channel I set up for Parker and is going to forward the link to Beth (Riesgraf) so she can check it out herself. I also got offered to be helped out with my channel, and be given "supplemental materials for it". Seriously, people.

I'm excited, shit like this never happens to me. If I actually am able to get in contact with Beth and extend my offer to build her an official website, and if she accepts, do you even UNDERSTAND how much exposure that is for me alone?

So, I'm a happy fucking bitch right now.

Finally, my crazy obsessions actually amount to something. lmao!

Labels: beth riesgraf, leverage, obsessions, parker, website design, youtube

Does anyone remember the video I made on YouTube awhile back called "I Want My Obsessions Back"?

Well, obviously I have them back. I know most people think I'm certifiably insane, getting caught up in fictional worlds, characters, or stories. What people don't seem to understand is that I am the most happiest when I am. When I don't have to focus on how much bullshit there is in life, or how while I'm managing to finally support myself in only the matter of working one day a week because I have a problem with trying to live past my means, then I'm perfectly happy.

On a side note, it also tends to be my anti-drug. Imagine that.

I have had absolutely no urges to do meth in almost the last week. I've been so caught up in being a Parker-obsessed weirdo, thus labeling me as the Crazy Parker Fanatic (not that anyone has said that, but I'm sure it's coming), that I don't want to smoke. At all.

And it's interesting really. I used to say I smoked because it got me more focused, and I could finish more tasks that way, and while it's true and maybe it would help me be even more of a crazy Leverage person, I just don't want to.

Partly, because while I can make icons/wallpapers/fan videos while I'm high, I can't focus enough to write fanfiction. I wrote a chapter of my Bellatrix one once while high, and when I was sober ended up reading it and throwing it out because it was such epic crap. When I write I'm very big on incooperating and describing a character's manerisms, quirks, facial expressions... all the little things that most people leave unnoticed. I have to fully be in the characters mind and play out the scene in my head a couple times before I can correctly and acuratly descibe what I saw in my head, because I want other people to see it too.

On the downside, however, my obsessions make me not want to do anything else but. Work? Pfft, only to get my rent and food money (cigarettes too, but that goes without saying). I only worked Friday last week. This week, I only worked Friday too. Made $500 and burned the fuck out.

I had an urge to start a Leverage blog, but I won't. I need to stop overloading myself with a bunch of projects, I tend to hang myself that way. I have the YouTube channel, which I'm doing fabulously on by the way, already ten video's up. Seven episode videos (theres only been six episodes aired, but "The Stork Job" had to be split into two parts for obvious reasons if you've seen it), two fan videos, and an introduction video by me for the channel. I'm also still in the middle of a Parker/Sophie fanfic, and as of right now have writer's block which is kicking my ass. Do you guys remember the story arc thing they used to teach you in school?

__/\__

That thing, lol. But yeah, got up to the peak, and now I'm stuck. Fail.

I should probably take a nap and fix my sleep schedule. Yesterday I got home from work, passed the fuck out drunk as hell, but then woke up three hours later and couldn't get back to sleep until 3:30pm. Hence the no working. I swear I really was planning to go... >.>

Oh, fantastic idea hitting me!

When the season is over, I'm planning on making Parker ship videos for every character (to satisfy everyone's pairings) and I think for the Parker/Eliot I want "Poker Face" cause it takes about gambling and Texas (where Eliot is from). Hm, I must make a note of that somewhere. I'm not much looking forward to the Parker/Nate video, I think that would just be icky, and don't understand the pairing at all. I can see Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, and Parker/Sophie easily, but Parker and NATE? Really? Seriously? Come on now. But whatever.

Moving along now... until next time.

Labels: drugs, eliot, fan videos, fanfiction, hardison, lady gaga, leverage, nate, obsessions, parker, poker face, sophie, youtube

So excuse me while I "omg, wtf, flashback" for like, a half a second.

So you all know my obsession with the new series Leverage. So, it should be no surprise that I was randomly looking up the other actors works on YouTube.

Well, I get to Gina Bellman, and it says, "Coupling Lesbian Scene" so of course I'm like, ohh... hot.

I click on it and what do I get?

THE FREAKING BRITISH TV SERIES EPISODE I RANDOMLY STUMBLED UPON A COUPLE MONTHS AGO ON HBO AND DECIDED I LOVED IT BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING SCENE.

I was like omg, I love British television. And it pissed me off for awhile cause I couldn't even remember the name of the show.

Come to find out, that was actually GINA! It was Gina that was making out with another woman. That's so fucking GREAT you have no idea xD

In other news, my Parker obsession has reached an entirely new level:


TwentyPoundsOfCrazy - A YouTube Channel completely dedicated to Parker from Leverage

Fear it, I'm fucking insane. I swear to god.

( Also I ask if you do subscribe to it that you do not in anyway talk about my personal life on there, thats what my dropvids account is for, and I do not wish to be kicked off there again. Thanks )

Labels: british television, coupling, gina bellman, lesbian, leverage, obsessions, parker, youtube

So, excuse me while I become uberly obsessed with Leverage since like... it's series premiere.

It's odd, the ONLY other show I have every watched obsessively since the series premiere is The Closer [ also a TNT creation - and coming back in a couple weeks! SQUEE! Brenda FTW ] However, I didn't get this bad.

And yes, I'm sure those of you who know my ridiculous television obsessions are all like "Wtf, what about Xena?" Which reminds me I need to update my Hudson website because apparently she's holding a two hour yoga class at this years convention. I'm not fussed by any means that I'll miss it, I'd rather go to her retreats.

Which also reminds me of a dream I had last night, where Julie talked about how I needed to find the blue leprechaun to get into the special retreat, and Hudson yelled at me because I gave her $7 instead of $10 (for what you ask? Who knows lol) and then proceeded to tell me that she knows the only reason I go to retreats was because I'm her fan, which made me tell her that no, I go to her retreats because she beats me over the head with brutal honesty and makes me question my entire existence in the matter of thirty minutes.

Because you know, THAT'S always fun.

GAH! Off topic. I just woke up, you'll have to excuse me being completely all over the place.

ANYWAY. The thing with Xena, Buffy, Angel, and Bones is that... I didn't start watching them when they first aired. Xena and Buffy were completely off the air, Angel was in it's last season, and Bones I believe was in the middle of the third, however I was watching them all on TNT to catch up at the time.

And why it's different than The Closer is, while I fucking love The Closer like no other, I never got into the actual fandom of it. Probably because who the hell am I supposed to pair Brenda with for some steamy femslash? Daniels? Come ON now. Though, Daniel's is a hot ass bitch, but I just can't see them together. And I dont' do het. So the whole Fritz and her thing, which nice on television, doesn't spark any creative streak in me.

Now let's talk about LEVERAGE...

Okay so, no surprise here, but Parker's my favorite character. You all know how I get all weak at the knees with the crazy bitches, haha.

And hi, Sophie. British accent. HELLO!

Enter Mary writing so much lovely Parker/Sophie fanfiction it's ridiculous. I just started this story yesterday... and am already up to chapter six and over 10K words. And keep in mind that this is AFTER I already wrote a 4K word NC-17 short about the two of them. I'm on a fucking roll, people.

A FUCKING ROLL.

But just... look at this people. Look at this!

The cuteness is undeniable. And I just wanna eat Parker Beth up! Look at her! GAH!

Anyway, so here I am, making lovely little icons all day long, writing fanfiction, obsessivly talking about the show with other fans, every damn day, not being able to wait until Tuesdays until the show airs.

I refuse to work on Tuesdays now, by the way. And it'll be Monday too when The Closer starts airing again.

Ah! I love you TNT!

