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Okay so I wrote this yesterday before work. And while I don't feel COMPLETELY this way today (mainly more due to me being hung over and shit and don't care about anything at all at the moment)... I was really REALLY upset yesterday. Like, bad. So because this was a big deal for me yesterday I'm still gonna post it. And yes, I do feel this way still on some kind of level, but not crazy intensely so like I did yesterday. But it's always there. Underneath or whatever.


I know I shouldn’t let shit like this get to me, but it does. I’m too sensitive, it should be a crime.

Now I feel stupid for even posting that video – do I really have no right to be insulted? Should I just take it because I’m attractive and therefore lucky? Why do I suddenly not have a right to feel what I feel?

“Fishing for compliments”… right. No, saying “I’m ugly” when I’m NOT would be fishing for compliments. I don’t need compliments; I get them all the time, and more than half the time don’t even want them. They’re all superficial and mixed with ulterior motives anyway. It’s not full of myself to know I’m pretty – it’s just a fact. Just like the sky is blue. Seriously, that’s how I see it. Just like it’s a fact that I am overweight – which then honestly bothers me when people say I’m not.

What people online fail to realize is that I’m very good at photoshop. My stomach and thighs do not look the way I present them online. I’m vain, and am not happy with my own body so I fix it. I wear a damn body shaper under my clothes too. My stomach doesn’t look the way it does in videos, I fix it cause I’m not happy with it. Hence why I’m popping diet pills all the time, I mean come on people.

And it shouldn’t bother me… this person isn’t subscribed to my videos – probably doesn’t even watch Leverage. They just subscribed to my “RuiningYourSelfImage” channel (for stalking purposes maybe? Weird) and you know what? I expect assholes there. I can deal with that for some reason. But when it’s on my Parker channel I get so offended and get really upset – hence the video about the emails I’ve gotten.

It just insulted me and I think I had the right to say something about it. I don’t need anyone to tell me that my fics/videos are good. I know people enjoy them; I get comments on them all the time. I just wanted people to be like ”They’re assholes.” Yeah, that would make me feel better. If I was fishing for anything, it’d be confirmation that it was just a rude thing to do. And yes, now I’m fishing or just hoping for people to tell me I’m right to make me feel better about doing it, and I don’t understand how one comment can just ruin everything for me. I felt better after making that video and then that comes along and I just want to take it down now.

I’m so fucking SENSITIVE. Jesus lord.

Those emails really upset me, and I’ve told some people about them and brushed them off for awhile but the last one just… really angered me so I decided to do something about it. I don’t want to be looked at like some dumb bitch who’s getting paid to advertise something.

I really REALLY love Leverage. I do. It just… upsets me that people think I’m doing what I do for other reasons.

I dunno. I wish I never put it up now. Even if I think I have a valid reason to be insulted by it all, I don’t want to be looked at like a conceited bitch.

It’s just a stupid fact. I should start doing videos with no makeup on, no fake hair, some big oversized t shirt, and just looking like ass – but I’m too vain for all of that. Wish I wasn’t.

I feel like I have no right to feel the things I do anymore.

I used to love being an attention whore online, which is why I made up the whole “Sapphire Smoke” persona or even a bit of a franchise since I make money from doing some things with that name. I’ve never been good with real life attention but online attention used to make me feel good. Mainly because I started it when I did finally realize I was pretty.

I didn’t used to always look this way guys, or at least it never seemed that way by the way people were to me. My self esteem was shot to fuck and back in middle school and high school. I was unpopular, picked on… it was a really horrible time for me, okay? I never dated, I have never in my life gotten asked to a school dance… never went to prom. I’ve never even STILL in my whole like slow danced with another person. Never. I don’t even know if I could do it. I’ve been taken out of two official dates my whole life. Two.

I don’t want to sound like a cliché, like some late bloomer or whatever, but it’s the truth. I was never anyone special as a teenager. Which is stupid, because I still pretty much looked the same, but I guess no one thought I was pretty then. No one ever told me so except my freaking mother lol. So when I moved to Texas, started modeling because for some reason people thought I’d be good at it… yeah I got really really into myself and how I looked. I never had that, so it was something new.

Yes, I still enjoy modeling. I still enjoy feeling beautiful, but I’ve begun to not like the compliments now. I already know, okay? I just enjoy looking pretty for myself now, and it really just kind of ruins it to be honked at constantly and hit on by weird strangers and I’m just… I’m so much of a loner, I always just want to be left the fuck alone, that I can’t handle it in real life. And even online it hasn’t even begun to really matter. I take those pictures because now I just… I LOVE feeling that way, even for a moment. Beauty is something, still after only four years of slowly realizing it, that I do enjoy for myself.

But that’s why the whole sapphiire YouTube channel was so catered to and my RuiningYourSelfImage one isn’t now. I was still so into it all, into all the attention, and now I’m just… not. I don’t want to be internet famous anymore, I just fucking don’t. Especially when I started to realize it can spill into my real life where I just feel uncomfortable about it all. And it even makes me feel weird now to have fans. Yeah at first it was a huge ego boost… but I feel bad for these little girls that look up to me, that think I’m fucking amazing for being a drug addicted stripper. I mean, really? I just don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to look up to someone like me.

I used to love being Sapphire Smoke, and I just don’t anymore. And it’s a big problem for many reasons. Everything online I do is under that name and online is the only place I love, the only place I really have friends. I love doing fanfic and making videos and doing my websites and if I was to completely disappear, make that NAME completely disappear… I lose a lot of stuff I worked so hard on. I’d have to disappear online. No more websites, no more fan fiction, no more twitter, no more myspace, no more anything. It would all just have to be gone.

But it bothers me, this stupid fucking name. I have something’s I have worked so hard on, that I am SO proud of… as MARY, not as Sapphire Smoke… and I can’t tell anyone online because of my stupid name and how it links to everything. Online is all I really know, it’s horrible. You know, people are reposting things I did on other sites that are all under my real full name… and I want to be like “That’s me!” and thank them for all the nice things they’re saying, because god it feels so good… but I can’t. The problem is what I made it though: I continued to use “Sapphire Smoke” in my fandoms, and I shouldn’t have. That was my own fault. Because my fandoms have nothing to do with Sapphire Smoke, they have to do with Mary.

