entries ● about ● links

I’ve been refraining from writing in here for a bit now. Not because I don’t have anything to write about, cause shit I really do, but maybe because I didn’t know if I was ready to tell anyone yet. For awhile it made me feel dirty, like I was doing something wrong. Which is ridiculous, because out of all the damn things I’ve done in my life, something this normal shouldn’t make me feel dirty.

Forewarning for those of you who aren’t used to my brash honesty: this will be complete TMI. Read at your own risk.

The first thing that made me feel like something was wrong with me was when I started watching porn. Alright, I know most of you are like “Seriously? Porn?” cause hi, I fucking do porn, my pussy is out there for the whole goddamn world to see, but the thing is… I never watch it. Rarely, maybe fucking once every three months. It’s not a normal thing for me, and to be honest I really don’t masturbate all the much. As fucked up as it is, I get off, and no, not literally, writing and reading fics. It doesn’t give me an actual orgasm, but sexually stimulating my mind usually does more for me in the long run. Honestly. I know I’m weird.

Okay, the second thing. It’s been often. Like every night. I don’t masturbate every night to it or anything, but sometimes I just watch it. I have no idea why. I just get the urge to. And it’s never long, maybe a half an hour at best, but it’s still become a reoccurring thing.

Third thing is, and this is the big one: it’s been straight porn. And, hi, not only straight porn, but what I tend to specifically look for is anal, double penetration, and gang bangs.

Right. See, and now you’re all like “Okkayy… yeah, wtf, you lesbian.”

Oh, it gets worse.

I’ve apparently found the sexy in rape fetishes, especially realistic rape fetish porn. By realistic I don’t mean brutal beatings and shit, but porn in which the girl actually puts up a fight, says no, stop, whatever. You have no idea how many rough sex porn people try to classify as “rape” when the girls sitting there being like “Oh, harder, I like it like that.”

Yeah, no. Rape victims don’t do that.

See, you’re all weirded out by me now. I don’t blame you. I’m freaking out myself.

Now, of course, me, being the person who has to study and analyze everything in my own life, and why I’m acting the way I’m acting, goes and looks up rape fetishes. Like, as a study. Apparently, victims of rape sometimes can develop the fetish much later in life. So okay, I don’t feel like such a weirdo on that front anymore.

But there’s still the big glaring issue here: the straight porn. The loads and loads of dicks violating girls straight porn I can’t seem to fucking stop watching.

I imagine this is how normal people feel when they start to come out of the closet. The problem with me is that I accepted from a very early age that I liked women. I’ve never had an attraction to the male species until it started to form about a year or so ago. Slowly, nothing that’s made me really even notice it. This though is hitting me like a shit ton of bricks in the face.

And it’s freaking me out.

You know all those people saying, “I don’t wanna be gay, I don’t wanna be gay”?

Yeah, I’m the opposite. I don’t want to be straight. Or technically bisexual. Trust me, I still love women, very very much. And I do still know that I will eventually spend the rest of my life with one. But this right here freaks me out. Men as an entire species freaks me out when it comes to sex with them.

Okay no, that’s not true. I’ve had sex with men for money.

Let me revise that: men, having sex with a man, for hell, maybe something seemingly even emotional, fucking makes me want to run screaming.

I can’t trust men. I just can’t. I can have men as friends, but even that’s hard for me. Mainly because they can say one thing, just one fucking thing that’s sexual towards me, manages to make me feel uncomfortable, and then I’ll always feel uncomfortable around them. But I don’t say anything, I even sometimes encourage it, because part of my sick twisted brain is convinced that that’s what I’m supposed to do.

The first time I remember doing it was when I was fourteen. He was my friend, I cared about him, had fun with him, but I knew he liked me. I was all over one of my girl friends at the time whenever I was around him, just to make the point that I didn’t like him like that without having to actually say it. But he’s flirt, I’d giggle, I’d do the shit you’re supposed to do.

Until he got me drunk and him and his TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD friend took me to the woods and molested me in his car. And I say molested just because there was no penis inserted. Other things with inserted, shit that I remember fucking hurt all to holy hell and back again. Too many god damn things.

I said “I don’t want to,” a grand total of one time in my drunken half passed out state. Middle of the woods, had no idea where the fuck I was, trashed off my ass, and that fucking instinct just takes over where you realize if you just let it happen then it can’t possibly be worse than what could happen if you try to fight.

Its sick, but that’s what happened. I told my best friend what he did, and you know what she said? “Well you must have acted like you wanted it, because he just wouldn’t do that.” He was her friend too.

Right. I never told anyone about that ever again. Fuck all of that. I probably should tell my mom, she’s hated the bastard since I first started hanging out with him. Worse when he got me into that car accident. But he’s still in jail anyway, so fat lot of good that’ll do.

Anyway, my point is, I can’t handle this whole bi-curious thing I got going on right now. I want it to stop. It freaks me out, and I don’t like it.

And yet I continue to watch this goddamn porn.

Oh and, here’s the great part: integrating my dirty little fetishes into my fanfic. God. My little anal fascination showed up in “The Intervention Job”, and my slight rape/treat me like a whore fetish showed up in “Forgotten.”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The fucking end.

Labels: fetish, porn, rape, sex, sexuality, straight

So me and Kimber started to have a very healthy yet passionate debate over Parker and Sophie and thier character arcs and stuff in the Leverage chat tonight (with Maggie, Tina, and Yu as witnesses to this whole ordeal) Unfortunately it ended up morphing into being just about Parker.

For those of you that have been reading this blog for awhile now, I have gone a little into why I love the character so much. I admire the hell out of her, and admire Beth Riesgraf for playing a character like that, to the point where it's just... really personal. There are so many things about Parker that I see in myself, except I see that Parker got it right. Parker's stronger. Parker's better. And it's just... Okay, I'll get to that afterwards.

I'm gonna post the debate, because honestly it is really interesting, and I think other's might find it interesting... until I flip out entirely at the end. Which I will explain. Fuck it. I... just don't care anymore. And really, I need to justify WHY I totally went insane in the chat. Rather not have people think I'm crazy for no reason.

