entries ● about ● links

Does anyone remember the video I made on YouTube awhile back called "I Want My Obsessions Back"?

Well, obviously I have them back. I know most people think I'm certifiably insane, getting caught up in fictional worlds, characters, or stories. What people don't seem to understand is that I am the most happiest when I am. When I don't have to focus on how much bullshit there is in life, or how while I'm managing to finally support myself in only the matter of working one day a week because I have a problem with trying to live past my means, then I'm perfectly happy.

On a side note, it also tends to be my anti-drug. Imagine that.

I have had absolutely no urges to do meth in almost the last week. I've been so caught up in being a Parker-obsessed weirdo, thus labeling me as the Crazy Parker Fanatic (not that anyone has said that, but I'm sure it's coming), that I don't want to smoke. At all.

And it's interesting really. I used to say I smoked because it got me more focused, and I could finish more tasks that way, and while it's true and maybe it would help me be even more of a crazy Leverage person, I just don't want to.

Partly, because while I can make icons/wallpapers/fan videos while I'm high, I can't focus enough to write fanfiction. I wrote a chapter of my Bellatrix one once while high, and when I was sober ended up reading it and throwing it out because it was such epic crap. When I write I'm very big on incooperating and describing a character's manerisms, quirks, facial expressions... all the little things that most people leave unnoticed. I have to fully be in the characters mind and play out the scene in my head a couple times before I can correctly and acuratly descibe what I saw in my head, because I want other people to see it too.

On the downside, however, my obsessions make me not want to do anything else but. Work? Pfft, only to get my rent and food money (cigarettes too, but that goes without saying). I only worked Friday last week. This week, I only worked Friday too. Made $500 and burned the fuck out.

I had an urge to start a Leverage blog, but I won't. I need to stop overloading myself with a bunch of projects, I tend to hang myself that way. I have the YouTube channel, which I'm doing fabulously on by the way, already ten video's up. Seven episode videos (theres only been six episodes aired, but "The Stork Job" had to be split into two parts for obvious reasons if you've seen it), two fan videos, and an introduction video by me for the channel. I'm also still in the middle of a Parker/Sophie fanfic, and as of right now have writer's block which is kicking my ass. Do you guys remember the story arc thing they used to teach you in school?

__/\__

That thing, lol. But yeah, got up to the peak, and now I'm stuck. Fail.

I should probably take a nap and fix my sleep schedule. Yesterday I got home from work, passed the fuck out drunk as hell, but then woke up three hours later and couldn't get back to sleep until 3:30pm. Hence the no working. I swear I really was planning to go... >.>

Oh, fantastic idea hitting me!

When the season is over, I'm planning on making Parker ship videos for every character (to satisfy everyone's pairings) and I think for the Parker/Eliot I want "Poker Face" cause it takes about gambling and Texas (where Eliot is from). Hm, I must make a note of that somewhere. I'm not much looking forward to the Parker/Nate video, I think that would just be icky, and don't understand the pairing at all. I can see Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, and Parker/Sophie easily, but Parker and NATE? Really? Seriously? Come on now. But whatever.

Moving along now... until next time.

Labels: drugs, eliot, fan videos, fanfiction, hardison, lady gaga, leverage, nate, obsessions, parker, poker face, sophie, youtube

I find it surprising how much I've gotten done today with being horribly sick. I keep coughing up some really gross things, and it's not very fun. I also have yet to clean my house, but um... tomorrow? I decided to take a couple days off because of my sickness, and to get all the things I need to get done, done.

I'll be back to work on Wednesday, and will probably end up working through Sunday. I have yet to decide to go back to Mainstage yet, because Ft. Worth Gentleman's is really not doing me or Dani any good right now, but we'll see.

So I woke up today with absolutely no text messages. You have no idea how wonderful that is for me right now. I usually wake up with about ten missed calls and five new texts. I did have three missed calls from Brandi, but I called her back a little later in the night.

