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Okay so I wrote this yesterday before work. And while I don't feel COMPLETELY this way today (mainly more due to me being hung over and shit and don't care about anything at all at the moment)... I was really REALLY upset yesterday. Like, bad. So because this was a big deal for me yesterday I'm still gonna post it. And yes, I do feel this way still on some kind of level, but not crazy intensely so like I did yesterday. But it's always there. Underneath or whatever.


I know I shouldn’t let shit like this get to me, but it does. I’m too sensitive, it should be a crime.

Now I feel stupid for even posting that video – do I really have no right to be insulted? Should I just take it because I’m attractive and therefore lucky? Why do I suddenly not have a right to feel what I feel?

“Fishing for compliments”… right. No, saying “I’m ugly” when I’m NOT would be fishing for compliments. I don’t need compliments; I get them all the time, and more than half the time don’t even want them. They’re all superficial and mixed with ulterior motives anyway. It’s not full of myself to know I’m pretty – it’s just a fact. Just like the sky is blue. Seriously, that’s how I see it. Just like it’s a fact that I am overweight – which then honestly bothers me when people say I’m not.

What people online fail to realize is that I’m very good at photoshop. My stomach and thighs do not look the way I present them online. I’m vain, and am not happy with my own body so I fix it. I wear a damn body shaper under my clothes too. My stomach doesn’t look the way it does in videos, I fix it cause I’m not happy with it. Hence why I’m popping diet pills all the time, I mean come on people.

And it shouldn’t bother me… this person isn’t subscribed to my videos – probably doesn’t even watch Leverage. They just subscribed to my “RuiningYourSelfImage” channel (for stalking purposes maybe? Weird) and you know what? I expect assholes there. I can deal with that for some reason. But when it’s on my Parker channel I get so offended and get really upset – hence the video about the emails I’ve gotten.

It just insulted me and I think I had the right to say something about it. I don’t need anyone to tell me that my fics/videos are good. I know people enjoy them; I get comments on them all the time. I just wanted people to be like ”They’re assholes.” Yeah, that would make me feel better. If I was fishing for anything, it’d be confirmation that it was just a rude thing to do. And yes, now I’m fishing or just hoping for people to tell me I’m right to make me feel better about doing it, and I don’t understand how one comment can just ruin everything for me. I felt better after making that video and then that comes along and I just want to take it down now.

I’m so fucking SENSITIVE. Jesus lord.

Those emails really upset me, and I’ve told some people about them and brushed them off for awhile but the last one just… really angered me so I decided to do something about it. I don’t want to be looked at like some dumb bitch who’s getting paid to advertise something.

I really REALLY love Leverage. I do. It just… upsets me that people think I’m doing what I do for other reasons.

I dunno. I wish I never put it up now. Even if I think I have a valid reason to be insulted by it all, I don’t want to be looked at like a conceited bitch.

It’s just a stupid fact. I should start doing videos with no makeup on, no fake hair, some big oversized t shirt, and just looking like ass – but I’m too vain for all of that. Wish I wasn’t.

I feel like I have no right to feel the things I do anymore.

I used to love being an attention whore online, which is why I made up the whole “Sapphire Smoke” persona or even a bit of a franchise since I make money from doing some things with that name. I’ve never been good with real life attention but online attention used to make me feel good. Mainly because I started it when I did finally realize I was pretty.

I didn’t used to always look this way guys, or at least it never seemed that way by the way people were to me. My self esteem was shot to fuck and back in middle school and high school. I was unpopular, picked on… it was a really horrible time for me, okay? I never dated, I have never in my life gotten asked to a school dance… never went to prom. I’ve never even STILL in my whole like slow danced with another person. Never. I don’t even know if I could do it. I’ve been taken out of two official dates my whole life. Two.

