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I have half a gram of meth in front of me.

In my drunken state yesterday I apparently ordered some but promptly passed out before I could smoke it. I woke up this morning, picked it up, picked up my pipe... and just stopped.

I've been clean for two weeks as of today. Two weeks. I already passed the worst part of the dope sickness, and now it's just a matter of will power.

I don't like wasting my money, not when the economy is as bad as it is. But I don't want to smoke it, either.

No, I take that back. I do want to smoke it, bad. So bad I started uploading pictures from "the 12 step job" to my Beth website but then stopped because I didn't have the focus to do it. I have to upload them and place them one by one, you see. Very hard to do when your not all tweeked out.

But then apart of me doesn't want to be a liar. I said I was going to try to stop, and should make every effort to do so.

Regardless of either point of view, it's torturing me.

Sure, I could go to work and sell it. I know plenty of people that will buy it. However I don't like to get involved in the distribution of drugs.

And in some way I feel the need to prove myself to Sarai, which to be honest I find completely ridiculous seeing as I still have no idea where the hell we stand, but then again I know we won't stand anywhere if I pick up this baggie and load my pipe.

Women just aren't supposed to effect me like this. I always do my own thing, and fuck all the bullshit in between.


I frequently do other things in the middle of blogging because of my extreme ADD. So I check my email.

SUBJECT: Dean Devlin sent you an iTunes Gift

Cue me being like, "Wait, what?" Blink. Stare. Blink some more.

Seriously, I love how blonde I've been getting ever since I dyed my hair. Its true, the bleach does sink into your skull. Here I am thinking it's just some scam or promotional email. No matter how much recognition I keep getting from the show I'm still convinced they really have no idea who the fuck I am. Probably because I find it so surreal to begin with.

"Sapphire Smoke -
Heard you missed this episode. Enjoy!
-Dean Devlin"

I love this show. I love these people. You like, don't even understand. The creators, the producers, the network... I'm gonna have thier babies. ROFL.

I wonder how he even knew I missed it. I know I bitched about it on my LJ for a minute through an update over my phone right after my desktop hit the shitter. Oh wait, I actually mentioned it on my last YT video, didn't I? Stupid jail and their stupid rules about not letting me watch my obsessions and have any kind of enjoyment.

I actually have been needing to download iTunes anyway. Was trying to update my ipod yesterday and then was like wait I need iTunes for that, don't I?

Unfortunately, it's gonna have to wait cause I need to already do a system restore because me and my dumb ass decided to try to download some program to get dial up for free so I could FTP the Leverage screencaps to my website instead of doing them one by one (since I lost my AOL dial up with my hard drive pooping out on me), and its like some kind of virus thing. Well not really, just I cant figure out how to unistall it and it keeps popping up and being in my face all obnoxious like. So fuck all that bullshit.

I guess the reason I find myself still questioning if they actually know who I am or not is because I'm a day dreamer. Bad. Like seriously seriously bad. I let my imagination run away with me, and if I actually accept that they know who I am, I'll start hoping that I can actually meet Beth one day (or even just possibly be in contact with her so I can actually expand my website into a better resource), or be able to see an episode getting filmed, or be an extra, or other impossible things like that. This is why i enjoy pessimism: you never get disappointed. lmfao.

That, and you keep getting amazed when things like this happen.

You know, before I started this post I told myself I wouldn't talk about Leverage, because I was planning in my next post to do a recap of the last two episodes (because I have things to say - like always) and also a recap of the first episode of Dollhouse. But oh well. I'll still do it, don't get me wrong, but now my brain's back to Leverage.

Laugh all you want, I know it doesn't stray from it very often so this isn't that unexpected.

I've been feeling so behind in the community lately though. Missing two weeks of Leverage fandom activities is making me feel slightly lost. So many things get updated about it every day in all the comms on LJ, that I had to go back 15 pages in my friends entries to catch up. Yet, I still feel lost.

