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The last two days I have been working on the pilot for the A&E show Sugarloaf.

Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the name either. I didn’t ask. I’m sure it’ll make sense though, haha. I just know barely anything about the show. It’s a cop show… I think. Well, the main guy is a cop, who I guess moved from Chicago to Miami. And yeah, that is where my knowledge of the show ends, seeing as that’s all there is on IMDB. Though from what I can gather he’s got a thing for the female lead. But hey, no shock there. Haha. Especially no shock seeing as she doesn’t seem all that interested.

The main guy… I swear I’ve seen him in something before but I can’t think of it, even scanning IMBD. The female lead apparently was on “Lost” for a couple of episodes, but I don’t watch that show. Really petite little thing. Very pretty. And there’s a guy that plays a doctor (I think?) who I recognized from “Charmed” like from wayyy back in the day. He was the demon cop that killed Andy in I think the… er… first season finale? Second? Something.

It’s kind of nice to be around actors who aren’t all… I don’t know. You know like during conventions they’re all “special” and shit? They always have that air about them that makes them seem way cooler or something. Ha. I know that sounds weird, but I’m being serious. Like the actors are afraid to go up to “normal” people, or mingle in normal public. Which I mean, I still consider myself that, normal public, I mean, hello, so it was nice to not have them, I don’t know, be all snobbish and shit. But yeah, it’s not like that on set. You’re working, they’re working, and honestly you barely even look twice at the people cause you’re doing your own shit. It’s a much calmer environment. I did get to see them act once though, which was cool to watch. I was supposed to be in the scene, but my cue to walk on wasn’t until much later and it turned out they didn’t need me when the scene ended, so I got to stand on the sidelines and watch. So that was fun.

So right. Saturday I wake up at five fucking o’clock in the morning to be on set at six thirty. Cue me dying a little bit. I was nervous like hell, but I guess you always get nervous on the first day of a job. I actually walked right into it today though and felt totally comfortable, so that was good. Usually it takes me awhile to feel alright in a new environment, but I think that mainly had to do with our AWESOME PA, Tarryn. She really was the bomb. So nice. I can’t believe she really remembered all of our names, I don’t think I could ever do that. I’m horrible with names. Faces I can do, but names? Ha. No.

I was used in the first scene they did on Saturday; one in the emergency waiting room. Doubt you can see my face, I was behind a pillar, and while the main actor guy walked in behind me, I don’t think there was a camera set up there. But I just read my little brochure about, hell, what was it? I think it was an elderly home. HAHA. Not joking. Anyway, if the pilot does get picked up, maybe you’ll see my legs. Wooo my legs. ROFL.

I already knew when I came in I most likely wouldn’t be a nurse or a doctor. For one: way too young. For two: my look? Not the most professional. So I was a visitor each day. Kinda annoyed I dyed my hair for this though… clearly I didn’t need to seeing as one girl today came in with red, blonde, and black hair and tattoos all over her. So yeah. Fail. I’m mad at my hair right now.

If I’ve learned one thing though, its that I never, ever want to be an actor. HAHA. Just… hell no. Too repetitive, and being an extra blows with all the downtime. When I work I like to actually work. I can’t sit around all day, it drives me insane. You know how many episodes of Leverage I watched on my laptop during down time? A lot. Tried to write a little bit but I can’t get into it when theres a million other people around. I just can’t focus and get inside my THE (because hell, I steal the bitches) character’s heads.

But when you’re actually there doing something, it’s amazing. You know, you never actually realize how much work is put into one tiny freaking scene. I mean, this shit is crazy. With props and specific directions for the extras and god… haha… what they did outside? It’s supposed to be Florida, so they brought a bunch of palm trees, SPRAY PAINTED THE DEAD GRASS GREEN, planted flowers… I mean shit. They just went off with all of that. It was nuts. Kind of amusing seeing a bunch of green palm trees around one damn dead, pathetic looking tree xD

Uh, yeah, so anyway. The original plan of this little outing was to learn how to be a PA. Unfortunately, they shot more days then they were planning in Florida, so less here, so the producer, Paul, didn’t need me to be a PA anymore and just gave me work as an extra. He also has worked on Leverage, by the way. Which is kind of how I got this job. Kind of. It’s… okay, not complicated, but I just won’t go into it. One day I’m sure you all will realize, but that day will probably be in er… hm. I give it four months. That is if you can put two and two together LOL. Honestly I really don’t talk about a lot of the shit that has to do with Leverage, just cause of … everything. And man, especially not after this week! Leverage fans can be downright mean to me, but I’ll get into that later.

Met someone else that worked on Leverage too. Michael, I believe. I don’t remember what he did for the show, but he’s going back to film season three I guess. It was funny, cause he apparently thought I would be there too, just cause of how I got this job, but no. I have been told explicitly that I am never allowed to work on Leverage. And you know what? I’m really okay with that. Leverage is my fandom; I don’t want it to be work. It’s my fun place. I mean, I’d love to see it be filmed maybe ONCE, but just from a behind the scenes standpoint. But that’s a whole other story.

Plus, if I worked on Leverage, I can’t even begin to imagine how much shit I would get from some of the fans. It really bugs me, honestly. Okay… hell, I’ll go into this now. So yeah, ya’ll remember Dean being all OMG I HAVE SCISSORS AND I WILL CHOP OFF CHRISTIAN KANE’S BEAUTIFUL MANE [INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE]? Well I told Christian that I might have to do another protest video, and he DMed me on Twitter and told me I should do it (and you know, part of me thinks he was in this all along with Dean… sneaky people. I’m so a PAWN for drama, apparently xD) So I did it, and he said thanks to me and then RTed it on HIS Twitter… and while I got a lot of positive feedback, a few “man that bitch is crazy” (which, I’ll take, cause I am)… there was some people that were just downright horrible about it. Someone basically called me a hussy, or a slut, or whatever, another was like “wow that girl has no fucking life” and just… all this crap that, yeah, actually hurt my feelings.

I get jealousy. Trust me, I do. I’m a jealous person, but I keep everything to myself (then again, I’m into self torture, so hmph). And I get HELLA jealous when it comes to Beth. And it sucks cause people like to brag about the time they’ve spent with her to me. Which I mean, yeah, in some ways I want to know just cause I’d like to get a feel for her before I meet her myself. Which, thus far, looks like I’m not gonna get annoyed or pissed off by her, so that’s a plus LOL (and apparently everyone gets the “I like women” vibe from her as well, which hi, I so never needed to know that, really. Don’t encourage me, it’s just mean lol). I get weary of diva like behavior, only cause I’m the type to SAY something about it to their face, and I’m sure that would get me in trouble. But apparently she ain’t like that at all. But yeah, I mean, I GET that. I get jealous as hell and I stomp around and pout (metaphorically) because my five year old brain thinks it’s not fair because I’m like, whatever, her biggest fan or something. Most noticeable one, anyway. But you know what? Life isn’t fucking fair, and that’s why I don’t pitch a bitch fit to people over it. I’m nice, I listen, I’m GLAD for them. And in the end, I just hope I come out with a better story LOL.

Though, to be fair, I have a lot of bragging rights with Beth already and I have yet to even meet her, but it’s all shit I really don’t feel like I should share with… any of you. Sorry. There’s a lot of stuff in this fandom I just don’t ever fucking talk about. Mainly for my own piece of mind.