And my GOD... this show's fandom is already HUGE! I've never seen a show get this huge this fast... ever.

-insert excited squeal cause that means it won't get pulled off the air anytime soon-

So... I'm uber excited about tonight's episode, because apparently it's time to find out more about Parker!

And for the love of GOD, I just want to know what Parker's first name is! Everyone else gets a full name, why not her? -.- Come on now people. Curiousity WILL kill me. Seriously.

Anyway, yay for like a first blog that doesn't include stripping or drugs. Obsessions FTW!

EDIT: Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't just spend eight hours on a Parker-oriented fan video, and just pretend this link is something far less geeky.

CLICKY CLICKY

And we'll also pretend that its not almost one in the afternoon now, and approximately six hours past my bedtime. I'm starting to get a serious headache from lack of sleep and staring at this fucking computer. But tonights episode ended up being so good, I had to go download it right away and make a video out of it.

I'm retarded I know, but let's not spread that around.

Labels: fanfiction, femslash, leverage, obsessions, parker, sophie

My life really is like waking up to the same boring day over and over again.

Even when I switch it up, and actually get my lazy ass into work, it’s still the same shit every day. I drink too much, I bond with at least one nerd, I get asked to go home with someone at least twice, I’ll get shown an obscene body part on a cell phone, and I’ll be asked how much I charge for sex. It’s the same shit, over and over and over again.

I’m really sick of it.

Mainly, I’m sick of acting like I actually give a shit about any of these people who are giving me money. Because I don’t. I don’t know them, so why should I pretend like I do?

I’ve gotten bored with sexual manipulation. It’s too easy.

I used to do this because I found people interesting. And while yes, I have met some interesting people in this line of work; I’ve come to the conclusion that unfortunately, most people are the same. Nothing surprises me anymore, or maybe just because I’ve heard it all.

I’m also sick of showing my cunt to everyone willing to look. Which, lets face it, is a startling amount of people.

Moving on, though.

As for the whole Scientology thing, and everyone via here and Twitter and wherever else who are asking me if I still consider it a religion, the answer is yes. It is classified as such, and everyone has a right to believe what they want to believe. Frankly, you could dress up a goat in a damn skirt and call it your divine being, and I really couldn’t give a shit.

We all are instilled with free will, and everyone has the right to exercise that.

On a random note: Parker’s sexuality is in my hands. Don’t ask. It just makes me laugh, and quite possible be a bit ‘grr’ cause that’s just a sad reward/punishment system. Or should I say, it’s sad that I take it as such. Maybe.

But it worked. Damnit.

And I’m also really lonely. I came to that startling conclusion during my bipolar hung over spaz I had on Thursday. I also came to the conclusion that I dive into Leverage, and my Beth website, and whatever else… fanfiction and crap, due to that. To make me seem less lonely.

How ridiculous.

It’s also fucking pouring today, and normally that means I wouldn’t go to work, but I need to make rent. Jeez. Ruin my happy moment. I love being home when it’s raining. Listening to it.

But whatever.

Labels: leverage, parker, stripping, work sucks

So me and Kimber started to have a very healthy yet passionate debate over Parker and Sophie and thier character arcs and stuff in the Leverage chat tonight (with Maggie, Tina, and Yu as witnesses to this whole ordeal) Unfortunately it ended up morphing into being just about Parker.

For those of you that have been reading this blog for awhile now, I have gone a little into why I love the character so much. I admire the hell out of her, and admire Beth Riesgraf for playing a character like that, to the point where it's just... really personal. There are so many things about Parker that I see in myself, except I see that Parker got it right. Parker's stronger. Parker's better. And it's just... Okay, I'll get to that afterwards.

I'm gonna post the debate, because honestly it is really interesting, and I think other's might find it interesting... until I flip out entirely at the end. Which I will explain. Fuck it. I... just don't care anymore. And really, I need to justify WHY I totally went insane in the chat. Rather not have people think I'm crazy for no reason.

Me: (talking about writing a Parker/Sophie physical fight just for the hell of it) But I don't know what the fuck would make them fight like that, and the fact that Sophie couldn't take Parker in a million years? Yeah…

Kimber: I think she could. Well....maybe not take her...but she could be a match for a LITTLE while....

Me: No she couldn't lmao. Don't kid yourself. Parker's TRAINED. Sophie? No. Ahaha

Kimber: She had to have gotten into fights before....and just when her strength starts to wane, is when Parker makes her move.

Me: While I can imagine her being STRONGER than Parker, Parker is way more skilled.

Kimber: Parker wasn't trained until ELIOT... and now they're all... how did Rogers put that?..."cross-training".... Sophie might actually be better... who knows? I just think Sophie COULD be good, IF/WHEN need be. Hand-to-hand combat is just more of a last resort for Sophie. Or in your story you could mention "Eliot's been training me, too" or something.

Maggie: Well she has been taking care of herself for a long time

Kimber: Like "When did you get so good?".... "Eliot's been training me, too".... That still wouldn’t explain WHY they're fighting, though. LMAO

Me: Parker was trained before Eliot! THE STORK JOB HELLO. Eliot didn't start training her until season 2

Kimber: I don't think that was "training" so much as "fight or flight"...the kid peeking through gave her the added "boost"... the adrenaline kicked in... she HAD to take him down to help the kids escape.

Tina: Sophie in a black sports bra type shirt with the black leggings sparring with Eliot.......... *comes back to reality* Sorry tangent thought

Kimber: I think, before Eliot, it was more....Parker could defend herself, yes....but *actual* training...no. Some people are naturally good at some things.

Me: Uh, did you not see her technique? Not many people who fight just to not be killed can do cartwheel kicky things and jumping up to hold oton a bar and yada yada… I mean most people just... don't do that.

Kimber: Parker's different, though.

Me: GAH. –headdesk- JUST LET ME BE RIGHT.

Kimber: LOL. Nope! hehe

Me: PARKER IS LIKE MY DAMN LIFE. LET ME TAKE THE WIN. DAMNIT

Kimber: I'll stick to Sophie.

Tina: "Think about when you’re father died"

Kimber: ROTFLMAO

Me: That line still doesn't make sense

Kimber: Why not? *confused* They've never specifically said how old she was when she was put in the system.

Me: Because either A) she was guessing and that’s just a weird ass thing to guess (possibly even rude) or B) Parker told her this, when Parker never showed any signs of being remotely close to Sophie, especially not where it was SUPPOSED to be placed, as the fourth episode. No way Parker would let a complete stranger know her past

Kimber: Sophie reads people for a living.

Me: You can't just read that someone’s father died.

Kimber: It's probably the "back plot" the audience will never get to see.

Me: Sophie reading people doesn't make her a mind reader.

Kimber: It's not mind reading.... but... wait... *tries to remember order now*... GAH! Aired eps or DVD eps?

Me: DVD eps

Kimber: Damn, I forget both....LOL

Me: Its supposed to be 1.04 and aired its 1.09

Kimber: Yeah, but The Wedding Job was before that.

Me: Yes, so? They didn't have any bonding scenes in that ep or any eps before that. That would make it seem like Parker would trust Sophie with that information. And no, I do not buy that she "read" it from her.

Kimber: Maybe she read something at the table.... her friend's little girl.... Parker was close to her... and it was the little girl's dad in jail... maybe Sophie saw something in Parker's eyes/body language and DID guess... just turned out her guess was correct. "Educated guess"....

Me: Beth plays Parker very well when it comes to body language and mannerisms. She also has worked out Parker's backstory on her own and plays it into how Parker’ reacts to things, so if there was something about it, Beth would have played into it physically.

