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I barely ever dream. Or rather I should say, I barely remember my dreams. When I do it tends to be random bits and pieces, like something that is probably irrelevant to the entire dream, like for instance my dream a couple nights ago that involved a purple hamster. That was the only part I remembered, though I did not remember what this hamster did, or if it was mine, or anything else of that sort.

That was not the case last night.

I got home drunk, posted the blog last night, and promptly passed out around four thirty, which is good for me considering I usually end up staying up straight through TNTs morning line up of back to back Angel and back to back Charmed.

The dream felt like I was asleep for hours, that's how much it consisted of. Of course I know dreaming changes every ninety minutes or so if your in a light sleep, and therefore cant last any longer than that, and hell it's even rare that they last over a half an hour. Or at least, that is what I've read in the past. I'm starting to actually think now that I had two different dreams, because I can't seem to remember the connection, though I was sure when I woke up that there was and it flowed into one another seamlessly.

The only thing I remember from the so called first dream would be this girl I used to work with, Cassie, was in it. Now, I had a huge crush on her when I first started working with her, back in say, April or so. I was never with her, because she was dating another woman, which I think she is still with right now. Anyway, to be honest I never figured out if I was drawn to her because of her sexual presence, or more for the fact that I wanted to be like her.

This woman was a lesbian goddess, and no, I don't use that title lightly. She was stunningly beautiful, the most amazing dancer you will ever see in your life, she was a great flirt even when she wasn't trying. She seemed to captivate or intimidate anyone around her just from her presence. Self professed straight women would gladly give up their lesbian virginities for her. She was just that fucking good. Women who never spoke to her in thier life wanted to get to know her more than anything.

I admire that, I want to be that... but I also want to tap that. It's confusing, honestly.

Damn, I'm gonna end up going into background here so the significance of her in my dream is understood. This damn entry is going to be much longer than previously anticipated, good thing I'm not intoxicated this time, it's much easier to write when sober. Surprise, surprise, I know. To be honest, I've always wanted to analyze my attraction to her, because it's something I've never expirenced before, and you'll find out why near the end. But I think that's another reason why I'm going to get very in depth with this.

Anyway, I swear the first time I ever spoke to her, I asked her out on a date. Laugh if you will, but hell I give myself huge props for having the balls to even ask. I had watched her on stage alot previously, since I find myself attracted to women that can dance well and have amazing stage presence, probably left over from when I was a hard core dancer. That dream has since faded with my will to pursue it.

Anyway, to get back on track, I asked a customer to buy me a lap dance from her. From my expirence, women that are great on stage suck at lap dances, and vise versa. She was not the case at all, and gave me the best lap dance anyone has ever given me, outside of the ones I'll get groped, made out with, or fucked during. She I guess gave me the best sensual dance, which to me deserves alot more props.

Afterwards I know I asked her out for something casual. I was intimidated by her, I'll admit that. But I knew if I didn't ask and get over it than nothing was ever gonna come out of anything. You can't start a car just by staring at it, after all.

"Whenever you have a day off, I'd like to take you out to lunch or something."

I said it, and she smiled, and said that would be nice. I breathed, and thanked all the alcohol in my system for allowing me to open my mouth instead of just gawking at her like some sort of idiot.

We never did go out, and for awhile I went back to the intimidated place where I couldn't talk to her. Then I remember one day I got shitty ass drunk, we had been talking off and on for a couple weeks, innocent flirting I guess, and I pinned her up against the wall by the DJ booth. I wish I could remember what I said, but I don't. All I remember is that my friend at the time, Crystal, later said in a sort of shocked awe that she looked intimidated, and that she's never seen her look intimidated by any woman in her life.

I didn't understand it, but it gave me an ego boost. But then again, what doesn't anymore? Point being, I intimidated her. Flirting went on for months, we started doing double dances together and I remember one day we had a customer in VIP give us both four hundred dollars each to just dance for each other. We did nothing explicitly sexual, no kissing, no touching outside the normal double dance ranges, but it was so fucking hot. We ended up having a stack of napkins on the table next to us, for clean up purposes.


I think that's why I liked her so much. She could make me so turned on that I could barely stand it, without even touching me sexually. But was even better, was that here was this lesbian goddess, and she was intimidated by ME. I remember asking her once why she was..

"I've just never had someone purse me like this before, it's usually the other way around."

"You don't like it?"

"I never said that." Smirk, of course.

Okay I'm going far too into this, anyway, I need to make my point, and quickly. Point is, she ended up getting a serious girlfriend and nothing happened. I moved on, started dating another woman there named Diana, though still obviously had an attraction to Cassie, and Diana knew it. No complications arose besides the occasional smart ass remark from Diana about me wanting her, and that was fine.

