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When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. The main part of it anyway was how intensely lame it is that I admire Parker, seeing as she’s fictional, but I got very in depth with that. I think I’m going to keep it because let’s face it, most people think I’m fucking insane because they don’t understand why, so let’s try again and just focus on some main points so people might actually get it, shall we?

I had many men/boys take advantage of me when I was younger. I won’t go into it more than that in this revised entry, but it completely screwed with my sexuality, and I don’t just mean being a lesbian, because my sexuality is screwed way beyond that, and ties into all my whoring and… just everything. But that’s not the point, that’s the background.

People wonder why I love abused characters, or characters that show qualities of abuse. Faith from Buffy… she got beat by her mother. That is canon, look it up.

And Parker, well I’m CONVINCED she got abused (I’m leaning very much towards sexual abuse TBH), and it’s sad because I wrote this whole thing about her and the only reason I recognize signs like that is because the same shit happened to me. Some people think I’m like intensely insightful on the character. HA! No, I’ve just lived part of that character’s life, I see myself in her more than I should.

She has a strong blatant regard to her own sexuality, so did I for a long time, before I got taught what it was doing to people and how I could use it to my own benefit. I used to never get that people looked at me that way, and just changing in front of others was another part of life. Being naked is so natural and being looked at like that is so natural (and being touched is natural – if you want to go that far) that you don’t understand anything different about it. Parker has no fucking clue what her changing in front of Hardison does for him (and while it’s usually awkward with Hardison, its cause hello, he fucking likes her). And while it’s obvious for us, it just doesn’t click for her. She never learned it was inappropriate.

And her social problems… huge factor in most cases of abuse. Most abused children don’t ever learn how to communicate properly as adults. Take me, for example. I’m okay, but there’s just times where it’s so hard to get people to understand how I think. And it reminds me of something Gina said in an interview in regards to playing Jane: the trick of acting insane is to think your sane, because all insane people do, right? Which then leads me to believe I might really be insane, because no one else understands my train of thought and yet I think it’s crystal fucking clear.

But the catch? I LOVE Parker for it, for being abused. Why? Because if she did and she came out that STRONG and that fucking BRILLIANT then why can’t I? Yeah maybe she’s a thief, and maybe it’s wicked stupid to look up to a fictional character, but I do. She might have a job that’s morally wrong, but she’s THE BEST at it. She took what was wrong with her life and used it to her advantage, and I admire the FUCK out of that.

People think Parker’s so screwed up, but I think she fixed herself so well it’s unbelievable. People think she’s crazy because she sees more truth in things than other people. She’s like a child in that aspect almost, seeing things in black and white. It either is or it isn’t. Complications only arise when people lie, ever notice that? Why I don’t do it very often. I’m one of those people that would rather hurt you now to help you rather than leave you blissfully unaware. To me that’s worse.

Did any of you notice WHEN I started the TwentyPoundOfCrazy channel? It was after The Stork Job, and there’s a reason for that. While I saw signs in Parker, I never really thought anything bad happened to her before that. I just thought she had a social disorder, was a bit off, but that was it. Why? Because she’s usually so damn HAPPY and nonchalant about everything, so how could she have had a horrible past and turn out that way? And then The Stork Job came along… and it made me realize how truly broken she is because of her experiences.

“[…] They’re going to turn out like me…”

I’m sorry, but because she broke a bit it made me love her so much more. It made me admire her a hell of a lot more. Underneath it all she still carries a lot of self hate, but she’s so damn productive, so damn focused, so damn determined to be okay that it makes me wish I could be like that. She tries SO HARD, and succeeds so fucking well (in most everything – socially she’s still behind) that I just… I want to be like that so much.

And yeah, she’s got her issues. Her interaction with the human race is permanently tainted due to everything, but that flaw doesn’t even matter in the big picture. It really, really doesn’t.

I want to be a bit off, if in the larger picture I’m still okay. And I’m just… not right now.

But you know, I’m one of those people that when I meet “celebrities” (and I do use that term loosely due to not feeling the whole ‘OMG IT’S SO AND SO!’ anymore due to Hudson being my yoga teacher, otherwise I’m sure I still would) I will never EVER tell them what their music/acting has done for me, how it’s helped me. Music wise: Christina Aguilera was significant for me from 13-16. Evanescence from 16-18. Celine Dion practically my whole life. Tell me that’s lame, and I’ll kick you in the scrotum. I love her, I do.

Faith, she helped me out a lot. Too bad I turned the name into something I despise due to my stripping activities that I won’t go into right now. You all still only know the half of it. I’m slightly a hypocrite.