Kimber: We just saw the little girl go to her mom when she said "Daddy's coming home"... We never saw any of the team. A slight hint of....longing? loathing?... something... in Parker's eyes as that scene played out that we (as an audience) didn't see.

Me: Yeah huh, the girl was on Parker's lap and they smiled and clapped. Besides, Parker has total daddy issues.

Kimber: Though I do think she killed him. LOL. Probably blew up their house, too. Hence how she knew how to do it at the foster home.

Me: But I doubt she's killed anyone or then that many people... While Parker is fucked off to hell, she's not a murderer, but she would kill in a kill or be killed situation.

Kimber: She DIDN'T kill the foster, though.

Me: But if you think she killed her father, what was to stop her from killing anyone else like her foster? Once you kill, its like a drug. Or so people say >.>

Kimber: Ugh...there was one interview where Rogers claimed the foster family wasn't home when she blew up their house.... So....ONLY killing her dad wouldn't be that many people.... just one.... and maybe a few along the way as she grew up, yeah... if she had to....

Me: No I know, and it was on his blog.

Maggie: And on the commentary

Me: No, what I'm SAYING is that if she killed him, why would she not kill her abusive foster father too? Two murders is just as good as one

Kimber: Hmm...I wouldn't know...I've never technically killed anyone. So I can't say if it's like a drug or not. LOL

Me: I’m into reading into a lot of psychological profiles on serial killers and shit... and even people that just kill once, but really when you kill its like you think your God. And you'll do it again, with less hesitation the next time. My point? Parker is not a murderer. Not that I'm saying she isn't capable, she IS.

Kimber: TOTALLY! Though...now I wonder how she'd feel.... Would it affect her? If she did/has...or maybe that's some of what did effect her? IF she did kill her dad… ARGH!!! They so need to do more flashbacks!!! LMAO

Me: She'd retreat more into herself. Her psychological issues point more towards sexual abuse than being a murderer.

Kimber: Sexual AND physical. The defense mechanism...since she can fight.

Me: Well yes, physical tends to go with sexual, rape isn't non-violent.

Kimber: Well, if the person isn't struggling... With the "let 'em do it and he'll leave you alone" mentality...

Me: Parker's a fighter. She would never lay down and take it. No, she's not that fucked off.

Kimber: Also depend on how young she was, too.

Me: Everyone has the mentality to fight, it's instinct when you become so violated And yes, after time and time again it can break a persons mentality and they just SIT THERE AND LET PEOPLE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LET THEM TOUCH THEM AND LET THEM TAKE WHATEVER THE FUCK TEHY WANT AND DO WHAT THEY’RE TOLD AND... FUbdskjf DAMNIT! I'm FUCKING DONE! FUCK THIS CONVERSTAION! Djlshf

Kimber: If she was an infant when it started....NOT in the foster system yet....she could have grown up thinking that was normal.

Me: JUST STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS *is trying to calm down and stop crying*

Kimber: Huh?

Me: You don't understand! Parker wouldn't... she just wouldn't TAKE THAT SHIT LIKE I DID. She's BETTER than that!

Me: Fuck, nevermind! This has gotten entirely too personal.

And that's where that ended... and I just left. I was crying and having a slight panic attack. I totally didn't want to go there. EVER. I just... I wasn't expecting that to happen and I couldn't handle it. I can't handle someone telling me Parker might not have been strong, that she might have just taken it. I CAN'T believe that, I just can't.

Parker is better than that. She's so much STRONGER than that. And yeah she's fucked off all to hell and back, but she's OKAY. She's found something she loves and she's doing and it and she does it well, she doesn't let her fucked off past effect her like I do.

I just.. it's so stupid, but I look up to that character SO MUCH for that. For me to believe that she was exactly like me? I just CAN'T. Because then what? Then who the fuck am I? Why can't I just get past all the bullshit. I have to believe she's so much stronger than I am.

And I know none of this has ever been confirmed officially. But I see it in Parker, the way she acts and stuff. I've gone into that more in other entries so I won't now but... I'm convinced she was sexually abused as a child. But one thing I love about Leverage is that they DON'T ever tell you. As fucked up as it is, Parker being abused sexually means so much to me, and maybe someone else might have a different take on her past that means just as much, you know? But this... this is so personal and I just can't... fuck. You know what I mean.

My two favorite characters Beth has ever played? Parker and Kelly/Sue in that "Without A Trace" episodes. Why? Sexual abuse. In WAT... drugs too. That was the second thing I saw of hers after Leverage... and I was like man, I adore this woman. She portrays the emotions tied to that SO WELL its INSANE. And with Parker and Kelly/Sue it was like different sides of the spectrum. Parker's strong... Kelly/Sue isn't (she changed her name, so I'm unsure of what to call her. We'll call her Sue since thats her real name). And okay, Sue was strong in her own right. She refused to have her own daughter go through what she did and ran, which was the only thing she knew how to do. Parker fights, Sue runs. But they're both legitimate responses.

I'm just... I don't know. I have a headache now. I just have to believe Parker is strong. I have to. Parker is one of the few characters on television that have made me hopeful for my own turnout. Without that? Fuck it. I mean... really. Just fuck it.

The end.

Labels: abuse, beth riesgraf, debate, leverage, parker, rape

When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. The main part of it anyway was how intensely lame it is that I admire Parker, seeing as she’s fictional, but I got very in depth with that. I think I’m going to keep it because let’s face it, most people think I’m fucking insane because they don’t understand why, so let’s try again and just focus on some main points so people might actually get it, shall we?

I had many men/boys take advantage of me when I was younger. I won’t go into it more than that in this revised entry, but it completely screwed with my sexuality, and I don’t just mean being a lesbian, because my sexuality is screwed way beyond that, and ties into all my whoring and… just everything. But that’s not the point, that’s the background.

People wonder why I love abused characters, or characters that show qualities of abuse. Faith from Buffy… she got beat by her mother. That is canon, look it up.

And Parker, well I’m CONVINCED she got abused (I’m leaning very much towards sexual abuse TBH), and it’s sad because I wrote this whole thing about her and the only reason I recognize signs like that is because the same shit happened to me. Some people think I’m like intensely insightful on the character. HA! No, I’ve just lived part of that character’s life, I see myself in her more than I should.

She has a strong blatant regard to her own sexuality, so did I for a long time, before I got taught what it was doing to people and how I could use it to my own benefit. I used to never get that people looked at me that way, and just changing in front of others was another part of life. Being naked is so natural and being looked at like that is so natural (and being touched is natural – if you want to go that far) that you don’t understand anything different about it. Parker has no fucking clue what her changing in front of Hardison does for him (and while it’s usually awkward with Hardison, its cause hello, he fucking likes her). And while it’s obvious for us, it just doesn’t click for her. She never learned it was inappropriate.

And her social problems… huge factor in most cases of abuse. Most abused children don’t ever learn how to communicate properly as adults. Take me, for example. I’m okay, but there’s just times where it’s so hard to get people to understand how I think. And it reminds me of something Gina said in an interview in regards to playing Jane: the trick of acting insane is to think your sane, because all insane people do, right? Which then leads me to believe I might really be insane, because no one else understands my train of thought and yet I think it’s crystal fucking clear.

But the catch? I LOVE Parker for it, for being abused. Why? Because if she did and she came out that STRONG and that fucking BRILLIANT then why can’t I? Yeah maybe she’s a thief, and maybe it’s wicked stupid to look up to a fictional character, but I do. She might have a job that’s morally wrong, but she’s THE BEST at it. She took what was wrong with her life and used it to her advantage, and I admire the FUCK out of that.