I got fired from that club, and didn't see Cassie for I guess about three or four months. I still thought about her on and off, and it weirded me out. Fuck, it still weirds me out, but we're not done with the story.

I come in to the club again with my friend Dani, we're just there as customers, getting drunk and getting rowdy. I got some dances from Diana, and we talked a little while, some of which included my newly acclaimed meth problem. Diana knew I did meth while I still worked at that club, but it had turned into doing it once every couple of weeks to two or three times a week, and therefor I started to refer to it as a problem rather than a recreational thing.

I went to go get a dance from Cassie before I left, but she refused to dance for me. I was drunk, high, and confused. She sat on my lap and refused to let me move, and slapped me in the face.

"What the fuck...?!"

"That's for being a fucking idiot, Mary."

I delivered a message to her earlier from a mutual friend we had, that she knew had a huge dope problem. I told her casually that's how we met. Hence why I got slapped. And not once mind you, it happened a lot during our conversation, aka her lecture.

She used my real name alot in the lecture, and it slightly weirded me out. I doubted she even remembered it, and I asked alot why the fuck she cared.. it was just... odd. The last thing I expected from her was to refuse to take my money and would rather sit there and tell me how much she's seen me decline since I left, and that I can do so much better in my life.

Diana slapped me later too, after I told her what happened in my confused state, and asked her why the fuck she didn't slap me, after all we used to be in a relationship and me and Cassie were barely scratching the friend line. She just slapped me and asked if that was better. No, of course not, but Diana was never really good at the emotional things, just physical.

Anyway the ENTIRE point of my long winded explination is that I still think about her. I still dream about her, rarely sexually though, she just seems to be there. Hell even earlier today I was talking to this hot ass dancer and when she spoke to me her voice sounded exactly like Cassie's. It's odd, and it makes me feel weird and slightly uncomfortable. I just don't understand how I woman I had no relationship nor sexual relations with, keeps popping up in my mind. It weirds me out because I feel like some kind of stalker... only like, mentally. I hate it, and don't know why it happens or how to fix it.

I seriously need a therapist.

Anyway, onto the dream, the first part consisted of Cassie being in it, and all I remember is that she was with a friend, whom I can't remember, and somehow paint dripped on my head, and she left her cell phone. Yes, pointless, but I still wanted to analyze the whole... thing, earlier.

My REAL point about the dream was this.

I was driving with a new friend I guess I met at a club, and we were going to work, but we got lost. I remember seeing a truck pull off to the side of the road, and then suddenly my friend did too. I asked why, but before she answered the passenger door was opened and two men started grabbing at me.

I screamed, I kicked one in the face as another groped me roughly, trying to tear off my clothes. I screamed for my friend to do something, but all she replied with was that she was sorry, and that she had to.

I got away, that I remember. I had grabbed my knife from my purse and ran as fast as I could. One caught up with me and I stabbed him in the gut. All I remember was thinking that I wasn't going to let anyone take me again like this. I stabbed him again, and again, and ran faster. Blood was all over my hands, but I didn't care. To me, these men were nothing more than animals, besides that, anyone that ever threatens my safety makes me have the automatic reaction to attack to make myself safe again.

The man stumbles, and I relize I have no where to go. I jump in the back of the car, and the other man was sitting in the drivers side. I put the knife to his throat.

"DRIVE MOTHER FUCKER OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! NOW!"

He didn't oblige. The other man was getting closer. Getting desperate, I slit the man in the drivers seat's throat. The other man was at the window now, and opening the door. I have blood all over me, but I feel savage, and I knew this other man had to die...

And then I woke up. Scared as all holy fuck, I woke up at 7:30am. I grabbed my knife in my purse and just kind of huddled on the couch. After getting my wits about me, I went to the computer and looked up dream interpertation. I had never had a dream like this, and I wanted to know why I had it.

"To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

To dream that you stab someone, indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature."

I guess the past couple days events effected me more than I thought, and I guess I wasn't over my paranoia of betrayal. It's funny, you think your past thing, and it turns out you're not.

I had more to write about work today, but I think this is long enough for now. It wasn't that interesting, unless you count the fact that both me and Dani left work tonight, on a Friday no less, with seven dollars each. That has never happened to me. Well, it has, but not for probably about six months. Yeah everyone has their bad days, but today was just horrible.

I'll leave it at that.