Really, I think I just need to dive back into some fanfiction. It'll make me feel better. Like I have to time, though. Still need to upload pictures from 12 step and juror for my Beth website. Procrastinating on that due to how long an tedious it is. Really, why can't you just open up Port 21, Budget Suites, you fucking rat bastards that need to make my life harder. One thing I hate about living in an extended stay motel.

I finally got around to making the scene spam of Parker from 12 step, but I hate it. I hate that all I have is Windows Movie Maker. It squashes my creativity and makes my shit look... unprofessional. I don't like that. I have standards for myself, and for the stuff I put out there about the show. I'm an Leverage advertising queen, and it aggravates me that that video I put out is less than satisfactory.

I'm extremely anal and precise when it comes to being "the only" of something. The only YT channel dedicated to a Leverage character, the only website up for Beth Riesgraf. I am the first, I am the only, I have to be the best.

It's a thing I have. HA.

I don't have photoshop either. That makes me want to bang my head against something heavy. I cant make graphics with Paint, people.

I lost all my brushes and shit too. My fonts. Sigh. Its gonna take awhile to get this laptop updated. I also had a program I bought to rip videos from DVDs (that I actually bought and not downloaded illegally, mind you) but I cant remember for the life of me what the name of the program was. Which annoys me as well. Not that I need to rip any DVDs until the Leverage box sets come out, but still.

I really hope they do them like the Xena box sets. I love love love those box sets. Best ones ever made. And since Leverage is up there in my book next to Xena (which if you all have known me for a long time, thats saying something) I'm expecting some good shit.

And conventions. Leverage needs conventions.

Speaking of conventions, tickets to next years Xena con is already on sale. Can I afford them? No. I'm so getting annoyed at my lack of money. I hate having to rely on other people to get pictures of Hudson so I can put them on my website. Which, I have yet to get from last months either. Then again, havent been online much yet to get there yet. More pressing matters to deal with.

And yet I procrastinate doing them by writing in my blog. I gotta work tonight too. Rent and shit like that. I havent had a minute to just have a real day off where I just sit around and do nothing. I've been going and going since I got out of jail. Yesterday at work I made $200, which is pathetic. But people kept looking at my eye like I'm some battered wife.

Bitch, like I would EVER let a MAN hit me. PUH-LEASE.

I do have battered wife syndrome though. I've been so used to getting abused mentally and emotionally by women that I just laid down and took physical abuse from my best friend. I was sick all yesterday, couldn't eat. I know it was because I swallowed so much blood. I also have been having trouble breathing, which leads me to believe I inhaled some as well and that its sitting in my lungs.

Can I go to the hospital though? No. Why? Because even if I don't press charges against her, the state will. And I won't do that to her kids, man. I love her kids like they were my own family.

So here I sit, feeling like shit, beaten up, and yet do nothing about it.

I'm pathetic.

I'm also obsessed with Britney Spear's song "Circus".

rofl. How ADD was THAT moment?

Back to LEVERAGE!

I feel the need to try to analyze my obsession with Parker, because really, I can't figure out why I like her so much. When I write, things tend to subconsciously come out so I'm going to try it right now. Analyzing the character will make me realize alot of why I like her so much, or more ways I relate to her. You ready for this? I tend to get deep. lol.

I get what it's like to be looked at like your crazy when you think you said something completely appropriate in your opinion. It makes you feel like somethings wrong with you, but you can't figure out what it is and you wish to God someone would just tell you. I see that in Parker.

I've noticed I look at Parker beneath the surface. When people look at Parker like that, it's like I can see in her eyes the 'I don't get it' feeling that she has. Like I can read her thoughts. Seriously, this is why I made a fansite for Beth. I find her acting to be amazing. I can rarely feel like I can read a characters mind through just the look in their eyes, but I feel like I can with Parker. That might be partly due to me having some similarities to Parker's personality, or mental state, whichever. But it still has alot to do with Beth's quality as an actress, and it surprises me and slightly even horrifies me that she's not done alot more roles than she has. Its like people can't appreciate the talent that's in front of them. Thank god the Leverage casters did.