Me: (talking about writing a Parker/Sophie physical fight just for the hell of it) But I don't know what the fuck would make them fight like that, and the fact that Sophie couldn't take Parker in a million years? Yeah…

Kimber: I think she could. Well....maybe not take her...but she could be a match for a LITTLE while....

Me: No she couldn't lmao. Don't kid yourself. Parker's TRAINED. Sophie? No. Ahaha

Kimber: She had to have gotten into fights before....and just when her strength starts to wane, is when Parker makes her move.

Me: While I can imagine her being STRONGER than Parker, Parker is way more skilled.

Kimber: Parker wasn't trained until ELIOT... and now they're all... how did Rogers put that?..."cross-training".... Sophie might actually be better... who knows? I just think Sophie COULD be good, IF/WHEN need be. Hand-to-hand combat is just more of a last resort for Sophie. Or in your story you could mention "Eliot's been training me, too" or something.

Maggie: Well she has been taking care of herself for a long time

Kimber: Like "When did you get so good?".... "Eliot's been training me, too".... That still wouldn’t explain WHY they're fighting, though. LMAO

Me: Parker was trained before Eliot! THE STORK JOB HELLO. Eliot didn't start training her until season 2

Kimber: I don't think that was "training" so much as "fight or flight"...the kid peeking through gave her the added "boost"... the adrenaline kicked in... she HAD to take him down to help the kids escape.

Tina: Sophie in a black sports bra type shirt with the black leggings sparring with Eliot.......... *comes back to reality* Sorry tangent thought

Kimber: I think, before Eliot, it was more....Parker could defend herself, yes....but *actual* training...no. Some people are naturally good at some things.

Me: Uh, did you not see her technique? Not many people who fight just to not be killed can do cartwheel kicky things and jumping up to hold oton a bar and yada yada… I mean most people just... don't do that.

Kimber: Parker's different, though.

Me: GAH. –headdesk- JUST LET ME BE RIGHT.

Kimber: LOL. Nope! hehe

Me: PARKER IS LIKE MY DAMN LIFE. LET ME TAKE THE WIN. DAMNIT

Kimber: I'll stick to Sophie.

Tina: "Think about when you’re father died"

Kimber: ROTFLMAO

Me: That line still doesn't make sense

Kimber: Why not? *confused* They've never specifically said how old she was when she was put in the system.

Me: Because either A) she was guessing and that’s just a weird ass thing to guess (possibly even rude) or B) Parker told her this, when Parker never showed any signs of being remotely close to Sophie, especially not where it was SUPPOSED to be placed, as the fourth episode. No way Parker would let a complete stranger know her past

Kimber: Sophie reads people for a living.

Me: You can't just read that someone’s father died.

Kimber: It's probably the "back plot" the audience will never get to see.

Me: Sophie reading people doesn't make her a mind reader.

Kimber: It's not mind reading.... but... wait... *tries to remember order now*... GAH! Aired eps or DVD eps?

Me: DVD eps

Kimber: Damn, I forget both....LOL

Me: Its supposed to be 1.04 and aired its 1.09

Kimber: Yeah, but The Wedding Job was before that.

Me: Yes, so? They didn't have any bonding scenes in that ep or any eps before that. That would make it seem like Parker would trust Sophie with that information. And no, I do not buy that she "read" it from her.

Kimber: Maybe she read something at the table.... her friend's little girl.... Parker was close to her... and it was the little girl's dad in jail... maybe Sophie saw something in Parker's eyes/body language and DID guess... just turned out her guess was correct. "Educated guess"....

Me: Beth plays Parker very well when it comes to body language and mannerisms. She also has worked out Parker's backstory on her own and plays it into how Parker’ reacts to things, so if there was something about it, Beth would have played into it physically.

Kimber: We just saw the little girl go to her mom when she said "Daddy's coming home"... We never saw any of the team. A slight hint of....longing? loathing?... something... in Parker's eyes as that scene played out that we (as an audience) didn't see.

Me: Yeah huh, the girl was on Parker's lap and they smiled and clapped. Besides, Parker has total daddy issues.

Kimber: Though I do think she killed him. LOL. Probably blew up their house, too. Hence how she knew how to do it at the foster home.

Me: But I doubt she's killed anyone or then that many people... While Parker is fucked off to hell, she's not a murderer, but she would kill in a kill or be killed situation.

Kimber: She DIDN'T kill the foster, though.

Me: But if you think she killed her father, what was to stop her from killing anyone else like her foster? Once you kill, its like a drug. Or so people say >.>

Kimber: Ugh...there was one interview where Rogers claimed the foster family wasn't home when she blew up their house.... So....ONLY killing her dad wouldn't be that many people.... just one.... and maybe a few along the way as she grew up, yeah... if she had to....

Me: No I know, and it was on his blog.

Maggie: And on the commentary

Me: No, what I'm SAYING is that if she killed him, why would she not kill her abusive foster father too? Two murders is just as good as one

Kimber: Hmm...I wouldn't know...I've never technically killed anyone. So I can't say if it's like a drug or not. LOL

Me: I’m into reading into a lot of psychological profiles on serial killers and shit... and even people that just kill once, but really when you kill its like you think your God. And you'll do it again, with less hesitation the next time. My point? Parker is not a murderer. Not that I'm saying she isn't capable, she IS.

Kimber: TOTALLY! Though...now I wonder how she'd feel.... Would it affect her? If she did/has...or maybe that's some of what did effect her? IF she did kill her dad… ARGH!!! They so need to do more flashbacks!!! LMAO

Me: She'd retreat more into herself. Her psychological issues point more towards sexual abuse than being a murderer.

Kimber: Sexual AND physical. The defense mechanism...since she can fight.

Me: Well yes, physical tends to go with sexual, rape isn't non-violent.

Kimber: Well, if the person isn't struggling... With the "let 'em do it and he'll leave you alone" mentality...

Me: Parker's a fighter. She would never lay down and take it. No, she's not that fucked off.

Kimber: Also depend on how young she was, too.