And Sapphire Smoke ruins any chance of any television networks to ever take me seriously. I’m a huge over excited fan and I express my love of things through whatever – websites, YouTube channels, ect… and I get why I can’t link Sapphire Smoke to my real name because of that. People think I’m insane, that Sapphire Smoke is fucking insane, but I’m just passionate.

But maybe I’m stupid to think I could ever be professionally involved in television production. I’m not a very professional person now, am I?

It used to not matter when I was just a stripper, but I’m not anymore, and I have other things I wanna be – other things I wanna do in my life that I’m just crippled by because of that name and what I’ve done with it.

I guess it just upsets me because my fandoms are the one thing that I truly enjoy in life. I have so much fun doing them – but they really fuck me all up don’t they?

Even being so public in the Leverage fandom is starting to make me feel awfully uncomfortable. I used to love it, I did… a lot. It made me feel special and important and all that great shit… and while I still feel like it’s cool, there’s just parts about it that I hate now. I feel like I have to watch what I say and become this other person so I don’t look like a queer so obnoxiously and publicly. Even geeking out in my favorite fandom for me is becoming not fun. I can’t sit here and say the things I want to say because people will see them. Certain people will see them, and yet at the same time everyone will see them. Well okay not EVERYONE, but you know what I mean. A lot of people. And I just want to crawl in a hole right now.

It’s really a lot to do with Beth. Because I’m so public within there I beat up on myself HORRIBLE when I get fan girlish over her. Like I seriously get so mad at myself when I say stupid things like that publicly, mainly because 1) I hate being a fangirl in general, its something I’ll get out of my system once I meet her because then she’ll be real (I know it sounds stupid, but its how my brain works and it’s been like this with everyone I’m a fan of) and 2) I absolutely 100% in no fucking way want Beth or anyone else on the show for that matter to view me in that way. I really really would like to get her involved in the website somehow, even in a small ways, I don’t want the official title anymore due to then it would be something I’m required to do and that makes it less fun… but being the creepy fangirl that is all “OMG!” over her won’t do that.

And I need to get over it, and I WILL, I know I will which is what pisses me off more that I’m doing it now. But it’s just… I don’t know… It’s always what I do at first. And I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be the weirdo fan, I really appreciate and enjoy her work as an actress and don’t want her to feel weird around me, or hell anyone else because of that. I mean I get people feeling weird around me due to my blunt honesty and problem where my brain doesn’t connect to my mouth properly, and that’s fine because that’s just me. So I guess I feel pressured to not be like that now, the fangirl thing, which is hard for me because I share absolutely everything online. And while it’s never been a problem before, I’m paranoid as FUCK that she’ll see it somewhere. I mean she watches my channel, or has before, and I’m not guessing, I KNOW that. She’s seen my website. What else has she seen? It freaks me out now. It was way cool at first, but now it makes me question a lot of other shit.

I’m just awfully paranoid now about everything – and I just need to change myself because the publically of it. I already now feel like I’m doing too much for Beth… but at the same time I know she appreciates it, I just don’t know just how far is too far, you know? Got the website, a YouTube channel, and a fanlisting. I’ve already fucking overdone it I think, but I really am just big into completing things, having it all, and having my website for her ALWAYS be the best even if others pop up. I’m competitive in that area, bad.

This name has totally fucked me in so many ways, but to be fair on the Leverage front even if I didn’t have the name I’d still be just as public. It wasn’t due to the name, it was due to the YouTube channel at first. So… I still fucked myself anyway.

I just kinda wanna disappear. I’m probably sounding like a selfish bitch, I know a lot of other people would love to be in the position I am but I’m just so… terrified of it recently. I wish I wasn’t. But it’s been freaking me out really bad… all of it.

I mean, my fandoms are a private and personal thing. The LAST thing I want ANY of them to know is that I slash them all up to hell in fanfic and write about them having sex. And yes, I have plots, I’m not a complete pervert. I have really good plots in some and some kinda bullshit ones in others. Kinda hit or miss with me. Anyway, yeah, don’t need anyone to know that. It makes me look like a pervert, but really the reason I do them is because I don’t let laid else where, I have a lot of intense sexual energy and if there’s one thing I know how to do with everything I have in me is turn it into something creative, and it makes me happy that other people enjoy it.

But if any of them know that – I’ll die of embarrassment. That’s just… private.

I’ve been all perving out on Gina Bellman too (where did I come up with ‘perving out’? That’s such a horrible way to express that lol), which I’d rather SHE not know, but it won’t be so horrible if she does. I’m really not out to impress her, what she thinks really doesn’t matter to me. I like her work, she is an AMAZING actress… but I really won’t be too fussed if she thinks I’m weird.

Which then makes me question why the fuck I should care if Beth does.

I just feel stupid. Honestly. I don’t know this woman, but I guess it’s cause for once I want to take the only good thing about being public – having her know who I am – and try to use it for something really cool like having her involved. It would be really bad ass for me, and I don't wanna screw up that chance, you know? I mean, I don’t want to be friends with her or anything, I don’t like friends, don’t want friends except for online. I can’t handle real life friendships for some reason. So I’m not delusional or anything, I do think what I want is pretty valid and doable… but then there’s the whole… thing I hate. Fangirl bullshit publicness that is the bad part of this whole thing.

I’m going in circles. I just feel uncomfortable right now. That’s it. The end.

Labels: beauty, fandoms, haters, leverage, name, sapphire smoke

When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. The main part of it anyway was how intensely lame it is that I admire Parker, seeing as she’s fictional, but I got very in depth with that. I think I’m going to keep it because let’s face it, most people think I’m fucking insane because they don’t understand why, so let’s try again and just focus on some main points so people might actually get it, shall we?

I had many men/boys take advantage of me when I was younger. I won’t go into it more than that in this revised entry, but it completely screwed with my sexuality, and I don’t just mean being a lesbian, because my sexuality is screwed way beyond that, and ties into all my whoring and… just everything. But that’s not the point, that’s the background.

People wonder why I love abused characters, or characters that show qualities of abuse. Faith from Buffy… she got beat by her mother. That is canon, look it up.

