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The decision to go to Dragon*Con was seriously made in about five seconds after I saw this:

@JulieBenz
Flying to atlanta for dragon con... Come by and say "hi"!

My brain stopped. I was like “Oh my god, Julie Benz is coming to Atlanta?!” and immediately shot up off my bed and ran next door, banged on Nicole’s door, and jumped around asking her to come with me. After awhile, she obliged. This was Thursday. I had never met Julie, and I’m SUCH a huge fan of hers that it was kind of a no brainer. Perfect opportunity landing on my doorstep.

On Friday we went (on four hours of sleep mind you – I can’t sleep when I get excited) and got there at 11am. Stood in line for a badge until 12:30 only to realize WE WERE IN THE WRONG LINE. So we just said fuck it. Took lots of pictures and then focused on trying to get a photo op for me with Julie without actually being part of the convention.

So after both of us smooth talking the photo op security guy, I got my photo. I asked Nicole to be in it with me, and she said she’d kind of stand to the side a bit so it would make it easier to crop her out of need be, but it only weirded out both Julie and Charisma (who was doing photo ops at the same time) due to that exchange of why she was doing what she was doing, and in the end she kind of looked like a total creeper just all off to the side randomly lol:


The rushed us in and out of the photo op so quick we barely had time to say anything to either of them. So we get home and I decide I HAVE to go back on Saturday. Nicole didn’t want to go though, so I went by myself.

I went to bed at 4am, and got up at 7:30am. Three and a half bloody hours of sleep. I seriously can’t sleep when I’m excited. Eat either. It was a whole 48 hours until I finally ate something when this was all over. Anyway, I was wearing this cute little dress that I was SO not gonna go on Marta wearing for obvious reasons, so I put on some baggy clothes over it and then just took them off when I got there. Downed about four redbulls and got on the bus, two trains, and then finally got there at 10am.

Now, the line for on site registration was so long it was a maze insides, out into the hallway, out the building, and DOWN THE STREET. Not the longest line I was in though that day, surprisingly. And it only took an hour and a half to get through. I was expecting much much longer. So I got my badge, felt wicked cool for being all legitimate this time, and went off an had me a beer. LOL.

After my beer I went and purchased a photo op for Charisma Carpenter and Tom Felton and had a bit of time to kill so I went on a hunt for where the heck they have the walk of fame. Turns out it was at the Hilton so I took the skywalk over from the Marriot (which by the way, let me add that this convention was so huge it had 45,000 guests and took over four hotels) and found it. Now it was this HUGE room with all the celebrities at their designated spots. I walked around searching for Julie cause I wanted her to sign the photo I took with her the day before and found her right next to Charisma.


So I waited in line and was all kind of nervous cause she was talking to everyone and I’m like “what the hell am I gonna say?” cause you know when you meet celebrities you want to say SOMETHING. Fucking anything. Just so you can have this tiny fangirl accomplishment of miniscule proportions lol. And you know, for someone that beats themselves up for being so fangirlish all the time, for some reason it doesn’t matter to be at conventions. I mean no, I will not go OMGILOVEYOU-fangirlscream- or anything like that, I will never do that, but I’m happy about my short conversations lol.

Really, you all should fear when I go to the Leverage convention. Oh LORD lol.

Anyway, I come up to her and hand her my picture (after handing the guy $20 for her to sign it) and she’s laughs and says “I remember this photo” and I had to explain the cropping and whatnot aha. Then she asked me if I was enjoying my time there and I said yes and that it was my first. And she was like “really?” so I told her that it was a last minute decision to come because I saw her tweet on Twitter about coming to Atlanta and that’s why I came. So she was all flattered that I came just for her lol. Anyway she told me to ask a question at the Buffy panel, but I never did. Like I would even get one in, there were a million people there.


So then I went over to Charisma. I gave her my Angel DVD to sign and she’s like “This is the 5th season” which only had one episode with her in it. And I explained to her I got everything stolen from me a couple months ago and that I just bought that one again recently and yada yada so we talked about how shitty people were and stuff for a bit. Then she saw the picture of Julie and me in my hand and was like “Aww… [laughs] I remember this.” Rofl. So then I had to explain to HER about the cropping thing… lol jeez. Nicole.