I just don’t understand why people can be mean to other people about something as stupid as that though. It wasn’t like Christian got down on one knee and asked me to fuckin’ marry him. He RTed my freaking video. And that’s cause to hate my life? Jeez. And me? I’m the type of person to get pissed off, say something, and hell I’ll throw down if you want, but at the end of the day I go home and cry myself to sleep. That’s just who I am. I’m used to hate and people talking shit when I was Sapphire Smoke, got that twenty times a fucking day on the sapphiire channel, but hell, that comes with the territory. My fandom is my safe place, you guys. It was just a slap in the face for that to happen. But moving on from THAT drama and back on topic…

Uh, right. Saturday. I ended up getting horrible stomach cramps halfway through the day, but I didn’t have to work anymore. Just more downtime. Though sitting around with stomach cramps blows monkey nuts. I could barely enjoy my damn lunch (which was fabulous, by the way) cause I was hurting so bad. Anyway, the day ended, Nicole decided that she wasn’t going to pick me up, so when I called my sister she said she would, but when I called back Nicole picked up and told me hell no. So I was like wtf bitch and was really pissed off because Marta, the bus and train thingie… yeah, it doesn’t GO in that area. I had no money for a cab, hell, I have thirteen dollars to my name right now until work on Wednesday. THIRTEEN. I can’t get to work on that either, and will have to beg Nicole for a ride. Lord.

So this woman, Hattie, says she’ll drive me to Five Points and I’ll get the train and then a bus from there. Turns out she’s a actress/director/producer, and is doing a bunch of things in Atlanta and wants to get me on board. She’s got a couple small time TV series she does, and hell, that would be AWESOME. She was really fucking cool, took me home today too. We’re gonna get together after the holidays and I’m gonna teach her how to use Final Cut Pro and Sony Vegas cause she wants to learn how to edit her own stuff.

Anyway, today, call time was 8:45am. Which wasn’t bad, though I didn’t sleep very well. But after the whole hour of GOD I HATE THE WORLD, it was actually nice to be up and doing shit during the day time. Honestly, working a twelve hour day and coming home to just chill for a couple hours before bed? God, I LOVE it. And it’s so screwed up, because right now I have no time to do any fandom stuff, which is what I do with my fucking LIFE. But it’s so damn rewarding to go to a REAL job and just… WORK. You guys have no fucking idea how happy it makes me. I was so damn NICE to my cats when I got home LOL. Usually I walk in the door and they’re attention deprived (the spoiled bastards) and are all over me and I’m like GO THE FUCK AWAY, YOU’RE ANNOYING! Though to be fair, half the time I’m fucking drunk lol.

The only scene I was in today was one that was done outside. Hi, it’s 35 freaking degrees out, and we’re all in tank tops and shorts cause it’s “Florida”. I was paired with two other girls that couldn’t have been more than twenty. Both of them were just there just because, I don’t know, they had nothing better to do that day? They were nice and all, we got along, but when it came time to roll? Okay, that scene took two hours. Lots of different shots to do; normal, wide, close ups, yada yada. We’re running back and forth resetting every ten minutes. After, hell, a half an hour, they’re bitching up a storm. “Oh my god, aren’t we done yet? It’s COLD!” Of course it’s cold, Jesus. But you’re getting paid to fucking stand out here in the cold, so just fucking do it.

And okay, honestly, how hard is it to fake talk? To fake having a conversation? These girls couldn’t do it to save their pretty little necks. And we cross right behind the actors, definitely getting into the shot, and I’m attempting to make this look somewhat realistic by pretending to talk to them and they just… ugh, fail at life. They were so still and nodded weird and it was just GOD. So yeah, that annoyed me. I don’t know, maybe it was cause I was fucking ESTASTIC to be there, to be doing the scene, SOMETHING, and they just couldn’t give a crap less. Why couldn’t I have been paired with any of the many aspiring actors? I mean, really. I don’t want to act, I don’t like to act, but hell, I can do it decently. Stripping is all about acting (well, lying, really LOL), and modeling is all about acting without speaking.

Right. Anyway. So we had a nice, full, twelve hour day. Yay. Though for ten hours I was basically doing nothing, which sucked. I can’t stress that enough. Boredom, me, hello. Also, I’ve realized I need to put Leverage episodes on my freaking phone. LOL

So I mainly watched Tarryn and what she was doing, since that’s gonna be my job come April. And really, though she basically got bossed around and yelled at all damn day… fucking I can do that. I can do that hardcore lol. Yell at me all you want, just give me something to do! lol.

I’m probably gonna be working Tuesday, but I don’t know yet. It’ll be a bar scene, and HOPEFULLY it’ll be in Atlanta, so I can take the damn bus. But yeah, this is a wicked awesome experience, and I am SOOOO grateful to my friend who set me up with this opportunity.

This is wicked long, so I guess I’ll stop now. Comments? Questions? (OMG, DAVID, FLORIDA TRIP! Hahahaha…. Okay to the rest of you, that was an inside joke to my brother LOL. Nvm)

Labels: beth riesgraf, christian kane, drama, jealousy, leverage, sugarloaf, work

I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. What I don’t understand is why I continue to take it and then have the audacity to go and tell people that they shouldn’t put up with the same type of bullshit. I pretend I’m strong, pretend I can handle shit and back again and fuckin’ around the damn corner but the truth? I’m a doormat. I have this sign on my head that says, “Please, make me think you’re a trustworthy friend, a perfect lover, whatever… and then just take the rug out from beneath my feet and throw me on my ass. It’s just too fast and too perfect that I won’t know how to handle it.”

Because I don’t.

Not that I’m getting abused now. Please don’t make that mistake. No, but because I’m not, I feel the need to make the world crumble down around myself. If no one is around to do it for me, why not do it myself, right? I’m big on “Please save me”, but at the same time… I really don’t care if anyone does. Because the flip side? Going so far down that I can’t claw my way back to the surface… that’s acceptable. I push myself into suicide all the time recently. It’s like I’m fuckin’ daring myself. Go on, just do it.

But people save me, over and over again. And while I’m thankful, another part of me hates it, mainly because I just can’t understand it. I’m like fuck, just let me fall, for the love of shit… please…

But I’m smart. I have potential. I’m fucking creative like a mother fucker and that’s all I want to do with my life. But isn’t that how creative people are though? The most creative people are insane, right? That’s just how it works.

It’s sad because I can see myself doing everything I want to do, if only I can just conquer my own demons. I need hypnotism, I think.

To move away from all of that though… I have a job coming up for the month of December. I’m going to be an extra and a part time PA for an upcoming TV show pilot that’s getting filmed here in Atlanta. Don’t ask me the name, I forget. The producer told me, I think, in our very rushed conversation, but I just can’t remember. Ha. Even if I did know it, I don’t know if I would be allowed to say. I don’t know how those things work, since it’s not actually on the air yet.

And I have another job waiting for me in April. Which, ugh, I have to learn to drive for. You all have no idea how large of a fear I have of driving. It terrifies me. But I need to learn…

And, of course, I have to talk about the Leverage convention. I got asked to be a part of it months ago. You have no idea how hard that was to keep it to myself. But anyway, I’m going to be doing a fan video screening, and there’s a possibility that I’ll be doing a Q&A panel, which honestly scared me at first, but now I’m really excited and want it to happen. I know it’ll turn into a slashfic discussion and I’m sosry, but that would just pwn the whole weekend for me. Ha. My shit ain’t on the website though, not sure if it will be, but I know it’ll be in the program schedule, whenever they release that.

I’m nervous already about meeting Beth. But… whatever. I know it won’t be bad or anything, though only because she has to be nice to me. Because career wise? Probably a stupid move to be rude or whatever else to your biggest fan. Even though its superficial, I still take small comfort in that fact. Now, if only I can manage to talk to her like a normal human being. The sad thing is, I’m sure I’ll be able to with all the other actors. Her? It’s just different. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my completely irrational make-no-goddamn-sense-cause-I-don’t-know-the-woman celebrity crush on her. I crush on the idea of her, I suppose. Not her. I don’t know how to explain it, just because I can’t do it rationally myself.

