Friday, November 13, 2009
dude your ass is tanner than my face @ 11:01 PM
I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. What I don’t understand is why I continue to take it and then have the audacity to go and tell people that they shouldn’t put up with the same type of bullshit. I pretend I’m strong, pretend I can handle shit and back again and fuckin’ around the damn corner but the truth? I’m a doormat. I have this sign on my head that says, “Please, make me think you’re a trustworthy friend, a perfect lover, whatever… and then just take the rug out from beneath my feet and throw me on my ass. It’s just too fast and too perfect that I won’t know how to handle it.”
Because I don’t.
Not that I’m getting abused now. Please don’t make that mistake. No, but because I’m not, I feel the need to make the world crumble down around myself. If no one is around to do it for me, why not do it myself, right? I’m big on “Please save me”, but at the same time… I really don’t care if anyone does. Because the flip side? Going so far down that I can’t claw my way back to the surface… that’s acceptable. I push myself into suicide all the time recently. It’s like I’m fuckin’ daring myself. Go on, just do it.
But people save me, over and over again. And while I’m thankful, another part of me hates it, mainly because I just can’t understand it. I’m like fuck, just let me fall, for the love of shit… please…
But I’m smart. I have potential. I’m fucking creative like a mother fucker and that’s all I want to do with my life. But isn’t that how creative people are though? The most creative people are insane, right? That’s just how it works.
It’s sad because I can see myself doing everything I want to do, if only I can just conquer my own demons. I need hypnotism, I think.
To move away from all of that though… I have a job coming up for the month of December. I’m going to be an extra and a part time PA for an upcoming TV show pilot that’s getting filmed here in Atlanta. Don’t ask me the name, I forget. The producer told me, I think, in our very rushed conversation, but I just can’t remember. Ha. Even if I did know it, I don’t know if I would be allowed to say. I don’t know how those things work, since it’s not actually on the air yet.
And I have another job waiting for me in April. Which, ugh, I have to learn to drive for. You all have no idea how large of a fear I have of driving. It terrifies me. But I need to learn…
And, of course, I have to talk about the Leverage convention. I got asked to be a part of it months ago. You have no idea how hard that was to keep it to myself. But anyway, I’m going to be doing a fan video screening, and there’s a possibility that I’ll be doing a Q&A panel, which honestly scared me at first, but now I’m really excited and want it to happen. I know it’ll turn into a slashfic discussion and I’m sosry, but that would just pwn the whole weekend for me. Ha. My shit ain’t on the website though, not sure if it will be, but I know it’ll be in the program schedule, whenever they release that.
I’m nervous already about meeting Beth. But… whatever. I know it won’t be bad or anything, though only because she has to be nice to me. Because career wise? Probably a stupid move to be rude or whatever else to your biggest fan. Even though its superficial, I still take small comfort in that fact. Now, if only I can manage to talk to her like a normal human being. The sad thing is, I’m sure I’ll be able to with all the other actors. Her? It’s just different. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my completely irrational make-no-goddamn-sense-cause-I-don’t-know-the-woman celebrity crush on her. I crush on the idea of her, I suppose. Not her. I don’t know how to explain it, just because I can’t do it rationally myself.
And you all know how I am with rational logic. I don’t know how to deal with things I can’t explain.
Anyway, I guess I’m just doing this because I haven’t in awhile. So, sorry this isn’t of some kind of epic standard, but whatever.
I’m surviving. Good things are coming (because I flew with the seabirds and swam with the dolphins – five points if you know what movie I’m referring to), and hell… shit will either get better or get worse. Flip a coin.
Fuckin call it.
Labels: beth riesgraf, blah, convention, extra, leverage, movie, tv show, whatever, work