So then I saw James Marsters. So I was like oh fuck, I know I probably shouldn’t but… yeah I totally need an autograph from him. But then he was leaving for lunch, which was a suckfest. He was coming back to sign from 1-3 but at 1 was Tom Feltons panel and at 2:15 I had a photo op with him and right after that I had one with Charisma. So I was like fuck, how am I gonna fit this in?
Anyway, walked around a bit and saw Felicia Day, who I would have liked to get an autograph from but I seriously needed to limit my money. So I just took a really shitty stalker photo lol.


Tried to find Mary McDonnell (who was in Battlestar Galactica which I never saw, but she was FTW in The Closer. Omg. I adore her character on there) but I never got to see her because she was only gonna be there from 2-3 and I had photo ops then.

So 1pm rolls around and I’m in line for the Tom Felton panel. He was really funny, talked a lot about Harry/Draco slash (actually most of it was unintentional, just stuff he said sounded awfully dirty lmao. Him and Daniel in the bathroom with their wands out… yeah, lmao. Very, very dirty. He was like “god I should just stop talking” aha) But I left that a half an hour early to run to a different hotel to go get James’ autograph.

The line for his autograph was long as fuck, but I got there. He signed my Angel DVD as well and I asked him about Torchwood cause I just started getting into Doctor Who… which is brilliant by the way if any of you don’t watch it… and Torchwood is a spin off so he was explaining it and stuff and told me I had to watch it. He was a really sweet down to earth guy. Very cool to meet him. Dazzling fucking smile too. But as one of the three men I would go straight for, I would expect nothing else.


The other two are Johnny Depp and Christian Kane if any of you were wondering xD

So then it was off to another hotel to get a photo with Tom. The line was obnoxious, but I would expect nothing else. The fangirls were funny as hell, all standing on their tip toes to possibly get a peak at him taking pictures with other people in the other room. It made me giggle. Listening to my OMG THERE HE IS! –SWOON- aha. Sorry, I just found it funny.

Anyway, I get up there, tell him I’m a huge fan cause hell, I am. Of the books/movies anyway, not really of him per say though I do like his portrayal of Draco, especially in the last movie. Anyway, he spots my tattoo and says “Nice! We have a Death Eater in the house!” so that was a hell yeah I pwn the world moment for me lmao. Anyway, picture, yay, done. Honestly he just is not all that attractive in person, but oh well. I did enjoy his panel immensely. Good sense of humor.


Then I had a bit of time to kill (really like 10 minutes) before I took my photo with Charisma so I smoked a cigg, called my mom – who didn’t answer. Really, you’ve been texting/calling for weeks and the ONE time I actually call you back you don’t answer? Fail.

So I get my picture taken with Charisma, no real big story just a hug “I see you’re back” a smile.. a nice photo. Anyway, as I was leaving I saw Julie over in the corner (actually looking a bit like a creeper in the shadows lmao) on her phone so I asked her if she was tweeting and she laughed. She said no but she probably should now that I said that and we talked a bit about Twitter and how she saw an article about how people are going into internet detox therapy now and how she thinks she should go. I told her she shouldn’t aha.


Julie honestly was the highlight of the whole weekend. Not only was she my favorite actress that was there and the entire reason I decided to go in the first place, but she was genuinely nice and she was the one I talked to the most.

Anyway, had some time to kill again so I talked to my brother on the phone and squeed a bit until I went over to a panel on the Buffy Season 8 comics (which no, I haven’t read yet, but have heard ALL about, trust me. Buffy sleeps with another slayer – who ISN’T Faith (fail) and Faith is dating Giles and Xander and Dawn are now dating. Wtf is happening in the Buffyverse?! I really should read them though. There was some Q&A with the writer, and the guy who draws the comics, and the editor. Made me wanna look into it.

SO THEN IT’S THE BUFFY PANEL. I’m fucking 45 minutes early and… you ready for this? The line was so long it was across the large open hall room thing, down FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, outside, and wrapped around THREE QUARTERS OF THE BUILDING. Yeah, seriously. It was INSANE.

So needless to say, my seat was a bit shitty lol.

