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"Ma'am, can you please step out of the vehicle?"

Fuck. I'm getting arrested. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK. Hands behind my back. Cuffs on my wrists. In the cop car. My nose itches, of fucking course.

"Before we have our canine unit search the vehicle, is there anything in there that we should know about?"

Yes, my friend has dope in her wallet.

"No."

Such lies. Now she's arrested. We're so fucked off right now. Solicitation of alcohol. Seriously? That is the most bullshit charge in the world to go to jail for.

Carrolton jail.

I'm going crazy. I don't like tiny enclosed spaces. White walls. Enclosed spaces with white walls.

"The walls are screaming, can you hear it?" I ask her as I touch the wall lightly in fascination and lean in closer to hear it.

My craziness is starting to freak her out a bit. She reads the bible outloud. Like it's not going to make my craziness worse or something. RIGHT.

Cause I'm so into the whole God thing and all...

The next day when all the inmates each lunch, we all start to socialize. I never realized how socially awkward I was until that moment. I said something perfectly normal... at least I think I did. And they're laughing and looking at me like I'm weird. Wasn't that a perfectly appropriate thing to say?

I guess not.

A day and a half. My friend gets bailed out. Her bail was 4 times less than mine. My mother tells me she's not going to bail me out at all.

Great. Cause really, spending my 22nd birthday in jail was totally on my list of things to do this year.

Finally Brandi finds me. I get transferred to Tarrant county... then to Mansfield. I cry alot in Mansfield, it's dirty and disgusting and I don't belong there.

Four days later I'm out. Free.

I start this whole life changing path I want to go on. Sarai won't return my phone calls. I get pissed, but let it go for awhile. I don't need her to help me stop the drugs, and start waking up early, and take long walks... enjoy freedom. My diet gets put on hold. After all, after jail food, fuck yes I'm gonna eat what I want and enjoy every last minute of it.

Get home. Try to download Leverage because I missed the episode when I was in jail. My computer has hard drive failure and dies during the middle of it. The end, computer gone.

Then my phone shits out on me. Have to spend another $300 to get a new one.

Saturday night. Drink so much I black out the entire night. I don't remember a single thing. I've never done that. I pass out in the dressing room floor and it takes 45 minutes to wake me up apparently. When they did I took a swing at the bouncer. I wake up the next morning on someones couch. Have no idea where I am. I'm at Peaches house, thankfully.

I decide trading one addiction for another is a bad idea. I put myself on a drinking plan at work with the bar. Only a couple drinks a night.

The day before my birthday. Sarai's roomate works up at Mainstage.

"What's up with Sarai?"

"You want to truth?" she asks me.

No, I want to be lied to. Come on now. "Yes."

"Look she really likes you. Like really really likes you. She talks about you all the time. She can see herself being a relationship with you. But the drugs.. the drugs cant be apart of that."

"I've been clean for a week and a half. I've just been trying to get ahold of her." "You'll get a phone call tomorrow, promise."

She ended up being much more bluntly honest with me when she was drunk at the end of the night, slightly chewed my ass out, but I appreciated it.

I appreciate honesty.

Tuesday. My 22nd birthday. I work at Mainstage (and miss Leverage... AGAIN). Steve has come up to see me for a couple days from NH. My #1 minion.

Brandi doesnt come to my birthday. Neither does Alex. My two really good friends don't come. I text a couple other people, only Mary shows up.

Mary made my birthday. I had so much fun. My first birthday in six years that I didn't cry.

Sarai texts me. I call her.
"Why have you been ignoring me?"

"I'm sorry, I haven't, I've just been really busy with school and work." Lies, I hate lies. Your roomate done already told me you've been avoiding me because of the drugs. You should know by now that I'm the most honest person in the world. I don't lie... I don't expect lies either.

I don't let her know that though. I'll talk to her about that in person.

"When can we meet up?"

"Friday afternoon. I'll call you."

She was all I thought about in jail. Well okay, not all I thought about, but still. She effected me so much only after being around her for one day. She made me want to change my life. I need someone like her in my life. And I really do like her. But who knows what will happen anymore. I used to be sure of things, now I'm just constantly confused.

Wednesday night. Me and Steve go to The Clubhouse.