And you all know how I am with rational logic. I don’t know how to deal with things I can’t explain.

Anyway, I guess I’m just doing this because I haven’t in awhile. So, sorry this isn’t of some kind of epic standard, but whatever.

I’m surviving. Good things are coming (because I flew with the seabirds and swam with the dolphins – five points if you know what movie I’m referring to), and hell… shit will either get better or get worse. Flip a coin.

Fuckin call it.

Labels: beth riesgraf, blah, convention, extra, leverage, movie, tv show, whatever, work

Last night at work I cam to the startling conclusion that part of me enjoys being violated by strangers.

Yeah, I know how fucked up that is, trust me.

So that kind of makes me a bit depressed on who I am as a person, and how epicly screwed up my sexuality is, and how I view myself. Apparently, somewhere deep down I think I deserve being treated like a worthless whore.

Oh, my self esteem is wonderful, don’t you think?

I can’t wait until I don’t have to do this shit anymore. I can’t wait until I’m somewhat a functional member of this society. I can’t wait until I can wake up and not hate myself.

On a happier note however, because I think we all need one of those, Beth (Riesgraf, for those of you who live under a rock and don’t know my Beth!Love by now) agreed to do an interview with me via email for my website.

*this is the part where I do my little happy dance*

Apparently, badgering does pay off. Aha. Or maybe my determination, and my hope that she’s willing to give me a chance to not just be that fangirl that spams the internet with her presence in this world.

Which, I guess she is. So I’m very happy about that.

… That’s all. For now.

Labels: beth riesgraf, stripping, work

"Ma'am, can you please step out of the vehicle?"

Fuck. I'm getting arrested. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK. Hands behind my back. Cuffs on my wrists. In the cop car. My nose itches, of fucking course.

"Before we have our canine unit search the vehicle, is there anything in there that we should know about?"

Yes, my friend has dope in her wallet.

"No."

Such lies. Now she's arrested. We're so fucked off right now. Solicitation of alcohol. Seriously? That is the most bullshit charge in the world to go to jail for.

Carrolton jail.

I'm going crazy. I don't like tiny enclosed spaces. White walls. Enclosed spaces with white walls.

"The walls are screaming, can you hear it?" I ask her as I touch the wall lightly in fascination and lean in closer to hear it.

My craziness is starting to freak her out a bit. She reads the bible outloud. Like it's not going to make my craziness worse or something. RIGHT.

Cause I'm so into the whole God thing and all...

The next day when all the inmates each lunch, we all start to socialize. I never realized how socially awkward I was until that moment. I said something perfectly normal... at least I think I did. And they're laughing and looking at me like I'm weird. Wasn't that a perfectly appropriate thing to say?

I guess not.

A day and a half. My friend gets bailed out. Her bail was 4 times less than mine. My mother tells me she's not going to bail me out at all.

Great. Cause really, spending my 22nd birthday in jail was totally on my list of things to do this year.

Finally Brandi finds me. I get transferred to Tarrant county... then to Mansfield. I cry alot in Mansfield, it's dirty and disgusting and I don't belong there.

Four days later I'm out. Free.

I start this whole life changing path I want to go on. Sarai won't return my phone calls. I get pissed, but let it go for awhile. I don't need her to help me stop the drugs, and start waking up early, and take long walks... enjoy freedom. My diet gets put on hold. After all, after jail food, fuck yes I'm gonna eat what I want and enjoy every last minute of it.

Get home. Try to download Leverage because I missed the episode when I was in jail. My computer has hard drive failure and dies during the middle of it. The end, computer gone.

Then my phone shits out on me. Have to spend another $300 to get a new one.

Saturday night. Drink so much I black out the entire night. I don't remember a single thing. I've never done that. I pass out in the dressing room floor and it takes 45 minutes to wake me up apparently. When they did I took a swing at the bouncer. I wake up the next morning on someones couch. Have no idea where I am. I'm at Peaches house, thankfully.

I decide trading one addiction for another is a bad idea. I put myself on a drinking plan at work with the bar. Only a couple drinks a night.

The day before my birthday. Sarai's roomate works up at Mainstage.

"What's up with Sarai?"

"You want to truth?" she asks me.

No, I want to be lied to. Come on now. "Yes."

"Look she really likes you. Like really really likes you. She talks about you all the time. She can see herself being a relationship with you. But the drugs.. the drugs cant be apart of that."

"I've been clean for a week and a half. I've just been trying to get ahold of her." "You'll get a phone call tomorrow, promise."

She ended up being much more bluntly honest with me when she was drunk at the end of the night, slightly chewed my ass out, but I appreciated it.

I appreciate honesty.

Tuesday. My 22nd birthday. I work at Mainstage (and miss Leverage... AGAIN). Steve has come up to see me for a couple days from NH. My #1 minion.

Brandi doesnt come to my birthday. Neither does Alex. My two really good friends don't come. I text a couple other people, only Mary shows up.

Mary made my birthday. I had so much fun. My first birthday in six years that I didn't cry.

Sarai texts me. I call her.
"Why have you been ignoring me?"

"I'm sorry, I haven't, I've just been really busy with school and work." Lies, I hate lies. Your roomate done already told me you've been avoiding me because of the drugs. You should know by now that I'm the most honest person in the world. I don't lie... I don't expect lies either.

I don't let her know that though. I'll talk to her about that in person.

"When can we meet up?"

"Friday afternoon. I'll call you."

She was all I thought about in jail. Well okay, not all I thought about, but still. She effected me so much only after being around her for one day. She made me want to change my life. I need someone like her in my life. And I really do like her. But who knows what will happen anymore. I used to be sure of things, now I'm just constantly confused.

Wednesday night. Me and Steve go to The Clubhouse.

Everyone freaked out over how skinny I've gotten. Diana is all over me. More so than usual. It's been six months since I've last seen her. While we always get a little freaky when I go up there cause hi, used to be my girlfriend... she was all... GOOGLY and shit. Which I get that way too with her. It's bad. She treats me way better when we're not dating. It was shit like that which made me want her in the first place. But the thing with us is... we never had any closure. I broke up with her because she was married and didn't wanna fuck with that crap anymore. But we still really liked each other at the time.

Hell, we still really like each other.

"I hate you," I tell her.

"You love me," she replies, smirking.

"I don't like coming up here because all we do is live in the past."

"I know."

Not like we're going to stop doing it though. Sometimes the past is a nice place to live in.

Anyway, also see Indica. We all know I am with that bitch. She tells me her and her girl are having some problems, I tell her if she ever feels the need to go back to being a slut again to call me. She gets my number again (she lost it when her phone craped out on her) and tells me she will.

SCORE BITCH.

Get a double dance from Indica and Diana. Its my dirty little fantasy. Seriously. Greatest dance ever.

End up fucking Diana on the couch. Whoops? Hehe.

"I don't want to wait another six months to see you."

"Then call me and we'll hook up or something."

"I will."

This girl never chases anyone, she's spoiled and everyone always comes to her. I said I don't think she'll do it. She said I just need to watch and see.

Guess I will.

Thursday. Out with Brandi and her sister Candace and her boyfriend Josh. Have so much fucking fun... until the end of the night.

"Give me your phone, I want to call my husband."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, your drunk and you said he don't like you drunk."

"Give me the fucking phone, Mary."

"Dude you told me not to let him know your drunk."

She rips it out of my hand. I try to get it back, pissed off that she's treating me like I should just do whatever she says when she says it. She hits me in the face with the phone. I don't feel it, I know I'm hit but no pain. Always that way.

I won't hit her. She's my best friend. I just don't do that.

I try to hold her down. I look down and realize I'm bleeding. EVERYWHERE.