People think Parker’s so screwed up, but I think she fixed herself so well it’s unbelievable. People think she’s crazy because she sees more truth in things than other people. She’s like a child in that aspect almost, seeing things in black and white. It either is or it isn’t. Complications only arise when people lie, ever notice that? Why I don’t do it very often. I’m one of those people that would rather hurt you now to help you rather than leave you blissfully unaware. To me that’s worse.

Did any of you notice WHEN I started the TwentyPoundOfCrazy channel? It was after The Stork Job, and there’s a reason for that. While I saw signs in Parker, I never really thought anything bad happened to her before that. I just thought she had a social disorder, was a bit off, but that was it. Why? Because she’s usually so damn HAPPY and nonchalant about everything, so how could she have had a horrible past and turn out that way? And then The Stork Job came along… and it made me realize how truly broken she is because of her experiences.

“[…] They’re going to turn out like me…”

I’m sorry, but because she broke a bit it made me love her so much more. It made me admire her a hell of a lot more. Underneath it all she still carries a lot of self hate, but she’s so damn productive, so damn focused, so damn determined to be okay that it makes me wish I could be like that. She tries SO HARD, and succeeds so fucking well (in most everything – socially she’s still behind) that I just… I want to be like that so much.

And yeah, she’s got her issues. Her interaction with the human race is permanently tainted due to everything, but that flaw doesn’t even matter in the big picture. It really, really doesn’t.

I want to be a bit off, if in the larger picture I’m still okay. And I’m just… not right now.

But you know, I’m one of those people that when I meet “celebrities” (and I do use that term loosely due to not feeling the whole ‘OMG IT’S SO AND SO!’ anymore due to Hudson being my yoga teacher, otherwise I’m sure I still would) I will never EVER tell them what their music/acting has done for me, how it’s helped me. Music wise: Christina Aguilera was significant for me from 13-16. Evanescence from 16-18. Celine Dion practically my whole life. Tell me that’s lame, and I’ll kick you in the scrotum. I love her, I do.

Faith, she helped me out a lot. Too bad I turned the name into something I despise due to my stripping activities that I won’t go into right now. You all still only know the half of it. I’m slightly a hypocrite.

I used to think Callisto helped me out so much, but in truth it was Hudson as a person that helped me out more than words can describe. Amazing woman, and I’m not just saying that. She’s someone I look up to so much, her ENERGY, her LOVE… you can just feel it. Not only that, she’ll bluntly tell me I’m being a fuck up when I am. I kind of need that.

Point? Would I EVER tell Beth how much I admire her portrayal of Parker? No. Why? Because it just seems like something everyone says, you know? “Oh you helped me so much when you played such an such or sang whatever song,” it’s really just a stupid fan thing. And to really mean it, I’d have to explain it, probably cry during it, and I just don’t cry in front of people, or at least I try not to. I don’t know Beth at all, therefore wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d feel like an idiot, but that’s mostly because I view crying as a weakness.

Plus, I’m positive she thinks I’m insane. I’m obviously one of her biggest fans (her portrayal of a drug addict/sexually abused child in Without A Trace was so fucking amazing it hurt). I mean I run her fan site, I made that YouTube channel for Parker, and while I have tried COUNTLESS times to try and contact her in regards to the website because it does need a lot of help and it would be nice if she would be involved – she hasn’t contacted me. And come on, everyone on that show knows my contact info, and if they don’t, they know where to get it or who to get it from. I’m not stupid.

But I get it, which is what aggravates me the worst. I was actually going to make a video about this on RuiningYourSelfImage… just talking about how much I HATE being a fan. I hate the way it makes people look at you. I’m not fucking insane, and it pisses me off that people think that. But if something or someone touches me in that way then yes, I will try to show my gratitude.

And I’m sorry, but it’s the only way I know how. I mean do any of you even KNOW the amount of work that was involved to get that website up and running? She had barely any info about her on the internet AT ALL. I had to gather bits and pieces from everywhere, go on MASSIVE picture hunts to get a half way decent gallery, had to find and buy/download/record/edit all the tv shows/movies she’s been in, do screencaps MYSELF ( I hate screencapping too, seriously)… I mean shit, that was at least 50+ hours of work. And that’s what I do, that’s my thank you. But people just see it as being crazy. I’m sorry I’m creative. Eat me.

It’s really either you do nothing and no one knows or you do something and people think your nuts for it. It’s not like I’d ever go up to someone screaming and being like OH MY GOD YOU’RE MY IDOL! Because that’s fucking insane and idolization is foolish, plus it reminds me of Backstreet Boys fan girls… but, okay actually honestly I wouldn’t go up to anyone at all. Per things already described. I either tell them what it means to me and possibly cry, or don’t and not cry. I chose the latter, I don’t like crying. Plus crying fans are usually labeled as more insane.

It’s like, you know when fans will go up to their favorite actress/musician or whatever, and the “celebrity” is always “grateful”… always polite, all “oh, your sweet, thank you”? But yet you know in their head that they’re weirded out by the attention? Yeah, I don’t want to do that. Ever. Because I know what they’re thinking. I’d never settle for formalities, I’d rather just not even bother. What I feel about what they might have helped me with in my life is too important to be fucked off by formalities. And admiring Parker is helping me a lot right now; it makes me try really hard to be okay. To just kind of hate it all underneath, but still accept it and move forward in life. Use it as a stepping stone.

But try is the operative word in there.

I don’t even understand much celebrity hype anymore either. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to like live and die by all those stupid magazines, now I just mock them in my head as I pass them by in the grocery store. Maybe I’ve just gotten it into my head that they’re people too – that’s probably due to Hudson as well. The media likes to pretend they’re not, like they’re gods or something.

And yeah, I still get excited sometimes over them, oh so and so looked really pretty at this award show (which I don’t watch anymore, just see pictures) that’s basically it.

I don’t do paparazzi either, out of respect. On all of my fansites I’ve had to date I haven’t and never will include paparazzi photos. Imagine having someone following you around all day with a camera, taking pictures of you with no makeup on and posting it on the internet just so everyone can be all ‘OMG’ over it. Seriously, just think about that.

The point of this whole rant, I suppose, is just that while I enjoy showing gratitude in my own little way, I don’t like the labels it puts on me. It limits everything, you know? When you’re passionate about something, and would love to help out in whatever aspect, you’re still labeled as being stark nuts because of it. And it’s because of the stereotype society has put on it, because of all the ‘fanatics’ who stalk people and god knows whatever else. People automatically assume you’re one of those types.

What celebrities fail to see, is that fans are people too. Just like most fans fail to understand that about celebrities. It always works both ways. Hence, the cycle continues.

I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I’m a person trying to say thank you to another person because their job helped me out. It’s on the same level as a person coming into a bank and thanking the man that gave them their first loan to start their own business, to move forward in their life.

Television and movies don’t make people above average human beings, and television and movie watchers don’t make people below average human beings. I really hate what media has done for us. It splits our race in half.

There are some things that due to being a fan, have helped me out tremendously. I won’t deny that, but I won’t talk about it either. But for the first time in my life, someone looked at me as a person, and what I can do creatively, rather than just see me as another insane fan, and took a chance on me. I appreciate that, more than any of you know. Probably even more than the person themself knows.

I don’t know, I’ve just been kind of holding in this “fan” rant for probably a month now, been meaning to get around to doing a video on it, probably still might because I did have an amusing scene I wanted to play out, but I just needed to express it.

We lift some people up so high that the rest of the world ends up looking like ants to them. And I’m speaking generally, here. As far as I know, Beth hasn’t turned into a snob. Then again, I don’t know anything.