It was great though. Charisma is REALLY funny, which I didn’t know before. James was entertaining per usual, Julie was fun, and then poor Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy – from the freaking movie) was just sitting there feeling so out of place with all these questions. Stuff like “favorite memory you had with each other” and “favorite episode” and god… lol. I felt bad. But it was cool to see the original Buffy there.

And then by this time I was dying with my three and a half hour sleep so I went home on the stupid Marta, got myself a footlog sub, watched an episode of Burn Notice while I ate then promptly passed the fuck out.

I’m so going next year. The whole weekend. Which so much more preperation. I’m totally dressing up! XENA FTW! Did I ever tell you guys I wanna go as Alice White to the Leverage con? Lmao, dead serious. If only I can find a floral print dress that hideous… wait, its floral. I probably can.

Anyway, awesome fucking weekend. Wouldn't trade it for the world, even with my random spontaneous decision making that I usually try to avoid since they tend to all usually have bad consequences.

Vids are posted on YouTube, pictures on my Facebook. Well, the Buffy vids aren’t posted yet. I have to edit them and Final Slut Pro is being a cock muncher so those… are so gonna take a bit lol.

Labels: angela, buffy, charisma carpenter, dragon*con, harry potter, james marsters, julie benz, tom felton

I swear at some point during the day I had a list of things to do, and a plan to get them all done. How do I always get myself so sidetracked? It was really simple too, anything that a fully capable adult should be able to do in a matter of the day they are awake. All I had to do was:


-Do the laundry
-Take out the trash
-Watch the series premier of Leverage
-Make the custom smoking fetish video request that just came in
-Clean the damn house

I have now been awake and functioning for, oh, probably seven or so hours. I still have another five before I need to attempt to hit the sack, but I know even within those five more hours I still won't get anything done. It wasn't a complete and total waste of my day, however. I did do the laundry and I did watch Leverage, which I recommend to all of you, it seems like it's going to be a great show.

But I somehow managed to get myself distracted with redesigning the layout for this blog, and then obsessively trying to find somewhere to host a stupid mp3 or wav file so I can embed a music player that will play the stupid song this layout is based off of (which is Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"). I honestly find it ridiculous that my hosting website for all three of my websites, while it says it will accept files that are .wav, keeps throwing me errors each time I try to upload it. I'm frustrated, and for now I give up. At least I think I do.

I also finished catching up on Bones, and am now currently up to date. I doubt any of you care, nor are as oddly obsessed with television shows like I seem to be, but it's a "yay me" moment. Honestly, I'm glad to say my obsessions are coming back. Granted they are fleeting, and not as long lasting as they used to be, but I have my moments where a week or two is completely dedicated to one thing that I love. It can be kind of bad, however. For example, yesterday I was up until ten in the morning adding to the official Bones wiki, and chatting on the forums, when I was supposed to be in bed by five am to be able to work tonight.

I also decided to get up the guts to try my hand at a Bones fanfiction. While I've liked the show for awhile, and have been a fan of the pairing of Bones (Temperance Brennan) and Angela Montenegro, I never once tried to write a fanfiction.

If you know me, you're probably asking yourself why. Anytime I ever become a fan of a slash couple, which I tell you always tends to be non canon, which even now is ridiculous because Angela is dating a woman named Roxie, so while it's still not far fetched, I still like the idea of Temperance and her together. Anyway, to get back on track, I never tried to write one because I was slightly intimidated by Bone's IQ. Yes, I'm serious. If you've seen the show, you'll know what I'm talking about. She speaks... oddly. Smart, oddly. So my point is, seeing as my IQ is not near genius level, and seeing as I know nothing about Forensic Anthropology, I kind of stayed away from it.

Yesterday I wrote a one shot Brennan/Angela fic, which I've never done. Not the paring thing, you already know I've never done that. I mean a one shot. I'm not a big believer in them. I think if you have an idea to write a story, you should at least make it a semi-decent length. My stories usually include a chapter range from ten to twenty, and have a word range of at least 15,000 up to 40,000. This was a simple little story, with 1,489 words. I posted it on fanfiction.net, and included in the disclaimer that it was just a tester story to see if I could write Dr. Brennan correctly. I honestly didn't think I did too bad, but I have yet to hear anyone else's opinion. So if you watch the show Bones, and have five minutes out of your day, check out the FanFiction.Net link on the right panel and let me know what you think of my characterization of Temperance.