"Oh my fucking god."

My nose is gushing. all down my face, on my hands, my chest, in my hair, on my clothes. Jesus christ, aint no one ever draw my blood before.

I give her props for it and lick it up. I love blood, you don't understand. I was slightly in heaven over it. She didn't break my nose, so it was all good.

She hates me. Still wants to fight me. Punches me in the back of the head when she gets out of the car. Still dont feel it, just know she hit me cause my head went forward. I just sigh. Wow, lets me immature a little longer, shall we? Cause really, it's highschool all over again.

She wants me to get out of the car to fight her. Do I look like some white trash bitch? Negative. I'm too mature for this type of bullshit.

I cry on the way home. Not out of pain, or anger, but only because she's my best friend and she's gonna do me like that. Part of me wishes I did hit her, but I cant hit someone I love. She's been the only one here for me the past four years.

I think before I act, unlike everyone else.

I get home. Huge bruise on my eye. All my blood vessles are popped. It does nothing for my vanity. I'm an angry bitch. You don't fuck with my pretty face.

Her husband told me to press charges against her. I won't. At least, not yet. I don't like involving cops. If she continues to be a cunt I will though, don't get me wrong. I don't know if I want her to get to strike three, because this is number two. I don't know if I want to be friends with her anymore. Best friends dont do this to each other over a fucking phone.

I go to sleep, put ice on my face to stop the swelling some. I wake up, it works very well. No swelling, just a bruise. I can cover that with makeup. Hopefully cover my eye with my hair. We'll see.

Today.

I bought a new computer last night (a laptop), and wake up and finally get to play with it. I download the last episode of Leverage and watch it. Awesome awesome episode. Parker love. But todays entry doesn't include a Leverage ramble, maybe next time.

I did find out though it got renewed for a second season. I'm excited.

Fuck with my computer for a couple hours. Trying to catch up with shit.

Sarai calls me.

"Guess where I'm headed too?"

"I dunno, where?"

"The fucking hospital."

I laugh. "I probably should go there too. What's wrong with you?"

"Infection in my foot."

Basically, we can't hang today. It's cool. Rather her not see me all beat up like this anyway. We swap stories of our physical health issues. She says she'll call me later. Good, so she is still interested in me, obviously. Good sign.

Brandi's sister calls me. Checking up. Asks if I'm okay. I tell her yeah, that the black eye does nothing for my vanity, but she didn't break my nose so it's all cool. She says she'll call me later too.

And now you all are up to date.

Except for one thing....

Labels: dating, ex girlfriends, fighting, hair, jail, women, work

I haven't slept since I woke up at 3pm on Wednesday afternoon. While it was all good and lovely at first, right now it kinda bothers me because I sadly am forced to go to work tonight to participate in a photoshoot.

Yeah. A Photoshoot. On no sleep. Probably looking cracked out.

FTL.

I don't know, I get ahold of those pictures before anyone else first cause I get to be the one to put them on the stupid website, so I can always attempt to edit my cracked out-ness.... but IDK if it'll work or not. Never took pics like this.

Videos, yes. Videos I wish I never did take because I didn't know how fucked up I looked until I wasn't and watched it back. Its funny cause you always think your acting normal and your just not.

IDK. Maybe I shouldn't go. But I do need money, have to pay my room this week, and I am thus far... $200 short. Well, that is if I ever get my fucking check cashed. But then again, I don't have to pay it until Monday. So ugh.

I swear to fucking god this dope is never ending. I get some Wednesday before work because I had a rough night the night before, but really needed to be awake to work.

I order $20, pay for $20, get a $50 because apparently my new dealer is fucking awesome, and gave me more because his last batch was kinda bunk.

But seriously, $50 used to last me a day. ONE DAY. How in the fuck am I on day three and at the rate this shit is going, I could probably still be up for another two.

And I can't just stop doing it. IDK if any of you have done it before, but coming down is the worst feeling in the world. The only time people will let themselves go through that much pain and sickness is when they run out.

Either that or their body finally collapses and falls out. That's usually better. Well, I like it better anyway. I sleep for like 24 hours after that.

Blah, drugs suck. This shit needs to finished.

LOL I kind of find this funny. Here I am, I have the best dope I've gotten in awhile. Burns slow, lasts long, isn't making me grind my teeth, I can still eat on it (maybe not as much as I usually can, but I can eat a small meal) and I can take a short nap for like an hour every now and then. I don't feel horrible. I just feel... unmotivated. I suppose.

In other news, I finished my website. Finally...

http://beth-riesgraf.info/

I was having some issues with the domain earlier, but its all cool now. So yay. MaryWIN.

Also, for any of you that actually looked at what I did via the last post... I've been requested to do more, so I am. & they got worse. So so soooo much worse. But I love them. They're so twisted and perverted and fucked up and it makes me LOL.

UGH. I wanna take a fucking nap.

Work bad. Sleep good.
Work bad. Sleep good.

Fucking blah. You know my cats are eating dog food? Yeah, apparently the stupid store decided to stock 476384 thinsg of dog food, and no cat food... but yet cat litter. I'm like wtf dude. SRSLY.

Fuck all the bullshit, I need to eat something before I die. The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dope, drugs, meth, website design, work

I didn't do any drugs yesterday.

I would love to say that that was MY decision, but it wasn't. Technical difficulties were involved. Though my craving has for the most part passed... for now. I'm not shaking anymore.

Nemesis is driving me insane, I hope everyone knows that. The bitch is in heat, and while I'm used to Phoenix being in heat, who, while her annoyingness isn't THAT bad... Nemesis NEVER shuts the fuck up! I mean with Phoenix, all I have to do is yell "SHUT UP!" really loudly and she shuts up for at least 10 minutes. She listens to mommy. Nemesis doesn't.

Which, I don't know how the hell she's JUST going through her first heat cycle now. Her birthday was the 10th, she just turned one, but Phoenix started her heat cycles at 7 months. Her kittens were born just before her first birthday.

I don't know. I just know I gotta get her fixed now. I hate that she's this fucking annoying. I never bothered with Phoenix cause hell, Hades is fixed so she can't get knocked up again. I can deal with her pitiful whining.

NEMESIS IS ALL MEOW MEOW MEOOOOWWWWWWWW WHEN I'M ALL TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP AND SHIT.

I want to hit her, but I won't. That's animal abuse and such nonsense.

In other news, I caved. I'm currently in the process of building a fansite for Beth Riesgraf. Yeah, I'm the shit and can manage to make something presentable out of barely any info. I'm just effing amazing like that.

Though I have to say, I am loving the FUCK out my layout. I'm finally trying to upgrade myself and try new shit, and I just made the fanciest fucking navigation bar. And I know you're all probably like "um, so what? It's a fucking navigation bar," but it's important to ME.

I gotta go get a prepaid credit card to go buy the domain name. Unless anyone wants to donate? *shifty*

It's pretty much all done except for the photo gallery. I'm slacking on that, I hate setting up coppermine galleries. What's worse, I can't use an FTP agent in this suite that I currently live in, they block the fucking ports. What does that mean, do you ask? That means I can't bulk upload, I have to singularly put in files.

Yeah, not looking forward to that. REALLY REALLY REALLY not. Hence the procrastination.

I love procrastination, it's great. OH! It's 10am, that means I can finally order some fucking food, I'm starving.

Don't ask me why I'm awake at 10am, my drunk passing out phase when I got home from work only lasted about 2 hours before I was up again.

Sucks, when I pass out drunk I don't have to deal with trying to fall asleep with Nemesis' annoying voice.

By the way, white girls were highly unappreciated at work today. I find that unacceptable, because it's something I'm not used to.