Everyone freaked out over how skinny I've gotten. Diana is all over me. More so than usual. It's been six months since I've last seen her. While we always get a little freaky when I go up there cause hi, used to be my girlfriend... she was all... GOOGLY and shit. Which I get that way too with her. It's bad. She treats me way better when we're not dating. It was shit like that which made me want her in the first place. But the thing with us is... we never had any closure. I broke up with her because she was married and didn't wanna fuck with that crap anymore. But we still really liked each other at the time.

Hell, we still really like each other.

"I hate you," I tell her.

"You love me," she replies, smirking.

"I don't like coming up here because all we do is live in the past."

"I know."

Not like we're going to stop doing it though. Sometimes the past is a nice place to live in.

Anyway, also see Indica. We all know I am with that bitch. She tells me her and her girl are having some problems, I tell her if she ever feels the need to go back to being a slut again to call me. She gets my number again (she lost it when her phone craped out on her) and tells me she will.

SCORE BITCH.

Get a double dance from Indica and Diana. Its my dirty little fantasy. Seriously. Greatest dance ever.

End up fucking Diana on the couch. Whoops? Hehe.

"I don't want to wait another six months to see you."

"Then call me and we'll hook up or something."

"I will."

This girl never chases anyone, she's spoiled and everyone always comes to her. I said I don't think she'll do it. She said I just need to watch and see.

Guess I will.

Thursday. Out with Brandi and her sister Candace and her boyfriend Josh. Have so much fucking fun... until the end of the night.

"Give me your phone, I want to call my husband."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, your drunk and you said he don't like you drunk."

"Give me the fucking phone, Mary."

"Dude you told me not to let him know your drunk."

She rips it out of my hand. I try to get it back, pissed off that she's treating me like I should just do whatever she says when she says it. She hits me in the face with the phone. I don't feel it, I know I'm hit but no pain. Always that way.

I won't hit her. She's my best friend. I just don't do that.

I try to hold her down. I look down and realize I'm bleeding. EVERYWHERE.

"Oh my fucking god."

My nose is gushing. all down my face, on my hands, my chest, in my hair, on my clothes. Jesus christ, aint no one ever draw my blood before.

I give her props for it and lick it up. I love blood, you don't understand. I was slightly in heaven over it. She didn't break my nose, so it was all good.

She hates me. Still wants to fight me. Punches me in the back of the head when she gets out of the car. Still dont feel it, just know she hit me cause my head went forward. I just sigh. Wow, lets me immature a little longer, shall we? Cause really, it's highschool all over again.

She wants me to get out of the car to fight her. Do I look like some white trash bitch? Negative. I'm too mature for this type of bullshit.

I cry on the way home. Not out of pain, or anger, but only because she's my best friend and she's gonna do me like that. Part of me wishes I did hit her, but I cant hit someone I love. She's been the only one here for me the past four years.

I think before I act, unlike everyone else.

I get home. Huge bruise on my eye. All my blood vessles are popped. It does nothing for my vanity. I'm an angry bitch. You don't fuck with my pretty face.

Her husband told me to press charges against her. I won't. At least, not yet. I don't like involving cops. If she continues to be a cunt I will though, don't get me wrong. I don't know if I want her to get to strike three, because this is number two. I don't know if I want to be friends with her anymore. Best friends dont do this to each other over a fucking phone.

I go to sleep, put ice on my face to stop the swelling some. I wake up, it works very well. No swelling, just a bruise. I can cover that with makeup. Hopefully cover my eye with my hair. We'll see.

Today.

I bought a new computer last night (a laptop), and wake up and finally get to play with it. I download the last episode of Leverage and watch it. Awesome awesome episode. Parker love. But todays entry doesn't include a Leverage ramble, maybe next time.

I did find out though it got renewed for a second season. I'm excited.

Fuck with my computer for a couple hours. Trying to catch up with shit.

Sarai calls me.

"Guess where I'm headed too?"

"I dunno, where?"

"The fucking hospital."

I laugh. "I probably should go there too. What's wrong with you?"

"Infection in my foot."

Basically, we can't hang today. It's cool. Rather her not see me all beat up like this anyway. We swap stories of our physical health issues. She says she'll call me later. Good, so she is still interested in me, obviously. Good sign.

Brandi's sister calls me. Checking up. Asks if I'm okay. I tell her yeah, that the black eye does nothing for my vanity, but she didn't break my nose so it's all cool. She says she'll call me later too.

And now you all are up to date.

Except for one thing....

Labels: dating, ex girlfriends, fighting, hair, jail, women, work

"Ma'am, can you please step out of the vehicle?"