I don’t want to sound like a cliché, like some late bloomer or whatever, but it’s the truth. I was never anyone special as a teenager. Which is stupid, because I still pretty much looked the same, but I guess no one thought I was pretty then. No one ever told me so except my freaking mother lol. So when I moved to Texas, started modeling because for some reason people thought I’d be good at it… yeah I got really really into myself and how I looked. I never had that, so it was something new.

Yes, I still enjoy modeling. I still enjoy feeling beautiful, but I’ve begun to not like the compliments now. I already know, okay? I just enjoy looking pretty for myself now, and it really just kind of ruins it to be honked at constantly and hit on by weird strangers and I’m just… I’m so much of a loner, I always just want to be left the fuck alone, that I can’t handle it in real life. And even online it hasn’t even begun to really matter. I take those pictures because now I just… I LOVE feeling that way, even for a moment. Beauty is something, still after only four years of slowly realizing it, that I do enjoy for myself.

But that’s why the whole sapphiire YouTube channel was so catered to and my RuiningYourSelfImage one isn’t now. I was still so into it all, into all the attention, and now I’m just… not. I don’t want to be internet famous anymore, I just fucking don’t. Especially when I started to realize it can spill into my real life where I just feel uncomfortable about it all. And it even makes me feel weird now to have fans. Yeah at first it was a huge ego boost… but I feel bad for these little girls that look up to me, that think I’m fucking amazing for being a drug addicted stripper. I mean, really? I just don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to look up to someone like me.

I used to love being Sapphire Smoke, and I just don’t anymore. And it’s a big problem for many reasons. Everything online I do is under that name and online is the only place I love, the only place I really have friends. I love doing fanfic and making videos and doing my websites and if I was to completely disappear, make that NAME completely disappear… I lose a lot of stuff I worked so hard on. I’d have to disappear online. No more websites, no more fan fiction, no more twitter, no more myspace, no more anything. It would all just have to be gone.

But it bothers me, this stupid fucking name. I have something’s I have worked so hard on, that I am SO proud of… as MARY, not as Sapphire Smoke… and I can’t tell anyone online because of my stupid name and how it links to everything. Online is all I really know, it’s horrible. You know, people are reposting things I did on other sites that are all under my real full name… and I want to be like “That’s me!” and thank them for all the nice things they’re saying, because god it feels so good… but I can’t. The problem is what I made it though: I continued to use “Sapphire Smoke” in my fandoms, and I shouldn’t have. That was my own fault. Because my fandoms have nothing to do with Sapphire Smoke, they have to do with Mary.

And Sapphire Smoke ruins any chance of any television networks to ever take me seriously. I’m a huge over excited fan and I express my love of things through whatever – websites, YouTube channels, ect… and I get why I can’t link Sapphire Smoke to my real name because of that. People think I’m insane, that Sapphire Smoke is fucking insane, but I’m just passionate.

But maybe I’m stupid to think I could ever be professionally involved in television production. I’m not a very professional person now, am I?

It used to not matter when I was just a stripper, but I’m not anymore, and I have other things I wanna be – other things I wanna do in my life that I’m just crippled by because of that name and what I’ve done with it.

I guess it just upsets me because my fandoms are the one thing that I truly enjoy in life. I have so much fun doing them – but they really fuck me all up don’t they?

Even being so public in the Leverage fandom is starting to make me feel awfully uncomfortable. I used to love it, I did… a lot. It made me feel special and important and all that great shit… and while I still feel like it’s cool, there’s just parts about it that I hate now. I feel like I have to watch what I say and become this other person so I don’t look like a queer so obnoxiously and publicly. Even geeking out in my favorite fandom for me is becoming not fun. I can’t sit here and say the things I want to say because people will see them. Certain people will see them, and yet at the same time everyone will see them. Well okay not EVERYONE, but you know what I mean. A lot of people. And I just want to crawl in a hole right now.