Anyway, my point being with my problem with being distracted, is now after making a new layout for my blog, I feel the need to make a new layout for my website. It's been awhile since the last change, and I think it's time. Problem is, if I do it, It'll probably be up till noon, and nothing that I need to get done will get done.

Lord, someone make me understand the importance of priorities.

In other less fun news, I've just realized I'm sick. I mean I've been coughing since last night, but I figured that was just due to my smoking problem. But no, now my throat hurts like a bitch and my nose is staring to run. Great, cause you know, since I make all this money every damn day at work (note sarcasm), I can totally afford to take off work. This fails, but I'll live. And I just ate the most disgusting soup ever, why the hell was it in my cubbard?

I logged onto facebook earlier and had a "friend suggestion request". I've never gotten one of those before, but apparently someone wants me to be friends with someone else. So open it, what the hell, maybe I actually know this person and it's not another damn fan trying to integrate my facebook account, which is the only thing I have left on the internet for personal purposes.

It was Hudson.

I was like, wait, what? I saw Anita got one earlier, but I thought Hudson knew absolutely nothing about computers. Kind of reminds me of Brandi, she hounded me for hours to fix her myspace and facebook profiles when she got them. I have this thing where I hate doing things for other people that I find incredibly simple if only people would take the time to look how to do them. Lets all be independent learners like Mary, people.

Anyway, to get back on track, I friend request her. Then I stop and think about that.

Shit, I so should not have done that.

I'm sure you all are like "Why? OMG its like Hudson Leick though!" And um, yeah it is, but her celebrity status barely phases me anymore. That's not my issue. My issue is this...

Right before my YouTube was deleted, I had a video named, "Porn: Bad?" where I spoke about me doing porn, and how people tend to prosecute me because they think it's bad in some way, when I just honestly enjoy it. And I remember clearly, someone wrote a comment that said:

"Oh my god, does Hudson know about this?!"

And of course, I thought it was someone who actually knew me, and actually knew Hudson as well. So it actually bothered me a little. I was kind of snooty back, replying with something along the lines of "I don't see how it's any of your business what or what I don't I tell Hudson." Cause um, it really isn't. Especially after I found out this woman didn't know either of us.

Point is, it bothered me because I don't know if I should, or if I already did. I have this thing with oh, I don't know, not telling people everything about me, but I also conveniently like to leave out alot of shit with Hudson specifically that makes me look even lower than I'm sure she already sees me. She knows alot of my issues, and we all seen how much progress I've made in fixing them. The only thing I've done right is that I've been clean for two weeks. But god knows how long that will last.

So my point of mentioning this entire thing is that I'm scared I won't be able to hide anything anymore. She gets into my facebook, she can get into my website, or my myspace, or fuck anything else I have on the internet. I won't be able to hide behind my "I still have some problems, but I'm doing okay" thing anymore.

I think I just have this problem where I don't want to disappoint her, only because I admire her as a human being, to know (parts, anyway) of what she went through as a young adult and to see her as the woman she is now. I look up to her because I want to be like that, but I feel ridiculous because I keep feeling like I never will. Everytime I get the will to try to stop all the stupid shit and get on track it tends to fade and I go back to hitting the pipe and popping a couple tabs.

I just don't want to disappoint. And I'm pretty sure it'll suck very much to see the look in her eyes the next time I see her if she knows everything, because seeing that look from the person you look up to most in this world just seems like it'd be horrible.

You know what it reminds me of? When my sister looks at me like that. They're about the same age too, and I kind of get the same ashamed feeling when I get lectured by both of them, so I suppose it kind of fits.

And it’s stupid, because when I went through my whole paranoia episode I wished there was some way I could get in touch with Hudson. I usually don’t go there, because once again theres some things I’d rather she not know, but I just needed to speak with her then. And now it’s possible, and I’m terrified.

I’m such a confusing individual.