And no, the whole point of this rant isn’t so I can bitch about how I haven’t talked to her. If you think that, then you’ve missed the entire point. The point, plain and simple is this: I don’t like being labeled as crazy because of my gratitude, I’m a person, and it’s how I say thank you. But the larger point is, I still won’t ever tell her what Parker’s done for me, is doing for me at the moment, because it’s too important to be just passed around in conversation.

So when I do meet her at a convention, or whenever it may be, more than likely I’ll actually stay away from her. Backwards, right? But I just don’t think I ever want to have that conversation, and face to face I tend to spit things out like word vomit or something. The only time I’d ever prefer to really talk to her would be over email or something like that, and I’d rather only ever ask her to contribute or help with input on the website, if she’d like to. That’s it.

Why? Because I don’t know her, and while she portrayed an amazing character I admire and is helping me feel better about being me, it’d be nine times of awkward to tell that to someone you don’t know.

None of you probably understand me now; I know most people would tell the person. But it’s how I feel.

It’s just too damn important.

Labels: beth riesgraf, fandoms, leverage, parker

I have half a gram of meth in front of me.

In my drunken state yesterday I apparently ordered some but promptly passed out before I could smoke it. I woke up this morning, picked it up, picked up my pipe... and just stopped.

I've been clean for two weeks as of today. Two weeks. I already passed the worst part of the dope sickness, and now it's just a matter of will power.

I don't like wasting my money, not when the economy is as bad as it is. But I don't want to smoke it, either.

No, I take that back. I do want to smoke it, bad. So bad I started uploading pictures from "the 12 step job" to my Beth website but then stopped because I didn't have the focus to do it. I have to upload them and place them one by one, you see. Very hard to do when your not all tweeked out.

But then apart of me doesn't want to be a liar. I said I was going to try to stop, and should make every effort to do so.

Regardless of either point of view, it's torturing me.

Sure, I could go to work and sell it. I know plenty of people that will buy it. However I don't like to get involved in the distribution of drugs.

And in some way I feel the need to prove myself to Sarai, which to be honest I find completely ridiculous seeing as I still have no idea where the hell we stand, but then again I know we won't stand anywhere if I pick up this baggie and load my pipe.

Women just aren't supposed to effect me like this. I always do my own thing, and fuck all the bullshit in between.


I frequently do other things in the middle of blogging because of my extreme ADD. So I check my email.

SUBJECT: Dean Devlin sent you an iTunes Gift

Cue me being like, "Wait, what?" Blink. Stare. Blink some more.

Seriously, I love how blonde I've been getting ever since I dyed my hair. Its true, the bleach does sink into your skull. Here I am thinking it's just some scam or promotional email. No matter how much recognition I keep getting from the show I'm still convinced they really have no idea who the fuck I am. Probably because I find it so surreal to begin with.

"Sapphire Smoke -
Heard you missed this episode. Enjoy!
-Dean Devlin"

I love this show. I love these people. You like, don't even understand. The creators, the producers, the network... I'm gonna have thier babies. ROFL.

I wonder how he even knew I missed it. I know I bitched about it on my LJ for a minute through an update over my phone right after my desktop hit the shitter. Oh wait, I actually mentioned it on my last YT video, didn't I? Stupid jail and their stupid rules about not letting me watch my obsessions and have any kind of enjoyment.

I actually have been needing to download iTunes anyway. Was trying to update my ipod yesterday and then was like wait I need iTunes for that, don't I?

Unfortunately, it's gonna have to wait cause I need to already do a system restore because me and my dumb ass decided to try to download some program to get dial up for free so I could FTP the Leverage screencaps to my website instead of doing them one by one (since I lost my AOL dial up with my hard drive pooping out on me), and its like some kind of virus thing. Well not really, just I cant figure out how to unistall it and it keeps popping up and being in my face all obnoxious like. So fuck all that bullshit.

I guess the reason I find myself still questioning if they actually know who I am or not is because I'm a day dreamer. Bad. Like seriously seriously bad. I let my imagination run away with me, and if I actually accept that they know who I am, I'll start hoping that I can actually meet Beth one day (or even just possibly be in contact with her so I can actually expand my website into a better resource), or be able to see an episode getting filmed, or be an extra, or other impossible things like that. This is why i enjoy pessimism: you never get disappointed. lmfao.

That, and you keep getting amazed when things like this happen.

You know, before I started this post I told myself I wouldn't talk about Leverage, because I was planning in my next post to do a recap of the last two episodes (because I have things to say - like always) and also a recap of the first episode of Dollhouse. But oh well. I'll still do it, don't get me wrong, but now my brain's back to Leverage.

Laugh all you want, I know it doesn't stray from it very often so this isn't that unexpected.

I've been feeling so behind in the community lately though. Missing two weeks of Leverage fandom activities is making me feel slightly lost. So many things get updated about it every day in all the comms on LJ, that I had to go back 15 pages in my friends entries to catch up. Yet, I still feel lost.

Really, I think I just need to dive back into some fanfiction. It'll make me feel better. Like I have to time, though. Still need to upload pictures from 12 step and juror for my Beth website. Procrastinating on that due to how long an tedious it is. Really, why can't you just open up Port 21, Budget Suites, you fucking rat bastards that need to make my life harder. One thing I hate about living in an extended stay motel.

I finally got around to making the scene spam of Parker from 12 step, but I hate it. I hate that all I have is Windows Movie Maker. It squashes my creativity and makes my shit look... unprofessional. I don't like that. I have standards for myself, and for the stuff I put out there about the show. I'm an Leverage advertising queen, and it aggravates me that that video I put out is less than satisfactory.

I'm extremely anal and precise when it comes to being "the only" of something. The only YT channel dedicated to a Leverage character, the only website up for Beth Riesgraf. I am the first, I am the only, I have to be the best.

It's a thing I have. HA.

I don't have photoshop either. That makes me want to bang my head against something heavy. I cant make graphics with Paint, people.

I lost all my brushes and shit too. My fonts. Sigh. Its gonna take awhile to get this laptop updated. I also had a program I bought to rip videos from DVDs (that I actually bought and not downloaded illegally, mind you) but I cant remember for the life of me what the name of the program was. Which annoys me as well. Not that I need to rip any DVDs until the Leverage box sets come out, but still.

I really hope they do them like the Xena box sets. I love love love those box sets. Best ones ever made. And since Leverage is up there in my book next to Xena (which if you all have known me for a long time, thats saying something) I'm expecting some good shit.

And conventions. Leverage needs conventions.

Speaking of conventions, tickets to next years Xena con is already on sale. Can I afford them? No. I'm so getting annoyed at my lack of money. I hate having to rely on other people to get pictures of Hudson so I can put them on my website. Which, I have yet to get from last months either. Then again, havent been online much yet to get there yet. More pressing matters to deal with.

And yet I procrastinate doing them by writing in my blog. I gotta work tonight too. Rent and shit like that. I havent had a minute to just have a real day off where I just sit around and do nothing. I've been going and going since I got out of jail. Yesterday at work I made $200, which is pathetic. But people kept looking at my eye like I'm some battered wife.

Bitch, like I would EVER let a MAN hit me. PUH-LEASE.

I do have battered wife syndrome though. I've been so used to getting abused mentally and emotionally by women that I just laid down and took physical abuse from my best friend. I was sick all yesterday, couldn't eat. I know it was because I swallowed so much blood. I also have been having trouble breathing, which leads me to believe I inhaled some as well and that its sitting in my lungs.

Can I go to the hospital though? No. Why? Because even if I don't press charges against her, the state will. And I won't do that to her kids, man. I love her kids like they were my own family.

So here I sit, feeling like shit, beaten up, and yet do nothing about it.

I'm pathetic.