Labels: confusion, crushes, dream interpertaion, dreams, fear, haunting, lesbian, paranoia, past, rape, stabbing, strippers

I barely ever dream. Or rather I should say, I barely remember my dreams. When I do it tends to be random bits and pieces, like something that is probably irrelevant to the entire dream, like for instance my dream a couple nights ago that involved a purple hamster. That was the only part I remembered, though I did not remember what this hamster did, or if it was mine, or anything else of that sort.

That was not the case last night.

I got home drunk, posted the blog last night, and promptly passed out around four thirty, which is good for me considering I usually end up staying up straight through TNTs morning line up of back to back Angel and back to back Charmed.

The dream felt like I was asleep for hours, that's how much it consisted of. Of course I know dreaming changes every ninety minutes or so if your in a light sleep, and therefore cant last any longer than that, and hell it's even rare that they last over a half an hour. Or at least, that is what I've read in the past. I'm starting to actually think now that I had two different dreams, because I can't seem to remember the connection, though I was sure when I woke up that there was and it flowed into one another seamlessly.

The only thing I remember from the so called first dream would be this girl I used to work with, Cassie, was in it. Now, I had a huge crush on her when I first started working with her, back in say, April or so. I was never with her, because she was dating another woman, which I think she is still with right now. Anyway, to be honest I never figured out if I was drawn to her because of her sexual presence, or more for the fact that I wanted to be like her.

This woman was a lesbian goddess, and no, I don't use that title lightly. She was stunningly beautiful, the most amazing dancer you will ever see in your life, she was a great flirt even when she wasn't trying. She seemed to captivate or intimidate anyone around her just from her presence. Self professed straight women would gladly give up their lesbian virginities for her. She was just that fucking good. Women who never spoke to her in thier life wanted to get to know her more than anything.

I admire that, I want to be that... but I also want to tap that. It's confusing, honestly.

Damn, I'm gonna end up going into background here so the significance of her in my dream is understood. This damn entry is going to be much longer than previously anticipated, good thing I'm not intoxicated this time, it's much easier to write when sober. Surprise, surprise, I know. To be honest, I've always wanted to analyze my attraction to her, because it's something I've never expirenced before, and you'll find out why near the end. But I think that's another reason why I'm going to get very in depth with this.

Anyway, I swear the first time I ever spoke to her, I asked her out on a date. Laugh if you will, but hell I give myself huge props for having the balls to even ask. I had watched her on stage alot previously, since I find myself attracted to women that can dance well and have amazing stage presence, probably left over from when I was a hard core dancer. That dream has since faded with my will to pursue it.

Anyway, to get back on track, I asked a customer to buy me a lap dance from her. From my expirence, women that are great on stage suck at lap dances, and vise versa. She was not the case at all, and gave me the best lap dance anyone has ever given me, outside of the ones I'll get groped, made out with, or fucked during. She I guess gave me the best sensual dance, which to me deserves alot more props.

Afterwards I know I asked her out for something casual. I was intimidated by her, I'll admit that. But I knew if I didn't ask and get over it than nothing was ever gonna come out of anything. You can't start a car just by staring at it, after all.

"Whenever you have a day off, I'd like to take you out to lunch or something."

I said it, and she smiled, and said that would be nice. I breathed, and thanked all the alcohol in my system for allowing me to open my mouth instead of just gawking at her like some sort of idiot.

We never did go out, and for awhile I went back to the intimidated place where I couldn't talk to her. Then I remember one day I got shitty ass drunk, we had been talking off and on for a couple weeks, innocent flirting I guess, and I pinned her up against the wall by the DJ booth. I wish I could remember what I said, but I don't. All I remember is that my friend at the time, Crystal, later said in a sort of shocked awe that she looked intimidated, and that she's never seen her look intimidated by any woman in her life.

I didn't understand it, but it gave me an ego boost. But then again, what doesn't anymore? Point being, I intimidated her. Flirting went on for months, we started doing double dances together and I remember one day we had a customer in VIP give us both four hundred dollars each to just dance for each other. We did nothing explicitly sexual, no kissing, no touching outside the normal double dance ranges, but it was so fucking hot. We ended up having a stack of napkins on the table next to us, for clean up purposes.


I think that's why I liked her so much. She could make me so turned on that I could barely stand it, without even touching me sexually. But was even better, was that here was this lesbian goddess, and she was intimidated by ME. I remember asking her once why she was..

"I've just never had someone purse me like this before, it's usually the other way around."

"You don't like it?"

"I never said that." Smirk, of course.

Okay I'm going far too into this, anyway, I need to make my point, and quickly. Point is, she ended up getting a serious girlfriend and nothing happened. I moved on, started dating another woman there named Diana, though still obviously had an attraction to Cassie, and Diana knew it. No complications arose besides the occasional smart ass remark from Diana about me wanting her, and that was fine.