I used to think Callisto helped me out so much, but in truth it was Hudson as a person that helped me out more than words can describe. Amazing woman, and I’m not just saying that. She’s someone I look up to so much, her ENERGY, her LOVE… you can just feel it. Not only that, she’ll bluntly tell me I’m being a fuck up when I am. I kind of need that.

Point? Would I EVER tell Beth how much I admire her portrayal of Parker? No. Why? Because it just seems like something everyone says, you know? “Oh you helped me so much when you played such an such or sang whatever song,” it’s really just a stupid fan thing. And to really mean it, I’d have to explain it, probably cry during it, and I just don’t cry in front of people, or at least I try not to. I don’t know Beth at all, therefore wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d feel like an idiot, but that’s mostly because I view crying as a weakness.

Plus, I’m positive she thinks I’m insane. I’m obviously one of her biggest fans (her portrayal of a drug addict/sexually abused child in Without A Trace was so fucking amazing it hurt). I mean I run her fan site, I made that YouTube channel for Parker, and while I have tried COUNTLESS times to try and contact her in regards to the website because it does need a lot of help and it would be nice if she would be involved – she hasn’t contacted me. And come on, everyone on that show knows my contact info, and if they don’t, they know where to get it or who to get it from. I’m not stupid.

But I get it, which is what aggravates me the worst. I was actually going to make a video about this on RuiningYourSelfImage… just talking about how much I HATE being a fan. I hate the way it makes people look at you. I’m not fucking insane, and it pisses me off that people think that. But if something or someone touches me in that way then yes, I will try to show my gratitude.

And I’m sorry, but it’s the only way I know how. I mean do any of you even KNOW the amount of work that was involved to get that website up and running? She had barely any info about her on the internet AT ALL. I had to gather bits and pieces from everywhere, go on MASSIVE picture hunts to get a half way decent gallery, had to find and buy/download/record/edit all the tv shows/movies she’s been in, do screencaps MYSELF ( I hate screencapping too, seriously)… I mean shit, that was at least 50+ hours of work. And that’s what I do, that’s my thank you. But people just see it as being crazy. I’m sorry I’m creative. Eat me.

It’s really either you do nothing and no one knows or you do something and people think your nuts for it. It’s not like I’d ever go up to someone screaming and being like OH MY GOD YOU’RE MY IDOL! Because that’s fucking insane and idolization is foolish, plus it reminds me of Backstreet Boys fan girls… but, okay actually honestly I wouldn’t go up to anyone at all. Per things already described. I either tell them what it means to me and possibly cry, or don’t and not cry. I chose the latter, I don’t like crying. Plus crying fans are usually labeled as more insane.

It’s like, you know when fans will go up to their favorite actress/musician or whatever, and the “celebrity” is always “grateful”… always polite, all “oh, your sweet, thank you”? But yet you know in their head that they’re weirded out by the attention? Yeah, I don’t want to do that. Ever. Because I know what they’re thinking. I’d never settle for formalities, I’d rather just not even bother. What I feel about what they might have helped me with in my life is too important to be fucked off by formalities. And admiring Parker is helping me a lot right now; it makes me try really hard to be okay. To just kind of hate it all underneath, but still accept it and move forward in life. Use it as a stepping stone.

But try is the operative word in there.

I don’t even understand much celebrity hype anymore either. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to like live and die by all those stupid magazines, now I just mock them in my head as I pass them by in the grocery store. Maybe I’ve just gotten it into my head that they’re people too – that’s probably due to Hudson as well. The media likes to pretend they’re not, like they’re gods or something.

And yeah, I still get excited sometimes over them, oh so and so looked really pretty at this award show (which I don’t watch anymore, just see pictures) that’s basically it.

I don’t do paparazzi either, out of respect. On all of my fansites I’ve had to date I haven’t and never will include paparazzi photos. Imagine having someone following you around all day with a camera, taking pictures of you with no makeup on and posting it on the internet just so everyone can be all ‘OMG’ over it. Seriously, just think about that.

The point of this whole rant, I suppose, is just that while I enjoy showing gratitude in my own little way, I don’t like the labels it puts on me. It limits everything, you know? When you’re passionate about something, and would love to help out in whatever aspect, you’re still labeled as being stark nuts because of it. And it’s because of the stereotype society has put on it, because of all the ‘fanatics’ who stalk people and god knows whatever else. People automatically assume you’re one of those types.

What celebrities fail to see, is that fans are people too. Just like most fans fail to understand that about celebrities. It always works both ways. Hence, the cycle continues.