Labels: angela, bones, brennan, distractions, facebook, fan fiction, femslash, graphic design, hudson leick, lady gaga, launfry, leverage, music, sick, websites

The decision to go to Dragon*Con was seriously made in about five seconds after I saw this:

@JulieBenz
Flying to atlanta for dragon con... Come by and say "hi"!

My brain stopped. I was like “Oh my god, Julie Benz is coming to Atlanta?!” and immediately shot up off my bed and ran next door, banged on Nicole’s door, and jumped around asking her to come with me. After awhile, she obliged. This was Thursday. I had never met Julie, and I’m SUCH a huge fan of hers that it was kind of a no brainer. Perfect opportunity landing on my doorstep.

On Friday we went (on four hours of sleep mind you – I can’t sleep when I get excited) and got there at 11am. Stood in line for a badge until 12:30 only to realize WE WERE IN THE WRONG LINE. So we just said fuck it. Took lots of pictures and then focused on trying to get a photo op for me with Julie without actually being part of the convention.

So after both of us smooth talking the photo op security guy, I got my photo. I asked Nicole to be in it with me, and she said she’d kind of stand to the side a bit so it would make it easier to crop her out of need be, but it only weirded out both Julie and Charisma (who was doing photo ops at the same time) due to that exchange of why she was doing what she was doing, and in the end she kind of looked like a total creeper just all off to the side randomly lol:


The rushed us in and out of the photo op so quick we barely had time to say anything to either of them. So we get home and I decide I HAVE to go back on Saturday. Nicole didn’t want to go though, so I went by myself.

I went to bed at 4am, and got up at 7:30am. Three and a half bloody hours of sleep. I seriously can’t sleep when I’m excited. Eat either. It was a whole 48 hours until I finally ate something when this was all over. Anyway, I was wearing this cute little dress that I was SO not gonna go on Marta wearing for obvious reasons, so I put on some baggy clothes over it and then just took them off when I got there. Downed about four redbulls and got on the bus, two trains, and then finally got there at 10am.

Now, the line for on site registration was so long it was a maze insides, out into the hallway, out the building, and DOWN THE STREET. Not the longest line I was in though that day, surprisingly. And it only took an hour and a half to get through. I was expecting much much longer. So I got my badge, felt wicked cool for being all legitimate this time, and went off an had me a beer. LOL.

After my beer I went and purchased a photo op for Charisma Carpenter and Tom Felton and had a bit of time to kill so I went on a hunt for where the heck they have the walk of fame. Turns out it was at the Hilton so I took the skywalk over from the Marriot (which by the way, let me add that this convention was so huge it had 45,000 guests and took over four hotels) and found it. Now it was this HUGE room with all the celebrities at their designated spots. I walked around searching for Julie cause I wanted her to sign the photo I took with her the day before and found her right next to Charisma.


So I waited in line and was all kind of nervous cause she was talking to everyone and I’m like “what the hell am I gonna say?” cause you know when you meet celebrities you want to say SOMETHING. Fucking anything. Just so you can have this tiny fangirl accomplishment of miniscule proportions lol. And you know, for someone that beats themselves up for being so fangirlish all the time, for some reason it doesn’t matter to be at conventions. I mean no, I will not go OMGILOVEYOU-fangirlscream- or anything like that, I will never do that, but I’m happy about my short conversations lol.

Really, you all should fear when I go to the Leverage convention. Oh LORD lol.

Anyway, I come up to her and hand her my picture (after handing the guy $20 for her to sign it) and she’s laughs and says “I remember this photo” and I had to explain the cropping and whatnot aha. Then she asked me if I was enjoying my time there and I said yes and that it was my first. And she was like “really?” so I told her that it was a last minute decision to come because I saw her tweet on Twitter about coming to Atlanta and that’s why I came. So she was all flattered that I came just for her lol. Anyway she told me to ask a question at the Buffy panel, but I never did. Like I would even get one in, there were a million people there.


So then I went over to Charisma. I gave her my Angel DVD to sign and she’s like “This is the 5th season” which only had one episode with her in it. And I explained to her I got everything stolen from me a couple months ago and that I just bought that one again recently and yada yada so we talked about how shitty people were and stuff for a bit. Then she saw the picture of Julie and me in my hand and was like “Aww… [laughs] I remember this.” Rofl. So then I had to explain to HER about the cropping thing… lol jeez. Nicole.