The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, cats, website design, work

The last two days I have been working on the pilot for the A&E show Sugarloaf.

Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the name either. I didn’t ask. I’m sure it’ll make sense though, haha. I just know barely anything about the show. It’s a cop show… I think. Well, the main guy is a cop, who I guess moved from Chicago to Miami. And yeah, that is where my knowledge of the show ends, seeing as that’s all there is on IMDB. Though from what I can gather he’s got a thing for the female lead. But hey, no shock there. Haha. Especially no shock seeing as she doesn’t seem all that interested.

The main guy… I swear I’ve seen him in something before but I can’t think of it, even scanning IMBD. The female lead apparently was on “Lost” for a couple of episodes, but I don’t watch that show. Really petite little thing. Very pretty. And there’s a guy that plays a doctor (I think?) who I recognized from “Charmed” like from wayyy back in the day. He was the demon cop that killed Andy in I think the… er… first season finale? Second? Something.

It’s kind of nice to be around actors who aren’t all… I don’t know. You know like during conventions they’re all “special” and shit? They always have that air about them that makes them seem way cooler or something. Ha. I know that sounds weird, but I’m being serious. Like the actors are afraid to go up to “normal” people, or mingle in normal public. Which I mean, I still consider myself that, normal public, I mean, hello, so it was nice to not have them, I don’t know, be all snobbish and shit. But yeah, it’s not like that on set. You’re working, they’re working, and honestly you barely even look twice at the people cause you’re doing your own shit. It’s a much calmer environment. I did get to see them act once though, which was cool to watch. I was supposed to be in the scene, but my cue to walk on wasn’t until much later and it turned out they didn’t need me when the scene ended, so I got to stand on the sidelines and watch. So that was fun.

So right. Saturday I wake up at five fucking o’clock in the morning to be on set at six thirty. Cue me dying a little bit. I was nervous like hell, but I guess you always get nervous on the first day of a job. I actually walked right into it today though and felt totally comfortable, so that was good. Usually it takes me awhile to feel alright in a new environment, but I think that mainly had to do with our AWESOME PA, Tarryn. She really was the bomb. So nice. I can’t believe she really remembered all of our names, I don’t think I could ever do that. I’m horrible with names. Faces I can do, but names? Ha. No.

I was used in the first scene they did on Saturday; one in the emergency waiting room. Doubt you can see my face, I was behind a pillar, and while the main actor guy walked in behind me, I don’t think there was a camera set up there. But I just read my little brochure about, hell, what was it? I think it was an elderly home. HAHA. Not joking. Anyway, if the pilot does get picked up, maybe you’ll see my legs. Wooo my legs. ROFL.

I already knew when I came in I most likely wouldn’t be a nurse or a doctor. For one: way too young. For two: my look? Not the most professional. So I was a visitor each day. Kinda annoyed I dyed my hair for this though… clearly I didn’t need to seeing as one girl today came in with red, blonde, and black hair and tattoos all over her. So yeah. Fail. I’m mad at my hair right now.

If I’ve learned one thing though, its that I never, ever want to be an actor. HAHA. Just… hell no. Too repetitive, and being an extra blows with all the downtime. When I work I like to actually work. I can’t sit around all day, it drives me insane. You know how many episodes of Leverage I watched on my laptop during down time? A lot. Tried to write a little bit but I can’t get into it when theres a million other people around. I just can’t focus and get inside my THE (because hell, I steal the bitches) character’s heads.

But when you’re actually there doing something, it’s amazing. You know, you never actually realize how much work is put into one tiny freaking scene. I mean, this shit is crazy. With props and specific directions for the extras and god… haha… what they did outside? It’s supposed to be Florida, so they brought a bunch of palm trees, SPRAY PAINTED THE DEAD GRASS GREEN, planted flowers… I mean shit. They just went off with all of that. It was nuts. Kind of amusing seeing a bunch of green palm trees around one damn dead, pathetic looking tree xD

Uh, yeah, so anyway. The original plan of this little outing was to learn how to be a PA. Unfortunately, they shot more days then they were planning in Florida, so less here, so the producer, Paul, didn’t need me to be a PA anymore and just gave me work as an extra. He also has worked on Leverage, by the way. Which is kind of how I got this job. Kind of. It’s… okay, not complicated, but I just won’t go into it. One day I’m sure you all will realize, but that day will probably be in er… hm. I give it four months. That is if you can put two and two together LOL. Honestly I really don’t talk about a lot of the shit that has to do with Leverage, just cause of … everything. And man, especially not after this week! Leverage fans can be downright mean to me, but I’ll get into that later.

Met someone else that worked on Leverage too. Michael, I believe. I don’t remember what he did for the show, but he’s going back to film season three I guess. It was funny, cause he apparently thought I would be there too, just cause of how I got this job, but no. I have been told explicitly that I am never allowed to work on Leverage. And you know what? I’m really okay with that. Leverage is my fandom; I don’t want it to be work. It’s my fun place. I mean, I’d love to see it be filmed maybe ONCE, but just from a behind the scenes standpoint. But that’s a whole other story.

Plus, if I worked on Leverage, I can’t even begin to imagine how much shit I would get from some of the fans. It really bugs me, honestly. Okay… hell, I’ll go into this now. So yeah, ya’ll remember Dean being all OMG I HAVE SCISSORS AND I WILL CHOP OFF CHRISTIAN KANE’S BEAUTIFUL MANE [INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE]? Well I told Christian that I might have to do another protest video, and he DMed me on Twitter and told me I should do it (and you know, part of me thinks he was in this all along with Dean… sneaky people. I’m so a PAWN for drama, apparently xD) So I did it, and he said thanks to me and then RTed it on HIS Twitter… and while I got a lot of positive feedback, a few “man that bitch is crazy” (which, I’ll take, cause I am)… there was some people that were just downright horrible about it. Someone basically called me a hussy, or a slut, or whatever, another was like “wow that girl has no fucking life” and just… all this crap that, yeah, actually hurt my feelings.

I get jealousy. Trust me, I do. I’m a jealous person, but I keep everything to myself (then again, I’m into self torture, so hmph). And I get HELLA jealous when it comes to Beth. And it sucks cause people like to brag about the time they’ve spent with her to me. Which I mean, yeah, in some ways I want to know just cause I’d like to get a feel for her before I meet her myself. Which, thus far, looks like I’m not gonna get annoyed or pissed off by her, so that’s a plus LOL (and apparently everyone gets the “I like women” vibe from her as well, which hi, I so never needed to know that, really. Don’t encourage me, it’s just mean lol). I get weary of diva like behavior, only cause I’m the type to SAY something about it to their face, and I’m sure that would get me in trouble. But apparently she ain’t like that at all. But yeah, I mean, I GET that. I get jealous as hell and I stomp around and pout (metaphorically) because my five year old brain thinks it’s not fair because I’m like, whatever, her biggest fan or something. Most noticeable one, anyway. But you know what? Life isn’t fucking fair, and that’s why I don’t pitch a bitch fit to people over it. I’m nice, I listen, I’m GLAD for them. And in the end, I just hope I come out with a better story LOL.

Though, to be fair, I have a lot of bragging rights with Beth already and I have yet to even meet her, but it’s all shit I really don’t feel like I should share with… any of you. Sorry. There’s a lot of stuff in this fandom I just don’t ever fucking talk about. Mainly for my own piece of mind.