I crawl my sick ass to the computer, and sit in the most uncomfortable computer chair in the world, and start to check my things. I go on facebook, and see that Hudson accepted my friend request. So I send her a message on her wall, pretty much saying that I was under the impression that her and computers don't mix very well, but that I was glad she was on there. And to be honest, I am now. I've gotten over the fear of Hudson knowing all my little things that I do, she knows the kind of person I am, and that I'm influenced a lot by sexuality, so I know it's no surprise for her. She wrote me back a couple minutes later with:

"keep surrendering
i send you much love
h"

Of course I was like wait, surrender to what? Sometimes I have a hard time understanding her, so I sent her a private message and asked. She explained that I need to surrender to God, or my idea of God (basically whatever I think put me on this earth), that I need to scream, cry, pray, do whatever it takes. That my addiction is ruled by my mind, and that I shouldn't surrender to it.

I attempted to grasp that concept, and kind of just left it at that. I kinda need to take what she tells me in small doses, otherwise when she overloads me I feel trapped and vulnerable and then I start to get angry at her honesty. She hasn't done the bluntly honest thing with me yet, but I'm damn sure it'll come in time.

Anyway, she leaves a couple picture comments, and then so do a bunch of my yoga friends, so when I came back I had like 14 new notifications or something, and was all overwhelmed by the large conversations on my pictures.

I'm overcome my blog music problem, if you haven't noticed. Mini YouTube videos! Good enough. And by the way, why the fuck adsense in taking over my tageboard is beyond me. Someone write some shit in there so it might go away. I've never seen that happen before.

I decided it was time for my website to get a new layout, so I made one on Photoshop. After that though, I stopped. I have yet to do the coding. I'll get there eventually though.

Later on, I decided it was time to finally do that smoking fetish video request. It was supposed to be at least 20 minutes, but it only ended up being 10. I'm going to explain to the guy that I'm sick, and I couldn't do 20 minutes. I swear, after each cigarette I stopped the video and coughed up a lung and a half. It was bad, it was getting me light headed and shit. I can't chain smoke sick, people!

Afterwards, I get a brilliant idea to do a new porn video, in the style of my lip sync music videos I did on YouTube. It was a lot of fun, even sick, and I think it turned out awesome. I have some bad ass makeup, and at the beginning I made it like how the beginning of "Poker face" starts (which is the song I did it too, have you noticed my obsession with this song yet?), with the stop, go, rewind, go, stop, thing only I'm undressing myself. Its really really bad ass. I'm proud of myself.

I wish I had some deep thoughts to post today like I did when I was all crazy and shit, but I don't. Maybe tomorrow, but lets not hold our breaths, shall we?

Labels: addiction, drugs, facebook, fetish, hudson leick, lady gaga, layout, poker face, porn, smoking, videos, websites

I swear at some point during the day I had a list of things to do, and a plan to get them all done. How do I always get myself so sidetracked? It was really simple too, anything that a fully capable adult should be able to do in a matter of the day they are awake. All I had to do was:


-Do the laundry
-Take out the trash
-Watch the series premier of Leverage
-Make the custom smoking fetish video request that just came in
-Clean the damn house

I have now been awake and functioning for, oh, probably seven or so hours. I still have another five before I need to attempt to hit the sack, but I know even within those five more hours I still won't get anything done. It wasn't a complete and total waste of my day, however. I did do the laundry and I did watch Leverage, which I recommend to all of you, it seems like it's going to be a great show.

But I somehow managed to get myself distracted with redesigning the layout for this blog, and then obsessively trying to find somewhere to host a stupid mp3 or wav file so I can embed a music player that will play the stupid song this layout is based off of (which is Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"). I honestly find it ridiculous that my hosting website for all three of my websites, while it says it will accept files that are .wav, keeps throwing me errors each time I try to upload it. I'm frustrated, and for now I give up. At least I think I do.