So then I saw James Marsters. So I was like oh fuck, I know I probably shouldn’t but… yeah I totally need an autograph from him. But then he was leaving for lunch, which was a suckfest. He was coming back to sign from 1-3 but at 1 was Tom Feltons panel and at 2:15 I had a photo op with him and right after that I had one with Charisma. So I was like fuck, how am I gonna fit this in?
Anyway, walked around a bit and saw Felicia Day, who I would have liked to get an autograph from but I seriously needed to limit my money. So I just took a really shitty stalker photo lol.


Tried to find Mary McDonnell (who was in Battlestar Galactica which I never saw, but she was FTW in The Closer. Omg. I adore her character on there) but I never got to see her because she was only gonna be there from 2-3 and I had photo ops then.

So 1pm rolls around and I’m in line for the Tom Felton panel. He was really funny, talked a lot about Harry/Draco slash (actually most of it was unintentional, just stuff he said sounded awfully dirty lmao. Him and Daniel in the bathroom with their wands out… yeah, lmao. Very, very dirty. He was like “god I should just stop talking” aha) But I left that a half an hour early to run to a different hotel to go get James’ autograph.

The line for his autograph was long as fuck, but I got there. He signed my Angel DVD as well and I asked him about Torchwood cause I just started getting into Doctor Who… which is brilliant by the way if any of you don’t watch it… and Torchwood is a spin off so he was explaining it and stuff and told me I had to watch it. He was a really sweet down to earth guy. Very cool to meet him. Dazzling fucking smile too. But as one of the three men I would go straight for, I would expect nothing else.


The other two are Johnny Depp and Christian Kane if any of you were wondering xD

So then it was off to another hotel to get a photo with Tom. The line was obnoxious, but I would expect nothing else. The fangirls were funny as hell, all standing on their tip toes to possibly get a peak at him taking pictures with other people in the other room. It made me giggle. Listening to my OMG THERE HE IS! –SWOON- aha. Sorry, I just found it funny.

Anyway, I get up there, tell him I’m a huge fan cause hell, I am. Of the books/movies anyway, not really of him per say though I do like his portrayal of Draco, especially in the last movie. Anyway, he spots my tattoo and says “Nice! We have a Death Eater in the house!” so that was a hell yeah I pwn the world moment for me lmao. Anyway, picture, yay, done. Honestly he just is not all that attractive in person, but oh well. I did enjoy his panel immensely. Good sense of humor.


Then I had a bit of time to kill (really like 10 minutes) before I took my photo with Charisma so I smoked a cigg, called my mom – who didn’t answer. Really, you’ve been texting/calling for weeks and the ONE time I actually call you back you don’t answer? Fail.

So I get my picture taken with Charisma, no real big story just a hug “I see you’re back” a smile.. a nice photo. Anyway, as I was leaving I saw Julie over in the corner (actually looking a bit like a creeper in the shadows lmao) on her phone so I asked her if she was tweeting and she laughed. She said no but she probably should now that I said that and we talked a bit about Twitter and how she saw an article about how people are going into internet detox therapy now and how she thinks she should go. I told her she shouldn’t aha.


Julie honestly was the highlight of the whole weekend. Not only was she my favorite actress that was there and the entire reason I decided to go in the first place, but she was genuinely nice and she was the one I talked to the most.

Anyway, had some time to kill again so I talked to my brother on the phone and squeed a bit until I went over to a panel on the Buffy Season 8 comics (which no, I haven’t read yet, but have heard ALL about, trust me. Buffy sleeps with another slayer – who ISN’T Faith (fail) and Faith is dating Giles and Xander and Dawn are now dating. Wtf is happening in the Buffyverse?! I really should read them though. There was some Q&A with the writer, and the guy who draws the comics, and the editor. Made me wanna look into it.

SO THEN IT’S THE BUFFY PANEL. I’m fucking 45 minutes early and… you ready for this? The line was so long it was across the large open hall room thing, down FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, outside, and wrapped around THREE QUARTERS OF THE BUILDING. Yeah, seriously. It was INSANE.

So needless to say, my seat was a bit shitty lol.