I'm also obsessed with Britney Spear's song "Circus".

rofl. How ADD was THAT moment?

Back to LEVERAGE!

I feel the need to try to analyze my obsession with Parker, because really, I can't figure out why I like her so much. When I write, things tend to subconsciously come out so I'm going to try it right now. Analyzing the character will make me realize alot of why I like her so much, or more ways I relate to her. You ready for this? I tend to get deep. lol.

I get what it's like to be looked at like your crazy when you think you said something completely appropriate in your opinion. It makes you feel like somethings wrong with you, but you can't figure out what it is and you wish to God someone would just tell you. I see that in Parker.

I've noticed I look at Parker beneath the surface. When people look at Parker like that, it's like I can see in her eyes the 'I don't get it' feeling that she has. Like I can read her thoughts. Seriously, this is why I made a fansite for Beth. I find her acting to be amazing. I can rarely feel like I can read a characters mind through just the look in their eyes, but I feel like I can with Parker. That might be partly due to me having some similarities to Parker's personality, or mental state, whichever. But it still has alot to do with Beth's quality as an actress, and it surprises me and slightly even horrifies me that she's not done alot more roles than she has. Its like people can't appreciate the talent that's in front of them. Thank god the Leverage casters did.

Parker tries so hard to fit in, and just when she thinks she is she realizes she still sticks out like a sore thumb. I actually get mad about Eliots comments about her... like in the juror #6 job, when he mentioned she shouldnt do jury duty because theres NORMAL people there. And he said it right in front of her, like he thinks shes so messed up that she doesn't have any kind of feelings. Like shes some sort of thieving robot. Like she's incapable of connecting with the human race when clearly she has some sort of connection to all of them because she's still around and they still want her around.

Its one of the reasons I prefer to ship her with Sophie. While theres not much room for subtext between the two of them thus far in the episodes (which makes me go grr cause they so gave the Eliot/Hardison shippers something in 12 step), Sophie has started to take Parker under her wing almost (at least, when shes not busy bitching/being all over Nate). Shes encouraging to Parker, and it's like she can tell how important it is to Parker that she can interact with people, even though Parker pretends like she couldn't care less.

But we all know everyone cares. Parker included. I've come to realize the secret of life isn't what you do, how much money you make, or how happy you are. The secret to life is interacting with people, because everyone that comes into your life plays some role - whether large or small - to shape who you ultimately become. Everyone that comes into our lives impacts in one way or another, and we grow as human beings. When you don't communicate with other people, you might as well be dead, because you no longer grow. We all learn from our experiences with other people in this life, more so than the ones on your own. Most people don't even stop and think and realize how much interacting with others is an important part of living.

Parker hates who she is. Maybe not hate, thats a little strong, but dislikes a large part of herself. But shes like most people, she puts on a shell of "I don't care what you think" and prays that it doesn't crack when she's around someone else. Crying in front of Hardison in the stork job didn't make her happy, you could see it on her face. You could tell by how she tried to calm herself down quickly and wiped her tears away, rapidly rebuilding her walls so she didn't have feel reality anymore. She even seemed slightly mad at herself for allowing herself to break down like that in front of him. Feelings are what Parker suppresses most of all. I did that for years. I protected myself from my own feelings and hid everything inside myself until finally I broke and went crazy. But during that time I actually acted a lot like Parker did. Slightly detached from reality.

Parker is terrified of her own feelings. She doesn't want to recognize that she does, wether she likes it or not, have major issues. Probably due to being abused. Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually. People foolishly think some of those are worse than others. They all do the same amount of damage, just in different ways. So no, it doesn't matter to be how she was abused. I'm just pretty damn sure that she was in some way or another during her childhood.

I'm planning on writing a fanfiction centered around the anti-depressants the rehab made her take in 12 step. Only because I see so much of myself in Parker, I'm sure that when she got off of them she hated what they did to her. Yeah they make you happier, but they change who you are. They change everything that makes you YOU. Its like feeling that people drug you because the way you were made just isn't goo enough for the real world, so they try to change who you are. Its a horrible feeling to feel like who you are isn't good enough for anyone, and that you have to be someone else to be liked by anyone at all.

That's why I don't take my medication anymore. Sure I "self medicate" with drugs, but not to change who I am, but to stimulate the qualities and abilities I dont have access too when I'm not on them. Like the ability to patiently be able to upload over 200 screen caps one by one. Productivity, basically.

Parker steals to compensate for the things out of her reach. She cant have mental stability, and I find it doubful that she's had any type of realationship in her life other than one based on sex. She can't connect, so she takes what she can get from other people to make up for the things she can't take, have, or get. Or at least, thats my opinion at least. My whole analyzation is actually my opinion, and can't ever be sure unless it plays a role in canon. One thing about TV shows, speculation will always be there. You can ever write an entire person, if you understand what I mean. People are just too complex.

Her ability as a thief is one thing she can be proud of about herself. It's a skill that's meaningful to her, because as a regular human being she has so few. She has to be the best at something, excel outstandingly in one area, to make her feel like shes worth something.

I really could go on forever about Parker and keep bringing up new points and make an entire deduction just based on a simple hand motion she gives, but I won't do that to you all. You have no idea how much I enjoy analyzation, and how deep I can really go. So I'll stop, for now.

Mainly because I just realized its 5:30 and I need to start getting ready for work. Lord, I've been writing forever.

Labels: dean devlin, drugs, leverage, meth, parker

I tried an experiment yesterday.

The thing is, I really don't EVER want to upload hundreds or thousands of fucking pictures one by one. That just sucks. Very much so.

Though, after I uploaded all the award shows/premiers photos, leverage promotional photos, and leverage behind the scenes photos of Beth I was like wait a minute.

The entire reason I can't bulk upload files is due to them blocking the port on their wireless modem, right? Well, dial up doesn't use that.

Yeah, I shuddered at those words too. Dial up...

However, I was correct in thinking my FTP would work with dial up. It's painfully PAINFULLY much slower than I'm used to my FTPs working, but it's less time consuming then uploading them one by one. I've uploaded most all of them except the last two episodes that aired. I'm uploading The Wedding Job right now before I do The Stork Job, because even though it came after it, The Stork Job has close to 400 screencaps of Beth cause it's a very Parker-centric episode, so I'm going to upload those while I sleep cause it's gonna take a couple hours. What I did with The Nigerian Job last night.

Steve (my friend/customer/minion) is going to buy the domain name for me, because apparently no one can get off their dope fucked asses to drive me to cash my stupid check, let alone have me put the money on a freaking prepaid credit card. Two days of "oh yeah we'll be over" and then just NOT.

I'm slightly convinced the people of Leverage and TNT probably think I'm so wacked out stalker Beth fan, which while is highly annoying because I'm not, there's nothing I can do about that. If ya'll haven't noticed, I tend to have a thing for under appreciated talented actresses. Like Hudson for example. Hudson's still my favorite actress by far, but do I stalk her? No. Why? Probably because half the time I'm not even sure if I want to be in the same vicinity as her because I tend to get lectured about something everytime I am lol. She's like a fusion between my mother and my sister, the way she lectures me. It sounds odd, but you wouldn't get it unless you knew my mother and sister lol. I still love Hudson though, don't get me wrong, the woman has taught me more in this life than most other people I've come across.

But I concider her an "unappreciated talented actress" because 98% of the time when I say "Hudson Leick" people are like "Who?" and then I gotta say "Callisto from Xena" and then get a "duhh" kind of look from them to which I have to explain, "The blonde psychotic bitch that always wanted to kill Xena and had rocks fall on her head all the time." The people are like "OHHHH!!"

