Thursday, June 18, 2009
@ 5:20 PM
Walking into my apartment was like walking into just that, an apartment, not a home. It’s all wood floors, white walls, and echoed noises. There’s nothing in it, it doesn’t feel like a home yet, yet for some reason I’m compelled to stay here. I have things I need to do, a lot of things, but it’s freaking ninety something degrees outside everyday and taking public transportation is like an open invitation to get harassed. Usually when I venture out into the world I wear a big sweatshirt, no makeup, and try as hard as I can to look like warmed over shit, but in the summer I can’t. In the summer it’s all boobs and legs. It’s too hot for anything else.
Sometimes I feel like I have this magnetic pull to people that I wish to God I could just turn off. Everyone wants to meet me, everyone wants to talk to me. Why? I’m serious, why? Can you really tell I might possibly be semi-interesting from across the street, across the bus? I put on headphones and make myself to look like a bitch for a reason; I don’t like people. I don’t want to meet you, I just don’t. I have to mentally prepare myself to meet people, I have to go out just for that purpose, or know that where I’m going I’m possibly going to be meeting people.
The worst part? I feel compelled to be nice. I have men hitting on me and I can do nothing else but try to politely tell them I’m gay, for it to usually not make a difference in the end because half of the men that approach me are ghetto mother fuckers and have this delusion that they “can make (me) straight, momma”. I ain’t nobody’s momma, boy.
I really need a job where I can just stay home all the time. No one has any idea how happy that would make me. And yes, while I do have a part-time job that allows me to do so, it doesn’t pay all my bills. I’m running dangerously low on money right now, and I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to pay next months rent, even though I have a special of $325, largely due to the fact that NEXT month it’ll be $850 and I have to go home at the end of the month to Massachusetts. I can’t just not either, my mother set up dentist appointments that she’s going to pay for. I need to fix my meth mouth. Badly.
I keep feeling the urge to strip again, but I promised so many people I wouldn’t anymore, so I don’t really know what to do. It’s hard to get a job in this economy. It just is.
Not that I really could strip even if I wanted to, my dance bag with all my clothes was stolen back in March. Stripper clothes are expensive; I can’t afford them right now.
Plus, I’ve gotten fat. I love how I say that while I’m eating icecream, way to go Mary.
I feel so unproductive right now too. I’ve been staying home, fucking off due to the ungodly heat, and yet still have done nothing to justify it. I could feel better even if I wrote a Leverage fanfiction, or finished one of the two Leverage videos I’m currently in the middle of. Hell, I’d even feel better if I made another porn video, or at least a YouTube one. But I just… don’t feel like it.
I’ve become a Twitter addict. I feel bad for everyone that follows me, I really do. I updated 92 times yesterday, that’s a bit much. Granted most of it was in conversation with other people, but still.
I haven’t talked to my brother in like a week, that’s just not acceptable. I need to call him. Usually we talk every other day. I love him so much, he’s the only one I’m really always happy when I’m around him. I can’t wait to take him to the first Leverage convention, that’s gonna be our thing. I promised him Xena a million years ago, but I haven’t even gone myself, and NOT going to the Leverage one just isn’t an option, so I gotta take him with me. It’s going to be so much fun.
Granted, that probably won’t be for like another year. Maybe longer.
I’m starting to hate America’s view on nudity. I just am at the moment. And I’m completely frustrated with talking to someone else to talk to another person. I don’t like grapevine crap, and while half the time I couldn’t care less that I can’t get in touch with this person, sometimes, like now, it’s frustrating. I’m trying to be courteous, and I don’t know… back to the “fan” rant I had a couple days ago. Seriously. Can I just be Mary for a minute? Is that too much to ask? Fuck the “Sapphire Smoke” persona, I just want to be a person for half a damn second. I don’t like having to go through someone else because really, its not even their problem. It doesn’t specifically concern them, you know? But I’m just stuck behind this little wall right now, I guess. I wanna kick a hole in it, but it only collapses from the other way.
I need to get up the effort to make a crappy webcam porn video. I feel dumb even doing it, I hate webcam bullshit, but it’s the only camera I have at the moment since my other one got stolen, and I need money.
Damnit.
Porn. Naked. Tits. Pussy. All the bullshit.
Though, to be fair to the other side, when I saw Gina Bellman naked I thought like a man. I was like “God DAYUM”. But I don’t know, for some reason with Beth, while it distracted me for a moment (because I’m only human) she’s such a good actress, and her character was so damn INNOCENT, that it made me feel wrong for even looking at her like that. See, that’s what I call good lol. If you can make me feel perverted due to how good your acting is, then mad props, girl. Not that I'm saying Gina isn't a good actress, shes phenomenal, but I don't know, she's really REALLY sexy lol. Beth is very girl next door to me. I'm not usually sexually attracted to blondes (as I am a blonde at the moment, odd, I know)
I still want to see that movie. I’m going to keep saying that until I get it. It looked so CUTE. God lol.
Celine Dion is depressing me at the moment; I need to stop listening to her. I need to go watch Xena, don’t ask me why; I just feel I need to at the moment. So I’m off to do that I guess.
Labels: apartment, beth riesgraf, gina bellman, leverage, public trasportation