Fuck. I'm getting arrested. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK. Hands behind my back. Cuffs on my wrists. In the cop car. My nose itches, of fucking course.

"Before we have our canine unit search the vehicle, is there anything in there that we should know about?"

Yes, my friend has dope in her wallet.

"No."

Such lies. Now she's arrested. We're so fucked off right now. Solicitation of alcohol. Seriously? That is the most bullshit charge in the world to go to jail for.

Carrolton jail.

I'm going crazy. I don't like tiny enclosed spaces. White walls. Enclosed spaces with white walls.

"The walls are screaming, can you hear it?" I ask her as I touch the wall lightly in fascination and lean in closer to hear it.

My craziness is starting to freak her out a bit. She reads the bible outloud. Like it's not going to make my craziness worse or something. RIGHT.

Cause I'm so into the whole God thing and all...

The next day when all the inmates each lunch, we all start to socialize. I never realized how socially awkward I was until that moment. I said something perfectly normal... at least I think I did. And they're laughing and looking at me like I'm weird. Wasn't that a perfectly appropriate thing to say?

I guess not.

A day and a half. My friend gets bailed out. Her bail was 4 times less than mine. My mother tells me she's not going to bail me out at all.

Great. Cause really, spending my 22nd birthday in jail was totally on my list of things to do this year.

Finally Brandi finds me. I get transferred to Tarrant county... then to Mansfield. I cry alot in Mansfield, it's dirty and disgusting and I don't belong there.

Four days later I'm out. Free.

I start this whole life changing path I want to go on. Sarai won't return my phone calls. I get pissed, but let it go for awhile. I don't need her to help me stop the drugs, and start waking up early, and take long walks... enjoy freedom. My diet gets put on hold. After all, after jail food, fuck yes I'm gonna eat what I want and enjoy every last minute of it.

Get home. Try to download Leverage because I missed the episode when I was in jail. My computer has hard drive failure and dies during the middle of it. The end, computer gone.

Then my phone shits out on me. Have to spend another $300 to get a new one.

Saturday night. Drink so much I black out the entire night. I don't remember a single thing. I've never done that. I pass out in the dressing room floor and it takes 45 minutes to wake me up apparently. When they did I took a swing at the bouncer. I wake up the next morning on someones couch. Have no idea where I am. I'm at Peaches house, thankfully.

I decide trading one addiction for another is a bad idea. I put myself on a drinking plan at work with the bar. Only a couple drinks a night.

The day before my birthday. Sarai's roomate works up at Mainstage.

"What's up with Sarai?"

"You want to truth?" she asks me.

No, I want to be lied to. Come on now. "Yes."

"Look she really likes you. Like really really likes you. She talks about you all the time. She can see herself being a relationship with you. But the drugs.. the drugs cant be apart of that."

"I've been clean for a week and a half. I've just been trying to get ahold of her." "You'll get a phone call tomorrow, promise."

She ended up being much more bluntly honest with me when she was drunk at the end of the night, slightly chewed my ass out, but I appreciated it.

I appreciate honesty.

Tuesday. My 22nd birthday. I work at Mainstage (and miss Leverage... AGAIN). Steve has come up to see me for a couple days from NH. My #1 minion.

Brandi doesnt come to my birthday. Neither does Alex. My two really good friends don't come. I text a couple other people, only Mary shows up.

Mary made my birthday. I had so much fun. My first birthday in six years that I didn't cry.

Sarai texts me. I call her.
"Why have you been ignoring me?"

"I'm sorry, I haven't, I've just been really busy with school and work." Lies, I hate lies. Your roomate done already told me you've been avoiding me because of the drugs. You should know by now that I'm the most honest person in the world. I don't lie... I don't expect lies either.

I don't let her know that though. I'll talk to her about that in person.

"When can we meet up?"

"Friday afternoon. I'll call you."

She was all I thought about in jail. Well okay, not all I thought about, but still. She effected me so much only after being around her for one day. She made me want to change my life. I need someone like her in my life. And I really do like her. But who knows what will happen anymore. I used to be sure of things, now I'm just constantly confused.

Wednesday night. Me and Steve go to The Clubhouse.