I also finished catching up on Bones, and am now currently up to date. I doubt any of you care, nor are as oddly obsessed with television shows like I seem to be, but it's a "yay me" moment. Honestly, I'm glad to say my obsessions are coming back. Granted they are fleeting, and not as long lasting as they used to be, but I have my moments where a week or two is completely dedicated to one thing that I love. It can be kind of bad, however. For example, yesterday I was up until ten in the morning adding to the official Bones wiki, and chatting on the forums, when I was supposed to be in bed by five am to be able to work tonight.

I also decided to get up the guts to try my hand at a Bones fanfiction. While I've liked the show for awhile, and have been a fan of the pairing of Bones (Temperance Brennan) and Angela Montenegro, I never once tried to write a fanfiction.

If you know me, you're probably asking yourself why. Anytime I ever become a fan of a slash couple, which I tell you always tends to be non canon, which even now is ridiculous because Angela is dating a woman named Roxie, so while it's still not far fetched, I still like the idea of Temperance and her together. Anyway, to get back on track, I never tried to write one because I was slightly intimidated by Bone's IQ. Yes, I'm serious. If you've seen the show, you'll know what I'm talking about. She speaks... oddly. Smart, oddly. So my point is, seeing as my IQ is not near genius level, and seeing as I know nothing about Forensic Anthropology, I kind of stayed away from it.

Yesterday I wrote a one shot Brennan/Angela fic, which I've never done. Not the paring thing, you already know I've never done that. I mean a one shot. I'm not a big believer in them. I think if you have an idea to write a story, you should at least make it a semi-decent length. My stories usually include a chapter range from ten to twenty, and have a word range of at least 15,000 up to 40,000. This was a simple little story, with 1,489 words. I posted it on fanfiction.net, and included in the disclaimer that it was just a tester story to see if I could write Dr. Brennan correctly. I honestly didn't think I did too bad, but I have yet to hear anyone else's opinion. So if you watch the show Bones, and have five minutes out of your day, check out the FanFiction.Net link on the right panel and let me know what you think of my characterization of Temperance.

Anyway, my point being with my problem with being distracted, is now after making a new layout for my blog, I feel the need to make a new layout for my website. It's been awhile since the last change, and I think it's time. Problem is, if I do it, It'll probably be up till noon, and nothing that I need to get done will get done.

Lord, someone make me understand the importance of priorities.

In other less fun news, I've just realized I'm sick. I mean I've been coughing since last night, but I figured that was just due to my smoking problem. But no, now my throat hurts like a bitch and my nose is staring to run. Great, cause you know, since I make all this money every damn day at work (note sarcasm), I can totally afford to take off work. This fails, but I'll live. And I just ate the most disgusting soup ever, why the hell was it in my cubbard?

I logged onto facebook earlier and had a "friend suggestion request". I've never gotten one of those before, but apparently someone wants me to be friends with someone else. So open it, what the hell, maybe I actually know this person and it's not another damn fan trying to integrate my facebook account, which is the only thing I have left on the internet for personal purposes.

It was Hudson.

I was like, wait, what? I saw Anita got one earlier, but I thought Hudson knew absolutely nothing about computers. Kind of reminds me of Brandi, she hounded me for hours to fix her myspace and facebook profiles when she got them. I have this thing where I hate doing things for other people that I find incredibly simple if only people would take the time to look how to do them. Lets all be independent learners like Mary, people.

Anyway, to get back on track, I friend request her. Then I stop and think about that.

Shit, I so should not have done that.

I'm sure you all are like "Why? OMG its like Hudson Leick though!" And um, yeah it is, but her celebrity status barely phases me anymore. That's not my issue. My issue is this...

Right before my YouTube was deleted, I had a video named, "Porn: Bad?" where I spoke about me doing porn, and how people tend to prosecute me because they think it's bad in some way, when I just honestly enjoy it. And I remember clearly, someone wrote a comment that said:

"Oh my god, does Hudson know about this?!"

And of course, I thought it was someone who actually knew me, and actually knew Hudson as well. So it actually bothered me a little. I was kind of snooty back, replying with something along the lines of "I don't see how it's any of your business what or what I don't I tell Hudson." Cause um, it really isn't. Especially after I found out this woman didn't know either of us.