And Parker, well I’m CONVINCED she got abused (I’m leaning very much towards sexual abuse TBH), and it’s sad because I wrote this whole thing about her and the only reason I recognize signs like that is because the same shit happened to me. Some people think I’m like intensely insightful on the character. HA! No, I’ve just lived part of that character’s life, I see myself in her more than I should.

She has a strong blatant regard to her own sexuality, so did I for a long time, before I got taught what it was doing to people and how I could use it to my own benefit. I used to never get that people looked at me that way, and just changing in front of others was another part of life. Being naked is so natural and being looked at like that is so natural (and being touched is natural – if you want to go that far) that you don’t understand anything different about it. Parker has no fucking clue what her changing in front of Hardison does for him (and while it’s usually awkward with Hardison, its cause hello, he fucking likes her). And while it’s obvious for us, it just doesn’t click for her. She never learned it was inappropriate.

And her social problems… huge factor in most cases of abuse. Most abused children don’t ever learn how to communicate properly as adults. Take me, for example. I’m okay, but there’s just times where it’s so hard to get people to understand how I think. And it reminds me of something Gina said in an interview in regards to playing Jane: the trick of acting insane is to think your sane, because all insane people do, right? Which then leads me to believe I might really be insane, because no one else understands my train of thought and yet I think it’s crystal fucking clear.

But the catch? I LOVE Parker for it, for being abused. Why? Because if she did and she came out that STRONG and that fucking BRILLIANT then why can’t I? Yeah maybe she’s a thief, and maybe it’s wicked stupid to look up to a fictional character, but I do. She might have a job that’s morally wrong, but she’s THE BEST at it. She took what was wrong with her life and used it to her advantage, and I admire the FUCK out of that.

People think Parker’s so screwed up, but I think she fixed herself so well it’s unbelievable. People think she’s crazy because she sees more truth in things than other people. She’s like a child in that aspect almost, seeing things in black and white. It either is or it isn’t. Complications only arise when people lie, ever notice that? Why I don’t do it very often. I’m one of those people that would rather hurt you now to help you rather than leave you blissfully unaware. To me that’s worse.

Did any of you notice WHEN I started the TwentyPoundOfCrazy channel? It was after The Stork Job, and there’s a reason for that. While I saw signs in Parker, I never really thought anything bad happened to her before that. I just thought she had a social disorder, was a bit off, but that was it. Why? Because she’s usually so damn HAPPY and nonchalant about everything, so how could she have had a horrible past and turn out that way? And then The Stork Job came along… and it made me realize how truly broken she is because of her experiences.

“[…] They’re going to turn out like me…”

I’m sorry, but because she broke a bit it made me love her so much more. It made me admire her a hell of a lot more. Underneath it all she still carries a lot of self hate, but she’s so damn productive, so damn focused, so damn determined to be okay that it makes me wish I could be like that. She tries SO HARD, and succeeds so fucking well (in most everything – socially she’s still behind) that I just… I want to be like that so much.

And yeah, she’s got her issues. Her interaction with the human race is permanently tainted due to everything, but that flaw doesn’t even matter in the big picture. It really, really doesn’t.

I want to be a bit off, if in the larger picture I’m still okay. And I’m just… not right now.

But you know, I’m one of those people that when I meet “celebrities” (and I do use that term loosely due to not feeling the whole ‘OMG IT’S SO AND SO!’ anymore due to Hudson being my yoga teacher, otherwise I’m sure I still would) I will never EVER tell them what their music/acting has done for me, how it’s helped me. Music wise: Christina Aguilera was significant for me from 13-16. Evanescence from 16-18. Celine Dion practically my whole life. Tell me that’s lame, and I’ll kick you in the scrotum. I love her, I do.

Faith, she helped me out a lot. Too bad I turned the name into something I despise due to my stripping activities that I won’t go into right now. You all still only know the half of it. I’m slightly a hypocrite.

I used to think Callisto helped me out so much, but in truth it was Hudson as a person that helped me out more than words can describe. Amazing woman, and I’m not just saying that. She’s someone I look up to so much, her ENERGY, her LOVE… you can just feel it. Not only that, she’ll bluntly tell me I’m being a fuck up when I am. I kind of need that.

Point? Would I EVER tell Beth how much I admire her portrayal of Parker? No. Why? Because it just seems like something everyone says, you know? “Oh you helped me so much when you played such an such or sang whatever song,” it’s really just a stupid fan thing. And to really mean it, I’d have to explain it, probably cry during it, and I just don’t cry in front of people, or at least I try not to. I don’t know Beth at all, therefore wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d feel like an idiot, but that’s mostly because I view crying as a weakness.

Plus, I’m positive she thinks I’m insane. I’m obviously one of her biggest fans (her portrayal of a drug addict/sexually abused child in Without A Trace was so fucking amazing it hurt). I mean I run her fan site, I made that YouTube channel for Parker, and while I have tried COUNTLESS times to try and contact her in regards to the website because it does need a lot of help and it would be nice if she would be involved – she hasn’t contacted me. And come on, everyone on that show knows my contact info, and if they don’t, they know where to get it or who to get it from. I’m not stupid.

But I get it, which is what aggravates me the worst. I was actually going to make a video about this on RuiningYourSelfImage… just talking about how much I HATE being a fan. I hate the way it makes people look at you. I’m not fucking insane, and it pisses me off that people think that. But if something or someone touches me in that way then yes, I will try to show my gratitude.

And I’m sorry, but it’s the only way I know how. I mean do any of you even KNOW the amount of work that was involved to get that website up and running? She had barely any info about her on the internet AT ALL. I had to gather bits and pieces from everywhere, go on MASSIVE picture hunts to get a half way decent gallery, had to find and buy/download/record/edit all the tv shows/movies she’s been in, do screencaps MYSELF ( I hate screencapping too, seriously)… I mean shit, that was at least 50+ hours of work. And that’s what I do, that’s my thank you. But people just see it as being crazy. I’m sorry I’m creative. Eat me.

