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I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. What I don’t understand is why I continue to take it and then have the audacity to go and tell people that they shouldn’t put up with the same type of bullshit. I pretend I’m strong, pretend I can handle shit and back again and fuckin’ around the damn corner but the truth? I’m a doormat. I have this sign on my head that says, “Please, make me think you’re a trustworthy friend, a perfect lover, whatever… and then just take the rug out from beneath my feet and throw me on my ass. It’s just too fast and too perfect that I won’t know how to handle it.”

Because I don’t.

Not that I’m getting abused now. Please don’t make that mistake. No, but because I’m not, I feel the need to make the world crumble down around myself. If no one is around to do it for me, why not do it myself, right? I’m big on “Please save me”, but at the same time… I really don’t care if anyone does. Because the flip side? Going so far down that I can’t claw my way back to the surface… that’s acceptable. I push myself into suicide all the time recently. It’s like I’m fuckin’ daring myself. Go on, just do it.

But people save me, over and over again. And while I’m thankful, another part of me hates it, mainly because I just can’t understand it. I’m like fuck, just let me fall, for the love of shit… please…

But I’m smart. I have potential. I’m fucking creative like a mother fucker and that’s all I want to do with my life. But isn’t that how creative people are though? The most creative people are insane, right? That’s just how it works.

It’s sad because I can see myself doing everything I want to do, if only I can just conquer my own demons. I need hypnotism, I think.

To move away from all of that though… I have a job coming up for the month of December. I’m going to be an extra and a part time PA for an upcoming TV show pilot that’s getting filmed here in Atlanta. Don’t ask me the name, I forget. The producer told me, I think, in our very rushed conversation, but I just can’t remember. Ha. Even if I did know it, I don’t know if I would be allowed to say. I don’t know how those things work, since it’s not actually on the air yet.

And I have another job waiting for me in April. Which, ugh, I have to learn to drive for. You all have no idea how large of a fear I have of driving. It terrifies me. But I need to learn…

And, of course, I have to talk about the Leverage convention. I got asked to be a part of it months ago. You have no idea how hard that was to keep it to myself. But anyway, I’m going to be doing a fan video screening, and there’s a possibility that I’ll be doing a Q&A panel, which honestly scared me at first, but now I’m really excited and want it to happen. I know it’ll turn into a slashfic discussion and I’m sosry, but that would just pwn the whole weekend for me. Ha. My shit ain’t on the website though, not sure if it will be, but I know it’ll be in the program schedule, whenever they release that.

I’m nervous already about meeting Beth. But… whatever. I know it won’t be bad or anything, though only because she has to be nice to me. Because career wise? Probably a stupid move to be rude or whatever else to your biggest fan. Even though its superficial, I still take small comfort in that fact. Now, if only I can manage to talk to her like a normal human being. The sad thing is, I’m sure I’ll be able to with all the other actors. Her? It’s just different. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my completely irrational make-no-goddamn-sense-cause-I-don’t-know-the-woman celebrity crush on her. I crush on the idea of her, I suppose. Not her. I don’t know how to explain it, just because I can’t do it rationally myself.

And you all know how I am with rational logic. I don’t know how to deal with things I can’t explain.

Anyway, I guess I’m just doing this because I haven’t in awhile. So, sorry this isn’t of some kind of epic standard, but whatever.

I’m surviving. Good things are coming (because I flew with the seabirds and swam with the dolphins – five points if you know what movie I’m referring to), and hell… shit will either get better or get worse. Flip a coin.

Fuckin call it.

Labels: beth riesgraf, blah, convention, extra, leverage, movie, tv show, whatever, work

MY WIFE IS THE SEXIEST FUCKING CREATURE ON THIS PLANET. OH. MY. GOD. JUST… SERIOUSLY. ORGASMS? YES. PLEASE.

What’s more… the SERIOUS Blackcest moment? YES! The way Narcissa’s crying, looking half terrified at Snape as Bellatrix rests her chin on her shoulder and looks at her in this way that… god just TOTALLY sums up the nature of their relationship (well, if it was sexual anyway – which in my mind? Totally is. Yes I’m a dirty dirty bitch who likes Harry Potter sister sex lol). Bellatrix looks at her almost as if she wants to toy with her, but already knows that she owns her. It’s just SO FUCKING SEXY. GOD. I need a screenshot! Actually no, I need a GIF image of that. Iconage? YES PLEASE.