Me: Everyone has the mentality to fight, it's instinct when you become so violated And yes, after time and time again it can break a persons mentality and they just SIT THERE AND LET PEOPLE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LET THEM TOUCH THEM AND LET THEM TAKE WHATEVER THE FUCK TEHY WANT AND DO WHAT THEY’RE TOLD AND... FUbdskjf DAMNIT! I'm FUCKING DONE! FUCK THIS CONVERSTAION! Djlshf

Kimber: If she was an infant when it started....NOT in the foster system yet....she could have grown up thinking that was normal.

Me: JUST STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS *is trying to calm down and stop crying*

Kimber: Huh?

Me: You don't understand! Parker wouldn't... she just wouldn't TAKE THAT SHIT LIKE I DID. She's BETTER than that!

Me: Fuck, nevermind! This has gotten entirely too personal.

And that's where that ended... and I just left. I was crying and having a slight panic attack. I totally didn't want to go there. EVER. I just... I wasn't expecting that to happen and I couldn't handle it. I can't handle someone telling me Parker might not have been strong, that she might have just taken it. I CAN'T believe that, I just can't.

Parker is better than that. She's so much STRONGER than that. And yeah she's fucked off all to hell and back, but she's OKAY. She's found something she loves and she's doing and it and she does it well, she doesn't let her fucked off past effect her like I do.

I just.. it's so stupid, but I look up to that character SO MUCH for that. For me to believe that she was exactly like me? I just CAN'T. Because then what? Then who the fuck am I? Why can't I just get past all the bullshit. I have to believe she's so much stronger than I am.

And I know none of this has ever been confirmed officially. But I see it in Parker, the way she acts and stuff. I've gone into that more in other entries so I won't now but... I'm convinced she was sexually abused as a child. But one thing I love about Leverage is that they DON'T ever tell you. As fucked up as it is, Parker being abused sexually means so much to me, and maybe someone else might have a different take on her past that means just as much, you know? But this... this is so personal and I just can't... fuck. You know what I mean.

My two favorite characters Beth has ever played? Parker and Kelly/Sue in that "Without A Trace" episodes. Why? Sexual abuse. In WAT... drugs too. That was the second thing I saw of hers after Leverage... and I was like man, I adore this woman. She portrays the emotions tied to that SO WELL its INSANE. And with Parker and Kelly/Sue it was like different sides of the spectrum. Parker's strong... Kelly/Sue isn't (she changed her name, so I'm unsure of what to call her. We'll call her Sue since thats her real name). And okay, Sue was strong in her own right. She refused to have her own daughter go through what she did and ran, which was the only thing she knew how to do. Parker fights, Sue runs. But they're both legitimate responses.

I'm just... I don't know. I have a headache now. I just have to believe Parker is strong. I have to. Parker is one of the few characters on television that have made me hopeful for my own turnout. Without that? Fuck it. I mean... really. Just fuck it.

The end.

Labels: abuse, beth riesgraf, debate, leverage, parker, rape

I barely ever dream. Or rather I should say, I barely remember my dreams. When I do it tends to be random bits and pieces, like something that is probably irrelevant to the entire dream, like for instance my dream a couple nights ago that involved a purple hamster. That was the only part I remembered, though I did not remember what this hamster did, or if it was mine, or anything else of that sort.

That was not the case last night.

I got home drunk, posted the blog last night, and promptly passed out around four thirty, which is good for me considering I usually end up staying up straight through TNTs morning line up of back to back Angel and back to back Charmed.

The dream felt like I was asleep for hours, that's how much it consisted of. Of course I know dreaming changes every ninety minutes or so if your in a light sleep, and therefore cant last any longer than that, and hell it's even rare that they last over a half an hour. Or at least, that is what I've read in the past. I'm starting to actually think now that I had two different dreams, because I can't seem to remember the connection, though I was sure when I woke up that there was and it flowed into one another seamlessly.

The only thing I remember from the so called first dream would be this girl I used to work with, Cassie, was in it. Now, I had a huge crush on her when I first started working with her, back in say, April or so. I was never with her, because she was dating another woman, which I think she is still with right now. Anyway, to be honest I never figured out if I was drawn to her because of her sexual presence, or more for the fact that I wanted to be like her.

This woman was a lesbian goddess, and no, I don't use that title lightly. She was stunningly beautiful, the most amazing dancer you will ever see in your life, she was a great flirt even when she wasn't trying. She seemed to captivate or intimidate anyone around her just from her presence. Self professed straight women would gladly give up their lesbian virginities for her. She was just that fucking good. Women who never spoke to her in thier life wanted to get to know her more than anything.

I admire that, I want to be that... but I also want to tap that. It's confusing, honestly.

Damn, I'm gonna end up going into background here so the significance of her in my dream is understood. This damn entry is going to be much longer than previously anticipated, good thing I'm not intoxicated this time, it's much easier to write when sober. Surprise, surprise, I know. To be honest, I've always wanted to analyze my attraction to her, because it's something I've never expirenced before, and you'll find out why near the end. But I think that's another reason why I'm going to get very in depth with this.

Anyway, I swear the first time I ever spoke to her, I asked her out on a date. Laugh if you will, but hell I give myself huge props for having the balls to even ask. I had watched her on stage alot previously, since I find myself attracted to women that can dance well and have amazing stage presence, probably left over from when I was a hard core dancer. That dream has since faded with my will to pursue it.

Anyway, to get back on track, I asked a customer to buy me a lap dance from her. From my expirence, women that are great on stage suck at lap dances, and vise versa. She was not the case at all, and gave me the best lap dance anyone has ever given me, outside of the ones I'll get groped, made out with, or fucked during. She I guess gave me the best sensual dance, which to me deserves alot more props.

Afterwards I know I asked her out for something casual. I was intimidated by her, I'll admit that. But I knew if I didn't ask and get over it than nothing was ever gonna come out of anything. You can't start a car just by staring at it, after all.

"Whenever you have a day off, I'd like to take you out to lunch or something."

I said it, and she smiled, and said that would be nice. I breathed, and thanked all the alcohol in my system for allowing me to open my mouth instead of just gawking at her like some sort of idiot.