It’s really either you do nothing and no one knows or you do something and people think your nuts for it. It’s not like I’d ever go up to someone screaming and being like OH MY GOD YOU’RE MY IDOL! Because that’s fucking insane and idolization is foolish, plus it reminds me of Backstreet Boys fan girls… but, okay actually honestly I wouldn’t go up to anyone at all. Per things already described. I either tell them what it means to me and possibly cry, or don’t and not cry. I chose the latter, I don’t like crying. Plus crying fans are usually labeled as more insane.

It’s like, you know when fans will go up to their favorite actress/musician or whatever, and the “celebrity” is always “grateful”… always polite, all “oh, your sweet, thank you”? But yet you know in their head that they’re weirded out by the attention? Yeah, I don’t want to do that. Ever. Because I know what they’re thinking. I’d never settle for formalities, I’d rather just not even bother. What I feel about what they might have helped me with in my life is too important to be fucked off by formalities. And admiring Parker is helping me a lot right now; it makes me try really hard to be okay. To just kind of hate it all underneath, but still accept it and move forward in life. Use it as a stepping stone.

But try is the operative word in there.

I don’t even understand much celebrity hype anymore either. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to like live and die by all those stupid magazines, now I just mock them in my head as I pass them by in the grocery store. Maybe I’ve just gotten it into my head that they’re people too – that’s probably due to Hudson as well. The media likes to pretend they’re not, like they’re gods or something.

And yeah, I still get excited sometimes over them, oh so and so looked really pretty at this award show (which I don’t watch anymore, just see pictures) that’s basically it.

I don’t do paparazzi either, out of respect. On all of my fansites I’ve had to date I haven’t and never will include paparazzi photos. Imagine having someone following you around all day with a camera, taking pictures of you with no makeup on and posting it on the internet just so everyone can be all ‘OMG’ over it. Seriously, just think about that.

The point of this whole rant, I suppose, is just that while I enjoy showing gratitude in my own little way, I don’t like the labels it puts on me. It limits everything, you know? When you’re passionate about something, and would love to help out in whatever aspect, you’re still labeled as being stark nuts because of it. And it’s because of the stereotype society has put on it, because of all the ‘fanatics’ who stalk people and god knows whatever else. People automatically assume you’re one of those types.

What celebrities fail to see, is that fans are people too. Just like most fans fail to understand that about celebrities. It always works both ways. Hence, the cycle continues.

I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I’m a person trying to say thank you to another person because their job helped me out. It’s on the same level as a person coming into a bank and thanking the man that gave them their first loan to start their own business, to move forward in their life.

Television and movies don’t make people above average human beings, and television and movie watchers don’t make people below average human beings. I really hate what media has done for us. It splits our race in half.

There are some things that due to being a fan, have helped me out tremendously. I won’t deny that, but I won’t talk about it either. But for the first time in my life, someone looked at me as a person, and what I can do creatively, rather than just see me as another insane fan, and took a chance on me. I appreciate that, more than any of you know. Probably even more than the person themself knows.

I don’t know, I’ve just been kind of holding in this “fan” rant for probably a month now, been meaning to get around to doing a video on it, probably still might because I did have an amusing scene I wanted to play out, but I just needed to express it.

We lift some people up so high that the rest of the world ends up looking like ants to them. And I’m speaking generally, here. As far as I know, Beth hasn’t turned into a snob. Then again, I don’t know anything.

And no, the whole point of this rant isn’t so I can bitch about how I haven’t talked to her. If you think that, then you’ve missed the entire point. The point, plain and simple is this: I don’t like being labeled as crazy because of my gratitude, I’m a person, and it’s how I say thank you. But the larger point is, I still won’t ever tell her what Parker’s done for me, is doing for me at the moment, because it’s too important to be just passed around in conversation.

So when I do meet her at a convention, or whenever it may be, more than likely I’ll actually stay away from her. Backwards, right? But I just don’t think I ever want to have that conversation, and face to face I tend to spit things out like word vomit or something. The only time I’d ever prefer to really talk to her would be over email or something like that, and I’d rather only ever ask her to contribute or help with input on the website, if she’d like to. That’s it.

Why? Because I don’t know her, and while she portrayed an amazing character I admire and is helping me feel better about being me, it’d be nine times of awkward to tell that to someone you don’t know.

None of you probably understand me now; I know most people would tell the person. But it’s how I feel.

It’s just too damn important.

Labels: beth riesgraf, fandoms, leverage, parker

Let's make one thing perfectly clear... I've always been this way. With my fandoms like Buffy and Xena anyway, I used to go completely overboard like what I've been doing with Parker from Leverage. I've always always done this.

So why am I suddenly getting recognized for it?

It's odd, to be honest. I do all this shit just because it makes me happy, entertains me, and keeps me off drugs apparently. Well, at least it has for over two weeks now. That will probably change in, oh, a couple days when I start to really feign. I've been able to keep it under control for the most part thus far. But I'm starting to get anxious, and it's making it hard to concentrate on the fandom stuff anymore.

Moving on though...

First, someone from Leverage contacts me.

Now, a representative of TNT contacts me.

They saw my channel and wanted to send me something Leverage related like a mug or a poster. I was like, wait, seriously? Even TNT noticed my channel? Jesus Christ lol.

Of course, I picked the poster. It's so going in my livingroom.

Hopefully next will be Beth, cause I'm still trying to find a way to get in contact with her. When I wrote back TNT I asked if they had any contact information like an email address or P.O Box, and I explained about the website deal.

We'll see.

I don't know, I'm just not used to this much exposure due to just my fan status. I mean my modeling, my porn, my stripping, my vlogs... yeah I get that. Most of it's sexual and the whole world is obsessed with sexuality.

But my obsessive fanness? Seriously?

I'm not complaining, to be honest I fucking love it. I just never expected it. I still can't quite wrap my mind around the concept.

Anyway, I'm gonna start replying to all your comments in my journal entries cause ya'll never go back and look at the comments I've noticed.

v1cious said...
those pictures are awesome. how do you find time to do all this?

oh, and i see what you're saying about TNT now. i still haven't found time to watch Leverage.

How do I find the time? Well, it all has to do with a strategic battle plan which first and formost includes not having a social life to speak of. lol.

And make the time :] The episodes are avaiable to watch and/or download online. FYI... lol.

I'm having fun currupting people into my fandom. Muhaha. Fear me.