Point is, it bothered me because I don't know if I should, or if I already did. I have this thing with oh, I don't know, not telling people everything about me, but I also conveniently like to leave out alot of shit with Hudson specifically that makes me look even lower than I'm sure she already sees me. She knows alot of my issues, and we all seen how much progress I've made in fixing them. The only thing I've done right is that I've been clean for two weeks. But god knows how long that will last.

So my point of mentioning this entire thing is that I'm scared I won't be able to hide anything anymore. She gets into my facebook, she can get into my website, or my myspace, or fuck anything else I have on the internet. I won't be able to hide behind my "I still have some problems, but I'm doing okay" thing anymore.

I think I just have this problem where I don't want to disappoint her, only because I admire her as a human being, to know (parts, anyway) of what she went through as a young adult and to see her as the woman she is now. I look up to her because I want to be like that, but I feel ridiculous because I keep feeling like I never will. Everytime I get the will to try to stop all the stupid shit and get on track it tends to fade and I go back to hitting the pipe and popping a couple tabs.

I just don't want to disappoint. And I'm pretty sure it'll suck very much to see the look in her eyes the next time I see her if she knows everything, because seeing that look from the person you look up to most in this world just seems like it'd be horrible.

You know what it reminds me of? When my sister looks at me like that. They're about the same age too, and I kind of get the same ashamed feeling when I get lectured by both of them, so I suppose it kind of fits.

And it’s stupid, because when I went through my whole paranoia episode I wished there was some way I could get in touch with Hudson. I usually don’t go there, because once again theres some things I’d rather she not know, but I just needed to speak with her then. And now it’s possible, and I’m terrified.

I’m such a confusing individual.

Labels: angela, bones, brennan, distractions, facebook, fan fiction, femslash, graphic design, hudson leick, lady gaga, launfry, leverage, music, sick, websites

Does anyone remember the video I made on YouTube awhile back called "I Want My Obsessions Back"?

Well, obviously I have them back. I know most people think I'm certifiably insane, getting caught up in fictional worlds, characters, or stories. What people don't seem to understand is that I am the most happiest when I am. When I don't have to focus on how much bullshit there is in life, or how while I'm managing to finally support myself in only the matter of working one day a week because I have a problem with trying to live past my means, then I'm perfectly happy.

On a side note, it also tends to be my anti-drug. Imagine that.

I have had absolutely no urges to do meth in almost the last week. I've been so caught up in being a Parker-obsessed weirdo, thus labeling me as the Crazy Parker Fanatic (not that anyone has said that, but I'm sure it's coming), that I don't want to smoke. At all.

And it's interesting really. I used to say I smoked because it got me more focused, and I could finish more tasks that way, and while it's true and maybe it would help me be even more of a crazy Leverage person, I just don't want to.

Partly, because while I can make icons/wallpapers/fan videos while I'm high, I can't focus enough to write fanfiction. I wrote a chapter of my Bellatrix one once while high, and when I was sober ended up reading it and throwing it out because it was such epic crap. When I write I'm very big on incooperating and describing a character's manerisms, quirks, facial expressions... all the little things that most people leave unnoticed. I have to fully be in the characters mind and play out the scene in my head a couple times before I can correctly and acuratly descibe what I saw in my head, because I want other people to see it too.

On the downside, however, my obsessions make me not want to do anything else but. Work? Pfft, only to get my rent and food money (cigarettes too, but that goes without saying). I only worked Friday last week. This week, I only worked Friday too. Made $500 and burned the fuck out.

I had an urge to start a Leverage blog, but I won't. I need to stop overloading myself with a bunch of projects, I tend to hang myself that way. I have the YouTube channel, which I'm doing fabulously on by the way, already ten video's up. Seven episode videos (theres only been six episodes aired, but "The Stork Job" had to be split into two parts for obvious reasons if you've seen it), two fan videos, and an introduction video by me for the channel. I'm also still in the middle of a Parker/Sophie fanfic, and as of right now have writer's block which is kicking my ass. Do you guys remember the story arc thing they used to teach you in school?