We never did go out, and for awhile I went back to the intimidated place where I couldn't talk to her. Then I remember one day I got shitty ass drunk, we had been talking off and on for a couple weeks, innocent flirting I guess, and I pinned her up against the wall by the DJ booth. I wish I could remember what I said, but I don't. All I remember is that my friend at the time, Crystal, later said in a sort of shocked awe that she looked intimidated, and that she's never seen her look intimidated by any woman in her life.

I didn't understand it, but it gave me an ego boost. But then again, what doesn't anymore? Point being, I intimidated her. Flirting went on for months, we started doing double dances together and I remember one day we had a customer in VIP give us both four hundred dollars each to just dance for each other. We did nothing explicitly sexual, no kissing, no touching outside the normal double dance ranges, but it was so fucking hot. We ended up having a stack of napkins on the table next to us, for clean up purposes.


I think that's why I liked her so much. She could make me so turned on that I could barely stand it, without even touching me sexually. But was even better, was that here was this lesbian goddess, and she was intimidated by ME. I remember asking her once why she was..

"I've just never had someone purse me like this before, it's usually the other way around."

"You don't like it?"

"I never said that." Smirk, of course.

Okay I'm going far too into this, anyway, I need to make my point, and quickly. Point is, she ended up getting a serious girlfriend and nothing happened. I moved on, started dating another woman there named Diana, though still obviously had an attraction to Cassie, and Diana knew it. No complications arose besides the occasional smart ass remark from Diana about me wanting her, and that was fine.

I got fired from that club, and didn't see Cassie for I guess about three or four months. I still thought about her on and off, and it weirded me out. Fuck, it still weirds me out, but we're not done with the story.

I come in to the club again with my friend Dani, we're just there as customers, getting drunk and getting rowdy. I got some dances from Diana, and we talked a little while, some of which included my newly acclaimed meth problem. Diana knew I did meth while I still worked at that club, but it had turned into doing it once every couple of weeks to two or three times a week, and therefor I started to refer to it as a problem rather than a recreational thing.

I went to go get a dance from Cassie before I left, but she refused to dance for me. I was drunk, high, and confused. She sat on my lap and refused to let me move, and slapped me in the face.

"What the fuck...?!"

"That's for being a fucking idiot, Mary."

I delivered a message to her earlier from a mutual friend we had, that she knew had a huge dope problem. I told her casually that's how we met. Hence why I got slapped. And not once mind you, it happened a lot during our conversation, aka her lecture.

She used my real name alot in the lecture, and it slightly weirded me out. I doubted she even remembered it, and I asked alot why the fuck she cared.. it was just... odd. The last thing I expected from her was to refuse to take my money and would rather sit there and tell me how much she's seen me decline since I left, and that I can do so much better in my life.

Diana slapped me later too, after I told her what happened in my confused state, and asked her why the fuck she didn't slap me, after all we used to be in a relationship and me and Cassie were barely scratching the friend line. She just slapped me and asked if that was better. No, of course not, but Diana was never really good at the emotional things, just physical.

Anyway the ENTIRE point of my long winded explination is that I still think about her. I still dream about her, rarely sexually though, she just seems to be there. Hell even earlier today I was talking to this hot ass dancer and when she spoke to me her voice sounded exactly like Cassie's. It's odd, and it makes me feel weird and slightly uncomfortable. I just don't understand how I woman I had no relationship nor sexual relations with, keeps popping up in my mind. It weirds me out because I feel like some kind of stalker... only like, mentally. I hate it, and don't know why it happens or how to fix it.

I seriously need a therapist.

Anyway, onto the dream, the first part consisted of Cassie being in it, and all I remember is that she was with a friend, whom I can't remember, and somehow paint dripped on my head, and she left her cell phone. Yes, pointless, but I still wanted to analyze the whole... thing, earlier.

My REAL point about the dream was this.

I was driving with a new friend I guess I met at a club, and we were going to work, but we got lost. I remember seeing a truck pull off to the side of the road, and then suddenly my friend did too. I asked why, but before she answered the passenger door was opened and two men started grabbing at me.

I screamed, I kicked one in the face as another groped me roughly, trying to tear off my clothes. I screamed for my friend to do something, but all she replied with was that she was sorry, and that she had to.

I got away, that I remember. I had grabbed my knife from my purse and ran as fast as I could. One caught up with me and I stabbed him in the gut. All I remember was thinking that I wasn't going to let anyone take me again like this. I stabbed him again, and again, and ran faster. Blood was all over my hands, but I didn't care. To me, these men were nothing more than animals, besides that, anyone that ever threatens my safety makes me have the automatic reaction to attack to make myself safe again.

The man stumbles, and I relize I have no where to go. I jump in the back of the car, and the other man was sitting in the drivers side. I put the knife to his throat.

"DRIVE MOTHER FUCKER OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! NOW!"

He didn't oblige. The other man was getting closer. Getting desperate, I slit the man in the drivers seat's throat. The other man was at the window now, and opening the door. I have blood all over me, but I feel savage, and I knew this other man had to die...

And then I woke up. Scared as all holy fuck, I woke up at 7:30am. I grabbed my knife in my purse and just kind of huddled on the couch. After getting my wits about me, I went to the computer and looked up dream interpertation. I had never had a dream like this, and I wanted to know why I had it.

"To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

To dream that you stab someone, indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature."

I guess the past couple days events effected me more than I thought, and I guess I wasn't over my paranoia of betrayal. It's funny, you think your past thing, and it turns out you're not.

I had more to write about work today, but I think this is long enough for now. It wasn't that interesting, unless you count the fact that both me and Dani left work tonight, on a Friday no less, with seven dollars each. That has never happened to me. Well, it has, but not for probably about six months. Yeah everyone has their bad days, but today was just horrible.

I'll leave it at that.

Labels: confusion, crushes, dream interpertaion, dreams, fear, haunting, lesbian, paranoia, past, rape, stabbing, strippers

I’ve been refraining from writing in here for a bit now. Not because I don’t have anything to write about, cause shit I really do, but maybe because I didn’t know if I was ready to tell anyone yet. For awhile it made me feel dirty, like I was doing something wrong. Which is ridiculous, because out of all the damn things I’ve done in my life, something this normal shouldn’t make me feel dirty.