I just don’t understand why people can be mean to other people about something as stupid as that though. It wasn’t like Christian got down on one knee and asked me to fuckin’ marry him. He RTed my freaking video. And that’s cause to hate my life? Jeez. And me? I’m the type of person to get pissed off, say something, and hell I’ll throw down if you want, but at the end of the day I go home and cry myself to sleep. That’s just who I am. I’m used to hate and people talking shit when I was Sapphire Smoke, got that twenty times a fucking day on the sapphiire channel, but hell, that comes with the territory. My fandom is my safe place, you guys. It was just a slap in the face for that to happen. But moving on from THAT drama and back on topic…

Uh, right. Saturday. I ended up getting horrible stomach cramps halfway through the day, but I didn’t have to work anymore. Just more downtime. Though sitting around with stomach cramps blows monkey nuts. I could barely enjoy my damn lunch (which was fabulous, by the way) cause I was hurting so bad. Anyway, the day ended, Nicole decided that she wasn’t going to pick me up, so when I called my sister she said she would, but when I called back Nicole picked up and told me hell no. So I was like wtf bitch and was really pissed off because Marta, the bus and train thingie… yeah, it doesn’t GO in that area. I had no money for a cab, hell, I have thirteen dollars to my name right now until work on Wednesday. THIRTEEN. I can’t get to work on that either, and will have to beg Nicole for a ride. Lord.

So this woman, Hattie, says she’ll drive me to Five Points and I’ll get the train and then a bus from there. Turns out she’s a actress/director/producer, and is doing a bunch of things in Atlanta and wants to get me on board. She’s got a couple small time TV series she does, and hell, that would be AWESOME. She was really fucking cool, took me home today too. We’re gonna get together after the holidays and I’m gonna teach her how to use Final Cut Pro and Sony Vegas cause she wants to learn how to edit her own stuff.

Anyway, today, call time was 8:45am. Which wasn’t bad, though I didn’t sleep very well. But after the whole hour of GOD I HATE THE WORLD, it was actually nice to be up and doing shit during the day time. Honestly, working a twelve hour day and coming home to just chill for a couple hours before bed? God, I LOVE it. And it’s so screwed up, because right now I have no time to do any fandom stuff, which is what I do with my fucking LIFE. But it’s so damn rewarding to go to a REAL job and just… WORK. You guys have no fucking idea how happy it makes me. I was so damn NICE to my cats when I got home LOL. Usually I walk in the door and they’re attention deprived (the spoiled bastards) and are all over me and I’m like GO THE FUCK AWAY, YOU’RE ANNOYING! Though to be fair, half the time I’m fucking drunk lol.

The only scene I was in today was one that was done outside. Hi, it’s 35 freaking degrees out, and we’re all in tank tops and shorts cause it’s “Florida”. I was paired with two other girls that couldn’t have been more than twenty. Both of them were just there just because, I don’t know, they had nothing better to do that day? They were nice and all, we got along, but when it came time to roll? Okay, that scene took two hours. Lots of different shots to do; normal, wide, close ups, yada yada. We’re running back and forth resetting every ten minutes. After, hell, a half an hour, they’re bitching up a storm. “Oh my god, aren’t we done yet? It’s COLD!” Of course it’s cold, Jesus. But you’re getting paid to fucking stand out here in the cold, so just fucking do it.

And okay, honestly, how hard is it to fake talk? To fake having a conversation? These girls couldn’t do it to save their pretty little necks. And we cross right behind the actors, definitely getting into the shot, and I’m attempting to make this look somewhat realistic by pretending to talk to them and they just… ugh, fail at life. They were so still and nodded weird and it was just GOD. So yeah, that annoyed me. I don’t know, maybe it was cause I was fucking ESTASTIC to be there, to be doing the scene, SOMETHING, and they just couldn’t give a crap less. Why couldn’t I have been paired with any of the many aspiring actors? I mean, really. I don’t want to act, I don’t like to act, but hell, I can do it decently. Stripping is all about acting (well, lying, really LOL), and modeling is all about acting without speaking.

Right. Anyway. So we had a nice, full, twelve hour day. Yay. Though for ten hours I was basically doing nothing, which sucked. I can’t stress that enough. Boredom, me, hello. Also, I’ve realized I need to put Leverage episodes on my freaking phone. LOL

So I mainly watched Tarryn and what she was doing, since that’s gonna be my job come April. And really, though she basically got bossed around and yelled at all damn day… fucking I can do that. I can do that hardcore lol. Yell at me all you want, just give me something to do! lol.

I’m probably gonna be working Tuesday, but I don’t know yet. It’ll be a bar scene, and HOPEFULLY it’ll be in Atlanta, so I can take the damn bus. But yeah, this is a wicked awesome experience, and I am SOOOO grateful to my friend who set me up with this opportunity.

This is wicked long, so I guess I’ll stop now. Comments? Questions? (OMG, DAVID, FLORIDA TRIP! Hahahaha…. Okay to the rest of you, that was an inside joke to my brother LOL. Nvm)

Labels: beth riesgraf, christian kane, drama, jealousy, leverage, sugarloaf, work

I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. What I don’t understand is why I continue to take it and then have the audacity to go and tell people that they shouldn’t put up with the same type of bullshit. I pretend I’m strong, pretend I can handle shit and back again and fuckin’ around the damn corner but the truth? I’m a doormat. I have this sign on my head that says, “Please, make me think you’re a trustworthy friend, a perfect lover, whatever… and then just take the rug out from beneath my feet and throw me on my ass. It’s just too fast and too perfect that I won’t know how to handle it.”

Because I don’t.

Not that I’m getting abused now. Please don’t make that mistake. No, but because I’m not, I feel the need to make the world crumble down around myself. If no one is around to do it for me, why not do it myself, right? I’m big on “Please save me”, but at the same time… I really don’t care if anyone does. Because the flip side? Going so far down that I can’t claw my way back to the surface… that’s acceptable. I push myself into suicide all the time recently. It’s like I’m fuckin’ daring myself. Go on, just do it.

But people save me, over and over again. And while I’m thankful, another part of me hates it, mainly because I just can’t understand it. I’m like fuck, just let me fall, for the love of shit… please…

But I’m smart. I have potential. I’m fucking creative like a mother fucker and that’s all I want to do with my life. But isn’t that how creative people are though? The most creative people are insane, right? That’s just how it works.

It’s sad because I can see myself doing everything I want to do, if only I can just conquer my own demons. I need hypnotism, I think.

To move away from all of that though… I have a job coming up for the month of December. I’m going to be an extra and a part time PA for an upcoming TV show pilot that’s getting filmed here in Atlanta. Don’t ask me the name, I forget. The producer told me, I think, in our very rushed conversation, but I just can’t remember. Ha. Even if I did know it, I don’t know if I would be allowed to say. I don’t know how those things work, since it’s not actually on the air yet.

And I have another job waiting for me in April. Which, ugh, I have to learn to drive for. You all have no idea how large of a fear I have of driving. It terrifies me. But I need to learn…

And, of course, I have to talk about the Leverage convention. I got asked to be a part of it months ago. You have no idea how hard that was to keep it to myself. But anyway, I’m going to be doing a fan video screening, and there’s a possibility that I’ll be doing a Q&A panel, which honestly scared me at first, but now I’m really excited and want it to happen. I know it’ll turn into a slashfic discussion and I’m sosry, but that would just pwn the whole weekend for me. Ha. My shit ain’t on the website though, not sure if it will be, but I know it’ll be in the program schedule, whenever they release that.

I’m nervous already about meeting Beth. But… whatever. I know it won’t be bad or anything, though only because she has to be nice to me. Because career wise? Probably a stupid move to be rude or whatever else to your biggest fan. Even though its superficial, I still take small comfort in that fact. Now, if only I can manage to talk to her like a normal human being. The sad thing is, I’m sure I’ll be able to with all the other actors. Her? It’s just different. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my completely irrational make-no-goddamn-sense-cause-I-don’t-know-the-woman celebrity crush on her. I crush on the idea of her, I suppose. Not her. I don’t know how to explain it, just because I can’t do it rationally myself.

