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I swear at some point during the day I had a list of things to do, and a plan to get them all done. How do I always get myself so sidetracked? It was really simple too, anything that a fully capable adult should be able to do in a matter of the day they are awake. All I had to do was:


-Do the laundry
-Take out the trash
-Watch the series premier of Leverage
-Make the custom smoking fetish video request that just came in
-Clean the damn house

I have now been awake and functioning for, oh, probably seven or so hours. I still have another five before I need to attempt to hit the sack, but I know even within those five more hours I still won't get anything done. It wasn't a complete and total waste of my day, however. I did do the laundry and I did watch Leverage, which I recommend to all of you, it seems like it's going to be a great show.

But I somehow managed to get myself distracted with redesigning the layout for this blog, and then obsessively trying to find somewhere to host a stupid mp3 or wav file so I can embed a music player that will play the stupid song this layout is based off of (which is Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"). I honestly find it ridiculous that my hosting website for all three of my websites, while it says it will accept files that are .wav, keeps throwing me errors each time I try to upload it. I'm frustrated, and for now I give up. At least I think I do.

I also finished catching up on Bones, and am now currently up to date. I doubt any of you care, nor are as oddly obsessed with television shows like I seem to be, but it's a "yay me" moment. Honestly, I'm glad to say my obsessions are coming back. Granted they are fleeting, and not as long lasting as they used to be, but I have my moments where a week or two is completely dedicated to one thing that I love. It can be kind of bad, however. For example, yesterday I was up until ten in the morning adding to the official Bones wiki, and chatting on the forums, when I was supposed to be in bed by five am to be able to work tonight.

I also decided to get up the guts to try my hand at a Bones fanfiction. While I've liked the show for awhile, and have been a fan of the pairing of Bones (Temperance Brennan) and Angela Montenegro, I never once tried to write a fanfiction.

If you know me, you're probably asking yourself why. Anytime I ever become a fan of a slash couple, which I tell you always tends to be non canon, which even now is ridiculous because Angela is dating a woman named Roxie, so while it's still not far fetched, I still like the idea of Temperance and her together. Anyway, to get back on track, I never tried to write one because I was slightly intimidated by Bone's IQ. Yes, I'm serious. If you've seen the show, you'll know what I'm talking about. She speaks... oddly. Smart, oddly. So my point is, seeing as my IQ is not near genius level, and seeing as I know nothing about Forensic Anthropology, I kind of stayed away from it.

Yesterday I wrote a one shot Brennan/Angela fic, which I've never done. Not the paring thing, you already know I've never done that. I mean a one shot. I'm not a big believer in them. I think if you have an idea to write a story, you should at least make it a semi-decent length. My stories usually include a chapter range from ten to twenty, and have a word range of at least 15,000 up to 40,000. This was a simple little story, with 1,489 words. I posted it on fanfiction.net, and included in the disclaimer that it was just a tester story to see if I could write Dr. Brennan correctly. I honestly didn't think I did too bad, but I have yet to hear anyone else's opinion. So if you watch the show Bones, and have five minutes out of your day, check out the FanFiction.Net link on the right panel and let me know what you think of my characterization of Temperance.

Anyway, my point being with my problem with being distracted, is now after making a new layout for my blog, I feel the need to make a new layout for my website. It's been awhile since the last change, and I think it's time. Problem is, if I do it, It'll probably be up till noon, and nothing that I need to get done will get done.

Lord, someone make me understand the importance of priorities.

In other less fun news, I've just realized I'm sick. I mean I've been coughing since last night, but I figured that was just due to my smoking problem. But no, now my throat hurts like a bitch and my nose is staring to run. Great, cause you know, since I make all this money every damn day at work (note sarcasm), I can totally afford to take off work. This fails, but I'll live. And I just ate the most disgusting soup ever, why the hell was it in my cubbard?

I logged onto facebook earlier and had a "friend suggestion request". I've never gotten one of those before, but apparently someone wants me to be friends with someone else. So open it, what the hell, maybe I actually know this person and it's not another damn fan trying to integrate my facebook account, which is the only thing I have left on the internet for personal purposes.

It was Hudson.

I was like, wait, what? I saw Anita got one earlier, but I thought Hudson knew absolutely nothing about computers. Kind of reminds me of Brandi, she hounded me for hours to fix her myspace and facebook profiles when she got them. I have this thing where I hate doing things for other people that I find incredibly simple if only people would take the time to look how to do them. Lets all be independent learners like Mary, people.

Anyway, to get back on track, I friend request her. Then I stop and think about that.

Shit, I so should not have done that.

I'm sure you all are like "Why? OMG its like Hudson Leick though!" And um, yeah it is, but her celebrity status barely phases me anymore. That's not my issue. My issue is this...