And Beth is more under appreciated than Hudson is. My website is going to be the ONLY fansite out there for her once it's launched. THE ONLY FREAKING ONE.

Granted, to be fair, this is her first big role.

On a side note, I'm half convinced her first role was actually a artistic hardcore porn film, and it's driving me insane because I can't figure it out. Not that my reason (or my main reason anyway - I am only human after all) is to watch it just cause she's all naked and possibly doing icky het things in it, but because on the header in the welcome message on every page it says that was her first role, which while it WAS, I just don't much want to advertise her porn on there as her first role, even if it is artistically done or whatever. I really did think it was just a movie until I read someones comment on the film, and now I'm not so sure.

But oh well, until I find out that it is in fact porn, it's staying up there. The website is going to be launched in a day or two, hopefully. It depends on how long it takes for the domain name to take effect after Steve buys it, I can't remember.

Now, on to something about Leverage that slightly intrigues me, are you ready for this? This will blow your mind if you know anything about me and my fandoms.

In every fandom that I have, I usually like one or two couples, always femslash. BTVS... Buffy/Faith. X:WP... Xena/Gabrielle, Eve/Varia. Bones.... Brennan/Angela. You get the idea. Mainly, that's the only fanfiction I write/read/give half a fuck about. Everything else gets passed by without a second glance.

Leverage is very different. Not exactly sure why either lol.

I read solo Parker fanfics(which doesn't mean masturbation you dirty minded people lol)/general fanfics.
I read/write Parker/Sophie.
I read/will be writing soon Parker/Eliot - cause they are the prettiest het couple ever lol.
I read Parker/Hardison.
I read Hardison/Eliot.

And the het and slash fics.. I'll read the NC-17. It's slightly hard to get through during those parts, but I'll effing read it.

While my first try at writing het sex occurred in a very short scene in "Path of Forgiveness", I'll probably be trying my hand at Parker/Eliot. First I wanna write a PG-13 one, just to kind of get the hang of trying to picture het in my head while I write, but I think they're gonna break my het sex cherry fully.

I don't think I'll ever write boyslash. I can't relate to any of that lmao.

But it kind of nice, to actually enjoy the ENTIRE fandom, instead of just bits which I usually do.

This fucking show better be on the air for a very long time. NOW! Onto comments....

v1cious said...
lol was the food free?

also, i noticed your recent entry was on Friday. does that mean you haven't been using at all, or just as of yesterday. either way, it's good that you're making progress. have you considered a daytime activity, like maybe a second job part-time college classes? that would keep you active.

I wish, but no lol.

At the time, it meant that I wasn't using at all. My days are a little screwy, and right now even though it's 3:16am on Tuesday, I still consider it Monday because I haven't slept yet. My days start later than everyone elses haha.

I did, however use yesterday. I didn't buy, and no one came over and gave me any, but you'd be surprised how much fucking dope was stuck in all three of my pipes. It got me decently high, and I was able to finally stop procrastinating about the gallery. I needed to do that, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to do unless I was high cause it sucks configuring that thing and I get frustrated easily, especially because I was trying to incorporate something new into it, which I guess ya'll will see when I launch the website.

As for me getting active... why would I want to do that? I'm sure in the spring/summer when I get manic I'll be doing all sorts of stuff, but I'm in the depression part where no, I don't get sad, I just don't ever want to leave my house and do, well, anything. Like work. I have to drag my ass to work just to get there one or two days a week. When I get manic I'll be going four or five times a week. It's just a thing that happens every year. Also during that time I probably won't be writing much either.

And I don't do college, nor probably ever will. I find it stupid to spend ridiculous amounts of money on learning stuff I can just teach myself/have taught myself already.

kelly said...
funny how the world works in your favor sometimes.

I'm slightly confused by this. The world works in my favor because I got my name written on my food box? lol.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dial up, dope, fanfiction, leverage, parker, website design

Cause really, of course my camera would die in the middle of my stupid presentation on Parker's questionable sanity. OF FUCKING COURSE.

I procrastinate forever about actually putting together this video, and when I finally get around to it, it dies on me.

Thank you, you piece of shit I'd love to throw in the trash but can't because I don't have a replacement for yet.

Not that it matter's much, I still have to wait until someone posts the video for this weeks episode so I can download it, because I need one of those clips in my presentation to back up one of my statements.

Still. Grr.

Though, in other completely random news, in my procrastination period I ended up making pretties:

( Click To Full Size )







Regardless, I want to get this done. Damnit.

Also, someone commented to my last post and thought I was going to be working for TNT. That would be false. I will not and probably never get paid by them or the people that make Leverage. They are just trying to reach out to the fanbase and give a little extras so I pretty much can continue promoting them at no charge to them.

However, if I end up getting in contact with Beth and she accepts my offer to build her a website, then I would be working for her.

Though once again, not the show nor the broadcasting network.

I'm just possibly getting some extra shit because I'm a crazy fanatic, that's all.

Speaking of Leverage though, this week's episode was funny as fuck. Seriously. Parker telling the bridesmaid she looked fat, and her pretending to be drunk and looking for Hardison to have sex with... just too funny. Also, Eliot bitching about how he cant look for the money or basically do anything else (except ending up beating the shit out of "the butcher") because he needs to cook for 200 people. LMAO.

Sigh, maybe it's got enough charge to finish the video now, as long as I don't keep fucking up and having to redo my own sentences because apparently I can think something but it usually never comes out of my mouth correctly.

Labels: camera, leverage, parker, photography, youtube

I did mention earlier I'd end up being labeled as "the crazy Parker fanatic" eventually right? Well, even though I'm not called THAT -- my obsession with Parker ended up getting me noticed by the show.

Yeah, seriously. I couldn't believe it either.

My sleeps been so fucked up recently I woke up at 9:30 tonight and wasn't sure if it was 9am or 9pm... lol. That's bad. Considering I need to get my ass to work on Wednesday. Really I should work tomorrow, but that would mean I miss Leverage and um, no.

So I wake up, half asleep and stumble my ass to the computer to see how many comments I got on all my Parker ships wallpapers. I made a wallpaper for Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, Parker/Sophie and Parker/Nate (which I don't understand THAT pairing, but I know some people like it so I did it anyway).

Well, I have like fifteen comments (I'm good, what can I say? haha), and I check all of those. Then I see I have a new email.

I had to read the first line over like, I kid you not, about three times. I was like "wait a minute, I must still be really fucking sleepy cause I think that just said that this was from someone who works on/is affiliated with Leverage"

Read it over a couple times, I wasn't wrong, it really said that.

I didn't think in a million years I'd actually get contacted by the show. I won't say specifically who it was per his request, but I'm really flattered, like, insanely so.

Well, I guess they really like the channel I set up for Parker and is going to forward the link to Beth (Riesgraf) so she can check it out herself. I also got offered to be helped out with my channel, and be given "supplemental materials for it". Seriously, people.

I'm excited, shit like this never happens to me. If I actually am able to get in contact with Beth and extend my offer to build her an official website, and if she accepts, do you even UNDERSTAND how much exposure that is for me alone?

So, I'm a happy fucking bitch right now.

Finally, my crazy obsessions actually amount to something. lmao!

Labels: beth riesgraf, leverage, obsessions, parker, website design, youtube

Does anyone remember the video I made on YouTube awhile back called "I Want My Obsessions Back"?

Well, obviously I have them back. I know most people think I'm certifiably insane, getting caught up in fictional worlds, characters, or stories. What people don't seem to understand is that I am the most happiest when I am. When I don't have to focus on how much bullshit there is in life, or how while I'm managing to finally support myself in only the matter of working one day a week because I have a problem with trying to live past my means, then I'm perfectly happy.