It was great though. Charisma is REALLY funny, which I didn’t know before. James was entertaining per usual, Julie was fun, and then poor Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy – from the freaking movie) was just sitting there feeling so out of place with all these questions. Stuff like “favorite memory you had with each other” and “favorite episode” and god… lol. I felt bad. But it was cool to see the original Buffy there.

And then by this time I was dying with my three and a half hour sleep so I went home on the stupid Marta, got myself a footlog sub, watched an episode of Burn Notice while I ate then promptly passed the fuck out.

I’m so going next year. The whole weekend. Which so much more preperation. I’m totally dressing up! XENA FTW! Did I ever tell you guys I wanna go as Alice White to the Leverage con? Lmao, dead serious. If only I can find a floral print dress that hideous… wait, its floral. I probably can.

Anyway, awesome fucking weekend. Wouldn't trade it for the world, even with my random spontaneous decision making that I usually try to avoid since they tend to all usually have bad consequences.

Vids are posted on YouTube, pictures on my Facebook. Well, the Buffy vids aren’t posted yet. I have to edit them and Final Slut Pro is being a cock muncher so those… are so gonna take a bit lol.

Labels: angela, buffy, charisma carpenter, dragon*con, harry potter, james marsters, julie benz, tom felton

I swear at some point during the day I had a list of things to do, and a plan to get them all done. How do I always get myself so sidetracked? It was really simple too, anything that a fully capable adult should be able to do in a matter of the day they are awake. All I had to do was:


-Do the laundry
-Take out the trash
-Watch the series premier of Leverage
-Make the custom smoking fetish video request that just came in
-Clean the damn house

I have now been awake and functioning for, oh, probably seven or so hours. I still have another five before I need to attempt to hit the sack, but I know even within those five more hours I still won't get anything done. It wasn't a complete and total waste of my day, however. I did do the laundry and I did watch Leverage, which I recommend to all of you, it seems like it's going to be a great show.

But I somehow managed to get myself distracted with redesigning the layout for this blog, and then obsessively trying to find somewhere to host a stupid mp3 or wav file so I can embed a music player that will play the stupid song this layout is based off of (which is Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"). I honestly find it ridiculous that my hosting website for all three of my websites, while it says it will accept files that are .wav, keeps throwing me errors each time I try to upload it. I'm frustrated, and for now I give up. At least I think I do.

I also finished catching up on Bones, and am now currently up to date. I doubt any of you care, nor are as oddly obsessed with television shows like I seem to be, but it's a "yay me" moment. Honestly, I'm glad to say my obsessions are coming back. Granted they are fleeting, and not as long lasting as they used to be, but I have my moments where a week or two is completely dedicated to one thing that I love. It can be kind of bad, however. For example, yesterday I was up until ten in the morning adding to the official Bones wiki, and chatting on the forums, when I was supposed to be in bed by five am to be able to work tonight.

I also decided to get up the guts to try my hand at a Bones fanfiction. While I've liked the show for awhile, and have been a fan of the pairing of Bones (Temperance Brennan) and Angela Montenegro, I never once tried to write a fanfiction.

If you know me, you're probably asking yourself why. Anytime I ever become a fan of a slash couple, which I tell you always tends to be non canon, which even now is ridiculous because Angela is dating a woman named Roxie, so while it's still not far fetched, I still like the idea of Temperance and her together. Anyway, to get back on track, I never tried to write one because I was slightly intimidated by Bone's IQ. Yes, I'm serious. If you've seen the show, you'll know what I'm talking about. She speaks... oddly. Smart, oddly. So my point is, seeing as my IQ is not near genius level, and seeing as I know nothing about Forensic Anthropology, I kind of stayed away from it.

Yesterday I wrote a one shot Brennan/Angela fic, which I've never done. Not the paring thing, you already know I've never done that. I mean a one shot. I'm not a big believer in them. I think if you have an idea to write a story, you should at least make it a semi-decent length. My stories usually include a chapter range from ten to twenty, and have a word range of at least 15,000 up to 40,000. This was a simple little story, with 1,489 words. I posted it on fanfiction.net, and included in the disclaimer that it was just a tester story to see if I could write Dr. Brennan correctly. I honestly didn't think I did too bad, but I have yet to hear anyone else's opinion. So if you watch the show Bones, and have five minutes out of your day, check out the FanFiction.Net link on the right panel and let me know what you think of my characterization of Temperance.