It’s really a lot to do with Beth. Because I’m so public within there I beat up on myself HORRIBLE when I get fan girlish over her. Like I seriously get so mad at myself when I say stupid things like that publicly, mainly because 1) I hate being a fangirl in general, its something I’ll get out of my system once I meet her because then she’ll be real (I know it sounds stupid, but its how my brain works and it’s been like this with everyone I’m a fan of) and 2) I absolutely 100% in no fucking way want Beth or anyone else on the show for that matter to view me in that way. I really really would like to get her involved in the website somehow, even in a small ways, I don’t want the official title anymore due to then it would be something I’m required to do and that makes it less fun… but being the creepy fangirl that is all “OMG!” over her won’t do that.

And I need to get over it, and I WILL, I know I will which is what pisses me off more that I’m doing it now. But it’s just… I don’t know… It’s always what I do at first. And I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be the weirdo fan, I really appreciate and enjoy her work as an actress and don’t want her to feel weird around me, or hell anyone else because of that. I mean I get people feeling weird around me due to my blunt honesty and problem where my brain doesn’t connect to my mouth properly, and that’s fine because that’s just me. So I guess I feel pressured to not be like that now, the fangirl thing, which is hard for me because I share absolutely everything online. And while it’s never been a problem before, I’m paranoid as FUCK that she’ll see it somewhere. I mean she watches my channel, or has before, and I’m not guessing, I KNOW that. She’s seen my website. What else has she seen? It freaks me out now. It was way cool at first, but now it makes me question a lot of other shit.

I’m just awfully paranoid now about everything – and I just need to change myself because the publically of it. I already now feel like I’m doing too much for Beth… but at the same time I know she appreciates it, I just don’t know just how far is too far, you know? Got the website, a YouTube channel, and a fanlisting. I’ve already fucking overdone it I think, but I really am just big into completing things, having it all, and having my website for her ALWAYS be the best even if others pop up. I’m competitive in that area, bad.

This name has totally fucked me in so many ways, but to be fair on the Leverage front even if I didn’t have the name I’d still be just as public. It wasn’t due to the name, it was due to the YouTube channel at first. So… I still fucked myself anyway.

I just kinda wanna disappear. I’m probably sounding like a selfish bitch, I know a lot of other people would love to be in the position I am but I’m just so… terrified of it recently. I wish I wasn’t. But it’s been freaking me out really bad… all of it.

I mean, my fandoms are a private and personal thing. The LAST thing I want ANY of them to know is that I slash them all up to hell in fanfic and write about them having sex. And yes, I have plots, I’m not a complete pervert. I have really good plots in some and some kinda bullshit ones in others. Kinda hit or miss with me. Anyway, yeah, don’t need anyone to know that. It makes me look like a pervert, but really the reason I do them is because I don’t let laid else where, I have a lot of intense sexual energy and if there’s one thing I know how to do with everything I have in me is turn it into something creative, and it makes me happy that other people enjoy it.

But if any of them know that – I’ll die of embarrassment. That’s just… private.

I’ve been all perving out on Gina Bellman too (where did I come up with ‘perving out’? That’s such a horrible way to express that lol), which I’d rather SHE not know, but it won’t be so horrible if she does. I’m really not out to impress her, what she thinks really doesn’t matter to me. I like her work, she is an AMAZING actress… but I really won’t be too fussed if she thinks I’m weird.

Which then makes me question why the fuck I should care if Beth does.

I just feel stupid. Honestly. I don’t know this woman, but I guess it’s cause for once I want to take the only good thing about being public – having her know who I am – and try to use it for something really cool like having her involved. It would be really bad ass for me, and I don't wanna screw up that chance, you know? I mean, I don’t want to be friends with her or anything, I don’t like friends, don’t want friends except for online. I can’t handle real life friendships for some reason. So I’m not delusional or anything, I do think what I want is pretty valid and doable… but then there’s the whole… thing I hate. Fangirl bullshit publicness that is the bad part of this whole thing.

I’m going in circles. I just feel uncomfortable right now. That’s it. The end.