On a side note, it also tends to be my anti-drug. Imagine that.

I have had absolutely no urges to do meth in almost the last week. I've been so caught up in being a Parker-obsessed weirdo, thus labeling me as the Crazy Parker Fanatic (not that anyone has said that, but I'm sure it's coming), that I don't want to smoke. At all.

And it's interesting really. I used to say I smoked because it got me more focused, and I could finish more tasks that way, and while it's true and maybe it would help me be even more of a crazy Leverage person, I just don't want to.

Partly, because while I can make icons/wallpapers/fan videos while I'm high, I can't focus enough to write fanfiction. I wrote a chapter of my Bellatrix one once while high, and when I was sober ended up reading it and throwing it out because it was such epic crap. When I write I'm very big on incooperating and describing a character's manerisms, quirks, facial expressions... all the little things that most people leave unnoticed. I have to fully be in the characters mind and play out the scene in my head a couple times before I can correctly and acuratly descibe what I saw in my head, because I want other people to see it too.

On the downside, however, my obsessions make me not want to do anything else but. Work? Pfft, only to get my rent and food money (cigarettes too, but that goes without saying). I only worked Friday last week. This week, I only worked Friday too. Made $500 and burned the fuck out.

I had an urge to start a Leverage blog, but I won't. I need to stop overloading myself with a bunch of projects, I tend to hang myself that way. I have the YouTube channel, which I'm doing fabulously on by the way, already ten video's up. Seven episode videos (theres only been six episodes aired, but "The Stork Job" had to be split into two parts for obvious reasons if you've seen it), two fan videos, and an introduction video by me for the channel. I'm also still in the middle of a Parker/Sophie fanfic, and as of right now have writer's block which is kicking my ass. Do you guys remember the story arc thing they used to teach you in school?

__/\__

That thing, lol. But yeah, got up to the peak, and now I'm stuck. Fail.

I should probably take a nap and fix my sleep schedule. Yesterday I got home from work, passed the fuck out drunk as hell, but then woke up three hours later and couldn't get back to sleep until 3:30pm. Hence the no working. I swear I really was planning to go... >.>

Oh, fantastic idea hitting me!

When the season is over, I'm planning on making Parker ship videos for every character (to satisfy everyone's pairings) and I think for the Parker/Eliot I want "Poker Face" cause it takes about gambling and Texas (where Eliot is from). Hm, I must make a note of that somewhere. I'm not much looking forward to the Parker/Nate video, I think that would just be icky, and don't understand the pairing at all. I can see Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, and Parker/Sophie easily, but Parker and NATE? Really? Seriously? Come on now. But whatever.

Moving along now... until next time.

Labels: drugs, eliot, fan videos, fanfiction, hardison, lady gaga, leverage, nate, obsessions, parker, poker face, sophie, youtube

So excuse me while I "omg, wtf, flashback" for like, a half a second.

So you all know my obsession with the new series Leverage. So, it should be no surprise that I was randomly looking up the other actors works on YouTube.

Well, I get to Gina Bellman, and it says, "Coupling Lesbian Scene" so of course I'm like, ohh... hot.

I click on it and what do I get?

THE FREAKING BRITISH TV SERIES EPISODE I RANDOMLY STUMBLED UPON A COUPLE MONTHS AGO ON HBO AND DECIDED I LOVED IT BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING SCENE.

I was like omg, I love British television. And it pissed me off for awhile cause I couldn't even remember the name of the show.

Come to find out, that was actually GINA! It was Gina that was making out with another woman. That's so fucking GREAT you have no idea xD

In other news, my Parker obsession has reached an entirely new level:


TwentyPoundsOfCrazy - A YouTube Channel completely dedicated to Parker from Leverage

Fear it, I'm fucking insane. I swear to god.

( Also I ask if you do subscribe to it that you do not in anyway talk about my personal life on there, thats what my dropvids account is for, and I do not wish to be kicked off there again. Thanks )

Labels: british television, coupling, gina bellman, lesbian, leverage, obsessions, parker, youtube

So, excuse me while I become uberly obsessed with Leverage since like... it's series premiere.

It's odd, the ONLY other show I have every watched obsessively since the series premiere is The Closer [ also a TNT creation - and coming back in a couple weeks! SQUEE! Brenda FTW ] However, I didn't get this bad.

And yes, I'm sure those of you who know my ridiculous television obsessions are all like "Wtf, what about Xena?" Which reminds me I need to update my Hudson website because apparently she's holding a two hour yoga class at this years convention. I'm not fussed by any means that I'll miss it, I'd rather go to her retreats.

Which also reminds me of a dream I had last night, where Julie talked about how I needed to find the blue leprechaun to get into the special retreat, and Hudson yelled at me because I gave her $7 instead of $10 (for what you ask? Who knows lol) and then proceeded to tell me that she knows the only reason I go to retreats was because I'm her fan, which made me tell her that no, I go to her retreats because she beats me over the head with brutal honesty and makes me question my entire existence in the matter of thirty minutes.

Because you know, THAT'S always fun.

GAH! Off topic. I just woke up, you'll have to excuse me being completely all over the place.

ANYWAY. The thing with Xena, Buffy, Angel, and Bones is that... I didn't start watching them when they first aired. Xena and Buffy were completely off the air, Angel was in it's last season, and Bones I believe was in the middle of the third, however I was watching them all on TNT to catch up at the time.

And why it's different than The Closer is, while I fucking love The Closer like no other, I never got into the actual fandom of it. Probably because who the hell am I supposed to pair Brenda with for some steamy femslash? Daniels? Come ON now. Though, Daniel's is a hot ass bitch, but I just can't see them together. And I dont' do het. So the whole Fritz and her thing, which nice on television, doesn't spark any creative streak in me.

Now let's talk about LEVERAGE...

Okay so, no surprise here, but Parker's my favorite character. You all know how I get all weak at the knees with the crazy bitches, haha.

And hi, Sophie. British accent. HELLO!

Enter Mary writing so much lovely Parker/Sophie fanfiction it's ridiculous. I just started this story yesterday... and am already up to chapter six and over 10K words. And keep in mind that this is AFTER I already wrote a 4K word NC-17 short about the two of them. I'm on a fucking roll, people.

A FUCKING ROLL.

But just... look at this people. Look at this!

The cuteness is undeniable. And I just wanna eat Parker Beth up! Look at her! GAH!

Anyway, so here I am, making lovely little icons all day long, writing fanfiction, obsessivly talking about the show with other fans, every damn day, not being able to wait until Tuesdays until the show airs.

I refuse to work on Tuesdays now, by the way. And it'll be Monday too when The Closer starts airing again.

Ah! I love you TNT!

And my GOD... this show's fandom is already HUGE! I've never seen a show get this huge this fast... ever.

-insert excited squeal cause that means it won't get pulled off the air anytime soon-

So... I'm uber excited about tonight's episode, because apparently it's time to find out more about Parker!

And for the love of GOD, I just want to know what Parker's first name is! Everyone else gets a full name, why not her? -.- Come on now people. Curiousity WILL kill me. Seriously.

Anyway, yay for like a first blog that doesn't include stripping or drugs. Obsessions FTW!

EDIT: Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't just spend eight hours on a Parker-oriented fan video, and just pretend this link is something far less geeky.

CLICKY CLICKY

And we'll also pretend that its not almost one in the afternoon now, and approximately six hours past my bedtime. I'm starting to get a serious headache from lack of sleep and staring at this fucking computer. But tonights episode ended up being so good, I had to go download it right away and make a video out of it.

I'm retarded I know, but let's not spread that around.

Labels: fanfiction, femslash, leverage, obsessions, parker, sophie

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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