I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I’m a person trying to say thank you to another person because their job helped me out. It’s on the same level as a person coming into a bank and thanking the man that gave them their first loan to start their own business, to move forward in their life.

Television and movies don’t make people above average human beings, and television and movie watchers don’t make people below average human beings. I really hate what media has done for us. It splits our race in half.

There are some things that due to being a fan, have helped me out tremendously. I won’t deny that, but I won’t talk about it either. But for the first time in my life, someone looked at me as a person, and what I can do creatively, rather than just see me as another insane fan, and took a chance on me. I appreciate that, more than any of you know. Probably even more than the person themself knows.

I don’t know, I’ve just been kind of holding in this “fan” rant for probably a month now, been meaning to get around to doing a video on it, probably still might because I did have an amusing scene I wanted to play out, but I just needed to express it.

We lift some people up so high that the rest of the world ends up looking like ants to them. And I’m speaking generally, here. As far as I know, Beth hasn’t turned into a snob. Then again, I don’t know anything.

And no, the whole point of this rant isn’t so I can bitch about how I haven’t talked to her. If you think that, then you’ve missed the entire point. The point, plain and simple is this: I don’t like being labeled as crazy because of my gratitude, I’m a person, and it’s how I say thank you. But the larger point is, I still won’t ever tell her what Parker’s done for me, is doing for me at the moment, because it’s too important to be just passed around in conversation.

So when I do meet her at a convention, or whenever it may be, more than likely I’ll actually stay away from her. Backwards, right? But I just don’t think I ever want to have that conversation, and face to face I tend to spit things out like word vomit or something. The only time I’d ever prefer to really talk to her would be over email or something like that, and I’d rather only ever ask her to contribute or help with input on the website, if she’d like to. That’s it.

Why? Because I don’t know her, and while she portrayed an amazing character I admire and is helping me feel better about being me, it’d be nine times of awkward to tell that to someone you don’t know.

None of you probably understand me now; I know most people would tell the person. But it’s how I feel.

It’s just too damn important.

Labels: beth riesgraf, fandoms, leverage, parker

When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. The main part of it anyway was how intensely lame it is that I admire Parker, seeing as she’s fictional, but I got very in depth with that. I think I’m going to keep it because let’s face it, most people think I’m fucking insane because they don’t understand why, so let’s try again and just focus on some main points so people might actually get it, shall we?

I had many men/boys take advantage of me when I was younger. I won’t go into it more than that in this revised entry, but it completely screwed with my sexuality, and I don’t just mean being a lesbian, because my sexuality is screwed way beyond that, and ties into all my whoring and… just everything. But that’s not the point, that’s the background.

People wonder why I love abused characters, or characters that show qualities of abuse. Faith from Buffy… she got beat by her mother. That is canon, look it up.

And Parker, well I’m CONVINCED she got abused (I’m leaning very much towards sexual abuse TBH), and it’s sad because I wrote this whole thing about her and the only reason I recognize signs like that is because the same shit happened to me. Some people think I’m like intensely insightful on the character. HA! No, I’ve just lived part of that character’s life, I see myself in her more than I should.

She has a strong blatant regard to her own sexuality, so did I for a long time, before I got taught what it was doing to people and how I could use it to my own benefit. I used to never get that people looked at me that way, and just changing in front of others was another part of life. Being naked is so natural and being looked at like that is so natural (and being touched is natural – if you want to go that far) that you don’t understand anything different about it. Parker has no fucking clue what her changing in front of Hardison does for him (and while it’s usually awkward with Hardison, its cause hello, he fucking likes her). And while it’s obvious for us, it just doesn’t click for her. She never learned it was inappropriate.

And her social problems… huge factor in most cases of abuse. Most abused children don’t ever learn how to communicate properly as adults. Take me, for example. I’m okay, but there’s just times where it’s so hard to get people to understand how I think. And it reminds me of something Gina said in an interview in regards to playing Jane: the trick of acting insane is to think your sane, because all insane people do, right? Which then leads me to believe I might really be insane, because no one else understands my train of thought and yet I think it’s crystal fucking clear.

But the catch? I LOVE Parker for it, for being abused. Why? Because if she did and she came out that STRONG and that fucking BRILLIANT then why can’t I? Yeah maybe she’s a thief, and maybe it’s wicked stupid to look up to a fictional character, but I do. She might have a job that’s morally wrong, but she’s THE BEST at it. She took what was wrong with her life and used it to her advantage, and I admire the FUCK out of that.