Forewarning for those of you who aren’t used to my brash honesty: this will be complete TMI. Read at your own risk.

The first thing that made me feel like something was wrong with me was when I started watching porn. Alright, I know most of you are like “Seriously? Porn?” cause hi, I fucking do porn, my pussy is out there for the whole goddamn world to see, but the thing is… I never watch it. Rarely, maybe fucking once every three months. It’s not a normal thing for me, and to be honest I really don’t masturbate all the much. As fucked up as it is, I get off, and no, not literally, writing and reading fics. It doesn’t give me an actual orgasm, but sexually stimulating my mind usually does more for me in the long run. Honestly. I know I’m weird.

Okay, the second thing. It’s been often. Like every night. I don’t masturbate every night to it or anything, but sometimes I just watch it. I have no idea why. I just get the urge to. And it’s never long, maybe a half an hour at best, but it’s still become a reoccurring thing.

Third thing is, and this is the big one: it’s been straight porn. And, hi, not only straight porn, but what I tend to specifically look for is anal, double penetration, and gang bangs.

Right. See, and now you’re all like “Okkayy… yeah, wtf, you lesbian.”

Oh, it gets worse.

I’ve apparently found the sexy in rape fetishes, especially realistic rape fetish porn. By realistic I don’t mean brutal beatings and shit, but porn in which the girl actually puts up a fight, says no, stop, whatever. You have no idea how many rough sex porn people try to classify as “rape” when the girls sitting there being like “Oh, harder, I like it like that.”

Yeah, no. Rape victims don’t do that.

See, you’re all weirded out by me now. I don’t blame you. I’m freaking out myself.

Now, of course, me, being the person who has to study and analyze everything in my own life, and why I’m acting the way I’m acting, goes and looks up rape fetishes. Like, as a study. Apparently, victims of rape sometimes can develop the fetish much later in life. So okay, I don’t feel like such a weirdo on that front anymore.

But there’s still the big glaring issue here: the straight porn. The loads and loads of dicks violating girls straight porn I can’t seem to fucking stop watching.

I imagine this is how normal people feel when they start to come out of the closet. The problem with me is that I accepted from a very early age that I liked women. I’ve never had an attraction to the male species until it started to form about a year or so ago. Slowly, nothing that’s made me really even notice it. This though is hitting me like a shit ton of bricks in the face.

And it’s freaking me out.

You know all those people saying, “I don’t wanna be gay, I don’t wanna be gay”?

Yeah, I’m the opposite. I don’t want to be straight. Or technically bisexual. Trust me, I still love women, very very much. And I do still know that I will eventually spend the rest of my life with one. But this right here freaks me out. Men as an entire species freaks me out when it comes to sex with them.

Okay no, that’s not true. I’ve had sex with men for money.

Let me revise that: men, having sex with a man, for hell, maybe something seemingly even emotional, fucking makes me want to run screaming.

I can’t trust men. I just can’t. I can have men as friends, but even that’s hard for me. Mainly because they can say one thing, just one fucking thing that’s sexual towards me, manages to make me feel uncomfortable, and then I’ll always feel uncomfortable around them. But I don’t say anything, I even sometimes encourage it, because part of my sick twisted brain is convinced that that’s what I’m supposed to do.

The first time I remember doing it was when I was fourteen. He was my friend, I cared about him, had fun with him, but I knew he liked me. I was all over one of my girl friends at the time whenever I was around him, just to make the point that I didn’t like him like that without having to actually say it. But he’s flirt, I’d giggle, I’d do the shit you’re supposed to do.

Until he got me drunk and him and his TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD friend took me to the woods and molested me in his car. And I say molested just because there was no penis inserted. Other things with inserted, shit that I remember fucking hurt all to holy hell and back again. Too many god damn things.

I said “I don’t want to,” a grand total of one time in my drunken half passed out state. Middle of the woods, had no idea where the fuck I was, trashed off my ass, and that fucking instinct just takes over where you realize if you just let it happen then it can’t possibly be worse than what could happen if you try to fight.

Its sick, but that’s what happened. I told my best friend what he did, and you know what she said? “Well you must have acted like you wanted it, because he just wouldn’t do that.” He was her friend too.

Right. I never told anyone about that ever again. Fuck all of that. I probably should tell my mom, she’s hated the bastard since I first started hanging out with him. Worse when he got me into that car accident. But he’s still in jail anyway, so fat lot of good that’ll do.

Anyway, my point is, I can’t handle this whole bi-curious thing I got going on right now. I want it to stop. It freaks me out, and I don’t like it.

And yet I continue to watch this goddamn porn.

Oh and, here’s the great part: integrating my dirty little fetishes into my fanfic. God. My little anal fascination showed up in “The Intervention Job”, and my slight rape/treat me like a whore fetish showed up in “Forgotten.”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The fucking end.

Labels: fetish, porn, rape, sex, sexuality, straight

So me and Kimber started to have a very healthy yet passionate debate over Parker and Sophie and thier character arcs and stuff in the Leverage chat tonight (with Maggie, Tina, and Yu as witnesses to this whole ordeal) Unfortunately it ended up morphing into being just about Parker.

For those of you that have been reading this blog for awhile now, I have gone a little into why I love the character so much. I admire the hell out of her, and admire Beth Riesgraf for playing a character like that, to the point where it's just... really personal. There are so many things about Parker that I see in myself, except I see that Parker got it right. Parker's stronger. Parker's better. And it's just... Okay, I'll get to that afterwards.

I'm gonna post the debate, because honestly it is really interesting, and I think other's might find it interesting... until I flip out entirely at the end. Which I will explain. Fuck it. I... just don't care anymore. And really, I need to justify WHY I totally went insane in the chat. Rather not have people think I'm crazy for no reason.