Labels: fandoms, leverage, tnt, youtube

Okay so I wrote this yesterday before work. And while I don't feel COMPLETELY this way today (mainly more due to me being hung over and shit and don't care about anything at all at the moment)... I was really REALLY upset yesterday. Like, bad. So because this was a big deal for me yesterday I'm still gonna post it. And yes, I do feel this way still on some kind of level, but not crazy intensely so like I did yesterday. But it's always there. Underneath or whatever.


I know I shouldn’t let shit like this get to me, but it does. I’m too sensitive, it should be a crime.

Now I feel stupid for even posting that video – do I really have no right to be insulted? Should I just take it because I’m attractive and therefore lucky? Why do I suddenly not have a right to feel what I feel?

“Fishing for compliments”… right. No, saying “I’m ugly” when I’m NOT would be fishing for compliments. I don’t need compliments; I get them all the time, and more than half the time don’t even want them. They’re all superficial and mixed with ulterior motives anyway. It’s not full of myself to know I’m pretty – it’s just a fact. Just like the sky is blue. Seriously, that’s how I see it. Just like it’s a fact that I am overweight – which then honestly bothers me when people say I’m not.

What people online fail to realize is that I’m very good at photoshop. My stomach and thighs do not look the way I present them online. I’m vain, and am not happy with my own body so I fix it. I wear a damn body shaper under my clothes too. My stomach doesn’t look the way it does in videos, I fix it cause I’m not happy with it. Hence why I’m popping diet pills all the time, I mean come on people.

And it shouldn’t bother me… this person isn’t subscribed to my videos – probably doesn’t even watch Leverage. They just subscribed to my “RuiningYourSelfImage” channel (for stalking purposes maybe? Weird) and you know what? I expect assholes there. I can deal with that for some reason. But when it’s on my Parker channel I get so offended and get really upset – hence the video about the emails I’ve gotten.

It just insulted me and I think I had the right to say something about it. I don’t need anyone to tell me that my fics/videos are good. I know people enjoy them; I get comments on them all the time. I just wanted people to be like ”They’re assholes.” Yeah, that would make me feel better. If I was fishing for anything, it’d be confirmation that it was just a rude thing to do. And yes, now I’m fishing or just hoping for people to tell me I’m right to make me feel better about doing it, and I don’t understand how one comment can just ruin everything for me. I felt better after making that video and then that comes along and I just want to take it down now.

I’m so fucking SENSITIVE. Jesus lord.

Those emails really upset me, and I’ve told some people about them and brushed them off for awhile but the last one just… really angered me so I decided to do something about it. I don’t want to be looked at like some dumb bitch who’s getting paid to advertise something.

I really REALLY love Leverage. I do. It just… upsets me that people think I’m doing what I do for other reasons.

I dunno. I wish I never put it up now. Even if I think I have a valid reason to be insulted by it all, I don’t want to be looked at like a conceited bitch.

It’s just a stupid fact. I should start doing videos with no makeup on, no fake hair, some big oversized t shirt, and just looking like ass – but I’m too vain for all of that. Wish I wasn’t.

I feel like I have no right to feel the things I do anymore.

I used to love being an attention whore online, which is why I made up the whole “Sapphire Smoke” persona or even a bit of a franchise since I make money from doing some things with that name. I’ve never been good with real life attention but online attention used to make me feel good. Mainly because I started it when I did finally realize I was pretty.

I didn’t used to always look this way guys, or at least it never seemed that way by the way people were to me. My self esteem was shot to fuck and back in middle school and high school. I was unpopular, picked on… it was a really horrible time for me, okay? I never dated, I have never in my life gotten asked to a school dance… never went to prom. I’ve never even STILL in my whole like slow danced with another person. Never. I don’t even know if I could do it. I’ve been taken out of two official dates my whole life. Two.

I don’t want to sound like a cliché, like some late bloomer or whatever, but it’s the truth. I was never anyone special as a teenager. Which is stupid, because I still pretty much looked the same, but I guess no one thought I was pretty then. No one ever told me so except my freaking mother lol. So when I moved to Texas, started modeling because for some reason people thought I’d be good at it… yeah I got really really into myself and how I looked. I never had that, so it was something new.

Yes, I still enjoy modeling. I still enjoy feeling beautiful, but I’ve begun to not like the compliments now. I already know, okay? I just enjoy looking pretty for myself now, and it really just kind of ruins it to be honked at constantly and hit on by weird strangers and I’m just… I’m so much of a loner, I always just want to be left the fuck alone, that I can’t handle it in real life. And even online it hasn’t even begun to really matter. I take those pictures because now I just… I LOVE feeling that way, even for a moment. Beauty is something, still after only four years of slowly realizing it, that I do enjoy for myself.

But that’s why the whole sapphiire YouTube channel was so catered to and my RuiningYourSelfImage one isn’t now. I was still so into it all, into all the attention, and now I’m just… not. I don’t want to be internet famous anymore, I just fucking don’t. Especially when I started to realize it can spill into my real life where I just feel uncomfortable about it all. And it even makes me feel weird now to have fans. Yeah at first it was a huge ego boost… but I feel bad for these little girls that look up to me, that think I’m fucking amazing for being a drug addicted stripper. I mean, really? I just don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to look up to someone like me.

I used to love being Sapphire Smoke, and I just don’t anymore. And it’s a big problem for many reasons. Everything online I do is under that name and online is the only place I love, the only place I really have friends. I love doing fanfic and making videos and doing my websites and if I was to completely disappear, make that NAME completely disappear… I lose a lot of stuff I worked so hard on. I’d have to disappear online. No more websites, no more fan fiction, no more twitter, no more myspace, no more anything. It would all just have to be gone.

But it bothers me, this stupid fucking name. I have something’s I have worked so hard on, that I am SO proud of… as MARY, not as Sapphire Smoke… and I can’t tell anyone online because of my stupid name and how it links to everything. Online is all I really know, it’s horrible. You know, people are reposting things I did on other sites that are all under my real full name… and I want to be like “That’s me!” and thank them for all the nice things they’re saying, because god it feels so good… but I can’t. The problem is what I made it though: I continued to use “Sapphire Smoke” in my fandoms, and I shouldn’t have. That was my own fault. Because my fandoms have nothing to do with Sapphire Smoke, they have to do with Mary.