People think Parker’s so screwed up, but I think she fixed herself so well it’s unbelievable. People think she’s crazy because she sees more truth in things than other people. She’s like a child in that aspect almost, seeing things in black and white. It either is or it isn’t. Complications only arise when people lie, ever notice that? Why I don’t do it very often. I’m one of those people that would rather hurt you now to help you rather than leave you blissfully unaware. To me that’s worse.

Did any of you notice WHEN I started the TwentyPoundOfCrazy channel? It was after The Stork Job, and there’s a reason for that. While I saw signs in Parker, I never really thought anything bad happened to her before that. I just thought she had a social disorder, was a bit off, but that was it. Why? Because she’s usually so damn HAPPY and nonchalant about everything, so how could she have had a horrible past and turn out that way? And then The Stork Job came along… and it made me realize how truly broken she is because of her experiences.

“[…] They’re going to turn out like me…”

I’m sorry, but because she broke a bit it made me love her so much more. It made me admire her a hell of a lot more. Underneath it all she still carries a lot of self hate, but she’s so damn productive, so damn focused, so damn determined to be okay that it makes me wish I could be like that. She tries SO HARD, and succeeds so fucking well (in most everything – socially she’s still behind) that I just… I want to be like that so much.

And yeah, she’s got her issues. Her interaction with the human race is permanently tainted due to everything, but that flaw doesn’t even matter in the big picture. It really, really doesn’t.

I want to be a bit off, if in the larger picture I’m still okay. And I’m just… not right now.

But you know, I’m one of those people that when I meet “celebrities” (and I do use that term loosely due to not feeling the whole ‘OMG IT’S SO AND SO!’ anymore due to Hudson being my yoga teacher, otherwise I’m sure I still would) I will never EVER tell them what their music/acting has done for me, how it’s helped me. Music wise: Christina Aguilera was significant for me from 13-16. Evanescence from 16-18. Celine Dion practically my whole life. Tell me that’s lame, and I’ll kick you in the scrotum. I love her, I do.

Faith, she helped me out a lot. Too bad I turned the name into something I despise due to my stripping activities that I won’t go into right now. You all still only know the half of it. I’m slightly a hypocrite.

I used to think Callisto helped me out so much, but in truth it was Hudson as a person that helped me out more than words can describe. Amazing woman, and I’m not just saying that. She’s someone I look up to so much, her ENERGY, her LOVE… you can just feel it. Not only that, she’ll bluntly tell me I’m being a fuck up when I am. I kind of need that.

Point? Would I EVER tell Beth how much I admire her portrayal of Parker? No. Why? Because it just seems like something everyone says, you know? “Oh you helped me so much when you played such an such or sang whatever song,” it’s really just a stupid fan thing. And to really mean it, I’d have to explain it, probably cry during it, and I just don’t cry in front of people, or at least I try not to. I don’t know Beth at all, therefore wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’d feel like an idiot, but that’s mostly because I view crying as a weakness.

Plus, I’m positive she thinks I’m insane. I’m obviously one of her biggest fans (her portrayal of a drug addict/sexually abused child in Without A Trace was so fucking amazing it hurt). I mean I run her fan site, I made that YouTube channel for Parker, and while I have tried COUNTLESS times to try and contact her in regards to the website because it does need a lot of help and it would be nice if she would be involved – she hasn’t contacted me. And come on, everyone on that show knows my contact info, and if they don’t, they know where to get it or who to get it from. I’m not stupid.

But I get it, which is what aggravates me the worst. I was actually going to make a video about this on RuiningYourSelfImage… just talking about how much I HATE being a fan. I hate the way it makes people look at you. I’m not fucking insane, and it pisses me off that people think that. But if something or someone touches me in that way then yes, I will try to show my gratitude.

And I’m sorry, but it’s the only way I know how. I mean do any of you even KNOW the amount of work that was involved to get that website up and running? She had barely any info about her on the internet AT ALL. I had to gather bits and pieces from everywhere, go on MASSIVE picture hunts to get a half way decent gallery, had to find and buy/download/record/edit all the tv shows/movies she’s been in, do screencaps MYSELF ( I hate screencapping too, seriously)… I mean shit, that was at least 50+ hours of work. And that’s what I do, that’s my thank you. But people just see it as being crazy. I’m sorry I’m creative. Eat me.

It’s really either you do nothing and no one knows or you do something and people think your nuts for it. It’s not like I’d ever go up to someone screaming and being like OH MY GOD YOU’RE MY IDOL! Because that’s fucking insane and idolization is foolish, plus it reminds me of Backstreet Boys fan girls… but, okay actually honestly I wouldn’t go up to anyone at all. Per things already described. I either tell them what it means to me and possibly cry, or don’t and not cry. I chose the latter, I don’t like crying. Plus crying fans are usually labeled as more insane.