To be honest though, it would have been a million times sexier if they didn’t cast Helen McCrory as Narcissa. Narcissa is supposed to be younger than Bellatrix! So why WHY WHY WHY does she look WAY older (and like a fucking shrew, I mean really)? And she’s supposed to have long flowing blonde hair and be beautiful if not for looking like a totally bitchy snob… AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF SHIT IS WITH HER SKUNK HAIR?! I mean HONESTLY.

It really is a shame Narcissa is portrayed so… unfitting for her character. God. They only gave it to her because she got all knocked up when she was supposed to play Bellatrix. THANK GOD THAT SHE DIDN’T.

Helena Bonham Carter is just… is just so… so… GOD. I want her. But moving on…

I love Bellatrix… my wife (don’t judge me, fools)… due to her being so like a child all the time. She just always wants to play! And yes her games are terrifying and tend to kill people, but she just has so much fun doing them! SHES MADE OF SO MUCH WIN IT’S UNBELIEVABLE.

But. So. The movie as a whole. I’ve got to say, much better than Order of the Phoenix. That movie (outside of my lover) was… just badly done. The acting was hideous. And while the acting blew on a couple parts of this movie, overall it wasn’t a suck-fest. Though the whole Harry/Ginny thing was supposed to be … you know, epic and shit. They date! And then they break up at the end. The movie? One lame ass kiss. Really? REALLY? THAT’S GONNA BE HIS WIFE & THEY’RE GONNA BEAR LITTLE ALBUS SEVERUS… (and others lol) – HAVE SOME RESPECT!

Dumbledore’s death scene didn’t make me cry – unlike the book. They fucked up that whole thing. I mean, the epic battle in Hogwarts? Completely gone! They randomly put in a scene that NEVER HAPPENED when Bellatrix and Greyback come and burn the Weasley’s house to the ground. The point of that? I don’t know. I won’t bitch too much though – it was an excuse to see more of my Bella.

HOWEVER. I just… can’t believe they cut out the battle of Hogwarts. I mean what was the point of the Death Eaters coming then? They like run up the stairs with Draco and then after Dumbledore dies they all run away. I did enjoy the performance of Tom Felton (Draco) though; he played the struggle with it very well. I think he might have been the best actor throughout the whole thing (besides HBC of course), which is saying something because most of the time I find him horrid. Emma Watson wasn’t so bad with her being devastated over Ron, I actually found it mildly believable, when most of the time I find myself rolling my eyes at her crying.

Harry vs. Snape wasn’t that well done either. Though I did enjoy Harry vs. Draco with the Secrumsempra spell, even if there should have been WAY more blood.

The scary dead creatures coming out of the water? Actually scary. They freaked me the FUCK out. And I jumped a fucking mile when the hand first came out of the water. Though after awhile slightly reminded me of Gollum from LOTR lol

RONS GIRLFRIEND LAVENDER WAS MADE OF WIN. She was JUST as annoying in the movie as she was in the books lol “Won-Won”

Slughorn should have been fatter. Really. Like, much much fatter.

Snape continues to amuse me with his epicly long pauses between words lol. And they threw in part of a scene that isn’t supposed to show up until the end of Deathly Hallows… but I guess just to move things along in the (not next I’m sure, but the last) movie, so you can reference the conversation between him and Dumbledore, even though you don’t know at this point what it was really about. Well, we all do cause we read the books, but you know.

Of course, me and Nicole have this horrible problem of being obnoxious to everyone else in the theater when we see these things with our little comments to each other that makes us laugh. For example:

(it’s a tense moment – Dracos all omg watch me cry I have to kill you Dumbledore because… dun dun dunnnnnnnn…..)

Draco: I’ve been chosen! –shows his arm with the dark mark-
Me: So have I! –holds out my arm with my dark mark tattoo-
Nicole: -snorts, almost spits out drink, and tries very hard not to laugh- Oh my god, I’m gonna remember that for the rest of my life.

Seriously, sometimes I don’t know where this shit comes from lol. I also talked an awful lot about Bellatrix’s boobs. But I mean COME ON. She’s in a freaking CORSET. She gets all out of breath and her chest is heaving and I’m just like damn, look at her boobs. LOL

She still needs to get some work done of those teeth of hers though…

Anyway. I need this damn movie. I need to make another Bellatrix video! My last one was lost during the great sapphiire demise from YouTube lol. So sad too… that was great. I loved it. Damn.

Overall, decent movie, but will never live up to the book (like the rest of them…) Now, back to writing Blackcest. Oh yes, oh yes. I love, I love.