__/\__

That thing, lol. But yeah, got up to the peak, and now I'm stuck. Fail.

I should probably take a nap and fix my sleep schedule. Yesterday I got home from work, passed the fuck out drunk as hell, but then woke up three hours later and couldn't get back to sleep until 3:30pm. Hence the no working. I swear I really was planning to go... >.>

Oh, fantastic idea hitting me!

When the season is over, I'm planning on making Parker ship videos for every character (to satisfy everyone's pairings) and I think for the Parker/Eliot I want "Poker Face" cause it takes about gambling and Texas (where Eliot is from). Hm, I must make a note of that somewhere. I'm not much looking forward to the Parker/Nate video, I think that would just be icky, and don't understand the pairing at all. I can see Parker/Hardison, Parker/Eliot, and Parker/Sophie easily, but Parker and NATE? Really? Seriously? Come on now. But whatever.

Moving along now... until next time.

Labels: drugs, eliot, fan videos, fanfiction, hardison, lady gaga, leverage, nate, obsessions, parker, poker face, sophie, youtube

I find it surprising how much I've gotten done today with being horribly sick. I keep coughing up some really gross things, and it's not very fun. I also have yet to clean my house, but um... tomorrow? I decided to take a couple days off because of my sickness, and to get all the things I need to get done, done.

I'll be back to work on Wednesday, and will probably end up working through Sunday. I have yet to decide to go back to Mainstage yet, because Ft. Worth Gentleman's is really not doing me or Dani any good right now, but we'll see.

So I woke up today with absolutely no text messages. You have no idea how wonderful that is for me right now. I usually wake up with about ten missed calls and five new texts. I did have three missed calls from Brandi, but I called her back a little later in the night.

I crawl my sick ass to the computer, and sit in the most uncomfortable computer chair in the world, and start to check my things. I go on facebook, and see that Hudson accepted my friend request. So I send her a message on her wall, pretty much saying that I was under the impression that her and computers don't mix very well, but that I was glad she was on there. And to be honest, I am now. I've gotten over the fear of Hudson knowing all my little things that I do, she knows the kind of person I am, and that I'm influenced a lot by sexuality, so I know it's no surprise for her. She wrote me back a couple minutes later with:

"keep surrendering
i send you much love
h"

Of course I was like wait, surrender to what? Sometimes I have a hard time understanding her, so I sent her a private message and asked. She explained that I need to surrender to God, or my idea of God (basically whatever I think put me on this earth), that I need to scream, cry, pray, do whatever it takes. That my addiction is ruled by my mind, and that I shouldn't surrender to it.

I attempted to grasp that concept, and kind of just left it at that. I kinda need to take what she tells me in small doses, otherwise when she overloads me I feel trapped and vulnerable and then I start to get angry at her honesty. She hasn't done the bluntly honest thing with me yet, but I'm damn sure it'll come in time.

Anyway, she leaves a couple picture comments, and then so do a bunch of my yoga friends, so when I came back I had like 14 new notifications or something, and was all overwhelmed by the large conversations on my pictures.

I'm overcome my blog music problem, if you haven't noticed. Mini YouTube videos! Good enough. And by the way, why the fuck adsense in taking over my tageboard is beyond me. Someone write some shit in there so it might go away. I've never seen that happen before.

I decided it was time for my website to get a new layout, so I made one on Photoshop. After that though, I stopped. I have yet to do the coding. I'll get there eventually though.

Later on, I decided it was time to finally do that smoking fetish video request. It was supposed to be at least 20 minutes, but it only ended up being 10. I'm going to explain to the guy that I'm sick, and I couldn't do 20 minutes. I swear, after each cigarette I stopped the video and coughed up a lung and a half. It was bad, it was getting me light headed and shit. I can't chain smoke sick, people!