It’s like, you know when fans will go up to their favorite actress/musician or whatever, and the “celebrity” is always “grateful”… always polite, all “oh, your sweet, thank you”? But yet you know in their head that they’re weirded out by the attention? Yeah, I don’t want to do that. Ever. Because I know what they’re thinking. I’d never settle for formalities, I’d rather just not even bother. What I feel about what they might have helped me with in my life is too important to be fucked off by formalities. And admiring Parker is helping me a lot right now; it makes me try really hard to be okay. To just kind of hate it all underneath, but still accept it and move forward in life. Use it as a stepping stone.

But try is the operative word in there.

I don’t even understand much celebrity hype anymore either. I remember when I was fourteen, I used to like live and die by all those stupid magazines, now I just mock them in my head as I pass them by in the grocery store. Maybe I’ve just gotten it into my head that they’re people too – that’s probably due to Hudson as well. The media likes to pretend they’re not, like they’re gods or something.

And yeah, I still get excited sometimes over them, oh so and so looked really pretty at this award show (which I don’t watch anymore, just see pictures) that’s basically it.

I don’t do paparazzi either, out of respect. On all of my fansites I’ve had to date I haven’t and never will include paparazzi photos. Imagine having someone following you around all day with a camera, taking pictures of you with no makeup on and posting it on the internet just so everyone can be all ‘OMG’ over it. Seriously, just think about that.

The point of this whole rant, I suppose, is just that while I enjoy showing gratitude in my own little way, I don’t like the labels it puts on me. It limits everything, you know? When you’re passionate about something, and would love to help out in whatever aspect, you’re still labeled as being stark nuts because of it. And it’s because of the stereotype society has put on it, because of all the ‘fanatics’ who stalk people and god knows whatever else. People automatically assume you’re one of those types.

What celebrities fail to see, is that fans are people too. Just like most fans fail to understand that about celebrities. It always works both ways. Hence, the cycle continues.

I don’t want to be part of the cycle. I’m a person trying to say thank you to another person because their job helped me out. It’s on the same level as a person coming into a bank and thanking the man that gave them their first loan to start their own business, to move forward in their life.

Television and movies don’t make people above average human beings, and television and movie watchers don’t make people below average human beings. I really hate what media has done for us. It splits our race in half.

There are some things that due to being a fan, have helped me out tremendously. I won’t deny that, but I won’t talk about it either. But for the first time in my life, someone looked at me as a person, and what I can do creatively, rather than just see me as another insane fan, and took a chance on me. I appreciate that, more than any of you know. Probably even more than the person themself knows.

I don’t know, I’ve just been kind of holding in this “fan” rant for probably a month now, been meaning to get around to doing a video on it, probably still might because I did have an amusing scene I wanted to play out, but I just needed to express it.

We lift some people up so high that the rest of the world ends up looking like ants to them. And I’m speaking generally, here. As far as I know, Beth hasn’t turned into a snob. Then again, I don’t know anything.

And no, the whole point of this rant isn’t so I can bitch about how I haven’t talked to her. If you think that, then you’ve missed the entire point. The point, plain and simple is this: I don’t like being labeled as crazy because of my gratitude, I’m a person, and it’s how I say thank you. But the larger point is, I still won’t ever tell her what Parker’s done for me, is doing for me at the moment, because it’s too important to be just passed around in conversation.

So when I do meet her at a convention, or whenever it may be, more than likely I’ll actually stay away from her. Backwards, right? But I just don’t think I ever want to have that conversation, and face to face I tend to spit things out like word vomit or something. The only time I’d ever prefer to really talk to her would be over email or something like that, and I’d rather only ever ask her to contribute or help with input on the website, if she’d like to. That’s it.

Why? Because I don’t know her, and while she portrayed an amazing character I admire and is helping me feel better about being me, it’d be nine times of awkward to tell that to someone you don’t know.

None of you probably understand me now; I know most people would tell the person. But it’s how I feel.

It’s just too damn important.

Labels: beth riesgraf, fandoms, leverage, parker

My name is Mary. I'm a 24 year old creative mess. I like to tell stories in anyway that I can, though mostly through visual artwork. I enjoy film editing, writing, modeling, photography, dancing, and website design. I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for. I'm a recovering drug addict. I'm passionate as all hell. I'm a beautiful disaster. I want to be free. I want to fly.

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