And you all know how I am with rational logic. I don’t know how to deal with things I can’t explain.

Anyway, I guess I’m just doing this because I haven’t in awhile. So, sorry this isn’t of some kind of epic standard, but whatever.

I’m surviving. Good things are coming (because I flew with the seabirds and swam with the dolphins – five points if you know what movie I’m referring to), and hell… shit will either get better or get worse. Flip a coin.

Fuckin call it.

Labels: beth riesgraf, blah, convention, extra, leverage, movie, tv show, whatever, work

Last night at work I cam to the startling conclusion that part of me enjoys being violated by strangers.

Yeah, I know how fucked up that is, trust me.

So that kind of makes me a bit depressed on who I am as a person, and how epicly screwed up my sexuality is, and how I view myself. Apparently, somewhere deep down I think I deserve being treated like a worthless whore.

Oh, my self esteem is wonderful, don’t you think?

I can’t wait until I don’t have to do this shit anymore. I can’t wait until I’m somewhat a functional member of this society. I can’t wait until I can wake up and not hate myself.

On a happier note however, because I think we all need one of those, Beth (Riesgraf, for those of you who live under a rock and don’t know my Beth!Love by now) agreed to do an interview with me via email for my website.

*this is the part where I do my little happy dance*

Apparently, badgering does pay off. Aha. Or maybe my determination, and my hope that she’s willing to give me a chance to not just be that fangirl that spams the internet with her presence in this world.

Which, I guess she is. So I’m very happy about that.

… That’s all. For now.

Labels: beth riesgraf, stripping, work

"Ma'am, can you please step out of the vehicle?"

Fuck. I'm getting arrested. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK. Hands behind my back. Cuffs on my wrists. In the cop car. My nose itches, of fucking course.

"Before we have our canine unit search the vehicle, is there anything in there that we should know about?"

Yes, my friend has dope in her wallet.

"No."

Such lies. Now she's arrested. We're so fucked off right now. Solicitation of alcohol. Seriously? That is the most bullshit charge in the world to go to jail for.

Carrolton jail.

I'm going crazy. I don't like tiny enclosed spaces. White walls. Enclosed spaces with white walls.

"The walls are screaming, can you hear it?" I ask her as I touch the wall lightly in fascination and lean in closer to hear it.

My craziness is starting to freak her out a bit. She reads the bible outloud. Like it's not going to make my craziness worse or something. RIGHT.

Cause I'm so into the whole God thing and all...

The next day when all the inmates each lunch, we all start to socialize. I never realized how socially awkward I was until that moment. I said something perfectly normal... at least I think I did. And they're laughing and looking at me like I'm weird. Wasn't that a perfectly appropriate thing to say?

I guess not.

A day and a half. My friend gets bailed out. Her bail was 4 times less than mine. My mother tells me she's not going to bail me out at all.

Great. Cause really, spending my 22nd birthday in jail was totally on my list of things to do this year.

Finally Brandi finds me. I get transferred to Tarrant county... then to Mansfield. I cry alot in Mansfield, it's dirty and disgusting and I don't belong there.

Four days later I'm out. Free.

I start this whole life changing path I want to go on. Sarai won't return my phone calls. I get pissed, but let it go for awhile. I don't need her to help me stop the drugs, and start waking up early, and take long walks... enjoy freedom. My diet gets put on hold. After all, after jail food, fuck yes I'm gonna eat what I want and enjoy every last minute of it.

Get home. Try to download Leverage because I missed the episode when I was in jail. My computer has hard drive failure and dies during the middle of it. The end, computer gone.

Then my phone shits out on me. Have to spend another $300 to get a new one.

Saturday night. Drink so much I black out the entire night. I don't remember a single thing. I've never done that. I pass out in the dressing room floor and it takes 45 minutes to wake me up apparently. When they did I took a swing at the bouncer. I wake up the next morning on someones couch. Have no idea where I am. I'm at Peaches house, thankfully.

I decide trading one addiction for another is a bad idea. I put myself on a drinking plan at work with the bar. Only a couple drinks a night.

The day before my birthday. Sarai's roomate works up at Mainstage.

"What's up with Sarai?"

"You want to truth?" she asks me.

No, I want to be lied to. Come on now. "Yes."

"Look she really likes you. Like really really likes you. She talks about you all the time. She can see herself being a relationship with you. But the drugs.. the drugs cant be apart of that."

"I've been clean for a week and a half. I've just been trying to get ahold of her." "You'll get a phone call tomorrow, promise."

She ended up being much more bluntly honest with me when she was drunk at the end of the night, slightly chewed my ass out, but I appreciated it.

I appreciate honesty.

Tuesday. My 22nd birthday. I work at Mainstage (and miss Leverage... AGAIN). Steve has come up to see me for a couple days from NH. My #1 minion.

Brandi doesnt come to my birthday. Neither does Alex. My two really good friends don't come. I text a couple other people, only Mary shows up.

Mary made my birthday. I had so much fun. My first birthday in six years that I didn't cry.

Sarai texts me. I call her.
"Why have you been ignoring me?"

"I'm sorry, I haven't, I've just been really busy with school and work." Lies, I hate lies. Your roomate done already told me you've been avoiding me because of the drugs. You should know by now that I'm the most honest person in the world. I don't lie... I don't expect lies either.

I don't let her know that though. I'll talk to her about that in person.

"When can we meet up?"

"Friday afternoon. I'll call you."

She was all I thought about in jail. Well okay, not all I thought about, but still. She effected me so much only after being around her for one day. She made me want to change my life. I need someone like her in my life. And I really do like her. But who knows what will happen anymore. I used to be sure of things, now I'm just constantly confused.

Wednesday night. Me and Steve go to The Clubhouse.

Everyone freaked out over how skinny I've gotten. Diana is all over me. More so than usual. It's been six months since I've last seen her. While we always get a little freaky when I go up there cause hi, used to be my girlfriend... she was all... GOOGLY and shit. Which I get that way too with her. It's bad. She treats me way better when we're not dating. It was shit like that which made me want her in the first place. But the thing with us is... we never had any closure. I broke up with her because she was married and didn't wanna fuck with that crap anymore. But we still really liked each other at the time.

Hell, we still really like each other.

"I hate you," I tell her.

"You love me," she replies, smirking.

"I don't like coming up here because all we do is live in the past."

"I know."

Not like we're going to stop doing it though. Sometimes the past is a nice place to live in.

Anyway, also see Indica. We all know I am with that bitch. She tells me her and her girl are having some problems, I tell her if she ever feels the need to go back to being a slut again to call me. She gets my number again (she lost it when her phone craped out on her) and tells me she will.

SCORE BITCH.

Get a double dance from Indica and Diana. Its my dirty little fantasy. Seriously. Greatest dance ever.

End up fucking Diana on the couch. Whoops? Hehe.

"I don't want to wait another six months to see you."

"Then call me and we'll hook up or something."

"I will."

This girl never chases anyone, she's spoiled and everyone always comes to her. I said I don't think she'll do it. She said I just need to watch and see.

Guess I will.

Thursday. Out with Brandi and her sister Candace and her boyfriend Josh. Have so much fucking fun... until the end of the night.

"Give me your phone, I want to call my husband."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, your drunk and you said he don't like you drunk."

"Give me the fucking phone, Mary."

"Dude you told me not to let him know your drunk."

She rips it out of my hand. I try to get it back, pissed off that she's treating me like I should just do whatever she says when she says it. She hits me in the face with the phone. I don't feel it, I know I'm hit but no pain. Always that way.

I won't hit her. She's my best friend. I just don't do that.

I try to hold her down. I look down and realize I'm bleeding. EVERYWHERE.