Labels: beauty, fandoms, haters, leverage, name, sapphire smoke

Okay so I wrote this yesterday before work. And while I don't feel COMPLETELY this way today (mainly more due to me being hung over and shit and don't care about anything at all at the moment)... I was really REALLY upset yesterday. Like, bad. So because this was a big deal for me yesterday I'm still gonna post it. And yes, I do feel this way still on some kind of level, but not crazy intensely so like I did yesterday. But it's always there. Underneath or whatever.


I know I shouldn’t let shit like this get to me, but it does. I’m too sensitive, it should be a crime.

Now I feel stupid for even posting that video – do I really have no right to be insulted? Should I just take it because I’m attractive and therefore lucky? Why do I suddenly not have a right to feel what I feel?

“Fishing for compliments”… right. No, saying “I’m ugly” when I’m NOT would be fishing for compliments. I don’t need compliments; I get them all the time, and more than half the time don’t even want them. They’re all superficial and mixed with ulterior motives anyway. It’s not full of myself to know I’m pretty – it’s just a fact. Just like the sky is blue. Seriously, that’s how I see it. Just like it’s a fact that I am overweight – which then honestly bothers me when people say I’m not.

What people online fail to realize is that I’m very good at photoshop. My stomach and thighs do not look the way I present them online. I’m vain, and am not happy with my own body so I fix it. I wear a damn body shaper under my clothes too. My stomach doesn’t look the way it does in videos, I fix it cause I’m not happy with it. Hence why I’m popping diet pills all the time, I mean come on people.

And it shouldn’t bother me… this person isn’t subscribed to my videos – probably doesn’t even watch Leverage. They just subscribed to my “RuiningYourSelfImage” channel (for stalking purposes maybe? Weird) and you know what? I expect assholes there. I can deal with that for some reason. But when it’s on my Parker channel I get so offended and get really upset – hence the video about the emails I’ve gotten.

It just insulted me and I think I had the right to say something about it. I don’t need anyone to tell me that my fics/videos are good. I know people enjoy them; I get comments on them all the time. I just wanted people to be like ”They’re assholes.” Yeah, that would make me feel better. If I was fishing for anything, it’d be confirmation that it was just a rude thing to do. And yes, now I’m fishing or just hoping for people to tell me I’m right to make me feel better about doing it, and I don’t understand how one comment can just ruin everything for me. I felt better after making that video and then that comes along and I just want to take it down now.

I’m so fucking SENSITIVE. Jesus lord.

Those emails really upset me, and I’ve told some people about them and brushed them off for awhile but the last one just… really angered me so I decided to do something about it. I don’t want to be looked at like some dumb bitch who’s getting paid to advertise something.

I really REALLY love Leverage. I do. It just… upsets me that people think I’m doing what I do for other reasons.

I dunno. I wish I never put it up now. Even if I think I have a valid reason to be insulted by it all, I don’t want to be looked at like a conceited bitch.

It’s just a stupid fact. I should start doing videos with no makeup on, no fake hair, some big oversized t shirt, and just looking like ass – but I’m too vain for all of that. Wish I wasn’t.

I feel like I have no right to feel the things I do anymore.

I used to love being an attention whore online, which is why I made up the whole “Sapphire Smoke” persona or even a bit of a franchise since I make money from doing some things with that name. I’ve never been good with real life attention but online attention used to make me feel good. Mainly because I started it when I did finally realize I was pretty.

I didn’t used to always look this way guys, or at least it never seemed that way by the way people were to me. My self esteem was shot to fuck and back in middle school and high school. I was unpopular, picked on… it was a really horrible time for me, okay? I never dated, I have never in my life gotten asked to a school dance… never went to prom. I’ve never even STILL in my whole like slow danced with another person. Never. I don’t even know if I could do it. I’ve been taken out of two official dates my whole life. Two.