Anyway, my point being with my problem with being distracted, is now after making a new layout for my blog, I feel the need to make a new layout for my website. It's been awhile since the last change, and I think it's time. Problem is, if I do it, It'll probably be up till noon, and nothing that I need to get done will get done.

Lord, someone make me understand the importance of priorities.

In other less fun news, I've just realized I'm sick. I mean I've been coughing since last night, but I figured that was just due to my smoking problem. But no, now my throat hurts like a bitch and my nose is staring to run. Great, cause you know, since I make all this money every damn day at work (note sarcasm), I can totally afford to take off work. This fails, but I'll live. And I just ate the most disgusting soup ever, why the hell was it in my cubbard?

I logged onto facebook earlier and had a "friend suggestion request". I've never gotten one of those before, but apparently someone wants me to be friends with someone else. So open it, what the hell, maybe I actually know this person and it's not another damn fan trying to integrate my facebook account, which is the only thing I have left on the internet for personal purposes.

It was Hudson.

I was like, wait, what? I saw Anita got one earlier, but I thought Hudson knew absolutely nothing about computers. Kind of reminds me of Brandi, she hounded me for hours to fix her myspace and facebook profiles when she got them. I have this thing where I hate doing things for other people that I find incredibly simple if only people would take the time to look how to do them. Lets all be independent learners like Mary, people.

Anyway, to get back on track, I friend request her. Then I stop and think about that.

Shit, I so should not have done that.

I'm sure you all are like "Why? OMG its like Hudson Leick though!" And um, yeah it is, but her celebrity status barely phases me anymore. That's not my issue. My issue is this...

Right before my YouTube was deleted, I had a video named, "Porn: Bad?" where I spoke about me doing porn, and how people tend to prosecute me because they think it's bad in some way, when I just honestly enjoy it. And I remember clearly, someone wrote a comment that said:

"Oh my god, does Hudson know about this?!"

And of course, I thought it was someone who actually knew me, and actually knew Hudson as well. So it actually bothered me a little. I was kind of snooty back, replying with something along the lines of "I don't see how it's any of your business what or what I don't I tell Hudson." Cause um, it really isn't. Especially after I found out this woman didn't know either of us.

Point is, it bothered me because I don't know if I should, or if I already did. I have this thing with oh, I don't know, not telling people everything about me, but I also conveniently like to leave out alot of shit with Hudson specifically that makes me look even lower than I'm sure she already sees me. She knows alot of my issues, and we all seen how much progress I've made in fixing them. The only thing I've done right is that I've been clean for two weeks. But god knows how long that will last.

So my point of mentioning this entire thing is that I'm scared I won't be able to hide anything anymore. She gets into my facebook, she can get into my website, or my myspace, or fuck anything else I have on the internet. I won't be able to hide behind my "I still have some problems, but I'm doing okay" thing anymore.

I think I just have this problem where I don't want to disappoint her, only because I admire her as a human being, to know (parts, anyway) of what she went through as a young adult and to see her as the woman she is now. I look up to her because I want to be like that, but I feel ridiculous because I keep feeling like I never will. Everytime I get the will to try to stop all the stupid shit and get on track it tends to fade and I go back to hitting the pipe and popping a couple tabs.

I just don't want to disappoint. And I'm pretty sure it'll suck very much to see the look in her eyes the next time I see her if she knows everything, because seeing that look from the person you look up to most in this world just seems like it'd be horrible.

You know what it reminds me of? When my sister looks at me like that. They're about the same age too, and I kind of get the same ashamed feeling when I get lectured by both of them, so I suppose it kind of fits.

And it’s stupid, because when I went through my whole paranoia episode I wished there was some way I could get in touch with Hudson. I usually don’t go there, because once again theres some things I’d rather she not know, but I just needed to speak with her then. And now it’s possible, and I’m terrified.

I’m such a confusing individual.

Labels: angela, bones, brennan, distractions, facebook, fan fiction, femslash, graphic design, hudson leick, lady gaga, launfry, leverage, music, sick, websites

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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