Parker tries so hard to fit in, and just when she thinks she is she realizes she still sticks out like a sore thumb. I actually get mad about Eliots comments about her... like in the juror #6 job, when he mentioned she shouldnt do jury duty because theres NORMAL people there. And he said it right in front of her, like he thinks shes so messed up that she doesn't have any kind of feelings. Like shes some sort of thieving robot. Like she's incapable of connecting with the human race when clearly she has some sort of connection to all of them because she's still around and they still want her around.

Its one of the reasons I prefer to ship her with Sophie. While theres not much room for subtext between the two of them thus far in the episodes (which makes me go grr cause they so gave the Eliot/Hardison shippers something in 12 step), Sophie has started to take Parker under her wing almost (at least, when shes not busy bitching/being all over Nate). Shes encouraging to Parker, and it's like she can tell how important it is to Parker that she can interact with people, even though Parker pretends like she couldn't care less.

But we all know everyone cares. Parker included. I've come to realize the secret of life isn't what you do, how much money you make, or how happy you are. The secret to life is interacting with people, because everyone that comes into your life plays some role - whether large or small - to shape who you ultimately become. Everyone that comes into our lives impacts in one way or another, and we grow as human beings. When you don't communicate with other people, you might as well be dead, because you no longer grow. We all learn from our experiences with other people in this life, more so than the ones on your own. Most people don't even stop and think and realize how much interacting with others is an important part of living.

Parker hates who she is. Maybe not hate, thats a little strong, but dislikes a large part of herself. But shes like most people, she puts on a shell of "I don't care what you think" and prays that it doesn't crack when she's around someone else. Crying in front of Hardison in the stork job didn't make her happy, you could see it on her face. You could tell by how she tried to calm herself down quickly and wiped her tears away, rapidly rebuilding her walls so she didn't have feel reality anymore. She even seemed slightly mad at herself for allowing herself to break down like that in front of him. Feelings are what Parker suppresses most of all. I did that for years. I protected myself from my own feelings and hid everything inside myself until finally I broke and went crazy. But during that time I actually acted a lot like Parker did. Slightly detached from reality.

Parker is terrified of her own feelings. She doesn't want to recognize that she does, wether she likes it or not, have major issues. Probably due to being abused. Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually. People foolishly think some of those are worse than others. They all do the same amount of damage, just in different ways. So no, it doesn't matter to be how she was abused. I'm just pretty damn sure that she was in some way or another during her childhood.

I'm planning on writing a fanfiction centered around the anti-depressants the rehab made her take in 12 step. Only because I see so much of myself in Parker, I'm sure that when she got off of them she hated what they did to her. Yeah they make you happier, but they change who you are. They change everything that makes you YOU. Its like feeling that people drug you because the way you were made just isn't goo enough for the real world, so they try to change who you are. Its a horrible feeling to feel like who you are isn't good enough for anyone, and that you have to be someone else to be liked by anyone at all.

That's why I don't take my medication anymore. Sure I "self medicate" with drugs, but not to change who I am, but to stimulate the qualities and abilities I dont have access too when I'm not on them. Like the ability to patiently be able to upload over 200 screen caps one by one. Productivity, basically.

Parker steals to compensate for the things out of her reach. She cant have mental stability, and I find it doubful that she's had any type of realationship in her life other than one based on sex. She can't connect, so she takes what she can get from other people to make up for the things she can't take, have, or get. Or at least, thats my opinion at least. My whole analyzation is actually my opinion, and can't ever be sure unless it plays a role in canon. One thing about TV shows, speculation will always be there. You can ever write an entire person, if you understand what I mean. People are just too complex.

Her ability as a thief is one thing she can be proud of about herself. It's a skill that's meaningful to her, because as a regular human being she has so few. She has to be the best at something, excel outstandingly in one area, to make her feel like shes worth something.

I really could go on forever about Parker and keep bringing up new points and make an entire deduction just based on a simple hand motion she gives, but I won't do that to you all. You have no idea how much I enjoy analyzation, and how deep I can really go. So I'll stop, for now.

Mainly because I just realized its 5:30 and I need to start getting ready for work. Lord, I've been writing forever.

Labels: dean devlin, drugs, leverage, meth, parker

I have half a gram of meth in front of me.