Right before my YouTube was deleted, I had a video named, "Porn: Bad?" where I spoke about me doing porn, and how people tend to prosecute me because they think it's bad in some way, when I just honestly enjoy it. And I remember clearly, someone wrote a comment that said:

"Oh my god, does Hudson know about this?!"

And of course, I thought it was someone who actually knew me, and actually knew Hudson as well. So it actually bothered me a little. I was kind of snooty back, replying with something along the lines of "I don't see how it's any of your business what or what I don't I tell Hudson." Cause um, it really isn't. Especially after I found out this woman didn't know either of us.

Point is, it bothered me because I don't know if I should, or if I already did. I have this thing with oh, I don't know, not telling people everything about me, but I also conveniently like to leave out alot of shit with Hudson specifically that makes me look even lower than I'm sure she already sees me. She knows alot of my issues, and we all seen how much progress I've made in fixing them. The only thing I've done right is that I've been clean for two weeks. But god knows how long that will last.

So my point of mentioning this entire thing is that I'm scared I won't be able to hide anything anymore. She gets into my facebook, she can get into my website, or my myspace, or fuck anything else I have on the internet. I won't be able to hide behind my "I still have some problems, but I'm doing okay" thing anymore.

I think I just have this problem where I don't want to disappoint her, only because I admire her as a human being, to know (parts, anyway) of what she went through as a young adult and to see her as the woman she is now. I look up to her because I want to be like that, but I feel ridiculous because I keep feeling like I never will. Everytime I get the will to try to stop all the stupid shit and get on track it tends to fade and I go back to hitting the pipe and popping a couple tabs.

I just don't want to disappoint. And I'm pretty sure it'll suck very much to see the look in her eyes the next time I see her if she knows everything, because seeing that look from the person you look up to most in this world just seems like it'd be horrible.

You know what it reminds me of? When my sister looks at me like that. They're about the same age too, and I kind of get the same ashamed feeling when I get lectured by both of them, so I suppose it kind of fits.

And it’s stupid, because when I went through my whole paranoia episode I wished there was some way I could get in touch with Hudson. I usually don’t go there, because once again theres some things I’d rather she not know, but I just needed to speak with her then. And now it’s possible, and I’m terrified.

I’m such a confusing individual.

Labels: angela, bones, brennan, distractions, facebook, fan fiction, femslash, graphic design, hudson leick, lady gaga, launfry, leverage, music, sick, websites

I swear at some point during the day I had a list of things to do, and a plan to get them all done. How do I always get myself so sidetracked? It was really simple too, anything that a fully capable adult should be able to do in a matter of the day they are awake. All I had to do was:


-Do the laundry
-Take out the trash
-Watch the series premier of Leverage
-Make the custom smoking fetish video request that just came in
-Clean the damn house

I have now been awake and functioning for, oh, probably seven or so hours. I still have another five before I need to attempt to hit the sack, but I know even within those five more hours I still won't get anything done. It wasn't a complete and total waste of my day, however. I did do the laundry and I did watch Leverage, which I recommend to all of you, it seems like it's going to be a great show.

But I somehow managed to get myself distracted with redesigning the layout for this blog, and then obsessively trying to find somewhere to host a stupid mp3 or wav file so I can embed a music player that will play the stupid song this layout is based off of (which is Lady Gaga's "Poker Face"). I honestly find it ridiculous that my hosting website for all three of my websites, while it says it will accept files that are .wav, keeps throwing me errors each time I try to upload it. I'm frustrated, and for now I give up. At least I think I do.

I also finished catching up on Bones, and am now currently up to date. I doubt any of you care, nor are as oddly obsessed with television shows like I seem to be, but it's a "yay me" moment. Honestly, I'm glad to say my obsessions are coming back. Granted they are fleeting, and not as long lasting as they used to be, but I have my moments where a week or two is completely dedicated to one thing that I love. It can be kind of bad, however. For example, yesterday I was up until ten in the morning adding to the official Bones wiki, and chatting on the forums, when I was supposed to be in bed by five am to be able to work tonight.

I also decided to get up the guts to try my hand at a Bones fanfiction. While I've liked the show for awhile, and have been a fan of the pairing of Bones (Temperance Brennan) and Angela Montenegro, I never once tried to write a fanfiction.

If you know me, you're probably asking yourself why. Anytime I ever become a fan of a slash couple, which I tell you always tends to be non canon, which even now is ridiculous because Angela is dating a woman named Roxie, so while it's still not far fetched, I still like the idea of Temperance and her together. Anyway, to get back on track, I never tried to write one because I was slightly intimidated by Bone's IQ. Yes, I'm serious. If you've seen the show, you'll know what I'm talking about. She speaks... oddly. Smart, oddly. So my point is, seeing as my IQ is not near genius level, and seeing as I know nothing about Forensic Anthropology, I kind of stayed away from it.