Me: (talking about writing a Parker/Sophie physical fight just for the hell of it) But I don't know what the fuck would make them fight like that, and the fact that Sophie couldn't take Parker in a million years? Yeah…

Kimber: I think she could. Well....maybe not take her...but she could be a match for a LITTLE while....

Me: No she couldn't lmao. Don't kid yourself. Parker's TRAINED. Sophie? No. Ahaha

Kimber: She had to have gotten into fights before....and just when her strength starts to wane, is when Parker makes her move.

Me: While I can imagine her being STRONGER than Parker, Parker is way more skilled.

Kimber: Parker wasn't trained until ELIOT... and now they're all... how did Rogers put that?..."cross-training".... Sophie might actually be better... who knows? I just think Sophie COULD be good, IF/WHEN need be. Hand-to-hand combat is just more of a last resort for Sophie. Or in your story you could mention "Eliot's been training me, too" or something.

Maggie: Well she has been taking care of herself for a long time

Kimber: Like "When did you get so good?".... "Eliot's been training me, too".... That still wouldn’t explain WHY they're fighting, though. LMAO

Me: Parker was trained before Eliot! THE STORK JOB HELLO. Eliot didn't start training her until season 2

Kimber: I don't think that was "training" so much as "fight or flight"...the kid peeking through gave her the added "boost"... the adrenaline kicked in... she HAD to take him down to help the kids escape.

Tina: Sophie in a black sports bra type shirt with the black leggings sparring with Eliot.......... *comes back to reality* Sorry tangent thought

Kimber: I think, before Eliot, it was more....Parker could defend herself, yes....but *actual* training...no. Some people are naturally good at some things.

Me: Uh, did you not see her technique? Not many people who fight just to not be killed can do cartwheel kicky things and jumping up to hold oton a bar and yada yada… I mean most people just... don't do that.

Kimber: Parker's different, though.

Me: GAH. –headdesk- JUST LET ME BE RIGHT.

Kimber: LOL. Nope! hehe

Me: PARKER IS LIKE MY DAMN LIFE. LET ME TAKE THE WIN. DAMNIT

Kimber: I'll stick to Sophie.

Tina: "Think about when you’re father died"

Kimber: ROTFLMAO

Me: That line still doesn't make sense

Kimber: Why not? *confused* They've never specifically said how old she was when she was put in the system.

Me: Because either A) she was guessing and that’s just a weird ass thing to guess (possibly even rude) or B) Parker told her this, when Parker never showed any signs of being remotely close to Sophie, especially not where it was SUPPOSED to be placed, as the fourth episode. No way Parker would let a complete stranger know her past

Kimber: Sophie reads people for a living.

Me: You can't just read that someone’s father died.

Kimber: It's probably the "back plot" the audience will never get to see.

Me: Sophie reading people doesn't make her a mind reader.

Kimber: It's not mind reading.... but... wait... *tries to remember order now*... GAH! Aired eps or DVD eps?

Me: DVD eps

Kimber: Damn, I forget both....LOL

Me: Its supposed to be 1.04 and aired its 1.09

Kimber: Yeah, but The Wedding Job was before that.

Me: Yes, so? They didn't have any bonding scenes in that ep or any eps before that. That would make it seem like Parker would trust Sophie with that information. And no, I do not buy that she "read" it from her.

Kimber: Maybe she read something at the table.... her friend's little girl.... Parker was close to her... and it was the little girl's dad in jail... maybe Sophie saw something in Parker's eyes/body language and DID guess... just turned out her guess was correct. "Educated guess"....

Me: Beth plays Parker very well when it comes to body language and mannerisms. She also has worked out Parker's backstory on her own and plays it into how Parker’ reacts to things, so if there was something about it, Beth would have played into it physically.

Kimber: We just saw the little girl go to her mom when she said "Daddy's coming home"... We never saw any of the team. A slight hint of....longing? loathing?... something... in Parker's eyes as that scene played out that we (as an audience) didn't see.

Me: Yeah huh, the girl was on Parker's lap and they smiled and clapped. Besides, Parker has total daddy issues.

Kimber: Though I do think she killed him. LOL. Probably blew up their house, too. Hence how she knew how to do it at the foster home.

Me: But I doubt she's killed anyone or then that many people... While Parker is fucked off to hell, she's not a murderer, but she would kill in a kill or be killed situation.

Kimber: She DIDN'T kill the foster, though.

Me: But if you think she killed her father, what was to stop her from killing anyone else like her foster? Once you kill, its like a drug. Or so people say >.>

Kimber: Ugh...there was one interview where Rogers claimed the foster family wasn't home when she blew up their house.... So....ONLY killing her dad wouldn't be that many people.... just one.... and maybe a few along the way as she grew up, yeah... if she had to....

Me: No I know, and it was on his blog.

Maggie: And on the commentary

Me: No, what I'm SAYING is that if she killed him, why would she not kill her abusive foster father too? Two murders is just as good as one

Kimber: Hmm...I wouldn't know...I've never technically killed anyone. So I can't say if it's like a drug or not. LOL

Me: I’m into reading into a lot of psychological profiles on serial killers and shit... and even people that just kill once, but really when you kill its like you think your God. And you'll do it again, with less hesitation the next time. My point? Parker is not a murderer. Not that I'm saying she isn't capable, she IS.

Kimber: TOTALLY! Though...now I wonder how she'd feel.... Would it affect her? If she did/has...or maybe that's some of what did effect her? IF she did kill her dad… ARGH!!! They so need to do more flashbacks!!! LMAO

Me: She'd retreat more into herself. Her psychological issues point more towards sexual abuse than being a murderer.

Kimber: Sexual AND physical. The defense mechanism...since she can fight.

Me: Well yes, physical tends to go with sexual, rape isn't non-violent.

Kimber: Well, if the person isn't struggling... With the "let 'em do it and he'll leave you alone" mentality...

Me: Parker's a fighter. She would never lay down and take it. No, she's not that fucked off.

Kimber: Also depend on how young she was, too.