Everyone freaked out over how skinny I've gotten. Diana is all over me. More so than usual. It's been six months since I've last seen her. While we always get a little freaky when I go up there cause hi, used to be my girlfriend... she was all... GOOGLY and shit. Which I get that way too with her. It's bad. She treats me way better when we're not dating. It was shit like that which made me want her in the first place. But the thing with us is... we never had any closure. I broke up with her because she was married and didn't wanna fuck with that crap anymore. But we still really liked each other at the time.

Hell, we still really like each other.

"I hate you," I tell her.

"You love me," she replies, smirking.

"I don't like coming up here because all we do is live in the past."

"I know."

Not like we're going to stop doing it though. Sometimes the past is a nice place to live in.

Anyway, also see Indica. We all know I am with that bitch. She tells me her and her girl are having some problems, I tell her if she ever feels the need to go back to being a slut again to call me. She gets my number again (she lost it when her phone craped out on her) and tells me she will.

SCORE BITCH.

Get a double dance from Indica and Diana. Its my dirty little fantasy. Seriously. Greatest dance ever.

End up fucking Diana on the couch. Whoops? Hehe.

"I don't want to wait another six months to see you."

"Then call me and we'll hook up or something."

"I will."

This girl never chases anyone, she's spoiled and everyone always comes to her. I said I don't think she'll do it. She said I just need to watch and see.

Guess I will.

Thursday. Out with Brandi and her sister Candace and her boyfriend Josh. Have so much fucking fun... until the end of the night.

"Give me your phone, I want to call my husband."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, your drunk and you said he don't like you drunk."

"Give me the fucking phone, Mary."

"Dude you told me not to let him know your drunk."

She rips it out of my hand. I try to get it back, pissed off that she's treating me like I should just do whatever she says when she says it. She hits me in the face with the phone. I don't feel it, I know I'm hit but no pain. Always that way.

I won't hit her. She's my best friend. I just don't do that.

I try to hold her down. I look down and realize I'm bleeding. EVERYWHERE.

"Oh my fucking god."

My nose is gushing. all down my face, on my hands, my chest, in my hair, on my clothes. Jesus christ, aint no one ever draw my blood before.

I give her props for it and lick it up. I love blood, you don't understand. I was slightly in heaven over it. She didn't break my nose, so it was all good.

She hates me. Still wants to fight me. Punches me in the back of the head when she gets out of the car. Still dont feel it, just know she hit me cause my head went forward. I just sigh. Wow, lets me immature a little longer, shall we? Cause really, it's highschool all over again.

She wants me to get out of the car to fight her. Do I look like some white trash bitch? Negative. I'm too mature for this type of bullshit.

I cry on the way home. Not out of pain, or anger, but only because she's my best friend and she's gonna do me like that. Part of me wishes I did hit her, but I cant hit someone I love. She's been the only one here for me the past four years.

I think before I act, unlike everyone else.

I get home. Huge bruise on my eye. All my blood vessles are popped. It does nothing for my vanity. I'm an angry bitch. You don't fuck with my pretty face.

Her husband told me to press charges against her. I won't. At least, not yet. I don't like involving cops. If she continues to be a cunt I will though, don't get me wrong. I don't know if I want her to get to strike three, because this is number two. I don't know if I want to be friends with her anymore. Best friends dont do this to each other over a fucking phone.

I go to sleep, put ice on my face to stop the swelling some. I wake up, it works very well. No swelling, just a bruise. I can cover that with makeup. Hopefully cover my eye with my hair. We'll see.

Today.

I bought a new computer last night (a laptop), and wake up and finally get to play with it. I download the last episode of Leverage and watch it. Awesome awesome episode. Parker love. But todays entry doesn't include a Leverage ramble, maybe next time.

I did find out though it got renewed for a second season. I'm excited.

Fuck with my computer for a couple hours. Trying to catch up with shit.

Sarai calls me.

"Guess where I'm headed too?"

"I dunno, where?"

"The fucking hospital."

I laugh. "I probably should go there too. What's wrong with you?"

"Infection in my foot."

Basically, we can't hang today. It's cool. Rather her not see me all beat up like this anyway. We swap stories of our physical health issues. She says she'll call me later. Good, so she is still interested in me, obviously. Good sign.

Brandi's sister calls me. Checking up. Asks if I'm okay. I tell her yeah, that the black eye does nothing for my vanity, but she didn't break my nose so it's all cool. She says she'll call me later too.

And now you all are up to date.

Except for one thing....

Labels: dating, ex girlfriends, fighting, hair, jail, women, work

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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