Yesterday I wrote a one shot Brennan/Angela fic, which I've never done. Not the paring thing, you already know I've never done that. I mean a one shot. I'm not a big believer in them. I think if you have an idea to write a story, you should at least make it a semi-decent length. My stories usually include a chapter range from ten to twenty, and have a word range of at least 15,000 up to 40,000. This was a simple little story, with 1,489 words. I posted it on fanfiction.net, and included in the disclaimer that it was just a tester story to see if I could write Dr. Brennan correctly. I honestly didn't think I did too bad, but I have yet to hear anyone else's opinion. So if you watch the show Bones, and have five minutes out of your day, check out the FanFiction.Net link on the right panel and let me know what you think of my characterization of Temperance.

Anyway, my point being with my problem with being distracted, is now after making a new layout for my blog, I feel the need to make a new layout for my website. It's been awhile since the last change, and I think it's time. Problem is, if I do it, It'll probably be up till noon, and nothing that I need to get done will get done.

Lord, someone make me understand the importance of priorities.

In other less fun news, I've just realized I'm sick. I mean I've been coughing since last night, but I figured that was just due to my smoking problem. But no, now my throat hurts like a bitch and my nose is staring to run. Great, cause you know, since I make all this money every damn day at work (note sarcasm), I can totally afford to take off work. This fails, but I'll live. And I just ate the most disgusting soup ever, why the hell was it in my cubbard?

I logged onto facebook earlier and had a "friend suggestion request". I've never gotten one of those before, but apparently someone wants me to be friends with someone else. So open it, what the hell, maybe I actually know this person and it's not another damn fan trying to integrate my facebook account, which is the only thing I have left on the internet for personal purposes.

It was Hudson.

I was like, wait, what? I saw Anita got one earlier, but I thought Hudson knew absolutely nothing about computers. Kind of reminds me of Brandi, she hounded me for hours to fix her myspace and facebook profiles when she got them. I have this thing where I hate doing things for other people that I find incredibly simple if only people would take the time to look how to do them. Lets all be independent learners like Mary, people.

Anyway, to get back on track, I friend request her. Then I stop and think about that.

Shit, I so should not have done that.

I'm sure you all are like "Why? OMG its like Hudson Leick though!" And um, yeah it is, but her celebrity status barely phases me anymore. That's not my issue. My issue is this...

Right before my YouTube was deleted, I had a video named, "Porn: Bad?" where I spoke about me doing porn, and how people tend to prosecute me because they think it's bad in some way, when I just honestly enjoy it. And I remember clearly, someone wrote a comment that said:

"Oh my god, does Hudson know about this?!"

And of course, I thought it was someone who actually knew me, and actually knew Hudson as well. So it actually bothered me a little. I was kind of snooty back, replying with something along the lines of "I don't see how it's any of your business what or what I don't I tell Hudson." Cause um, it really isn't. Especially after I found out this woman didn't know either of us.

Point is, it bothered me because I don't know if I should, or if I already did. I have this thing with oh, I don't know, not telling people everything about me, but I also conveniently like to leave out alot of shit with Hudson specifically that makes me look even lower than I'm sure she already sees me. She knows alot of my issues, and we all seen how much progress I've made in fixing them. The only thing I've done right is that I've been clean for two weeks. But god knows how long that will last.

So my point of mentioning this entire thing is that I'm scared I won't be able to hide anything anymore. She gets into my facebook, she can get into my website, or my myspace, or fuck anything else I have on the internet. I won't be able to hide behind my "I still have some problems, but I'm doing okay" thing anymore.

I think I just have this problem where I don't want to disappoint her, only because I admire her as a human being, to know (parts, anyway) of what she went through as a young adult and to see her as the woman she is now. I look up to her because I want to be like that, but I feel ridiculous because I keep feeling like I never will. Everytime I get the will to try to stop all the stupid shit and get on track it tends to fade and I go back to hitting the pipe and popping a couple tabs.

I just don't want to disappoint. And I'm pretty sure it'll suck very much to see the look in her eyes the next time I see her if she knows everything, because seeing that look from the person you look up to most in this world just seems like it'd be horrible.

You know what it reminds me of? When my sister looks at me like that. They're about the same age too, and I kind of get the same ashamed feeling when I get lectured by both of them, so I suppose it kind of fits.

And it’s stupid, because when I went through my whole paranoia episode I wished there was some way I could get in touch with Hudson. I usually don’t go there, because once again theres some things I’d rather she not know, but I just needed to speak with her then. And now it’s possible, and I’m terrified.

I’m such a confusing individual.

Labels: angela, bones, brennan, distractions, facebook, fan fiction, femslash, graphic design, hudson leick, lady gaga, launfry, leverage, music, sick, websites

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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