Me: Everyone has the mentality to fight, it's instinct when you become so violated And yes, after time and time again it can break a persons mentality and they just SIT THERE AND LET PEOPLE DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LET THEM TOUCH THEM AND LET THEM TAKE WHATEVER THE FUCK TEHY WANT AND DO WHAT THEY’RE TOLD AND... FUbdskjf DAMNIT! I'm FUCKING DONE! FUCK THIS CONVERSTAION! Djlshf

Kimber: If she was an infant when it started....NOT in the foster system yet....she could have grown up thinking that was normal.

Me: JUST STOP! PLEASE STOP! I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS *is trying to calm down and stop crying*

Kimber: Huh?

Me: You don't understand! Parker wouldn't... she just wouldn't TAKE THAT SHIT LIKE I DID. She's BETTER than that!

Me: Fuck, nevermind! This has gotten entirely too personal.

And that's where that ended... and I just left. I was crying and having a slight panic attack. I totally didn't want to go there. EVER. I just... I wasn't expecting that to happen and I couldn't handle it. I can't handle someone telling me Parker might not have been strong, that she might have just taken it. I CAN'T believe that, I just can't.

Parker is better than that. She's so much STRONGER than that. And yeah she's fucked off all to hell and back, but she's OKAY. She's found something she loves and she's doing and it and she does it well, she doesn't let her fucked off past effect her like I do.

I just.. it's so stupid, but I look up to that character SO MUCH for that. For me to believe that she was exactly like me? I just CAN'T. Because then what? Then who the fuck am I? Why can't I just get past all the bullshit. I have to believe she's so much stronger than I am.

And I know none of this has ever been confirmed officially. But I see it in Parker, the way she acts and stuff. I've gone into that more in other entries so I won't now but... I'm convinced she was sexually abused as a child. But one thing I love about Leverage is that they DON'T ever tell you. As fucked up as it is, Parker being abused sexually means so much to me, and maybe someone else might have a different take on her past that means just as much, you know? But this... this is so personal and I just can't... fuck. You know what I mean.

My two favorite characters Beth has ever played? Parker and Kelly/Sue in that "Without A Trace" episodes. Why? Sexual abuse. In WAT... drugs too. That was the second thing I saw of hers after Leverage... and I was like man, I adore this woman. She portrays the emotions tied to that SO WELL its INSANE. And with Parker and Kelly/Sue it was like different sides of the spectrum. Parker's strong... Kelly/Sue isn't (she changed her name, so I'm unsure of what to call her. We'll call her Sue since thats her real name). And okay, Sue was strong in her own right. She refused to have her own daughter go through what she did and ran, which was the only thing she knew how to do. Parker fights, Sue runs. But they're both legitimate responses.

I'm just... I don't know. I have a headache now. I just have to believe Parker is strong. I have to. Parker is one of the few characters on television that have made me hopeful for my own turnout. Without that? Fuck it. I mean... really. Just fuck it.

The end.

Labels: abuse, beth riesgraf, debate, leverage, parker, rape

I barely ever dream. Or rather I should say, I barely remember my dreams. When I do it tends to be random bits and pieces, like something that is probably irrelevant to the entire dream, like for instance my dream a couple nights ago that involved a purple hamster. That was the only part I remembered, though I did not remember what this hamster did, or if it was mine, or anything else of that sort.

That was not the case last night.

I got home drunk, posted the blog last night, and promptly passed out around four thirty, which is good for me considering I usually end up staying up straight through TNTs morning line up of back to back Angel and back to back Charmed.

The dream felt like I was asleep for hours, that's how much it consisted of. Of course I know dreaming changes every ninety minutes or so if your in a light sleep, and therefore cant last any longer than that, and hell it's even rare that they last over a half an hour. Or at least, that is what I've read in the past. I'm starting to actually think now that I had two different dreams, because I can't seem to remember the connection, though I was sure when I woke up that there was and it flowed into one another seamlessly.

The only thing I remember from the so called first dream would be this girl I used to work with, Cassie, was in it. Now, I had a huge crush on her when I first started working with her, back in say, April or so. I was never with her, because she was dating another woman, which I think she is still with right now. Anyway, to be honest I never figured out if I was drawn to her because of her sexual presence, or more for the fact that I wanted to be like her.

This woman was a lesbian goddess, and no, I don't use that title lightly. She was stunningly beautiful, the most amazing dancer you will ever see in your life, she was a great flirt even when she wasn't trying. She seemed to captivate or intimidate anyone around her just from her presence. Self professed straight women would gladly give up their lesbian virginities for her. She was just that fucking good. Women who never spoke to her in thier life wanted to get to know her more than anything.

I admire that, I want to be that... but I also want to tap that. It's confusing, honestly.

Damn, I'm gonna end up going into background here so the significance of her in my dream is understood. This damn entry is going to be much longer than previously anticipated, good thing I'm not intoxicated this time, it's much easier to write when sober. Surprise, surprise, I know. To be honest, I've always wanted to analyze my attraction to her, because it's something I've never expirenced before, and you'll find out why near the end. But I think that's another reason why I'm going to get very in depth with this.

Anyway, I swear the first time I ever spoke to her, I asked her out on a date. Laugh if you will, but hell I give myself huge props for having the balls to even ask. I had watched her on stage alot previously, since I find myself attracted to women that can dance well and have amazing stage presence, probably left over from when I was a hard core dancer. That dream has since faded with my will to pursue it.

Anyway, to get back on track, I asked a customer to buy me a lap dance from her. From my expirence, women that are great on stage suck at lap dances, and vise versa. She was not the case at all, and gave me the best lap dance anyone has ever given me, outside of the ones I'll get groped, made out with, or fucked during. She I guess gave me the best sensual dance, which to me deserves alot more props.

Afterwards I know I asked her out for something casual. I was intimidated by her, I'll admit that. But I knew if I didn't ask and get over it than nothing was ever gonna come out of anything. You can't start a car just by staring at it, after all.

"Whenever you have a day off, I'd like to take you out to lunch or something."

I said it, and she smiled, and said that would be nice. I breathed, and thanked all the alcohol in my system for allowing me to open my mouth instead of just gawking at her like some sort of idiot.