Afterwards, I get a brilliant idea to do a new porn video, in the style of my lip sync music videos I did on YouTube. It was a lot of fun, even sick, and I think it turned out awesome. I have some bad ass makeup, and at the beginning I made it like how the beginning of "Poker face" starts (which is the song I did it too, have you noticed my obsession with this song yet?), with the stop, go, rewind, go, stop, thing only I'm undressing myself. Its really really bad ass. I'm proud of myself.

I wish I had some deep thoughts to post today like I did when I was all crazy and shit, but I don't. Maybe tomorrow, but lets not hold our breaths, shall we?

Labels: addiction, drugs, facebook, fetish, hudson leick, lady gaga, layout, poker face, porn, smoking, videos, websites

I swear at some point during the day I had a list of things to do, and a plan to get them all done. How do I always get myself so sidetracked? It was really simple too, anything that a fully capable adult should be able to do in a matter of the day they are awake. All I had to do was:


-Do the laundry
-Take out the trash
-Watch the series premier of Leverage
-Make the custom smoking fetish video request that just came in
-Clean the damn house

I have now been awake and functioning for, oh, probably seven or so hours. I still have another five before I need to attempt to hit the sack, but I know even within those five more hours I still won't get anything done. It wasn't a complete and total waste of my day, however. I did do the laundry and I did watch Leverage, which I recommend to all of you, it seems like it's going to be a great show.

But I somehow managed to get myself distracted with redesigning the layout for this blog, and then obsessively trying to find somewhere to host a stupid mp3 or wav file so I can embed a music player that will play the stupid song this layout is based off of (which is Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"). I honestly find it ridiculous that my hosting website for all three of my websites, while it says it will accept files that are .wav, keeps throwing me errors each time I try to upload it. I'm frustrated, and for now I give up. At least I think I do.

I also finished catching up on Bones, and am now currently up to date. I doubt any of you care, nor are as oddly obsessed with television shows like I seem to be, but it's a "yay me" moment. Honestly, I'm glad to say my obsessions are coming back. Granted they are fleeting, and not as long lasting as they used to be, but I have my moments where a week or two is completely dedicated to one thing that I love. It can be kind of bad, however. For example, yesterday I was up until ten in the morning adding to the official Bones wiki, and chatting on the forums, when I was supposed to be in bed by five am to be able to work tonight.

I also decided to get up the guts to try my hand at a Bones fanfiction. While I've liked the show for awhile, and have been a fan of the pairing of Bones (Temperance Brennan) and Angela Montenegro, I never once tried to write a fanfiction.

If you know me, you're probably asking yourself why. Anytime I ever become a fan of a slash couple, which I tell you always tends to be non canon, which even now is ridiculous because Angela is dating a woman named Roxie, so while it's still not far fetched, I still like the idea of Temperance and her together. Anyway, to get back on track, I never tried to write one because I was slightly intimidated by Bone's IQ. Yes, I'm serious. If you've seen the show, you'll know what I'm talking about. She speaks... oddly. Smart, oddly. So my point is, seeing as my IQ is not near genius level, and seeing as I know nothing about Forensic Anthropology, I kind of stayed away from it.

Yesterday I wrote a one shot Brennan/Angela fic, which I've never done. Not the paring thing, you already know I've never done that. I mean a one shot. I'm not a big believer in them. I think if you have an idea to write a story, you should at least make it a semi-decent length. My stories usually include a chapter range from ten to twenty, and have a word range of at least 15,000 up to 40,000. This was a simple little story, with 1,489 words. I posted it on fanfiction.net, and included in the disclaimer that it was just a tester story to see if I could write Dr. Brennan correctly. I honestly didn't think I did too bad, but I have yet to hear anyone else's opinion. So if you watch the show Bones, and have five minutes out of your day, check out the FanFiction.Net link on the right panel and let me know what you think of my characterization of Temperance.

Anyway, my point being with my problem with being distracted, is now after making a new layout for my blog, I feel the need to make a new layout for my website. It's been awhile since the last change, and I think it's time. Problem is, if I do it, It'll probably be up till noon, and nothing that I need to get done will get done.