I don’t want to sound like a cliché, like some late bloomer or whatever, but it’s the truth. I was never anyone special as a teenager. Which is stupid, because I still pretty much looked the same, but I guess no one thought I was pretty then. No one ever told me so except my freaking mother lol. So when I moved to Texas, started modeling because for some reason people thought I’d be good at it… yeah I got really really into myself and how I looked. I never had that, so it was something new.

Yes, I still enjoy modeling. I still enjoy feeling beautiful, but I’ve begun to not like the compliments now. I already know, okay? I just enjoy looking pretty for myself now, and it really just kind of ruins it to be honked at constantly and hit on by weird strangers and I’m just… I’m so much of a loner, I always just want to be left the fuck alone, that I can’t handle it in real life. And even online it hasn’t even begun to really matter. I take those pictures because now I just… I LOVE feeling that way, even for a moment. Beauty is something, still after only four years of slowly realizing it, that I do enjoy for myself.

But that’s why the whole sapphiire YouTube channel was so catered to and my RuiningYourSelfImage one isn’t now. I was still so into it all, into all the attention, and now I’m just… not. I don’t want to be internet famous anymore, I just fucking don’t. Especially when I started to realize it can spill into my real life where I just feel uncomfortable about it all. And it even makes me feel weird now to have fans. Yeah at first it was a huge ego boost… but I feel bad for these little girls that look up to me, that think I’m fucking amazing for being a drug addicted stripper. I mean, really? I just don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to look up to someone like me.

I used to love being Sapphire Smoke, and I just don’t anymore. And it’s a big problem for many reasons. Everything online I do is under that name and online is the only place I love, the only place I really have friends. I love doing fanfic and making videos and doing my websites and if I was to completely disappear, make that NAME completely disappear… I lose a lot of stuff I worked so hard on. I’d have to disappear online. No more websites, no more fan fiction, no more twitter, no more myspace, no more anything. It would all just have to be gone.

But it bothers me, this stupid fucking name. I have something’s I have worked so hard on, that I am SO proud of… as MARY, not as Sapphire Smoke… and I can’t tell anyone online because of my stupid name and how it links to everything. Online is all I really know, it’s horrible. You know, people are reposting things I did on other sites that are all under my real full name… and I want to be like “That’s me!” and thank them for all the nice things they’re saying, because god it feels so good… but I can’t. The problem is what I made it though: I continued to use “Sapphire Smoke” in my fandoms, and I shouldn’t have. That was my own fault. Because my fandoms have nothing to do with Sapphire Smoke, they have to do with Mary.

And Sapphire Smoke ruins any chance of any television networks to ever take me seriously. I’m a huge over excited fan and I express my love of things through whatever – websites, YouTube channels, ect… and I get why I can’t link Sapphire Smoke to my real name because of that. People think I’m insane, that Sapphire Smoke is fucking insane, but I’m just passionate.

But maybe I’m stupid to think I could ever be professionally involved in television production. I’m not a very professional person now, am I?

It used to not matter when I was just a stripper, but I’m not anymore, and I have other things I wanna be – other things I wanna do in my life that I’m just crippled by because of that name and what I’ve done with it.

I guess it just upsets me because my fandoms are the one thing that I truly enjoy in life. I have so much fun doing them – but they really fuck me all up don’t they?

Even being so public in the Leverage fandom is starting to make me feel awfully uncomfortable. I used to love it, I did… a lot. It made me feel special and important and all that great shit… and while I still feel like it’s cool, there’s just parts about it that I hate now. I feel like I have to watch what I say and become this other person so I don’t look like a queer so obnoxiously and publicly. Even geeking out in my favorite fandom for me is becoming not fun. I can’t sit here and say the things I want to say because people will see them. Certain people will see them, and yet at the same time everyone will see them. Well okay not EVERYONE, but you know what I mean. A lot of people. And I just want to crawl in a hole right now.