"Oh my fucking god."

My nose is gushing. all down my face, on my hands, my chest, in my hair, on my clothes. Jesus christ, aint no one ever draw my blood before.

I give her props for it and lick it up. I love blood, you don't understand. I was slightly in heaven over it. She didn't break my nose, so it was all good.

She hates me. Still wants to fight me. Punches me in the back of the head when she gets out of the car. Still dont feel it, just know she hit me cause my head went forward. I just sigh. Wow, lets me immature a little longer, shall we? Cause really, it's highschool all over again.

She wants me to get out of the car to fight her. Do I look like some white trash bitch? Negative. I'm too mature for this type of bullshit.

I cry on the way home. Not out of pain, or anger, but only because she's my best friend and she's gonna do me like that. Part of me wishes I did hit her, but I cant hit someone I love. She's been the only one here for me the past four years.

I think before I act, unlike everyone else.

I get home. Huge bruise on my eye. All my blood vessles are popped. It does nothing for my vanity. I'm an angry bitch. You don't fuck with my pretty face.

Her husband told me to press charges against her. I won't. At least, not yet. I don't like involving cops. If she continues to be a cunt I will though, don't get me wrong. I don't know if I want her to get to strike three, because this is number two. I don't know if I want to be friends with her anymore. Best friends dont do this to each other over a fucking phone.

I go to sleep, put ice on my face to stop the swelling some. I wake up, it works very well. No swelling, just a bruise. I can cover that with makeup. Hopefully cover my eye with my hair. We'll see.

Today.

I bought a new computer last night (a laptop), and wake up and finally get to play with it. I download the last episode of Leverage and watch it. Awesome awesome episode. Parker love. But todays entry doesn't include a Leverage ramble, maybe next time.

I did find out though it got renewed for a second season. I'm excited.

Fuck with my computer for a couple hours. Trying to catch up with shit.

Sarai calls me.

"Guess where I'm headed too?"

"I dunno, where?"

"The fucking hospital."

I laugh. "I probably should go there too. What's wrong with you?"

"Infection in my foot."

Basically, we can't hang today. It's cool. Rather her not see me all beat up like this anyway. We swap stories of our physical health issues. She says she'll call me later. Good, so she is still interested in me, obviously. Good sign.

Brandi's sister calls me. Checking up. Asks if I'm okay. I tell her yeah, that the black eye does nothing for my vanity, but she didn't break my nose so it's all cool. She says she'll call me later too.

And now you all are up to date.

Except for one thing....

Labels: dating, ex girlfriends, fighting, hair, jail, women, work

I haven't slept since I woke up at 3pm on Wednesday afternoon. While it was all good and lovely at first, right now it kinda bothers me because I sadly am forced to go to work tonight to participate in a photoshoot.

Yeah. A Photoshoot. On no sleep. Probably looking cracked out.

FTL.

I don't know, I get ahold of those pictures before anyone else first cause I get to be the one to put them on the stupid website, so I can always attempt to edit my cracked out-ness.... but IDK if it'll work or not. Never took pics like this.

Videos, yes. Videos I wish I never did take because I didn't know how fucked up I looked until I wasn't and watched it back. Its funny cause you always think your acting normal and your just not.

IDK. Maybe I shouldn't go. But I do need money, have to pay my room this week, and I am thus far... $200 short. Well, that is if I ever get my fucking check cashed. But then again, I don't have to pay it until Monday. So ugh.

I swear to fucking god this dope is never ending. I get some Wednesday before work because I had a rough night the night before, but really needed to be awake to work.

I order $20, pay for $20, get a $50 because apparently my new dealer is fucking awesome, and gave me more because his last batch was kinda bunk.

But seriously, $50 used to last me a day. ONE DAY. How in the fuck am I on day three and at the rate this shit is going, I could probably still be up for another two.

And I can't just stop doing it. IDK if any of you have done it before, but coming down is the worst feeling in the world. The only time people will let themselves go through that much pain and sickness is when they run out.

Either that or their body finally collapses and falls out. That's usually better. Well, I like it better anyway. I sleep for like 24 hours after that.

Blah, drugs suck. This shit needs to finished.

LOL I kind of find this funny. Here I am, I have the best dope I've gotten in awhile. Burns slow, lasts long, isn't making me grind my teeth, I can still eat on it (maybe not as much as I usually can, but I can eat a small meal) and I can take a short nap for like an hour every now and then. I don't feel horrible. I just feel... unmotivated. I suppose.

In other news, I finished my website. Finally...

http://beth-riesgraf.info/

I was having some issues with the domain earlier, but its all cool now. So yay. MaryWIN.

Also, for any of you that actually looked at what I did via the last post... I've been requested to do more, so I am. & they got worse. So so soooo much worse. But I love them. They're so twisted and perverted and fucked up and it makes me LOL.

UGH. I wanna take a fucking nap.

Work bad. Sleep good.
Work bad. Sleep good.

Fucking blah. You know my cats are eating dog food? Yeah, apparently the stupid store decided to stock 476384 thinsg of dog food, and no cat food... but yet cat litter. I'm like wtf dude. SRSLY.

Fuck all the bullshit, I need to eat something before I die. The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, dope, drugs, meth, website design, work

I didn't do any drugs yesterday.

I would love to say that that was MY decision, but it wasn't. Technical difficulties were involved. Though my craving has for the most part passed... for now. I'm not shaking anymore.

Nemesis is driving me insane, I hope everyone knows that. The bitch is in heat, and while I'm used to Phoenix being in heat, who, while her annoyingness isn't THAT bad... Nemesis NEVER shuts the fuck up! I mean with Phoenix, all I have to do is yell "SHUT UP!" really loudly and she shuts up for at least 10 minutes. She listens to mommy. Nemesis doesn't.

Which, I don't know how the hell she's JUST going through her first heat cycle now. Her birthday was the 10th, she just turned one, but Phoenix started her heat cycles at 7 months. Her kittens were born just before her first birthday.

I don't know. I just know I gotta get her fixed now. I hate that she's this fucking annoying. I never bothered with Phoenix cause hell, Hades is fixed so she can't get knocked up again. I can deal with her pitiful whining.

NEMESIS IS ALL MEOW MEOW MEOOOOWWWWWWWW WHEN I'M ALL TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP AND SHIT.

I want to hit her, but I won't. That's animal abuse and such nonsense.

In other news, I caved. I'm currently in the process of building a fansite for Beth Riesgraf. Yeah, I'm the shit and can manage to make something presentable out of barely any info. I'm just effing amazing like that.

Though I have to say, I am loving the FUCK out my layout. I'm finally trying to upgrade myself and try new shit, and I just made the fanciest fucking navigation bar. And I know you're all probably like "um, so what? It's a fucking navigation bar," but it's important to ME.

I gotta go get a prepaid credit card to go buy the domain name. Unless anyone wants to donate? *shifty*

It's pretty much all done except for the photo gallery. I'm slacking on that, I hate setting up coppermine galleries. What's worse, I can't use an FTP agent in this suite that I currently live in, they block the fucking ports. What does that mean, do you ask? That means I can't bulk upload, I have to singularly put in files.

Yeah, not looking forward to that. REALLY REALLY REALLY not. Hence the procrastination.

I love procrastination, it's great. OH! It's 10am, that means I can finally order some fucking food, I'm starving.

Don't ask me why I'm awake at 10am, my drunk passing out phase when I got home from work only lasted about 2 hours before I was up again.

Sucks, when I pass out drunk I don't have to deal with trying to fall asleep with Nemesis' annoying voice.

By the way, white girls were highly unappreciated at work today. I find that unacceptable, because it's something I'm not used to.

The end.

Labels: beth riesgraf, cats, website design, work

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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