Labels: bellatrix lestrange, blackcest, half blood prince, harry potter, movie, narcissa malfoy

I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. What I don’t understand is why I continue to take it and then have the audacity to go and tell people that they shouldn’t put up with the same type of bullshit. I pretend I’m strong, pretend I can handle shit and back again and fuckin’ around the damn corner but the truth? I’m a doormat. I have this sign on my head that says, “Please, make me think you’re a trustworthy friend, a perfect lover, whatever… and then just take the rug out from beneath my feet and throw me on my ass. It’s just too fast and too perfect that I won’t know how to handle it.”

Because I don’t.

Not that I’m getting abused now. Please don’t make that mistake. No, but because I’m not, I feel the need to make the world crumble down around myself. If no one is around to do it for me, why not do it myself, right? I’m big on “Please save me”, but at the same time… I really don’t care if anyone does. Because the flip side? Going so far down that I can’t claw my way back to the surface… that’s acceptable. I push myself into suicide all the time recently. It’s like I’m fuckin’ daring myself. Go on, just do it.

But people save me, over and over again. And while I’m thankful, another part of me hates it, mainly because I just can’t understand it. I’m like fuck, just let me fall, for the love of shit… please…

But I’m smart. I have potential. I’m fucking creative like a mother fucker and that’s all I want to do with my life. But isn’t that how creative people are though? The most creative people are insane, right? That’s just how it works.

It’s sad because I can see myself doing everything I want to do, if only I can just conquer my own demons. I need hypnotism, I think.

To move away from all of that though… I have a job coming up for the month of December. I’m going to be an extra and a part time PA for an upcoming TV show pilot that’s getting filmed here in Atlanta. Don’t ask me the name, I forget. The producer told me, I think, in our very rushed conversation, but I just can’t remember. Ha. Even if I did know it, I don’t know if I would be allowed to say. I don’t know how those things work, since it’s not actually on the air yet.

And I have another job waiting for me in April. Which, ugh, I have to learn to drive for. You all have no idea how large of a fear I have of driving. It terrifies me. But I need to learn…

And, of course, I have to talk about the Leverage convention. I got asked to be a part of it months ago. You have no idea how hard that was to keep it to myself. But anyway, I’m going to be doing a fan video screening, and there’s a possibility that I’ll be doing a Q&A panel, which honestly scared me at first, but now I’m really excited and want it to happen. I know it’ll turn into a slashfic discussion and I’m sosry, but that would just pwn the whole weekend for me. Ha. My shit ain’t on the website though, not sure if it will be, but I know it’ll be in the program schedule, whenever they release that.

I’m nervous already about meeting Beth. But… whatever. I know it won’t be bad or anything, though only because she has to be nice to me. Because career wise? Probably a stupid move to be rude or whatever else to your biggest fan. Even though its superficial, I still take small comfort in that fact. Now, if only I can manage to talk to her like a normal human being. The sad thing is, I’m sure I’ll be able to with all the other actors. Her? It’s just different. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my completely irrational make-no-goddamn-sense-cause-I-don’t-know-the-woman celebrity crush on her. I crush on the idea of her, I suppose. Not her. I don’t know how to explain it, just because I can’t do it rationally myself.

And you all know how I am with rational logic. I don’t know how to deal with things I can’t explain.

Anyway, I guess I’m just doing this because I haven’t in awhile. So, sorry this isn’t of some kind of epic standard, but whatever.

I’m surviving. Good things are coming (because I flew with the seabirds and swam with the dolphins – five points if you know what movie I’m referring to), and hell… shit will either get better or get worse. Flip a coin.

Fuckin call it.

Labels: beth riesgraf, blah, convention, extra, leverage, movie, tv show, whatever, work

MY WIFE IS THE SEXIEST FUCKING CREATURE ON THIS PLANET. OH. MY. GOD. JUST… SERIOUSLY. ORGASMS? YES. PLEASE.

What’s more… the SERIOUS Blackcest moment? YES! The way Narcissa’s crying, looking half terrified at Snape as Bellatrix rests her chin on her shoulder and looks at her in this way that… god just TOTALLY sums up the nature of their relationship (well, if it was sexual anyway – which in my mind? Totally is. Yes I’m a dirty dirty bitch who likes Harry Potter sister sex lol). Bellatrix looks at her almost as if she wants to toy with her, but already knows that she owns her. It’s just SO FUCKING SEXY. GOD. I need a screenshot! Actually no, I need a GIF image of that. Iconage? YES PLEASE.