In my drunken state yesterday I apparently ordered some but promptly passed out before I could smoke it. I woke up this morning, picked it up, picked up my pipe... and just stopped.

I've been clean for two weeks as of today. Two weeks. I already passed the worst part of the dope sickness, and now it's just a matter of will power.

I don't like wasting my money, not when the economy is as bad as it is. But I don't want to smoke it, either.

No, I take that back. I do want to smoke it, bad. So bad I started uploading pictures from "the 12 step job" to my Beth website but then stopped because I didn't have the focus to do it. I have to upload them and place them one by one, you see. Very hard to do when your not all tweeked out.

But then apart of me doesn't want to be a liar. I said I was going to try to stop, and should make every effort to do so.

Regardless of either point of view, it's torturing me.

Sure, I could go to work and sell it. I know plenty of people that will buy it. However I don't like to get involved in the distribution of drugs.

And in some way I feel the need to prove myself to Sarai, which to be honest I find completely ridiculous seeing as I still have no idea where the hell we stand, but then again I know we won't stand anywhere if I pick up this baggie and load my pipe.

Women just aren't supposed to effect me like this. I always do my own thing, and fuck all the bullshit in between.


I frequently do other things in the middle of blogging because of my extreme ADD. So I check my email.

SUBJECT: Dean Devlin sent you an iTunes Gift

Cue me being like, "Wait, what?" Blink. Stare. Blink some more.

Seriously, I love how blonde I've been getting ever since I dyed my hair. Its true, the bleach does sink into your skull. Here I am thinking it's just some scam or promotional email. No matter how much recognition I keep getting from the show I'm still convinced they really have no idea who the fuck I am. Probably because I find it so surreal to begin with.

"Sapphire Smoke -
Heard you missed this episode. Enjoy!
-Dean Devlin"

I love this show. I love these people. You like, don't even understand. The creators, the producers, the network... I'm gonna have thier babies. ROFL.

I wonder how he even knew I missed it. I know I bitched about it on my LJ for a minute through an update over my phone right after my desktop hit the shitter. Oh wait, I actually mentioned it on my last YT video, didn't I? Stupid jail and their stupid rules about not letting me watch my obsessions and have any kind of enjoyment.

I actually have been needing to download iTunes anyway. Was trying to update my ipod yesterday and then was like wait I need iTunes for that, don't I?

Unfortunately, it's gonna have to wait cause I need to already do a system restore because me and my dumb ass decided to try to download some program to get dial up for free so I could FTP the Leverage screencaps to my website instead of doing them one by one (since I lost my AOL dial up with my hard drive pooping out on me), and its like some kind of virus thing. Well not really, just I cant figure out how to unistall it and it keeps popping up and being in my face all obnoxious like. So fuck all that bullshit.

I guess the reason I find myself still questioning if they actually know who I am or not is because I'm a day dreamer. Bad. Like seriously seriously bad. I let my imagination run away with me, and if I actually accept that they know who I am, I'll start hoping that I can actually meet Beth one day (or even just possibly be in contact with her so I can actually expand my website into a better resource), or be able to see an episode getting filmed, or be an extra, or other impossible things like that. This is why i enjoy pessimism: you never get disappointed. lmfao.

That, and you keep getting amazed when things like this happen.

You know, before I started this post I told myself I wouldn't talk about Leverage, because I was planning in my next post to do a recap of the last two episodes (because I have things to say - like always) and also a recap of the first episode of Dollhouse. But oh well. I'll still do it, don't get me wrong, but now my brain's back to Leverage.

Laugh all you want, I know it doesn't stray from it very often so this isn't that unexpected.

I've been feeling so behind in the community lately though. Missing two weeks of Leverage fandom activities is making me feel slightly lost. So many things get updated about it every day in all the comms on LJ, that I had to go back 15 pages in my friends entries to catch up. Yet, I still feel lost.