Lord, someone make me understand the importance of priorities.

In other less fun news, I've just realized I'm sick. I mean I've been coughing since last night, but I figured that was just due to my smoking problem. But no, now my throat hurts like a bitch and my nose is staring to run. Great, cause you know, since I make all this money every damn day at work (note sarcasm), I can totally afford to take off work. This fails, but I'll live. And I just ate the most disgusting soup ever, why the hell was it in my cubbard?

I logged onto facebook earlier and had a "friend suggestion request". I've never gotten one of those before, but apparently someone wants me to be friends with someone else. So open it, what the hell, maybe I actually know this person and it's not another damn fan trying to integrate my facebook account, which is the only thing I have left on the internet for personal purposes.

It was Hudson.

I was like, wait, what? I saw Anita got one earlier, but I thought Hudson knew absolutely nothing about computers. Kind of reminds me of Brandi, she hounded me for hours to fix her myspace and facebook profiles when she got them. I have this thing where I hate doing things for other people that I find incredibly simple if only people would take the time to look how to do them. Lets all be independent learners like Mary, people.

Anyway, to get back on track, I friend request her. Then I stop and think about that.

Shit, I so should not have done that.

I'm sure you all are like "Why? OMG its like Hudson Leick though!" And um, yeah it is, but her celebrity status barely phases me anymore. That's not my issue. My issue is this...

Right before my YouTube was deleted, I had a video named, "Porn: Bad?" where I spoke about me doing porn, and how people tend to prosecute me because they think it's bad in some way, when I just honestly enjoy it. And I remember clearly, someone wrote a comment that said:

"Oh my god, does Hudson know about this?!"

And of course, I thought it was someone who actually knew me, and actually knew Hudson as well. So it actually bothered me a little. I was kind of snooty back, replying with something along the lines of "I don't see how it's any of your business what or what I don't I tell Hudson." Cause um, it really isn't. Especially after I found out this woman didn't know either of us.

Point is, it bothered me because I don't know if I should, or if I already did. I have this thing with oh, I don't know, not telling people everything about me, but I also conveniently like to leave out alot of shit with Hudson specifically that makes me look even lower than I'm sure she already sees me. She knows alot of my issues, and we all seen how much progress I've made in fixing them. The only thing I've done right is that I've been clean for two weeks. But god knows how long that will last.

So my point of mentioning this entire thing is that I'm scared I won't be able to hide anything anymore. She gets into my facebook, she can get into my website, or my myspace, or fuck anything else I have on the internet. I won't be able to hide behind my "I still have some problems, but I'm doing okay" thing anymore.

I think I just have this problem where I don't want to disappoint her, only because I admire her as a human being, to know (parts, anyway) of what she went through as a young adult and to see her as the woman she is now. I look up to her because I want to be like that, but I feel ridiculous because I keep feeling like I never will. Everytime I get the will to try to stop all the stupid shit and get on track it tends to fade and I go back to hitting the pipe and popping a couple tabs.

I just don't want to disappoint. And I'm pretty sure it'll suck very much to see the look in her eyes the next time I see her if she knows everything, because seeing that look from the person you look up to most in this world just seems like it'd be horrible.

You know what it reminds me of? When my sister looks at me like that. They're about the same age too, and I kind of get the same ashamed feeling when I get lectured by both of them, so I suppose it kind of fits.

And it’s stupid, because when I went through my whole paranoia episode I wished there was some way I could get in touch with Hudson. I usually don’t go there, because once again theres some things I’d rather she not know, but I just needed to speak with her then. And now it’s possible, and I’m terrified.

I’m such a confusing individual.

Labels: angela, bones, brennan, distractions, facebook, fan fiction, femslash, graphic design, hudson leick, lady gaga, launfry, leverage, music, sick, websites

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

put your cbox/shoutmix code here. max width 500px

Obsession Is The New Black
TwentyPoundsOfCrazy
RuiningYourSelfImage
Twitter
MySpace
FanFiction.Net