I got fired from that club, and didn't see Cassie for I guess about three or four months. I still thought about her on and off, and it weirded me out. Fuck, it still weirds me out, but we're not done with the story.

I come in to the club again with my friend Dani, we're just there as customers, getting drunk and getting rowdy. I got some dances from Diana, and we talked a little while, some of which included my newly acclaimed meth problem. Diana knew I did meth while I still worked at that club, but it had turned into doing it once every couple of weeks to two or three times a week, and therefor I started to refer to it as a problem rather than a recreational thing.

I went to go get a dance from Cassie before I left, but she refused to dance for me. I was drunk, high, and confused. She sat on my lap and refused to let me move, and slapped me in the face.

"What the fuck...?!"

"That's for being a fucking idiot, Mary."

I delivered a message to her earlier from a mutual friend we had, that she knew had a huge dope problem. I told her casually that's how we met. Hence why I got slapped. And not once mind you, it happened a lot during our conversation, aka her lecture.

She used my real name alot in the lecture, and it slightly weirded me out. I doubted she even remembered it, and I asked alot why the fuck she cared.. it was just... odd. The last thing I expected from her was to refuse to take my money and would rather sit there and tell me how much she's seen me decline since I left, and that I can do so much better in my life.

Diana slapped me later too, after I told her what happened in my confused state, and asked her why the fuck she didn't slap me, after all we used to be in a relationship and me and Cassie were barely scratching the friend line. She just slapped me and asked if that was better. No, of course not, but Diana was never really good at the emotional things, just physical.

Anyway the ENTIRE point of my long winded explination is that I still think about her. I still dream about her, rarely sexually though, she just seems to be there. Hell even earlier today I was talking to this hot ass dancer and when she spoke to me her voice sounded exactly like Cassie's. It's odd, and it makes me feel weird and slightly uncomfortable. I just don't understand how I woman I had no relationship nor sexual relations with, keeps popping up in my mind. It weirds me out because I feel like some kind of stalker... only like, mentally. I hate it, and don't know why it happens or how to fix it.

I seriously need a therapist.

Anyway, onto the dream, the first part consisted of Cassie being in it, and all I remember is that she was with a friend, whom I can't remember, and somehow paint dripped on my head, and she left her cell phone. Yes, pointless, but I still wanted to analyze the whole... thing, earlier.

My REAL point about the dream was this.

I was driving with a new friend I guess I met at a club, and we were going to work, but we got lost. I remember seeing a truck pull off to the side of the road, and then suddenly my friend did too. I asked why, but before she answered the passenger door was opened and two men started grabbing at me.

I screamed, I kicked one in the face as another groped me roughly, trying to tear off my clothes. I screamed for my friend to do something, but all she replied with was that she was sorry, and that she had to.

I got away, that I remember. I had grabbed my knife from my purse and ran as fast as I could. One caught up with me and I stabbed him in the gut. All I remember was thinking that I wasn't going to let anyone take me again like this. I stabbed him again, and again, and ran faster. Blood was all over my hands, but I didn't care. To me, these men were nothing more than animals, besides that, anyone that ever threatens my safety makes me have the automatic reaction to attack to make myself safe again.

The man stumbles, and I relize I have no where to go. I jump in the back of the car, and the other man was sitting in the drivers side. I put the knife to his throat.

"DRIVE MOTHER FUCKER OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! NOW!"

He didn't oblige. The other man was getting closer. Getting desperate, I slit the man in the drivers seat's throat. The other man was at the window now, and opening the door. I have blood all over me, but I feel savage, and I knew this other man had to die...

And then I woke up. Scared as all holy fuck, I woke up at 7:30am. I grabbed my knife in my purse and just kind of huddled on the couch. After getting my wits about me, I went to the computer and looked up dream interpertation. I had never had a dream like this, and I wanted to know why I had it.

"To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. You are feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

To dream that you stab someone, indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature."

I guess the past couple days events effected me more than I thought, and I guess I wasn't over my paranoia of betrayal. It's funny, you think your past thing, and it turns out you're not.

I had more to write about work today, but I think this is long enough for now. It wasn't that interesting, unless you count the fact that both me and Dani left work tonight, on a Friday no less, with seven dollars each. That has never happened to me. Well, it has, but not for probably about six months. Yeah everyone has their bad days, but today was just horrible.

I'll leave it at that.

Labels: confusion, crushes, dream interpertaion, dreams, fear, haunting, lesbian, paranoia, past, rape, stabbing, strippers

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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