Really, I think I just need to dive back into some fanfiction. It'll make me feel better. Like I have to time, though. Still need to upload pictures from 12 step and juror for my Beth website. Procrastinating on that due to how long an tedious it is. Really, why can't you just open up Port 21, Budget Suites, you fucking rat bastards that need to make my life harder. One thing I hate about living in an extended stay motel.

I finally got around to making the scene spam of Parker from 12 step, but I hate it. I hate that all I have is Windows Movie Maker. It squashes my creativity and makes my shit look... unprofessional. I don't like that. I have standards for myself, and for the stuff I put out there about the show. I'm an Leverage advertising queen, and it aggravates me that that video I put out is less than satisfactory.

I'm extremely anal and precise when it comes to being "the only" of something. The only YT channel dedicated to a Leverage character, the only website up for Beth Riesgraf. I am the first, I am the only, I have to be the best.

It's a thing I have. HA.

I don't have photoshop either. That makes me want to bang my head against something heavy. I cant make graphics with Paint, people.

I lost all my brushes and shit too. My fonts. Sigh. Its gonna take awhile to get this laptop updated. I also had a program I bought to rip videos from DVDs (that I actually bought and not downloaded illegally, mind you) but I cant remember for the life of me what the name of the program was. Which annoys me as well. Not that I need to rip any DVDs until the Leverage box sets come out, but still.

I really hope they do them like the Xena box sets. I love love love those box sets. Best ones ever made. And since Leverage is up there in my book next to Xena (which if you all have known me for a long time, thats saying something) I'm expecting some good shit.

And conventions. Leverage needs conventions.

Speaking of conventions, tickets to next years Xena con is already on sale. Can I afford them? No. I'm so getting annoyed at my lack of money. I hate having to rely on other people to get pictures of Hudson so I can put them on my website. Which, I have yet to get from last months either. Then again, havent been online much yet to get there yet. More pressing matters to deal with.

And yet I procrastinate doing them by writing in my blog. I gotta work tonight too. Rent and shit like that. I havent had a minute to just have a real day off where I just sit around and do nothing. I've been going and going since I got out of jail. Yesterday at work I made $200, which is pathetic. But people kept looking at my eye like I'm some battered wife.

Bitch, like I would EVER let a MAN hit me. PUH-LEASE.

I do have battered wife syndrome though. I've been so used to getting abused mentally and emotionally by women that I just laid down and took physical abuse from my best friend. I was sick all yesterday, couldn't eat. I know it was because I swallowed so much blood. I also have been having trouble breathing, which leads me to believe I inhaled some as well and that its sitting in my lungs.

Can I go to the hospital though? No. Why? Because even if I don't press charges against her, the state will. And I won't do that to her kids, man. I love her kids like they were my own family.

So here I sit, feeling like shit, beaten up, and yet do nothing about it.

I'm pathetic.

I'm also obsessed with Britney Spear's song "Circus".

rofl. How ADD was THAT moment?

Back to LEVERAGE!

I feel the need to try to analyze my obsession with Parker, because really, I can't figure out why I like her so much. When I write, things tend to subconsciously come out so I'm going to try it right now. Analyzing the character will make me realize alot of why I like her so much, or more ways I relate to her. You ready for this? I tend to get deep. lol.

I get what it's like to be looked at like your crazy when you think you said something completely appropriate in your opinion. It makes you feel like somethings wrong with you, but you can't figure out what it is and you wish to God someone would just tell you. I see that in Parker.

I've noticed I look at Parker beneath the surface. When people look at Parker like that, it's like I can see in her eyes the 'I don't get it' feeling that she has. Like I can read her thoughts. Seriously, this is why I made a fansite for Beth. I find her acting to be amazing. I can rarely feel like I can read a characters mind through just the look in their eyes, but I feel like I can with Parker. That might be partly due to me having some similarities to Parker's personality, or mental state, whichever. But it still has alot to do with Beth's quality as an actress, and it surprises me and slightly even horrifies me that she's not done alot more roles than she has. Its like people can't appreciate the talent that's in front of them. Thank god the Leverage casters did.