We never did go out, and for awhile I went back to the intimidated place where I couldn't talk to her. Then I remember one day I got shitty ass drunk, we had been talking off and on for a couple weeks, innocent flirting I guess, and I pinned her up against the wall by the DJ booth. I wish I could remember what I said, but I don't. All I remember is that my friend at the time, Crystal, later said in a sort of shocked awe that she looked intimidated, and that she's never seen her look intimidated by any woman in her life.

I didn't understand it, but it gave me an ego boost. But then again, what doesn't anymore? Point being, I intimidated her. Flirting went on for months, we started doing double dances together and I remember one day we had a customer in VIP give us both four hundred dollars each to just dance for each other. We did nothing explicitly sexual, no kissing, no touching outside the normal double dance ranges, but it was so fucking hot. We ended up having a stack of napkins on the table next to us, for clean up purposes.


I think that's why I liked her so much. She could make me so turned on that I could barely stand it, without even touching me sexually. But was even better, was that here was this lesbian goddess, and she was intimidated by ME. I remember asking her once why she was..

"I've just never had someone purse me like this before, it's usually the other way around."

"You don't like it?"

"I never said that." Smirk, of course.

Okay I'm going far too into this, anyway, I need to make my point, and quickly. Point is, she ended up getting a serious girlfriend and nothing happened. I moved on, started dating another woman there named Diana, though still obviously had an attraction to Cassie, and Diana knew it. No complications arose besides the occasional smart ass remark from Diana about me wanting her, and that was fine.

I got fired from that club, and didn't see Cassie for I guess about three or four months. I still thought about her on and off, and it weirded me out. Fuck, it still weirds me out, but we're not done with the story.

I come in to the club again with my friend Dani, we're just there as customers, getting drunk and getting rowdy. I got some dances from Diana, and we talked a little while, some of which included my newly acclaimed meth problem. Diana knew I did meth while I still worked at that club, but it had turned into doing it once every couple of weeks to two or three times a week, and therefor I started to refer to it as a problem rather than a recreational thing.

I went to go get a dance from Cassie before I left, but she refused to dance for me. I was drunk, high, and confused. She sat on my lap and refused to let me move, and slapped me in the face.

"What the fuck...?!"

"That's for being a fucking idiot, Mary."

I delivered a message to her earlier from a mutual friend we had, that she knew had a huge dope problem. I told her casually that's how we met. Hence why I got slapped. And not once mind you, it happened a lot during our conversation, aka her lecture.

She used my real name alot in the lecture, and it slightly weirded me out. I doubted she even remembered it, and I asked alot why the fuck she cared.. it was just... odd. The last thing I expected from her was to refuse to take my money and would rather sit there and tell me how much she's seen me decline since I left, and that I can do so much better in my life.

Diana slapped me later too, after I told her what happened in my confused state, and asked her why the fuck she didn't slap me, after all we used to be in a relationship and me and Cassie were barely scratching the friend line. She just slapped me and asked if that was better. No, of course not, but Diana was never really good at the emotional things, just physical.

Anyway the ENTIRE point of my long winded explination is that I still think about her. I still dream about her, rarely sexually though, she just seems to be there. Hell even earlier today I was talking to this hot ass dancer and when she spoke to me her voice sounded exactly like Cassie's. It's odd, and it makes me feel weird and slightly uncomfortable. I just don't understand how I woman I had no relationship nor sexual relations with, keeps popping up in my mind. It weirds me out because I feel like some kind of stalker... only like, mentally. I hate it, and don't know why it happens or how to fix it.

I seriously need a therapist.

Anyway, onto the dream, the first part consisted of Cassie being in it, and all I remember is that she was with a friend, whom I can't remember, and somehow paint dripped on my head, and she left her cell phone. Yes, pointless, but I still wanted to analyze the whole... thing, earlier.

My REAL point about the dream was this.

I was driving with a new friend I guess I met at a club, and we were going to work, but we got lost. I remember seeing a truck pull off to the side of the road, and then suddenly my friend did too. I asked why, but before she answered the passenger door was opened and two men started grabbing at me.

I screamed, I kicked one in the face as another groped me roughly, trying to tear off my clothes. I screamed for my friend to do something, but all she replied with was that she was sorry, and that she had to.

I got away, that I remember. I had grabbed my knife from my purse and ran as fast as I could. One caught up with me and I stabbed him in the gut. All I remember was thinking that I wasn't going to let anyone take me again like this. I stabbed him again, and again, and ran faster. Blood was all over my hands, but I didn't care. To me, these men were nothing more than animals, besides that, anyone that ever threatens my safety makes me have the automatic reaction to attack to make myself safe again.

The man stumbles, and I relize I have no where to go. I jump in the back of the car, and the other man was sitting in the drivers side. I put the knife to his throat.

"DRIVE MOTHER FUCKER OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! NOW!"

He didn't oblige. The other man was getting closer. Getting desperate, I slit the man in the drivers seat's throat. The other man was at the window now, and opening the door. I have blood all over me, but I feel savage, and I knew this other man had to die...

And then I woke up. Scared as all holy fuck, I woke up at 7:30am. I grabbed my knife in my purse and just kind of huddled on the couch. After getting my wits about me, I went to the computer and looked up dream interpertation. I had never had a dream like this, and I wanted to know why I had it.

"To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

To dream that you stab someone, indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature."

I guess the past couple days events effected me more than I thought, and I guess I wasn't over my paranoia of betrayal. It's funny, you think your past thing, and it turns out you're not.

I had more to write about work today, but I think this is long enough for now. It wasn't that interesting, unless you count the fact that both me and Dani left work tonight, on a Friday no less, with seven dollars each. That has never happened to me. Well, it has, but not for probably about six months. Yeah everyone has their bad days, but today was just horrible.

I'll leave it at that.

Labels: confusion, crushes, dream interpertaion, dreams, fear, haunting, lesbian, paranoia, past, rape, stabbing, strippers

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

put your cbox/shoutmix code here. max width 500px

Obsession Is The New Black
TwentyPoundsOfCrazy
RuiningYourSelfImage
Twitter
MySpace
FanFiction.Net