And Sapphire Smoke ruins any chance of any television networks to ever take me seriously. I’m a huge over excited fan and I express my love of things through whatever – websites, YouTube channels, ect… and I get why I can’t link Sapphire Smoke to my real name because of that. People think I’m insane, that Sapphire Smoke is fucking insane, but I’m just passionate.

But maybe I’m stupid to think I could ever be professionally involved in television production. I’m not a very professional person now, am I?

It used to not matter when I was just a stripper, but I’m not anymore, and I have other things I wanna be – other things I wanna do in my life that I’m just crippled by because of that name and what I’ve done with it.

I guess it just upsets me because my fandoms are the one thing that I truly enjoy in life. I have so much fun doing them – but they really fuck me all up don’t they?

Even being so public in the Leverage fandom is starting to make me feel awfully uncomfortable. I used to love it, I did… a lot. It made me feel special and important and all that great shit… and while I still feel like it’s cool, there’s just parts about it that I hate now. I feel like I have to watch what I say and become this other person so I don’t look like a queer so obnoxiously and publicly. Even geeking out in my favorite fandom for me is becoming not fun. I can’t sit here and say the things I want to say because people will see them. Certain people will see them, and yet at the same time everyone will see them. Well okay not EVERYONE, but you know what I mean. A lot of people. And I just want to crawl in a hole right now.

It’s really a lot to do with Beth. Because I’m so public within there I beat up on myself HORRIBLE when I get fan girlish over her. Like I seriously get so mad at myself when I say stupid things like that publicly, mainly because 1) I hate being a fangirl in general, its something I’ll get out of my system once I meet her because then she’ll be real (I know it sounds stupid, but its how my brain works and it’s been like this with everyone I’m a fan of) and 2) I absolutely 100% in no fucking way want Beth or anyone else on the show for that matter to view me in that way. I really really would like to get her involved in the website somehow, even in a small ways, I don’t want the official title anymore due to then it would be something I’m required to do and that makes it less fun… but being the creepy fangirl that is all “OMG!” over her won’t do that.

And I need to get over it, and I WILL, I know I will which is what pisses me off more that I’m doing it now. But it’s just… I don’t know… It’s always what I do at first. And I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be the weirdo fan, I really appreciate and enjoy her work as an actress and don’t want her to feel weird around me, or hell anyone else because of that. I mean I get people feeling weird around me due to my blunt honesty and problem where my brain doesn’t connect to my mouth properly, and that’s fine because that’s just me. So I guess I feel pressured to not be like that now, the fangirl thing, which is hard for me because I share absolutely everything online. And while it’s never been a problem before, I’m paranoid as FUCK that she’ll see it somewhere. I mean she watches my channel, or has before, and I’m not guessing, I KNOW that. She’s seen my website. What else has she seen? It freaks me out now. It was way cool at first, but now it makes me question a lot of other shit.

I’m just awfully paranoid now about everything – and I just need to change myself because the publically of it. I already now feel like I’m doing too much for Beth… but at the same time I know she appreciates it, I just don’t know just how far is too far, you know? Got the website, a YouTube channel, and a fanlisting. I’ve already fucking overdone it I think, but I really am just big into completing things, having it all, and having my website for her ALWAYS be the best even if others pop up. I’m competitive in that area, bad.

This name has totally fucked me in so many ways, but to be fair on the Leverage front even if I didn’t have the name I’d still be just as public. It wasn’t due to the name, it was due to the YouTube channel at first. So… I still fucked myself anyway.

I just kinda wanna disappear. I’m probably sounding like a selfish bitch, I know a lot of other people would love to be in the position I am but I’m just so… terrified of it recently. I wish I wasn’t. But it’s been freaking me out really bad… all of it.

I mean, my fandoms are a private and personal thing. The LAST thing I want ANY of them to know is that I slash them all up to hell in fanfic and write about them having sex. And yes, I have plots, I’m not a complete pervert. I have really good plots in some and some kinda bullshit ones in others. Kinda hit or miss with me. Anyway, yeah, don’t need anyone to know that. It makes me look like a pervert, but really the reason I do them is because I don’t let laid else where, I have a lot of intense sexual energy and if there’s one thing I know how to do with everything I have in me is turn it into something creative, and it makes me happy that other people enjoy it.

But if any of them know that – I’ll die of embarrassment. That’s just… private.

I’ve been all perving out on Gina Bellman too (where did I come up with ‘perving out’? That’s such a horrible way to express that lol), which I’d rather SHE not know, but it won’t be so horrible if she does. I’m really not out to impress her, what she thinks really doesn’t matter to me. I like her work, she is an AMAZING actress… but I really won’t be too fussed if she thinks I’m weird.

Which then makes me question why the fuck I should care if Beth does.

I just feel stupid. Honestly. I don’t know this woman, but I guess it’s cause for once I want to take the only good thing about being public – having her know who I am – and try to use it for something really cool like having her involved. It would be really bad ass for me, and I don't wanna screw up that chance, you know? I mean, I don’t want to be friends with her or anything, I don’t like friends, don’t want friends except for online. I can’t handle real life friendships for some reason. So I’m not delusional or anything, I do think what I want is pretty valid and doable… but then there’s the whole… thing I hate. Fangirl bullshit publicness that is the bad part of this whole thing.

I’m going in circles. I just feel uncomfortable right now. That’s it. The end.

Labels: beauty, fandoms, haters, leverage, name, sapphire smoke

When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. The main part of it anyway was how intensely lame it is that I admire Parker, seeing as she’s fictional, but I got very in depth with that. I think I’m going to keep it because let’s face it, most people think I’m fucking insane because they don’t understand why, so let’s try again and just focus on some main points so people might actually get it, shall we?

I had many men/boys take advantage of me when I was younger. I won’t go into it more than that in this revised entry, but it completely screwed with my sexuality, and I don’t just mean being a lesbian, because my sexuality is screwed way beyond that, and ties into all my whoring and… just everything. But that’s not the point, that’s the background.

People wonder why I love abused characters, or characters that show qualities of abuse. Faith from Buffy… she got beat by her mother. That is canon, look it up.