Parker tries so hard to fit in, and just when she thinks she is she realizes she still sticks out like a sore thumb. I actually get mad about Eliots comments about her... like in the juror #6 job, when he mentioned she shouldnt do jury duty because theres NORMAL people there. And he said it right in front of her, like he thinks shes so messed up that she doesn't have any kind of feelings. Like shes some sort of thieving robot. Like she's incapable of connecting with the human race when clearly she has some sort of connection to all of them because she's still around and they still want her around.

Its one of the reasons I prefer to ship her with Sophie. While theres not much room for subtext between the two of them thus far in the episodes (which makes me go grr cause they so gave the Eliot/Hardison shippers something in 12 step), Sophie has started to take Parker under her wing almost (at least, when shes not busy bitching/being all over Nate). Shes encouraging to Parker, and it's like she can tell how important it is to Parker that she can interact with people, even though Parker pretends like she couldn't care less.

But we all know everyone cares. Parker included. I've come to realize the secret of life isn't what you do, how much money you make, or how happy you are. The secret to life is interacting with people, because everyone that comes into your life plays some role - whether large or small - to shape who you ultimately become. Everyone that comes into our lives impacts in one way or another, and we grow as human beings. When you don't communicate with other people, you might as well be dead, because you no longer grow. We all learn from our experiences with other people in this life, more so than the ones on your own. Most people don't even stop and think and realize how much interacting with others is an important part of living.

Parker hates who she is. Maybe not hate, thats a little strong, but dislikes a large part of herself. But shes like most people, she puts on a shell of "I don't care what you think" and prays that it doesn't crack when she's around someone else. Crying in front of Hardison in the stork job didn't make her happy, you could see it on her face. You could tell by how she tried to calm herself down quickly and wiped her tears away, rapidly rebuilding her walls so she didn't have feel reality anymore. She even seemed slightly mad at herself for allowing herself to break down like that in front of him. Feelings are what Parker suppresses most of all. I did that for years. I protected myself from my own feelings and hid everything inside myself until finally I broke and went crazy. But during that time I actually acted a lot like Parker did. Slightly detached from reality.

Parker is terrified of her own feelings. She doesn't want to recognize that she does, wether she likes it or not, have major issues. Probably due to being abused. Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, or Sexually. People foolishly think some of those are worse than others. They all do the same amount of damage, just in different ways. So no, it doesn't matter to be how she was abused. I'm just pretty damn sure that she was in some way or another during her childhood.

I'm planning on writing a fanfiction centered around the anti-depressants the rehab made her take in 12 step. Only because I see so much of myself in Parker, I'm sure that when she got off of them she hated what they did to her. Yeah they make you happier, but they change who you are. They change everything that makes you YOU. Its like feeling that people drug you because the way you were made just isn't goo enough for the real world, so they try to change who you are. Its a horrible feeling to feel like who you are isn't good enough for anyone, and that you have to be someone else to be liked by anyone at all.

That's why I don't take my medication anymore. Sure I "self medicate" with drugs, but not to change who I am, but to stimulate the qualities and abilities I dont have access too when I'm not on them. Like the ability to patiently be able to upload over 200 screen caps one by one. Productivity, basically.

Parker steals to compensate for the things out of her reach. She cant have mental stability, and I find it doubful that she's had any type of realationship in her life other than one based on sex. She can't connect, so she takes what she can get from other people to make up for the things she can't take, have, or get. Or at least, thats my opinion at least. My whole analyzation is actually my opinion, and can't ever be sure unless it plays a role in canon. One thing about TV shows, speculation will always be there. You can ever write an entire person, if you understand what I mean. People are just too complex.

Her ability as a thief is one thing she can be proud of about herself. It's a skill that's meaningful to her, because as a regular human being she has so few. She has to be the best at something, excel outstandingly in one area, to make her feel like shes worth something.

I really could go on forever about Parker and keep bringing up new points and make an entire deduction just based on a simple hand motion she gives, but I won't do that to you all. You have no idea how much I enjoy analyzation, and how deep I can really go. So I'll stop, for now.

Mainly because I just realized its 5:30 and I need to start getting ready for work. Lord, I've been writing forever.

Labels: dean devlin, drugs, leverage, meth, parker

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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