To be honest though, it would have been a million times sexier if they didn’t cast Helen McCrory as Narcissa. Narcissa is supposed to be younger than Bellatrix! So why WHY WHY WHY does she look WAY older (and like a fucking shrew, I mean really)? And she’s supposed to have long flowing blonde hair and be beautiful if not for looking like a totally bitchy snob… AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF SHIT IS WITH HER SKUNK HAIR?! I mean HONESTLY.

It really is a shame Narcissa is portrayed so… unfitting for her character. God. They only gave it to her because she got all knocked up when she was supposed to play Bellatrix. THANK GOD THAT SHE DIDN’T.

Helena Bonham Carter is just… is just so… so… GOD. I want her. But moving on…

I love Bellatrix… my wife (don’t judge me, fools)… due to her being so like a child all the time. She just always wants to play! And yes her games are terrifying and tend to kill people, but she just has so much fun doing them! SHES MADE OF SO MUCH WIN IT’S UNBELIEVABLE.

But. So. The movie as a whole. I’ve got to say, much better than Order of the Phoenix. That movie (outside of my lover) was… just badly done. The acting was hideous. And while the acting blew on a couple parts of this movie, overall it wasn’t a suck-fest. Though the whole Harry/Ginny thing was supposed to be … you know, epic and shit. They date! And then they break up at the end. The movie? One lame ass kiss. Really? REALLY? THAT’S GONNA BE HIS WIFE & THEY’RE GONNA BEAR LITTLE ALBUS SEVERUS… (and others lol) – HAVE SOME RESPECT!

Dumbledore’s death scene didn’t make me cry – unlike the book. They fucked up that whole thing. I mean, the epic battle in Hogwarts? Completely gone! They randomly put in a scene that NEVER HAPPENED when Bellatrix and Greyback come and burn the Weasley’s house to the ground. The point of that? I don’t know. I won’t bitch too much though – it was an excuse to see more of my Bella.

HOWEVER. I just… can’t believe they cut out the battle of Hogwarts. I mean what was the point of the Death Eaters coming then? They like run up the stairs with Draco and then after Dumbledore dies they all run away. I did enjoy the performance of Tom Felton (Draco) though; he played the struggle with it very well. I think he might have been the best actor throughout the whole thing (besides HBC of course), which is saying something because most of the time I find him horrid. Emma Watson wasn’t so bad with her being devastated over Ron, I actually found it mildly believable, when most of the time I find myself rolling my eyes at her crying.

Harry vs. Snape wasn’t that well done either. Though I did enjoy Harry vs. Draco with the Secrumsempra spell, even if there should have been WAY more blood.

The scary dead creatures coming out of the water? Actually scary. They freaked me the FUCK out. And I jumped a fucking mile when the hand first came out of the water. Though after awhile slightly reminded me of Gollum from LOTR lol

RONS GIRLFRIEND LAVENDER WAS MADE OF WIN. She was JUST as annoying in the movie as she was in the books lol “Won-Won”

Slughorn should have been fatter. Really. Like, much much fatter.

Snape continues to amuse me with his epicly long pauses between words lol. And they threw in part of a scene that isn’t supposed to show up until the end of Deathly Hallows… but I guess just to move things along in the (not next I’m sure, but the last) movie, so you can reference the conversation between him and Dumbledore, even though you don’t know at this point what it was really about. Well, we all do cause we read the books, but you know.

Of course, me and Nicole have this horrible problem of being obnoxious to everyone else in the theater when we see these things with our little comments to each other that makes us laugh. For example:

(it’s a tense moment – Dracos all omg watch me cry I have to kill you Dumbledore because… dun dun dunnnnnnnn…..)

Draco: I’ve been chosen! –shows his arm with the dark mark-
Me: So have I! –holds out my arm with my dark mark tattoo-
Nicole: -snorts, almost spits out drink, and tries very hard not to laugh- Oh my god, I’m gonna remember that for the rest of my life.

Seriously, sometimes I don’t know where this shit comes from lol. I also talked an awful lot about Bellatrix’s boobs. But I mean COME ON. She’s in a freaking CORSET. She gets all out of breath and her chest is heaving and I’m just like damn, look at her boobs. LOL

She still needs to get some work done of those teeth of hers though…

Anyway. I need this damn movie. I need to make another Bellatrix video! My last one was lost during the great sapphiire demise from YouTube lol. So sad too… that was great. I loved it. Damn.

Overall, decent movie, but will never live up to the book (like the rest of them…) Now, back to writing Blackcest. Oh yes, oh yes. I love, I love.

Labels: bellatrix lestrange, blackcest, half blood prince, harry potter, movie, narcissa malfoy

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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