And Parker, well I’m CONVINCED she got abused (I’m leaning very much towards sexual abuse TBH), and it’s sad because I wrote this whole thing about her and the only reason I recognize signs like that is because the same shit happened to me. Some people think I’m like intensely insightful on the character. HA! No, I’ve just lived part of that character’s life, I see myself in her more than I should.

She has a strong blatant regard to her own sexuality, so did I for a long time, before I got taught what it was doing to people and how I could use it to my own benefit. I used to never get that people looked at me that way, and just changing in front of others was another part of life. Being naked is so natural and being looked at like that is so natural (and being touched is natural – if you want to go that far) that you don’t understand anything different about it. Parker has no fucking clue what her changing in front of Hardison does for him (and while it’s usually awkward with Hardison, its cause hello, he fucking likes her). And while it’s obvious for us, it just doesn’t click for her. She never learned it was inappropriate.

And her social problems… huge factor in most cases of abuse. Most abused children don’t ever learn how to communicate properly as adults. Take me, for example. I’m okay, but there’s just times where it’s so hard to get people to understand how I think. And it reminds me of something Gina said in an interview in regards to playing Jane: the trick of acting insane is to think your sane, because all insane people do, right? Which then leads me to believe I might really be insane, because no one else understands my train of thought and yet I think it’s crystal fucking clear.

But the catch? I LOVE Parker for it, for being abused. Why? Because if she did and she came out that STRONG and that fucking BRILLIANT then why can’t I? Yeah maybe she’s a thief, and maybe it’s wicked stupid to look up to a fictional character, but I do. She might have a job that’s morally wrong, but she’s THE BEST at it. She took what was wrong with her life and used it to her advantage, and I admire the FUCK out of that.

People think Parker’s so screwed up, but I think she fixed herself so well it’s unbelievable. People think she’s crazy because she sees more truth in things than other people. She’s like a child in that aspect almost, seeing things in black and white. It either is or it isn’t. Complications only arise when people lie, ever notice that? Why I don’t do it very often. I’m one of those people that would rather hurt you now to help you rather than leave you blissfully unaware. To me that’s worse.

Did any of you notice WHEN I started the TwentyPoundOfCrazy channel? It was after The Stork Job, and there’s a reason for that. While I saw signs in Parker, I never really thought anything bad happened to her before that. I just thought she had a social disorder, was a bit off, but that was it. Why? Because she’s usually so damn HAPPY and nonchalant about everything, so how could she have had a horrible past and turn out that way? And then The Stork Job came along… and it made me realize how truly broken she is because of her experiences.

“[…] They’re going to turn out like me…”

I’m sorry, but because she broke a bit it made me love her so much more. It made me admire her a hell of a lot more. Underneath it all she still carries a lot of self hate, but she’s so damn productive, so damn focused, so damn determined to be okay that it makes me wish I could be like that. She tries SO HARD, and succeeds so fucking well (in most everything – socially she’s still behind) that I just… I want to be like that so much.

And yeah, she’s got her issues. Her interaction with the human race is permanently tainted due to everything, but that flaw doesn’t even matter in the big picture. It really, really doesn’t.

I want to be a bit off, if in the larger picture I’m still okay. And I’m just… not right now.

But you know, I’m one of those people that when I meet “celebrities” (and I do use that term loosely due to not feeling the whole ‘OMG IT’S SO AND SO!’ anymore due to Hudson being my yoga teacher, otherwise I’m sure I still would) I will never EVER tell them what their music/acting has done for me, how it’s helped me. Music wise: Christina Aguilera was significant for me from 13-16. Evanescence from 16-18. Celine Dion practically my whole life. Tell me that’s lame, and I’ll kick you in the scrotum. I love her, I do.

Faith, she helped me out a lot. Too bad I turned the name into something I despise due to my stripping activities that I won’t go into right now. You all still only know the half of it. I’m slightly a hypocrite.

I used to think Callisto helped me out so much, but in truth it was Hudson as a person that helped me out more than words can describe. Amazing woman, and I’m not just saying that. She’s someone I look up to so much, her ENERGY, her LOVE… you can just feel it. Not only that, she’ll bluntly tell me I’m being a fuck up when I am. I kind of need that.

Point? Would I EVER tell Beth how much I admire her portrayal of Parker? No. Why? Because it just seems like something everyone says, you know? “Oh you helped me so much when you played such an such or sang whatever song,” it’s really just a stupid fan thing. And to really mean it, I’d have to explain it, probably cry during it, and I just don’t cry in front of people, or at least I try not to. I don’t know Beth at all, therefore wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d feel like an idiot, but that’s mostly because I view crying as a weakness.

Plus, I’m positive she thinks I’m insane. I’m obviously one of her biggest fans (her portrayal of a drug addict/sexually abused child in Without A Trace was so fucking amazing it hurt). I mean I run her fan site, I made that YouTube channel for Parker, and while I have tried COUNTLESS times to try and contact her in regards to the website because it does need a lot of help and it would be nice if she would be involved – she hasn’t contacted me. And come on, everyone on that show knows my contact info, and if they don’t, they know where to get it or who to get it from. I’m not stupid.

But I get it, which is what aggravates me the worst. I was actually going to make a video about this on RuiningYourSelfImage… just talking about how much I HATE being a fan. I hate the way it makes people look at you. I’m not fucking insane, and it pisses me off that people think that. But if something or someone touches me in that way then yes, I will try to show my gratitude.

And I’m sorry, but it’s the only way I know how. I mean do any of you even KNOW the amount of work that was involved to get that website up and running? She had barely any info about her on the internet AT ALL. I had to gather bits and pieces from everywhere, go on MASSIVE picture hunts to get a half way decent gallery, had to find and buy/download/record/edit all the tv shows/movies she’s been in, do screencaps MYSELF ( I hate screencapping too, seriously)… I mean shit, that was at least 50+ hours of work. And that’s what I do, that’s my thank you. But people just see it as being crazy. I’m sorry I’m creative. Eat me.