It’s really a lot to do with Beth. Because I’m so public within there I beat up on myself HORRIBLE when I get fan girlish over her. Like I seriously get so mad at myself when I say stupid things like that publicly, mainly because 1) I hate being a fangirl in general, its something I’ll get out of my system once I meet her because then she’ll be real (I know it sounds stupid, but its how my brain works and it’s been like this with everyone I’m a fan of) and 2) I absolutely 100% in no fucking way want Beth or anyone else on the show for that matter to view me in that way. I really really would like to get her involved in the website somehow, even in a small ways, I don’t want the official title anymore due to then it would be something I’m required to do and that makes it less fun… but being the creepy fangirl that is all “OMG!” over her won’t do that.

And I need to get over it, and I WILL, I know I will which is what pisses me off more that I’m doing it now. But it’s just… I don’t know… It’s always what I do at first. And I fucking hate it. I don’t want to be the weirdo fan, I really appreciate and enjoy her work as an actress and don’t want her to feel weird around me, or hell anyone else because of that. I mean I get people feeling weird around me due to my blunt honesty and problem where my brain doesn’t connect to my mouth properly, and that’s fine because that’s just me. So I guess I feel pressured to not be like that now, the fangirl thing, which is hard for me because I share absolutely everything online. And while it’s never been a problem before, I’m paranoid as FUCK that she’ll see it somewhere. I mean she watches my channel, or has before, and I’m not guessing, I KNOW that. She’s seen my website. What else has she seen? It freaks me out now. It was way cool at first, but now it makes me question a lot of other shit.

I’m just awfully paranoid now about everything – and I just need to change myself because the publically of it. I already now feel like I’m doing too much for Beth… but at the same time I know she appreciates it, I just don’t know just how far is too far, you know? Got the website, a YouTube channel, and a fanlisting. I’ve already fucking overdone it I think, but I really am just big into completing things, having it all, and having my website for her ALWAYS be the best even if others pop up. I’m competitive in that area, bad.

This name has totally fucked me in so many ways, but to be fair on the Leverage front even if I didn’t have the name I’d still be just as public. It wasn’t due to the name, it was due to the YouTube channel at first. So… I still fucked myself anyway.

I just kinda wanna disappear. I’m probably sounding like a selfish bitch, I know a lot of other people would love to be in the position I am but I’m just so… terrified of it recently. I wish I wasn’t. But it’s been freaking me out really bad… all of it.

I mean, my fandoms are a private and personal thing. The LAST thing I want ANY of them to know is that I slash them all up to hell in fanfic and write about them having sex. And yes, I have plots, I’m not a complete pervert. I have really good plots in some and some kinda bullshit ones in others. Kinda hit or miss with me. Anyway, yeah, don’t need anyone to know that. It makes me look like a pervert, but really the reason I do them is because I don’t let laid else where, I have a lot of intense sexual energy and if there’s one thing I know how to do with everything I have in me is turn it into something creative, and it makes me happy that other people enjoy it.

But if any of them know that – I’ll die of embarrassment. That’s just… private.

I’ve been all perving out on Gina Bellman too (where did I come up with ‘perving out’? That’s such a horrible way to express that lol), which I’d rather SHE not know, but it won’t be so horrible if she does. I’m really not out to impress her, what she thinks really doesn’t matter to me. I like her work, she is an AMAZING actress… but I really won’t be too fussed if she thinks I’m weird.

Which then makes me question why the fuck I should care if Beth does.

I just feel stupid. Honestly. I don’t know this woman, but I guess it’s cause for once I want to take the only good thing about being public – having her know who I am – and try to use it for something really cool like having her involved. It would be really bad ass for me, and I don't wanna screw up that chance, you know? I mean, I don’t want to be friends with her or anything, I don’t like friends, don’t want friends except for online. I can’t handle real life friendships for some reason. So I’m not delusional or anything, I do think what I want is pretty valid and doable… but then there’s the whole… thing I hate. Fangirl bullshit publicness that is the bad part of this whole thing.

I’m going in circles. I just feel uncomfortable right now. That’s it. The end.

Labels: beauty, fandoms, haters, leverage, name, sapphire smoke

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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