It’s really either you do nothing and no one knows or you do something and people think your nuts for it. It’s not like I’d ever go up to someone screaming and being like OH MY GOD YOU’RE MY IDOL! Because that’s fucking insane and idolization is foolish, plus it reminds me of Backstreet Boys fan girls… but, okay actually honestly I wouldn’t go up to anyone at all. Per things already described. I either tell them what it means to me and possibly cry, or don’t and not cry. I chose the latter, I don’t like crying. Plus crying fans are usually labeled as more insane.

It’s like, you know when fans will go up to their favorite actress/musician or whatever, and the “celebrity” is always “grateful”… always polite, all “oh, your sweet, thank you”? But yet you know in their head that they’re weirded out by the attention? Yeah, I don’t want to do that. Ever. Because I know what they’re thinking. I’d never settle for formalities, I’d rather just not even bother. What I feel about what they might have helped me with in my life is too important to be fucked off by formalities. And admiring Parker is helping me a lot right now; it makes me try really hard to be okay. To just kind of hate it all underneath, but still accept it and move forward in life. Use it as a stepping stone.

But try is the operative word in there.

I don’t even understand much celebrity hype anymore either. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to like live and die by all those stupid magazines, now I just mock them in my head as I pass them by in the grocery store. Maybe I’ve just gotten it into my head that they’re people too – that’s probably due to Hudson as well. The media likes to pretend they’re not, like they’re gods or something.

And yeah, I still get excited sometimes over them, oh so and so looked really pretty at this award show (which I don’t watch anymore, just see pictures) that’s basically it.

I don’t do paparazzi either, out of respect. On all of my fansites I’ve had to date I haven’t and never will include paparazzi photos. Imagine having someone following you around all day with a camera, taking pictures of you with no makeup on and posting it on the internet just so everyone can be all ‘OMG’ over it. Seriously, just think about that.

The point of this whole rant, I suppose, is just that while I enjoy showing gratitude in my own little way, I don’t like the labels it puts on me. It limits everything, you know? When you’re passionate about something, and would love to help out in whatever aspect, you’re still labeled as being stark nuts because of it. And it’s because of the stereotype society has put on it, because of all the ‘fanatics’ who stalk people and god knows whatever else. People automatically assume you’re one of those types.

What celebrities fail to see, is that fans are people too. Just like most fans fail to understand that about celebrities. It always works both ways. Hence, the cycle continues.

I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I’m a person trying to say thank you to another person because their job helped me out. It’s on the same level as a person coming into a bank and thanking the man that gave them their first loan to start their own business, to move forward in their life.

Television and movies don’t make people above average human beings, and television and movie watchers don’t make people below average human beings. I really hate what media has done for us. It splits our race in half.

There are some things that due to being a fan, have helped me out tremendously. I won’t deny that, but I won’t talk about it either. But for the first time in my life, someone looked at me as a person, and what I can do creatively, rather than just see me as another insane fan, and took a chance on me. I appreciate that, more than any of you know. Probably even more than the person themself knows.

I don’t know, I’ve just been kind of holding in this “fan” rant for probably a month now, been meaning to get around to doing a video on it, probably still might because I did have an amusing scene I wanted to play out, but I just needed to express it.

We lift some people up so high that the rest of the world ends up looking like ants to them. And I’m speaking generally, here. As far as I know, Beth hasn’t turned into a snob. Then again, I don’t know anything.

And no, the whole point of this rant isn’t so I can bitch about how I haven’t talked to her. If you think that, then you’ve missed the entire point. The point, plain and simple is this: I don’t like being labeled as crazy because of my gratitude, I’m a person, and it’s how I say thank you. But the larger point is, I still won’t ever tell her what Parker’s done for me, is doing for me at the moment, because it’s too important to be just passed around in conversation.

So when I do meet her at a convention, or whenever it may be, more than likely I’ll actually stay away from her. Backwards, right? But I just don’t think I ever want to have that conversation, and face to face I tend to spit things out like word vomit or something. The only time I’d ever prefer to really talk to her would be over email or something like that, and I’d rather only ever ask her to contribute or help with input on the website, if she’d like to. That’s it.

Why? Because I don’t know her, and while she portrayed an amazing character I admire and is helping me feel better about being me, it’d be nine times of awkward to tell that to someone you don’t know.

None of you probably understand me now; I know most people would tell the person. But it’s how I feel.

It’s just too damn important.

Labels: beth riesgraf, fandoms, leverage, parker

Let's make one thing perfectly clear... I've always been this way. With my fandoms like Buffy and Xena anyway, I used to go completely overboard like what I've been doing with Parker from Leverage. I've always always done this.

So why am I suddenly getting recognized for it?

It's odd, to be honest. I do all this shit just because it makes me happy, entertains me, and keeps me off drugs apparently. Well, at least it has for over two weeks now. That will probably change in, oh, a couple days when I start to really feign. I've been able to keep it under control for the most part thus far. But I'm starting to get anxious, and it's making it hard to concentrate on the fandom stuff anymore.

Moving on though...

First, someone from Leverage contacts me.

Now, a representative of TNT contacts me.

They saw my channel and wanted to send me something Leverage related like a mug or a poster. I was like, wait, seriously? Even TNT noticed my channel? Jesus Christ lol.

Of course, I picked the poster. It's so going in my livingroom.

Hopefully next will be Beth, cause I'm still trying to find a way to get in contact with her. When I wrote back TNT I asked if they had any contact information like an email address or P.O Box, and I explained about the website deal.

We'll see.

I don't know, I'm just not used to this much exposure due to just my fan status. I mean my modeling, my porn, my stripping, my vlogs... yeah I get that. Most of it's sexual and the whole world is obsessed with sexuality.

But my obsessive fanness? Seriously?

I'm not complaining, to be honest I fucking love it. I just never expected it. I still can't quite wrap my mind around the concept.

Anyway, I'm gonna start replying to all your comments in my journal entries cause ya'll never go back and look at the comments I've noticed.

v1cious said...
those pictures are awesome. how do you find time to do all this?

oh, and i see what you're saying about TNT now. i still haven't found time to watch Leverage.

How do I find the time? Well, it all has to do with a strategic battle plan which first and formost includes not having a social life to speak of. lol.

And make the time :] The episodes are avaiable to watch and/or download online. FYI... lol.

I'm having fun currupting people into my fandom. Muhaha. Fear me.

Labels: fandoms, leverage, tnt, youtube

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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